TEDSummit
James Veitch: The agony of trying to unsubscribe
Džeimss Vīčs: Atrakstīšanās mokas
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Tā ir gadījies mums visiem: jūs atrakstāties no negribēta mārketinga adresātu saraksta, bet pēc dažām dienām jūsu iesūtnē atkal parādās ziņa no tā paša uzņēmuma. Kad kāds vietējais lielveikals neņēma vērā viņa atteikumu, komiķis Džeimss Vīčs savas dusmas pārvērta pigoros. Ēverģēlības garantētas.
James Veitch - Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
Interesanti, ko tik mēs neaizmirstam.
00:12
It's funny the things you forget.
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00:15
I went to see my mother the other day,
and she told me this story
and she told me this story
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Nesen apciemoju māti,
un viņa man pastāstīja kaut ko,
un viņa man pastāstīja kaut ko,
00:19
that I'd completely
forgotten about
forgotten about
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ko biju pilnīgi aizmirsis.
00:21
how, when we were driving together,
she would pull the car over,
she would pull the car over,
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Kā reiz, kad mēs kaut kur braucām,
viņa apturēja auto,
00:25
and by the time she had
gotten out of the car,
gotten out of the car,
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un, kamēr viņa izkāpa un apgāja
mašīnai apkārt, lai izlaistu ārā mani,
mašīnai apkārt, lai izlaistu ārā mani,
00:27
and gone around the car
to let me out of the car,
to let me out of the car,
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00:29
I would have already gotten out of the car
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es jau biju izkāpis
00:31
and pretended to have died.
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un izlikos par mirušu.
00:34
(Laughter)
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(Smiekli)
00:37
(Applause)
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(Aplausi)
00:47
Because that's how you die.
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Jo tā taču mirst.
00:48
(Laughter)
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(Smiekli)
00:50
And I remember, that was a game
I used to play with myself
I used to play with myself
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Es atceros, ka bieži
spēlēju šo spēli vienatnē,
spēlēju šo spēli vienatnē,
00:54
to entertain myself whenever
I was bored or frustrated.
I was bored or frustrated.
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lai izklaidētos reizēs, kad jutos
garlaikots vai neapmierināts.
garlaikots vai neapmierināts.
00:58
(Laughter)
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(Smiekli)
01:00
Settle down.
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Lai nomierinātos.
01:01
(Laughter)
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(Smiekli)
Runā, ka mēs dzīvojam informācijas
pārslodzes laikmetā, vai ne?
pārslodzes laikmetā, vai ne?
01:03
People say we live in an age
of information overload. Right?
of information overload. Right?
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01:06
I don't know about that,
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To es nezinu,
bet zinu, ka saņemu
par daudz mārketinga e-pastu.
par daudz mārketinga e-pastu.
01:08
but I just know that I get
too many marketing emails.
too many marketing emails.
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01:10
I got a marketing email
from a supermarket firm,
from a supermarket firm,
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Es saņēmu mārketinga ziņu
no kāda lielveikala,
no kāda lielveikala,
01:13
which will remain nameless
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kas paliks neminēts
01:14
for predominantly legal reasons,
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pārsvarā juridisku iemeslu dēļ,
01:16
but which I'm going to call "SafeMart."
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bet kuru dēvēšu par SafeMart.
01:19
(Laughter)
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(Smiekli)
01:21
I got an email from them,
and it went like this, it said:
and it went like this, it said:
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Es saņēmu no viņiem ziņu,
un tajā bija rakstīts:
un tajā bija rakstīts:
01:24
"Just three weeks until SafeMart
at King's Cross opens!!!"
at King's Cross opens!!!"
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„Tikai trīs nedēļas līdz SafeMart
atvēršanai Kingskrosā!!!”
atvēršanai Kingskrosā!!!”
01:28
And I resented this,
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Un mani tas kaitināja,
01:30
because not only do I not remember
signing up to that,
signing up to that,
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jo es ne tikai neatcerējos,
ka būtu piekritis to saņemt,
ka būtu piekritis to saņemt,
01:34
but I resent the fact
that they appear to think
that they appear to think
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bet mani kaitināja arī tas,
ka, viņuprāt, man būtu jāpriecājas
par veikala atvēršanu.
par veikala atvēršanu.
01:37
that I should be excited
about a shop opening.
about a shop opening.
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01:41
So what I did was I scrolled down
to the bottom of the email,
to the bottom of the email,
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Tāpēc es noritināju
līdz pogai ziņas apakšā,
līdz pogai ziņas apakšā,
un uzspiedu „Atrakstīties”.
01:44
and I pressed, "Unsubscribe."
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01:46
And I thought that'd be the end of it.
