ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Meg Jay - Clinical psychologist
In her book "The Defining Decade," Meg Jay suggests that many twentysomethings feel trivialized during what is actually the most transformative — and defining — period of our adult lives.

Why you should listen

Lately it feels as if 25 is just a bit too young to get serious. In her psychology practice, and her book The Defining Decade, clinical psychologist Meg Jay suggests that many twentysomethings have been caught in a swirl of hype and misinformation about what Time magazine calls the "Me Me Me Generation." The rhetoric that "30 is the new 20," she suggests, trivializes what is actually the most transformative period of our adult lives.
 
Drawing from more than ten years of work with hundreds of twentysomething clients and students, Jay weaves science together with compelling, behind-closed-doors stories. The result is a provocative, poignant read that shows us why, far from being an irrelevant downtime, our twenties are a developmental sweetspot that comes only once.  Our twenties are a time when the things we do -- and the things we don’t do -- will have an enormous effect across years and even generations to come.

Jay is a clinical psychologist who specializes in adult development, and in twentysomethings in particular. She is an assistant clinical professor at the University of Virginia and maintains a private practice in Charlottesville, Virginia.  She spent her own early twentysomething years as an Outward Bound instructor.

More profile about the speaker
Meg Jay | Speaker | TED.com
TED2013

Meg Jay: Why 30 is not the new 20

Meg Jay: 为什么30岁不是新的20岁

Filmed:
11,119,401 views

临川心理学家Meg Jay有一条大胆的信息要给二十几岁的人:和普遍观点不同,你的二十岁这个十年不能随便扔掉。在这个具有前瞻式的演讲中, Jay说尽管婚宴、工作以及孩子要等到以后才有,这并不表示你现在不能开始准备。她给了3条建议帮助二十几岁的人在他们一生中最有决定作用的十年中重新把握住成年时期。
- Clinical psychologist
In her book "The Defining Decade," Meg Jay suggests that many twentysomethings feel trivialized during what is actually the most transformative — and defining — period of our adult lives. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:12
When I was in my 20s,
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当我20几岁时,
00:14
I saw my very first psychotherapy心理治疗 client客户.
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我见到了我的第一个需要精神疗法的病人。
00:18
I was a Ph博士.D. student学生 in clinical临床 psychology心理学 at Berkeley伯克利.
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当时我是一个在伯克利大学读临床心理学的Ph.D学生。
00:21
She was a 26-year-old-岁 woman女人 named命名 Alex亚历克斯.
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她是一位叫Alex的26岁女性。
00:26
Now Alex亚历克斯 walked into her first session会议
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第一次会面时Alex穿了
00:28
wearing穿着 jeans牛仔裤 and a big slouchy懒散的 top最佳,
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牛仔裤以及略微不修边幅的上衣,
00:30
and she dropped下降 onto the couch长椅 in my office办公室
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进来后直接坐到我办公室中的沙发上,
00:33
and kicked off her flats公寓
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踢掉她的鞋子,
00:34
and told me she was there to talk about guy problems问题.
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然后跟我说她是来跟我讲男性问题的。
00:38
Now when I heard听说 this, I was so relieved安心.
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当我听到这个时,我松了一口气。
00:42
My classmate同学 got an arsonist纵火犯 for her first client客户.
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我的一个同学的第一个病人是一个纵火犯。
00:46
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
00:47
And I got a twentysomething二十多岁 who wanted to talk about boys男孩.
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所以说我有一个二十几岁的人想跟我谈谈男生。
00:52
This I thought I could handle处理.
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我以为我能处理好这事。
00:55
But I didn't handle处理 it.
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但我没能办到。
00:57
With the funny滑稽 stories故事 that Alex亚历克斯 would bring带来 to session会议,
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Alex在每一次会面时都会带来好笑的故事,
00:59
it was easy简单 for me just to nod点头 my head
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因此对我而言点点头,
01:01
while we kicked the can down the road.
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不断拖延出结果的时间是一件非常轻松的事情。
01:04
"Thirty's三十年代 the new 20," Alex亚历克斯 would say,
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Alex会说“三十就是新的二十”,
01:06
and as far as I could tell, she was right.
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而且就我知道的,她是对的。
01:09
Work happened发生 later后来, marriage婚姻 happened发生 later后来,
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工作要以后才有,结婚以后才有,
01:11
kids孩子 happened发生 later后来, even death死亡 happened发生 later后来.
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孩子以后才有,连死亡都是以后才有。
01:15
Twentysomethings二十多岁 like Alex亚历克斯 and I had nothing but time.
