TED2005
Carmen Agra Deedy: Once upon a time, my mother ...
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Storyteller Carmen Agra Deedy spins a funny, wise and luminous tale of parents and kids, starring her Cuban mother. Settle in and enjoy the ride -- Mama's driving!
Carmen Agra Deedy - Storyteller
Carmen Agra Deedy's luminous, funny, digressive tales of childhood and adulthood bring out the starry-eyed listener in us all. Full bio
Carmen Agra Deedy's luminous, funny, digressive tales of childhood and adulthood bring out the starry-eyed listener in us all. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:18
When I knew I was going to come to speak to you, I thought,
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"I gotta call my mother."
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I have a little Cuban mother -- she's about that big.
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Four feet. Nothing larger than the sum of her figurative parts.
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You still with me? (Laughter)
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I called her up.
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"Hello, how're you doing, baby?"
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"Hey, ma, I got to talk to you."
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"You're talking to me already. What's the matter?"
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I said, "I've got to talk to a bunch of nice people."
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"You're always talking to nice people, except when you went
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to the White House."
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"Ma, don't start!"
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And I told her I was coming to TED, and she said,
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"What's the problem?"
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And I said, "Well, I'm not sure."
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I said, "I have to talk to them about stories.
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It's 'Technology, Entertainment and Design.'"
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And she said, "Well, you design a story when you make it up,
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it's entertainment when you tell it,
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and you're going to use a microphone."
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01:16
(Laughter)
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I said, "You're a peach, ma. Pop there?"
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01:21
"What's the matter? The pearls of wisdom
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leaping from my lips like lemmings is no good for you?"
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(Laughter)
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Then my pop got on there.
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My pop, he's one of the old souls, you know --
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old Cuban man from Camaguey.
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01:35
Camaguey is a province in Cuba.
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He's from Florida.
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01:39
He was born there in 1924.
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He grew up in a bohio of dirt floors,
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and the structure was the kind used by the Tainos,
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our old Arawak ancestors.
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My father is at once quick-witted, wickedly funny,
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and then poignancy turns on a dime and leaves you breathless.
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"Papi, help."
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02:09
"I already heard your mother. I think she's right."
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(Laughter)
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02:14
"After what I just told you?"
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My whole life, my father's been there.
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02:18
So we talked for a few minutes, and he said,
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"Why don't you tell them what you believe?"
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I love that, but we don't have the time.
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Good storytelling is crafting a story that someone wants to listen to.
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Great story is the art of letting go.
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02:36
So I'm going to tell you a little story.
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Remember, this tradition comes to us
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not from the mists of Avalon, back in time, but further still,
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before we were scratching out these stories on papyrus,
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or we were doing the pictographs on walls in moist, damp caves.
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Back then, we had an urge, a need, to tell the story.
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When Lexus wants to sell you a car, they're telling you a story.
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Have you been watching the commercials?
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Because every one of us has this desire, for once -- just once --
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to tell our story and have it heard.
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There are stories you tell from stages.
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There's stories that you may tell
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in a small group of people with some good wine.
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And there's stories you tell late at night to a friend,
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maybe once in your life.
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And then there are stories that we whisper into a Stygian darkness.
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I'm not telling you that story.
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I'm telling you this one.
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It's called, "You're Going to Miss Me."
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It's about human connection.
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My Cuban mother, which I just briefly introduced you to
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in that short character sketch,
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came to the United States one thousand years ago.
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I was born in 19 -- I forget, and I came to this country
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with them in the aftermath of the Cuban revolution.
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We went from Havana, Cuba to Decatur, Georgia.
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And Decatur, Georgia's a small Southern town.
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And in that little Southern town, I grew up,
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and grew up hearing these stories.
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But this story only happened a few years ago.
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I called my mom.
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It was a Saturday morning.
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And I was calling about how to make ajiaco. It's a Cuban meal.
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It's delicious. It's savory.
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It makes spit froth in the little corners of your mouth --
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is that enough? It makes your armpits juicy, you know?
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That kind of food, yeah.
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This is the sensory part of the program, people.
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I called my mother, and she said, "Carmen, I need you to come, please.
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I need to go to the mall, and you know your father now,
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he takes a nap in the afternoon, and I got to go.
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I got an errand to run."
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Let me parenthetically pause here and tell you --
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Esther, my mother, had stopped driving several years ago,
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to the collective relief of the entire city of Atlanta.
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Any vehicular outing with that woman from the time I was a young child,
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guys, naturally included flashing, blue lights.