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Domāju, ka ar to arī viss beigsies.
01:48
But a week later,
I got another one that said,
I got another one that said,
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Bet pēc nedēļas es saņēmu vēl vienu ziņu:
01:50
"Just two weeks
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„Tikai divas nedēļas
01:52
until SafeMart at King's Cross opens!!!"
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līdz SafeMart atvēršanai Kingskrosā!!!”
Nospriedu, ka acīmredzot
pogu neesmu nospiedis kārtīgi.
pogu neesmu nospiedis kārtīgi.
01:54
And I thought, obviously,
I haven't clicked hard enough.
I haven't clicked hard enough.
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01:57
So I tried it again. Right?
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Tāpēc mēģināju atkal. Vai ne?
02:00
Lo and behold, a week passes,
you guessed it,
you guessed it,
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Skat, skat, pēc nedēļas – jūs uzminējāt:
02:02
"Just one week until SafeMart
at King's Cross opens!!!"
at King's Cross opens!!!"
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„Tikai viena nedēļa līdz SafeMart
atvēršanai Kingskrosā!!!”
atvēršanai Kingskrosā!!!”
02:06
And here's the problem:
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Un, lūk, kur nelaime:
02:08
The internet gave us access to everything;
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internets mums ļauj piekļūt visam;
bet tas arī ļauj visiem piekļūt mums.
02:11
but it also gave everything access to us.
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02:15
It's hard enough to discriminate
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Jau tā ir grūti atšķirt
02:16
between the things that genuinely
matter in this world
matter in this world
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šajā pasaulē patiešām svarīgo
02:19
and the minutiae of life,
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no dzīves sīkumiem,
02:20
without having emails
about supermarket chains
about supermarket chains
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pat ja e-pastā nesaņemam ziņas
par lielveikalu ķēdēm
par lielveikalu ķēdēm
02:23
and Candy Crush Saga.
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un Candy Crush Saga.
02:26
And I was really annoyed with them,
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Viņi mani patiešām nokaitināja,
02:28
and I thought, OK, I was about to write
a strongly worded email,
a strongly worded email,
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un es jau grasījos viņiem rakstīt vēstuli
ar kādu skarbāku vārdu,
ar kādu skarbāku vārdu,
ko es protu visai labi.
02:31
which I can do quite well.
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02:32
(Laughter)
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(Smiekli)
02:35
And I thought, no --
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Un tad nodomāju: „Nē...
02:37
I'm going to find the game.
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labāk paspēlēsimies.”
02:38
So I replied to it, and I said,
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Tā nu es atbildēju šādi:
02:41
"I literally cannot wait!!!!"
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„Nevaru vien sagaidīt!!!!”
(Smiekli)
02:43
(Laughter)
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02:47
"What do you need from me?"
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„Ko man paņemt līdzi?”
02:51
They got back to me;
a guy called Dan said,
a guy called Dan said,
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Man atbildēja puisis vārdā Dens:
„Sveiki, Džeims! Es palūdzu kolēģim
padomu šajā jautājumā.”
padomu šajā jautājumā.”
02:53
"Hi James. I've asked a colleague
to help me with your query."
to help me with your query."
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(Smiekli)
02:56
(Laughter)
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It kā tur vēl vajadzētu padomu.
02:57
Like it needs help.
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03:00
And I said, "What's the plan, Dan?
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Un es teicu: „Kāds ir plāns, Den?
03:02
I'm thinking fireworks, bouncy castle ..."
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Varbūt uguņošana, piepūšamā pils...”
03:04
(Laughter)
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(Smiekli)
„Nesaprotu, ko Jūs ar to domājat.”
03:08
"I'm not sure what you mean."
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03:09
(Laughter)
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(Smiekli)
Es teicu: „Es vienkārši esmu
ārkārtīgi priecīgs par atklāšanu!”
ārkārtīgi priecīgs par atklāšanu!”
03:11
I said, "I'm just tremendously
excited about the opening!"
excited about the opening!"
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03:14
(Laughter)
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(Smiekli)
03:17
"Do you want to book
the bouncy castle or shall I?"
the bouncy castle or shall I?"
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„Jūs pasūtīsiet piepūšamo pili,
vai arī man to izdarīt?”
vai arī man to izdarīt?”
03:23
He said, "I think you have misunderstood."
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Viņš atbildēja: „Šķiet, esat pārpratis.
03:25
(Laughter)
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(Smiekli)
03:27
"A new store is opening,
but there is no celebration planned."
but there is no celebration planned."
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Atvērsies jauns veikals,
bet nekādi svētki nav paredzēti.”
bet nekādi svētki nav paredzēti.”