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像Alex和我一样是二十几岁的人除了时间外一无所有。
01:20
But before long, my supervisor pushed me
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但没过多久,我的监督就催我
01:23
to push Alex亚历克斯 about her love life.
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开始推动Alex的爱情生活。
01:26
I pushed back.
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我拒绝了。
01:27
I said, "Sure, she's dating约会 down,
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我说:“没错,她现在在约会,
01:30
she's sleeping睡眠 with a knucklehead博傻,
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她和一个笨蛋同床,
01:33
but it's not like she's going to marry结婚 the guy."
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但这并不表示她会和他结婚。”
01:36
And then my supervisor said,
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然后我的监督说:
01:38
"Not yet然而, but she might威力 marry结婚 the next下一个 one.
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“现在还没,但她可能会和下一个这样的人结婚。
01:42
Besides除了, the best最好 time to work on Alex'sAlex的 marriage婚姻
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再说,在Alex的婚事上花费精力的最好时间
01:46
is before she has one."
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就是在她结婚之前。”
01:50
That's what psychologists心理学家 call an "Aha!" moment时刻.
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这就是心理学家们所说的“原来如此!”瞬间。
01:53
That was the moment时刻 I realized实现, 30 is not the new 20.
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在那一瞬间,我明白了三十岁并不是新的二十岁。
01:56
Yes, people settle解决 down later后来 than they used to,
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没错,人们比以前更晚安顿下来,
01:59
but that didn't make Alex'sAlex的 20s a developmental发展的 downtime停机.
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但这并不说明Alex的二十几岁这个时间段是她的发展低谷。
02:03
That made制作 Alex'sAlex的 20s a developmental发展的 sweet spot,
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这使Alex的二十几岁一个发展的良好时期,
02:07
and we were sitting坐在 there blowing it.
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而我们就坐在那儿荒废它。
02:10
That was when I realized实现 that this sort分类 of benign良性 neglect忽略
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这时我才明白这种“善意的疏忽”
02:14
was a real真实 problem问题, and it had real真实 consequences后果,
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是一个非常现实的问题,而且它有严重的后果,
02:18
not just for Alex亚历克斯 and her love life
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不仅是对于Alex和她的爱情生活
02:20
but for the careers职业生涯 and the families家庭 and the futures期货
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也对于各地的二十几岁的人的
02:23
of twentysomethings二十多岁 everywhere到处.
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家庭与未来。
02:27
There are 50 million百万 twentysomethings二十多岁
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现在美国有大约5千万
02:29
in the United联合的 States状态 right now.
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二十几岁的人。
02:31
We're talking about 15 percent百分 of the population人口,
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这大概是总人口的15%,
02:35
or 100 percent百分 if you consider考虑
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或者说100%如果你考虑到
02:38
that no one's那些 getting得到 through通过 adulthood成年
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没人能在不经历二十几岁这个阶段的情况下
02:40
without going through通过 their 20s first.
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经过成人期。
02:43
Raise提高 your hand if you're in your 20s.
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如果你是二十几岁的话举一下手。
02:45
I really want to see some twentysomethings二十多岁 here.
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我非常想在这儿看到一些二十几岁的人。
02:47
Oh, yay好极了! Y'all's你们是 awesome真棒.
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太好了!你们都棒极了。
02:49
If you work with twentysomethings二十多岁, you love a twentysomething二十多岁,
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如果你和二十几岁的人工作,如果你爱一个二十几岁的人,
02:53
you're losing失去 sleep睡觉 over twentysomethings二十多岁, I want to see —
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如果你因为二十几岁的人而失眠,我就想看到—
02:56
Okay. Awesome真棒, twentysomethings二十多岁 really matter.
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好的。棒极了,二十几岁的人非常重要。
03:00
So I specialize专攻 in twentysomethings二十多岁 because I believe
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我专门研究二十几岁的人,因为我相信
03:04
that every一切 single one of those 50 million百万 twentysomethings二十多岁
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这5千万个二十几岁的人中每一个
03:08
deserves值得 to know what psychologists心理学家,
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都应该知道每一个心理学家,
03:11
sociologists社会学家, neurologists神经学家 and fertility生育能力 specialists专家
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社会学家,神经学家以及生育专家
03:15
already已经 know:
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都知道的:
03:17
that claiming自称 your 20s is one of the simplest简单,
