TED2012
Brené Brown: Listening to shame
Brené Brown: Osluškivanje srama
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Sram je epidemija o kojoj se ne govori, tajna iza mnogih oblika lošeg ponašanja. Brené Brown, čiji je raniji govor o ranjivosti postao hit u trenu, istražuje što se može dogoditi kad se ljudi izravno suoče sa sramom. Njezin humor, ljudskost i ranjivost isijavaju iz svake riječi.
Brené Brown - Vulnerability researcher
Brené Brown studies vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. Full bio
Brené Brown studies vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:15
I'm going to tell you a little bit
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Reći ću vam nešto
00:18
about my TEDxHouston Talk.
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o svom govoru na TEDxHoustonu.
00:20
I woke up the morning after I gave that Talk
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Probudila sam se jutro nakon tog govora
00:24
with the worst vulnerability hangover
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s najgorim mamurlukom ranjivosti
00:27
of my life.
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u životu.
00:29
And I actually didn't leave my house
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I doslovno nisam izišla iz kuće
00:32
for about three days.
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tri dana.
00:34
The first time I left was to meet a friend for lunch.
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Prvi put kad sam izišla, bilo je to
kako bih se našla s prijateljicom na ručku.
kako bih se našla s prijateljicom na ručku.
00:38
And when I walked in, she was already at the table.
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Kad sam ušla, već je bila za stolom.
00:40
And I sat down, and she said,
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Sjela sam, a ona je rekla:
00:42
"God, you look like hell."
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„Bože, grozno izgledaš.“
00:44
I said, "Thanks. I feel really --
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Rekla sam: „Hvala. Osjećam se zaista –
00:46
I'm not functioning."
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Ne funkcioniram.“
00:49
And she said, "What's going on?"
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A ona je rekla: „Što se događa?“
00:51
And I said, "I just told
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Odgovorila sam: „Upravo sam
00:53
500 people
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pred 500 ljudi rekla
00:56
that I became a researcher
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da sam postala istraživač
00:58
to avoid vulnerability.
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kako bih izbjegla ranjivost.
01:00
And that when being vulnerable
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A onda, kad su istraživanja
01:02
emerged from my data,
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pokazala da je ranjivost
01:04
as absolutely essential
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neophodna
01:07
to whole-hearted living,
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da bi se živjelo punim plućima,
01:09
I told these 500 people
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rekla sam pred tih 500 ljudi
01:11
that I had a breakdown.
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da sam doživjela slom.
01:13
I had a slide that said Breakdown.
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Imala sam slajd na kojem je pisalo Slom.
01:15
At what point did I think that was a good idea?"
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Kako sam uopće pomislila da je to dobra ideja?“
01:18
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
01:21
And she said, "I saw your Talk live-streamed.
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Ona je rekla: „Vidjela sam
tvoj govor uživo preko interneta.
tvoj govor uživo preko interneta.
01:23
It was not really you.
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To nisi stvarno bila ti.
01:25
It was a little different than what you usually do.
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Bilo je pomalo drugačije od onog što inače radiš.
01:27
But it was great."
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Ali bilo je odlično.“
01:29
And I said,
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A ja sam rekla:
01:31
"This can't happen.
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„To se ne može dogoditi.
01:33
YouTube, they're putting this thing on YouTube.
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Oni će to staviti na YouTube
01:35
And we're going to be talking about 600, 700 people."
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i onda će to vidjeti možda 600, 700 ljudi.“
01:39
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
01:43
And she said, "Well, I think it's too late."
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Rekla je: „Pa, mislim da je prekasno.“
01:46
And I said, "Let me ask you something."
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Ja sam rekla: „Da te pitam nešto.“
01:48
And she said, "Yeah."
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Rekla je: „Da?“
01:50
And I said, "Do you remember when we were in college
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A ja sam rekla: „Sjećaš se kad smo bile na fakultetu
01:52
and really wild and kind of dumb?"
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i kad smo bile stvarno divlje i nekako glupe?“
01:54
And she said, "Yeah."
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Rekla je: „Da.“
01:56
And I said, "Remember when we'd leave a really bad message
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A ja sam rekla: „Sjećaš se kako smo znale
ostaviti stvarno groznu poruku
ostaviti stvarno groznu poruku
01:58
on our ex-boyfriend's answering machine?
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na sekretarici bivšeg dečka?
02:00
Then we'd have to break into his dorm room
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Onda smo morale provaliti u njegovu sobu u domu
02:02
and then erase the tape?"
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i izbrisati to sa sekretarice?“
02:04
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
02:06
And she goes, "Uh ... no."
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A kaže ona: „Ovaj...ne.“
02:09
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
02:11
So of course, the only thing I could think of to say at that point was,
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Naravno, jedino što sam se
u tom trenu sjetila reći bilo je:
u tom trenu sjetila reći bilo je:
02:14
"Yeah, me neither.
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„Da, ni ja.
02:16
That ... me neither."
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Ovaj... ni ja.“
02:20
And I'm thinking to myself,
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I mislim si u sebi,
02:22
"Brene, what are you doing? What are you doing?
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„Brene, što radiš? Što to radiš?
