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Lori Gottlieb: How changing your story can change your life
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Stories help you make sense of your life -- but when these narratives are incomplete or misleading, they can keep you stuck instead of providing clarity. In an actionable talk, psychotherapist and advice columnist Lori Gottlieb shows how to break free from the stories you've been telling yourself by becoming your own editor and rewriting your narrative from a different point of view.
Lori Gottlieb - Psychotherapist, author
Lori Gottlieb asks: What if the stories we tell ourselves are wrong? Full bio
Lori Gottlieb asks: What if the stories we tell ourselves are wrong? Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
I'm going to start
by telling you about an email
by telling you about an email
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that I saw in my inbox recently.
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Now, I have a pretty unusual inbox
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because I'm a therapist
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and I write an advice column
called "Dear Therapist,"
called "Dear Therapist,"
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so you can imagine what's in there.
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I mean, I've read thousands
of very personal letters
of very personal letters
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from strangers all over the world.
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And these letters range
from heartbreak and loss,
from heartbreak and loss,
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to spats with parents or siblings.
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I keep them in a folder on my laptop,
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and I've named it
"The Problems of Living."
"The Problems of Living."
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So, I get this email,
I get lots of emails just like this,
I get lots of emails just like this,
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and I want to bring you
into my world for a second
into my world for a second
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and read you one of these letters.
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And here's how it goes.
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"Dear Therapist,
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I've been married for 10 years
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and things were good
until a couple of years ago.
until a couple of years ago.
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That's when my husband
stopped wanting to have sex as much,
stopped wanting to have sex as much,
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and now we barely have sex at all."
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I'm sure you guys were not expecting this.
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(Laughter)
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"Well, last night I discovered
that for the past few months,
that for the past few months,
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he's been secretly having
long, late-night phone calls
long, late-night phone calls
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with a woman at his office.
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I googled her, and she's gorgeous.
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I can't believe this is happening.
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My father had an affair
with a coworker when I was young
with a coworker when I was young
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and it broke our family apart.
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Needless to say, I'm devastated.
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If I stay in this marriage,
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I'll never be able
to trust my husband again.
to trust my husband again.
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But I don't want to put our kids
through a divorce,
through a divorce,
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stepmom situation, etc.
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What should I do?"
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Well, what do you think she should do?
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If you got this letter,
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you might be thinking
about how painful infidelity is.
about how painful infidelity is.
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Or maybe about how especially
painful it is here
painful it is here
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because of her experience
growing up with her father.
growing up with her father.
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And like me, you'd probably
have some empathy for this woman,
have some empathy for this woman,
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and you might even have some,
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how should I put this nicely,
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let's just call them "not-so-positive"
feelings for her husband.
feelings for her husband.
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Now, those are the kinds of things
that go through my mind too,
that go through my mind too,
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when I'm reading
these letters in my inbox.
these letters in my inbox.
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But I have to be really careful
when I respond to these letters
when I respond to these letters
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because I know that every letter I get
is actually just a story
is actually just a story
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written by a specific author.
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And that another version
of this story also exists.
of this story also exists.
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It always does.
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And I know this
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because if I've learned
anything as a therapist,
anything as a therapist,
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it's that we are all unreliable
narrators of our own lives.
narrators of our own lives.
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I am.
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You are.
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And so is everyone you know.
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Which I probably shouldn't have told you
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because now you're not
going to believe my TED Talk.
going to believe my TED Talk.
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Look, I don't mean
that we purposely mislead.
that we purposely mislead.
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Most of what people tell me
is absolutely true,
is absolutely true,
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just from their current points of view.
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Depending on what
they emphasize or minimize,
they emphasize or minimize,
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what they leave in, what they leave out,
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what they see and want me to see,
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they tell their stories
in a particular way.
in a particular way.
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The psychologist Jerome Bruner
described this beautifully -- he said,
described this beautifully -- he said,
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"To tell a story is, inescapably,
to take a moral stance."
to take a moral stance."
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All of us walk around
with stories about our lives.
with stories about our lives.
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Why choices were made,
why things went wrong,
why things went wrong,
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why we treated someone a certain way --
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because obviously, they deserved it --
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why someone treated us a certain way --
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even though, obviously, we didn't.
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Stories are the way
we make sense of our lives.
we make sense of our lives.