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那就是把握你的二十岁这一个阶段是最简单的,
03:20
yet然而 most transformative变革, things you can do
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但又是最有影响力的你能为
03:23
for work, for love, for your happiness幸福,
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你的职业,爱情,幸福,
03:25
maybe even for the world世界.
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甚至是全世界做的事。
03:28
This is not my opinion意见. These are the facts事实.
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这不是我的观点。这是事实。
03:33
We know that 80 percent百分 of life's人生 most defining确定 moments瞬间
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我们知道一个人的一生中的80%的最重要的时刻
03:36
take place地点 by age年龄 35.
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发生在35岁。
03:39
That means手段 that eight out of 10 of the decisions决定
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这就意味着每10个
03:42
and experiences经验 and "Aha!" moments瞬间
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决定你的生命会是什么样的
03:45
that make your life what it is
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的经历与“原来如此!”时刻
03:47
will have happened发生 by your mid-中-30s.
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中有8个发生在三十岁中旬。
03:50
People who are over 40, don't panic恐慌.
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超过40岁的人,别慌。
03:52
This crowd人群 is going to be fine, I think.
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我估计这个观众没问题。
03:55
We know that the first 10 years年份 of a career事业
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我们知道一份职业中的前10年
03:58
has an exponential指数 impact碰撞
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对于你将会挣多少钱
04:00
on how much money you're going to earn.
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有非常大的影响。
04:02
We know that more than half of Americans美国人
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我们知道超过一半的美国人
04:04
are married已婚 or are living活的 with or dating约会
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30岁之前就和终生伴侣结婚,
04:07
their future未来 partner伙伴 by 30.
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同居,或者在约会。
04:09
We know that the brain caps帽子 off its second第二
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我们知道大脑在你二十几岁时
04:12
and last growth发展 spurt in your 20s
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为了适应成人期
04:14
as it rewires再配线 itself本身 for adulthood成年,
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达到第二次也是最后一次成长期的高峰,
04:17
which哪一个 means手段 that whatever随你 it is you want to change更改 about yourself你自己,
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这说明无论你想改变你自己的什么,
04:21
now is the time to change更改 it.
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现在就是改变它的时间。
04:24
We know that personality个性 changes变化 more during your 20s
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我们知道相比人生其他阶段
04:27
than at any other time in life,
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二十岁时的个性变化最大,
04:30
and we know that female fertility生育能力 peaks at age年龄 28,
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而且我们也知道女性的繁殖能力在28岁时达到峰顶,
04:34
and things get tricky狡猾 after age年龄 35.
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到35岁之后事情就有点难办了。
04:37
So your 20s are the time to educate教育 yourself你自己
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因此你的二十几岁这个时间段就是
04:40
about your body身体 and your options选项.
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告诉自己自己的身体状况以及未来的选择的时候。
04:44
So when we think about child儿童 development发展,
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因此当我们说到儿童发展,
04:46
we all know that the first five years年份 are a critical危急 period
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我们都知道前5年是大脑发展
04:50
for language语言 and attachment附件 in the brain.
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语言和爱慕的关键时期。
04:54
It's a time when your ordinary普通, day-to-day日复一日 life
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这是一个你的每日生活都会对你的未来
04:57
has an inordinate过度的 impact碰撞 on who you will become成为.
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产生巨大影响的时间段。
05:01
But what we hear less about is that there's such这样 a thing
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但是我们听到的比较少的就是有一个东西叫
05:04
as adult成人 development发展, and our 20s
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成人发展,而我们的二十岁这个阶段
05:07
are that critical危急 period of adult成人 development发展.
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就是成人发展的关键时期。
05:11
But this isn't what twentysomethings二十多岁 are hearing听力.
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但这并不是二十几岁的人所听到的。
05:14
Newspapers报纸 talk about the changing改变 timetable时间表 of adulthood成年.
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报纸在描述成人的时间表的变更,
05:19
Researchers研究人员 call the 20s an extended扩展 adolescence青春期.
