TEDWomen 2010
Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman: Let's talk parenting taboos
Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman: Poďme sa rozprávať o rodičovských tabu
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Vydavatelia internetového časopisu Babble.com, Rufus Griscom a Alisa Volkman, odhaľujú štyri fakty, ktoré rodičia nikdy v živote nepriznajú -- a prečo by mali. Zábavné a úprimné, pre rodičov aj bezdetných.
Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman - Website co-founders
Rufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman co-founded Babble, a website for parents. He’s the CEO, she’s the VP of sales strategy and brand development, and they have three sons. Full bio
Rufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman co-founded Babble, a website for parents. He’s the CEO, she’s the VP of sales strategy and brand development, and they have three sons. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:18
Alisa Volkman: So this is where our story begins --
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Alisa Volkman: Takže tu náš príbeh začína --
00:21
the dramatic moments of the birth
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dramatické chvíle narodenia
00:23
of our first son, Declan.
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nášho prvého syna Declana.
00:25
Obviously a really profound moment,
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Je jasné, že to bol naozaj hlboký moment
00:27
and it changed our lives in many ways.
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a že to zmenilo naše životy mnohými spôsobmi.
00:29
It also changed our lives in many unexpected ways,
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Tiež to zmenilo naše životy mnohými neočakávanými spôsobmi
00:31
and those unexpected ways we later reflected on,
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a tie neočakávané spôsoby, o ktorých sme neskôr premýšľali,
00:34
that eventually spawned a business idea between the two of us,
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nás nakoniec priviedli k podnikateľkej myšlienke
00:36
and a year later, we launched Babble,
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a o rok neskôr sme spustili Babble,
00:38
a website for parents.
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web stránku pre rodičov.
00:40
Rufus Griscom: Now I think of our story
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Rufus Griscom: Ja si myslím, že náš príbeh
00:42
as starting a few years earlier. AV: That's true.
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začal pár rokov skôr. (AV: To je pravda.)
00:45
RG: You may remember, we fell head over heels in love.
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RG: Možno si pamätáte, zamilovali sme sa do seba až po uši.
00:48
AV: We did.
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AV: Zamilovali.
00:50
RG: We were at the time running a very different kind of website.
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RG: V tom čase sme viedli úplne iný typ web stránky.
00:52
It was a website called Nerve.com,
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Bola to web stránka Nerve.com
00:54
the tagline of which was "literate smut."
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ktorá bola -- jej sloganom bolo "prasačinky kultúrne".
00:57
It was in theory, and hopefully in practice,
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Bol to teoreticky, a snáď aj prakticky,
01:00
a smart online magazine
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moderný online magazín
01:02
about sex and culture.
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o sexe a kultúre.
01:05
AV: That spawned a dating site.
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AV: To podnietilo vznik stránky na zoznamovanie.
01:08
But you can understand the jokes that we get. Sex begets babies.
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Ale viete si predstaviť tie vtipy, ktoré nám hovorili. Sex má za výsledok bábätká.
01:10
You follow instructions on Nerve and you should end up on Babble,
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Ak sa budete riadiť návodmi na Nerve, mali by ste skončiť na Babble,
01:13
which we did.
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presne ako my.
01:15
And we might launch a geriatric site as our third. We'll see.
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A možno raz spustíme aj stránku pre starších ľudí. Uvidíme.
01:19
RG: But for us, the continuity between Nerve and Babble
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RG: Ale pre nás, spojitosť medzi Nerve a Babble
01:22
was not just the life stage thing,
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nebola len záležitosť životnej etapy,
01:24
which is, of course, relevant,
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čo sa toho samozrejme tiež týka,
01:26
but it was really more about
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ale bolo to oveľa viac
01:28
our desire to speak very honestly
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o našej túžbe hovoriť veľmi úprimne
01:30
about subjects that people have difficulty speaking honestly about.
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o veciach, o ktorých sa ľudia nerozprávajú úprimne.
01:33
It seems to us that
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Zdalo sa nám,
01:35
when people start dissembling, people start lying about things,
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že keď sa ľudia začnú pretvarovať, začnú o veciach klamať,
01:38
that's when it gets really interesting.
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vtedy to začína byť zaujímavé,
01:40
That's a subject that we want to dive into.
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to je vec, do ktorej sa chceme pustiť.
01:42
And we've been surprised to find, as young parents,
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A boli sme prekvapení, keď sme ako mladí rodičia zistili,
01:44
that there are almost more taboos around parenting
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že o rodičovstve je skoro viac tabu
01:47
than there are around sex.
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ako o sexe.
01:49
AV: It's true. So like we said,
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AV: To je pravda. Takže, ako sme povedali,
01:51
the early years were really wonderful,
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prvé roky boli naozaj úžasné,
01:53
but they were also really difficult.
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ale tiež veľmi náročné.
01:55
And we feel like some of that difficulty
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A cítili sme, že to bolo také ťažké aj
01:57
was because of this false advertisement around parenting.
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kvôli nepravdivej reklame o rodičovstve.
02:00
(Laughter)
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(Smiech)
02:02
We subscribed to a lot of magazines, did our homework,
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Predplatili sme si množstvo časopisov, robili sme svoju prácu,
02:05
but really everywhere you look around, we were surrounded by images like this.