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But what happens when the stories we tell
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are misleading or incomplete
or just wrong?
or just wrong?
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Well, instead of providing clarity,
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these stories keep us stuck.
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We assume that our circumstances
shape our stories.
shape our stories.
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But what I found time and again in my work
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is that the exact opposite happens.
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The way we narrate our lives
shapes what they become.
shapes what they become.
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That's the danger of our stories,
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because they can really mess us up,
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but it's also their power.
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Because what it means
is that if we can change our stories,
is that if we can change our stories,
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then we can change our lives.
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And today, I want to show you how.
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Now, I told you I'm a therapist,
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and I really am, I'm not being
an unreliable narrator.
an unreliable narrator.
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But if I'm, let's say, on an airplane,
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and someone asks what I do,
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I usually say I'm an editor.
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And I say that partly
because if I say I'm a therapist,
because if I say I'm a therapist,
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I always get some awkward response, like,
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"Oh, a therapist.
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Are you going to psychoanalyze me?"
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And I'm thinking, "A : no,
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and B: why would I do that here?
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If I said I was a gynecologist,
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would you ask if I were
about to give you a pelvic exam?"
about to give you a pelvic exam?"
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(Laughter)
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But the main reason I say I'm an editor
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is because it's true.
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Now, it's the job of all therapists
to help people edit,
to help people edit,
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but what's interesting
about my specific role as Dear Therapist
about my specific role as Dear Therapist
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is that when I edit,
I'm not just editing for one person.
I'm not just editing for one person.
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I'm trying to teach a whole group
of readers how to edit,
of readers how to edit,
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using one letter each week as the example.
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So I'm thinking about things like,
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"What material is extraneous?"
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"Is the protagonist moving forward
or going in circles,
or going in circles,
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are the supporting characters important
or are they a distraction?"
or are they a distraction?"
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"Do the plot points reveal a theme?"
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05:00
And what I've noticed
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is that most people's stories
tend to circle around two key themes.
tend to circle around two key themes.
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The first is freedom,
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and the second is change.
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And when I edit,
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those are the themes that I start with.
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So, let's take a look
at freedom for a second.
at freedom for a second.
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Our stories about freedom go like this:
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we believe, in general,
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that we have an enormous
amount of freedom.
amount of freedom.
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Except when it comes
to the problem at hand,
to the problem at hand,
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in which case, suddenly,
we feel like we have none.
we feel like we have none.
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Many of our stories
are about feeling trapped, right?
are about feeling trapped, right?
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We feel imprisoned
by our families, our jobs,
by our families, our jobs,
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our relationships, our pasts.
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Sometimes, we even imprison ourselves
with a narrative of self-flagellation --
with a narrative of self-flagellation --
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I know you guys all know these stories.
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The "everyone's life
is better than mine" story,
is better than mine" story,
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courtesy of social media.
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The "I'm an impostor" story,
the "I'm unlovable" story,
the "I'm unlovable" story,
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the "nothing will ever
work out for me" story.
work out for me" story.
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The "when I say, 'Hey, Siri, '
and she doesn't answer,
and she doesn't answer,
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that means she hates me" story.
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I see you, see, I'm not the only one.
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The woman who wrote me that letter,
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she also feels trapped.
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If she stays with her husband,
she'll never trust him again,
she'll never trust him again,
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but if she leaves,
her children will suffer.
her children will suffer.
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Now, there's a cartoon
that I think is a perfect example
that I think is a perfect example
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of what's really going on
in these stories.
in these stories.
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The cartoon shows a prisoner
shaking the bars,
shaking the bars,
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desperately trying to get out.
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But on the right and the left, it's open.
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No bars.
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The prisoner isn't in jail.
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That's most of us.
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We feel completely trapped,
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stuck in our emotional jail cells.
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But we don't walk
around the bars to freedom
around the bars to freedom
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because we know there's a catch.
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Freedom comes with responsibility.
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And if we take responsibility
for our role in the story,
for our role in the story,
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we might just have to change.
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And that's the other common theme
that I see in our stories: change.
that I see in our stories: change.
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Those stories sound like this:
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a person says, "I want to change."
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But what they really mean is,
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"I want another character
in the story to change."
in the story to change."
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Therapists describe this dilemma as:
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"If the queen had balls,
she'd be the king."
she'd be the king."
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I mean --
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(Laughter)
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It makes no sense, right?
