TEDWomen 2019
Eve Ensler: The profound power of an authentic apology
Iv Ensler (Eve Ensler): Apsolutna moć iskrenog izvinjenja
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Iskreno izvinjenje je više od kajanja, kaže legendarna dramska spisateljica Iv Ensler. U ovom iskrenom govoru, govori o tome kako je uspela da sopstveno iskustvo zlostavljanja pretvori u mudrost, šta krivci mogu učiniti i reći kako bi iskazali iskreno kajanje. Nudi plan od četiri koraka, kojima se može započeti taj proces. (Ovaj govor sadrži sadržaje za odrasle.)
Eve Ensler - Playwright, activist
Eve Ensler created the ground-breaking "Vagina Monologues," whose success propelled her to found V-Day -- a movement to end violence against women and girls everywhere. Full bio
Eve Ensler created the ground-breaking "Vagina Monologues," whose success propelled her to found V-Day -- a movement to end violence against women and girls everywhere. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:13
For the past few years,
we've been calling men out.
we've been calling men out.
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U poslednjih nekoliko godina,
prozivamo muškarce.
prozivamo muškarce.
00:19
It had to be done.
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Morali smo to da učinimo.
00:20
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
00:22
But lately, I've been thinking
we need to do something even harder.
we need to do something even harder.
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Nedavno sam počela da mislim
da treba nešto još teže da preduzmemo.
da treba nešto još teže da preduzmemo.
00:28
We need, as my good friend
Tony Porter says,
Tony Porter says,
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Moramo, kako bi moj dobar drug,
Toni Porter, rekao,
Toni Porter, rekao,
00:32
to find a way to call men in.
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da nađemo način
da ih uključimo u razgovor.
da ih uključimo u razgovor.
00:37
My father began to sexually abuse me
when I was five years old.
when I was five years old.
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Moj otac počeo je da me seksualno
zlostavlja kada sam imala pet godina.
zlostavlja kada sam imala pet godina.
00:42
He would come into my room
in the middle of the night.
in the middle of the night.
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Došao bi u moju sobu usred noći.
00:45
He appeared to be in a trance.
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Činilo se kao da je u transu.
00:48
The abuse continued until I was 10.
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Zlostavljanje se nastavilo
do moje desete godine.
do moje desete godine.
00:51
When I tried to resist him,
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Kada sam pokušala da se odbranim,
00:54
when I was finally able to say no,
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kada sam napokon postala sposobna
da mu kažem "Ne.",
da mu kažem "Ne.",
00:56
he began to beat me.
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počeo je da me tuče.
00:58
He called me stupid.
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Nazivao me glupom.
01:00
He said I was a liar.
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Govorio da sam lažov.
01:02
The sexual abuse ended when I was 10,
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Seksualno zlostavljanje završilo se
kada sam imala 10 godina,
kada sam imala 10 godina,
01:05
but actually, it never ended.
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ali se, zapravo, nikad nije završilo.
01:09
It changed who I was.
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Promenilo me je kao osobu.
01:11
I was filled with anxiety and guilt
and shame all the time,
and shame all the time,
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Bila sam ispunjena strahom i krivicom,
i sramotom sve vreme,
i sramotom sve vreme,
01:16
and I didn't know why.
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i nisam znala zašto.
01:18
I hated my body, I hated myself,
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Mrzela sam svoje telo, mrzela sam sebe,
01:21
I got sick a lot,
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često sam bila bolesna,
01:22
I couldn't think,
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nisam mogla da razmišljam,
01:24
I couldn't remember things.
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pamćenje me nije služilo.
01:26
I was drawn to dangerous men and women
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Privlačili su me opasni muškarci i žene
01:29
who I allowed -- actually, I invited --
to treat me badly,
to treat me badly,
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kojima sam dopuštala - zapravo sam to
i dozivala - da me loše tretiraju,
i dozivala - da me loše tretiraju,
01:34
because that is what my father
taught me love was.
taught me love was.
