TEDWomen 2010
Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman: Let's talk parenting taboos
鲁弗斯·格里斯科姆Rufus Griscom和阿利萨·沃尔克曼Alisa Volkman：让我们说说育儿的禁忌
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Babble.com的出版者鲁弗斯·格里斯科姆Rufus Griscom和阿利萨·沃尔克曼Alisa Volkman, 这对活泼的夫妻搭档用诙谐幽默坦诚的讲话向已是父母和还不是父母的人们展示了4个为人父母常常不肯承认但是应该承认的事实。
Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman - Website co-founders
Rufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman co-founded Babble, a website for parents. He’s the CEO, she’s the VP of sales strategy and brand development, and they have three sons. Full bio
Rufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman co-founded Babble, a website for parents. He’s the CEO, she’s the VP of sales strategy and brand development, and they have three sons. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:18
Alisa Volkman: So this is where our story begins --
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阿利萨·沃尔克曼Alisa Volkman: 我们的故事是从这里开始的
00:21
the dramatic moments of the birth
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富有戏剧性的一刻
00:23
of our first son, Declan.
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我们的儿子德克兰Declan出生了。
00:25
Obviously a really profound moment,
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显然这的确是一个非常重要的时刻，
00:27
and it changed our lives in many ways.
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它从各个方面改变了我们的生活。
00:29
It also changed our lives in many unexpected ways,
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它对我们的生活产生了很多没有预料到的改变，
00:31
and those unexpected ways we later reflected on,
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这些改变后来影响着我们，
00:34
that eventually spawned a business idea between the two of us,
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最终导致我们两个产生了一个新的商务想法，
00:36
and a year later, we launched Babble,
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一年以后， 我们启动了Babble
00:38
a website for parents.
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一个给家长的网页。
00:40
Rufus Griscom: Now I think of our story
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鲁弗斯·格里斯科姆Rufus Griscom; 现在我想想， 我们的故事
00:42
as starting a few years earlier. AV: That's true.
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其实是几年前就开始了。 ( AV：那是真的。)
00:45
RG: You may remember, we fell head over heels in love.
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RG：你也许记得， 我们那时彻头彻尾地相爱。
00:48
AV: We did.
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AV：是的。
00:50
RG: We were at the time running a very different kind of website.
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RG：那个时候我们在运作一个非常不同的网页。
00:52
It was a website called Nerve.com,
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它叫做：Nerve.com
00:54
the tagline of which was "literate smut."
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它的标题是有关“色情文学”。
00:57
It was in theory, and hopefully in practice,
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我们希望它在理论上， 或者实践上也是，
01:00
a smart online magazine
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一个睿智地讲述
01:02
about sex and culture.
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性和文化的时髦网络杂志。
01:05
AV: That spawned a dating site.
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AV：这个杂志催生出了一个约会网。
01:08
But you can understand the jokes that we get. Sex begets babies.
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但是你们可能理解我们的玩笑了：性招致婴儿的到来。
01:10
You follow instructions on Nerve and you should end up on Babble,
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你按Nerve上的说明行事，结果就是得到个小孩，
01:13
which we did.
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这就发生在我们身上。
01:15
And we might launch a geriatric site as our third. We'll see.
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我们还很可能建立一个老年网，等着瞧吧。
01:19
RG: But for us, the continuity between Nerve and Babble
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RG: 但是对我们来说， Nerve和 Babble之间的传承
01:22
was not just the life stage thing,
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不只是生活中的不同阶段，
01:24
which is, of course, relevant,
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当然，它们是相关的，
01:26
but it was really more about
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但事实上它们更多地意味着
01:28
our desire to speak very honestly
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我们渴望诚实地讲述
01:30
about subjects that people have difficulty speaking honestly about.
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很多在人们看来非常困难诚实表述的话题。
01:33
It seems to us that
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我们觉得
01:35
when people start dissembling, people start lying about things,
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当人们掩饰的时候， 人们开始撒谎，
01:38
that's when it gets really interesting.
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这个现象很有意思，
01:40
That's a subject that we want to dive into.
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这是我们想要深入的话题。
01:42
And we've been surprised to find, as young parents,
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而我们吃惊地发现， 作为年轻的父母，
01:44
that there are almost more taboos around parenting
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为人父母的禁忌
01:47
than there are around sex.
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居然比性的禁忌还多。
01:49
AV: It's true. So like we said,
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AV：真的， 如我们所说，
01:51
the early years were really wonderful,
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最初的几年真的是很美好，
01:53
but they were also really difficult.
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但有时也很困难。
01:55
And we feel like some of that difficulty
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而我们觉得某些困难
01:57
was because of this false advertisement around parenting.