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研究人员把二十几岁叫做延长的青春期。
05:22
Journalists记者 coin硬币 silly愚蠢 nicknames昵称 for twentysomethings二十多岁
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新闻记者在给二十几岁的人附加愚蠢的外号,
05:25
like "twixterstwixters" and "kidults童心."
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比如“中间者”和“成年儿童”。
05:28
It's true真正.
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这是真的。
05:30
As a culture文化, we have trivialized轻视 what is actually其实
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作为一种文化,我们把实际上是成人期中最重要的一个十年
05:34
the defining确定 decade of adulthood成年.
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列为不重要的东西。
05:39
Leonard伦纳德 Bernstein伯恩斯坦 said that to achieve实现 great things,
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伦纳德 伯恩斯坦说过如果想办成大事,
05:42
you need a plan计划 and not quite相当 enough足够 time.
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就需要一个计划和不足够的时间。
05:46
Isn't that true真正?
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这不对吗?
05:48
So what do you think happens发生
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所以说当你
05:49
when you pat a twentysomething二十多岁 on the head and you say,
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拍一个二十几岁的人的头然后说:
05:52
"You have 10 extra额外 years年份 to start开始 your life"?
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“你还有额外的十年才开始生活”时你认为会发生什么?
05:55
Nothing happens发生.
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什么也不会发生。
05:57
You have robbed被抢 that person of his urgency and ambition志向,
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你剥夺了那个人的紧迫感以及志向,
06:01
and absolutely绝对 nothing happens发生.
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但是什么都没发生。
06:04
And then every一切 day, smart聪明, interesting有趣 twentysomethings二十多岁
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然后每天就有像你们的儿子或者女儿一样
06:08
like you or like your sons儿子 and daughters女儿
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既聪明又有趣的二十几岁的人
06:11
come into my office办公室 and say things like this:
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跑到我的办公室跟我说
06:16
"I know my boyfriend's男友 no good for me,
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“我知道我的男朋友对我一点好处都没有,
06:18
but this relationship关系 doesn't count计数. I'm just killing谋杀 time."
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但这段感情不算数。我只是在消耗时间。”
06:22
Or they say, "Everybody每个人 says as long as I get started开始
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或者是“大家都说只要我在30岁之前
06:25
on a career事业 by the time I'm 30, I'll be fine."
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开始我的职业就没问题。”这一类的话。
06:29
But then it starts启动 to sound声音 like this:
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但后来他们就开始讲:
06:32
"My 20s are almost几乎 over, and I have nothing to show显示 for myself.
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“我的二十岁快结束了,但我没什么可以展现的。
06:36
I had a better résumé the day after I graduated毕业 from college学院."
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我毕业那天最好写写自己的简历。”
06:41
And then it starts启动 to sound声音 like this:
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之后他们开始讲:
06:44
"Dating约会 in my 20s was like musical音乐 chairs椅子.
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“二十几岁时的约会就像玩抢座位游戏。
06:46
Everybody每个人 was running赛跑 around and having fun开玩笑,
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大家跑来跑去,乐在其中,
06:49
but then sometime某时 around 30 it was like the music音乐 turned转身 off
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但到30岁左右音乐就停掉了,
06:52
and everybody每个人 started开始 sitting坐在 down.
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大家一个接一个开始坐下。
06:55
I didn't want to be the only one left standing常设 up,
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我不想成为唯一一个站着的人,
06:57
so sometimes有时 I think I married已婚 my husband丈夫
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因此有时候我觉得我和我丈夫结婚的原因
06:59
because he was the closest最近的 chair椅子 to me at 30."
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就是因为在我30岁时他是距我最近的‘椅子’。”
07:03
Where are the twentysomethings二十多岁 here?
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这里的二十几岁的人在哪儿?
07:05
Do not do that.
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别做这种事。
07:09
Okay, now that sounds声音 a little flip翻动, but make no mistake错误,
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好吧,刚才那听起来可能有一点轻浮,但是别搞错,
07:12
the stakes赌注 are very high.
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在这里筹码非常高。
07:14
When a lot has been pushed to your 30s,
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当很多事情被推到三十几岁再做时,
07:17
there is enormous巨大 thirtysomething而立之年 pressure压力
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在你的三十岁这个阶段就有在极短的时间内
07:19
to jump-start快速启动 a career事业, pick a city, partner伙伴 up,
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开始一个职业,挑选一个城市,找到一个伴侣
