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James Veitch: The agony of trying to unsubscribe

James Veitch: Besværet med at forsøge at afmelde sig

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Det sker for os alle: Du afmelder uønskede marketing-mails, og få dage senere lander endnu en besked fra den samme virksomhed i din indbakke. Komikeren James Veitch vendte sin frustration til en leg, da et lokalt supermarked nægtede at acceptere et nej. Latter kan forekomme.

- Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio

It's funnysjov the things you forgetglemme.
Det er sjovt, så meget man glemmer.
00:12
I wentgik to see my mothermor the other day,
and she told me this storyhistorie
Jeg besøgte min mor den anden dag,
og hun fortalte mig en historie,
00:15
that I'd completelyfuldstændig
forgottenglemt about
som jeg havde glemt fuldstændigt,
00:19
how, when we were drivingkørsel togethersammen,
she would pulltrække the carbil over,
om hvordan, når vi var ude at køre sammen,
og hun havde parkeret bilen,
00:21
and by the time she had
gottenfået out of the carbil,
så snart hun steg ud,
00:25
and gonevæk around the carbil
to let me out of the carbil,
før hun kunne nå rundt
om bilen for at lukke mig ud,
00:27
I would have alreadyallerede gottenfået out of the carbil
var jeg allerede ude,
00:29
and pretendedlod to have dieddøde.
og lod som om jeg var død.
00:31
(LaughterLatter)
(Latter)
00:34
(ApplauseBifald)
(Bifald)
00:37
Because that's how you die.
Fordi det er sådan man dør.
00:47
(LaughterLatter)
(Latter)
00:48
And I rememberHusk, that was a gamespil
I used to playSpille with myselfMig selv
Jeg kan huske, det var en leg,
jeg plejede, at lege med mig selv
00:50
to entertainunderholde myselfMig selv wheneverhver gang
I was boredkeder sig or frustratedfrustreret.
for at underholde mig selv,
når jeg kedede mig eller var frustreret.
00:54
(LaughterLatter)
(Latter)
00:58
SettleSettle down.
Grin I bare.
01:00
(LaughterLatter)
(Latter)
01:01
People say we livelevende in an agealder
of informationinformation overloadoverbelaste. Right?
Det siges, at vi lever i en tid
med overflod af informationer
01:03
I don't know about that,
Det ved jeg intet om,
01:06
but I just know that I get
too manymange marketingmarkedsføring emailse-mails.
men jeg ved bare, at jeg får
for mange marketing-mails
01:08
I got a marketingmarkedsføring emaile-mail
from a supermarketsupermarked firmfirma,
Jeg fik en marketing-mail
fra en supermarkedskæde,
01:10
whichhvilken will remainforblive namelessnavnløs
som vil forblive anonym
01:13
for predominantlyovervejende legalgyldige reasonsgrunde,
af hovedsageligt juridiske årsager,
01:14
but whichhvilken I'm going to call "SafeMartSafeMart."
men som jeg her vil kalde "Safemart".
01:16
(LaughterLatter)
(Latter)
01:19
I got an emaile-mail from them,
and it wentgik like this, it said:
Jeg fik en mail fra dem,
hvor de skrev:
01:21
"Just threetre weeksuger untilindtil SafeMartSafeMart
at King'sKongens CrossCross opensåbner!!!"
"Safemart ved King's Cross
åbner om bare tre uger!!!"
01:24
And I resentedilde this,
Jeg blev vred over det,
01:28
because not only do I not rememberHusk
signingsignering up to that,
ikke blot fordi jeg ikke kunne huske,
at have accepteret at modtage deres mails,
01:30
but I resentharmes the factfaktum
that they appearkomme til syne to think
men jeg blev vred over,
at de kunne tro,
01:34
that I should be excitedbegejstret
about a shopbutik openingåbning.
at jeg ville være begejstret for
en butiksåbning.
01:37
So what I did was I scrolledrullet down
