ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Eve Ensler - Playwright, activist
Eve Ensler created the ground-breaking "Vagina Monologues," whose success propelled her to found V-Day -- a movement to end violence against women and girls everywhere.

Why you should listen

Inspired by intimate conversations with friends, Eve Ensler wrote The Vagina Monologues. The play recounts tender, funny, gripping and horrifying stories she gathered from hundreds of women about their bodies, their sexual experiences, and yes, their vaginas. Since its first staging in 1996, it has been translated into more than 45 languages, performed in more than 120 countries and re-created as an HBO film.

The Vagina Monologues' success allowed Ensler to create V-Day, a global activist movement to end violence against women and girls, which has so far raised $85 million to prevent violence and protect abused women. In February 2011, Ensler received the Isabelle Stephenson Tony Award for her philanthropic work. Ensler has also drawn praise for The Good Body, a play that cuts to women's obsession with their appearance, and her film What I Want My Words to Do to You, which portrays a writing group she leads at a correctional facility for women. Today, she continues to find new projects and push the envelope. Her latest play, I Am an Emotional Creature: The Secret Life of Girls Around the World, hit the New York Times bestseller list and just wrapped a workshop production in Johannesburg -- nest stop is Paris and then Berkeley in June 2012.

More profile about the speaker
Eve Ensler | Speaker | TED.com
TEDWomen 2019

Eve Ensler: The profound power of an authentic apology

Eve Ensler: O poder profundo de um pedido de desculpas sincero

Filmed:
1,443,244 views

Um pedido de desculpas sincero vai além do remorso, diz a famosa dramaturga Eve Ensler. Nesta palestra franca e contundente, ela compartilha como transformou sua própria experiência de abuso em sabedoria sobre o que os transgressores podem fazer e dizer para se arrependerem verdadeiramente, e oferece um roteiro de quatro etapas para ajudar a iniciar o processo. (Esta palestra têm conteúdo adulto.)
- Playwright, activist
Eve Ensler created the ground-breaking "Vagina Monologues," whose success propelled her to found V-Day -- a movement to end violence against women and girls everywhere. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:13
For the past few years,
we've been calling men out.
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Nos últimos anos,
temos enfrentado os homens.
00:19
It had to be done.
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Isso tinha que ser feito.
00:20
(Applause)
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(Aplausos)
00:22
But lately, I've been thinking
we need to do something even harder.
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Mas venho pensando ultimamente
que precisamos fazer algo
ainda mais difícil.
00:28
We need, as my good friend
Tony Porter says,
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Precisamos, como diz
meu bom amigo Tony Porter,
00:32
to find a way to call men in.
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encontrar uma maneira
de chamá-los para uma conversa.
00:37
My father began to sexually abuse me
when I was five years old.
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Meu pai começou
a abusar sexualmente de mim
quando eu tinha cinco anos.
00:42
He would come into my room
in the middle of the night.
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Ele entrava em meu quarto
no meio da noite.
00:45
He appeared to be in a trance.
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Parecia estar em transe.
00:48
The abuse continued until I was 10.
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O abuso continuou até meus dez anos.
00:51
When I tried to resist him,
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Quando tentei resistir a meu pai,
00:54
when I was finally able to say no,
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quando finalmente consegui dizer não,
00:56
he began to beat me.
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ele começou a me bater.
00:58
He called me stupid.
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Ele me chamou de idiota.
01:00
He said I was a liar.
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Disse que eu era mentirosa.
01:02
The sexual abuse ended when I was 10,
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O abuso sexual terminou
quando eu tinha dez anos,
01:05
but actually, it never ended.
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mas, na verdade, nunca terminou.
01:09
It changed who I was.
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Mudou quem eu era.
01:11
I was filled with anxiety and guilt
and shame all the time,
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Eu ficava cheia de ansiedade, culpa
e vergonha o tempo todo,
01:16
and I didn't know why.
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e não sabia o porquê.
01:18
I hated my body, I hated myself,
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Odiava meu corpo, eu me odiava,
01:21
I got sick a lot,
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ficava muito doente,
01:22
I couldn't think,
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não conseguia pensar,
01:24
I couldn't remember things.
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nem me lembrar das coisas.
01:26
I was drawn to dangerous men and women
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Fui atraída para mulheres
e homens perigosos
01:29
who I allowed -- actually, I invited --
to treat me badly,
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que permiti - na verdade,
convidei - a me tratarem mal,
01:34
because that is what my father
taught me love was.
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pois meu pai havia me ensinado
que isso era amor.
01:38
I waited my whole life
for my father to apologize to me.
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Esperei a vida inteira
que meu pai se desculpasse comigo.
01:44
He didn't.
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Ele não se desculpou.
01:45
He wouldn't.
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Não se descuparia.
01:47
And then, with the recent
scandals of famous men,
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Então, com os escândalos recentes
de homens famosos,
01:49
as one after another was exposed,
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quando um após o outro foi exposto,
01:53
I realized something:
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percebi uma coisa:
01:55
I have never heard a man
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nunca ouvi falar de um homem
01:58
who has committed rape
or physical violence
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que cometeu estupro ou violência física
02:02
ever publicly apologize to his victim.
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pedir desculpas publicamente
à vítima dele.
02:08
I began to wonder,
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Comecei a me perguntar:
02:10
what would an authentic,
deep apology be like?
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"Como seria um pedido de desculpas
sincero e profundo?"
02:20
So, something strange began to happen.
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Então, algo estranho começou a acontecer.
02:24
I began to write,
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Comecei a escrever,
02:26
and my father's voice
began to come through me.
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e a voz de meu pai começou