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But she'd become adept at dodging the boys in blue,
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and when she did meet them, oh, she had wonderful, well, rapport.
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"Ma'am, did you know that was a light you just ran?"
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05:13
(Spanish)
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05:16
"You don't speak English?"
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05:18
"No."
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05:20
(Laughter)
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But eventually, every dog has its day,
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and she ended up in traffic court,
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where she bartered with the judge for a discount.
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There's a historical marker.
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But now she was a septuagenarian, she'd stopped driving.
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And that meant that everyone in the family had to sign up
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to take her to have her hair dyed, you know,
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that peculiar color of blue that matches her polyester pants suit,
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you know, same color as the Buick.
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05:45
Anybody? All right.
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Little picks on the legs, where she does her needlepoint, and leaves little loops.
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Rockports -- they're for this.
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That's why they call them that.
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05:55
(Laughter)
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This is her ensemble.
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And this is the woman that wants me to come on a Saturday morning
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when I have a lot to do, but it doesn't take long because Cuban guilt is a weighty thing.
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I'm not going political on you but ... And so, I go to my mother's.
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06:09
I show up. She's in the carport.
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Of course, they have a carport.
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The kind with the corrugated roof, you know.
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The Buick's parked outside,
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and she's jingling, jangling a pair of keys.
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06:17
"I got a surprise for you, baby!"
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06:19
"We taking your car?"
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"Not we, I."
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06:23
And she reaches into her pocket and pulls out a catastrophe.
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06:28
Somebody's storytelling. Interactive art. You can talk to me.
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Oh, a driver's license, a perfectly valid driver's license.
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Issued, evidently, by the DMV in her own county of Gwinnett.
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Blithering fucking idiots.
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(Laughter)
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I said, "Is that thing real?"
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"I think so."
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"Can you even see?"
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"I guess I must."
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"Oh, Jesus."
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She gets into the car -- she's sitting on two phone books.
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I can't even make this part up because she's that tiny.
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She's engineered an umbrella so she can -- bam! -- slam the door.
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Her daughter, me, the village idiot with the ice cream cone
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in the middle of her forehead, is still standing there, slack-jawed.
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06:58
"You coming? You no coming?"
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"Oh, my God." I said, "OK, fine. Does pop know you're driving?"
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07:02
"Are you kidding me?"
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"How are you doing it?"
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"He's got to sleep sometime."
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And so we left my father fast asleep, because I knew he'd kill me
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if I let her go by herself, and we get in the car.
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Puts it in reverse. Fifty-five out of the driveway, in reverse.
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I am buckling in seatbelts from the front.
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I'm yanking them in from the back. I'm doing double knots.
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I mean, I've got a mouth as dry as the Kalahari Desert.
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I've got a white-knuckle grip on the door. You know what I'm talking about?
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And she's whistling, and finally I do the kind of
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birth breathing -- you know, that one?
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Only a couple of women are going uh-huh, uh-huh, uh-huh. Right.
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And I said, "Ma, would you slow down?"
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Because now she's picked up the Highway 285,
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the perimeter around Atlanta, which encompasses now --
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there's seven lanes, she's on all of them, y'all.
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I said, "Ma, pick a lane!"
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"They give you seven lanes, they expect you to use them."
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And there she goes, right.
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I don't believe for a minute she has been out and not been stopped.
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So, I think, hey, we can talk. It'll be a diversion.
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It'll help my breathing. It'll do something for my pulse, maybe.
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08:00
"Mommy, I know you have been stopped."
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"No, no, what you talking about?"
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"You have a license. How long have you been driving?"
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"Four or five days."
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"Yeah. And you haven't been stopped?"
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"I did not get a ticket."
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I said, "Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, but come on, come on, come on."
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"OK, so I stopped at a light
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and there's a guy, you know, in the back."
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08:18
"Would this guy have, like, a blue uniform
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and a terrified look on his face?"
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"You weren't there, don't start."
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"Come on. You got a ticket?"
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08:25
"No." She explained,
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"The man" -- I have to tell you as she did,
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because it loses something if I don't, you know --
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"he come to the window, and he does a thing like this,
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which tells me he's pretty old, you know.
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So I look up and I'm thinking,
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maybe he's still going to think I'm kind of cute."
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"Ma, are you still doing that?"
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"If it works, it works, baby.
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So, I say, 'Perdon, yo no hablo ingles.'
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Well, wouldn't you know, he had been in Honduras for the Peace Corps."
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08:53
(Laughter)
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So he's talking to her, and at some point she says,
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"Then, you know, it was it. That was it. It was done."
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09:01
"Yeah? What?