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ale všade naokolo, kde sme sa pozreli, boli obrázky ako je tento.
02:08
And we went into parenting
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A do rodičovstva sme šli s tým,
02:10
expecting our lives to look like this.
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že náš život bude vyzerať takto.
02:12
The sun was always streaming in, and our children would never be crying.
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Vždy bude svietiť slnko a naše deti nikdy nebudú plakať.
02:15
I would always be perfectly coiffed and well rested,
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Vždy budem perfektne upravená a oddýchnutá.
02:19
and in fact, it was not like that at all.
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A v skutočnosti to také vôbec nebolo.
02:21
RG: When we lowered the glossy parenting magazine
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RG: Keď sme zložili lesklé časopisy o rodičovstve,
02:24
that we were looking at, with these beautiful images,
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kde boli tieto krásne obrázky,
02:26
and looked at the scene in our actual living room,
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a pozreli sme sa na našu obývačku,
02:28
it looked a little bit more like this.
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vyzeralo to asi takto.
02:30
These are our three sons.
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Toto sú naši traja synovia.
02:32
And of course, they're not always crying and screaming,
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A samozrejme, neplačú a nekričia stále.
02:34
but with three boys, there's a decent probability
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Ale s troma chlapcami máte slušnú pravdepodobnosť,
02:36
that at least one of them will not be comporting himself
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že aspoň jeden z nich sa nebude správať tak,
02:38
exactly as he should.
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ako by sa mal.
02:40
AV: Yes, you can see where the disconnect was happening for us.
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AV: Môžete vidieť, kde nám to nedávalo zmysel.
02:43
We really felt like what we went in expecting
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Cítili sme, že naše očakávania
02:46
had nothing to do with what we were actually experiencing,
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nemali nič spoločné s tým, čo sme v skutočnosti zažívali.
02:49
and so we decided we really wanted to give it to parents straight.
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A tak sme sa rozhodli, že to chceme povedať rodičom na rovinu.
02:52
We really wanted to let them understand
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Chceme, aby porozumeli,
02:55
what the realities of parenting were in an honest way.
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o čom je realita rodičovstva, a povedať im to úprimne.
02:58
RG: So today, what we would love to do
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RG: Dnes by sme sa chceli
03:00
is share with you four parenting taboos.
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s vami podeliť o naše štyri tabu o rodičovstve.
03:03
And of course, there are many more than four things
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Samozrejme, existuje viac ako štyri veci,
03:05
you can't say about parenting,
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je oveľa viac ako štyri.
03:07
but we would like to share with you today
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Ale chceli by sme sa s vami podeliť o tie
03:09
four that are particularly relevant for us personally.
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štyri, ktoré sú pre nás osobné.
03:12
So the first, taboo number one:
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Takže, tabu číslo jedna:
03:15
you can't say you didn't fall in love with your baby
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nemôžete povedať, že ste sa nezamilovali do vášho bábätka
03:18
in the very first minute.
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okamžite, ako ste ho zbadali.
03:20
I remember vividly, sitting there in the hospital.
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Živo si to pamätám, sedel som tam v nemocnici.
03:23
We were in the process of giving birth to our first child.
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Boli sme v procese pôrodu nášho prvého dieťaťa.
03:26
AV: We, or I?
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AV: My alebo ja?
03:28
RG: I'm sorry.
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RG: Prepáč.
03:30
Misuse of the pronoun.
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Pomýlil som si zámeno.
03:32
Alisa was very generously in the process
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Alisa bola taká láskavá a rodila
03:34
of giving birth to our first child -- (AV: Thank you.)
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naše prvé dieťa -- (AV: Ďakujem.)
03:36
-- and I was there with a catcher's mitt.
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-- a ja som tam bol, pripravený, s voľnými rukami.
03:38
And I was there with my arms open.
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Bol som tam s otvorenom náručou.
03:40
The nurse was coming at me
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Sestrička ku mne prišla
03:42
with this beautiful, beautiful child,
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s týmto nádherným, nádherným dieťaťom.
03:44
and I remember, as she was approaching me,
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A pamätám si, že ako sa ku mne približovala,
03:46
the voices of friends saying,
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zneli mi v hlave hlasy priateľov, ktoré hovorili,
03:49
"The moment they put the baby in your hands,
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"V tú chvíľu, ako ti vložia bábätko do rúk,
03:51
you will feel a sense of love that will come over you
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pocítiš, ako ťa zaplaví láska
03:54
that is [on] an order of magnitude more powerful
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silnejšia a intenzívnejšia ako
03:56
than anything you've ever experienced in your entire life."
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čokoľvek, čo si zažil predtým."
03:59
So I was bracing myself for the moment.
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A tak som sa pripravoval na tú chvíľu.
04:01
The baby was coming,
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Dieťatko prichádzalo,
04:03
and I was ready for this Mack truck of love
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a ja som bol pripravený na ten kamión lásky,
04:05
to just knock me off my feet.
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ktorý ma zrazí na kolená.
04:08
And instead, when the baby was placed in my hands,
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A namiesto toho, keď mi vložili bábätko do rúk,
04:11
it was an extraordinary moment.
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bol to výnimočný moment.
04:13
This picture is from literally a few seconds after
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Táto fotka bola urobená doslova niekoľko sekúnd po tom,
04:16
the baby was placed in my hands and I brought him over.