02:25
Why did you bring this up? Have you lost your mind?
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Zašto si to spomenula? Jesi li poludjela?
02:28
Your sisters would be perfect for this."
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Tvoje bi sestre bile odlične za ovo.“
02:32
So I looked back up and she said,
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Pogledala sam je, a ona je rekla:
02:35
"Are you really going to try to break in
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„Zar ćeš zbilja pokušati provaliti
02:38
and steal the video
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i ukrasti snimku
02:40
before they put it on YouTube?"
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prije no što je stave na YouTube?“
02:43
And I said, "I'm just thinking about it a little bit."
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Rekla sam: „Samo malo razmišljam o tome.“
02:46
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
02:48
She said, "You're like the worst vulnerability role model ever."
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Rekla je: „Ti si nagori uzor za ranjivost na svijetu.“
02:52
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
02:55
And then I looked at her and I said something
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A onda sam je pogledala i rekla nešto
02:57
that at the time felt a little dramatic,
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što je u tom trenu izgledalo pomalo dramatično,
02:59
but ended up being more prophetic than dramatic.
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ali je na kraju bilo više proročanski nego dramatično.
03:01
I said,
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Rekla sam:
03:03
"If 500 turns into 1,000
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„Ako se 500 pretvori u 1000
03:07
or 2,000,
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ili 2000,
03:09
my life is over."
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moj je život gotov.“
03:11
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
03:13
I had no contingency plan for four million.
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Nisam imala plan za nepredviđenu situaciju
od četiri milijuna pogleda.
od četiri milijuna pogleda.
03:16
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
03:20
And my life did end when that happened.
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I moj je život zaista bio gotov kad se to dogodilo.
03:23
And maybe the hardest part about my life ending
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Možda je najteži dio vezan za završetak mog života
03:27
is that I learned something hard about myself,
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to što sam naučila nešto teško o sebi,
03:31
and that was that,
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a to je da
03:34
as much as I would frustrated
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ma koliko frustrirana bila
03:36
about not being able to get my work out to the world,
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zato što ne mogu svoj rad pokazati svijetu,
03:38
there was a part of me that was working very hard
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postojao je dio mene koji je veoma naporno radio
03:41
to engineer staying small,
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kako bih ostala malena,
03:44
staying right under the radar.
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kako bih ostala ispod radara.
03:48
But I want to talk about what I've learned.
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Ali želim govoriti o tome što sam naučila.
03:50
There's two things that I've learned in the last year.
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Dvije sam stvari naučila unazad godinu dana.
03:54
The first is
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Prva je
03:58
vulnerability is not weakness.
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da ranjivost nije slabost.
04:02
And that myth
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A taj je mit
04:04
is profoundly dangerous.
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veoma opasan.
04:06
Let me ask you honestly --
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Da vas pitam iskreno –
04:08
and I'll give you this warning,
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i dat ću vam ovo upozorenje:
04:10
I'm trained as a therapist,
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školovala sam se za terapeuta
04:12
so I can out-wait you uncomfortably --
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pa mogu neugodno čekati koliko god treba –
04:15
so if you could just raise your hand that would be awesome --
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dakle, ako biste mogli samo
podići ruku, to bi bilo sjajno –
podići ruku, to bi bilo sjajno –
04:18
how many of you honestly,
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koliko vas, iskreno,
04:20
when you're thinking about doing something vulnerable
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kad razmišljate o tome da učinite nešto ranjivo
04:22
or saying something vulnerable,
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ili kažete nešto ranjivo
04:24
think, "God, vulnerability's weakness. This is weakness?"
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pomisli: „Bože, ranjivost je slabost. Ovo je slabost.“
04:26
How many of you think of vulnerability and weakness synonymously?
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Koliko vas misli da su ranjivost i slabost ista stvar?
04:29
The majority of people.
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Većina ljudi.
04:31
Now let me ask you this question:
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A da vas sad pitam ovo pitanje:
04:33
This past week at TED,
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Proteklog tjedna na TED-u,
04:36
how many of you, when you saw vulnerability up here,
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koliko vas je, kad ste ovdje vidjeli ranjivost,
04:39
thought it was pure courage?
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pomislilo da je to čista hrabrost?
04:43
Vulnerability is not weakness.
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Ranjivost nije slabost.
04:46
I define vulnerability
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Ja definiram ranjivost
04:48
as emotional risk,
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kao emocionalni rizik,
04:51
exposure, uncertainty.
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izloženost, nesigurnost.
04:54
It fuels our daily lives.
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To pokreće naš svakodnevni život.
04:56
And I've come to the belief --
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Došla sam do uvjerenja –
04:58
this is my 12th year doing this research --
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ovo je 12. godina kako se bavim ovim istraživanjem –
05:00
that vulnerability
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da je ranjivost
05:02
is our most accurate measurement
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naše najtočnije mjerilo
05:05
of courage --
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hrabrosti –
05:08
to be vulnerable, to let ourselves be seen,
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biti ranjivi, dopustiti da budemo viđeni,
05:11
to be honest.
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biti iskreni.