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Why wouldn't we want the protagonist,
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who's the hero of the story, to change?
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Well, it might be because change,
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even really positive change,
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involves a surprising amount of loss.
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Loss of the familiar.
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Even if the familiar is unpleasant
or utterly miserable,
or utterly miserable,
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at least we know the characters
and setting and plot,
and setting and plot,
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right down to the recurring
dialogue in this story.
dialogue in this story.
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"You never do the laundry!"
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"I did it last time!"
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"Oh, yeah? When?"
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There's something oddly comforting
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about knowing exactly
how the story is going to go
how the story is going to go
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every single time.
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To write a new chapter
is to venture into the unknown.
is to venture into the unknown.
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It's to stare at a blank page.
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And as any writer will tell you,
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there's nothing more terrifying
than a blank page.
than a blank page.
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But here's the thing.
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Once we edit our story,
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the next chapter
becomes much easier to write.
becomes much easier to write.
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We talk so much in our culture
about getting to know ourselves.
about getting to know ourselves.
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But part of getting to know yourself
is to unknow yourself.
is to unknow yourself.
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To let go of the one version of the story
you've been telling yourself
you've been telling yourself
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so that you can live your life,
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and not the story
that you've been telling yourself
that you've been telling yourself
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about your life.
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And that's how we walk around those bars.
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So I want to go back to the letter
from the woman, about the affair.
from the woman, about the affair.
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She asked me what she should do.
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Now, I have this word
taped up in my office:
taped up in my office:
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ultracrepidarianism.
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The habit of giving advice or opinions
outside of one's knowledge or competence.
outside of one's knowledge or competence.
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It's a great word, right?
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You can use it in all different contexts,
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I'm sure you will be using it
after this TED Talk.
after this TED Talk.
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I use it because it reminds me
that as a therapist,
that as a therapist,
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I can help people to sort out
what they want to do,
what they want to do,
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but I can't make
their life choices for them.
their life choices for them.
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Only you can write your story,
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and all you need are some tools.
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So what I want to do
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is I want to edit this woman's letter
together, right here,
together, right here,
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as a way to show
how we can all revise our stories.
how we can all revise our stories.
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And I want to start by asking you
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to think of a story
that you're telling yourself right now
that you're telling yourself right now
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that might not be serving you well.
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It might be about a circumstance
you're experiencing,
you're experiencing,
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it might be about a person in your life,
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it might even be about yourself.
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And I want you to look
at the supporting characters.
at the supporting characters.
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Who are the people who are helping you
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to uphold the wrong version of this story?
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For instance, if the woman
who wrote me that letter
who wrote me that letter
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told her friends what happened,
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they would probably offer her
what's called "idiot compassion."
what's called "idiot compassion."
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Now, in idiot compassion,
we go along with the story,
we go along with the story,
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we say, "You're right, that's so unfair,"
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when a friend tells us that he didn't
get the promotion he wanted,
get the promotion he wanted,
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even though we know this has happened
several times before
several times before
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because he doesn't really
put in the effort,
put in the effort,
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and he probably
also steals office supplies.
also steals office supplies.
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(Laughter)
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We say, "Yeah, you're right, he's a jerk,"
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when a friend tells us
that her boyfriend broke up with her,
that her boyfriend broke up with her,
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even though we know
that there are certain ways
that there are certain ways
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she tends to behave in relationships,
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like the incessant texting
or the going through his drawers,
or the going through his drawers,
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that tend to lead to this outcome.
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We see the problem, it's like,
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if a fight breaks out
in every bar you're going to,
in every bar you're going to,
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it might be you.
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(Laughter)
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In order to be good editors,
we need to offer wise compassion,
we need to offer wise compassion,
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not just to our friends, but to ourselves.
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This is what's called --
I think the technical term might be --
I think the technical term might be --
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"delivering compassionate truth bombs."
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And these truth bombs are compassionate,
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because they help us to see
what we've left out of the story.
what we've left out of the story.
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The truth is,
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we don't know if this woman's husband
is having an affair,
is having an affair,
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10:21
or why their sex life
changed two years ago,
changed two years ago,
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10:24
or what those late-night
phone calls are really about.
phone calls are really about.
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And it might be
that because of her history,
that because of her history,
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she's writing a singular
story of betrayal,
story of betrayal,
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10:32
but there's probably something else
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that she's not willing
to let me, in her letter,
to let me, in her letter,
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10:37
or maybe even herself, to see.
