TEDSalon NY2011
Kathryn Schulz: Don't regret regret
Kathryn Schulz: Neka vam ne bude žao zažaliti
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Uče nas da nastojimo živjeti život bez žaljenja. Ali zašto? Koristeći svoju tetovažu kao primjer, Kathryn Schulz snažno i dirljivo zagovara prihvaćanje onoga zbog čega žalimo.
Kathryn Schulz - Wrongologist
Kathryn Schulz is a staff writer for the New Yorker and is the author of "Being Wrong: Adventures in the Margin of Error." Full bio
Kathryn Schulz is a staff writer for the New Yorker and is the author of "Being Wrong: Adventures in the Margin of Error." Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:15
So that's Johnny Depp, of course.
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Ovo je Johnny Depp, naravno.
00:19
And that's Johnny Depp's shoulder.
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Ovo je rame Johnnyja Deppa.
00:22
And that's Johnny Depp's famous shoulder tattoo.
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A ovo je poznata tetovaža na ramenu Johnnyja Deppa.
00:26
Some of you might know that, in 1990,
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Neki od vas možda znaju da se 1990. godine
00:28
Depp got engaged to Winona Ryder,
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Depp zaručio s Winonom Ryder
00:30
and he had tattooed on his right shoulder
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i na desnom ramenu istetovirao
00:32
"Winona forever."
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"Winona zauvijek".
00:35
And then three years later --
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A onda, tri godine kasnije --
00:37
which in fairness, kind of is forever by Hollywood standards --
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što i jest prava vječnost po holivudskim standardima --
00:40
they broke up,
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prekinuli su
00:42
and Johnny went and got a little bit of repair work done.
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i Johnny je otišao na mali popravak.
00:44
And now his shoulder says, "Wino forever."
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Sad mu na ramenu piše "Wino zauvijek".
00:48
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
00:51
So like Johnny Depp,
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Kao Johnny Depp,
00:53
and like 25 percent of Americans
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i kao i 25 posto Amerikanaca
00:55
between the ages of 16 and 50,
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u dobi između 16 i 50 godina,
00:59
I have a tattoo.
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i ja imam tetovažu.
01:02
I first started thinking about getting it in my mid-20s,
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O tome sam počela razmišljati sredinom svojih 20-ih godina,
01:05
but I deliberately waited a really long time.
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ali namjerno sam čekala vrlo dugo.
01:08
Because we all know people
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Jer svi poznajemo nekoga
01:10
who have gotten tattoos when they were 17
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tko si je dao napraviti tetovažu kad je imao 17 godina
01:12
or 19 or 23
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ili 19 ili 23
01:14
and regretted it by the time they were 30.
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i požalio to do svoje 30. godine.
01:18
That didn't happen to me.
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Meni se to nije dogodilo.
01:21
I got my tattoo when I was 29,
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Ja sam se tetovirala s 29 godina
01:24
and I regretted it instantly.
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i požalila sam istog trena.
01:27
And by "regretted it,"
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Kad kažem "požalila",
01:29
I mean that I stepped outside of the tattoo place --
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mislim da sam izišla iz salona --
01:32
this is just a couple miles from here
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tek nekoliko kilometara odavde,
01:34
down on the Lower East Side --
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u četvrti Lower East Side --
01:36
and I had a massive emotional meltdown in broad daylight
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i doživjela ogroman emocionalni slom usred bijela dana
01:39
on the corner of East Broadway and Canal Street.
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na uglu ulica East Broadway i Canal Street.
01:41
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
01:43
Which is a great place to do it because nobody cares.
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To je odlično mjesto za tako nešto jer nikoga nije briga.
01:45
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
01:47
And then I went home that night, and I had an even larger emotional meltdown,
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Zatim sam otišla kući i doživjela još veći emocionalni slom,
01:50
which I'll say more about in a minute.
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o čemu ću više reći za koji trenutak.
01:53
And this was all actually quite shocking to me,
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To me zapravo prilično šokiralo
01:55
because prior to this moment,
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jer sam se prije toga
01:57
I had prided myself
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ponosila time
01:59
on having absolutely no regrets.
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da apsolutno ni zbog čega ne žalim.
02:01
I made a lot of mistakes
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Napravila sam mnogo pogrešaka
02:03
and dumb decisions, of course.
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i donijela glupih odluka, naravno.
02:05
I do that hourly.
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Stalno to radim.