05:13
One of the weird things that's happened
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Jedna od čudnih stvari koje su se dogodile
05:15
is, after the TED explosion,
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nakon eksplozije na TED-u,
05:17
I got a lot of offers to speak all over the country --
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jest da sam dobila mnogo ponuda
da govorim širom zemlje –
da govorim širom zemlje –
05:20
everyone from schools and parent meetings
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od škola i roditeljskih sastanaka,
05:23
to Fortune 500 companies.
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do najvećih američkih tvrtki.
05:26
And so many of the calls went like this,
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Mnogi pozivi izgledali su ovako:
05:28
"Hey, Dr. Brown. We loved your TEDTalk.
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„Hej, dr. Brown. Svidio nam se vaš TEDTalk.
05:30
We'd like you to come in and speak.
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Voljeli bismo da dođete i govorite.
05:32
We'd appreciate it
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Voljeli bismo
05:34
if you wouldn't mention vulnerability or shame."
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da ne spominjete ranjivost ili sram.“
05:37
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
05:41
What would you like for me to talk about?
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O čemu biste vi htjeli da govorim?
05:44
There's three big answers.
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Postoje tri velika odgovora.
05:46
This is mostly, to be honest with you, from the business sector:
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Ovi su uglavnom, da vam budem iskrena,
iz poslovnog sektora:
iz poslovnog sektora:
05:49
innovation, creativity
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inovacije, kreativnost
05:51
and change.
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i promjena.
05:55
So let me go on the record
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Dopustite mi
05:57
and say,
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da vam službeno kažem
05:59
vulnerability is the birthplace
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da je ranjivost rodno mjesto
06:01
of innovation, creativity and change.
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inovacija, kreativnosti i promjene.
06:04
(Applause)
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(Pljesak)
06:12
To create is to make something
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Stvarati znači napraviti nešto
06:15
that has never existed before.
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što nikada prije nije postojalo.
06:18
There's nothing more vulnerable than that.
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Ne postoji ništa ranjivije od toga.
06:21
Adaptability to change
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Prilagodljivost promjeni
06:23
is all about vulnerability.
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vezana je uz ranjivost.
06:25
The second thing,
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Druga stvar,
06:27
in addition to really finally understanding
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osim što napokon zaista razumijem
06:31
the relationship between vulnerability and courage,
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odnos između ranjivosti i hrabrosti,
06:33
the second thing I learned is this:
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druga stvar koju sam naučila jest ovo:
06:36
We have to talk about shame.
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Moramo govoriti o sramu.
06:41
And I'm going to be really honest with you.
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Bit ću vrlo iskrena s vama.
06:43
When I became a "vulnerability researcher"
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Kada sam postala „istraživač ranjivosti“
06:47
and that became the focus because of the TEDTalk --
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i na to su se ljudi usredotočili zbog TEDTalka --
06:50
and I'm not kidding.
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ne šalim se.
06:52
I'll give you an example.
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Dat ću vam primjer.
06:54
About three months ago, I was in a sporting goods store
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Prije otprilike tri mjeseca,
bila sam u trgovini sa sportskom opremom
bila sam u trgovini sa sportskom opremom
06:56
buying goggles and shin guards
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i kupovala zaštitne naočale i štitnike
06:58
and all the things that parents buy at the sporting goods store.
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i sve ostale stvari koje roditelji kupuju
u trgovini sa sportskom opremom.
u trgovini sa sportskom opremom.
07:01
About from a hundred feet away, this is what I hear:
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Na 30-ak metara od sebe, čula sam ovo:
07:04
"Vulnerability TED! Vulnerability TED!"
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„Ranjivost s TED-a! Ranjivost s TED-a!“
07:07
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
07:15
I'm a fifth generation Texan.
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Ja sam peta generacija Teksašana.
07:17
Our family motto is "Lock and load."
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Naš je obiteljski moto „Napuni i napni pušku.“
07:20
I am not a natural vulnerability researcher.
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Istraživanje ranjivosti nije mi došlo prirodno.
07:25
So I'm like,
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Odlučila sam samo
07:27
just keep walking, she's on my six.
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hodati dalje, a ona je bila negdje iza mene.
07:29
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
07:31
And then I hear, "Vulnerability TED!"
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I onda čujem: „Ranjivost s TED-a!“
07:35
I turn around, I go, "Hi."
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Okrenem se i kažem: „Bok.“
07:38
She's right here and she said,
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Ona stoji točno ispred mene i kaže:
07:40
"You're the shame researcher who had the breakdown."
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„Ti si istraživačica srama koja je imala slom.“
07:43
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
07:47
At this point
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U tom trenutku
07:49
parents are, like, pulling their children close.
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roditelji privlače svoju djecu k sebi.
07:53
"Look away."
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„Ne gledaj.“
07:57
And I'm so worn out at this point in my life,
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U tome sam trenutku svog života bila toliko iscrpljena
07:59
I look at her and I actually say,
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da sam je pogledala i rekla:
08:01
"It was a frickin' spiritual awakening."
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„Bilo je to prokleto duhovno buđenje!“
08:04
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
08:06
(Applause)
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(Pljesak)
08:08
And she looks back and does this,
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A ona me pogleda i napravi ovo:
08:10
"I know."
