ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Helen Fisher - Anthropologist, expert on love
Anthropologist Helen Fisher studies gender differences and the evolution of human emotions. She’s best known as an expert on romantic love.

Why you should listen

Fisher's several books lay bare the mysteries of our most treasured emotion: its evolution, its biochemical foundations and its vital importance to human society. Fisher describes love as a universal human drive (stronger than the sex drive; stronger than thirst or hunger; stronger perhaps than the will to live), and her many areas of inquiry shed light on timeless human mysteries like why we choose one partner over another. Her classic study, Anatomy of Love, first published in 1992, has just been re-issued in a fully updated edition, including her recent neuroimaging research on lust, romantic love and attachment as well as discussions of sexting, hooking up, friends with benefits, other contemporary trends in courtship and marriage, and a dramatic current trend she calls “slow love.”

More profile about the speaker
Helen Fisher | Speaker | TED.com
TEDSummit

Helen Fisher: Technology hasn't changed love. Here's why

海伦·费雪: 科技并没有改变爱,让我告诉你原因

Filmed:
2,072,351 views

人类学家海伦·费雪表示,在如今这个技术推动、相互关联的世界,人类发展了许多新的求爱方式和规则,但爱的最重要的原则始终保持一致。在这篇富于激情的演讲中,海伦向我们全盘揭秘最前沿爱情方式,以及如今更快速的认识方式如何导致情侣关系发展更加缓慢。请别忘观看结尾爱情专家诶斯特·佩雷尔与海伦的生动讨论。
- Anthropologist, expert on love
Anthropologist Helen Fisher studies gender differences and the evolution of human emotions. She’s best known as an expert on romantic love. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:12
I was recently最近 traveling旅行
in the Highlands高地 of New Guinea几内亚,
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最近,我正在新几内亚高地旅行
00:15
and I was talking with a man
who had three wives妻子.
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我访谈了一位有三个老婆的人
00:18
I asked him, "How many许多 wives妻子
would you like to have?"
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我问他:“你想要多少个老婆?”
00:22
And there was this long pause暂停,
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他停顿了很长时间
00:23
and I thought to myself,
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我就想
00:25
"Is he going to say five?
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“他会说5个?
00:26
Is he going to say 10?
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还是10个?
00:28
Is he going to say 25?"
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或许是25个呢?“”
00:29
And he leaned凑近 towards me
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结果他靠过来
00:31
and he whispered低声道, "None没有."
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小声说道:“一个都不想要。”
00:32
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
00:35
Eighty-six86 percent百分 of human人的 societies社会
permit许可证 a man to have several一些 wives妻子:
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当今,86%的人类社会允许
男人有好几个妻子:
00:39
polygenypolygeny.
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一夫多妻
00:41
But in the vast广大 majority多数
of these cultures文化,
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但在大多数这些社会中,
00:43
only about five or ten percent百分 of men男人
actually其实 do have several一些 wives妻子.
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有多个妻子的男性仅达5%~10%
00:47
Having several一些 partners伙伴
can be a toothache牙疼.
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有多个伴侣可是件头疼的事
00:49
In fact事实, co-wives共同妻子 can
fight斗争 with each other,
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事实上,妻子们之间会产生争执
00:53
sometimes有时 they can even poison
each other's其他 children孩子.
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有时甚至会毒害对方的孩子
00:56
And you've got to have
a lot of cows奶牛, a lot of goats山羊,
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而且你必须得有很多的牛羊
00:59
a lot of money, a lot of land土地,
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大量金钱和土地
01:01
in order订购 to build建立 a harem闺房.
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才能建立起一个妻妾成群的闺房
01:03
We are a pair-bonding一对接合 species种类.
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我们是双纽带的种群
01:05
Ninety-seven九十七 percent百分 of mammals哺乳动物
do not pair up to rear their young年轻;
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97%的哺乳动物不用成双成对地抚育儿女
01:08
human人的 beings众生 do.
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但人类却是这样的
01:10
I'm not suggesting提示 that we're not --
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我并不是建议
01:13
that we're necessarily一定
sexually faithful可信 to our partners伙伴.
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人类在性方面无需忠诚彼此
01:16
I've looked看着 at adultery通奸 in 42 cultures文化,
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但在研究了42种文化中的外遇行为之后
01:18
I understand理解, actually其实,
some of the genetics遗传学 of it,
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我明白了 其中有基因的原因
01:21
and some of the brain circuitry电路 of it.
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而有一些则是大脑回路的问题
01:23
It's very common共同 around the world世界,
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整个世界都非常普遍
01:25
but we are built内置 to love.
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但爱是我们与生俱来的能力
01:27
How is technology技术 changing改变 love?
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科技改变了爱吗?
01:31
I'm going to say almost几乎 not at all.
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我认为没有
01:34
I study研究 the brain.
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我从事大脑研究
01:36
I and my colleagues同事 have put
over 100 people into a brain scanner扫描器 --
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我和我的同事们对100多人进行了大脑扫描
01:39
people who had just
fallen堕落 happily高高兴兴 in love,
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包括那些刚刚陷入爱情的人
01:42
people who had just been rejected拒绝 in love
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在爱情里受挫的人
01:44
and people who are in love long-term长期.
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以及长期沉浸在爱之中的人
01:46
And it is possible可能
to remain "in love" long-term长期.
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是的,长期处于热恋期是有可能的
01:50
And I've long ago maintained保持
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很早之前我就说过
01:52
that we've我们已经 evolved进化 three distinctly历历
different不同 brain systems系统
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人类在求爱和繁殖过程中
01:55
for mating交配 and reproduction再生产:
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进化出了三个截然不同的大脑系统:
01:57
sex性别 drive驾驶,
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性驱动
01:58
feelings情怀 of intense激烈 romantic浪漫 love
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感受浓烈的浪漫
02:00
and feelings情怀 of deep cosmic宇宙的
attachment附件 to a long-term长期 partner伙伴.