to the bottombund of the emaile-mail,
Så det jeg gjorde, var at
gå ned i bunden af mailen
01:41
and I pressedtrykkes på, "UnsubscribeAfmeld."
og trykkede "Afmeld".
01:44
And I thought that'ddet ville be the endende of it.
Og jeg tænkte, at det var dét.
01:46
But a weekuge latersenere,
I got anotheren anden one that said,
Men en uge senere fik jeg
en ny mail:
01:48
"Just two weeksuger
"Bare to uger til
01:50
untilindtil SafeMartSafeMart at King'sKongens CrossCross opensåbner!!!"
at Safemart ved Kings Cross åbner!!!"
01:52
And I thought, obviouslynaturligvis,
I haven'thar ikke clickedklikkede hardhårdt enoughnok.
Og jeg tænkte, at jeg nok
ikke havde klikket hårdt nok.
01:54
So I triedforsøgt it again. Right?
Så jeg prøvede igen.
01:57
LoLo and beholdbeskue, a weekuge passesgennemløb,
you guessedgættet it,
Minsandten - en uge senere -
I har gættet det:
02:00
"Just one weekuge untilindtil SafeMartSafeMart
at King'sKongens CrossCross opensåbner!!!"
"Safemart ved King's Cross åbner
om bare én uge!!!"
02:02
And here'sher er the problemproblem:
Problemet er:
02:06
The internetinternet gavegav us accessadgang to everything;
Internettet har givet os
adgang til alt,
02:08
but it alsoogså gavegav everything accessadgang to us.
men det har også givet alt
adgang til os.
02:11
It's hardhårdt enoughnok to discriminatediskriminerer
Det er allerede svært
at skelne
02:15
betweenmellem the things that genuinelyvirkelig
matterstof in this worldverden
mellem det, der virkelig betyder
noget i verden
02:16
and the minutiaebagateller of life,
og hvad der er bagateller,
02:19
withoutuden havingat have emailse-mails
about supermarketsupermarked chainskæder
uden at modtage mails
fra supermarkedskæder
02:20
and CandySlik CrushKnuse SagaSaga.
og Candy Crush Saga.
02:23
And I was really annoyedirriteret with them,
Jeg var virkelig irriteret på dem
02:26
and I thought, OK, I was about to writeskrive
a stronglystærkt wordedformuleret emaile-mail,
og tænkte, okay, jeg var ved at skrive
en vred mail,
02:28
whichhvilken I can do quitetemmelig well.
som jeg kan gøre
ret godt.
02:31
(LaughterLatter)
(Latter)
02:32
And I thought, no --
Og så tænkte jeg, nej --
02:35
I'm going to find the gamespil.
Jeg er med på legen.
02:37
So I repliedsvarede to it, and I said,
Så jeg svarede og sagde:
02:38
"I literallybogstaveligt talt cannotkan ikke wait!!!!"
"Jeg kan virkelig ikke vente!!!!"
02:41
(LaughterLatter)
(Latter)
02:43
"What do you need from me?"
"Hvad har I brug for fra mig?"
02:47
They got back to me;
a guy calledhedder DanDan said,
De svarede tilbage.
Dan sagde:
02:51
"HiHej JamesJames. I've askedspurgt a colleaguekollega
to help me with your queryforespørgsel."
"Hej James. En kollega har hjulpet
mig med din forespørgsel."
02:53
(LaughterLatter)
(Latter)
02:56
Like it needsbehov help.
Som om der er brug for hjælp.
02:57
And I said, "What's the planplan, DanDan?
Jeg svarede, "Hvad er planen, Dan?
03:00
I'm thinkingtænker fireworksfyrværkeri, bouncyhoppepude castleCastle ..."
Jeg tænker fyrværkeri, hoppeborg ..."
03:02
(LaughterLatter)
(Latter)
03:04
"I'm not sure what you mean."
"Hvad mener du?
03:08
(LaughterLatter)
(Latter)
03:09
I said, "I'm just tremendouslyuhyre
excitedbegejstret about the openingåbning!"
Jeg svarede: "Jeg er bare så
begejstret for åbningen!"
03:11
(LaughterLatter)
(Latter)
03:14
"Do you want to bookBestil
the bouncyhoppepude castleCastle or shallskal I?"
"Bestiller du hoppeborgen,
eller skal jeg?"
03:17
He said, "I think you have misunderstoodmisforstået."
Han svarede, "Du må have misforstået."
03:23