a se manifestar para mim.
02:30
He began to tell me what he had done
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Ele começou a me dizer o que havia feito
02:32
and why.
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e por quê.
02:34
He began to apologize.
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Ele começou a se desculpar.
02:37
My father is dead almost 31 years,
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Meu pai morreu há quase 31 anos
02:39
and yet, in this apology,
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e, porém, nesse pedido de desculpas,
02:41
the one I had to write for him,
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que eu tinha que escrever por ele,
02:44
I discovered the power of an apology
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descobri o poder de um pedido de desculpas
02:48
and how it actually might be
the way to move forward
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e como poderia ser o caminho para avançar
02:51
in the crisis we now face
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na crise que agora enfrentamos
02:53
with men and all the women they abuse.
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com os homens e todas as mulheres
de quem eles abusam.
02:57
Apology is a sacred commitment.
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O pedido de desculpas
é um compromisso sagrado.
03:01
It requires complete honesty.
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Requer total honestidade.
03:04
It demands deep
self-interrogation and time.
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Exige tempo e autoquestionamento profundo.
03:07
It cannot be rushed.
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Não pode ser apressado.
03:10
I discovered an apology has four steps,
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Descobri que um pedido
de desculpas tem quatro etapas
03:13
and, if you would,
I'd like to take you through them.
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e, se me permitirem,
gostaria de ajudá-los a entendê-las.
A primeira é que você tem que dizer,
em detalhes, o que fez.
03:16
The first is you have to say
what, in detail, you did.
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03:20
Your accounting cannot be vague.
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Sua explicação não pode ser vaga.
"Sinto muito se machuquei você"
03:23
"I'm sorry if I hurt you"
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03:24
or "I'm sorry if I sexually abused you"
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ou "Sinto se abusei sexualmente de você"
03:26
doesn't cut it.
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não serve.
03:28
You have to say what actually happened.
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Você tem que dizer
o que aconteceu de verdade.
03:32
"I came into the room
in the middle of the night,
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"Entrei no quarto no meio da noite
03:34
and I pulled your underpants down."
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e abaixei sua calcinha."
03:37
"I belittled you because
I was jealous of you
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"Eu te desprezei por ciúmes
e queria que você se sentisse inferior."
03:39
and I wanted you to feel less."
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A libertação está nos detalhes.
03:42
The liberation is in the details.
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03:46
An apology is a remembering.
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Um pedido de desculpas é uma memória,
03:48
It connects the past with the present.
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que liga o passado ao presente
03:51
It says that what occurred
actually did occur.
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e diz que o que ocorreu realmente ocorreu.
03:55
The second step
is you have to ask yourself why.
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A segunda etapa é você ter
que se perguntar o porquê.
04:00
Survivors are haunted by the why.
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Os sobreviventes são
assombrados pelo porquê.
04:04
Why? Why would my father want
to sexually abuse his eldest daughter?
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Por quê? Por que meu pai iria querer
abusar sexualmente da filha mais velha?
04:09
Why would he take my head
and smash it against a wall?
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Por que ele pegaria minha cabeça
e a quebraria na parede?
04:15
In my father's case,
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No caso de meu pai,
04:17
he was a child born long after
the other children.
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ele era um filho
nascido muito após os demais.
04:22
He was an accident
that became "the miracle."
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Ele era um acidente
que se tornou "o milagre".
04:26
He was adored and treated
as the golden boy.
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Era adorado e tratado
como o garoto de ouro.
04:30
But adoration, it turns out, is not love.
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Mas acontece que adoração não é amor.
04:34
Adoration is a projection
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Adoração é uma projeção
04:35
of someone's need for you to be perfect
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da necessidade de alguém
que você seja perfeito
04:38
onto you.
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lançada sobre você.
04:39
My father had to live up
to this impossible ideal,
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Meu pai teve que corresponder
a esse ideal impossível
04:42
and so he was never allowed to be himself.
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e, portanto, nunca
lhe permitiram ser ele mesmo.
04:45
He was never allowed to express tenderness
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Nunca lhe permitiram expressar ternura
04:47
or vulnerability, curiosity, doubt.
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vulnerabilidade, curiosidade ou dúvida.
04:50
He was never allowed to cry.
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Nunca lhe permitiram chorar.
04:53
And so he was forced to push
all those feelings underground,
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Ele foi forçado a esconder
todos esses sentimentos,
04:56
and they eventually metastasized.
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que acabaram perigosamente transformados.
04:59
Those suppressed feelings
later became Shadowman,
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Esses sentimentos reprimidos o tornaram,
mais tarde, o "Homem das Sombras",
05:03
and he was out of control,
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e ele estava fora de controle
05:04
and he eventually unleashed
his torrent on me.
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e, por fim, extravasou
sua enxurrada sobre mim.
05:10
The third step is you have
to open your heart
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A terceira etapa é abrir o coração
05:14
and feel what your victim felt
as you were abusing her.
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e sentir o que sua vítima sentiu
quando você estava abusando dela.
05:19
You have to let your heart break.
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Você tem que deixar seu coração partir.
05:21
You have to feel the horror and betrayal
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Você tem que sentir
o horror, a deslealdade