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是因为那些围绕着为人父母的错误广告造成的。
02:00
(Laughter)
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(笑声)
02:02
We subscribed to a lot of magazines, did our homework,
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我们订了很多杂志， 做了我们的功课，
02:05
but really everywhere you look around, we were surrounded by images like this.
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但是我们看到的每个地方， 我们都被这样的图片包围着。
02:08
And we went into parenting
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我们就是这样进入家长期的
02:10
expecting our lives to look like this.
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并期望我们的生活也看着跟这些照片似的。
02:12
The sun was always streaming in, and our children would never be crying.
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阳光永远照耀， 我们的孩子从来不哭闹。
02:15
I would always be perfectly coiffed and well rested,
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我常常做好的发型几近完美，并总能得到充分的休息。
02:19
and in fact, it was not like that at all.
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但事实上， 我压根儿不是那样的。
02:21
RG: When we lowered the glossy parenting magazine
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RG：当我们放下这些光鲜的家长杂志
02:24
that we were looking at, with these beautiful images,
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放下那些美丽的图片，
02:26
and looked at the scene in our actual living room,
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看着我们客厅里的实际景象，
02:28
it looked a little bit more like this.
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这才是实际情况。
02:30
These are our three sons.
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这是我们的三个儿子。
02:32
And of course, they're not always crying and screaming,
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当然，他们并不总是哭闹叫喊。
02:34
but with three boys, there's a decent probability
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但是， 三个男孩，很可能的情况是
02:36
that at least one of them will not be comporting himself
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至少其中一个表现不好
02:38
exactly as he should.
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正如他本该表现的那样。
02:40
AV: Yes, you can see where the disconnect was happening for us.
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AV：是的， 你可以看到， 发生在我们身上的截然不同的育儿经历。
02:43
We really felt like what we went in expecting
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我们真的感到我们期望的
02:46
had nothing to do with what we were actually experiencing,
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和我们实际体验的没有任何关系。
02:49
and so we decided we really wanted to give it to parents straight.
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所以我们决定要给准备为人父母的人们更直接的认识。
02:52
We really wanted to let them understand
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我们真的希望用诚实的方式让他们懂得
02:55
what the realities of parenting were in an honest way.
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为人父母的现实状况。
02:58
RG: So today, what we would love to do
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RG：所以今天， 我们喜欢做的事情
03:00
is share with you four parenting taboos.
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就是跟你们分享做父母的四个禁忌。
03:03
And of course, there are many more than four things
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当然， 做父母的禁忌远远
03:05
you can't say about parenting,
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不止四个。
03:07
but we would like to share with you today
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但我们今天跟你分享四个
03:09
four that are particularly relevant for us personally.
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和我们个人有关的四个禁忌。
03:12
So the first, taboo number one:
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第一个禁忌：
03:15
you can't say you didn't fall in love with your baby
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你不能说你没有在你孩子出生的第一
03:18
in the very first minute.
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分钟就爱上了你的孩子。
03:20
I remember vividly, sitting there in the hospital.
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我清楚地记得， 坐在医院那儿。
03:23
We were in the process of giving birth to our first child.
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我们经历着我们第一个孩子分娩的过程。
03:26
AV: We, or I?
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AV：我们， 还是我？
03:28
RG: I'm sorry.
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RG：对不起
03:30
Misuse of the pronoun.
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我用错了代词。
03:32
Alisa was very generously in the process
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阿里萨Alisa 非常慷慨地经历着我们第一个
03:34
of giving birth to our first child -- (AV: Thank you.)
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孩子的分娩过程--( AV：谢谢。)
03:36
-- and I was there with a catcher's mitt.
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我在那里戴着接生手套，
03:38
And I was there with my arms open.
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张口双臂。
03:40
The nurse was coming at me
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护士朝我走来
03:42
with this beautiful, beautiful child,
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手里抱着一个非常漂亮的孩子。
03:44
and I remember, as she was approaching me,
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我记得当她朝我走来时，
03:46
the voices of friends saying,
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一个朋友的声音告诉我说：
03:49
"The moment they put the baby in your hands,
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“当你抱着新生儿的那一刻，
03:51
you will feel a sense of love that will come over you
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你会感到爱环绕着你，
03:54
that is [on] an order of magnitude more powerful
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这种力量是你今生今世
03:56
than anything you've ever experienced in your entire life."
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从来没有经历过的。”
03:59
So I was bracing myself for the moment.
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所以我张口双臂等待拥抱的这一刻。
04:01
The baby was coming,
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孩子出生了，
04:03
and I was ready for this Mack truck of love
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而我也准备好了让这强大的爱
04:05
to just knock me off my feet.