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ako mi dali dieťa do rúk a ja som ho priniesol.
04:19
And you can see, our eyes were glistening.
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A môžete vidieť, ako naše oči žiaria.
04:21
I was overwhelmed with love and affection for my wife,
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Bol som ohromený láskou a nehou k mojej žene,
04:24
with deep, deep gratitude
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a hlbokou, hlbokou vďačnosťou za to,
04:26
that we had what appeared to be a healthy child.
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že sme mali, ako sa zdalo, zdravé dieťa.
04:28
And it was also, of course, surreal.
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A bolo to tiež tak trochu surreálne.
04:30
I mean, I had to check the tags and make sure.
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Musel som skontrolovať visačky a uistiť sa, že som pri správnom dieťati.
04:32
I was incredulous, "Are you sure this is our child?"
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Neveril som tomu. "Ste si istí, že toto je naše dieťa?"
04:34
And this was all quite remarkable.
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A celé to bolo veľmi zvláštne.
04:37
But what I felt towards the child at that moment was deep affection,
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A voči tomu dieťaťu som cítil hlbokú náklonnosť,
04:40
but nothing like what I feel for him now, five years later.
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ale nič podobné tomu, čo k nemu cítim teraz, po piatich rokoch.
04:43
And so we've done something here
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A tak sme urobili niečo
04:45
that is heretical.
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kacírske.
04:47
We have charted
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Zobrazili sme do tabuľky
04:50
our love for our child over time.
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našu lásku k dieťaťu za čas.
04:53
(Laughter)
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(Smiech)
04:55
This, as you know, is an act of heresy.
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Toto je, ako viete, kacírstvo.
04:58
You're not allowed to chart love.
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Nemôžete dať lásku do tabuľky.
05:00
The reason you're not allowed to chart love
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A dôvodom, prečo nemôžete dať do tabuľky lásku,
05:02
is because we think of love as a binary thing.
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je, že o láske uvažujeme binárne.
05:04
You're either in love, or you're not in love.
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Buď ste zamilovaný, alebo nie ste.
05:06
You love, or you don't love.
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Milujete alebo nemilujete.
05:08
And I think the reality is that love is a process,
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Myslím, že v skutočnosti je láska proces.
05:11
and I think the problem with thinking of love
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A myslím, že to nazeranie na lásku,
05:13
as something that's binary
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ako na niečo binárne,
05:15
is that it causes us
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spôsobuje,
05:17
to be unduly concerned
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že sa strachujete, hoci nie je dôvod,
05:19
that love is fraudulent, or inadequate, or what have you.
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že vaša láska je falošná, alebo nedostatočná, alebo že vás vlastní.
05:22
And I think I'm speaking obviously here to the father's experience.
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Teraz hovorím o mojej skúsenosti otca.
05:25
But I think a lot of men do go through this sense
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Ale myslím, že týmto prechádza mnoho mužov
05:27
in the early months, maybe their first year,
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v prvých mesiacoch, možno v prvom roku,
05:30
that their emotional response is inadequate in some fashion.
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keď sa zdá, že ich pocity sú nedostatočné.
05:33
AV: Well, I'm glad Rufus is bringing this up,
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AV: Som rada, že to Rufus vytiahol túto tému,
05:35
because you can notice where he dips in the first years
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pretože si môžete všimnúť, že bol dole v prvých rokoch,
05:38
where I think I was doing most of the work.
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keď som si myslela, že ja robím väčšinu práce.
05:41
But we like to joke,
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Radi žartujeme,
05:43
in the first few months of all of our children's lives,
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že v prvých mesiacoch života našich detí
05:45
this is Uncle Rufus.
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bol strýkom Rufusom.
05:47
(Laughter)
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(Smiech)
05:49
RG: I'm a very affectionate uncle, very affectionate uncle.
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RG: Ja som milujúci strýko, veľmi milujúci strýko.
05:51
AV: Yes, and I often joke with Rufus when he comes home
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AV: A ja som často hovorievala, keď Rufus prišiel domov,
05:54
that I'm not sure he would actually be able to find our child in a line-up
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že si nie som istá, či by bol schopný nájsť naše dieťa v rade
05:57
amongst other babies.
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ďalších bábätiek.
05:59
So I actually threw a pop quiz here onto Rufus.
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Takže som si pre Rufusa pripravila kvíz.
06:01
RG: Uh oh.
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RG: Och nie.
06:03
AV: I don't want to embarrass him too much. But I am going to give him three seconds.
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AV: Nechcem ho zosmiešniť. Dám mu tri sekundy.
06:06
RG: That is not fair. This is a trick question. He's not up there, is he?
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RG: To nie je fér. Toto je zákerná otázka. Nie je tam, však?
06:09
AV: Our eight-week-old son is somewhere in here,
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AV: Náš osemtýždňový syn je tam niekde.
06:12
and I want to see if Rufus can actually quickly identify him.
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A chcem vidieť, či ho Rufus vie identifikovať.
06:14
RG: The far left. AV: No!
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RG: Celkom naľavo. (AV: Nie!)
06:16
(Laughter)
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(Smiech)
06:23
RG: Cruel.
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RV: Kruté.