05:23
and the long-term impacts
of your abuse on your victim.
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e os impactos a longo prazo
de seu abuso sobre sua vítima.
05:27
You have to sit with the suffering
you have caused.
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Você tem que ficar
com o sofrimento que causou.
05:31
And, of course, the fourth step
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E, é claro, a quarta etapa
05:33
is taking responsibility
for what you have done
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é assumir a responsabilidade
pelo que você fez
05:36
and making amends.
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e compensar o mal.
05:38
So, why would anyone want to go through
such a grueling and humbling process?
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Mas por que alguém iria querer passar
por um processo tão árduo e humilhante?
05:44
Why would you want to rip yourself open?
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Por que você iria querer se abrir?
05:48
Because it is the only thing
that will set yourself free.
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Porque é a única coisa que libertará você.
05:52
It is the only thing
that will set your victim free.
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É a única coisa que libertará sua vítima.
05:56
You didn't just destroy your victim.
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Você não só destruiu sua vítima.
05:59
You destroyed yourself.
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Você se destruiu.
06:01
There is no one who enacts
violence on another person
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Não há ninguém que pratique
violência contra outra pessoa
06:05
who doesn't suffer
from the effects themselves.
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que não sofra as consequências disso.
06:09
It creates an incredibly dark
and contaminating spirit,
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Isso cria um espírito incrivelmente
sombrio e contaminador,
06:16
and it spreads
throughout your entire life.
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que se espalha por toda a sua vida.
06:19
The apology I wrote -- I learned something
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O pedido de desculpas
que escrevi - aprendi algo
06:22
about a different lens
we have to look through
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sobre uma lente diferente
pela qual temos que olhar
06:25
to understand the problem
of men's violence
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para entender o problema
da violência masculina
06:28
that I and one billion
other women have survived.
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a que eu e 1 bilhão
de outras mulheres sobrevivemos.
06:32
We often turn to punishment first.
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Muitas vezes recorremos
primeiro ao castigo.
06:35
It's our first instinct, but actually,
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É o nosso primeiro instinto,
mas, na verdade,
06:38
although punishment
sometimes is effective,
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embora o castigo, às vezes, seja eficaz,
06:42
on its own, it is not enough.
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por si só não é suficiente.
06:44
My father punished me.
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Meu pai me castigou.
06:46
I was shut down,
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Fui enclausurada e estava em pedaços.
06:48
and I was broken.
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06:50
I think punishment hardens us,
but it doesn't teach us.
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Acho que o castigo nos torna
insensíveis, mas não nos ensina.
06:54
Humiliation is not revelation.
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Humilhação não é revelação.
06:57
We actually need to create a process
that may involve punishment,
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Precisamos criar um processo
que possa envolver castigo,
07:02
whereby we open a doorway
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pelo qual abrimos uma entrada
07:04
where men can actually become
something and someone else.
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em que os homens possam, na verdade,
se tornar algo e alguém diferente.
07:09
For so many years, I hated my father.
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Por muitos anos, odiei meu pai.
07:12
I wanted him dead. I wanted him in prison.
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Eu o queria morto; eu o queria na prisão.
07:15
But actually, that rage kept me
connected to my father's story.
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Mas, na verdade, essa raiva me mantinha
conectada à história de meu pai.
07:20
What I really wanted
wasn't just for my father to be stopped.
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O que eu queria realmente não era apenas
que fizessem meu pai parar.
07:24
I wanted him to change.
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Eu queria que ele mudasse,
que pedisse desculpas.
07:26
I wanted him to apologize.
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07:28
That's what we want.
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É isso o que queremos.
07:29
We don't want men to be destroyed,
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Não queremos que os homens
sejam destruídos,
07:32
we don't want them to only be punished.
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não queremos que sejam apenas punidos.
07:34
We want them to see us,
the victims that they have harmed,
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Queremos que eles nos vejam -
as vítimas a quem fizeram mal -
07:39
and we want them to repent
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e queremos que se arrependam e que mudem.
07:41
and change.
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07:43
And I actually believe this is possible.
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Acredito de verdade
que isso seja possível.
07:46
And I really believe it's our way forward.
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E acredito realmente
que é o nosso caminho adiante.
07:49
But we need men to join us.
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Mas precisamos que os homens
juntem-se a nós.
07:53
We need men now to be brave
and be part of this transformation.
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Precisamos que eles sejam corajosos
e façam parte dessa transformação.
07:59
I have spent most of my life
calling men out,
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Passei a maior parte de minha vida
enfrentando os homens
08:04
and I am here now,
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e estou aqui agora,
08:07
right now,
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neste momento,
08:09
to call you in.
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para chamá-los para uma conversa.
08:13
Thank you.
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Obrigada.
08:14
(Applause)
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(Aplausos)
08:16
Thank you.
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Obrigada.
08:17
(Applause)
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(Aplausos)
08:18
Thank you, thank you.
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Muito obrigada.
08:20
(Applause)
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(Aplausos)
Translated by Maurício Kakuei Tanaka
Reviewed by Leonardo Silva