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以及对长期伴侣深层的强烈的依赖感
02:04
And together一起, these three brain systems系统 --
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这三种大脑系统
02:06
with many许多 other parts部分 of the brain --
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和大脑中的其他部分结合起来
02:09
orchestrate编排 our sexual有性,
our romantic浪漫 and our family家庭 lives生活.
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控制着人类性、爱情以及家庭生活
02:14
But they lie谎言 way below下面 the cortex皮质,
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但它们深藏在皮层下
02:16
way below下面 the limbic边缘 system系统
where we feel our emotions情绪,
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在边缘系统下,即人类感受情感
02:21
generate生成 our emotions情绪.
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发泄情绪的区域
02:22
They lie谎言 in the most primitive原始 parts部分
of the brain, linked关联 with energy能源,
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它们位于大脑中最原始的位置
02:27
focus焦点, craving, motivation动机,
wanting希望 and drive驾驶.
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和能量 注意力 渴望度 动力
欲望及能动性相连
02:32
In this case案件,
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在这里
02:33
the drive驾驶 to win赢得 life's人生 greatest最大 prize:
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便是为了赢得人生最大奖的动力
02:36
a mating交配 partner伙伴.
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一位配偶
02:37
They evolved进化 over 4.4 million百万 years年份 ago
among其中 our first ancestors祖先,
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这些大脑系统早在440万年前
就从人类最早的祖先中演化而来
02:42
and they're not going to change更改
if you swipe刷卡 left or right on Tinder火种.
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而不管你怎么在Tinder(社交软件)上滑屏
它们都不会发生变化
02:46
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
02:48
(Applause掌声)
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(掌声)
02:50
There's no question that technology技术
is changing改变 the way we court法庭:
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可以肯定的一点是
科技正在改变人类的求爱方式
02:55
emailing电子邮件, texting发短信,
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电子邮件 短信
02:57
emojis表情符号 to express表现 your emotions情绪,
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表达情感的符号
02:59
sexting发色情短信,
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色情短信
03:00
"liking喜欢" a photograph照片, selfies自拍 ...
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给照片或自拍点赞...
03:03
We're seeing眼看 new rules规则
and taboos禁忌 for how to court法庭.
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关于如何求爱有了新的规则和禁忌
03:07
But, you know --
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但是
03:09
is this actually其实
dramatically显着 changing改变 love?
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这真的彻底改变了爱吗?
03:13
What about the late晚了 1940s,
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来看看上个世纪40年代
03:16
when the automobile汽车 became成为 very popular流行
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那时候汽车刚大行其道
03:18
and we suddenly突然 had rolling压延 bedrooms卧室?
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顿时 人们便有了“可移动卧室”
03:21
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
03:22
How about the introduction介绍
of the birth分娩 control控制 pill?
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再来看看引进避孕药的时代
03:27
Unchained奔放 from the great threat威胁
of pregnancy怀孕 and social社会 ruin废墟,
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因为意外怀孕而导致
人生从此惨淡的日子一去不复返
03:32
women妇女 could finally最后 express表现
their primitive原始 and primal原始 sexuality性欲.
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女性终于可以释放她们最原始的性本能
03:37
Even dating约会 sites网站 are not changing改变 love.
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就连征婚网站的出现都没有改变爱
03:40
I'm Chief首席 Scientific科学 Advisor顾问 to Match比赛.comCOM,
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我在Match.com作首席科学顾问
03:43
I've been it for 11 years年份.
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已经11年了
03:45
I keep telling告诉 them
and they agree同意 with me,
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我一直宣导
而工作人员也认同我的意见
03:47
that these are not dating约会 sites网站,
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即这并不是一个征婚网站
03:48
they are introducing引入 sites网站.
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这是个介绍网站
03:51
When you sit down in a bar酒吧,
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当你走进酒吧
03:53
in a coffee咖啡 house,
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咖啡馆
03:54
on a park公园 bench长凳,
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或坐在公园的长椅时
03:56
your ancient brain snaps按扣 into action行动
like a sleeping睡眠 cat awakened惊醒,
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你的大脑会立即开始反应
就像一只沉睡的猫被唤醒一样
04:01
and you smile微笑
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你开始微笑
04:02
and laugh
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大笑
04:03
and listen
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试着倾听
04:05
and parade游行 the way our ancestors祖先
did 100,000 years年份 ago.
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用那些早在10万年前
我们的祖先就使用的方式来炫耀
04:10
We can give you various各个 people --
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我们可以提供各式各样的对象
04:12
all the dating约会 sites网站 can --
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所有的征婚网站都可以
04:13
but the only real真实 algorithm算法
is your own拥有 human人的 brain.
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但唯一真实的算法却是你的大脑
04:17
Technology技术 is not going to change更改 that.
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科技改变不了这一点
04:21
Technology技术 is also not going to change更改
who you choose选择 to love.
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同样它也改变不了你的择偶对象
04:25
I study研究 the biology生物学 of personality个性,
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我研究生物心理学
04:28
and I've come to believe
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我开始相信
04:29
that we've我们已经 evolved进化 four very broad广阔
styles款式 of thinking思维 and behaving行为,
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人类已经进化出了
四个广义的思考及行为方式,
04:33
linked关联 with the dopamine多巴胺, serotonin血清素,
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和多巴胺、血清素
04:35
testosterone睾酮 and estrogen雌激素 systems系统.
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睾丸激素和雌激素系统相关联
04:38
So I created创建 a questionnaire调查问卷
directly from brain science科学
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于是,基于脑科学原理
我设计了一份问卷
04:42
to measure测量 the degree to which哪一个
you express表现 the traits性状 --
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用来衡量人们表达特征的程度-
04:45
the constellation星座 of traits性状 --
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-各种特征-
04:47
linked关联 with each
of these four brain systems系统.