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10:40
It's like that guy
who's taking a Rorschach test.
who's taking a Rorschach test.
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10:42
You all know what Rorschach tests are?
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10:44
A psychologist shows you some ink blots,
they look like that,
they look like that,
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and asks, "What do you see?"
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10:50
So the guy looks
at his ink blot and he says,
at his ink blot and he says,
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"Well, I definitely don't see blood."
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And the examiner says,
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"Alright, tell me what else
you definitely don't see."
you definitely don't see."
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In writing, this is called point of view.
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What is the narrator not willing to see?
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11:08
So, I want to read you one more letter.
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11:12
And it goes like this.
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"Dear Therapist,
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I need help with my wife.
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11:21
Lately, everything I do irritates her,
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11:23
even small things, like the noise
I make when I chew.
I make when I chew.
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11:27
At breakfast,
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11:28
I noticed that she even tries
to secretly put extra milk in my granola
to secretly put extra milk in my granola
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11:31
so it won't be as crunchy."
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11:33
(Laughter)
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"I feel like she became critical of me
after my father died two years ago.
after my father died two years ago.
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I was very close with him,
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11:39
and her father left when she was young,
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11:41
so she couldn't relate
to what I was going through.
to what I was going through.
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11:44
There's a friend at work
whose father died a few months ago,
whose father died a few months ago,
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11:47
and who understands my grief.
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11:48
I wish I could talk to my wife
like I talk to my friend,
like I talk to my friend,
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11:52
but I feel like she barely
tolerates me now.
tolerates me now.
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How can I get my wife back?"
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11:57
OK.
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11:58
So, what you probably picked up on
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12:01
is that this is the same story
I read you earlier,
I read you earlier,
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12:04
just told from another
narrator's point of view.
narrator's point of view.
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12:06
Her story was about
a husband who's cheating,
a husband who's cheating,
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12:09
his story is about a wife
who can't understand his grief.
who can't understand his grief.
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12:13
But what's remarkable,
is that for all of their differences,
is that for all of their differences,
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12:16
what both of these stories are about
is a longing for connection.
is a longing for connection.
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12:20
And if we can get out
of the first-person narration
of the first-person narration
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and write the story
from another character's perspective,
from another character's perspective,
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12:25
suddenly that other character
becomes much more sympathetic,
becomes much more sympathetic,
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12:28
and the plot opens up.
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That's the hardest step
in the editing process,
in the editing process,
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12:34
but it's also where change begins.
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What would happen
if you looked at your story
if you looked at your story
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12:40
and wrote it from another
person's point of view?
person's point of view?
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12:43
What would you see now
from this wider perspective?
from this wider perspective?
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That's why, when I see people
who are depressed,
who are depressed,
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I sometimes say,
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"You are not the best person
to talk to you about you right now,"
to talk to you about you right now,"
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12:54
because depression distorts our stories
in a very particular way.
in a very particular way.
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12:57
It narrows our perspectives.
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12:59
The same is true when we feel
lonely or hurt or rejected.
lonely or hurt or rejected.
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13:02
We create all kinds of stories,
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13:04
distorted through a very narrow lens
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13:06
that we don't even know
we're looking through.
we're looking through.
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13:08
And then, we've effectively become
our own fake-news broadcasters.
our own fake-news broadcasters.
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I have a confession to make.
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13:15
I wrote the husband's version
of the letter I read you.
of the letter I read you.
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13:19
You have no idea how much time I spent
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13:20
debating between granola
and pita chips, by the way.
and pita chips, by the way.
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13:23
I wrote it based on all
of the alternative narratives
of the alternative narratives
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13:26
that I've seen over the years,
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not just in my therapy practice,
but also in my column.
but also in my column.
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13:31
When it's happened
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that two people involved
in the same situation
in the same situation
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have written to me,
unbeknownst to the other,
unbeknownst to the other,
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13:37
and I have two versions of the same story
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13:39
sitting in my inbox.
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13:41
That really has happened.
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13:43
I don't know what the other version
of this woman's letter is,
of this woman's letter is,
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13:46
but I do know this:
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13:48
she has to write it.
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13:50
Because with a courageous edit,
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13:52
she'll write a much more nuanced version
of her letter that she wrote to me.
of her letter that she wrote to me.