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jer me je otac naučio da je to ljubav.
01:38
I waited my whole life
for my father to apologize to me.
for my father to apologize to me.
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Ceo život sam čekala da mi se otac izvini.
01:44
He didn't.
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Nije.
01:45
He wouldn't.
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Nije hteo.
01:47
And then, with the recent
scandals of famous men,
scandals of famous men,
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A onda, nakon aktuelnih skandala
poznatih muškaraca,
poznatih muškaraca,
01:49
as one after another was exposed,
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dok su se jedan za drugim otkrivali,
01:53
I realized something:
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shvatila sam nešto:
01:55
I have never heard a man
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nikada nisam čula muškarca,
01:58
who has committed rape
or physical violence
or physical violence
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koji je izvršio silovanje
ili fizičko nasilje,
ili fizičko nasilje,
02:02
ever publicly apologize to his victim.
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kako se javno izvinjava svojoj žrtvi.
02:08
I began to wonder,
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Počela sam se pitati,
02:10
what would an authentic,
deep apology be like?
deep apology be like?
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kako bi izgledalo jedno iskreno
i ozbiljno izvinjenje.
i ozbiljno izvinjenje.
02:20
So, something strange began to happen.
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Tako je nešto čudno počelo da se dešava.
02:24
I began to write,
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Počela sam da pišem,
02:26
and my father's voice
began to come through me.
began to come through me.
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i glas moga oca počeo je
kroz mene da se oglašava.
kroz mene da se oglašava.
02:30
He began to tell me what he had done
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Počeo je da mi govori šta mi je uradio
02:32
and why.
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i zašto.
02:34
He began to apologize.
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Počeo je da se izvinjava.
02:37
My father is dead almost 31 years,
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Otac mi je mrtav već skoro 31 godinu,
02:39
and yet, in this apology,
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ali bez obzira, u tom izvinjenju,
02:41
the one I had to write for him,
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koje sam ja morala da napišem za njega,
02:44
I discovered the power of an apology
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otkrila sam moć izvinjenja
02:48
and how it actually might be
the way to move forward
the way to move forward
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i kako bi ono moglo biti pravi način
da krenemo dalje,
da krenemo dalje,
02:51
in the crisis we now face
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u krizi u kojoj se nalazimo trenutno
02:53
with men and all the women they abuse.
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sa muškarcima i svim ženama
koje oni zlostavljaju.
koje oni zlostavljaju.
02:57
Apology is a sacred commitment.
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Izvinjenje je sveto delo.
03:01
It requires complete honesty.
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Zahteva potpunu iskrenost.
03:04
It demands deep
self-interrogation and time.
self-interrogation and time.
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Zahteva duboko ispitivanje
samoga sebe i mnogo vremena.
samoga sebe i mnogo vremena.
03:07
It cannot be rushed.
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Ne može se požurivati.
03:10
I discovered an apology has four steps,
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Saznala sam da se izvinjenje
sastoji od četiri koraka,
sastoji od četiri koraka,
03:13
and, if you would,
I'd like to take you through them.
I'd like to take you through them.
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koja bih, ako vam to odgovara,
htela da vam predstavim.
htela da vam predstavim.
03:16
The first is you have to say
what, in detail, you did.
what, in detail, you did.
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Kao prvo morate detaljno izreći
šta ste učinili.
šta ste učinili.
03:20
Your accounting cannot be vague.
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Vaše izvinjenje ne sme da bude nejasno.
03:23
"I'm sorry if I hurt you"
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"Izvini, ako sam te povredio"
03:24
or "I'm sorry if I sexually abused you"
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"Izvini, ako sam te
seksualno zlostavljao,"
seksualno zlostavljao,"
03:26
doesn't cut it.
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nije dovoljno.
03:28
You have to say what actually happened.
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Morate reći šta se tačno dogodilo.
