TED2019
Priya Parker: 3 steps to turn everyday get-togethers into transformative gatherings
普利亚·帕克: 将每日聚会变革创新的三个步骤
Filmed:
Readability: 4.2
2,078,372 views
为什么有些聚会成功了，而有些没有？ 作者普利亚·帕克分享了三个简单的步骤，将你的派对，晚餐，会面和假期变成有意义的，变革性的聚会。
Priya Parker - Conflict mediator, author
Priya Parker teaches people to gather better at home, at work, at school and in our communities. Full bio
Priya Parker teaches people to gather better at home, at work, at school and in our communities. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:13
When I was a child,
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当我还是个孩子的时候，
每个周五
00:14
every other Friday,
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我都会离开我妈妈和继父的家——
00:15
I would leave my mother
and stepfather's home --
and stepfather's home --
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一个英国和印度结合的，
不信神明的，信仰佛教的
不信神明的，信仰佛教的
00:18
an Indian and British, atheist, Buddhist,
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不可知论的，素食主义的，
有时还有些前卫的
有时还有些前卫的
00:23
agnostic, vegetarian, new age-y sometimes,
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民主制度的家庭。
00:29
Democratic household.
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00:31
And I would go 1.4 miles
to my father and stepmother's home
to my father and stepmother's home
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然后我会走1.4英里，
去我爸爸和继母的家，
去我爸爸和继母的家，
进入一个白色的，福音派基督教的，
00:35
and enter a white, Evangelical Christian,
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保守的，共和党的，
00:39
conservative, Republican,
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每周去两次教堂
00:42
twice-a-week-churchgoing,
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并且吃肉的家庭。
00:44
meat-eating family.
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00:47
It doesn't take a shrink
to explain how I ended up
to explain how I ended up
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不需要心理学家来解释
我是如何进入冲突解决领域的。
00:50
in the field of conflict resolution.
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（笑声）
00:52
(Laughter)
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00:54
Whether I was facilitating dialogues
in Charlottesville or Istanbul
in Charlottesville or Istanbul
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无论我是在促进
夏洛茨维尔或伊斯坦布尔
夏洛茨维尔或伊斯坦布尔
亦或是阿默达巴德的对话，
00:57
or Ahmedabad,
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面对的挑战永远是一样的：
00:59
the challenge was always the same:
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01:02
despite all odds,
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尽管有
各种各样的困难，
01:03
and with integrity,
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怎样让人们有意义的联系起来，
01:05
how do you get people
to connect meaningfully,
to connect meaningfully,
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去冒险，
01:08
to take risks,
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通过他们的经历做出改变呢？
01:09
to be changed by their experience?
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01:13
And I would witness extraordinarily
beautiful electricity in those rooms.
beautiful electricity in those rooms.
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我会在这些房间里
看到异常美丽的火花，
看到异常美丽的火花，
01:19
And then I would leave those rooms
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然后我会离开这些房间，
像你们一样
去参加我每天的聚会，
去参加我每天的聚会，
01:21
and attend my everyday
gatherings like all of you --
gatherings like all of you --
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婚礼，会议或者是返校野餐，
01:24
a wedding or a conference
or a back-to-school picnic --
or a back-to-school picnic --
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而且大多数会归于平淡。
01:27
and many would fall flat.
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01:30
There was a meaning gap
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这些高度矛盾的群体
和我的日常聚会之间，
01:32
between these high-intensity
conflict groups
conflict groups
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有一个明显的差距。
01:34
and my everyday gatherings.
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01:37
Now, you could say, sure,
somebody's birthday party
somebody's birthday party
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你可能会说，
在某人的生日会上
在某人的生日会上
肯定不会出现关于矛盾的对话，
01:39
isn't going to live up to a race dialogue,
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但那不是我要回应的。
01:42
but that's not what I was responding to.
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01:45
As a facilitator,
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作为一个促进者，
你被教导抛开所有的事情，
01:47
you're taught to strip everything away
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专注于人与人之间的相互影响，
01:49
and focus on the interaction
between people,
between people,
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然而每天，主持者
都关注怎么把事情做好
都关注怎么把事情做好
01:52
whereas everyday hosts
focus on getting the things right --
focus on getting the things right --
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——食物，鲜花，餐刀——
01:56
the food, the flowers, the fish knives --
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并且把人与人之间的交流
很大程度上留给机遇。
很大程度上留给机遇。
01:59
and leave the interaction
between people largely to chance.
between people largely to chance.