02:07
But I had always felt like, look, you know,
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Ali uvijek sam imala osjećaj da, čuj,
02:10
I made the best choice I could make
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donijela sam najbolju odluku koju sam mogla
02:12
given who I was then,
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s obzirom na to tko sam bila u tom trenu
02:14
given the information I had on hand.
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i na informacije koje su mi bile dostupne.
02:16
I learned a lesson from it.
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Nešto sam naučila iz toga.
02:18
It somehow got me to where I am in life right now.
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To me nekako dovelo ovamo gdje se sada nalazim.
02:20
And okay, I wouldn't change it.
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I u redu, ne bih to promijenila.
02:25
In other words, I had drunk our great cultural Kool-Aid about regret,
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Drugim riječima, usvojila sam naš kulturološki stav o žaljenju,
02:29
which is that lamenting things that occurred in the past
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a to je da je jadikovanje o stvarima iz prošlosti
02:32
is an absolute waste of time,
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apsolutni gubitak vremena,
02:34
that we should always look forward and not backward,
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da uvijek moramo gledati naprijed, a ne natrag
02:37
and that one of the noblest and best things we can do
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i da je jedna od najboljih stvari koje možemo učiniti
02:39
is strive to live a life free of regrets.
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to da živimo život bez žaljenja.
02:42
This idea is nicely captured by this quote:
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Tu ideju lijepo obuhvaća ovaj citat:
02:45
"Things without all remedy
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"Na stvari za koje nema lijeka
02:47
should be without regard;
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ne trebamo obraćati pažnju;
02:50
what's done is done."
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što je bilo, bilo je."
02:52
And it seems like kind of an admirable philosophy at first --
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I to se isprva čini krasnom filozofijom,
02:55
something we might all agree to sign onto ...
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nešto s čime se svi možemo složiti...
02:58
until I tell you who said it.
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sve dok vam ne kažem tko je to rekao.
03:02
Right, so this is Lady MacBeth
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Da, to je Lady MacBeth
03:04
basically telling her husband to stop being such a wuss
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koja, u biti, govori svojem suprugu da prestane biti slabić
03:07
for feeling bad about murdering people.
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i osjećati krivicu što je ubijao ljude.
03:10
And as it happens, Shakespeare was onto something here,
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Ispada da je Shakespeare ovdje shvatio nešto veliko,
03:13
as he generally was.
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kao i obično.
03:15
Because the inability to experience regret
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Jer nesposobnost da se osjeti krivnja
03:18
is actually one of the diagnostic characteristics
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zapravo je jedna od dijagnostičkih osobina
03:20
of sociopaths.
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sociopata.
03:23
It's also, by the way, a characteristic of certain kinds of brain damage.
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Karakteristična je i za neke vrste oštećenja mozga.
03:26
So people who have damage
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Ljudi koji imaju oštećenja
03:28
to their orbital frontal cortex
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na orbitofrontalnom korteksu
03:30
seem to be unable to feel regret
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ne mogu osjetiti žaljenje
03:32
in the face of even obviously very poor decisions.
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čak ni kad donesu očito vrlo loše odluke.
03:36
So if, in fact, you want to live a life free of regret,
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Ako zaista želite živjeti život bez žaljenja,
03:38
there is an option open to you.
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imate otvorenu mogućnost.
03:41
It's called a lobotomy.
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Zove se lobotomija.
03:44
But if you want to be fully functional
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Ali ako želite biti potpuno funkcionalni
03:46
and fully human
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i potpuno ljudi
03:48
and fully humane,
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i potpuno humani,
03:51
I think you need to learn to live, not without regret, but with it.
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mislim da trebate naučiti živjeti ne bez žaljenja, već s njim,
03:54
So let's start off by defining some terms.
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Počnimo s definicijama nekih termina.
03:56
What is regret?
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Što je žaljenje?
03:58
Regret is the emotion we experience
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Žaljenje je osjećaj koji doživljavamo
04:00
when we think that our present situation
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kad mislimo da bi naša trenutna situacija
04:02
could be better or happier
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mogla biti bolja ili sretnija
04:04
if we had done something different in the past.
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da smo nešto učinili drugačije u prošlosti.
04:06
So in other words, regret requires two things.
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Drugim riječima, za žaljenje su potrebne dvije stvari.
04:08
It requires, first of all, agency -- we had to make a decision in the first place.
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Prvo je potrebno djelovanje - za početak smo morali donijeti neku odluku.
04:11
And second of all, it requires imagination.
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Drugo, potrebno je zamišljanje.