03:32
"I came into the room
in the middle of the night,
in the middle of the night,
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"Došao sam ti u sobu usred noći,
03:34
and I pulled your underpants down."
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i skinuo ti gaćice."
03:37
"I belittled you because
I was jealous of you
I was jealous of you
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"Omalovažavao sam te jer sam ti zavideo
03:39
and I wanted you to feel less."
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i hteo da se osećaš manje vrednom."
03:42
The liberation is in the details.
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Oslobođenje se nalazi u detaljima.
03:46
An apology is a remembering.
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Izvinjenje je prisećanje.
03:48
It connects the past with the present.
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Spaja prošlost i sadašnjost.
03:51
It says that what occurred
actually did occur.
actually did occur.
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Potvrđuje da se ono
što se desilo stvarno desilo.
što se desilo stvarno desilo.
03:55
The second step
is you have to ask yourself why.
is you have to ask yourself why.
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Drugi korak je da se upitate "Zašto?".
04:00
Survivors are haunted by the why.
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Preživele progoni pitanje "Zašto?".
04:04
Why? Why would my father want
to sexually abuse his eldest daughter?
to sexually abuse his eldest daughter?
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Zašto? Zašto bi moj otac hteo da seksualno
zlostavlja svoju najstariju ćerku?
zlostavlja svoju najstariju ćerku?
04:09
Why would he take my head
and smash it against a wall?
and smash it against a wall?
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Zašto bi hteo da mi glavu udari o zid?
04:15
In my father's case,
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U slučaju moga oca,
04:17
he was a child born long after
the other children.
the other children.
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bio je dete rođeno
mnogo posle ostale dece.
mnogo posle ostale dece.
04:22
He was an accident
that became "the miracle."
that became "the miracle."
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Bio je nepredviđen i postao "čudo".
04:26
He was adored and treated
as the golden boy.
as the golden boy.
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Obožavali su ga i tretirali ga kao nešto
sasvim posebno - omiljeno dete.
sasvim posebno - omiljeno dete.
04:30
But adoration, it turns out, is not love.
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Ali obožavanje,
ispostavilo se, nije ljubav.
ispostavilo se, nije ljubav.
04:34
Adoration is a projection
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Obožavanje je projekcija
04:35
of someone's need for you to be perfect
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nečije potrebe da budeš savršen
04:38
onto you.
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na tebe.
04:39
My father had to live up
to this impossible ideal,
to this impossible ideal,
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Moj otac morao je da dostigne
taj nemogući ideal,
taj nemogući ideal,
04:42
and so he was never allowed to be himself.
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pa zato nikada nije smeo
da bude ono što jeste.
da bude ono što jeste.
04:45
He was never allowed to express tenderness
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Nikada nije smeo da izrazi nežnost
04:47
or vulnerability, curiosity, doubt.
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ili ranjivost, radoznalost, neizvesnost.
04:50
He was never allowed to cry.
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Nikada nije smeo da zaplače.
04:53
And so he was forced to push
all those feelings underground,
all those feelings underground,
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I tako je bio prisiljen
da sva svoja osećanja potisne,
da sva svoja osećanja potisne,
04:56
and they eventually metastasized.
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i ona su na kraju metastazirala.
04:59
Those suppressed feelings
later became Shadowman,
later became Shadowman,
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Ta potisnuta osećanja
kasnije su postala senka,
kasnije su postala senka,
05:03
and he was out of control,
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i ta senka izgubila je kontrolu,
05:04
and he eventually unleashed
his torrent on me.
his torrent on me.
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pa je, naposletku, kada je puštena
sa lanca, krenula na mene.
sa lanca, krenula na mene.
05:10
The third step is you have
to open your heart
to open your heart
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Treći korak je da morate otvoriti dušu
05:14
and feel what your victim felt
as you were abusing her.
as you were abusing her.
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i osetiti kako se vaša žrtva osećala
dok ste je zlostavljali.
dok ste je zlostavljali.