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02:03
So I began to wonder how we might change
our everyday gatherings
our everyday gatherings
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所以我开始思考
怎样才能改变我们日常的聚会，
怎样才能改变我们日常的聚会，
专注于通过人与人的联系来创造意义，
02:07
to focus on making meaning
by human connection,
by human connection,
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而不是沉迷于开胃菜。
02:12
not obsessing with the canapés.
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02:15
And I set out and interviewed
dozens of brave and unusual hosts --
dozens of brave and unusual hosts --
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我开始去采访一些
勇敢的，与众不同的人——
勇敢的，与众不同的人——
一位奥林匹克曲棍球教练，
一位太阳马戏团的编舞者，
一位太阳马戏团的编舞者，
02:19
an Olympic hockey coach,
a Cirque du Soleil choreographer,
a Cirque du Soleil choreographer,
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一位犹太教士，
一位营地顾问——
一位营地顾问——
02:22
a rabbi, a camp counselor--
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去更好地了解
是什么创造了有意义的
是什么创造了有意义的
02:24
to better understand
what creates meaningful
what creates meaningful
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甚至是改革性的聚会。
02:27
and even transformative gatherings.
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02:29
And I want to share with you
some of what I learned today
some of what I learned today
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我想与你们分享一些
我今天学到的
我今天学到的
关于聚会的新规则。
02:32
about the new rules of gathering.
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02:35
So when most people plan a gathering,
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当大多数人计划聚会的时候，
他们从现成的方式开始。
02:37
they start with an off-the-rack format.
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生日聚会？
蛋糕和蜡烛。
蛋糕和蜡烛。
02:39
Birthday party? Cake and candles.
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02:43
Board meeting?
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董事会议？
一个棕色的桌子和十二个白人。
02:44
One brown table, 12 white men.
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（笑声）
02:46
(Laughter)
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02:51
Assuming the purpose is obvious,
we skip too quickly to form.
we skip too quickly to form.
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假设目的是显而易见的，
我们都急匆匆的直奔目的。
我们都急匆匆的直奔目的。
这不仅带来了沉闷的，
千篇一律的聚会，
千篇一律的聚会，
02:55
This not only leads to dull
and repetitive gatherings,
and repetitive gatherings,
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还错过了更深层次的
02:58
it misses a deeper opportunity
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满足我们需求的机会。
03:00
to actually address our needs.
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03:03
The first step of creating
more meaningful everyday gatherings
more meaningful everyday gatherings
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创造有意义的日常聚会的第一步
03:08
is to embrace a specific
disputable purpose.
disputable purpose.
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是包含一个特定的有争议的目标。
03:13
An expectant mother I know
was dreading her baby shower.
was dreading her baby shower.
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我认识的一位准妈妈
为产前派对感到担忧。
为产前派对感到担忧。
03:17
The idea of "pin the diaper
on the baby" games
on the baby" games
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“将尿布别在宝宝身上”的游戏
和打开礼物的想法
有些奇怪并且不扣主体。
有些奇怪并且不扣主体。
03:20
and opening gifts felt odd and irrelevant.
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03:23
So she paused to ask:
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所以她停下来问：
产前派对的目的是什么？
03:25
What is the purpose of a baby shower?
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我在这个时候的需求是什么？
03:27
What is my need at this moment?
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03:31
And she realized it was
to address her fears
to address her fears
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她意识到，这是为了消除
她和她丈夫向父母转变的——
记得这个家伙吗？——
记得这个家伙吗？——
03:33
of her and her husband's --
remember that guy? --
remember that guy? --
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那种担心。
03:36
transition to parenthood.
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03:38
And so she asked two friends
to invent a gathering based on that.
to invent a gathering based on that.
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于是她请她的两个好友
在这个基础上组织一个聚会。
在这个基础上组织一个聚会。
03:42
And so on a sunny afternoon,
six women gathered.
six women gathered.
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在一个阳光明朗的下午，
六个女人聚在一起。
六个女人聚在一起。
首先谈了谈她对分娩的恐惧——
她很害怕——
她很害怕——
03:46
And first, to address her fear of labor --
she was terrified --
she was terrified --
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她们给她讲了一些她生活中的故事
03:50
they told her stories from her life
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来提醒她她已经具备的一些特点——
03:53
to remind her of the characteristics
she already carries --
she already carries --
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勇敢，能干，信仰，顺服——
03:56
bravery, wonder, faith, surrender --
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04:01
that they believed would carry her
and help her in labor as well.
and help her in labor as well.
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她们相信这些会带给她帮助，
也会在分娩时帮助她。
也会在分娩时帮助她。
她们每说一个品质，
就将一颗珠子串在项链上，
就将一颗珠子串在项链上，
04:04
And as they spoke, they tied a bead
for each quality into a necklace
for each quality into a necklace
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这样她可以在产房里
将项链戴在脖子上。
将项链戴在脖子上。
04:09
that she could wear around her neck
in the delivery room.
in the delivery room.