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将我全全包围。
04:08
And instead, when the baby was placed in my hands,
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然而相反， 当护士将孩子送到我手里的时候，
04:11
it was an extraordinary moment.
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那是特殊的一刻。
04:13
This picture is from literally a few seconds after
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在孩子出生后几秒钟拍的这张照片里，
04:16
the baby was placed in my hands and I brought him over.
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他们把孩子放到我的手里， 我把他抱过来。
04:19
And you can see, our eyes were glistening.
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你们可以看见， 我们的眼睛闪烁着光芒。
04:21
I was overwhelmed with love and affection for my wife,
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我的心中充满了对我的妻子的爱，
04:24
with deep, deep gratitude
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和深深的感谢，
04:26
that we had what appeared to be a healthy child.
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感谢我们得到了一个健康的孩子。
04:28
And it was also, of course, surreal.
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这一切仿佛还不真切。
04:30
I mean, I had to check the tags and make sure.
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我是说， 我得查看孩子的标签来确定。
04:32
I was incredulous, "Are you sure this is our child?"
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我怀疑说：“你确定这是我们的孩子吗？”
04:34
And this was all quite remarkable.
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那是非常不寻常的一刻。
04:37
But what I felt towards the child at that moment was deep affection,
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但是那一刻我对孩子的感情是深深的爱，
04:40
but nothing like what I feel for him now, five years later.
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但是那种感受和五年后也就是我现在
04:43
And so we've done something here
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对他的感受不可相提并论，
04:45
that is heretical.
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我们做了件很邪乎的事情。
04:47
We have charted
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我们用图表
04:50
our love for our child over time.
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记录了我们对孩子的爱。
04:53
(Laughter)
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(笑声)
04:55
This, as you know, is an act of heresy.
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你知道， 这个行为挺邪乎的。
04:58
You're not allowed to chart love.
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用图表来记录爱是不可思议的事情。
05:00
The reason you're not allowed to chart love
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而大家不记录爱的原因
05:02
is because we think of love as a binary thing.
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是因为我们认为爱是二进制的东西。
05:04
You're either in love, or you're not in love.
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你要么爱，要么不爱。
05:06
You love, or you don't love.
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你爱， 还是不爱。
05:08
And I think the reality is that love is a process,
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而我认为其实爱是一个过程。
05:11
and I think the problem with thinking of love
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我觉得把爱看成是二进制
05:13
as something that's binary
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是有问题的，
05:15
is that it causes us
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它会促使我们
05:17
to be unduly concerned
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过分担心
05:19
that love is fraudulent, or inadequate, or what have you.
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爱是虚伪的，不充分的， 或者你到底爱了什么。
05:22
And I think I'm speaking obviously here to the father's experience.
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我想我现在是代表父亲的经验在说话。
05:25
But I think a lot of men do go through this sense
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但是我想很多男人都经历过这种感觉
05:27
in the early months, maybe their first year,
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在最初的几个月里， 或者第一年
05:30
that their emotional response is inadequate in some fashion.
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他们的感情反应从某种形式上来看是不够的。
05:33
AV: Well, I'm glad Rufus is bringing this up,
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AV: 我很高兴鲁弗斯Rufus提到这一点，
05:35
because you can notice where he dips in the first years
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因为你们可以看见他对孩子的爱在第一年是下降的
05:38
where I think I was doing most of the work.
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那会儿我觉得几乎所有的活都是我干的。
05:41
But we like to joke,
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但是我们喜欢开玩笑，
05:43
in the first few months of all of our children's lives,
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在我们几个孩子最初的几个月里，
05:45
this is Uncle Rufus.
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我们叫他：鲁弗斯Rufus叔叔。
05:47
(Laughter)
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(笑声)
05:49
RG: I'm a very affectionate uncle, very affectionate uncle.
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RG：我是个很亲昵的叔叔， 非常深情。
05:51
AV: Yes, and I often joke with Rufus when he comes home
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AV：是的， 我常常和他开玩笑说
05:54
that I'm not sure he would actually be able to find our child in a line-up
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如果我把咱们的孩子和其他孩子排成一排
05:57
amongst other babies.
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他是否能把他认出来。
05:59
So I actually threw a pop quiz here onto Rufus.
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所以我这里给鲁弗斯Rufus出一个突击测验。
06:01
RG: Uh oh.
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RG：啊噢
06:03
AV: I don't want to embarrass him too much. But I am going to give him three seconds.
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AV：我不想让他感到太尴尬， 但是我会问他三秒钟。
06:06
RG: That is not fair. This is a trick question. He's not up there, is he?
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RG：这不公平， 这问题有鬼， 他不在里面，是吗？
06:09
AV: Our eight-week-old son is somewhere in here,
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AV：我们八个礼拜的儿子在这里面。
06:12
and I want to see if Rufus can actually quickly identify him.