07:23
and have two or three kids孩子 in a much shorter period of time.
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并且生几个孩子的巨大压力。
07:27
Many许多 of these things are incompatible不相容,
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这些事情中有很多是不兼容的,
07:29
and as research研究 is just starting开始 to show显示,
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而且就如研究开始表明,
07:32
simply只是 harder更难 and more stressful压力 to do
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在三十几岁这个阶段同时完成这么多事
07:35
all at once一旦 in our 30s.
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的压力以及难度实在是太大了。
07:38
The post-millennial后千禧 midlife中年 crisis危机
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上个千年之后的中年危机
07:40
isn't buying购买 a red sports体育 car汽车.
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不在于能否买一辆红色的敞篷车。
07:43
It's realizing实现 you can't have that career事业 you now want.
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是在于发现自己的职业不是自己想要的。
07:48
It's realizing实现 you can't have that child儿童 you now want,
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是在于发现你无法生你想要的孩子,
07:51
or you can't give your child儿童 a sibling兄弟.
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或者无法给自己的孩子一个同胞。
07:55
Too many许多 thirtysomethings到30岁 and fortysomethingsfortysomethings
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有太多太多的三十几岁的人和四十几岁的人
07:57
look at themselves他们自己, and at me, sitting坐在 across横过 the room房间,
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先看看自己,然后看看坐在房间另一边的我,
08:01
and say about their 20s,
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然后讨论他们的二十几岁这个时间段。
08:03
"What was I doing? What was I thinking思维?"
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“我当时在做什么?我当时在想什么?”
08:09
I want to change更改 what twentysomethings二十多岁
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我想改变二十几岁的人
08:10
are doing and thinking思维.
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的所做与所思。
08:13
Here's这里的 a story故事 about how that can go.
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我来讲一个关于如何这么做的故事。
08:15
It's a story故事 about a woman女人 named命名 Emma艾玛.
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这是一个关于一位叫Emma的女性的故事。
08:19
At 25, Emma艾玛 came来了 to my office办公室
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25岁时,Emma来到我的办公室
08:21
because she was, in her words, having an identity身分 crisis危机.
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因为她,用她的话来讲,正在经历一个身份危机。
08:26
She said she thought she might威力 like to work in art艺术
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她说她认为她想从事艺术
08:29
or entertainment娱乐, but she hadn't有没有 decided决定 yet然而,
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或者娱乐,但她还没决定,
08:32
so she'd spent花费 the last few少数 years年份 waiting等候 tables instead代替.
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所以前几年她花在做服务员上了。
08:36
Because it was cheaper便宜, she lived生活 with a boyfriend男朋友
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因为比较便宜,她和她那
08:39
who displayed显示 his temper脾气 more than his ambition志向.
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展现脾气比志向更频繁的男朋友住在一起。
08:43
And as hard as her 20s were,
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而无论她的二十几岁有多么困难,
08:45
her early life had been even harder更难.
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她以前的生活更困难。
08:47
She often经常 cried哭了 in our sessions会议,
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她在会面时经常哭,
08:50
but then would collect搜集 herself她自己 by saying,
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但会说“你无法选择你的家庭,但是你能选择你的朋友。”
08:52
"You can't pick your family家庭, but you can pick your friends朋友."
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然后平定下来。
08:57
Well one day, Emma艾玛 comes in
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有一天,Emma走进来,
08:58
and she hangs挂起 her head in her lap膝部,
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把头放在膝盖上,
09:00
and she sobbed抽泣着 for most of the hour小时.
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然后哭了近一个小时。
09:04
She'd just bought a new address地址 book,
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她刚买了一个新的地址薄,
09:06
and she'd spent花费 the morning早上 filling填充 in her many许多 contacts往来,
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然后她花了一个上午填她的联系人,
09:09
but then she'd been left staring凝视 at that empty blank空白
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但是她只能呆呆的看着
09:12
that comes after the words
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“在紧急情况下,请拨打..."
09:14
"In case案件 of emergency, please call ... ."
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这一串字后面的空白。
09:18
She was nearly几乎 hysterical歇斯底里 when she looked看着 at me and said,
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她近歇斯底里的看着我并说:
09:21
"Who's谁是 going to be there for me if I get in a car汽车 wreck破坏?