05:19
You have to let your heart break.
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Morate svome srcu dopustiti da se slomi.
05:21
You have to feel the horror and betrayal
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Morate osetiti taj horor i tu izdaju
05:23
and the long-term impacts
of your abuse on your victim.
of your abuse on your victim.
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i dugoročni uticaj vašeg
zlostavljanja na vašu žrtvu.
zlostavljanja na vašu žrtvu.
05:27
You have to sit with the suffering
you have caused.
you have caused.
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Morate sesti sa patnjom
koju ste uzrokovali.
koju ste uzrokovali.
05:31
And, of course, the fourth step
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I, naravno, četvrti korak je
05:33
is taking responsibility
for what you have done
for what you have done
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da prihvatitie svoju krivicu
u onome što se uradili
u onome što se uradili
05:36
and making amends.
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i ispravite grešku.
05:38
So, why would anyone want to go through
such a grueling and humbling process?
such a grueling and humbling process?
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Dakle, zašto bi iko poželeo da prođe
kroz toliko naporan i ponižavajuć proces?
kroz toliko naporan i ponižavajuć proces?
05:44
Why would you want to rip yourself open?
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Zašto bi neko hteo da se toliko otvori?
05:48
Because it is the only thing
that will set yourself free.
that will set yourself free.
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Zato što je to jedino
što bi vas moglo osloboditi.
što bi vas moglo osloboditi.
05:52
It is the only thing
that will set your victim free.
that will set your victim free.
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Takođe je jedino
što bi oslobodilo njegovu žrtvu.
što bi oslobodilo njegovu žrtvu.
05:56
You didn't just destroy your victim.
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Niste uništili samo vašu žrtvu.
05:59
You destroyed yourself.
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Uništili ste i samoga sebe.
06:01
There is no one who enacts
violence on another person
violence on another person
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Ne postoji osoba koja drugoj nanosi zlo,
06:05
who doesn't suffer
from the effects themselves.
from the effects themselves.
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a posledice ne nosi i sama.
06:09
It creates an incredibly dark
and contaminating spirit,
and contaminating spirit,
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Stvara neverovatno mračnu
i zaraznu energiju,
i zaraznu energiju,
06:16
and it spreads
throughout your entire life.
throughout your entire life.
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koja se širi kroz ceo vaš život.
06:19
The apology I wrote -- I learned something
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Izvinjenje koje sam napisala -
naučila sam nešto
naučila sam nešto
06:22
about a different lens
we have to look through
we have to look through
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o drugoj prespektivi,
iz koje treba da posmatramo,
iz koje treba da posmatramo,
06:25
to understand the problem
of men's violence
of men's violence
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kako bismo razumeli problem
muškog nasilja,
muškog nasilja,
06:28
that I and one billion
other women have survived.
other women have survived.
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koje smo preživele ja
i milijardu drugih žena.
i milijardu drugih žena.
06:32
We often turn to punishment first.
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Često se prvo osvrćemo kazni.
06:35
It's our first instinct, but actually,
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To nam je prvi instinkt, ali zapravo,
06:38
although punishment
sometimes is effective,
sometimes is effective,
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iako je kazna nekada efikasna,
06:42
on its own, it is not enough.
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sama po sebi nije dovoljna.
06:44
My father punished me.
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Moj otac me je kažnjavao.
06:46
I was shut down,
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Bila sam odbačena
06:48
and I was broken.
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i bila sam slomljena.
06:50
I think punishment hardens us,
but it doesn't teach us.
but it doesn't teach us.
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Smatram da nas kazne čine jačima
ali nas ne uče ničemu.
ali nas ne uče ničemu.
06:54
Humiliation is not revelation.
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Poniženje nije otkrovenje.
06:57
We actually need to create a process
that may involve punishment,
that may involve punishment,
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Moramo da stvorimo proces,
koji možda obuhvata i kaznu,
koji možda obuhvata i kaznu,
07:02
whereby we open a doorway
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ali i otvara vrata mogućnosti
07:04
where men can actually become
something and someone else.
something and someone else.