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He gave you a ticket? He didn't give you a ticket? What?"
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09:06
"No, I look up, and the light, she change."
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09:09
(Laughter)
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You should be terrified.
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Now, I don't know if she's toying with me,
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kind of like a cat batting back a mouse, batting back a mouse --
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left paw, right paw, left paw, right paw --
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but by now, we've reached the mall.
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Now, you have all been at a mall during the holidays, yes?
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Talk to me. Yes. Yes. You can say yes.
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Audience: Yes.
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Carmen Agra Deedy: All right, then you know that you have now entered parking lot purgatory,
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praying to that saint of perpetual availability
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that as you join that serpentine line of cars crawling along,
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some guy's going to turn on the brake lights
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just as you pull up behind him.
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But that doesn't happen most of the time, right?
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So, first I say, "Ma, why are we here?"
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09:44
"You mean, like, in the car?"
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"No, don't -- why are we here today?
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It's Saturday. It's the holidays."
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"Because I have to exchange your father's underwear."
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Now, see, this is the kind of Machiavellian thinking,
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that you really have to -- you know, in my mind, it's a rabbit's warren,
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this woman's mind.
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Do I want to walk in, because unless I have Ariadne's thread to anchor --
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enough metaphors for you? -- somewhere, I may not get out.
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But you know.
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(Laughter)
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"Why do we have to take pop's underwear back now?
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And why? What is wrong with his underwear?"
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10:17
"It will upset you."
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10:18
"It won't upset me. Why? What? Is something wrong with him?"
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10:21
"No, no, no. The only thing with him is, he's an idiot.
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I sent him to the store, which was my first mistake,
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and he went to buy underwear, and he bought the grippers,
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and he's supposed to buy the boxers."
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"Why?"
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10:33
"I read it on the Intersnet. You cannot have children."
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10:36
"Oh, my God!"
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(Laughter)
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Olivia? Huh? Huh?
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By now, we have now crawled another four feet,
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and my mother finally says to me, "I knew it, I knew it.
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I'm an immigrant. We make a space. What I tell you? Right there."
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And she points out the passenger window, and I look out,
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and three -- three -- aisles down,
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"Look, the Chevy."
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You want to laugh, but you don't know --
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you're that politically corrected, have you noticed?
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Correct the other direction now, it's OK.
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"Look, the Chevy -- he's coming this way."
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"Mama, mama, mama, wait, wait, wait. The Chevy is three aisles away."
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She looks at me like I'm her, you know, her moron child,
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the cretin, the one she's got to speak to very slowly and distinctly.
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"I know that, honey. Get out of the car
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and go stand in the parking space till I get there."
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OK, I want a vote. Come on, come on. No, no.
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How many of you once in your -- you were a kid, you were an adult --
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you stood in a parking space to hold it for someone?
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See, we're a secret club with a secret handshake.
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(Laughter)
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And years of therapy later, we're doing great.
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We're doing great. We're doing fine.
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Well, I stood up to her.
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This is -- you know, you'd think by now I'm -- and still holding?
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I said, "No way, ma, you have embarrassed me my entire life."
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Of course, her comeback is, "When have I embarrassed you?"
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(Spanish)
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And she's still talking while she puts the car in park,
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hits the emergency brake, opens the door,
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and with a spryness astounding in a woman her age,
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she jumps out of the car, knocks out the phone books,
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and then she walks around --
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she's carrying her cheap Kmart purse with her --
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around the front of the car.
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She has amazing land speed for a woman her age, too.
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Before I know it, she has skiddled across the parking lot
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and in between the cars, and people behind me, with that kind of
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usual religious charity that the holidays bring us, wah-wah wah-wah.
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12:26
"I'm coming." Italian hand signals follow.
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I scoot over. I close the door. I leave the phone books.
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This is new and fast, just so you -- are you still with us?
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We'll wait for the slow ones. OK.
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I start, and this is where a child says to me --
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and the story doesn't work if I tell you about her before,
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because this is my laconic child.
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A brevity, brevity of everything with this child.
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You know, she eats small portions.
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Language is something to be meted out
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in small phonemes, you know -- just little hmm, hmm-hmm.
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She carries a mean spiral notebook and a pen.
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She wields great power.
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She listens, because that's what people who tell stories do first.
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But she pauses occasionally and says,
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"How do you spell that? What year? OK."
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When she writes the expose in about 20 years,
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don't believe a word of it.
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But this is my daughter, Lauren, my remarkable daughter,
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my borderline Asperger's kid.
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Bless you, Dr. Watson.
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She says, "Ma, you got to look!"