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04:13
Next, her husband came in,
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接着，她的丈夫进来，
他们写下新的誓约，
家庭誓约，并大声地读出来，
家庭誓约，并大声地读出来，
04:15
and they wrote new vows,
family vows, and spoke them aloud,
family vows, and spoke them aloud,
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首先承诺当他们的身份
转变为父母时，
转变为父母时，
04:19
first committing to keep
their marriage central
their marriage central
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要保持自己的婚姻的核心位置，
04:21
as they transitioned to parenthood,
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但同时，他们还向未来的儿子期许，
04:23
but also future vows to their future son
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里面包含了他们希望儿子
从两个家族继承的东西
从两个家族继承的东西
04:26
of what they wanted to carry with them
from each of their family lines
from each of their family lines
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和到这一代为止
不会再继续传下去的部分。
不会再继续传下去的部分。
04:29
and what would stop with this generation.
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04:32
Then more friends came along,
including men, for a dinner party.
including men, for a dinner party.
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接着，更多的朋友来
参加晚宴，包括男士。
参加晚宴，包括男士。
取代礼物的是他们每个人都带来了
他们儿时最好的记忆
他们儿时最好的记忆
04:36
And in lieu of gifts, they each brought
a favorite memory from their childhood
a favorite memory from their childhood
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与大家分享。
04:40
to share with the table.
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现在你可能会觉得
这对于产前派对有点小题大做了，
这对于产前派对有点小题大做了，
04:41
Now, you might be thinking
this is a lot for a baby shower,
this is a lot for a baby shower,
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或者有点奇怪，
或者是过于亲密了。
或者是过于亲密了。
04:45
or it's a little weird
or it's a little intimate.
or it's a little intimate.
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很好。
04:48
Good.
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这很具体。
04:49
It's specific.
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这是有争议的。
04:50
It's disputable.
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这是为他们详细制定的，
04:52
It's specific to them,
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就像是你自己的聚会
应该针对你自己的情况。
应该针对你自己的情况。
04:54
just as your gathering
should be specific to you.
should be specific to you.
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04:58
The next step of creating
more meaningful everyday gatherings
more meaningful everyday gatherings
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创造更加有意义的
日常聚会的下一个步骤，
日常聚会的下一个步骤，
是引起良好的争端。
05:02
is to cause good controversy.
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05:05
You may have learned, as I did,
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你可能跟我一样学到了，
不要在餐桌上谈论性，
政治或者宗教。
政治或者宗教。
05:07
never to talk about sex, politics
or religion at the dinner table.
or religion at the dinner table.
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05:11
It's a good rule in that
it preserves harmony,
it preserves harmony,
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这是一个好的规则，
它保持了和谐，
它保持了和谐，
或者这就是它的意图。
05:14
or that's its intention.
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但是这剥夺了意义的
核心要素，即热度，
核心要素，即热度，
05:15
But it strips away a core ingredient
of meaning, which is heat,
of meaning, which is heat,
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强烈的相关性。
05:20
burning relevance.
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05:22
The best gatherings learn
to cultivate good controversy
to cultivate good controversy
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最好的聚会应该通过创造条件
来学习培养良好的争端，
05:26
by creating the conditions for it,
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不健康的和平和不健康的冲突
05:29
because human connection
is as threatened by unhealthy peace
is as threatened by unhealthy peace
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同样威胁着人类的联系。
05:33
as by unhealthy conflict.
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05:37
I was once working
with an architecture firm,
with an architecture firm,
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我处理过一所建筑公司的案子，
他们面临着艰难的抉择。
05:39
and they were at a crossroads.
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他们必须弄清楚
到底应该继续作为建筑公司
到底应该继续作为建筑公司
05:41
They had to figure out whether they wanted
to continue to be an architecture firm
to continue to be an architecture firm
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致力于打造建筑，
05:45
and focus on the construction of buildings
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还是应该转型成为一家新型设计公司，
05:47
or pivot and become
the hot new thing, a design firm,
the hot new thing, a design firm,
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也专注于空间建造之外的领域。
05:49
focusing on beyond
the construction of spaces.
the construction of spaces.
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大家的意见存在分歧，
05:52
And there was real
disagreement in the room,
disagreement in the room,
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但是你并不知道，
因为没有人开诚布公地说出来。
因为没有人开诚布公地说出来。
05:54
but you wouldn't know, because no one
was actually speaking up publicly.
was actually speaking up publicly.