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与这四种大脑系统的关联性
04:50
I then put that questionnaire调查问卷
on various各个 dating约会 sites网站
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在40个国家的各种征婚网站上
04:55
in 40 countries国家.
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刊登了这份问卷
04:57
Fourteen十四 million百万 or more people
have now taken采取 the questionnaire调查问卷,
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目前,已有1400多万人参与了问卷调查
05:01
and I've been able能够 to watch
who's谁是 naturally自然 drawn to whom.
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我有幸可以观察那些天生相互吸引的人
05:06
And as it turns out,
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结果是
05:07
those who were very expressive表现的
of the dopamine多巴胺 system系统
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那些多巴胺系统反应活跃的人
05:10
tend趋向 to be curious好奇, creative创作的,
spontaneous自发, energetic有活力 --
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更有好奇心,富有创意,自然率真,且精力充沛
05:13
I would imagine想像 there's an awful可怕 lot
of people like that in this room房间 --
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我想现场在座肯定有很多人属于这一类型
05:17
they're drawn to people like themselves他们自己.
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他们通常被同类人所吸引
05:19
Curious好奇, creative创作的 people
need people like themselves他们自己.
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好奇且有创意的人需要和同类在一起
05:22
People who are very expressive表现的
of the serotonin血清素 system系统
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那些血清素系统反应活跃的人
05:25
tend趋向 to be traditional传统, conventional常规,
they follow跟随 the rules规则,
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往往更加传统,遵循惯例与规则,
05:28
they respect尊重 authority权威,
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尊重权威
05:30
they tend趋向 to be religious宗教 -- religiosity笃信
is in the serotonin血清素 system系统 --
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他们通常笃信宗教
—宗教信仰正属于血清素系统—
05:33
and traditional传统 people
go for traditional传统 people.
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传统派自然找传统派的人
05:36
In that way, similarity相似 attracts吸引.
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如此一来 是同类相吸
05:39
In the other two cases, opposites对立 attract吸引.
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而其他两种情况则完全相反
对立性才有吸引力
05:41
People very expressive表现的
of the testosterone睾酮 system系统
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睾丸激素系统反应活跃的人
05:44
tend趋向 to be analytical分析,
logical合乎逻辑, direct直接, decisive决定性,
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通常善于分析 逻辑思维强 直接 果断
05:48
and they go for their opposite对面:
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而他们寻找的是和他们对立的人
05:49
they go for somebody who's谁是 high estrogen雌激素,
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那些雌激素高的人
05:51
somebody who's谁是 got very good verbal口头 skills技能
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他们语言能力很强,
05:54
and people skills技能,
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善于处理人际关系,
05:55
who's谁是 very intuitive直观的
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凭直觉行事,
05:56
and who's谁是 very nurturing培育
and emotionally感情上 expressive表现的.
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且善于照顾他人,且直抒胸怀
06:00
We have natural自然 patterns模式 of mate伴侣 choice选择.
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人类择偶有自然模式
06:03
Modern现代 technology技术 is not going
to change更改 who we choose选择 to love.
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现代技术不会改变我们选择的对象
06:09
But technology技术 is producing生产
one modern现代 trend趋势
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但科技正在制造一种当代潮流
06:12
that I find particularly尤其 important重要.
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我认为它尤为重要
06:14
It's associated相关 with the concept概念
of paradox悖论 of choice选择.
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它和选择悖论这一概念相关
06:18
For millions百万 of years年份,
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千万年来,
06:19
we lived生活 in little hunting狩猎
and gathering搜集 groups.
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人类都生活在小型狩猎及采集社会
06:22
You didn't have the opportunity机会 to choose选择
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那时的人没有机会在社交网站上
06:24
between之间 1,000 people on a dating约会 site现场.
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千里挑一 选择对象
06:28
In fact事实, I've been studying研究 this recently最近,
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事实上 从我最近对此的研究来看
06:30
and I actually其实 think there's some
sort分类 of sweet spot in the brain;
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我认为大脑中有某种“最佳状态点”
06:33
I don't know what it is, but apparently显然地,
from reading a lot of the data数据,
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虽然我并不知道在哪儿
但从大量数据来看
06:37
we can embrace拥抱 about five
to nine alternatives备择方案, and after that,
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人类只能接受大概5~9个选项
在此之后
06:42
you get into what academics学者
call "cognitive认知 overload超载,"
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会变成某些学者称的“认知超载”
06:45
and you don't choose选择 any.
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结果是不再做出选择
06:48
So I've come to think that due应有
to this cognitive认知 overload超载,
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于是,我想正是由于这种认知超载
06:51
we're ushering迎来 in a new form形成 of courtship求爱
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我们引进了一种新型求爱方式
06:54
that I call "slow love."
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我称其为“慢慢爱”
06:57
I arrived到达 at this during
my work with Match比赛.comCOM.
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这些都是我在
Match.com工作时总结出来的
07:01
Every一切 year for the last six years年份,
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过去六年中
07:03
we've我们已经 doneDONE a study研究 called
"Singles单打 in America美国."
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我们做了一项研究 名为“美国单身”
07:05
We don't poll轮询 the Match比赛 population人口,
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我们民调的对象
不仅针对Match.com的会员
07:07
we poll轮询 the American美国 population人口.
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而是整个美国人口
07:09
We use 5,000-plus-加 people,
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我们调查了5000多人
07:12
a representative代表 sample样品 of Americans美国人
based基于 on the US census人口调查.
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这是基于美国统计局的代表性样本
07:16
We've我们已经 got data数据 now on over 30,000 people,
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目前已收集了超过3万人的数据
07:19
and every一切 single year,
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每年
07:21
I see some of the same相同 patterns模式.