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„Znam“.
08:12
And she said,
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I kaže:
08:14
"We watched your TEDTalk in my book club.
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„Gledali smo tvoj TEDTalk u književnom klubu.
08:17
Then we read your book
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Nakon toga smo pročitali tvoju knjigu
08:19
and we renamed ourselves
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i promijenili ime u
08:21
'The Breakdown Babes.'"
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'Slomljeni komadi'.“
08:24
And she said, "Our tagline is:
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I rekla je: „Naš moto je:
08:26
'We're falling apart and it feels fantastic.'"
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'Raspadamo se, ali osjećaj je fantastičan.'“
08:30
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
08:33
You can only imagine
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Možete samo zamisliti
08:35
what it's like for me in a faculty meeting.
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kako mi je na sastancima nastavničkog osoblja.
08:40
So when I became Vulnerability TED,
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Kad sam postala Ranjivost s TED-a,
08:42
like an action figure --
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poput figurice akcijskog junaka –
08:45
like Ninja Barbie, but I'm Vulnerability TED --
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poput Ninja Barbike,
samo što sam ja Ranjivost s TED-a –
samo što sam ja Ranjivost s TED-a –
08:49
I thought, I'm going to leave that shame stuff behind,
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pomislila sam, ostavit ću
to sve sa sramom iza sebe
to sve sa sramom iza sebe
08:52
because I spent six years studying shame
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jer sam provela šest godina proučavajući sram
08:55
before I really started writing and talking about vulnerability.
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prije no što sam stvarno počela pisati i govoriti o ranjivosti.
08:58
And I thought, thank God, because shame is this horrible topic,
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I pomislila sam, hvala Bogu,
jer sram je grozna tema
jer sram je grozna tema
09:01
no one wants to talk about it.
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o kojoj nitko ne želi govoriti.
09:03
It's the best way to shut people down on an airplane.
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Tako ćete najlakše odbiti ljude u zrakoplovu.
09:05
"What do you do?" "I study shame." "Oh."
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„Čime se bavite?“ „Proučavam sram.“ „Aha.“
09:07
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
09:09
And I see you.
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I vidim vas.
09:11
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
09:17
But in surviving this last year,
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Ali preživljavajući prošlu godinu,
09:20
I was reminded of a cardinal rule --
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nešto me podsjetilo na glavno pravilo –
09:23
not a research rule,
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ne istraživačko pravilo,
09:26
but a moral imperative
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već moralni imperativ
09:28
from my upbringing --
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iz mog odgoja –
09:30
you've got to dance with the one who brung ya.
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drž' se onoga u čemu si dobar.
09:34
And I did not learn about vulnerability
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A ja nisam ništa naučila o ranjivosti,
09:36
and courage and creativity and innovation
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hrabrosti, kreativnosti i inovacijama
09:39
from studying vulnerability.
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proučavajući ranjivost.
09:42
I learned about these things
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Naučila sam nešto o tim stvarima
09:44
from studying shame.
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proučavajući sram.
09:46
And so I want to walk you in
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Stoga vas želim upoznati
09:48
to shame.
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sa sramom.
09:50
Jungian analysts call shame
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Jungovski analitičari zovu sram
09:53
the swampland of the soul.
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močvarom duše.
09:56
And we're going to walk in.
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A mi ćemo ušetati unutra.
09:58
And the purpose is not to walk in
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Svrha toga nije ušetati
10:00
and construct a home and live there.
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i ondje stvoriti dom i živjeti.
10:02
It is to put on some galoshes
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Svrha je da obujemo gumene čizme,
10:06
and walk through and find our way around.
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prođemo močvaru i snađemo se.
10:11
Here's why.
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Evo zašto.
10:15
We heard the most compelling call ever
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Čuli smo najsnažniji poziv za razgovorom
10:17
to have a conversation in this country,
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u ovoj zemlji,
10:20
and I think globally,
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a mislim i na cijelom svijetu,
10:22
around race, right?
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o pitanjima rase, zar ne?
10:24
Yes? We heard that.
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Da? Čuli smo to.
10:26
Yes?
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Da?
10:28
Cannot have that conversation without shame,
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Taj razgovor ne možete imati bez srama
10:31
because you cannot talk about race without talking about privilege.
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jer ne možete govoriti o rasi,
a da ne govorite o privilegijama.
a da ne govorite o privilegijama.
10:34
And when people start talking about privilege,
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A kad ljudi krenu govoriti o privilegijama,
10:37
they get paralyzed by shame.
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paralizira ih sram.
10:39
We heard a brilliant simple solution
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Čuli smo odlično jednostavno rješenje
10:41
to not killing people in surgery,
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kako ne ubiti ljude tijekom operacija,
10:43
which is have a checklist.
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a to je: imajte popis.
10:45
You can't fix that problem without addressing shame,
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Ne možete riješiti problem, a da ne spomenete sram
10:48
because when they teach those folks how to suture,
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jer kad oni te ljude uče kako šivati ranu,
10:52
they also teach them how to stitch their self-worth
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istovremeno ih uče i kako samopoštovanje povezati
10:55
to being all-powerful.
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sa svemoćnošću.