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13:55
Even if her husband
is having an affair of any kind --
is having an affair of any kind --
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13:58
and maybe he is --
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14:00
she doesn't need to know
what the plot is yet.
what the plot is yet.
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14:04
Because just by virtue of doing an edit,
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14:07
she'll have so many more possibilities
for what the plot can become.
for what the plot can become.
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14:11
Now, sometimes it happens
that I see people who are really stuck,
that I see people who are really stuck,
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14:14
and they're really invested
in their stuckness.
in their stuckness.
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14:18
We call them help-rejecting complainers.
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14:20
I'm sure you know people like this.
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14:22
They're the people who,
when you try to offer them a suggestion,
when you try to offer them a suggestion,
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3056
14:25
they reject it with, "Yeah, no,
that will never work, because ..."
that will never work, because ..."
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4849
14:30
"Yeah, no, that's impossible,
because I can't do that."
because I can't do that."
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14:34
"Yeah, I really want more friends,
but people are just so annoying."
but people are just so annoying."
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14:38
(Laughter)
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14:40
What they're really rejecting
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14:42
is an edit to their story
of misery and stuckness.
of misery and stuckness.
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14:46
And so, with these people,
I usually take a different approach.
I usually take a different approach.
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14:49
And what I do is I say something else.
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14:52
I say to them,
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14:54
"We're all going to die."
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14:56
I bet you're really glad
I'm not your therapist right now.
I'm not your therapist right now.
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15:00
Because they look back at me
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15:01
the way you're looking back
at me right now,
at me right now,
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15:03
with this look of utter confusion.
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15:05
But then I explain that there's a story
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15:07
that gets written
about all of us, eventually.
about all of us, eventually.
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15:10
It's called an obituary.
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15:12
And I say that instead of being
authors of our own unhappiness,
authors of our own unhappiness,
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15:17
we get to shape these stories
while we're still alive.
while we're still alive.
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15:21
We get to be the hero
and not the victim in our stories,
and not the victim in our stories,
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15:23
we get to choose what goes on the page
that lives in our minds
that lives in our minds
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15:26
and shapes our realities.
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15:29
I tell them that life is about deciding
which stories to listen to
which stories to listen to
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15:32
and which ones need an edit.
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15:34
And that it's worth the effort
to go through a revision
to go through a revision
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15:37
because there's nothing more important
to the quality of our lives
to the quality of our lives
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15:40
than the stories
we tell ourselves about them.
we tell ourselves about them.
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15:43
I say that when it comes
to the stories of our lives,
to the stories of our lives,
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we should be aiming for our own
personal Pulitzer Prize.
personal Pulitzer Prize.
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15:50
Now, most of us aren't
help-rejecting complainers,
help-rejecting complainers,
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15:53
or at least we don't believe we are.
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15:55
But it's a role
that is so easy to slip into
that is so easy to slip into
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15:58
when we feel anxious
or angry or vulnerable.
or angry or vulnerable.
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So the next time
you're struggling with something,
you're struggling with something,
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16:04
remember,
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16:05
we're all going to die.
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16:07
(Laughter)
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16:08
And then pull out your editing tools
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16:11
and ask yourself:
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16:12
what do I want my story to be?
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And then, go write your masterpiece.
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Thank you.
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(Applause)
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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Lori Gottlieb - Psychotherapist, authorLori Gottlieb asks: What if the stories we tell ourselves are wrong?
Why you should listen
Lori Gottlieb is a natural storyteller -- and no wonder. She has crafted stories for film and television series as Hollywood executive, delved deep into her subjects' stories as a nationally recognized journalist and has helped people to change their stories through her weekly "Dear Therapist" column for "The Atlantic" and her clinical work as a psychotherapist.
In her latest New York Times bestselling book, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, which is currently being adapted as a television series with Eva Longoria, she tells the stories of four of her patients, along with a fifth patient -- herself. She also serves as a member of the Advisory Council for Bring Change to Mind and as an advisor to the Aspen Institute, and she appears as a frequent expert on emotional health in media such as The Today Show, Good Morning America, The CBS Early Show, CNN, and NPR's "Fresh Air." Her new podcast, which will premiere in 2020, will be co-hosted with fellow TED speaker Guy Winch and executive produced by Katie Couric.
Lori Gottlieb | Speaker | TED.com