(LaughterLatter)
(Latter)
03:25
"A newny storebutik is openingåbning,
but there is no celebrationfest plannedplanlagt."
"Der bliver åbnet en ny butik,
men vi fejrer det ikke."
03:27
I said, "But what was all the 'Three«Tre weeksuger
untilindtil,' 'Two' To weeksuger until'indtil ' emailse-mails?
Jeg svarede, "Men hvad var meningen
med alle de mails så?
03:31
I was getting excitedbegejstret."
Jeg blev spændt."
03:35
(LaughterLatter)
(Latter)
03:37
"I'm sorry you're disappointedskuffet."
"Jeg er ked af, du er skuffet."
03:40
(LaughterLatter)
(Latter)
03:41
I said, "Not to worrybekymre.
Jeg svarede, "Ingen årsag.
03:45
Let's do something anywayalligevel!
Lad os holde noget alligevel!
03:48
BesidesUdover, the depositdepositum on the bouncyhoppepude
castleCastle was non-refundableikke-refunderbart."
Desuden kan depositummet på
hoppeborgen ikke refunderes."
03:51
(LaughterLatter)
(Latter)
03:54
"If we don't use it, we're out
a few hundredhundrede quidquid, DanDan."
"Bruger vi den ikke, vil et
par tusinde være spildt, Dan"
03:58
(LaughterLatter)
(Latter)
04:01
He said, "MrHr.. VeitchVeitch, I'm not responsibleansvarlig
for anything you have orderedbestilt."
Han svarede, "Mr. Veitch, jeg er ikke
ansvarlig for noget, du har bestilt."
04:04
I said, "Let's not get into who did what.
Jeg svarede, "Lad os ikke hænge os i,
hvem der har gjort hvad.
04:09
BottomBunden linelinje: you and I
are in this togethersammen."
Dybest set: Vi er sammen
om det her."
04:14
(LaughterLatter)
(Latter)
04:16
(ApplauseBifald)
(Bifald)
04:19
"QuestionSpørgsmål: Will you be there
to make sure people take theirderes shoessko off?"
"Spørgsmål: Vil du være der til
at sørge for, at folk tager skoene af?"
04:23
(LaughterLatter)
(Latter)
04:26
I'll be honestærlig, then my relationshipforhold
with DanDan deterioratedforværret somewhatnoget,
Jeg vil være ærlig og sige, at mit
og Dans forhold blev forværret,
04:31
because the nextNæste emaile-mail I got was this:
for den næste mail, jeg fik var:
04:34
"ThanksTak for your emaile-mail -
your CaseSag NumberAntallet is ..."
"Tak for din mail - dit sagsnummer er ..."
04:37
(LaughterLatter)
(Latter)
04:39
That's outrageousuhyrlig.
Jeg blev frustreret.
04:41
I said, "DanDan?"
Jeg svarede, "Dan?"
04:43
(LaughterLatter)
(Latter)
04:44
And I got -- and I was just like,
this is ... -- and I, I ....
Og jeg fik - og jeg var - det er,
og jeg, jeg ...
04:46
And I said, "DannyDanny?"
Og jeg sagde, "Danny?"
04:49
And I thought, this is terribleforfærdeligt.
All I'm doing is collectingopsamling casetilfælde numbersnumre.
Og jeg tænkte, det er forfærdeligt.
Det eneste jeg gør er at samle sagsnumre.
04:51
I said, "D-DogD-hund?"
Jeg svarede, "D-Dog?"
04:56
(LaughterLatter)
(Latter)
04:57
"The storebutik is now openåben."
"Butikken er åbnet nu."
05:00
(LaughterLatter)
(Latter)
05:01
I said, "But DanDan, they mustskal have wonderedspekulerede
why there was no bouncyhoppepude castleCastle."
Jeg svarede, "Men Dan, det må have undret
folk, at der ikke var en hoppeborg."
05:05
And then we were back to this.
Og så var vi tilbage hertil.
05:10
And that mightmagt have been
the endende of the storyhistorie,
Og det kunne have været
afslutningen på historien,
05:15
but I rememberedhusket
that anything -- everything --
men jeg huskede,
at hvad som helst --
05:17
even something as mundanehverdagsagtige
as getting out of a carbil,
selv noget så trivielt
som at stige ud af en bil
05:21
can be funsjovt if you find the right gamespil.
er sjovt, hvis man
gør det til en leg.
05:25
So,
Så,
05:29
this is what I repliedsvarede:
det her var mit svar:
05:31
[ThanksTak for your emaile-mail -
your CaseSag NumberAntallet is #0000001.]
[Tak for din mail - dit sagsnummer
er #0000001.]
05:34
(LaughterLatter)
(Latter)
05:36
(ApplauseBifald)
(Bifald)
05:39
And we just, uh ...
Og vi ...
05:44
(LaughterLatter)
(Latter)
05:46
It was like we were dancingdans.
Det var som om vi dansede.
05:48
It was just a beautifulsmuk relationshipforhold.
Det var et smukt forhold.
05:50
We just keptholdt going.
Vi blev bare ved.
05:52
It was lovelydejlig.
Det var vidunderligt.
05:55
But to be honestærlig, guys,
it was quitetemmelig labor-intensivearbejdskrævende,
Men for at være ærlig,
så var det ret krævende,
05:56
and I had other stuffting og sager to do,
og jeg havde andre ting at tage mig til,
05:59
believe it or not.
tro det eller ej.
06:02
So what I did is I have a little emaile-mail
auto-replierAuto-replier programprogram.
Så jeg brugte et lille
auto-svar-program.
06:05
And I setsæt it up so everyhver time
it receivesmodtager an emaile-mail from SafeMartSafeMart,
Jeg opsatte det til
at sende en mail tilbage til Safemart,
06:12
it just pingspings one back.
når de skrev.
06:15
So I setsæt it up, and it sayssiger,
Så jeg satte en mail op:
06:16
"ThanksTak for your emaile-mail -
your CaseSag NumberAntallet is ..."
"Tak for din mail - dit sagsnummer er ..."
06:18
Then it has a little formulaformel that I wroteskrev
to up the casetilfælde numbernummer everyhver time.
Så har den en lille formel,
der øgede sagsnummeret hver gang.
06:20
And I put it on the serverServer
Jeg lagde den på serveren
06:24
and setsæt it runningløb.
og satte den igang.
06:26
(LaughterLatter)
(Latter)
06:29
I'll be honestærlig, guys --
Jeg vil være ærlig --
06:34
then I forgotglemte about it.
jeg glemte alt om det.
06:36
(LaughterLatter)
(Latter)
06:37
I checkedkontrolleret back on it the other day,
Jeg tjekkede det igen den anden dag,
06:40
and it appearskommer til syne there have been
a numbernummer of emailse-mails going back and forthfrem.
og det viser sig, at der har været
nogle mails frem og tilbage.
06:42
We're on 21,439.
Vi er på nummer 21.439
06:49
(ApplauseBifald)
(Bifald)
06:52
It givesgiver me an immenseumådelig
sensefølelse of satisfactiontilfredshed to know
Det giver mig en enorm
tilfredsstillelse at vide
06:59
that these computercomputer programsprogrammer
are just going to be pingingpinge one anotheren anden
at disse computerprogrammer
vil sende mails til hinanden
07:02
for eternityevigheden.
for evigt.
07:06
And as legacieslegater go,
I don't think that's baddårlig.
Det synes jeg egentlig ikke er skidt.
07:08
So guys, just rememberHusk:
Så bare husk:
07:13
if ever you feel weighedvejes down
by the bureaucracybureaukrati
hvis I nogensinde føler jer
tynget af bureaukrati
07:15
and oftentit mundanitymundanity of modernmoderne life,
eller det moderne livs banaliteter,
07:18
don't fightkæmpe the frustrationfrustration.
så kæmp ikke imod frustrationen.
07:22
Let it be the catalystkatalysator
Lad den være katalysator
07:26
for whimsyskøre indfald.
for sjove påfund.
07:28
(LaughterLatter)
(Latter)
07:31
Thank you.
Tak.
07:34
(ApplauseBifald)
(Bifald)
07:35
Translated by Isabella Møller
Reviewed by Sune Vilsted

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About the speaker:

James Veitch - Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.

Why you should listen

Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK. 

He lives in London with his full body pillow.

More profile about the speaker
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com