TEDxOrlando
Tammy Lally: Let's get honest about our money problems
塔米 · 莱利: 让我们诚实地面对家庭财务问题
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挣扎于预算和财务管理是很常见的，但坦诚并公开地谈论这个问题则不然。我们为什么要隐藏我们的财务问题？在这个深刻的演讲中，作者塔米 · 莱利鼓励我们打破“金钱羞耻”，并向我们展示了如何不再让银行余额等同于我们的自我价值。
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
Have you every had to break
your family's rules?
your family's rules?
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你们有没有必须打破家庭规则的经历？
00:16
Today, I'm breaking mine,
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今天，我就要打破我的家中
00:18
around money, secrecy and shame.
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关于金钱，秘密和羞耻的规则。
00:23
In 2006, on my brother Keith's
40th birthday, he called.
40th birthday, he called.
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2006年，在我哥哥基斯
40岁生日那天，他打电话给我。
40岁生日那天，他打电话给我。
00:29
"Tam, I'm in dire straits.
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“塔米，我现在处境艰难。
00:32
I wouldn't ask unless I had to.
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不到万不得已，我不会开口的。
00:36
Can I borrow 7,500 dollars?"
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我能借7500美元吗？“
00:40
This wasn't the first time
he needed quick cash,
he needed quick cash,
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这不是他第一次急需用钱了，
00:43
but this time, his voice frightened me.
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但这次，他的声音吓到了我。
00:47
I had never heard him
so beaten down and shameful,
so beaten down and shameful,
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我从来没听过他这么沮丧和羞愧，
00:54
and it was on his 40th birthday.
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而且是在他40岁生日那天。
01:01
After a few basic questions
that we would all ask,
that we would all ask,
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在问了几个我们通常会问的问题后，
01:05
I agreed to loan him the money,
but under one condition:
but under one condition:
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我同意借他钱，但有一个条件：
01:10
that as the financial
professional in the family,
professional in the family,
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作为家庭的财务专家，
01:12
I wanted to meet with him and his wife
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我想要见他和他的妻子，
01:14
to see what was really happening.
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了解一下到底发生了什么。
01:17
Weeks later, we met
at the local Starbucks,
at the local Starbucks,
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几周后，我们在本地的星巴克见了面，
01:21
and I started right in
with the tough-love budget conversation.
with the tough-love budget conversation.
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然后我就开始了一场强硬的预算对话。
01:26
"You should sell the house,
downsize to something you can afford,
downsize to something you can afford,
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“你们应该卖掉房子，
精简到能负担得起的东西，
精简到能负担得起的东西，
01:30
sell the toys.
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卖掉玩具，
01:32
And Starbucks?
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咖啡吗？
01:34
Give up the five-dollar-a-day coffee."
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不要再每天花5美元买咖啡了。“
01:37
You know, all the trappings that we do
to keep up with the Joneses.
to keep up with the Joneses.
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这些都是爱慕虚荣导致的后果。
01:42
Quickly, my brother and his wife
went into a fearsome blame game,
went into a fearsome blame game,
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很快，我哥哥和嫂子陷入了
一场可怕的责备漩涡，
一场可怕的责备漩涡，
01:47
and it got messy.
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事情开始变得一发不可收拾。
01:49
I vacillated between therapist
and pissed-off sister.
and pissed-off sister.
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我在治疗师和被激怒的妹妹
角色之间摇摆不定。
角色之间摇摆不定。
01:56
I wanted them to be better than this.
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我想要他们过得更好。
01:58
"Come on, you two. Get your shit together.
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“得了，你俩，一起振作起来，
02:02
You're parents.
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都为人父母了。
02:03
Grow up and buck up."
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醒醒吧，振作起来。”
02:08
After we left, I called my mom,
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我们离开后，我打电话给母亲，
02:12
but Keith beat me to it,
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但基斯抢先了，
02:14
and he told her that I wasn't helpful.
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他告诉她我帮不上忙。
02:17
In fact, he was hurt
and felt ganged-up on.
and felt ganged-up on.