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我都看到同样的模式
07:24
Every一切 single year when I ask the question,
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向他们提问的结果是
07:27
over 50 percent百分 of people
have had a one-night一夜 stand --
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超过50%的人有一夜情的经历
07:30
not necessarily一定 last year,
but in their lives生活 --
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并不一定是上一年
而是他们一生中
07:32
50 percent百分 have had
a friends朋友 with benefits好处
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在他们的有生之年
07:35
during the course课程 of their lives生活,
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50%的人曾经和朋友上过床
07:36
and over 50 percent百分 have lived生活
with a person long-term长期
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超过50%的人在婚前有过
07:40
before marrying结婚.
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长期同居的经历
07:41
Americans美国人 think that this is reckless鲁莽.
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美国人认为这是轻率的行为
07:43
I have doubted怀疑 that for a long time;
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但我一直不这么认为
07:46
the patterns模式 are too strong强大.
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毕竟这种模式太普遍
07:48
There's got to be some
Darwinian达尔文 explanation说明 --
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肯定有某种类似于达尔文生物进化的地方
07:51
Not that many许多 people are crazy.
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总不会是那么多人都丧失了理智?
07:53
And I stumbled迷迷糊糊, then, on a statistic统计
that really came来了 home to me.
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结果我发现了一个震惊的数据
07:58
It was a very interesting有趣 academic学术的 article文章
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一篇极其有趣的学术文章
08:00
in which哪一个 I found发现 that 67 percent百分
of singles单打 in America美国 today今天
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发现67%的处于长期同居的
08:05
who are living活的 long-term长期 with somebody,
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美国未婚人士
08:08
have not yet然而 married已婚 because
they are terrified of divorce离婚.
172
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之所以还未结婚是因为担心离婚
08:12
They're terrified of the social社会,
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他们担心离婚后面对的社会
08:14
legal法律, emotional情绪化,
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法律 情感
08:15
economic经济 consequences后果 of divorce离婚.
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以及经济后果
08:18
So I came来了 to realize实现 that I don't think
this is recklessness鲁莽;
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于是 我认识到这并不是轻率的行为
08:22
I think it's caution警告.
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而是谨慎
08:24
Today's今天的 singles单打 want to know
every一切 single thing about a partner伙伴
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如今 人们在结婚之前
08:29
before they wed星期三.
179
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想对其伴侣的每一个细节了如指掌
08:31
You learn学习 a lot between之间 the sheets床单,
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同居能让人了解到许多事情
08:33
not only about how somebody makes品牌 love,
181
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不仅是对方的床上功夫
08:35
but whether是否 they're kind,
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而是对方是否善良
08:37
whether是否 they can listen
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是否善于倾听
08:38
and at my age年龄,
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以及 到了我这个年纪所关心的
08:39
whether是否 they've他们已经 got a sense of humor幽默.
185
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就是对方是否有幽默感
08:41
(Laughter笑声)
186
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(笑声)
08:43
And in an age年龄 where we have
too many许多 choices选择,
187
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当今社会 人们有很多选择
08:47
we have very little fear恐惧
of pregnancy怀孕 and disease疾病
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很少为怀孕或疾病感到担忧
08:50
and we've我们已经 got no feeling感觉 of shame耻辱
for sex性别 before marriage婚姻,
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且对婚前性行为毫无愧疚感
08:54
I think people are taking服用
their time to love.
190
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在这种情况下 人们选择爱得慢一些
08:58
And actually其实, what's happening事件 is,
191
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1651
而真实情况是
09:00
what we're seeing眼看 is a real真实 expansion扩张
of the precommitment预先承诺 stage阶段
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这其实是婚前准备阶段的
09:03
before you tie领带 the knot.
193
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实际延伸
09:06
Where marriage婚姻 used to be
the beginning开始 of a relationship关系,
194
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从前 婚姻意味着一段感情的开始
09:08
now it's the finale压轴.
195
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而现在 它意味着尾声
09:11
But the human人的 brain --
196
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但人类大脑
09:13
(Laughter笑声)
197
541177
2009
(笑声)
09:15
The human人的 brain always triumphs胜利,
198
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1814
人类大脑总是胜出者
09:17
and indeed确实, in the United联合的 States状态 today今天,
199
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如今 在美国
09:18
86 percent百分 of Americans美国人
will marry结婚 by age年龄 49.
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86%的美国人将在49岁结婚
09:22
And even in cultures文化 around the world世界
where they're not marrying结婚 as often经常,
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即便在世界上结婚率不高的文化里
09:26
they are settling解决 down eventually终于
with a long-term长期 partner伙伴.
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最终他们也会和长期伴侣安定下来
09:29
So it began开始 to occur发生 to me:
203
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1835
于是 我突然想到:
09:31
during this long extension延期
of the precommitment预先承诺 stage阶段,
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在这个长期婚前准备期
09:35
if you can get rid摆脱 of bad
relationships关系 before you marry结婚,
205
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3173
如果你在婚前摆脱了一段糟糕的情感关系
09:39
maybe we're going to see
more happy快乐 marriages婚姻.
206
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2447
或许就会有更多美满的婚姻
09:41
So I did a study研究 of 1,100
married已婚 people in America美国 --
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于是,我研究了美国1100位已婚人士
09:46
not on Match比赛.comCOM, of course课程 --
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当然不是在 Match.com上
09:48
and I asked them a lot of questions问题.
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我问了很多问题
09:50
But one of the questions问题 was,
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其中一个是
09:52
"Would you re-marry再婚 the person
you're currently目前 married已婚 to?"
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如果再给你一次机会
你还会选择和现在的伴侣结婚吗?
09:56
And 81 percent百分 said, "Yes."
212
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81%的人说 会!
10:00
In fact事实, the greatest最大 change更改
in modern现代 romance浪漫 and family家庭 life
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事实上 当今的情感和家庭生活最大的变化
10:07
is not technology技术.