03:31
I said, "But what was all the 'Three weeks
until,' 'Two weeks until' emails?
until,' 'Two weeks until' emails?
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Es teicu: „Bet kā tad ar tām ziņām par
vēl tikai trīs, divām, vienu nedēļa?
vēl tikai trīs, divām, vienu nedēļa?
03:35
I was getting excited."
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Es jau vairs nevaru sagaidīt!”
03:37
(Laughter)
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(Smiekli)
„Man žēl jūs apbēdināt.”
03:40
"I'm sorry you're disappointed."
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(Smiekli)
03:41
(Laughter)
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03:45
I said, "Not to worry.
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Es atbildēju: „Tas nekas.
03:48
Let's do something anyway!
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Uzrīkojam kaut ko tik un tā!
03:51
Besides, the deposit on the bouncy
castle was non-refundable."
castle was non-refundable."
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Turklāt iemaksa par piepūšamo pili
netiek atmaksāta."
netiek atmaksāta."
(Smiekli)
03:54
(Laughter)
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„Ja to neizmantojam, mēs zaudējam
pārsimt mārciņu, Den.”
pārsimt mārciņu, Den.”
03:58
"If we don't use it, we're out
a few hundred quid, Dan."
a few hundred quid, Dan."
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(Smiekli)
04:01
(Laughter)
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04:04
He said, "Mr. Veitch, I'm not responsible
for anything you have ordered."
for anything you have ordered."
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Viņš atbildēja: „Vīča kungs, es neesmu
atbildīgs par jūsu pasūtījumiem.”
atbildīgs par jūsu pasūtījumiem.”
04:09
I said, "Let's not get into who did what.
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Es atbildēju: „Nesāksim strīdēties
par to, kurš ko izdarīja.
par to, kurš ko izdarīja.
04:14
Bottom line: you and I
are in this together."
are in this together."
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Galvenais, ka tajā visā
esam iesaistīti mēs abi.”
esam iesaistīti mēs abi.”
04:16
(Laughter)
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(Smiekli)
04:19
(Applause)
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(Aplausi)
04:23
"Question: Will you be there
to make sure people take their shoes off?"
to make sure people take their shoes off?"
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„Jautājums: vai tu tur būsi,
lai gādātu, ka cilvēki novelk kurpes?
lai gādātu, ka cilvēki novelk kurpes?
04:26
(Laughter)
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(Smiekli)
04:31
I'll be honest, then my relationship
with Dan deteriorated somewhat,
with Dan deteriorated somewhat,
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Godīgi sakot, pēc tā manas attiecības
ar Denu nedaudz pasliktinājās,
ar Denu nedaudz pasliktinājās,
04:34
because the next email I got was this:
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jo nākamā ziņa, ko saņēmu, bija šāda:
04:37
"Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is ..."
your Case Number is ..."
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„Paldies par jūsu vēstuli.
Jūsu lietas numurs ir ...”
Jūsu lietas numurs ir ...”
04:39
(Laughter)
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(Smiekli)
04:41
That's outrageous.
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Tas ir nepieņemami.
04:43
I said, "Dan?"
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Es teicu: „Den?”
04:44
(Laughter)
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(Smiekli)
04:46
And I got -- and I was just like,
this is ... -- and I, I ....
this is ... -- and I, I ....
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Un saņēmu... un es teicu:
tas ir... Un es, es...
tas ir... Un es, es...
04:49
And I said, "Danny?"
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Es teicu: „Denij?”
04:51
And I thought, this is terrible.
All I'm doing is collecting case numbers.
All I'm doing is collecting case numbers.
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Un es nodomāju, ka tas ir briesmīgi.
Es tikai vācu lietu numurus.
Es tikai vācu lietu numurus.
04:56
I said, "D-Dog?"
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Es teicu: „Denčik?”
04:57
(Laughter)
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(Smiekli)
05:00
"The store is now open."
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„Veikals nu ir atvērts.”
05:01
(Laughter)
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(Smiekli)
05:05
I said, "But Dan, they must have wondered
why there was no bouncy castle."
why there was no bouncy castle."
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Es teicu: „Bet, Den, cilvēki droši vien
jautāja, kāpēc nav piepūšamās pils.”
jautāja, kāpēc nav piepūšamās pils.”
05:10
And then we were back to this.
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Un tad mēs atkal atgriezāmies pie tā.
05:15
And that might have been
the end of the story,
the end of the story,
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Un tās varētu būt stāsta beigas,
05:17
but I remembered
that anything -- everything --
that anything -- everything --
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bet es atcerējos, ka jebkas, viss,
05:21
even something as mundane
as getting out of a car,
as getting out of a car,
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pat kaut kas tik ikdienišķs
kā izkāpšana no mašīnas,
kā izkāpšana no mašīnas,
05:25
can be fun if you find the right game.