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“如果我出车祸了谁会照顾我?
09:24
Who's谁是 going to take care关心 of me if I have cancer癌症?"
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如果我的癌症了谁会照顾我?”
09:29
Now in that moment时刻, it took everything I had
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当时,我花了很大力气
09:31
not to say, "I will."
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才避免说“我会”。
09:33
But what Emma艾玛 needed需要 wasn't some therapist治疗师
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但Emma需要的并不是一位非常非常关心
09:36
who really, really cared照顾.
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她的治疗师。
09:38
Emma艾玛 needed需要 a better life, and I knew知道 this was her chance机会.
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Emma需要一个更好的生活,而且我知道这是她的机会。
09:43
I had learned学到了 too much since以来 I first worked工作 with Alex亚历克斯
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自从我在Alex身上下功夫后我学到了很多,
09:46
to just sit there while Emma's艾玛的 defining确定 decade
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所以我不会让Emma那具有决定作用的十年
09:49
went parading游行 by.
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就这么流逝掉。
09:53
So over the next下一个 weeks and months个月,
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所以在接下来的几周和几个月中,
09:55
I told Emma艾玛
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我告诉了Emma
09:56
three things that every一切 twentysomething二十多岁, male or female,
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三个每个二十几岁的人,不论男女,
10:00
deserves值得 to hear.
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都应该听到东西。
10:03
First, I told Emma艾玛 to forget忘记 about having an identity身分 crisis危机
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首先,我告诉Emma忘了她的身份危机
10:08
and get some identity身分 capital首都.
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然后开始积累身份资本。
10:11
By get identity身分 capital首都, I mean do something
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我所说的“积累身份资本”就是指
10:13
that adds增加 value to who you are.
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为你自己增加价值。
10:17
Do something that's an investment投资
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做一项对你接下来想是什么样子的
10:19
in who you might威力 want to be next下一个.
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的投资。
10:22
I didn't know the future未来 of Emma's艾玛的 career事业,
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我当时不知道Emma的职业的未来,
10:24
and no one knows知道 the future未来 of work, but I do know this:
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而且没人知道自己的工作的未来,但是我知道这些:
10:28
Identity身分 capital首都 begets相生 identity身分 capital首都.
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身份资本会招来更多的身份资本。
10:32
So now is the time for that cross-country越野 job工作,
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这是接受那份跨国职业,
10:35
that internship实习, that startup启动 you want to try.
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那份实习和你想试试的那个起步的时候。
10:38
I'm not discounting贴现 twentysomething二十多岁 exploration勘探 here,
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我不是在漠视二十几岁的人的探索,
10:42
but I am discounting贴现 exploration勘探 that's not supposed应该 to count计数,
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但是我在漠视毫无意义的探索,
10:46
which哪一个, by the way, is not exploration勘探.
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而且那些按道理来讲不能叫探索。
10:49
That's procrastination拖延.
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那叫拖延时间。
10:52
I told Emma艾玛 to explore探索 work and make it count计数.
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我叫Emma试验各种工作而且让它们算数。
10:58
Second第二, I told Emma艾玛 that the urban城市的 tribe部落 is overrated被高估.
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其次,我告诉Emma城市部落被高估了。
11:03
Best最好 friends朋友 are great for giving rides游乐设施 to the airport飞机场,
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找好朋友来搭车至机场很棒,
11:06
but twentysomethings二十多岁 who huddle乱堆 together一起
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但二十几岁的人若和思维方式
11:09
with like-minded志同道合 peers同行 limit限制 who they know,
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相似的同龄人聚在一起,他们所知道的人,
11:11
what they know, how they think, how they speak说话,
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他们所知道的事,他们的思维方式,他们的讲话方式
11:15
and where they work.
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以及他们的工作地点就会受到限制。
11:18
That new piece of capital首都, that new person to date日期
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那个新的资本,那个新的可以约出去的人
11:20
almost几乎 always comes from outside the inner circle.
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几乎总是从内部圈子之外来的。
11:24
New things come from what are called our weak ties联系,
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新的事物从我们所谓的微弱的联系中来,
11:27
our friends朋友 of friends朋友 of friends朋友.
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比如我们的朋友的朋友的朋友。