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da muškarci postanu
nešto drugo ili neko drugi.
nešto drugo ili neko drugi.
07:09
For so many years, I hated my father.
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Toliko godina mrzela sam svoga oca.
07:12
I wanted him dead. I wanted him in prison.
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Htela sam da umre.
Htela sam da ga pritvore.
Htela sam da ga pritvore.
07:15
But actually, that rage kept me
connected to my father's story.
connected to my father's story.
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Ali me je taj bes povezivao
sa očevom pričom.
sa očevom pričom.
07:20
What I really wanted
wasn't just for my father to be stopped.
wasn't just for my father to be stopped.
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Ono što sam stvarno htela
nije bilo samo da ga neko zaustavi.
nije bilo samo da ga neko zaustavi.
07:24
I wanted him to change.
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Htela sam da se promeni.
07:26
I wanted him to apologize.
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Htela sam da se izvini.
07:28
That's what we want.
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To je ono što želimo.
07:29
We don't want men to be destroyed,
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Ne želimo da muškarci budu uništeni,
07:32
we don't want them to only be punished.
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ne želimo da budu samo kažnjavani.
07:34
We want them to see us,
the victims that they have harmed,
the victims that they have harmed,
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Želimo da nas vide,
žrtve kojima su naudili,
žrtve kojima su naudili,
07:39
and we want them to repent
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i želimo da se pokajaju
07:41
and change.
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i da se promene.
07:43
And I actually believe this is possible.
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A ja stvarno verujem da je to moguće.
07:46
And I really believe it's our way forward.
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I ja stvarno verujem
da nam je to način da krenemo dalje.
da nam je to način da krenemo dalje.
07:49
But we need men to join us.
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Ali treba da nam se muškarci priključe.
07:53
We need men now to be brave
and be part of this transformation.
and be part of this transformation.
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Treba da muškarci budu hrabri
i budu deo ove transformacije.
i budu deo ove transformacije.
07:59
I have spent most of my life
calling men out,
calling men out,
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Provela sam većinu svog života
kritikujući muškarce,
kritikujući muškarce,
08:04
and I am here now,
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i sad sam ovde,
08:07
right now,
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da vas upravo sad,
08:09
to call you in.
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pozovem, da se priključite razgovoru.
08:13
Thank you.
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Hvala vam.
08:14
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
08:16
Thank you.
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Hvala.
08:17
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
08:18
Thank you, thank you.
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Hvala vam, hvala.
08:20
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Eve Ensler - Playwright, activistEve Ensler created the ground-breaking "Vagina Monologues," whose success propelled her to found V-Day -- a movement to end violence against women and girls everywhere.
Why you should listen
Inspired by intimate conversations with friends, Eve Ensler wrote The Vagina Monologues. The play recounts tender, funny, gripping and horrifying stories she gathered from hundreds of women about their bodies, their sexual experiences, and yes, their vaginas. Since its first staging in 1996, it has been translated into more than 45 languages, performed in more than 120 countries and re-created as an HBO film.
The Vagina Monologues' success allowed Ensler to create V-Day, a global activist movement to end violence against women and girls, which has so far raised $85 million to prevent violence and protect abused women. In February 2011, Ensler received the Isabelle Stephenson Tony Award for her philanthropic work. Ensler has also drawn praise for The Good Body, a play that cuts to women's obsession with their appearance, and her film What I Want My Words to Do to You, which portrays a writing group she leads at a correctional facility for women. Today, she continues to find new projects and push the envelope. Her latest play, I Am an Emotional Creature: The Secret Life of Girls Around the World, hit the New York Times bestseller list and just wrapped a workshop production in Johannesburg -- nest stop is Paris and then Berkeley in June 2012.
Eve Ensler | Speaker | TED.com