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var būt jautra, ja spēlē pareizi.
05:29
So,
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Tādēļ,
05:31
this is what I replied:
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lūk, ko es atbildēju:
[Paldies par jūsu vēstuli –
jūsu lietas numurs ir #0000001.]
jūsu lietas numurs ir #0000001.]
05:34
[Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is #0000001.]
your Case Number is #0000001.]
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05:36
(Laughter)
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(Smiekli)
(Aplausi)
05:39
(Applause)
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05:44
And we just, uh ...
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Un mēs vienkārši...
05:46
(Laughter)
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(Smiekli)
05:48
It was like we were dancing.
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Tā bija kā deja.
05:50
It was just a beautiful relationship.
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Tās bija brīnišķīgas attiecības.
05:52
We just kept going.
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Tā tas turpinājās.
05:55
It was lovely.
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Tas bija jauki.
05:56
But to be honest, guys,
it was quite labor-intensive,
it was quite labor-intensive,
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Bet, godīgi sakot,
tas bija visai darbietilpīgi,
tas bija visai darbietilpīgi,
05:59
and I had other stuff to do,
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un man bija arī citi darāmie,
06:02
believe it or not.
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ticiet vai ne.
06:05
So what I did is I have a little email
auto-replier program.
auto-replier program.
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Tāpēc es izveidoju nelielu
e-pasta atbildētājprogrammu.
e-pasta atbildētājprogrammu.
06:12
And I set it up so every time
it receives an email from SafeMart,
it receives an email from SafeMart,
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Es iestatīju, ka katru reizi,
kad saņemu ziņu no SafeMart,
kad saņemu ziņu no SafeMart,
tā nosūta ziņu atpakaļ.
06:15
it just pings one back.
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Es to izveidoju, un tā raksta:
06:16
So I set it up, and it says,
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„Paldies par jūsu vēstuli –
jūsu lietas numurs ir ...”
jūsu lietas numurs ir ...”
06:18
"Thanks for your email -
your Case Number is ..."
your Case Number is ..."
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06:20
Then it has a little formula that I wrote
to up the case number every time.
to up the case number every time.
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Tajā ir maza formuliņa, lai katru reizi
pieaugtu lietas numurs.
pieaugtu lietas numurs.
06:24
And I put it on the server
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Un es to uzliku uz servera
06:26
and set it running.
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un palaidu.
(Smiekli)
06:29
(Laughter)
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06:34
I'll be honest, guys --
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Teikšu godīgi,
06:36
then I forgot about it.
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tad es par to aizmirsu.
06:37
(Laughter)
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(Smiekli)
06:40
I checked back on it the other day,
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Pirms pāris dienām es to pārbaudīju,
06:42
and it appears there have been
a number of emails going back and forth.
a number of emails going back and forth.
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un izskatās, ka mūsu e-pasta sarakste
ir bijusi visai aktīva.
ir bijusi visai aktīva.
06:49
We're on 21,439.
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Mēs esam pie numur 21 439.
06:52
(Applause)
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(Aplausi)
06:59
It gives me an immense
sense of satisfaction to know
sense of satisfaction to know
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Mani pārņem milzīgs apmierinājums,
kad domāju par to,
kad domāju par to,
07:02
that these computer programs
are just going to be pinging one another
are just going to be pinging one another
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kā šīs datorprogrammas
sūtīs viena otrai ziņas
sūtīs viena otrai ziņas
07:06
for eternity.
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līdz bezgalībai.
07:08
And as legacies go,
I don't think that's bad.
I don't think that's bad.
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Un, manuprāt, tas nav nemaz tik slikts
mantojums nākamajām paaudzēm.
mantojums nākamajām paaudzēm.
07:13
So guys, just remember:
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Tāpēc atcerieties:
07:15
if ever you feel weighed down
by the bureaucracy
by the bureaucracy
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ja kādreiz jūtaties
birokrātijas un mūsdienu pasaules
ikdienišķuma nomākts,
ikdienišķuma nomākts,
07:18
and often mundanity of modern life,
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07:22
don't fight the frustration.
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necīnieties ar šo sajūtu.
07:26
Let it be the catalyst
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Ļaujiet tai veicināt
07:28
for whimsy.
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pigorus.
(Smiekli)
07:31
(Laughter)
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07:34
Thank you.
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Paldies.
07:35
(Applause)
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(Aplausi)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writerFor James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.
Why you should listen
Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK.
He lives in London with his full body pillow.
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com