06:25
AV: Nothing more to be said.
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AV: Čo viac dodať.
06:27
(Laughter)
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(Smiech)
06:29
I'll move on to taboo number two.
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Prejdem na tabu číslo dva.
06:31
You can't talk about how lonely having a baby can be.
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Nemôžete rozprávať o tom, aký môže byť život s bábätkom osamelý.
06:34
I enjoyed being pregnant. I loved it.
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Užívala som si tehotenstvo, milovala som to.
06:36
I felt incredibly connected to the community around me.
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Cítila som sa spojená s komunitou okolo mňa.
06:39
I felt like everyone was participating in my pregnancy, all around me,
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Cítila som, že všetci okolo mňa sa nejako zúčastňujú môjho tehotenstva,
06:42
tracking it down till the actual due-date.
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až po deň pôrodu.
06:46
I felt like I was a vessel of the future of humanity.
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Cítila som sa ako hnací motor budúcnosti ľudstva.
06:49
That continued into the the hospital. It was really exhilarating.
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Pokračovalo to aj v nemocnici, bolo to naozaj skvelé.
06:52
I was shower with gifts and flowers and visitors.
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Bola som zasypaná darčekmi a kvetmi a návštevami.
06:55
It was a really wonderful experience,
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Bol to naozaj úžasný zážitok.
06:58
but when I got home,
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Ale keď som prišla domov,
07:00
I suddenly felt very disconnected
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zrazu som sa cítila taká odpojená,
07:02
and suddenly shut in and shut out,
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zatvorená dovnútra a neprístupná zvonka.
07:05
and I was really surprised by those feelings.
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A bola som tými pocitmi prekvapená.
07:07
I did expect it to be difficult,
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Čakala som, že to bude ťažké,
07:09
have sleepless nights, constant feedings,
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že nebudem v noci spať, že budem dieťa stále kŕmiť,
07:11
but I did not expect the feelings
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ale nečakala som tie pocity
07:13
of isolation and loneliness that I experienced,
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izolácie a samoty, ktoré som prežívala.
07:16
and I was really surprised that no one had talked to me,
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A naozaj som bola prekvapená, že mi nikto nepovedal,
07:18
that I was going to be feeling this way.
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že sa budem cítiť takto.
07:20
And I called my sister
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Zavolala som svojej sestre,
07:22
whom I'm very close to -- and had three children --
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s ktorou sme si veľmi blízke -- ona má tri deti --
07:25
and I asked her, "Why didn't you tell me
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a spýtala som sa jej, "Prečo si mi nepovedala,
07:27
I was going to be feeling this way,
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že sa budem takto cítiť,
07:29
that I was going to have these -- feeling incredibly isolated?"
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že sa budem cítiť tak hrozne osamelá?"
07:33
And she said -- I'll never forget --
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A ona povedala -- nikdy na to nezabudnem --
07:35
"It's just not something you want to say to a mother
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"To nie to, čo by si chcela povedať matke,
07:37
that's having a baby for the first time."
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ktorá čaká svoje prvé dieťatko."
07:40
RG: And of course, we think
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RG: Samozrejme, my sme si mysleli,
07:42
it's precisely what you really should be saying
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že to je presne to, čo by ste mali hovoriť
07:45
to mothers who have kids for the first time.
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matkám, ktoré budú mať svoje prvé dieťa.
07:48
And that this, of course, one of the themes for us
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A to je jedna z tém, pri ktorých
07:51
is that we think
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si myslíme,
07:53
that candor and brutal honesty
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že otvorenosť a brutálna úprimnosť
07:55
is critical to us collectively
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sú nevyhnutné pre to, aby sme
07:57
being great parents.
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mohli byť dobrými rodičmi.
07:59
And it's hard not to think
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A nie je ťažké si domyslieť,
08:01
that part of what leads to this sense of isolation
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že k tomuto pocitu izolácie sčasti vedie
08:03
is our modern world.
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náš moderný svet.
08:05
So Alisa's experience is not isolated.
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Takže Alisina skúsenosť nie je ojedinelá.
08:07
So your 58 percent of mothers surveyed
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58 percent matiek v prieskume uviedlo,
08:09
report feelings of loneliness.
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že sa cítia osamelé.
08:11
Of those, 67 percent are most lonely
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67 percent z nich bolo najviac osamelých,
08:13
when their kids are zero to five -- probably really zero to two.
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keď ich deti mali od nula do päť rokov -- možno naozaj tých nula až dva.
08:16
In the process of preparing this,
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Keď sme toto pripravovali,
08:18
we looked at how some other cultures around the world
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pozreli sme, ako sa s týmto obdobím vyrovnávajú
08:20
deal with this period of time,
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iné kultúry po celom svete,
08:23
because here in the Western world,
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pretože tu, v západnom svete
08:25
less than 50 percent of us live near our family members,
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žije menej ako 50 percent z nás neďaleko svojej rodiny,
08:28
which I think is part of why this is such a tough period.
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čo je sčasti dôvodom, pre ktorý je toto obdobie také ťažké.