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我想看看鲁弗斯Rfufus 是不是能很快地找到他。
06:14
RG: The far left. AV: No!
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RG：最左面那个 (AV：不是！)
06:16
(Laughter)
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(笑声)
06:23
RG: Cruel.
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RG：残忍啊！
06:25
AV: Nothing more to be said.
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AV: 我没什么可说的了。
06:27
(Laughter)
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(笑声)
06:29
I'll move on to taboo number two.
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我来说说第二个禁忌。
06:31
You can't talk about how lonely having a baby can be.
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你不能说有个孩子可能会让你感到孤独。
06:34
I enjoyed being pregnant. I loved it.
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我喜欢怀孕， 我热爱怀孕。
06:36
I felt incredibly connected to the community around me.
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我感到和我周围的社区紧密相连。
06:39
I felt like everyone was participating in my pregnancy, all around me,
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我感到好像每个人都参与了我的怀孕过程，
06:42
tracking it down till the actual due-date.
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直到生产的最后一天他们一直在为我算着日子。
06:46
I felt like I was a vessel of the future of humanity.
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我觉得我就是一个承载未来人类的容器。
06:49
That continued into the the hospital. It was really exhilarating.
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这种感觉一直带到医院， 真是挺来劲的。
06:52
I was shower with gifts and flowers and visitors.
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大家来看我，送礼物，鲜花。
06:55
It was a really wonderful experience,
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那可真是非常美好的经验。
06:58
but when I got home,
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但是当我回到家后，
07:00
I suddenly felt very disconnected
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我突然感到非常隔绝
07:02
and suddenly shut in and shut out,
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突然被关闭起来了。
07:05
and I was really surprised by those feelings.
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我对这种感觉感到奇怪。
07:07
I did expect it to be difficult,
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我也预料会比较困难，
07:09
have sleepless nights, constant feedings,
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会有不眠之夜，不断地哺乳，
07:11
but I did not expect the feelings
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但是我没想到我会
07:13
of isolation and loneliness that I experienced,
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感到隔绝和孤独。
07:16
and I was really surprised that no one had talked to me,
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而我也很奇怪没有人告诉我，
07:18
that I was going to be feeling this way.
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我会有这样的感觉。
07:20
And I called my sister
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我打电话给我姐姐
07:22
whom I'm very close to -- and had three children --
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她跟我很亲近， 已经有了三个孩子，
07:25
and I asked her, "Why didn't you tell me
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我问她：“你怎么不告诉我会
07:27
I was going to be feeling this way,
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有这种感觉，
07:29
that I was going to have these -- feeling incredibly isolated?"
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我会有这种非常隔绝的感觉？”
07:33
And she said -- I'll never forget --
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她的回答我永远不会忘记， 她说：
07:35
"It's just not something you want to say to a mother
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“ 这不是你应该对一个第一次
07:37
that's having a baby for the first time."
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当母亲的人要说的话。”
07:40
RG: And of course, we think
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RG：当然，我们觉得
07:42
it's precisely what you really should be saying
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这正是你应该告诉第一次
07:45
to mothers who have kids for the first time.
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做母亲的人的话。
07:48
And that this, of course, one of the themes for us
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而这个，我们的主题之一
07:51
is that we think
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就是我们认为
07:53
that candor and brutal honesty
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直率和残酷坦诚
07:55
is critical to us collectively
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对我们成为好家长
07:57
being great parents.
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至关重要。
07:59
And it's hard not to think
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而且我们很难不把
08:01
that part of what leads to this sense of isolation
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导致这种隔绝的部分原因
08:03
is our modern world.
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与现代社会连系起来。
08:05
So Alisa's experience is not isolated.
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所以阿里萨Alisa的感受不是个别人的感受。
08:07
So your 58 percent of mothers surveyed
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58%的母亲在调查中
08:09
report feelings of loneliness.
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报告感到孤独。
08:11
Of those, 67 percent are most lonely
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其中， 67%的人在孩子0到5岁
08:13
when their kids are zero to five -- probably really zero to two.
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或很可能0到2岁的时候最孤独。
08:16
In the process of preparing this,
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在准备这个讲话的过程中
08:18
we looked at how some other cultures around the world
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我们了解了世界上其他文化是如何
08:20
deal with this period of time,
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应付这个阶段的，
08:23
because here in the Western world,
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因为在西方
08:25
less than 50 percent of us live near our family members,
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几乎50%的人都不住在娘家附近，
08:28
which I think is part of why this is such a tough period.