04:14
We need to be able to imagine going back and making a different choice,
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Moramo moći zamisliti kako se vraćamo i mijenjamo izbor,
04:17
and then we need to be able to kind of spool this imaginary record forward
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i onda moramo moći ubrzati ovaj zamišljeni događaj
04:20
and imagine how things would be playing out in our present.
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i zamisliti kako bi se stvari odvijale u sadašnjosti.
04:24
And in fact, the more we have of either of these things --
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I zapravo, što više imamo ikoje od tih dviju stvari --
04:26
the more agency and the more imagination
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što više djelovanja i što više zamišljanja
04:29
with respect to a given regret,
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vezano za određenu stvar zbog koje žalimo,
04:31
the more acute that regret will be.
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to će akutnije postati žaljenje.
04:34
So let's say for instance
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Recimo, primjerice,
04:36
that you're on your way to your best friend's wedding
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da ste na putu na vjenčanje najboljeg prijatelja
04:38
and you're trying to get to the airport and you're stuck in terrible traffic,
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i pokušavate doći do aerodroma i zapeli ste u prometnoj gužvi,
04:41
and you finally arrive at your gate
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i napokon stižete do svojeg ulaza,
04:43
and you've missed your flight.
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ali propustili ste let.
04:45
You're going to experience more regret in that situation
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U toj ćete situaciji više žaliti
04:47
if you missed your flight by three minutes
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ako ste na let zakasnili tri minute
04:49
than if you missed it by 20.
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nego ako ste zakasnili 20 minuta.
04:52
Why?
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Zašto?
04:54
Well because, if you miss your flight by three minutes,
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Zato što, ako na let zakasnite tri minute,
04:56
it is painfully easy to imagine
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bolno je lako zamisliti
04:58
that you could have made different decisions
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da ste mogli donijeti drugačije odluke,
05:00
that would have led to a better outcome.
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koje bi dovele do boljeg rezultata.
05:02
"I should have taken the bridge and not the tunnel.
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"Trebao sam ići preko mosta, a ne tunelom.
05:04
I should have gone through that yellow light."
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Trebao sam proći na onom žutom svjetlu."
05:07
These are the classic conditions that create regret.
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To su tipični uvjeti u kojima dolazi do žaljenja.
05:10
We feel regret when we think we are responsible
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Osjećamo žaljenje kad mislimo da smo odgovorni
05:13
for a decision that came out badly,
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za odluke koje su završile loše,
05:15
but almost came out well.
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ali su zamalo završile dobro.
05:18
Now within that framework,
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U tom okviru,
05:20
we can obviously experience regret about a lot of different things.
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očito možemo osjetiti žaljenje zbog mnogo raznih stvari.
05:23
This session today is about behavioral economics.
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Današnja je konferencija o bihevioralnoj ekonomiji.
05:26
And most of what we know about regret
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Većina onoga što znamo o žaljenju
05:29
comes to us out of that domain.
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dolazi iz tog područja.
05:31
We have a vast body of literature
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Imamo mnogo literature
05:34
on consumer and financial decisions
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o potrošačima i financijskim odlukama
05:36
and the regrets associated with them --
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i žaljenju povezanom s njima --
05:38
buyer's remorse, basically.
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kajanje kupca, u biti.
05:40
But then finally, it occurred to some researchers to step back
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Ali na kraju, nekim je istraživačima sinulo da se malo odmaknu
05:43
and say, well okay, but overall,
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i kažu, dobro, ali općenito,
05:45
what do we regret most in life?
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zbog čega u životu najviše žalimo?
05:48
Here's what the answers turn out to look like.
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Evo kakvi su ispali rezultati.
05:50
So top six regrets --
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6 najčešćih žaljenja --
05:52
the things we regret most in life:
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stvari zbog kojih najviše žalimo i životu:
05:54
Number one by far, education.
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Uvjerljivo je na prvom mjestu obrazovanje.
05:56
33 percent of all of our regrets
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33 posto svih stvari zbog kojih žalimo
05:58
pertain to decisions we made about education.
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vezano je za naše odluke o obrazovanju.
06:00
We wish we'd gotten more of it.
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Želimo da smo se više obrazovali.
06:02
We wish we'd taken better advantage of the education that we did have.
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Želimo da smo bolje iskoristili obrazovanje koje jesmo primili.
06:05
We wish we'd chosen to study a different topic.
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Želimo da smo studirali nešto drugo.