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于是我们主持了一场积极的辩论。
05:58
And so we hosted good controversy.
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在午休结束后，
所有的建筑师们回到办公室，
所有的建筑师们回到办公室，
06:00
After a lunch break,
all the architects came back,
all the architects came back,
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于是我们举办了一场铁笼赛。
06:03
and we hosted a cage match.
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06:07
They walked in,
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他们走进去，
我们将一个建筑师
带到一个角落代表建筑，
带到一个角落代表建筑，
06:08
we took one architect, put him
in one corner to represent architecture,
in one corner to represent architecture,
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另外一个代表设计。
06:12
the other one to represent design.
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我们将白色毛巾挂在他们的脖子上，
06:14
We threw white towels around their necks,
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从浴室偷来的
——抱歉——
——抱歉——
06:16
stolen from the bathroom -- sorry --
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在ipad上播放“洛奇”配乐，
06:18
played Rocky music on an iPad,
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给每个人一个像唐·金那样的经理，
06:20
got each a Don King-like manager
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为他们加油鼓劲儿，
并为他们准备辩论，
并为他们准备辩论，
06:22
to rev them up and prepare them
with counterarguments,
with counterarguments,
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接着让他们为各自未来的愿景
06:25
and then basically made them each argue
the best possible argument
the best possible argument
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提出最好的，可能的观点。
06:29
of each future vision.
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06:31
The norm of politeness
was blocking their progress.
was blocking their progress.
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常规的礼貌阻碍了他们的进程。
接着我们让其他人在同事面前
06:34
And we then had everybody else
physically choose a side
physically choose a side
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选择自己的立场。
06:38
in front of their colleagues.
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因为他们能够真正地展示他们的立场，
06:40
And because they were able
to actually show where they stood,
to actually show where they stood,
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他们打破了僵局。
06:43
they broke an impasse.
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06:45
Architecture won.
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建筑（一方）赢了。
06:47
So that's work.
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所以这是有效的。
一场假设的，紧张的感恩节晚餐怎么样？
06:48
What about a hypothetical
tense Thanksgiving dinner?
tense Thanksgiving dinner?
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有人要参加吗？
06:54
Anyone?
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（笑声）
06:55
(Laughter)
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06:58
So first, ask the purpose.
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首先，询问目的。
这个家庭在这一年需要什么？
07:00
What does this family need this year?
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07:04
If cultivating good heat is part of it,
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如果培养良好的热度是其中一个部分，
那么试着用一个晚上的时间
禁止发表言论，只要求听故事。
禁止发表言论，只要求听故事。
07:07
then try for a night banning opinions
and asking for stories instead.
and asking for stories instead.
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07:13
Choose a theme
related to the underlying conflict.
related to the underlying conflict.
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选择一个与潜在矛盾相关的主题。
07:16
But instead of opinions,
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但是不同于（表达）观点，
让每一个人分享在场人没有听过的
07:18
ask everybody to share a story
from their life and experience
from their life and experience
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来自他们的生活和经历的故事，
07:21
that nobody around the table
has ever heard,
has ever heard,
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关于差异或者归属，
07:23
to difference or to belonging
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或者某一次我改变主意（的故事），
07:26
or to a time I changed my mind,
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07:29
giving people a way in to each other
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在不吵翻天的情况下，
让人们相互接近。
07:31
without burning the house down.
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07:35
And finally, to create more meaningful
everyday gatherings,
everyday gatherings,
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最后，为了创造一个
有意义的每日聚会，
有意义的每日聚会，
07:39
create a temporary alternative world
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通过使用弹出式规则
创造一个临时的可代替的世界。
07:42
through the use of pop-up rules.
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07:47
A few years ago, I started noticing
invitations coming with a set of rules.
invitations coming with a set of rules.
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几年前，我开始注意到
邀请方会带着一系列的规则。
邀请方会带着一系列的规则。
07:51
Kind of boring or controlling, right?
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有点无聊或者受到约束，对吧？
07:55
Wrong.
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错了。
在这个多元化的，交互的社会里，
07:56
In this multicultural,
intersectional society,
intersectional society,
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我们中的大部分人是由
与我们遵循着不同规矩的
与我们遵循着不同规矩的
07:59
where more of us are gathered and raised
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人们召集和抚养，
08:01
by people and with etiquette
unlike our own,
unlike our own,
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我们不共享这些规矩，
08:03
where we don't share the etiquette,
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潜规则会造成麻烦，
08:06
unspoken norms are trouble,
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08:09
whereas pop-up rules allow us
to connect meaningfully.
to connect meaningfully.
