Emily Nagoski: The truth about unwanted arousal
Emily Nagoski teaches women to live with confidence and joy inside their bodies. Full bio
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is I bring the science.
is that I stay neutral
no judgment, no shame,
in a hotel lobby once,
and a colleague chases me down.
a really quick question.
to get addicted to her vibrator."
but it is possible to get spoiled.
this one in an outdoor tropical paradise,
and a couple approaches me.
about premature ejaculation."
about the stop/start technique."
other people might "squick."
that combines surprise
what to do with your hands.
the first two decades of your life
and disgusting source of everlasting shame
no one will ever love you.
hearing me talk about sex
full of strangers -- that is normal.
to get to the light at the end.
today a piece of science
how I think about everything,
in our emotional brain,
you've probably heard referred to
your face your nose.
and will leave you really confused
how faces work.
but separable systems.
in your emotional brain.
on the tongue of a newborn infant,
sets off fireworks.
by this vast dopaminergic network
or away from a stimulus.
following you around,
in response to a bell.
that the dog wants to eat the bell?
finds the bell delicious?
was make the bell food-related.
of wanting, liking and learning,
an explanatory framework
of predictive relationship
response, like salivation,
of pleasure and desire.
and motivational system that we have,
blood flow can increase
are not also associated
of wanting and liking.
and subjective experience
about that sex-related stimulus
at their genital blood flow.
he gave me the best possible example.
when I was in high school, I ...
to the phrase 'doughnut hole.'"
flooded with testosterone,
a little bit sex-related.
to get an erection one evening,
morning with an erection,
a 30-something friend, a woman,
were in the middle of doing some things
you're just being nice.'
should I talk to a doctor,
talk to a medical provider.
just doesn't necessarily predict
of liking and wanting.
of power play in a sexual relationship.
she's standing up and he positions her
against her clitoris, like this.
and the guy leaves.
and she says, "I am bored."
and he looks at the bar
directly against your clitoris?
she wants or likes what's happening?
she wants or likes what's happening?
what she wanted and liked.
what's the solution?
"Listen to your words."
that a student sent me
about arousal nonconcordance.
a new partner, glad to be doing things,
as she was interested in going
you're so ready, don't be shy."
and confidence she had
and Time's Up, people ask me,
what my partner wants and likes?
and contractual now?"
cultural conversation about that.
how clear consent is
what they wanted and liked:
they were wrong.
that you feel something else.
and motivational system we have.
when I bite into a wormy apple,
who get it wrong.
published a document
I Had Known Before I Presided
of Sexual Assault."
may experience a physical response,
in the sense of desire or mutuality."
into the darkness,
we will find our way into the light.
involving multiple instances
responds to the case?
orgasm is physiological;
involuntary release of tension,
to sex-related stimuli.
the jury knew about those orgasms
could be construed as consent.
being abused by an adult in the family.
all kind of feelings,
in a room full of strangers,
all of the messy feelings,
to the light of compassion
with her body was damaged
to protect it.
that there was a trustworthy adult
doesn't mean it was wanted or liked,
it was consented to.
are why I travel all over,
to anyone who will listen.
even as I say the words.
in front of 1000 strangers.
who has experienced sexual violence --
it's a sex-related stimulus.
or a lawyer you know,
on a jury in a sexual assault case.
that your body doesn't respond
or like what's happening,
teenager in your life
what, even, what?
and your mouth waters,
how much you like it."
what I want or like.
very dark forces in our culture.
that little bit better, a little simpler
on the phone, worried that she's broken.
for having the courage
and we're very grateful to you.
at the top of the talk,
that you get asked all the time
so you don't have to answer it 1000 times
pretty much all the other questions,
with my erectile dysfunction?
the question, "Am I normal?"
what you want your sexuality to be?
or do you want awesome sex in your life?
asking me is, "Do I belong?"
a resounding yes.
the only limit there is, there are two:
unwanted sexual pain,
is free and glad to be there,
anything that you want to.
there is no box you have to fit into,
consent and no unwanted pain,
whatever you want.
ABOUT THE SPEAKEREmily Nagoski - Sex educator
Emily Nagoski teaches women to live with confidence and joy inside their bodies.
Why you should listen
Emily Nagoski is a sex educator and the author of the best-selling Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life. As she writes: "As an undergrad at the University of Delaware, I wanted some volunteer work for my resume, so I got trained as a peer sex educator, going into residence halls to talk about condoms, contraception and consent. Though I loved the brain science I was studying in my classes (BA in psychology, minors in cognitive science and philosophy), it was my work as a sex educator that made me like who I am as a person. So that's the path I chose. I went to Indiana University for an MS in counseling and PhD in health behavior, completing a clinical internship at the Kinsey Institute, then went on to work at Smith College, where I taught a class called Women’s Sexuality.
"That first semester at Smith, I asked my students, as the last question on the final exam, 'What's one important thing you learned?' Half the students answered simply, 'I'm normal.' I decided that day to write Come As You Are, to share the science and sex positivity that helped my students know they're normal."
Emily Nagoski | Speaker | TED.com