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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Eve Ensler - Playwright, activist
Eve Ensler created the ground-breaking "Vagina Monologues," whose success propelled her to found V-Day -- a movement to end violence against women and girls everywhere.

Why you should listen

Inspired by intimate conversations with friends, Eve Ensler wrote The Vagina Monologues. The play recounts tender, funny, gripping and horrifying stories she gathered from hundreds of women about their bodies, their sexual experiences, and yes, their vaginas. Since its first staging in 1996, it has been translated into more than 45 languages, performed in more than 120 countries and re-created as an HBO film.

The Vagina Monologues' success allowed Ensler to create V-Day, a global activist movement to end violence against women and girls, which has so far raised $85 million to prevent violence and protect abused women. In February 2011, Ensler received the Isabelle Stephenson Tony Award for her philanthropic work. Ensler has also drawn praise for The Good Body, a play that cuts to women's obsession with their appearance, and her film What I Want My Words to Do to You, which portrays a writing group she leads at a correctional facility for women. Today, she continues to find new projects and push the envelope. Her latest play, I Am an Emotional Creature: The Secret Life of Girls Around the World, hit the New York Times bestseller list and just wrapped a workshop production in Johannesburg -- nest stop is Paris and then Berkeley in June 2012.

More profile about the speaker
Eve Ensler | Speaker | TED.com