11:30
So yes, half of twentysomethings二十多岁 are un-联合国- or under-employed下雇.
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是的,大概有一半的二十几岁的人未就业或者未充分就业。
11:35
But half aren't, and weak ties联系
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但有一半不是这样的,而微弱的联系
11:37
are how you get yourself你自己 into that group.
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就是把你自己加入那一个团体的方式。
11:40
Half of new jobs工作 are never posted发布,
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有一半的新职位不会被张贴出来,
11:43
so reaching到达 out to your neighbor's邻居 boss老板
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而联系到你的邻居的老板
11:45
is how you get that un-posted未公布 job工作.
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就是你拿到那份未被张贴的工作的方法。
11:48
It's not cheating作弊. It's the science科学 of how information信息 spreads利差.
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这不是作弊。这是关于信息如何传递的科学。
11:53
Last but not least最小, Emma艾玛 believed相信 that
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最后,Emma相信
11:55
you can't pick your family家庭, but you can pick your friends朋友.
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一个人不能选择家庭,但可以选择朋友。
11:59
Now this was true真正 for her growing生长 up,
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在她的成长过程中这是没错的,
12:01
but as a twentysomething二十多岁, soon不久 Emma艾玛 would pick her family家庭
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但作为一个二十几岁的人,很快Emma就要通过
12:03
when she partnered合作 with someone有人
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和某人结伴,创造一个家庭
12:05
and created创建 a family家庭 of her own拥有.
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来选择她自己的家庭。
12:08
I told Emma艾玛 the time to start开始 picking选择 your family家庭 is now.
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我告诉Emma选择家庭的时间就是现在。
12:14
Now you may可能 be thinking思维 that 30
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你可能会认为30岁是一个
12:16
is actually其实 a better time to settle解决 down
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比20岁,甚至是25岁更好的
12:18
than 20, or even 25,
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安定下来的时间,
12:21
and I agree同意 with you.
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而且我也同意。
12:23
But grabbing whoever you're living活的 with or sleeping睡眠 with
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但当你在别的人开始进入结婚礼堂时
12:26
when everyone大家 on FacebookFacebook的 starts启动 walking步行 down the aisle走道
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抓紧和你同居或睡觉的人
12:29
is not progress进展.
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不叫进步。
12:32
The best最好 time to work on your marriage婚姻
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在婚事上下功夫的最好时间
12:35
is before you have one,
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就是结婚之前,
12:36
and that means手段 being存在 as intentional故意的 with love
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意思就是对待爱情就要像对待工作一样
12:39
as you are with work.
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富有意识。
12:41
Picking选择 your family家庭 is about consciously自觉 choosing选择
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选择家庭就是有意识的选择
12:44
who and what you want
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你想要的人和物
12:46
rather than just making制造 it work or killing谋杀 time
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而不是单单想让事情成功或者和
12:49
with whoever happens发生 to be choosing选择 you.
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选择你的那个人浪费时间。
12:53
So what happened发生 to Emma艾玛?
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那Emma后来怎么样了?
12:55
Well, we went through通过 that address地址 book,
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嗯,我们翻了翻那个地址薄,
12:57
and she found发现 an old roommate's室友的 cousin表姐
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然后她发现她的一个老室友的一位亲人
13:00
who worked工作 at an art艺术 museum博物馆 in another另一个 state.
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在另一个州的一个艺术博物馆工作。
13:03
That weak tie领带 helped帮助 her get a job工作 there.
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那个微弱的联系帮她在那里找到一份工作。
13:06
That job工作 offer提供 gave her the reason原因
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那份工作给她一个
13:08
to leave离开 that live-in住在 boyfriend男朋友.
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离开她的同居男友的理由。
13:10
Now, five years年份 later后来, she's a special特别 events事件 planner规划人员 for museums博物馆.
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现在,5年过去了,她是一些博物馆的特殊活动规划者。
13:14
She's married已婚 to a man she mindfully正念 chose选择.
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她和一位她有意识地选择了的人结婚了。
13:18
She loves her new career事业, she loves her new family家庭,
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她爱她的新职业,她爱他的新家庭,
13:20
and she sent发送 me a card that said,
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她还给我一张上面写着
13:23