08:31
So to take one example among many:
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Takže poviem jeden príklad za všetky:
08:33
in Southern India
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v južnej Indii
08:35
there's a practice known as jholabhari,
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majú zvyk, ktorý sa volá jholabihari,
08:37
in which the pregnant woman, when she's seven or eight months pregnant,
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pri ktorom sa tehotná žena, keď je v siedmom alebo ôsmom mesiaci,
08:40
moves in with her mother
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presťahuje ku svojej matke
08:42
and goes through a series of rituals and ceremonies,
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a prechádza niekoľkými rituálmi a ceremóniami,
08:44
give birth and returns home to her nuclear family
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porodí a vráti sa domov ku svojej rodine
08:47
several months after the child is born.
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až po niekoľkých mesiacoch.
08:49
And this is one of many ways
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A toto je jeden z mnohých spôsobov,
08:51
that we think other cultures offset this kind of lonely period.
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akým sa iné kultúry vyrovnávajú s týmto osamelým obdobím.
08:54
AV: So taboo number three:
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AV: Takže tabu číslo tri:
08:56
you can't talk about your miscarriage -- but today I'll talk about mine.
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nemôžete hovoriť o svojom potrate -- ale ja vám poviem o svojom.
08:59
So after we had Declan,
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Po tom, čo sme mali Declana,
09:01
we kind of recalibrated our expectations.
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sme prehodnotili svoje očakávania.
09:03
We thought we actually could go through this again
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Rozhodli sme sa, že tým chceme prejsť znovu,
09:06
and thought we knew what we would be up against.
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a mysleli sme si, že vieme, do čoho ideme.
09:09
And we were grateful that I was able to get pregnant,
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A boli sme vďační, že som otehotnela.
09:12
and I soon learned that we were having a boy,
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Čoskoro som sa dozvedela, že budeme mať chlapca.
09:14
and then when I was five months,
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A keď som bola v piatom mesiaci,
09:16
we learned that we had lost our child.
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stratili sme naše dieťa.
09:18
This is actually the last little image we have of him.
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Toto je jeho posledný malý obrázok, ktorý máme.
09:22
And it was obviously a very difficult time --
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A bolo to samozrejme veľmi ťažké obdobie --
09:24
really painful.
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naozaj bolestivé.
09:27
As I was working through that mourning process,
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Prechádzala som tým procesom smútenia
09:30
I was amazed that I didn't want to see anybody.
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a bola som prekvapená, že som nikoho nechcela vidieť.
09:33
I really wanted to crawl into a hole,
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Chcela som sa len schúliť niekde do diery a ostať tam.
09:36
and I didn't really know how I was going
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A naozaj som nevedela, ako sa budem môcť
09:38
to work my way back into my surrounding community.
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vrátiť naspäť do života.
09:41
And I realize, I think, the way I was feeling that way,
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Uvedomila som si, ako sa cítim,
09:44
is on a really deep gut level,
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že niekde hlboko vnútri
09:46
I was feeling a lot of shame
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som cítila veľa hanby --
09:49
and embarrassed, frankly,
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bola som v rozpakoch --
09:51
that, in some respects, I had failed
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že som, z určitého pohľadu, zlyhala v tom,
09:53
at delivering what I'm genetically engineered to do.
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na čo som geneticky určená.
09:56
And of course, it made me question,
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A samozrejme, pýtala som sa,
09:58
if I wasn't able to have another child,
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či budem môcť mať ďalšie dieťa,
10:00
what would that mean for my marriage,
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čo by to znamenalo pre moje manželstvo,
10:02
and just me as a woman.
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a pre mňa ako ženu.
10:04
So it was a very difficult time.
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Bolo to veľmi ťažké obdobie.
10:06
As I started working through it more,
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A ako som to postupne spracovávala,
10:08
I started climbing out of that hole and talking with other people.
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začala som vychádzať z tej diery a rozprávať sa s ľuďmi.
10:11
I was really amazed
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A bola som naozaj prekvapená,
10:13
by all the stories that started flooding in.
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ako sa začali vynárať príbehy.
10:15
People I interacted with daily,
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Ľudia, s ktorými som sa stretávala denne,
10:17
worked with, was friends with,
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s ktorými som pracovala, ktorí sú mojimi priateľmi,
10:19
family members that I had known a long time,
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členovia mojej rodiny, ktorých som poznala veľmi dlho,
10:21
had never shared with me their own stories.
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sa nikdy so mnou nepodelili o svoje príbehy.
10:23
And I just remember feeling all these stories came out of the woodwork,
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Pamätám si, že sa mi zdalo, že všetky tie príbehy sa objavili z ničoho nič.
10:26
and I felt like I happened upon
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A cítila som sa, akoby som objavila
10:28
this secret society of women that I now was a part of,
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tento tajný ženský spolok, ktorého som bola teraz súčasťou,
10:31
which was reassuring and also really concerning.
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čo bolo zároveň upokojujúce aj znepokojujúce.
10:35
And I think,
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Myslím si, že
10:37
miscarriage is an invisible loss.
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potrat je neviditeľná strata.
10:39
There's not really a lot of community support around it.
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Nie je okolo neho veľa podpory zo strany ľudí okolo vás.
10:41
There's really no ceremony,
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Neexistuje ceremónia,
10:43
rituals, or rites.
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žiadne rituály alebo obrady.
10:45
And I think, with a death, you have a funeral, you celebrate the life,
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Pri smrti máte pohreb, oslavujete život,
10:48
and there's a lot of community support,
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a všetci naokolo nás podporujú.