06:08
Others very high on our list of regrets
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Druge stvari koje su visoko na popisu
06:10
include career, romance, parenting,
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jesu karijera, ljubav, roditeljstvo,
06:13
various decisions and choices about our sense of self
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razne odluke i izbori vezano za našu svijest o sebi
06:16
and how we spend our leisure time --
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i o tome kako provodimo slobodno vrijeme --
06:18
or actually more specifically,
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zapravo, konkretnije,
06:20
how we fail to spend our leisure time.
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kako nismo uspjeli provesti slobodno vrijeme.
06:22
The remaining regrets
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Žalimo još
06:24
pertain to these things:
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i zbog ovih stvari:
06:26
finance, family issues unrelated to romance or parenting,
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financija, obiteljskih pitanja nevezanih za ljubav i roditeljstvo,
06:29
health, friends,
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zdravlja, prijatelja,
06:31
spirituality and community.
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duhovnosti i zajednice.
06:34
So in other words, we know most of what we know about regret
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Drugim riječima, većinu onoga što znamo o žaljenju
06:37
by the study of finance.
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znamo iz proučavanja financija.
06:39
But it turns out, when you look overall at what people regret in life,
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Ispada da, kad gledate zbog čega ljudi općenito žale u životu,
06:41
you know what, our financial decisions don't even rank.
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naše financijske odluke ni ne ulaze na popis.
06:44
They account for less than three percent of our total regrets.
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Na njih otpada manje od tri posto našeg ukupnog žaljenja.
06:48
So if you're sitting there stressing
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Pa ako sjedite i živcirate se
06:50
about large cap versus small cap,
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oko velike i male tržišne kapitalizacije,
06:52
or company A versus company B,
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ili oko tvrtke A u odnosu na tvrtku B,
06:54
or should you buy the Subaru or the Prius,
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ili oko toga je li bolje da kupite Subaru ili Prius,
06:56
you know what, let it go.
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znate što, zaboravite to.
06:59
Odds are, you're not going to care in five years.
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Za pet godina vjerojatno vas neće biti briga za to.
07:02
But for these things that we actually do really care about
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Ali za stvari do kojih nam je stvarno stalo
07:05
and do experience profound regret around,
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i zbog kojih duboko žalimo,
07:07
what does that experience feel like?
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kakav je to osjećaj?
07:11
We all know the short answer.
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Svi znamo kratak odgovor.
07:13
It feels terrible. Regret feels awful.
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Osjećaj je strašan. Željenje je grozan osjećaj.
07:15
But it turns out that regret feels awful
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Ali pokazalo se da je žaljenje grozan osjećaj
07:17
in four very specific and consistent ways.
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na četiri vrlo konkretna i stalna načina.
07:20
So the first consistent component of regret
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Prva stalna sastavnica žaljenja
07:22
is basically denial.
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jest, u biti, poricanje.
07:25
When I went home that night after getting my tattoo,
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Kad sam one večeri otišla kući nakon što sam se tetovirala,
07:28
I basically stayed up all night.
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ostala sam budna cijelu noć.
07:30
And for the first several hours,
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Prvih nekoliko sati
07:32
there was exactly one thought in my head.
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imala sam samo jednu misao u glavi.
07:34
And the thought was,
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A ta je misao bila:
07:36
"Make it go away!"
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"Neka nestane!"
07:39
This is an unbelievably primitive emotional response.
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To je nevjerojatno primitivna emocionalna reakcija.
07:43
I mean, it's right up there with, "I want my mommy!"
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Negdje u rangu s: "Hoću svoju mamu!"
07:46
We're not trying to solve the problem.
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Ne pokušavamo riješiti problem.
07:48
We're not trying to understand how the problem came about.
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Ne pokušavamo shvatiti kako je došlo do problema.
07:51
We just want it to vanish.
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Samo želimo da nestane.
07:54
The second characteristic component of regret
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Druga tipična sastavnica željenja
07:56
is a sense of bewilderment.
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jest osjećaj čuđenja.
07:58
So the other thing I thought about there in my bedroom that night
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Druga stvar o kojoj sam te večeri razmišljala u svojoj sobi
08:01
was, "How could I have done that?
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bila je: "Kako sam to mogla učiniti?
08:04
What was I thinking?"
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Gdje mi je pamet bila?"
08:07
This real sense of alienation
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Taj stvarni osjećaj otuđenja
08:09
from the part of us that made a decision we regret.
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od onog dijela nas koji je donio odluku zbog koje žalimo.
08:11
We can't identify with that part.
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Ne možemo se identificirati s tim dijelom.
08:13
We don't understand that part.
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Ne razumijemo taj dio.