10:57
And all-powerful folks don't need checklists.
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A svemoćni ljudi ne trebaju popise.
11:02
And I had to write down the name of this TED Fellow
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Morala sam zapisati ime ovog TEDFellowa
11:04
so I didn't mess it up here.
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kako ne bih nešto zabrljala.
11:06
Myshkin Ingawale,
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Myshkin Ingawale,
11:08
I hope I did right by you.
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nadam se da sam dobro izgovorila.
11:10
(Applause)
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(Pljesak)
11:13
I saw the TED Fellows my first day here.
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Vidjela sam tog TEDFellowa prvog dana ovdje.
11:15
And he got up and he explained
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Ustao je i objasnio
11:17
how he was driven to create
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što ga je potaknulo da stvori
11:19
some technology to help test for anemia
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tehnologiju za testiranje na anemiju
11:21
because people were dying unnecessarily.
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jer su ljudi bespotrebno umirali.
11:23
And he said, "I saw this need.
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I rekao je: „Vidio sam tu potrebu.
11:25
So you know what I did? I made it."
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I znate što sam učinio? Napravio sam to.“
11:27
And everybody just burst into applause, and they were like "Yes!"
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Svi su počeli pljeskati i govorili su: „Da!“
11:30
And he said, "And it didn't work.
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A on je rekao: „I nije uspjelo.
11:33
And then I made it 32 more times,
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Onda sam to napravio još 32 puta
11:37
and then it worked."
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i onda je uspjelo.“
11:39
You know what the big secret about TED is?
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Znate koja je velika tajna TED-a?
11:41
I can't wait to tell people this.
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Jedva čekam da ovo kažem ljudima.
11:43
I guess I'm doing it right now.
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Mislim da to upravo i činim.
11:45
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
11:47
This is like the failure conference.
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Ovo je konferencija o neuspjehu.
11:49
No, it is.
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Ne, stvarno jest.
11:51
(Applause)
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(Pljesak)
11:54
You know why this place is amazing?
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Znate zašto je ovo mjesto toliko nevjerojatno?
11:57
Because very few people here
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Zato što se vrlo malo ljudi
11:59
are afraid to fail.
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boji neuspjeha.
12:01
And no one who gets on the stage, so far that I've seen, has not failed.
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Svi koji dođu na pozornicu, koliko sam
do sada vidjela, doživjeli su neuspjeh.
do sada vidjela, doživjeli su neuspjeh.
12:05
I've failed miserably, many times.
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Ja sam imala mnogo gadnih neuspjeha.
12:08
I don't think the world understands that
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Mislim da svijet to ne razumije
12:11
because of shame.
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zbog srama.
12:13
There's a great quote that saved me this past year
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Postoji odličan citat Theodorea Roosevelta
12:15
by Theodore Roosevelt.
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koji me spasio prošle godine.
12:18
A lot of people refer to it as the "Man in the Arena" quote.
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Mnogo ljudi ga zna kao citat „Čovjek u borilištu“.
12:21
And it goes like this:
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Ide ovako:
12:23
"It is not the critic who counts.
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„Nije važan kritičar.
12:25
It is not the man who sits and points out
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Nije važan čovjek koji sjedi i ističe
12:28
how the doer of deeds could have done things better
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kako je činitelj djela mogao nešto učiniti bolje
12:30
and how he falls and stumbles.
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i kako pada i spotiče se.
12:32
The credit goes to the man in the arena
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Važan je čovjek u borilištu
12:35
whose face is marred
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čije je lice uprljano
12:37
with dust and blood and sweat.
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prašinom, krvlju i znojem.
12:40
But when he's in the arena,
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No, kad je u borilištu,
12:42
at best he wins,
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u najboljem slučaju pobjeđuje,
12:45
and at worst he loses,
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a u najgorem gubi,
12:48
but when he fails, when he loses,
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ali kada doživi neuspjeh, kad izgubi,
12:50
he does so daring greatly."
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on to čini s tolikom odvažnošću.“
12:53
And that's what this conference, to me, is about.
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Meni je u tome poanta ove konferencije.
12:56
That's what life is about, about daring greatly,
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O tome se radi i u životu, o velikoj odvažnosti,
12:58
about being in the arena.
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o stajanju u borilištu.
13:00
When you walk up to that arena and you put your hand on the door,
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Kada hodate prema borilištu
i stavite ruku na vrata
i stavite ruku na vrata
13:03
and you think, "I'm going in and I'm going to try this,"
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i pomislite: „Ući ću i pokušat ću,“
13:05
shame is the gremlin
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sram je gremlin
13:07
who says, "Uh, uh.
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koji kaže: „Ne, ne.
13:09
You're not good enough.
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Nisi dovoljno dobar.
13:11
You never finished that MBA. Your wife left you.
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Nisi završio magisterij. Žena te ostavila.
13:14
I know your dad really wasn't in Luxembourg,
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Znam da ti tata zapravo nije bio u Luxembourgu,
13:16
he was in Sing Sing.
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bio je u Sing Singu (*zatvor).
13:20
I know those things that happened to you growing up.
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Znam stvari koje su ti se dogodile dok si odrastao.