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而弹出式规则能将我们
有意义地联系在一起。
有意义地联系在一起。
它们是针对特定目的的一次性的体制。
08:12
They're one-time-only constitutions
for a specific purpose.
for a specific purpose.
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所以团队聚餐，
08:16
So a team dinner,
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不同代的人聚集在一起，
08:19
where different generations are gathering
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并不共享相同的电话礼仪假设：
08:21
and don't share the same
assumptions of phone etiquette:
assumptions of phone etiquette:
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08:25
whoever looks at their phone first
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谁先看自己的手机，
谁买单。
08:27
foots the bill.
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（笑声）
08:29
(Laughter)
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试一试。
08:30
Try it.
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08:31
(Applause)
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（掌声）
对于只有陌生人的创业咨询圈，
08:33
For an entrepreneurial advice circle
of just strangers,
of just strangers,
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主办方并不想要每个人
08:36
where the hosts don't want
everybody to just listen
everybody to just listen
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只听一个风险资本家（的建议）——
08:38
to the one venture capitalist
in the room --
in the room --
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（笑声）
08:40
(Laughter)
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大家娄出了会心一笑——
08:41
knowing laugh --
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（笑声）
08:43
(Laughter)
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08:44
you can't reveal what you do for a living.
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你不能透漏你自己是做什么的。
08:48
For a mom's dinner,
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至于一个妈妈聚会，
你想要颠覆常态，
08:50
where you want to upend the norms
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改变那些聚会时母亲常谈论的话题，
08:51
of what women who also happen
to be mothers talk about when they gather,
to be mothers talk about when they gather,
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如果你提到了你的孩子，
你需要干一杯。
你需要干一杯。
08:56
if you talk about your kids,
you have to take a shot.
you have to take a shot.
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（笑声）
08:59
(Laughter)
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09:02
That's a real dinner.
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这是一顿真正的晚餐。
09:05
Rules are powerful,
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规则是强大的，
因为它们让我们临时改变
和协调我们的行为。
和协调我们的行为。
09:07
because they allow us to temporarily
change and harmonize our behavior.
change and harmonize our behavior.
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在不同的社会中，
09:12
And in diverse societies,
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弹出式规则有着特殊的力量。
09:14
pop-up rules carry special force.
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09:17
They allow us to gather across difference,
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它们让我们跨越差别，
聚集起来，
聚集起来，
联系起来，
09:19
to connect,
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共同创造意义
09:20
to make meaning together
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而不用人人相同。
09:22
without having to be the same.
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09:25
When I was a child,
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在我小时候，
09:27
I navigated my two worlds
by becoming a chameleon.
by becoming a chameleon.
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我通过变成“变色龙”
来驾驭我的两个世界。
来驾驭我的两个世界。
09:31
If somebody sneezed in my mother's home,
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如果有人在我妈妈家里打了个喷嚏，
我会说：“保佑你。”
09:33
I would say, "Bless you,"
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在我父亲家，我则会说：
“‘上帝保佑你。”
“‘上帝保佑你。”
09:35
in my father's, "God bless you."
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09:38
To protect myself, I hid,
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为了保护自己，我将自己隐藏起来，
就像我们中很多人那样。
09:41
as so many of us do.
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09:43
And it wasn't until I grew up
and through conflict work
and through conflict work
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直到我长大并开始从事
解决冲突的工作，
解决冲突的工作，
我不再隐藏自己了。
09:46
that I began to stop hiding.
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09:49
And I realized that gatherings for me,
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然后我意识到，对我来说，
最好的聚会，
09:52
at their best,
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让我们能和他人在一起，
09:54
allow us to be among others,
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09:57
to be seen for who we are,
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让别人看到我们是谁，
也让我们认识别人。
09:59
and to see.
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10:03
The way we gather matters
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我们聚集的方式很重要，
10:07
because how we gather
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因为我们怎样聚集在一起，
我们就是怎样生活的。
10:09
is how we live.
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10:11
Thank you.
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谢谢。
（掌声）
10:12
(Applause)
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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Priya Parker - Conflict mediator, authorPriya Parker teaches people to gather better at home, at work, at school and in our communities.
Why you should listen
Priya Parker is helping us take a deeper look at how anyone can create collective meaning in modern life, one gathering at a time. A group conflict mediator, she's spent 15 years helping leaders and communities have complicated conversations during times of heat and transition. Frustrated by dull and disappointing gatherings, Parker set out to rewrite the rule book for creating transformative group experiences.
Parker interviewed more than 100 gatherers and wove together their wisdom and her own experiences in her acclaimed book The Art of Gathering. She has worked on racial dialogues on American campuses and peace-building projects in India, Africa and the Arab world.
Priya Parker | Speaker | TED.com