10:50
and it's something women don't have with miscarriage.
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A to ženy po potrate nemajú.
10:52
RG: Which is too bad because, of course,
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RG: Čo je zlé, samozrejme,
10:54
it's a very common and very traumatic experience.
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keďže je to bežný a veľmi traumatizujúci zážitok.
10:56
Fifteen to 20 percent of all pregnancies result in miscarriage,
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15 až 20 percent všetkých tehotenstiev končí potratom.
10:59
and I find this astounding.
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A toto sa mi zdá neuveriteľné.
11:01
In a survey, 74 percent of women said
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V prieskume 74 percent žien povedalo,
11:03
that miscarriage, they felt, was partly their fault, which is awful.
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že cítili, že potrat bol sčasti ich vina, čo je hrozné.
11:06
And astoundingly, 22 percent
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A prekvapujúco, 22 percent
11:08
said they would hide a miscarriage from their spouse.
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povedalo, že by zatajili potrat pred manželom.
11:10
So taboo number four:
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Tabu číslo štyri:
11:12
you can't say that your average happiness
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nemôžete povedať, že váš priemerný pocit šťastia
11:15
has declined since having a child.
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poklesol, odkedy máte dieťa.
11:18
The party line is that every single aspect of my life
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Každý jeden aspekt vášho života sa musel
11:21
has just gotten dramatically better
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dramaticky zlepšiť
11:23
ever since I participated
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odkedy ste súčasťou
11:25
in the miracle that is childbirth and family.
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toho zázraku, ktorým je narodenie dieťaťa a rodina.
11:29
I'll never forget, I remember vividly to this day,
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Nikdy nezabudnem, dodnes si živo pamätám,
11:32
our first son, Declan, was nine months old,
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že keď mal náš prvý syn, Declan, deväť mesiacov,
11:35
and I was sitting there on the couch,
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a ja som sedel na pohovke
11:37
and I was reading Daniel Gilbert's wonderful book, "Stumbling on Happiness."
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a čítal som skvelú knihu od Daniela Gilberta "Stumbling on Happiness" (Zakopnúť o šťastie, pozn.prekl.).
11:40
And I got about two-thirds of the way through,
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Mal som prečítané asi dve tretiny tej knihy
11:42
and there was a chart on the right-hand side --
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a narazil som na tabuľku na pravej strane --
11:45
on the right-hand page --
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na pravej strane --
11:47
that we've labeled here
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ktorú sme tu označili ako
11:49
"The Most Terrifying Chart Imaginable
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"Najstrašidelnejšia tabuľka
11:51
for a New Parent."
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pre čerstvého rodiča, akú si viete predstaviť."
11:53
This chart is comprised of four completely independent studies.
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Táto tabuľka zobrazuje výsledky štyroch nezávislých štúdií.
11:56
Basically, there's this precipitous drop
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Skrátka, spokojnosť v manželstve
11:59
of marital satisfaction,
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náhle poklesne
12:01
which is closely aligned, we all know, with broader happiness,
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tá spokojnosť je, ako vieme, úzko spätá so všeobecným pocitom šťastia,
12:04
that doesn't rise again
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a nezačne stúpať,
12:06
until your first child goes to college.
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kým vaše prvé dieťa neodíde na vysokú.
12:09
So I'm sitting here looking at the next two decades of my life,
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A tak som tam sedel a pozeral sa na nasledujúce dve desaťročia môjho života,
12:12
this chasm of happiness
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na tento priepastný pokles šťastia,
12:14
that we're driving our proverbial convertible straight into.
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do ktorého sme sa rútili.
12:17
We were despondent.
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Zarmútilo nás to.
12:20
AV: So you can imagine, I mean again, the first few months were difficult,
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AV: Viete si to predstaviť, tých prvých pár mesiacov bolo ťažkých,
12:22
but we'd come out of it,
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ale už sme sa z toho dostávali,
12:24
and were really shocked to see this study.
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a tento prieskum nás šokoval.
12:26
So we really wanted to take a deeper look at it
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Chceli sme sa na to pozrieť bližšie
12:29
in hopes that we would find a silver lining.
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a dúfali sme, že nájdeme aspoň kvapku nádeje.
12:31
RG: And that's when it's great to be running a website for parents,
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RG: A práve v takýchto chvíľach sa oplatí mať web stránku pre rodičov,
12:33
because we got this incredible reporter
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pretože sme poslali jednu skvelú reportérku,
12:36
to go and interview all the scientists
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aby sa porozprávala so všetkými vedcami,
12:39
who conducted these four studies.
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ktorí sa zúčastnili týchto štyroch prieskumov.
12:41
We said, something is wrong here.
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Hovorili sme si, že niečo tu nie je v poriadku.
12:43
There's something missing from these studies.
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Niečo tam chýba.
12:45
It can't possibly be that bad.
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Nemôže to byť predsa také zlé.
12:49
So Liz Mitchell did a wonderful job with this piece,
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Liz Mitchell s tým urobila naozaj úžasný kus práce.
12:52
and she interviewed four scientists,
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Porozprávala sa so štyrmi vedcami
12:55
and she also interviewed Daniel Gilbert,
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a tiež s Danielom Gilbertom.