13:23
I know you don't think that you're pretty enough
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Znam da ne misliš da si dovoljno lijep,
13:25
or smart enough or talented enough or powerful enough.
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dovoljno pametan, talentiran ili snažan.
13:28
I know your dad never paid attention, even when you made CFO."
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Znam da tata nikad nije obraćao pažnju na tebe,
čak ni kad si postao financijski direktor.“
čak ni kad si postao financijski direktor.“
13:32
Shame is that thing.
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Sram je upravo to.
13:35
And if we can quiet it down and walk in
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Ako ga možemo ušutkati i ušetati
13:38
and say, "I'm going to do this,"
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i reći: „Učinit ću to“,
13:42
we look up and the critic that we see
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vidjet ćemo da je kritičar
13:44
pointing and laughing,
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koji upire prstom i smije se
13:46
99 percent of the time is who?
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u 99% slučajeva - tko?
13:49
Us.
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Mi.
13:52
Shame drives two big tapes --
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Sram nosi dva velika natpisa –
13:54
"never good enough"
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„nikad dovoljno dobar“
13:56
and, if you can talk it out of that one,
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i, ako ga uspijete odgovoriti od toga,
13:58
"who do you think you are?"
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„što misliš tko si ti?“
14:02
The thing to understand about shame is it's not guilt.
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Ono što morate razumijeti u vezi srama
jest to da to nije krivnja.
jest to da to nije krivnja.
14:04
Shame is a focus on self, guilt is a focus on behavior.
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Sram je usredotočenje na sebe,
krivnja je usredotočenje na ponašanje.
krivnja je usredotočenje na ponašanje.
14:07
Shame is "I am bad."
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Sram je: „Ja sam loš.“
14:09
Guilt is "I did something bad."
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Krivnja je: „Učinio sam nešto loše.“
14:12
How many of you,
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Koliko bi vas,
14:14
if you did something that was hurtful to me,
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kad biste mi nekako naškodili,
14:16
would be willing to say, "I'm sorry. I made a mistake?"
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bilo spremno reći: „Žao mi je. Pogriješio sam"?
14:18
How many of you would be willing to say that?
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Koliko bi vas bilo spremno to reći?
14:21
Guilt: I'm sorry. I made a mistake.
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Krivnja: Žao mi je. Pogriješio sam.
14:24
Shame: I'm sorry. I am a mistake.
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Sram: Žao mi je. Ja sam greška.
14:28
There's a huge difference between shame and guilt.
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Ogromna je razlika između srama i krivnje.
14:30
And here's what you need to know.
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I evo što morate znati.
14:32
Shame is highly, highly correlated
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Sram je u velikoj, velikoj uzajamnoj vezi
14:35
with addiction, depression, violence, aggression,
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s ovisnošću, depresijom, nasiljem, agresijom,
14:38
bullying, suicide, eating disorders.
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zlostavljanjem, samoubojstvom,
poremećajima u prehrani.
poremećajima u prehrani.
14:42
And here's what you even need to know more.
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A evo što trebate znati još i više.
14:44
Guilt, inversely correlated with those things.
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Krivnja je obrnuto proporcionalno
povezana s tim stvarima.
povezana s tim stvarima.
14:49
The ability to hold something we've done or failed to do
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Sposobnost da uspoređujemo nešto
u čemu smo uspjeli ili u čemu nismo uspjeli
u čemu smo uspjeli ili u čemu nismo uspjeli
14:52
up against who we want to be
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s onime što želimo biti
14:54
is incredibly adaptive.
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nevjerojatno je prilagodljiva.
14:56
It's uncomfortable, but it's adaptive.
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Nelagodna je, ali je prilagodljiva.
15:02
The other thing you need to know about shame
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Druga stvar koju trebate znati o sramu
15:04
is it's absolutely organized by gender.
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jest da je potpuno organiziran po spolu.
15:07
If shame washes over me and washes over Chris,
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Ako sram preplavi mene i preplavi Chrisa,
15:10
it's going to feel the same.
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osjećat ćemo isto.
15:13
Everyone sitting in here knows the warm wash of shame.
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Svi koji ovdje sjede znaju kako izgleda
kad vas preplavi topli val srama.
kad vas preplavi topli val srama.
15:16
We're pretty sure that the only people who don't experience shame
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Prilično smo sigurni da su
jedini ljudi koji ne doživljavaju sram
jedini ljudi koji ne doživljavaju sram
15:18
are people who have no capacity
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ljudi koji nemaju sposobnost
15:20
for connection or empathy.
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za povezanost ili empatiju.
15:22
Which means, yes, I have a little shame;
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Što znači, da, imam malo srama;
15:24
no, I'm a sociopath.
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ne, sociopat sam.
15:26
So I would opt for, yes, you have a little shame.
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Ja bih se odlučila za da, imate malo srama.
15:32
Shame feels the same for men and women,
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Sram jednako osjećaju muškarci i žene,
15:34
but it's organized by gender.
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ali organiziran je po spolu.