214
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1400
不是科技造成的
10:09
It's not even slow love.
215
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1494
甚至也不是“慢慢爱”的结果
10:11
It's actually其实 women妇女
piling into the job工作 market市场
216
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而是在全世界范围内
10:14
in cultures文化 around the world世界.
217
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大量女性进入职场的结果
10:15
For millions百万 of years年份,
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几百万年以来
10:17
our ancestors祖先 lived生活
in little hunting狩猎 and gathering搜集 groups.
219
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我们的祖先都生活在小型捕猎采集社会
10:20
Women妇女 commuted改判 to work
to gather收集 their fruits水果 and vegetables蔬菜.
220
608014
2905
女性忙于采摘
10:22
They came来了 home with 60 to 80
percent百分 of the evening晚间 meal膳食.
221
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3510
餐桌上60%~80%的食物是由她们带回来的
10:26
The double-income双收 family家庭 was the rule规则.
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双份收入家庭是一般法则
10:29
And women妇女 were regarded认为
as just as economically经济, socially社交上
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女性不论在经济 社会 还是性方面
10:33
and sexually powerful强大 as men男人.
224
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都和男性具有同等的地位
10:36
Then the environment环境 changed
some 10,000 years年份 ago,
225
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3102
然而 大约1万年前 社会发生了变化
10:39
we began开始 to settle解决 down on the farm农场
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人类开始以农耕为主
10:41
and both men男人 and women妇女
became成为 obliged有义务的, really,
227
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男女似乎有义务
10:44
to marry结婚 the right person,
228
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寻找合适的人结婚
10:46
from the right background背景,
229
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对方必须有匹配的背景
10:47
from the right religion宗教
230
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1303
宗教信仰
10:49
and from the right kin亲属
and social社会 and political政治 connections连接.
231
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相称的家族 社会及政治关联
10:52
Men's男装 jobs工作 became成为 more important重要:
232
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1594
男性的工作变得更为重要
10:54
they had to move移动 the rocks岩石,
fell下跌 the trees树木, plow the land土地.
233
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2737
他们必须搬运大石 砍树 耕地
10:57
They brought the produce生产
to local本地 markets市场, and came来了 home
234
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2924
他们把农产品带到市场上卖
11:00
with the equivalent当量 of money.
235
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1514
换回来同等的钱
11:01
Along沿 with this,
236
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1546
不仅如此,
11:03
we see a rise上升 of a host主办 of beliefs信仰:
237
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各种信仰开始传播
11:06
the belief信仰 of virginity童贞 at marriage婚姻,
238
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2182
坚信婚前必须保持处女身
11:08
arranged安排 marriages婚姻 --
strictly严格 arranged安排 marriages婚姻 --
239
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2943
包办婚姻(严格安排的婚姻)
11:11
the belief信仰 that the man
is the head of the household家庭,
240
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2527
坚信男性是一家之主
11:13
that the wife's妻子 place地点 is in the home
241
661991
2239
女性就应该待在家里
11:16
and most important重要,
242
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1153
更重要的一点
11:17
honor荣誉 thy你的 husband丈夫,
and 'til“直到 death死亡 do us part部分.
243
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3131
女性一生一世必须尊夫
11:20
These are gone走了.
244
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1722
所有这些都是过去式 了
11:22
They are going, and in many许多 places地方,
245
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2549
有些地方仍有这些现象
但大部分地区
11:24
they are gone走了.
246
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1388
这些现象都不复存在了
11:26
We are right now in a marriage婚姻 revolution革命.
247
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3423
我们正处于一场婚姻变革之中
11:29
We are shedding脱落 10,000 years年份
of our farming农业 tradition传统
248
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4715
我们摒弃了1万年前的农业传统
11:34
and moving移动 forward前锋 towards egalitarian平均主义
relationships关系 between之间 the sexes两性 --
249
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5626
朝着两性平等的方向发展
11:40
something I regard看待 as highly高度 compatible兼容
with the ancient human人的 spirit精神.
250
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4815
我认为这和远古人类的精神相契合
11:45
I'm not a Pollyanna盲目乐观;
251
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1702
我不是一个盲目乐观的人
11:47
there's a great deal合同 to cry about.
252
695288
1761
还有很多事情值得担忧
11:49
I've studied研究 divorce离婚 in 80 cultures文化,
253
697073
1746
我研究了80种文化里的离婚行为
11:50
I've studied研究, as I say,
adultery通奸 in many许多 --
254
698843
2136
出轨行为
11:53
there's a whole整个 pile of problems问题.
255
701003
1816
还有许许多多的问题
11:54
As William威廉 Butler男管家 Yeats叶芝,
the poet诗人, once一旦 said,
256
702843
3192
正如诗人威廉·巴特勒·叶芝所说
11:58
"Love is the crooked thing."
257
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2465
“爱情是个狡猾的家伙”
12:01
I would add, "Nobody没有人 gets得到 out alive."
258
709131
2790
我会再加一句,“没人能活着出来”
12:03
(Laughter笑声)
259
711945
1095
(笑声)
12:05
We all have problems问题.
260
713064
1467
每个人都有困扰
12:06
But in fact事实, I think the poet诗人
Randall兰德尔 Jarrell贾雷尔 really sums总和 it up best最好.
261
714925
3604
但我认为诗人兰德尔·贾雷尔总结的最好
12:10
He said, "The dark黑暗, uneasy不安 world世界
of family家庭 life --
262
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4999
他说:在枯燥繁琐的家庭生活中
12:15
where the greatest最大 can fail失败,
and the humblest卑微 succeed成功."
263
723576
4518
强者不显其智 弱者反而取胜
12:20
But I will leave离开 you with this:
264
728779
1887
但我想说的是:
12:22
love and attachment附件 will prevail战胜,
265
730690
2728
爱和相互依赖会战胜一切
12:25
technology技术 cannot不能 change更改 it.