12:57
and we did indeed find a silver lining.
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A naozaj sme našli kvapku nádeje.
12:59
So this is our guess
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Takto podľa nášho odhadu
13:01
as to what this baseline of average happiness
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vyzerá základná línia priemerného šťastia
13:04
arguably looks like throughout life.
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počas života.
13:06
Average happiness is, of course, inadequate,
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Priemerné šťastie je, samozrejme, nepresný pojem,
13:08
because it doesn't speak
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pretože nič nehovorí
13:10
to the moment-by-moment experience,
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o chvíľkových pocitoch v každom momente.
13:12
and so this is what we think it looks like
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A takto to podľa nás vyzerá,
13:15
when you layer in
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keď zobrazíte aj
13:17
moment-to-moment experience.
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všetky tie chvíľkové pocity.
13:20
And so we all remember as children,
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Všetci si pamätáme, že ako deti nás
13:22
the tiniest little thing -- and we see it on the faces of our children --
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každá maličkosť -- a to vidíme aj na našich deťoch --
13:25
the teeniest little thing
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úplná maličkosť
13:27
can just rocket them to these heights
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ich dokáže vystreliť až do nebies
13:29
of just utter adulation,
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úplnej radosti,
13:31
and then the next teeniest little thing
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a ďalšia maličkosť
13:33
can cause them just to plummet to the depths of despair.
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ich stiahne do hlbokého zúfalstva.
13:35
And it's just extraordinary to watch, and we remember it ourselves.
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A je to neobyčajné sledovať to a spomínať, akí sme boli my.
13:38
And then, of course, as you get older,
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A potom, ako vyrastiete,
13:40
it's almost like age is a form of lithium.
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je to akoby bol vek skupenstvom lítia.
13:42
As you get older, you become more stable.
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Čím ste starší, tým ste stabilnejší.
13:45
And part of what happens, I think, in your '20s and '30s,
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A čo sa nám stane, keď máme vyše 20, 30 rokov, je, že
13:48
is you start to learn to hedge your happiness.
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sa naučíme chrániť si svoje šťastie.
13:50
You start to realize that
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Uvedomíte si, že
13:52
"Hey, I could go to this live music event
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"Hej, mohol by som ísť na tento hudobný koncert
13:55
and have an utterly transforming experience
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a zažiť niečo úplne neskutočné,
13:57
that will cover my entire body with goosebumps,
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z čoho budem mať husiu kožu,
14:00
but it's more likely that I'll feel claustrophobic
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ale možno sa tam budem cítiť klaustrofobicky
14:02
and I won't be able to get a beer.
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a nedostanem sa k žiadnemu pivu.
14:05
So I'm not going to go.
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Nikam nejdem.
14:07
I've got a good stereo at home. So, I'm not going to go."
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Pustím si niečo doma. Nikam nejdem."
14:10
So your average happiness goes up,
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Takže váš priemerný pocit šťastia ide nahor,
14:13
but you lose those transcendent moments.
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ale stratíte tie momenty úplného šťastia.
14:15
AV: Yeah, and then you have your first child,
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AV: Áno, a potom máte prvé dieťa.
14:18
and then you really resubmit yourself
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A znovu sa prispôsobíte
14:20
to these highs and lows --
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týmto vzletom a pádom --
14:22
the highs being the first steps, the first smile,
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vzletmi sú prvé krôčky, prvý úsmev,
14:25
your child reading to you for the first time --
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keď vám dieťa prvýkrát číta --
14:27
the lows being, our house, any time from six to seven every night.
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a pádom je byť v našom dome kedykoľvek od šiestej do siedmej každý večer.
14:32
But you realize you resubmit yourself
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Ale uvedomíte si, že sa podvolíte
14:34
to losing control in a really wonderful way,
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tejto strate kontroly naozaj úžasným spôsobom,
14:37
which we think provides a lot of meaning to our lives
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ktorý dáva význam našim životom
14:39
and is quite gratifying.
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a veľa radosti.
14:41
RG: And so in effect,
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RG: A takto
14:43
we trade average happiness.
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sme predali priemerný pocit šťastia.
14:45
We trade the sort of security and safety
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Vymenili sme istotu a bezpečie,
14:47
of a certain level of contentment
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že budeme v určitom pohodlí,
14:49
for these transcendent moments.
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za tie momenty absolútneho šťastia.
14:52
So where does that leave the two of us
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Čo to znamená pre nás dvoch
14:54
as a family with our three little boys
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s našou rodinkou
14:56
in the thick of all this?
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troch malých chlapcov?
14:58
There's another factor in our case.
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V našom prípade je tu ešte ďalší faktor.
15:00
We have violated yet another taboo
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V našich životoch sme porušili
15:02
in our own lives,
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ešte ďalšie tabu.
15:04
and this is a bonus taboo.
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A to je bonusové tabu.
15:07
AV: A quick bonus taboo for you, that we should not be working together,
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AV: Krátky bonus pre vás, a to, že by sme nemali pracovať spolu,
15:10
especially with three children --
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hlavne keď máme tri deti --
15:12
and we are.
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a pracujeme.
15:14
RG: And we had reservations about this on the front end.
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RG: Zo všetkých strán sme počúvali pripomienky.
15:17
Everybody knows, you should absolutely not work with your spouse.