15:36
For women,
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Kod žena,
15:38
the best example I can give you
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najbolji primjer koji vam mogu dati
15:40
is Enjoli
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jest reklama
15:42
the commercial:
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za parfem Enjoli:
15:44
"I can put the wash on the line,
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„Mogu staviti odjeću na sušenje,
15:46
pack the lunches, hand out the kisses
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spakirati užine, podijeliti poljupce
15:48
and be at work at five to nine.
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i biti na poslu od pet do devet.
15:50
I can bring home the bacon, fry it up in the pan
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Mogu donositi novac u kuću i trošiti ga
15:53
and never let you forget you're a man."
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i ne dopustiti da zaboraviš da si muškarac.“
15:56
For women, shame is do it all,
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Za žene, sram je učiniti sve,
15:58
do it perfectly
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učiniti to savršeno
16:00
and never let them see you sweat.
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i ne dopustiti da ljudi vide da se znojite.
16:03
I don't know how much perfume that commercial sold,
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Ne znam koliko je parfema ta reklama prodala,
16:06
but I guarantee you,
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ali vam garantiram
16:08
it moved a lot of antidepressants and anti-anxiety meds.
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da je uklonila mnogo antidepresiva
i lijekova protiv tjeskobe.
i lijekova protiv tjeskobe.
16:10
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
16:14
Shame, for women, is this web
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Sram je, za žene, neka mreža
16:17
of unobtainable, conflicting, competing expectations
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nedohvatljivih, kontradiktornih,
natjecateljskih očekivanja
natjecateljskih očekivanja
16:20
about who we're supposed to be.
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o tome tko bismo trebale biti.
16:24
And it's a straight-jacket.
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A to je djeluje poput luđačke košulje.
16:26
For men,
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Za muškarce,
16:28
shame is not a bunch of competing, conflicting expectations.
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sram nije hrpa natjecateljskih,
kontradiktornih očekivanja.
kontradiktornih očekivanja.
16:31
Shame is one,
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Sram je jedno:
16:33
do not be perceived as what?
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da ih se ne smatra kakvima?
16:36
Weak.
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Slabima.
16:38
I did not interview men for the first four years of my study.
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Prve četiri godine svojeg istraživanja
nisam intervjuirala muškarce.
nisam intervjuirala muškarce.
16:41
And it wasn't until a man looked at me one day after a book signing,
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Tek kad me jedan muškarac pogledao
jednog dana nakon potpisivanja knjige
jednog dana nakon potpisivanja knjige
16:43
said, "I love what you have to say about shame,
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i rekao: „Sviđa mi se to što imate za reći o sramu
16:45
I'm curious why you didn't mention men."
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i zanima me zašto niste spomenuli muškarce.“
16:47
And I said, "I don't study men."
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A ja sam rekla: „Ne proučavam muškarce.“
16:50
And he said, "That's convenient."
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A on je rekao: „To je zgodno.“
16:52
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
16:55
And I said, "Why?"
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A ja sam rekla: „Zašto?“
16:57
And he said, "Because you say to reach out,
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Na što je on rekao:
„Zato što govorite kako treba istupiti,
„Zato što govorite kako treba istupiti,
17:00
tell our story,
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ispričati svoju priču,
17:02
be vulnerable.
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biti ranjiv.
17:05
But you see those books you just signed
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Ali vidite te knjige koje ste upravo potpisali
17:07
for my wife and my three daughters?"
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za moju ženu i tri kćeri?“
17:09
I said, "Yeah."
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Rekla sam: „Da.“
17:11
"They'd rather me die on top of my white horse
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„Radije bi vidjele da umrem na svom bijelom konju
17:14
than watch me fall down.
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nego da me gledaju kako padam.
17:17
When we reach out and be vulnerable
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Kad istupimo i budemo ranjivi,
17:20
we get the shit beat out of us.
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prebiju nas.
17:22
And don't tell me
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I nemojte mi reći
17:24
it's from the guys and the coaches and the dads,
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da je to do tipova i trenera i očeva
17:28
because the women in my life are harder on me than anyone else."
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jer žene u mom životu
od mene očekuju više nego itko drugi.“
od mene očekuju više nego itko drugi.“
17:32
So I started interviewing men
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Tako sam počela intervjuirati muškarce
17:34
and asking questions.
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i postavljati pitanja.
17:36
And what I learned is this:
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I naučila sam ovo:
17:39
You show me a woman who can actually sit with a man
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Žena koja može sjediti s muškarcem
17:41
in real vulnerability and fear,
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koji je zaista ranjiv i prestrašen
17:43
I'll show you a woman who's done incredible work.
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napravila je nevjerojatan posao.
17:47
You show me a man who can sit with a woman
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Muškarac koji može sjediti sa ženom
17:49
who's just had it,
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koja se upravo slomila,
17:51
she can't do it all anymore,
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koja više ne može sve to izdržati,
17:54
and his first response is not,
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a njegov prvi odgovor nije
17:56
"I unloaded the dishwasher,"
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„Ispraznio sam perilicu posuđa“,
17:59
but he really listens --
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nego je stvarno sluša –
18:02
because that's all we need --
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jer to je sve što nam treba –
18:04
I'll show you a guy who's done a lot of work.
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to je muškarac koji je napravio velik posao.