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事实上，他很受伤，
感觉没人站在他那一边。
感觉没人站在他那一边。
02:24
Of course he did. I shamed him
with my tough-love budget conversation.
with my tough-love budget conversation.
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确实如此，我用强硬的
预算对话羞辱了他。
预算对话羞辱了他。
02:33
Two months went by when I received a call.
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两个月后，我接到个电话。
02:36
"Tam? I have bad news.
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“塔米，有个坏消息。
02:40
Keith committed suicide last night."
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基斯昨晚自杀了。“
02:47
Days later, at his home,
I went looking for answers,
I went looking for answers,
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几天后，在他家，我想要找到答案，
02:52
in his "office" -- the garage.
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在他的“办公室”——车库。
02:56
There, I found a stack
of overdue credit card bills
of overdue credit card bills
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在那儿，我发现了一堆
过期的信用卡账单，
过期的信用卡账单，
03:00
and a foreclosure notice served to him
on the day that he died.
on the day that he died.
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和一张他自杀那天收到的止赎通知。
03:24
My brother left behind
his beautiful 10-year-old daughter,
his beautiful 10-year-old daughter,
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我的哥哥留下了他美丽的10岁女儿，
03:29
his brilliant 18-year-old son,
weeks before his high school graduation,
weeks before his high school graduation,
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以及一个聪明的儿子，已经18岁了，
几个星期后就要高中毕业，
几个星期后就要高中毕业，
03:34
and his wife of 20 years.
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还有相伴20年的妻子。
03:38
How did this happen?
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为什么会发生这样的事？
03:42
My brother was caught
in our family's money-shame cycle,
in our family's money-shame cycle,
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我哥哥受困于家庭财务羞耻的循环，
03:46
and he was far from alone in this.
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而这样的人远不止他一个。
03:50
Suicide rates among adults ages 40 to 64
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40到64岁的中年人，自杀率
03:55
have risen nearly 40 percent since 1999.
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自1999年来上升了近40%。
04:00
Job loss, bankruptcy and foreclosures
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失业、破产和丧失房屋抵押赎回权
出现在40%的死亡案例中，
04:03
were present in nearly
40 percent of the deaths,
40 percent of the deaths,
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04:06
with white middle-aged men
accounting for seven out of 10 suicides.
accounting for seven out of 10 suicides.
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10个自杀的人中，
就有7个是中年白人男性。
就有7个是中年白人男性。
04:13
What I've learned
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我所了解的是，
04:16
is that our self-destructive
and self-defeating financial behaviors
and self-defeating financial behaviors
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我们的自我毁灭和挫败的财务行为
04:22
are not driven
by our rational, logical minds.
by our rational, logical minds.
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并不是由我们理性、
合乎逻辑的头脑所驱动的。
合乎逻辑的头脑所驱动的。
04:27
Instead, they are a product
of our subconscious belief systems
of our subconscious belief systems
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相反，它们是我们潜意识
信念系统的产物，
信念系统的产物，
04:33
rooted in our childhoods
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根植于我们的童年，
04:35
and so deeply ingrained in us,
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根深蒂固地跟随着我们。
04:38
they shape the way that we deal with money
our entire adult lives,
our entire adult lives,
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它们塑造了我们整个成年生活
处理金钱的方式，
处理金钱的方式，
04:43
and so many of you are left believing
that you're lazy,
that you're lazy,
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你们中很多人都认为自己很懒，
04:49
crazy or stupid -- or just bad with money.
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疯狂或不够聪明——或者不善赚取钱财。
04:55
This is what I call money shame.
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这就是我所说的金钱羞耻。
04:59
Dr. Brené Brown,
a well-known shame researcher,
a well-known shame researcher,
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布勒内 · 布朗博士，
是位知名的羞耻研究者，
是位知名的羞耻研究者，
05:02
defines shame as "the intensely
painful feeling or experience
painful feeling or experience
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把羞耻定义为“相信我们是有缺陷的，
05:09
of believing that we are flawed,
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因此不值得拥有爱和归属感的，
极度痛苦的感觉或经历。”
05:12
and therefore unworthy
of love and belonging."
of love and belonging."