08:15
And we certainly don't have any empathy for that part --
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I svakako ne suosjećamo s tim dijelom --
08:17
which explains the third consistent component of regret,
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što objašnjava treću stalnu sastavnicu žaljenja,
08:20
which is an intense desire to punish ourselves.
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a to je snažna želja da se kaznimo.
08:22
That's why, in the face of our regret,
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Zato, kad doživljavamo žaljenje,
08:24
the thing we consistently say is, "I could have kicked myself."
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stalno govorimo: "Najradije bih se ošamarila."
08:28
The fourth component here
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Četvrta je sastavnica
08:30
is that regret is what psychologists call perseverative.
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to da je žaljenje, kako psiholozi kažu, ustrajno.
08:32
To perseverate means to focus obsessively and repeatedly
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Ustrajati znači opsesivno i opetovano se usredotočiti
08:35
on the exact same thing.
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na jednu jedinu stvar.
08:37
Now the effect of perseveration
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Rezulat ustrajnosti
08:39
is to basically take these first three components of regret
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jest da se uzmu prve tri sastavnice žaljenja
08:41
and put them on an infinite loop.
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i stave u beskonačnu petlju.
08:44
So it's not that I sat there in my bedroom that night,
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Znači, nije da sam te večeri sjedila u svojoj sobi
08:47
thinking, "Make it go away."
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i mislila: "Neka nestane."
08:50
It's that I sat there and I thought,
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Ne, sjedila sam ondje i mislila:
08:52
"Make it go away. Make it go away.
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"Neka nestane. Neka nestane.
08:54
Make it go away. Make it go away."
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Neka nestane. Neka nestane."
08:57
So if you look at the psychological literature,
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U literaturi iz psihologije stoji
08:59
these are the four consistent defining components of regret.
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da su to četiri stalne sastavnice koje definiraju žaljenje.
09:03
But I want to suggest that there's also a fifth one.
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No, smatram da postoji i peta sastavnica.
09:06
And I think of this
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Smatram to nekom vrstom
09:08
as a kind of existential wake-up call.
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egzistencijalnog poziva na uzbunu.
09:11
That night in my apartment,
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Te noći u svojem stanu,
09:13
after I got done kicking myself and so forth,
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nakon što sam se išamarala i sve ostalo,
09:16
I lay in bed for a long time,
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dugo sam ležala u krevetu
09:18
and I thought about skin grafts.
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i razmišljala o presađivanju kože.
09:22
And then I thought about how,
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Zatim sam razmišljala kako,
09:24
much as travel insurance doesn't cover acts of God,
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kao što putno osiguranje ne pokriva višu silu,
09:27
probably my health insurance did not cover acts of idiocy.
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vjerojatno ni moje zdravstveno ne pokriva idiotsku silu.
09:32
In point of fact, no insurance covers acts of idiocy.
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Zapravo ni jedno osiguranje ne pokriva idiotsku silu.
09:35
The whole point of acts of idiocy
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Cijela poanta idiotske sile
09:37
is that they leave you totally uninsured;
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jesta da vas ostavlja potpuno neosigurane.
09:39
they leave you exposed to the world
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Ostavlja vas izložene svijetu
09:41
and exposed to your own vulnerability and fallibility
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i vlastitoj ranjivosti i pogrešivosti,
09:44
in face of, frankly, a fairly indifferent universe.
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i to u, iskreno, vrlo nezainteresiranom svemiru.
09:49
This is obviously an incredibly painful experience.
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To je očito nevjerojatno bolno iskustvo.
09:52
And I think it's particularly painful for us now in the West
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Mislim da je naročito bolno nama na Zapadu,
09:55
in the grips of what I sometimes think of
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uhvaćenima u nešto što ponekad liči
09:57
as a Control-Z culture --
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na kulturu "Ctrl + Z" --
10:00
Control-Z like the computer command,
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u smislu kompjutorske naredbe,
10:02
undo.
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"undo" - poništi.
10:04
We're incredibly used to not having to face
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Nevjerojatno smo naviknuti da se ne moramo suočiti
10:07
life's hard realities, in a certain sense.
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s okrutnom stvarnošću života, na neki način.
10:09
We think we can throw money at the problem
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Mislimo da problem možemo riješiti novcem
10:11
or throw technology at the problem --
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ili tehnologijom --
10:13
we can undo and unfriend
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možemo poništiti i izbaciti iz prijatelja
10:15
and unfollow.
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i prestati pratiti.