"Now the emergency contact联系 blanks空白
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“现在紧急联系人一栏
13:25
don't seem似乎 big enough足够."
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似乎不够大了。”的卡片。
13:29
Now Emma's艾玛的 story故事 made制作 that sound声音 easy简单,
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Emma的故事让这件事听起来非常简单,
13:31
but that's what I love about working加工 with twentysomethings二十多岁.
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但这就是我喜欢和二十几岁的人工作的原因。
13:34
They are so easy简单 to help.
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要帮助他们实在太容易了。
13:36
Twentysomethings二十多岁 are like airplanes飞机 just leaving离开 LAXLAX,
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二十几岁的人就像刚离开洛杉矶国际机场的
13:40
bound for somewhere某处 west西.
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目的地在西边某地的航班。
13:43
Right after takeoff脱掉, a slight轻微 change更改 in course课程
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起飞之后,航线的一个小调整
13:46
is the difference区别 between之间 landing降落 in Alaska阿拉斯加州 or Fiji.
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就是落在阿拉斯加还是落在斐济的区别。
13:51
Likewise同样, at 21 or 25 or even 29,
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同理,在21岁或者25岁甚至是29岁时,
13:56
one good conversation会话, one good break打破,
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一个好的聊天,一次好的休息,
13:59
one good TEDTED Talk, can have an enormous巨大 effect影响
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一个好的TED演讲可以对接下来的
14:03
across横过 years年份 and even generations to come.
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几年甚至是几代人有非常大的影响。
14:07
So here's这里的 an idea理念 worth价值 spreading传播
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这里给出一个值得传播给
14:09
to every一切 twentysomething二十多岁 you know.
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每个你认识的二十几岁的人的想法。
14:12
It's as simple简单 as what I learned学到了 to say to Alex亚历克斯.
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它和我学到的该跟Alex说的话一样简单。
14:15
It's what I now have the privilege特权
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它就是现在我有权利
14:17
of saying to twentysomethings二十多岁 like Emma艾玛 every一切 single day:
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每天对像Emma一样的二十几岁的人说的话:
14:22
Thirty三十 is not the new 20, so claim要求 your adulthood成年,
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30岁不再是新的20岁,所以把握好你的成年时期,
14:26
get some identity身分 capital首都, use your weak ties联系,
279
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积累一些身份资本,利用你的微弱联系
14:29
pick your family家庭.
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并且选择好你的家庭。
14:32
Don't be defined定义 by what you didn't know
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别被你不知道的事或者没做的事
14:34
or didn't do.
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定义。
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You're deciding决定 your life right now.
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现在,你就在决定你的生命。
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Thank you.
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谢谢。
14:40
(Applause掌声)
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(掌声)
Translated by 明宽 张
Reviewed by 盧曉天 .

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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Meg Jay - Clinical psychologist
In her book "The Defining Decade," Meg Jay suggests that many twentysomethings feel trivialized during what is actually the most transformative — and defining — period of our adult lives.

Why you should listen

Lately it feels as if 25 is just a bit too young to get serious. In her psychology practice, and her book The Defining Decade, clinical psychologist Meg Jay suggests that many twentysomethings have been caught in a swirl of hype and misinformation about what Time magazine calls the "Me Me Me Generation." The rhetoric that "30 is the new 20," she suggests, trivializes what is actually the most transformative period of our adult lives.
 
Drawing from more than ten years of work with hundreds of twentysomething clients and students, Jay weaves science together with compelling, behind-closed-doors stories. The result is a provocative, poignant read that shows us why, far from being an irrelevant downtime, our twenties are a developmental sweetspot that comes only once.  Our twenties are a time when the things we do -- and the things we don’t do -- will have an enormous effect across years and even generations to come.

Jay is a clinical psychologist who specializes in adult development, and in twentysomethings in particular. She is an assistant clinical professor at the University of Virginia and maintains a private practice in Charlottesville, Virginia.  She spent her own early twentysomething years as an Outward Bound instructor.

More profile about the speaker
Meg Jay | Speaker | TED.com