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我认为这就是为什么这个阶段很难过。
08:31
So to take one example among many:
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举例来说：
08:33
in Southern India
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在南印度，
08:35
there's a practice known as jholabhari,
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有个叫jholabihari的习俗，
08:37
in which the pregnant woman, when she's seven or eight months pregnant,
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当孕妇怀孕7，8个月后
08:40
moves in with her mother
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就会搬到她母亲那里去
08:42
and goes through a series of rituals and ceremonies,
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在母亲家经历了一系列的庆祝仪式，
08:44
give birth and returns home to her nuclear family
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在生完孩子几个月后才回到
08:47
several months after the child is born.
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自己的小家庭。
08:49
And this is one of many ways
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这是我们认为其他文化弥补
08:51
that we think other cultures offset this kind of lonely period.
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产妇在这一孤独阶段的手段。
08:54
AV: So taboo number three:
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AV：第三个禁忌是
08:56
you can't talk about your miscarriage -- but today I'll talk about mine.
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你不能谈你流产的事情，但是今天我要来讲讲我的经历。
08:59
So after we had Declan,
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我们有了德克兰Declan以后，
09:01
we kind of recalibrated our expectations.
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我们重新调整了我们的期望。
09:03
We thought we actually could go through this again
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我们的确想要第二个孩子，
09:06
and thought we knew what we would be up against.
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我们认为我们已经知道我们面对的是什么了。
09:09
And we were grateful that I was able to get pregnant,
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我们也很感激我又能怀上孩子。
09:12
and I soon learned that we were having a boy,
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很快我就得知我们会有一个男孩。
09:14
and then when I was five months,
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而我怀孕5个月的时候，
09:16
we learned that we had lost our child.
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我发现我们的孩子没了。
09:18
This is actually the last little image we have of him.
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这是我们有关他的最后一张照片。
09:22
And it was obviously a very difficult time --
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显然那是非常困难的一段时间
09:24
really painful.
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非常痛苦。
09:27
As I was working through that mourning process,
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在我哀痛的过程中，
09:30
I was amazed that I didn't want to see anybody.
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我吃惊地发现我不想见任何人。
09:33
I really wanted to crawl into a hole,
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我只想爬到一个洞穴中去。
09:36
and I didn't really know how I was going
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我不知道我怎样回到
09:38
to work my way back into my surrounding community.
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自己周围的社群中去。
09:41
And I realize, I think, the way I was feeling that way,
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我认识到， 我的那种种感受
09:44
is on a really deep gut level,
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都带有很深的负罪感，
09:46
I was feeling a lot of shame
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我感到非常羞辱
09:49
and embarrassed, frankly,
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尴尬， 坦白说
09:51
that, in some respects, I had failed
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从某种角度来说， 我觉得我没有
09:53
at delivering what I'm genetically engineered to do.
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能够完成我天生造就我应该能做的事情。
09:56
And of course, it made me question,
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当然，这使我也疑惑
09:58
if I wasn't able to have another child,
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如果我不能再生孩子，
10:00
what would that mean for my marriage,
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那这对我们的婚姻意味着什么，
10:02
and just me as a woman.
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我怎样才算一个合格的女人。
10:04
So it was a very difficult time.
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所以那段时间很难。
10:06
As I started working through it more,
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当我开始着手应付它的时候，
10:08
I started climbing out of that hole and talking with other people.
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我开始爬出洞穴与人交谈。
10:11
I was really amazed
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我真的很吃惊
10:13
by all the stories that started flooding in.
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那些故事像洪水般涌来。
10:15
People I interacted with daily,
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那些每天跟我交往的人
10:17
worked with, was friends with,
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一起工作的人， 朋友们
10:19
family members that I had known a long time,
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我认识了很久的亲戚们
10:21
had never shared with me their own stories.
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从来没有跟我讲过她们的故事。
10:23
And I just remember feeling all these stories came out of the woodwork,
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我只觉得这些故事好象是从地缝里冒出来似的。
10:26
and I felt like I happened upon
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我发现自己撞进
10:28
this secret society of women that I now was a part of,
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了这个秘密的妇女组织，
10:31
which was reassuring and also really concerning.
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这让我刚到既放心又担心。
10:35
And I think,
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我想
10:37
miscarriage is an invisible loss.
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流产是一个隐形的损失。
10:39
There's not really a lot of community support around it.
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它没有得到很多社区的支持。
10:41
There's really no ceremony,
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它没有典礼，
10:43
rituals, or rites.
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没有仪式。
10:45
And I think, with a death, you have a funeral, you celebrate the life,
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我想， 如果人死， 那有葬礼， 颂扬一生，
10:48
and there's a lot of community support,
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会得到很多社区的支持。
10:50
and it's something women don't have with miscarriage.