266
733442
2533
科技无法改变这一点
12:27
And I will conclude得出结论 by saying
267
735999
1838
总结下来,便是
12:29
any understanding理解 of human人的 relationships关系
must必须 take into account帐户
268
737861
5246
任何对人类关系的诠释必须考虑到
12:35
one the most powerful强大 determinants决定因素
of human人的 behavior行为:
269
743131
4225
人类行为最强大的决定因素是那
12:39
the unquenchable不灭,
270
747380
1218
难以抑制的
12:41
adaptable适应性强
271
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1165
极具适应性的
12:42
and primordial原始 human人的 drive驾驶 to love.
272
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3006
最原始的爱的动力
12:45
Thank you.
273
753819
1152
谢谢
12:46
(Applause掌声)
274
754995
3022
(掌声)
12:51
Kelly黄绿色 StoetzelStoetzel: Thank you
so much for that, Helen海伦.
275
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2381
Kelly Stoetzel: 感谢您的演讲 海伦
12:54
As you know, there's another另一个
speaker扬声器 here with us
276
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2309
今天还有另一位演讲者
12:56
that works作品 in your same相同 field领域.
277
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1550
她和您在相同的领域里做研究
12:58
She comes at it
from a different不同 perspective透视.
278
766227
2431
不过是从不同的视角来分析问题
13:00
Esther以斯帖 PerelPerel is a psychotherapist心理治疗师
who works作品 with couples情侣.
279
768682
4637
诶斯特·佩雷斯从事
情侣心理治疗师的工作
13:05
You study研究 data数据,
280
773749
1293
您研究数据
13:07
Esther以斯帖 studies学习 the stories故事
the couples情侣 tell her
281
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2500
诶斯特研究那些向她寻求帮助的
13:09
when they come to her for help.
282
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2028
情侣们所诉说的故事
13:11
Let's have her join加入 us on the stage阶段.
283
779642
1724
现在请她上台吧
13:13
Esther以斯帖?
284
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1151
有请诶斯特
13:14
(Applause掌声)
285
782565
3131
(掌声)
13:22
So Esther以斯帖,
286
790249
1246
诶斯特
13:23
when you were watching观看 Helen's海伦的 talk,
287
791519
2272
当您观看海伦演讲的时候
13:25
was there any part部分 of it
288
793815
1206
是否有
13:27
that resonated共鸣 with you
through通过 the lens镜片 of your own拥有 work
289
795045
2767
和您所做的工作产生共鸣的地方
13:29
that you'd like to comment评论 on?
290
797836
1585
您可以和我们说说嘛?
13:32
Esther以斯帖 PerelPerel: It's interesting有趣,
because on the one hand,
291
800062
3579
Esther Perel:
让我觉得有意思的地方是,一方面
13:35
the need for love
is ubiquitous普及 and universal普遍.
292
803665
3829
人们对爱的需求无所不在 无所不及
13:39
But the way we love --
293
807965
1964
但人类爱的方式
13:41
the meaning含义 we make out of it --
294
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1530
爱与被爱背后的意义
13:43
the rules规则 that govern治理
our relationships关系, I think,
295
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2325
以及控制双方关系的规则
13:45
are changing改变 fundamentally从根本上.
296
813856
2027
正在发生根本性的改变
13:47
We come from a model模型 that, until直到 now,
297
815907
2900
直到最近 我们一直处于一种模式
13:50
was primarily主要 regulated调控
around duty义务 and obligation义务,
298
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3463
即主要由责任和义务
13:54
the needs需求 of the collective集体 and loyalty忠诚.
299
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集体和忠诚主义支配的模式
13:56
And we have shifted it
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而现在 我们转向了另一种模式
13:57
to a model模型 of free自由 choice选择
and individual个人 rights权利,
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即追崇自主选择 个人权利
14:02
and self-fulfillment自我实现 and happiness幸福.
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自我实现与幸福的模式
14:05
And so, that was
the first thing I thought,
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这是我脑子里冒出的第一个想法
14:07
that the need doesn't change更改,
304
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爱的需求没有改变
14:09
but the context上下文 and the way
we regulate调节 these relationships关系
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但大环境和人们处理情感关系的方式
14:13
changes变化 a lot.
306
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发生了很大的变化
14:14
On the paradox悖论 of choice选择 --
307
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关于选择悖论
14:18
you know, on the one hand
we relish滋味 the novelty新奇
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我认为 一方面我们追求
14:21
and the playfulness嬉闹, I think,
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多重选择给我们带来的
14:22
to be able能够 to have so many许多 options选项.
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新鲜感和趣味性
14:25
And at the same相同 time,
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同时
14:26
as you talk about this cognitive认知 overload超载,
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就像你提到的“认知负荷”
14:29
I see many许多, many许多 people who ...
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我看到许多人
14:34
who dread恐惧 the uncertainty不确定 and self-doubt自我怀疑
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对堆砌成堆的选项所带来的不确定性
14:38
that comes with this massa马萨 of choice选择,
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和不自信而感到担忧
14:41
creating创建 a case案件 of "FOMOFOMO"
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从而制造出某种“害怕错过的恐惧症”
14:43
and then leading领导 us --
317
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于是便引领我们--
14:45
FOMOFOMO, fear恐惧 of missed错过 opportunity机会,
or fear恐惧 of missing失踪 out --
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“FOMO”,表现为害怕机会流失
14:48
it's like, "How do I know
I have found发现 'the“在 one'一' --
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就好比“我怎么知道这个人就是
14:51
the right one?"
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我命中注定的那一个呢?”
14:52
So we've我们已经 created创建 what I call
this thing of "stable稳定 ambiguity歧义."