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05:17
Based on this definition,
here's how I'm defining money shame:
here's how I'm defining money shame:
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基于他的定义，
这是我所定义的金钱羞耻：
这是我所定义的金钱羞耻：
05:23
"the intensely painful
feeling or experience
feeling or experience
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“相信我们是有缺陷的，
05:26
of believing that we are flawed,
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因此不值得拥有爱和归属感的，
05:29
and therefore unworthy
of love and belonging,
of love and belonging,
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极度痛苦的感觉或经历，
05:32
based on our bank account balances,
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基于我们的银行账户余额，
05:35
our debts, our homes, our cars
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我们的负债，我们的家庭，我们的汽车
05:40
and our job titles."
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以及我们的工作头衔。“
05:43
Let me give you a couple
of examples of what I mean.
of examples of what I mean.
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我来举例说明我的意思。
05:47
I believe that we all have money shame,
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我认为我们都有金钱羞耻，
05:50
whether you earn
10,000 dollars a year or 10 million,
10,000 dollars a year or 10 million,
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不管你每年赚1万美金还是1千万美金，
05:54
and it's because we give money
all of our power.
all of our power.
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这是因为我们把所有权力都给了钱。
05:59
Here's what it would look like
if someone that you love, or you,
if someone that you love, or you,
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如果你爱的人或你有金钱羞耻，
06:03
might have money shame.
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就可能会有这样的表现。
06:06
They play the big shot,
always picking up the check,
always picking up the check,
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他们扮大款，总是主动签单，
06:09
financially rescuing family and friends.
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给予家人和朋友金钱上的帮助。
06:12
They are financially secure,
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他们在经济上是安全的，
但长期生活在不充裕的状态。
06:14
but they live in a state
of chronic not-enoughness.
of chronic not-enoughness.
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06:20
They drive a Mercedes, but their budget
really only can afford a Honda.
really only can afford a Honda.
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他们开奔驰车，但实际预算
只能买得起一辆本田车。
只能买得起一辆本田车。
06:28
And they're looking good at every cost.
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花出去的每一笔钱，
好像对生活都没什么影响。
好像对生活都没什么影响。
06:32
I know that we can break free
from the grips of money shame,
from the grips of money shame,
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我知道我们可以摆脱金钱的束缚，
06:36
because I did.
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因为我就有过这样的经历。
06:39
Shortly after my brother's death,
the Recession hit.
the Recession hit.
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在我哥哥死后不久，经济衰退就开始了。
06:43
I lost my business and faced bankruptcy.
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我丢掉了生意并面临破产。
06:48
Secretly, I was terrified.
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私下说，我被吓到了。
06:53
I stayed in my home for a year,
thinking I did something wrong,
thinking I did something wrong,
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我在家里呆了整整一年，
总想着我把事情搞砸了，
总想着我把事情搞砸了，
06:59
told myself, "What did you do?
What happened?"
What happened?"
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不停自问，“你到底做了什么？
究竟发生了什么？”
究竟发生了什么？”
07:03
I stayed silent, while all along,
I went outside and smiled.
I went outside and smiled.
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我保持沉默，但自始至终，
我走到外面都面带微笑。
我走到外面都面带微笑。
07:09
Nobody knew.
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没人知道我内心经历着什么——
07:11
That's money shame.
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那是金钱羞耻。
07:14
So what I had to do
was let go of the grip that I had
was let go of the grip that I had
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所以我要做的就是承认
07:20
on knowing all the answers.
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自己也会犯错误。
07:22
I was the know-it-all in my family,
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我曾是家里的万事通，
07:25
and I had to give up the idea
that a new financial plan
that a new financial plan
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我不得不放弃一个新的财务计划
07:30
was the solution.
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是解决方案的这个想法。
07:33
And so just like everything
in my life, for me,
in my life, for me,
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就像我生活中的一切，
07:38
I was sent a human to help,
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有人被派来帮助我，
07:42
and I accepted the help,
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我接受了帮助，
07:46
but I had to do major self-inquiry
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但是我必须对我家庭的金钱历史
07:49
about my family's money history
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和我的金钱理念
07:52
and my money beliefs.