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Now, when this kid says I got to look, you know.
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But it isn't like I haven't seen this crime scene before.
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I grew up with this woman.
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I said, "Lauren, you know what, give me a play-by-play. I can't."
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"No, mama, you got to look."
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I got to look. You got to look.
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Don't you want to look?
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There she is.
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I look in bewildered awe:
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she's standing, those Rockports slightly apart, but grounded.
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She's holding out that cheap Kmart purse, and she is wielding it.
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She's holding back tons of steel with the sheer force
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of her little personality, in that crone-ish voice, saying things like,
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"Back it up, buddy! No, it's reserved!"
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(Laughter)
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Ready? Brace yourselves. Here it comes.
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"No, my daughter, she's coming in the Buick.
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Honey, sit up so they can see you."
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Oh, Jesus. Oh, Jesus.
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I finally come -- and now, it's the South.
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I don't know what part of the country you live in.
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I think we all secretly love stories.
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We all secretly want our blankie and our Boo Bear.
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We want to curl up and say, "Tell it to me, tell it to me.
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Come on, honey, tell it to me."
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But in the South, we love a good story.
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People have pulled aside,
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I mean, they've come out of that queue line,
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they have popped their trunks, pulled out lawn chairs and cool drinks.
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Bets are placed.
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"I'm with the little lady. Damn!"
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(Laughter)
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And she's bringing me in with a slight salsa movement.
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She is, after all, Cuban.
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I'm thinking, "Accelerator, break. Accelerator, break."
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Like you've never thought that in your life? Right? Yeah.
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I pull in. I put the car in park.
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Engine's still running -- mine, not the car.
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I jump out next to her going, "Don't you move!"
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"I'm not going anywhere."
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She's got front seat in a Greek tragedy.
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I come out, and there's Esther.
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She's hugging the purse.
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"Que?" Which means "what," and so much more.
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(Laughter)
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"Ma, have you no shame?
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People are watching us all around," right?
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Now, some of them you've got to make up, people.
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Secret of the trade.
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Guess what? Some of these stories I sculpt a little, here and there.
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Some, they're just right there, right there. Put them right there.
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She says this to me.
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After I say -- let me refresh you --
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"have you no shame?"
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"No. I gave it up with pantyhose -- they're both too binding."
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(Laughter)
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(Applause)
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Yeah, you can clap, but then you're about 30 seconds from the end.
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I'm about to snap like a brittle twig, when suddenly someone taps me on the shoulder.
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Intrepid soul.
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I'm thinking, "This is my kid. How dare she?
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She jumped out of that car."
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That's OK, because my mother yells at me, I yell at her.
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It's a beautiful hierarchy, and it works.
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(Laughter)
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I turn around, but it's not a child. It's a young woman,
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a little taller than I, pale green, amused eyes.
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With her is a young man -- husband, brother, lover, it's not my job.
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And she says, "Pardon me, ma'am" -- that's how we talk down there --
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"is that your mother?"
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I said, "No, I follow little old women around parking lots
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to see if they'll stop. Yes, it's my mother!"
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The boy, now, he says. "Well, what my sister meant" --
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they look at each other, it's a knowing glance -- "God, she's crazy!"
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I said, (Spanish), and the young girl and the young boy say,
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"No, no, honey, we just want to know one more thing."
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I said, "Look, please, let me take care of her, OK,
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because I know her, and believe me, she's like a small atomic weapon,
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you know, you just want to handle her really gingerly."
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And the girl goes, "I know, but, I mean, I swear to God,
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she reminds us of our mother."
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I almost miss it.
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He turns to her on the heel of his shoe.
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It's a half-whisper, "God, I miss her."
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They turn then, shoulder to shoulder, and walk away,
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lost in their own reverie.
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Memories of some maddening woman who was the luck of their DNA draw.
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And I turn to Esther, who's rocking on those 'ports, and says,
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"You know what, honey?"
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"What, ma?"
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"I'm going to drive you crazy probably for about 14, 15 more years,
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if you're lucky, but after that, honey, you're going to miss me."
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(Applause)
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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Carmen Agra Deedy - StorytellerCarmen Agra Deedy's luminous, funny, digressive tales of childhood and adulthood bring out the starry-eyed listener in us all.
Why you should listen
Carmen Agra Deedy is a storyteller and children's-book author. Born in Cuba, she moved to the United States as a child, and her childhood and family provide a rich vein of material for her vividly told stories.
She's a contributor to National Public Radio and has won numerous awards for her writing.
Carmen Agra Deedy | Speaker | TED.com