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但是妇女流产不会得到同样的待遇。
10:52
RG: Which is too bad because, of course,
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RG：当然， 这是很糟糕的，
10:54
it's a very common and very traumatic experience.
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其实这是很常见和伤害很大的经历。
10:56
Fifteen to 20 percent of all pregnancies result in miscarriage,
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流产的比率是百分之15 到20。
10:59
and I find this astounding.
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令我吃惊的是
11:01
In a survey, 74 percent of women said
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调查表明， 百分之74的妇女说
11:03
that miscarriage, they felt, was partly their fault, which is awful.
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她们感到流产是由于她们的过错，真太可怕了。
11:06
And astoundingly, 22 percent
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更令人吃惊的是， 百分之22
11:08
said they would hide a miscarriage from their spouse.
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的人说， 她们对她们的丈夫隐瞒流产的事情。
11:10
So taboo number four:
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第四个禁忌是
11:12
you can't say that your average happiness
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你不能说你日常的快乐感
11:15
has declined since having a child.
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因为从有了孩子以后降低了。
11:18
The party line is that every single aspect of my life
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统一的的说法是我的生活的各个方面
11:21
has just gotten dramatically better
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在我参与到孩子的出生
11:23
ever since I participated
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和家庭的扩大的奇迹中后
11:25
in the miracle that is childbirth and family.
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得到了巨大的改善。
11:29
I'll never forget, I remember vividly to this day,
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我永远都不会忘记， 我今天还记忆犹新，
11:32
our first son, Declan, was nine months old,
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我们第一个孩子德克兰Declan九个月大的时候，
11:35
and I was sitting there on the couch,
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我在沙发上坐着，
11:37
and I was reading Daniel Gilbert's wonderful book, "Stumbling on Happiness."
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我在读丹·吉尔伯特Daniel Gilbert精彩的书：《撞上快乐》。
11:40
And I got about two-thirds of the way through,
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我读完三分之二的时候，
11:42
and there was a chart on the right-hand side --
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右边的那页列了一张表。
11:45
on the right-hand page --
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在右边这页，
11:47
that we've labeled here
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我们贴了标记：
11:49
"The Most Terrifying Chart Imaginable
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“最让刚刚为人父母害怕的
11:51
for a New Parent."
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的图表。”
11:53
This chart is comprised of four completely independent studies.
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这张图表是四个完全独立的研究的成果组成的。
11:56
Basically, there's this precipitous drop
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简单地说， 生孩子后婚姻满意度
11:59
of marital satisfaction,
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会徒然下降，
12:01
which is closely aligned, we all know, with broader happiness,
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这跟广泛意义上幸福感的升降基本一致
12:04
that doesn't rise again
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而这种幸福感一直到
12:06
until your first child goes to college.
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你第一个孩子上大学后才会回升。
12:09
So I'm sitting here looking at the next two decades of my life,
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我坐在那里想到我未来20多年的人生
12:12
this chasm of happiness
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设想我们驾驶着敞篷车长驱直入
12:14
that we're driving our proverbial convertible straight into.
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到这种幸福的深渊。
12:17
We were despondent.
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我们感到郁闷极了。
12:20
AV: So you can imagine, I mean again, the first few months were difficult,
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AV：你们可以想象，最初的几个月是比较困难的，
12:22
but we'd come out of it,
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但是我们克服了，
12:24
and were really shocked to see this study.
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当我们看到这个研究报告时，也的确很震惊。
12:26
So we really wanted to take a deeper look at it
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我们真的很想深入了解它
12:29
in hopes that we would find a silver lining.
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希望我们可以找到一线曙光。
12:31
RG: And that's when it's great to be running a website for parents,
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RG: 这是为父母们提供一个网页的好时机，
12:33
because we got this incredible reporter
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因为我们的优秀的记者们
12:36
to go and interview all the scientists
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采访了那些撰写了研究报告
12:39
who conducted these four studies.
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的科学家们。
12:41
We said, something is wrong here.
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我们是觉得，这研究结果有点不对劲。
12:43
There's something missing from these studies.
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这些研究里缺乏了什么东西。
12:45
It can't possibly be that bad.
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结果不可能这么糟糕。
12:49
So Liz Mitchell did a wonderful job with this piece,
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所以我们的记者莉斯·米切尔liz Mitchell写了这篇精彩的文章。
12:52
and she interviewed four scientists,
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她采访了四个科学家，
12:55
and she also interviewed Daniel Gilbert,
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她也采访了丹·吉尔伯特Daniel Gilbert。
12:57
and we did indeed find a silver lining.