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这种现象我称为“稳定的模棱两可”
14:56
Stable稳定 ambiguity歧义 is when
you are too afraid害怕 to be alone单独
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884600
3705
指的是你害怕被剩下来 孤独终老
15:00
but also not really willing愿意
to engage从事 in intimacy-building亲密建设.
323
888329
4035
但又不愿打开心扉 与人建立亲密关系
15:04
It's a set of tactics策略 that kind of prolong延长
the uncertainty不确定 of a relationship关系
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这是一种策略
不仅会使这段关系的不确定性期延长
15:09
but also the uncertainty不确定 of the breakup分手.
325
897706
2607
还能拖延分手的不确定性
15:12
So, here on the internet互联网
you have three major重大的 ones那些.
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网络上将其分为三个阶段
15:15
One is icing刨冰 and simmering暗流涌动,
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一是冰冻期和温吞水
15:17
which哪一个 are great stalling失速 tactics策略
328
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这是很好的拖延战术
15:20
that offer提供 a kind of holding保持 pattern模式
329
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它使人们处于某种停滞状态
15:23
that emphasizes强调 the undefined未定义
nature性质 of a relationship关系
330
911088
3794
在这种状态下
强调情感关系中的不界定属性
15:26
but at the same相同 time gives you
enough足够 of a comforting欣慰的 consistency一致性
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4107
但同时能让你维持这段关系
15:31
and enough足够 freedom自由
of the undefined未定义 boundaries边界.
332
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2757
以及自由做出选择的空间
15:33
(Laughter笑声)
333
921818
1826
(笑声)
15:36
Yeah?
334
924070
1170
说的对吗?
15:37
And then comes ghosting重影.
335
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接下来就到了“幽灵阶段”
15:38
And ghosting重影 is, basically基本上,
336
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1972
“幽灵阶段”基本上是指
15:40
you disappear消失 from this massa马萨
of texts文本 on the spot,
337
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4520
你突然不再做出选择
15:45
and you don't have to deal合同 with
the pain疼痛 that you inflict造成 on another另一个,
338
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3785
不再应对你给对方带来的痛苦
15:49
because you're making制造 it
invisible无形 even to yourself你自己.
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2598
因为你自己都掩耳盗铃
15:51
(Laughter笑声)
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1187
(笑声)
15:53
Yeah?
341
941018
1158
对吗?
15:54
So I was thinking思维 -- these words came来了 up
for me as I was listening to you,
342
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4737
当我在听你演讲的时候
我想到了这些
15:58
like how a vocabulary词汇
also creates创建 a reality现实,
343
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5163
正如语言重现现实一样
16:04
and at the same相同 time,
344
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与此同时
16:05
that's my question to you:
345
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1684
我也有个问题要问你:
16:07
Do you think when the context上下文 changes变化,
346
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当环境发生变化时
16:10
it still means手段 that the nature性质
of love remains遗迹 the same相同?
347
958399
3640
你认为爱的本质还是一样的吗?
16:14
You study研究 the brain and I study研究
people's人们 relationships关系 and stories故事,
348
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你研究大脑 而我研究情侣关系
16:18
so I think it's everything you say, plus.
349
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3986
我认可你的观点
16:22
But I don't always know the degree
to which哪一个 a changing改变 context上下文 ...
350
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3902
但我不明白的是环境改变的程度--
16:27
Does it at some point begin开始 to change更改 --
351
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2530
它是从某一点开始改变的呢?
16:30
If the meaning含义 changes变化,
does it change更改 the need,
352
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2613
如果意义变了
需求是否也会改变呢?
16:32
or is the need clear明确
of the entire整个 context上下文?
353
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2463
或需求本身不受整个大环境影响?
16:35
HFHF: Wow! Well --
354
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1420
海伦:哇!
16:37
(Laughter笑声)
355
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2431
(笑声)
16:39
(Applause掌声)
356
987696
3175
(掌声)
16:42
Well, I've got three points here, right?
357
990895
2968
海伦:好的,我分为三点来说
16:46
First of all, to your first one:
358
994736
1826
首先,回答你第一个问题:
16:48
there's no question that we've我们已经 changed,
that we now want a person to love,
359
996586
3593
人类变了,这一点毋庸置疑
现在人们依然渴望爱情
16:52
and for thousands数千 of years年份,
we had to marry结婚 the right person
360
1000203
2845
而几千年来 人们都遵从必须
16:55
from the right background背景
and right connection连接.
361
1003072
2271
和来自匹配的背景和关联的人结婚
16:57
And in fact事实, in my studies学习
of 5,000 people every一切 year,
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1005367
3351
每年我对5000人进行调研
17:00
I ask them, "What are you looking for?"
363
1008742
2126
我问他们:“你想找什么样的人?”
17:02
And every一切 single year,
over 97 percent百分 say --
364
1010892
2758
每年 超过97%的人会说
17:05
EPEP: The list名单 grows成长 --
365
1013674
1210
诶斯特:清单越来越长了吧
17:06
HFHF: Well, no.
366
1014908
1160
海伦:呃,没有
17:08
The basic基本 thing is
over 97 percent百分 of people
367
1016092
3323
超过97%的人都表示想找
17:11
want somebody that respects尊重 them,
368
1019439
2091
尊重自己
17:13
somebody they can trust相信 and confide信任 in,
369
1021554
2288
值得信任的 能交心的
17:15
somebody who makes品牌 them laugh,
370
1023866
1656
能逗你笑的
17:17
somebody who makes品牌 enough足够 time for them
371
1025546
1882
花时间陪自己的
17:19
and somebody who they find
physically物理 attractive有吸引力.
372
1027452
3997
以及长相看着顺眼的人
17:23
That never changes变化.
373
1031473
1283
这几点从未改变过
17:24
And there's certainly当然 -- you know,
there's two parts部分 --
374
1032780
3178
大概有两部分--
17:27
EPEP: But you know how I call that?