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进行重大的自我反省。
07:56
We have to start having this conversation.
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我们必须开始进行这样的对话。
08:00
Money can no longer be a taboo topic.
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金钱不再是一个禁忌话题。
08:04
We have to get honest with each other
that we're suffering with money issues,
that we're suffering with money issues,
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我们必须诚实地对待彼此，承认
我们正受到金钱问题的困扰，
我们正受到金钱问题的困扰，
08:10
and let's get real -- we have to stop
numbing out our pain.
numbing out our pain.
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让我们现实一点——我们必须
停止假装万事大吉。
停止假装万事大吉。
08:16
In order to uncover the painful parts
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要揭开你的金钱故事
和金钱历史的痛苦伤疤，
08:19
of your money story
and your money history,
and your money history,
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08:23
you can't be numb.
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你不能再麻木不仁了。
08:25
We have to let go of our past
in order to be free.
in order to be free.
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为了获得自由，我们必须放弃过去。
08:32
Letting go of the past
happens through surrender,
happens through surrender,
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放弃过去是通过投降，
信仰和宽恕来实现的。
08:36
faith and forgiveness.
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08:39
Debt is the tangible manifestation
of not forgiving.
of not forgiving.
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债是不宽恕的有形表现。
08:44
If you have debt, you've not
completely forgiven your past,
completely forgiven your past,
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如果你有负债，你就还没有
完全原谅你的过去，
完全原谅你的过去，
08:49
so it's our work
to forgive ourselves and others
to forgive ourselves and others
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所以我们的工作就是原谅自己和他人，
08:52
so that we can live freely.
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这样我们才能活得自由。
08:54
Otherwise, our history
will continue to repeat.
will continue to repeat.
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否则，我们的历史就会一次次重演。
08:59
This is not a quick fix,
and I know we all want one,
and I know we all want one,
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这不是一个快速的解决方案，
我知道我们都想走捷径，
我知道我们都想走捷径，
09:03
but it's a slow wake-up.
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但这是一种缓慢的觉醒。
09:05
This is another level of work.
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这是另一个层次的工作。
09:08
We have to go higher to get it,
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我们必须更上一层楼才能得到它，
09:11
to get at it.
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去解决它。
09:14
So try this: follow your dollars.
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试试这个方法：记账。
09:17
Your money will show you
right away what you value.
right away what you value.
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你的钱会立刻显示出你的价值。
09:21
Where's it going?
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它去哪儿了？
09:22
And then ask yourself:
Do I really value all this stuff?
Do I really value all this stuff?
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然后问你自己：我真的
很重视这些东西吗？
很重视这些东西吗？
09:27
And get curious about
what you're feeling when you're spending.
what you're feeling when you're spending.
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在花钱的时候留意自己的感受。
09:31
Are you lonely?
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你感到孤单吗？
09:33
Are you bored?
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你感到无聊吗？
09:34
Or are you just excited?
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或者你只是觉得激动？
09:39
But there's deeper work
that needs to happen.
that needs to happen.
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但还有更深层的工作需要去做。
09:42
How did you get all these
money beliefs to begin with?
money beliefs to begin with?
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你的这些财务观是怎么来的？
09:46
I call this your money autobiography,
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我把这叫做你的金钱自传，
09:49
and as a money coach, this is
the first step I take with my clients.
the first step I take with my clients.
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作为金钱教练，
这是我跟客户交谈的第一步。
这是我跟客户交谈的第一步。
09:54
Think back to your earliest
childhood money memory.
childhood money memory.
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回想一下你童年时的金钱记忆。
09:58
What did it feel like when you got money?
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当你拿到钱的时候，感觉怎么样？
10:01
Were you excited, proud or confused?
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你是激动，骄傲还是迷惑？
10:06
And what did you do with the money?
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你都用钱做什么了？
10:08
Did you run with the candy store,
or did you run to the bank?
or did you run to the bank?
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你是去糖果店了，还是存银行了？
10:12
And what did you hear your parents say,
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你听到父母说了什么，
10:15
and what did you see
your parents do with the money?
your parents do with the money?