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我们真的发现了一线曙光。
12:59
So this is our guess
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所以我们猜想
13:01
as to what this baseline of average happiness
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贯穿人一生的幸福的平均基线图
13:04
arguably looks like throughout life.
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是什么样的。
13:06
Average happiness is, of course, inadequate,
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平均的幸福， 当然是不够的，
13:08
because it doesn't speak
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它不能表达
13:10
to the moment-by-moment experience,
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不同时刻的经历。
13:12
and so this is what we think it looks like
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所以我们觉得
13:15
when you layer in
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当你叠加进不同时刻的经历后
13:17
moment-to-moment experience.
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幸福曲线图应该是这样的。
13:20
And so we all remember as children,
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我们都记得我们的童年，
13:22
the tiniest little thing -- and we see it on the faces of our children --
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我们可以在孩子的脸上看到
13:25
the teeniest little thing
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那些芝麻绿豆的小事情
13:27
can just rocket them to these heights
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就可以让他们开心得不得了
13:29
of just utter adulation,
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那真是可爱至极，
13:31
and then the next teeniest little thing
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接下来，另一件芝麻绿豆的小事
13:33
can cause them just to plummet to the depths of despair.
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又可以让他们闷闷不乐，伤心至极。
13:35
And it's just extraordinary to watch, and we remember it ourselves.
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观察这些时刻特别有趣，而我们自己也记得这些往事。
13:38
And then, of course, as you get older,
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然后， 当你长大了，
13:40
it's almost like age is a form of lithium.
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年龄就像锂一样，
13:42
As you get older, you become more stable.
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锂是越老越稳定。人是越老越稳重。
13:45
And part of what happens, I think, in your '20s and '30s,
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其中，在20，30岁之间，
13:48
is you start to learn to hedge your happiness.
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你开始学着维系你的幸福。
13:50
You start to realize that
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你会意识到
13:52
"Hey, I could go to this live music event
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“我可能去音乐会现场
13:55
and have an utterly transforming experience
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会得到那种彻底享乐的感受
13:57
that will cover my entire body with goosebumps,
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我浑身上下都很激动，
14:00
but it's more likely that I'll feel claustrophobic
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但是我更会感到幽闭恐怖
14:02
and I won't be able to get a beer.
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我都没法买瓶啤酒。
14:05
So I'm not going to go.
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所以我不去了。
14:07
I've got a good stereo at home. So, I'm not going to go."
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我家里有很好的立体音响器材， 所以， 我还是不去了。”
14:10
So your average happiness goes up,
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所以你的平均的幸福感提升了，
14:13
but you lose those transcendent moments.
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但是你失去了那些超级享乐的时刻。
14:15
AV: Yeah, and then you have your first child,
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AV:是的， 然后你有了你的第一个孩子。
14:18
and then you really resubmit yourself
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然后你真的把自己跟这些
14:20
to these highs and lows --
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幸福最高点和幸福最低点间的生活联系在一起--
14:22
the highs being the first steps, the first smile,
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幸福值高的地方是孩子的第一步，第一个笑脸，
14:25
your child reading to you for the first time --
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你的孩子第一次为你读书；
14:27
the lows being, our house, any time from six to seven every night.
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幸福值低的时刻是我们家每天晚上6点到7点。
14:32
But you realize you resubmit yourself
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但是你认识到你是身不由己地投入到
14:34
to losing control in a really wonderful way,
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一种美好的生活方式中去，
14:37
which we think provides a lot of meaning to our lives
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我们觉得它对我们的人生有很大的意义
14:39
and is quite gratifying.
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我们为此很感激。
14:41
RG: And so in effect,
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RG:所以结果是
14:43
we trade average happiness.
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我们用我们的平均幸福作了交换。
14:45
We trade the sort of security and safety
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我们用那些安全保险
14:47
of a certain level of contentment
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为我们带来的一定程度上的满意
14:49
for these transcendent moments.
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去交换那些特殊时光。
14:52
So where does that leave the two of us
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而这一切将给我们两个
14:54
as a family with our three little boys
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和我们的三个男孩
14:56
in the thick of all this?
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产生什么影响呢？
14:58
There's another factor in our case.
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对我们家而言还有另一个因素。
15:00
We have violated yet another taboo
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在我们的生活里，我们又违犯了另一个禁忌
15:02
in our own lives,
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。
15:04
and this is a bonus taboo.
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这是一个额外的禁忌。
15:07
AV: A quick bonus taboo for you, that we should not be working together,
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AV：这是一个额外的禁忌经验， 我们不应该在一起工作
15:10
especially with three children --
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特别是和我们三个孩子在一起
15:12
and we are.
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但是我们还是在一起工作了。
15:14
RG: And we had reservations about this on the front end.