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Každý vie, že by ste v žiadnom prípade nemali pracovať so svojím partnerom.
15:20
In fact, when we first went out to raise money to start Babble,
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Keď sme sa prvýkrát snažili získať peniaze, aby sme naštartovali Babble,
15:23
the venture capitalists said,
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investori nám povedali,
15:25
"We categorically don't invest
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"Zásadne neinvestujeme
15:27
in companies founded by husbands and wives,
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do spoločností, ktoré založili manželia,
15:29
because there's an extra point of failure.
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pretože to pridáva zlomový bod navyše.
15:31
It's a bad idea. Don't do it."
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Je to zlý nápad. Nerobte to."
15:33
And we obviously went forward. We did.
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My sme to zjavne urobili.
15:35
We raised the money, and we're thrilled that we did,
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Našli sme peniaze, a boli sme naozaj radi, že sme ich našli,
15:38
because in this phase of one's life,
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pretože v tejto fáze života
15:40
the incredibly scarce resource is time.
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je čas neuveriteľne vzácny.
15:43
And if you're really passionate about what you do every day -- which we are --
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Ak ak naozaj milujete to, čo robíte každý deň -- čo my áno --
15:46
and you're also passionate about your relationship,
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a naozaj sa staráte o svoj vzťah,
15:48
this is the only way we know how to do it.
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tak je len jeden spôsob, ako to robiť.
15:51
And so the final question that we would ask is:
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Takže otázka na záver:
15:53
can we collectively bend that happiness chart upwards?
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môžeme spoločne posunúť tú krivku šťastia nahor?
15:56
It's great that we have these transcendent moments of joy,
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Je skvelé, že máte tie momenty dokonalej radosti,
15:59
but they're sometimes pretty quick.
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ale niekedy sú naozaj rýchle.
16:02
And so how about that average baseline of happiness?
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Takže čo s tou priemernou čiarou šťastia?
16:05
Can we move that up a little bit?
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Môžeme ju trošku posunúť?
16:07
AV: And we kind of feel that the happiness gap, which we talked about,
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AV: Cítili sme, že šťastie, o ktorom sme rozprávali,
16:10
is really the result of walking into parenting --
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je výsledok toho, že vstupujete do rodičovstva ..
16:12
and really any long-term partnership for that matter --
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a v podstate do akéhokoľvek dlhodobého vzťahu, na ktorom vám záleží --
16:14
with the wrong expectations.
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s nesprávnymi očakávaniami.
16:16
And if you have the right expectations and expectation management,
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A ak máte správne očakávania a viete si ich prispôsobiť,
16:19
we feel like it's going to be a pretty gratifying experience.
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tak to bude naozaj úžasný zážitok.
16:22
RG: And so this is what --
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RG: A toto je --
16:24
And we think that a lot of parents,
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Myslíme si, že mnoho rodičov,
16:26
when you get in there -- in our case anyway --
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keď do toho idú -- tak ako v našom prípade -- a vyzerá to takto.
16:28
you pack your bags for a trip to Europe, and you're really excited to go.
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Zbalíte sa na výlet do Európy, a naozaj sa naň tešíte.
16:31
Get out of the airplane,
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Vyjdete z lietadla
16:33
it turns out you're trekking in Nepal.
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a vyjde najavo, že budete chodiť po horách v Nepále.
16:35
And trekking in Nepal is an extraordinary experience,
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A turistika v Nepále je výnimočný zážitok,
16:38
particularly if you pack your bags properly
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hlavne ak ste dobre pobalení
16:40
and you know what you're getting in for and you're psyched.
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a viete, na čo tam ste, a ste na to pripravený.
16:42
So the point of all this for us today
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O čo nám tu dnes išlo
16:44
is not just hopefully honesty for the sake of honesty,
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nie je len rozprávať o úprimnosti kvôli tomu, že úprimnosť je dobrá,
16:47
but a hope that by being more honest and candid about these experiences,
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ale o nádeji, že ak budeme úprimnejšie a poctivejšie hovoriť o týchto skúsenostiach,
16:50
that we can all collectively
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tak môžeme spoločne
16:52
bend that happiness baseline up a little bit.
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ohnúť tú krivku šťastia smerom nahor.
16:55
RG + AV: Thank you.
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RG + AV: Ďakujeme.
16:57
(Applause)
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(Potlesk)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman - Website co-foundersRufus Griscom and Alisa Volkman co-founded Babble, a website for parents. He’s the CEO, she’s the VP of sales strategy and brand development, and they have three sons.
Why you should listen
Alisa Volkman co-founded Babble with her husband, Rufus Griscom, in December 2006, and has spent the past four years growing the site to attract more than 4 million parents a month. As VP of Sales Strategy and Brand Development, Volkman oversees design, influences product development, and creates and sells custom ad programs.
Griscom serves as Babble’s CEO. He was co-founder of the pathbreaking Nerve.com in 1997, as the website’s founding editor and CEO. In the decade that followed, Griscom grew Nerve Media into a profitable website and online dating business, in the process spinning off Spring Street Networks. He serves as an advisor to several New York-based internet companies. Volkman and Griscom have three sons, Declan, Grey and the brand-new Rye.
Rufus Griscom + Alisa Volkman | Speaker | TED.com