375
1035982
1580
诶斯特:你知道我怎么定义这种现象吗?
17:29
That's not what people used to say --
376
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2250
过去人们并不是这样的择偶标准
17:31
HFHF: That's exactly究竟 right.
377
1039860
1230
海伦:是的
17:33
EPEP: They said they wanted somebody
with whom they have companionship友谊,
378
1041114
3299
诶斯特:过去人们会说他们想找能够与自己作伴
提供经济支持 喜爱孩子的人
17:36
economic经济 support支持, children孩子.
379
1044437
1291
17:37
We went from a production生产 economy经济
to a service服务 economy经济.
380
1045752
2586
我们从生产经济转变为服务经济
17:40
(Laughter笑声)
381
1048362
1009
(笑声)
17:41
We did it in the larger culture文化,
and we're doing it in marriage婚姻.
382
1049395
2981
在其他文化中我们已经这么做了
现在我们把它带到婚姻中
17:44
HFHF: Right, no question about it.
383
1052400
1548
海伦:是的,这一点毫无疑问
17:45
But it's interesting有趣, the millennials千禧
actually其实 want to be very good parents父母,
384
1053972
3910
但有趣的是
如今千禧一代非常渴望成为合格的家长
17:49
whereas the generation above以上 them
wants to have a very fine marriage婚姻
385
1057906
4120
而他们的上一代人希望有个美满的婚姻
17:54
but is not as focused重点
on being存在 a good parent.
386
1062050
2222
但却不向他们一样专注于成为合格的家长
17:56
You see all of these nuances细微之处.
387
1064296
2083
你可以看到这些细微的差别
17:58
There's two basic基本 parts部分 of personality个性:
388
1066403
2556
人格有两个基本构成部分:
18:00
there's your culture文化 -- everything you
grew成长 up to do and believe and say --
389
1068983
3575
你的文化—成长过程 信仰和言行--
18:04
and there's your temperament气质.
390
1072582
1399
以及性格
18:06
Basically基本上, what I've been talking
about is your temperament气质.
391
1074005
2827
我讨论的基本上都是性格
18:08
And that temperament气质 is certainly当然
going to change更改 with changing改变 times
392
1076856
3318
而性格一定会随着时间和信仰的改变
18:12
and changing改变 beliefs信仰.
393
1080198
1301
而改变
18:13
And in terms条款 of the paradox悖论 of choice选择,
394
1081891
3147
就选择悖论而言
18:17
there's no question about it
that this is a pickle泡菜.
395
1085062
2407
这确实是个两难的境地
18:19
There were millions百万 of years年份
where you found发现 that sweet boy男孩
396
1087493
2864
千百万年以来
18:22
at the other side of the water hole,
397
1090381
1725
如果人们在河边看到心动的对象
18:24
and you went for it.
398
1092130
1151
便会去争取
18:25
EPEP: Yes, but you --
399
1093305
1151
诶斯特:是的,但是--
18:26
HFHF: I do want to say one more thing.
400
1094480
1747
海伦:还有一件事
18:28
The bottom底部 line线 is, in hunting狩猎
and gathering搜集 societies社会,
401
1096251
2617
归根结底,在狩猎及采集社会中
18:30
they tended往往 to have two or three partners伙伴
during the course课程 of their lives生活.
402
1098892
3598
人们一生中通常有2到3个伴侣
18:34
They weren't square广场!
403
1102514
1158
他们并不是两两相对的
18:35
And I'm not suggesting提示 that we do,
404
1103696
1656
我当然不是建议我们也这么做
18:37
but the bottom底部 line线 is,
we've我们已经 always had alternatives备择方案.
405
1105376
3976
但重要的是我们始终
可以做出其他选择
18:41
Mankind人类 is always --
406
1109376
1479
人类一直如此
18:42
in fact事实, the brain is well-built精心打造
to what we call "equilibrate平衡,"
407
1110879
3192
实际上,人类大脑的构造是平衡对称的
18:46
to try and decide决定:
408
1114095
1151
去试探或下决心:
18:47
Do I come, do I stay? Do I go, do I stay?
409
1115270
2434
来或走?去或留?
18:49
What are the opportunities机会 here?
410
1117728
1548
留下来有什么样的机遇?
18:51
How do I handle处理 this there?
411
1119300
1302
怎么处理这件事?
18:52
And so I think we're seeing眼看
another另一个 play-out播出 of that now.
412
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2961
我想现在上演的正是大脑决策的另一出戏
18:56
KSKS: Well, thank you both so much.
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KS:非常感谢两位。
18:57
I think you're going to have
a million百万 dinner晚餐 partners伙伴 for tonight今晚!
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3206
我想你今晚要和很多人共进晚餐了
19:00
(Applause掌声)
415
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1979
(掌声)
19:02
Thank you, thank you.
416
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1181
谢谢!
Translated by Tingting Zhong
Reviewed by Jing Peng

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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Helen Fisher - Anthropologist, expert on love
Anthropologist Helen Fisher studies gender differences and the evolution of human emotions. She’s best known as an expert on romantic love.

Why you should listen

Fisher's several books lay bare the mysteries of our most treasured emotion: its evolution, its biochemical foundations and its vital importance to human society. Fisher describes love as a universal human drive (stronger than the sex drive; stronger than thirst or hunger; stronger perhaps than the will to live), and her many areas of inquiry shed light on timeless human mysteries like why we choose one partner over another. Her classic study, Anatomy of Love, first published in 1992, has just been re-issued in a fully updated edition, including her recent neuroimaging research on lust, romantic love and attachment as well as discussions of sexting, hooking up, friends with benefits, other contemporary trends in courtship and marriage, and a dramatic current trend she calls “slow love.”

More profile about the speaker
Helen Fisher | Speaker | TED.com