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RG：我们一开始对这条禁忌有保留意见。
15:17
Everybody knows, you should absolutely not work with your spouse.
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每个人都知道，你不要跟你爱人一起工作。
15:20
In fact, when we first went out to raise money to start Babble,
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事实上一开始我们为Babble募集资金时，
15:23
the venture capitalists said,
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那个风险投资人说，
15:25
"We categorically don't invest
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“我们绝不投资
15:27
in companies founded by husbands and wives,
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由夫妻一起创建的公司，
15:29
because there's an extra point of failure.
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因为这另加了一个失败的因素。
15:31
It's a bad idea. Don't do it."
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这是坏主意， 不要这么做。”
15:33
And we obviously went forward. We did.
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而显然我们还是这么做了。
15:35
We raised the money, and we're thrilled that we did,
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我们募集到了资金， 我们特别高兴，
15:38
because in this phase of one's life,
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因为在人生的这个阶段中，
15:40
the incredibly scarce resource is time.
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最宝贵的财富是时间。
15:43
And if you're really passionate about what you do every day -- which we are --
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而如果你真的对你所从事的事情充满热情， 如我们一样，
15:46
and you're also passionate about your relationship,
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而你也很在乎你们的关系，
15:48
this is the only way we know how to do it.
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那么，夫妻搭档在一起工作，这就是我们知道的唯一的办法。
15:51
And so the final question that we would ask is:
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所以我们最后的一个问题是：
15:53
can we collectively bend that happiness chart upwards?
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我们能不能将幸福曲线的图表往上调整？
15:56
It's great that we have these transcendent moments of joy,
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我们生活中有这些特殊的幸福时刻当然很好，
15:59
but they're sometimes pretty quick.
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但是有的时候它们来得快去得快。
16:02
And so how about that average baseline of happiness?
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我们能不能将幸福的平均基线
16:05
Can we move that up a little bit?
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提高一些呢？
16:07
AV: And we kind of feel that the happiness gap, which we talked about,
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AV：我们感到我们原来所谓的幸福
16:10
is really the result of walking into parenting --
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是针对步入家长的这一过程中
16:12
and really any long-term partnership for that matter --
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和建立任何长期的关系中
16:14
with the wrong expectations.
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带有错误的期望而言的。
16:16
And if you have the right expectations and expectation management,
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如果你建立了正确的期望和管理期望的手段，
16:19
we feel like it's going to be a pretty gratifying experience.
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我们发现结果是可喜的。
16:22
RG: And so this is what --
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RG：这就是
16:24
And we think that a lot of parents,
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我们认为很多家长，
16:26
when you get in there -- in our case anyway --
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你们来到这里， 和我们一样，
16:28
you pack your bags for a trip to Europe, and you're really excited to go.
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你打好了包裹去欧洲旅行，你特别兴奋地想去。
16:31
Get out of the airplane,
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上了飞机，
16:33
it turns out you're trekking in Nepal.
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结果你是在尼泊尔徒步旅行。
16:35
And trekking in Nepal is an extraordinary experience,
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徒步在尼泊尔旅行本身是一个非常特殊的经验，
16:38
particularly if you pack your bags properly
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特别是如果你合理地准备了行装，
16:40
and you know what you're getting in for and you're psyched.
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你知道你来干什么的， 你会非常激动。
16:42
So the point of all this for us today
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所以今天我们讲这些的关键不是
16:44
is not just hopefully honesty for the sake of honesty,
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希望大家为诚实而诚实，
16:47
but a hope that by being more honest and candid about these experiences,
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而是希望通过诚实坦白地讲述这些经历，
16:50
that we can all collectively
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我们才可以携手努力
16:52
bend that happiness baseline up a little bit.
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将我们的幸福基线抬高一点。
16:55
RG + AV: Thank you.
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RG+AV：谢谢。
16:57
(Applause)
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(掌声)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman - Website co-foundersRufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman co-founded Babble, a website for parents. He’s the CEO, she’s the VP of sales strategy and brand development, and they have three sons.
Why you should listen
Alisa Volkman co-founded Babble with her husband, Rufus Griscom, in December 2006, and has spent the past four years growing the site to attract more than 4 million parents a month. As VP of Sales Strategy and Brand Development, Volkman oversees design, influences product development, and creates and sells custom ad programs.
Griscom serves as Babble’s CEO. He was co-founder of the pathbreaking Nerve.com in 1997, as the website’s founding editor and CEO. In the decade that followed, Griscom grew Nerve Media into a profitable website and online dating business, in the process spinning off Spring Street Networks. He serves as an advisor to several New York-based internet companies. Volkman and Griscom have three sons, Declan, Grey and the brand-new Rye.
Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman | Speaker | TED.com