10:18
And the problem is that there are certain things that happen in life
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Problem je što se u životu događaju određene stvari
10:21
that we desperately want to change
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koje očajno želimo promijeniti,
10:24
and we cannot.
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ali ne možemo.
10:26
Sometimes instead of Control-Z,
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Ponekad umjesto Ctrl + Z
10:28
we actually have zero control.
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zapravo uopće nemamo kontrolu.
10:30
And for those of us who are control freaks and perfectionists --
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A onima od nas koji kontrol frikovi i perfekcionisti --
10:34
and I know where of I speak --
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a znam o kome govorim --
10:36
this is really hard,
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to je vrlo teško
10:38
because we want to do everything ourselves and we want to do it right.
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jer sve želimo učiniti sami i želimo to učiniti kako treba.
10:42
Now there is a case to be made
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Ima nešto u tome
10:44
that control freaks and perfectionists should not get tattoos,
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da se kontrol frikovi i perfekcionisti ne bi trebali tetovirati
10:47
and I'm going to return to that point in a few minutes.
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i vratit ću se na to za nekoliko minuta.
10:50
But first I want to say
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Ali prvo želim reći
10:52
that the intensity and persistence
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da će se intenzitet i upornost
10:54
with which we experience these emotional components of regret
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kojima doživljavamo te emocionalne sastavnice žaljenja
10:57
is obviously going to vary
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očito mijenjati
10:59
depending on the specific thing that we're feeling regretful about.
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ovisno o konkretnoj stvari zbog koje osjećamo žaljenje.
11:02
So for instance, here's one of my favorite
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Primjerice, ovo je jedan od mojih omiljenih
11:04
automatic generators of regret in modern life.
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automatskih uzročnika željenja modernog doba.
11:08
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
11:10
Text: Relpy to all.
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Tekst: Odgovori svima.
11:12
And the amazing thing
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Ono što me zadivljuje
11:14
about this really insidious technological innovation
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u vezi s ovom zaista opasnom tehnološkom inovacijom
11:17
is that even just with this one thing,
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jest da čak i samo zbog te jedne stvari
11:19
we can experience a huge range of regret.
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možemo osjetiti ogromno žaljenje.
11:22
You can accidentally hit "reply all" to an email
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Možete slučajno kliknuti na "odgovori svima" na email
11:25
and torpedo a relationship.
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i uništiti nekome vezu.
11:28
Or you can just have an incredibly embarrassing day at work.
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Ili samo imati nevjerojatno neugodan dan na poslu.
11:31
Or you can have your last day at work.
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Ili imati posljednji dan na poslu.
11:35
And this doesn't even touch
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A još nismo ni došli
11:37
on the really profound regrets of a life.
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do zaista dubokog žaljenja.
11:40
Because of course, sometimes we do make decisions
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Jer naravno, ponekad zaista donosimo odluke
11:42
that have irrevocable and terrible consequences,
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koje imaju nepovratne i strašne posljedice,
11:46
either for our own or for other people's
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bilo za naše ili tuđe
11:49
health and happiness and livelihoods,
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zdravlje, sreću i sredstva za život,
11:51
and in the very worst case scenario, even their lives.
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a u najgorem slučaju, čak i za tuđe živote.
11:55
Now obviously, those kinds of regrets
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Naravno, takvo je žaljenje
11:58
are incredibly piercing and enduring.
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nevjerojatno bolno i teško za trpjeti.
12:02
I mean, even the stupid "reply all" regrets
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Mislim, čak i zbog glupog "odgovaranja svima"
12:05
can leave us in a fit of excruciating agony for days.
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možemo danima žaliti i biti u agoniji.
12:10
So how are we supposed to live with this?
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I kako da onda živimo s tim?
12:13
I want to suggest that there's three things
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Smatram da postoje tri stvari
12:15
that help us to make our peace with regret.
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koje nam pomažu da se pomirimo sa žaljenjem.
12:18
And the first of these
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Prva od njih
12:20
is to take some comfort in its universality.
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jest da se utješimo univerzalnošću.
12:24
If you Google regret and tattoo,
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Ako proguglate žaljenje i tetovaže,
12:28
you will get 11.5 million hits.
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dobit ćete 11,5 milijuna rezultata.
12:30
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
12:32
The FDA estimates
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Uprava za hranu i lijekove procjenjuje
12:34
that of all the Americans who have tattoos,
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da od svih Amerikanaca koji imaju tetovaže,
12:36
17 percent of us regret getting them.
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nas 17 posto žali što ih je dalo napraviti.