18:06
Shame is an epidemic in our culture.
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Sram je epidemija našeg društva.
18:11
And to get out from underneath it,
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Kako bismo se izvukli iz njega,
18:16
to find our way back to each other,
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pronašli svoj put natrag jedni drugima,
18:18
we have to understand how it affects us
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moramo razumijeti kako on utječe na nas
18:20
and how it affects the way we're parenting,
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i kako utječe na način na koji odgajamo djecu,
18:23
the way we're working, the way we're looking at each other.
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način na koji radimo,
način na koji gledamo jedni druge.
način na koji gledamo jedni druge.
18:27
Very quickly, some research by Mahalik at Boston College.
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Vrlo brzo, imamo Mahalikovo istraživanje
na Sveučilištu u Bostonu.
na Sveučilištu u Bostonu.
18:31
He asked, what do women need to do to conform to female norms?
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Pitao je što ženama treba
da bi se prilagodile ženskim normama?
da bi se prilagodile ženskim normama?
18:34
The top answers in this country:
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Glavni odgovori u ovoj zemlji:
18:38
nice, thin, modest
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draga, mršava, skromna
18:40
and use all available resources for appearance.
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i trošenje svih sredstava na izgled.
18:43
When he asked about men,
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Kad je pitao za muškarce,
18:45
what do men in this country need to do
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što muškarci u ovoj zemlji trebaju
18:47
to conform with male norms,
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kako bi se prilagodili muškim normama,
18:49
the answers were:
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odgovori su bili:
18:51
always show emotional control, work is first,
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uvijek pokazati emocionalnu kontrolu,
rad je na prvom mjestu,
rad je na prvom mjestu,
18:54
pursue status and violence.
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podizati status i biti nasilan.
18:57
If we're going to find our way back to each other,
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Ako želimo pronaći put jedni do drugih,
19:00
we have to understand and know empathy,
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moramo razumijeti i poznavati empatiju
19:03
because empathy's the antidote to shame.
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zato što je empatija protuotrov za sram.
19:05
If you put shame in a Petri dish,
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Ako stavite sram u Petrijevu zdjelicu,
19:07
it needs three things to grow exponentially:
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trebaju mu tri stvari za eksponencijalni rast:
19:10
secrecy, silence and judgment.
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tajnost, tišina i osuđivanje.
19:12
If you put the same amount of shame in a Petri dish and douse it with empathy,
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Ako istu količinu srama stavite u Petrijevu zdjelicu
i uronite ga u empatiju,
i uronite ga u empatiju,
19:15
it can't survive.
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ne može preživjeti.
19:17
The two most powerful words when we're in struggle:
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Tri najmoćnije riječi kad se s nečim borimo:
19:20
me too.
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i ja isto.
19:22
And so I'll leave you with this thought.
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Ostavit ću vas s tom mišlju.
19:25
If we're going to find our way
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Ako želimo pronaći put
19:27
back to each other,
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jedni do drugih,
19:30
vulnerability is going to be that path.
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ranjivost će biti taj put.
19:34
And I know it's seductive to stand outside the arena,
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Znam da je primamljivo stajati izvan borilišta,
19:36
because I think I did it my whole life,
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mislim da sam to radila cijeli život
19:38
and think to myself,
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i mislim si:
19:40
I'm going to go in there and kick some ass
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ući ću unutra i sve ih razbiti
19:42
when I'm bulletproof and when I'm perfect.
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kad budem neprobojna i savršena.
19:46
And that is seductive.
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A to je primamljivo.
19:48
But the truth is that never happens.
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Ali to se nikad neće dogoditi.
19:51
And even if you got as perfect as you could
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Čak i ako ste najsavršeniji što možete biti
19:53
and as bulletproof as you could possibly muster
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i najneprobojniji što možete biti,
19:55
when you got in there,
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kad uđete unutra,
19:57
that's not what we want to see.
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to nije ono što želimo vidjeti.
20:01
We want you to go in.
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Želimo da uđete.
20:04
We want to be with you and across from you.
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Želimo biti s vama i nasuprot vas.
20:07
And we just want,
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I samo želimo,
20:09
for ourselves and the people we care about
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za sebe i ljude do kojih nam je stalo
20:11
and the people we work with,
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i ljude s kojima radimo
20:13
to dare greatly.
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da imaju veliku odvažnost.
20:15
So thank you all very much. I really appreciate it.
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Puno vam hvala svima. Zaista to cijenim.
20:18
(Applause)
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(Pljesak)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Brené Brown - Vulnerability researcherBrené Brown studies vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame.
Why you should listen
Brené Brown is a research professor at the University of Houston Graduate College of Social Work. She has spent the past ten years studying vulnerability, courage, authenticity, and shame. She spent the first five years of her decade-long study focusing on shame and empathy, and is now using that work to explore a concept that she calls Wholeheartedness. She poses the questions:
How do we learn to embrace our vulnerabilities and imperfections so that we can engage in our lives from a place of authenticity and worthiness? How do we cultivate the courage, compassion, and connection that we need to recognize that we are enough – that we are worthy of love, belonging, and joy?
Brené Brown | Speaker | TED.com