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看到他们如何对待金钱了吗？
10:19
My brother and I heard,
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我哥哥和我听到过，
10:21
"More money will make us happy."
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“更多的钱会让我们幸福。”
10:24
Every day.
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每天都能听到。
10:25
"More money will make us happy."
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“更多的钱会让我们幸福。”
10:27
And we internalized that
into the money belief
into the money belief
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当我们看到母亲生活在
长期的不充裕状态中，
长期的不充裕状态中，
10:31
that our self worth was equal
to our net worth
to our net worth
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就会将其内化到我们的金钱信念中，
10:35
as we watched our mom live in a state
of chronic not-enoughness.
of chronic not-enoughness.
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那就是，我们的自我价值
等于我们的净资产。
等于我们的净资产。
10:41
And she numbed the pain
with sugar and shopping.
with sugar and shopping.
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她用糖和购物逃避痛苦。
10:46
So what did we do?
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我们又是怎么做的呢？
10:48
Keith played out my mother's life.
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基斯上演了我母亲的人生。
10:51
He was an underearner,
longed to be financially rescued,
longed to be financially rescued,
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他收入不足，渴望得到经济上的拯救，
10:55
and he numbed out the pain with alcohol.
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用酒精自我麻醉。
10:59
I did the opposite.
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我则相反。
11:01
I became a high earner,
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我成了一个高收入者，
11:03
rescuer,
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救助者，
11:06
and I numbed the pain out
with self-help books.
with self-help books.
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我用励志书籍来麻醉自己。
11:11
But what we had in common
was our money belief.
was our money belief.
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但我们有着共同的金钱信念。
11:14
We both believed
that our bank account balance
that our bank account balance
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我们都相信我们的银行存款余额
11:17
was equal to our self worth.
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等于我们的自我价值。
11:20
Looking back at the Starbucks
meeting with my brother ...
meeting with my brother ...
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回头再看我和哥哥在星巴克的会面…
11:25
he didn't need a budget and my judgment.
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他不需要做预算，也不需要我的评判。
11:29
He needed a breakthrough
from his suffering,
from his suffering,
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他需要打破所承受的痛苦，
11:32
and he needed my compassion.
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他需要我的同情。
11:36
Keith was not able
to be the one to speak up
to be the one to speak up
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基斯无法说出他的心声，
11:38
and break our family money shame cycle,
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打破我们家族金钱羞耻的循环，
11:41
so he left me to do the work
and share his legacy.
and share his legacy.
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所以他留下我去做这项工作，
去分享他的遗产。
去分享他的遗产。
11:46
Change is difficult,
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改变很难，
11:49
but in my family, not changing is fatal.
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但在我的家庭中，不改变是致命的。
11:54
So I did the work,
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于是我做了这个工作，
11:56
and I have experienced deep
and profound forgiveness,
and profound forgiveness,
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我经历了刻骨铭心的宽恕，
12:03
and as I stand here today,
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当今天我站在这里的时候，
12:05
I am living on purpose,
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我带着明确的目标生活着。
12:09
I serve, and money serves me.
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我服务社会，而金钱为我服务。
12:13
It only takes one person in your family
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只需要一个家人，
12:18
to break through the money-shame cycle.
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就可以打破家庭金钱羞耻的循环。
12:21
I want you to be the one.
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我希望你能成为这个人。
12:24
Thank you.
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谢谢。
12:25
(Applause)
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（鼓掌）
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Tammy Lally - Money coachTammy Lally helps others master their finances.
Why you should listen
Tammy Lally is a Certified Money Coach and author of Money Detox. She helps others master their finances by first conquering their emotions around money, then by creating a comprehensive financial plan.
Lally has deep experience in the financial industry and has spent years studying psychology, addiction, recovery and spirituality. Her teachers include Brené Brown, Marianne Williamson, Pia Melody and Byron Katie.
Lally brings a distinctive blend of financial industry experience, psychological knowledge and spiritual consciousness to her work. She created a seven-step "Money Detox" process that allows anyone to achieve financial freedom and joy.
Tammy Lally | Speaker | TED.com