12:39
That is Johnny Depp and me
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To smo Johnny Depp i ja
12:41
and our seven million friends.
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i naših sedam milijuna prijatelja.
12:43
And that's just regret about tattoos.
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A to je samo žaljenje zbog tetovaža.
12:46
We are all in this together.
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Svi smo u tome zajedno.
12:50
The second way that we can help make our peace with regret
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Drugi način na koji se možemo nositi sa žaljenjem
12:52
is to laugh at ourselves.
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jest da se smijemo samima sebi.
12:55
Now in my case, this really wasn't a problem,
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U mojem slučaju to i nije bio problem
12:57
because it's actually very easy to laugh at yourself
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jer je zapravo vrlo lako smijati se sam sebi
13:00
when you're 29 years old and you want your mommy
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kad imaš 29 godina i hoćeš svoju mamu
13:02
because you don't like your new tattoo.
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jer ti se ne sviđa tvoja nova tetovaža.
13:05
But it might seem like a kind of cruel or glib suggestion
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No, to može biti okrutan i površan prijedlog
13:09
when it comes to these more profound regrets.
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kad se radi o većem, dubljem žaljenju.
13:12
I don't think that's the case though.
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No, ne mislim da je to tako.
13:15
All of us who've experienced regret
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Svi mi koji smo iskusili žaljenje
13:18
that contains real pain and real grief
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s pravom boli i pravom tugom
13:22
understand that humor and even black humor
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razumijemo da humor i čak i crni humor
13:25
plays a crucial role in helping us survive.
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imaju ključnu ulogu u našem preživljavanju.
13:28
It connects the poles of our lives back together,
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Pomažu nam da ponovno pohvatamo konce života,
13:30
the positive and the negative,
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i pozitivne i negativne,
13:32
and it sends a little current of life back into us.
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i ponovno pomalo vraća život u nas.
13:36
The third way that I think we can help make our peace with regret
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Treći način na koji mislim da se možemo nositi sa žaljenjem
13:39
is through the passage of time,
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jest kroz tijek vremena,
13:42
which, as we know, heals all wounds --
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koje, kao što znamo, liječi sve rane --
13:44
except for tattoos, which are permanent.
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osim tetovaža, koje su trajne.
13:48
So it's been several years
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Prošlo je nekoliko godina
13:50
since I got my own tattoo.
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otkad sam se tetovirala.
13:54
And do you guys just want to see it?
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Želite li vidjeti tetovažu?
13:58
All right.
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U redu.
14:00
Actually, you know what, I should warn you,
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Zapravo, znate što, moram vas upozoriti,
14:03
you're going to be disappointed.
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bit ćete razočarani.
14:05
Because it's actually not that hideous.
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Jer zapravo uopće nije toliko ružna.
14:08
I didn't tattoo Marilyn Manson's face
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Nisam istetovirala lice Marilyna Mansona
14:11
on some indiscreet part of myself or something.
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na nekom nepristojnom dijelu tijela ili tako nešto.
14:13
When other people see my tattoo,
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Kad drugi ljudi vide moju tetovažu,
14:15
for the most part they like how it looks.
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uglavnom im se sviđa kako izgleda.
14:17
It's just that I don't like how it looks.
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Ali stvar je u tome da se meni ne sviđa.
14:19
And as I said earlier, I'm a perfectionist.
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A, kao što sam ranije rekla, ja sam perfekcionist.
14:22
But I'll let you see it anyway.
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Ali ipak ću vam je pokazati.
14:29
This is my tattoo.
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Ovo je moja tetovaža.
14:33
I can guess what some of you are thinking.
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Pogađam što neki od vas misle.
14:36
So let me reassure you about something.
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Budite uvjereni u jedno.
14:39
Some of your own regrets
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Neke od stvari zbog kojih žalite
14:41
are also not as ugly as you think they are.
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također nisu toliko ružne koliko vi to mislite.
14:45
I got this tattoo
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Dala sam napraviti ovu tetovažu
14:47
because I spent most of my 20s
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jer sam većinu svojih 20-ih godina
14:49
living outside the country and traveling.
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živjela u inozemstvu i putovala.
14:51
And when I came and settled in New York afterward,
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Kad sam se vratila živjeti u New York nakon toga,
14:53
I was worried that I would forget
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bojala sam se da ću zaboraviti
14:55
some of the most important lessons that I learned during that time.
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neke od najvažnijih stvari koje sam naučila tijekom tog vremena.
14:58
Specifically the two things I learned about myself
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Konkretno, dvije stvari koje sam naučila o sebi
15:01
that I most didn't want to forget
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i koje pogotovo nisam htjela zaboraviti
15:03
was how important it felt to keep exploring
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bile su koliko je važno nastaviti istraživati
15:06
and, simultaneously, how important it is
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i, istovremeno, koliko je važno
15:09
to somehow keep an eye on your own true north.
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nekako paziti na svoj vlastiti pravi sjever.
15:12
And what I loved about this image of the compass
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Ono što mi se svidjelo na ovom kompasu
15:14
was that I felt like it encapsulated both of these ideas
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bilo je to što je obuhvaćao te obje ideje
15:16
in one simple image.
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u jednoj jednostavnoj slici.
15:19
And I thought it might serve as a kind of permanent mnemonic device.
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Mislila sam da bi mi mogao služiti kao trajni podsjetnik.
15:23
Well it did.
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Pa, i služio je.
15:25
But it turns out, it doesn't remind me of the thing I thought it would;
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Ali na kraju me ne podsjeća na ono što sam mislila.
15:28
it reminds me constantly of something else instead.
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Umjesto toga, podsjeća me na nešto drugo.
15:32
It actually reminds me
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Zapravo me podsjeća
15:34
of the most important lesson regret can teach us,
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na najvažniju stvar koju možemo naučiti iz žaljenja,
15:37
which is also one of the most important lessons life teaches us.
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a koja je jedna od najvažnijih stvari koje nas i život nauči.
15:40
And ironically, I think it's probably the single most important thing
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Ironično, mislim da je to vjerojatno najvažnija stvar
15:43
I possibly could have tattooed onto my body --
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koju sam uopće mogla istetovirati na svoje tijelo --
15:46
partly as a writer,
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djelomično kao spisateljica,
15:48
but also just as a human being.
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ali isto tako i kao ljudsko biće.
15:50
Here's the thing,
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Evo u čemu je stvar.
15:54
if we have goals
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Ako imamo ciljeve
15:56
and dreams,
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i snove
15:58
and we want to do our best,
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i želimo dati sve od sebe
16:02
and if we love people
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i ako volimo ljude
16:04
and we don't want to hurt them or lose them,
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i ne želimo ih povrijediti ni izgubiti,
16:06
we should feel pain when things go wrong.
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trebamo osjećati bol kad stvari pođu po zlu.
16:10
The point isn't to live without any regrets.
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Nije poanta u tome da živimo život bez žaljenja.
16:14
The point is to not hate ourselves for having them.
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Poanta je da ne mrzimo sebe zbog toga.
16:18
The lesson that I ultimately learned from my tattoo
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Ono što sam na kraju naučila iz svoje tetovaže
16:20
and that I want to leave you with today
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i ono što vam danas želim poručiti
16:22
is this:
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jest ovo:
16:24
We need to learn to love
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moramo naučiti voljeti
16:26
the flawed, imperfect things
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nesavršene, pogrešne stvari
16:28
that we create
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koje radimo
16:30
and to forgive ourselves for creating them.
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i oprostiti sami sebi što smo ih napravili.
16:34
Regret doesn't remind us that we did badly.
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Žaljenje nas ne podsjeća da smo učinili nešto loše.
16:37
It reminds us that we know we can do better.
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Podsjeća nas da znamo da možemo bolje.
16:40
Thank you.
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Hvala.
16:42
(Applause)
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(Pljesak)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Kathryn Schulz - WrongologistKathryn Schulz is a staff writer for the New Yorker and is the author of "Being Wrong: Adventures in the Margin of Error."
Why you should listen
Kathryn Schulz is a journalist, author, and public speaker with a credible (if not necessarily enviable) claim to being the world's leading wrongologist. She is the author of Being Wrong: Adventures in the Margin of Error. She was previously the book critic for New York Magazine; her writing has also appeared in the New York Times Magazine, Rolling Stone, TIME Magazine, the Boston Globe, the "Freakonomics" blog of The New York Times, The Nation, Foreign Policy, and the New York Times Book Review, among other publications. She is the former editor of the online environmental magazine Grist, and a former reporter and editor for The Santiago Times, of Santiago, Chile, where she covered environmental, labor, and human rights issues. She was a 2004 recipient of the Pew Fellowship in International Journalism (now the International Reporting Project), and has reported from throughout Central and South America, Japan, and, most recently, the Middle East. A graduate of Brown University and a former Ohioan, Oregonian and Brooklynite, she currently lives in New York's Hudson Valley.
Kathryn Schulz | Speaker | TED.com