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Emily Nagoski: How couples can sustain a strong sexual connection for a lifetime
Emily Nagoski: Kako parovi mogu održati snažnu seksualnu povezanost cijeli život
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Edukatoricu o spolnosti, Emily Nagoski, često pitaju: kako da parovi održe snažnu seksualnu povezanost na duge staze? U ovom zabavnom i pronicljivom govoru daje nam odgovor -- (ponešto iznenađujuće) izvlačeći zaključke iz istraživanja, otkriva nam zašto neki parovi prestanu imati seksualne odnose dok drugi doživotno održavaju povezanost.
Emily Nagoski - Sex educator
Emily Nagoski teaches women to live with confidence and joy inside their bodies. Full bio
Emily Nagoski teaches women to live with confidence and joy inside their bodies. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
I'm sitting in a bar
with a couple of friends --
with a couple of friends --
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Sjedim u kafiću s parom prijatelja --
00:15
literally, a couple, married couple.
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doslovno s parom, vjenčanim parom.
00:16
They're the parents of two young children,
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Roditelji su dvoje male djece,
00:19
seven academic degrees between them,
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zajedno imaju sedam završenih obrazovanja,
00:21
big nerds, really nice people
but very sleep-deprived.
but very sleep-deprived.
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veliki štreberi, zaista krasni ljudi,
ali s velikim manjkom sna.
ali s velikim manjkom sna.
00:25
And they ask me the question
I get asked more than any other question.
I get asked more than any other question.
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I postave mi pitanje koje me ljudi pitaju
češće od bilo kojeg drugog pitanja.
češće od bilo kojeg drugog pitanja.
00:31
They go, "So, Emily,
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Kažu, "Pa, Emily,
00:33
how do couples, you know,
sustain a strong sexual connection
sustain a strong sexual connection
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kako da parovi, znaš, održe
jaku seksualnu povezanost
jaku seksualnu povezanost
00:39
over multiple decades?"
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tijekom više desetljeća?"
Ja sam edukatorica o spolnosti, zbog čega
me prijatelji ispituju ovakva pitanja,
me prijatelji ispituju ovakva pitanja,
00:42
I'm a sex educator, which is why
my friends ask me questions like this,
my friends ask me questions like this,
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00:45
and I am also a big nerd like my friends.
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a također sam i veliki štreber
poput mojih prijatelja.
poput mojih prijatelja.
00:48
I love science, which is why
I can give them something like an answer.
I can give them something like an answer.
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Obožavam znanost, zbog čega im i mogu
ponuditi nekakav odgovor.
ponuditi nekakav odgovor.
00:52
Research actually has
pretty solid evidence
pretty solid evidence
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Istraživanja zapravo nude
vrlo čvrste dokaze
vrlo čvrste dokaze
00:54
that couples who sustain
strong sexual connections
strong sexual connections
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da parovi koji održavaju
jako seksualnu povezanost
jako seksualnu povezanost
00:57
over multiple decades
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tijekom više desetljeća,
00:58
have two things in common.
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imaju dvije zajedničke stvari.
Prije negoli kažem svojim prijateljima
koje su to dvije stvari,
koje su to dvije stvari,
01:01
Before I can tell my friends
what those two things are,
what those two things are,
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01:04
I have to tell them a few things
that they are not.
that they are not.
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moram im spomenuti nekoliko
stvari koje to nisu.
stvari koje to nisu.
01:06
These are not couples
who have sex very often.
who have sex very often.
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To nisu parovi koji često
imaju spolne odnose.
imaju spolne odnose.
01:10
Almost none of us have sex very often.
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Gotovo nitko od nas nema
često spolne odnose.
često spolne odnose.
01:14
We are busy.
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Zauzeti smo.
01:16
They are also not couples who necessarily
have wild, adventurous sex.
have wild, adventurous sex.
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To nisu ni parovi koji nužno imaju
divlji, avanturistički seks.
divlji, avanturistički seks.
01:19
One recent study actually found
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Nedavna studija zapravo je otkrila
01:21
that the couples
who are most strongly predicted
who are most strongly predicted
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da parovi za koje je najvjerojatnije
01:25
to have strong sexual
and relationship satisfaction,
and relationship satisfaction,
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da će imati jako zadovoljstvo
vezom i spolnošću,
vezom i spolnošću,
01:29
the best predictor of that
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najbolje predviđanje za to
01:30
is not what kind of sex they have
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nije kakav seks imaju,
01:32
or how often or where they have it
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ni koliko često, niti gdje,
01:34
but whether they cuddle after sex.
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nego maze li se nakon seksa.
01:37
And they are not necessarily couples
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I to nisu nužno parovi
01:39
who constantly can't wait
to keep their hands off each other.
to keep their hands off each other.
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koji neprestano ne mogu maknuti
ruke jedno s drugoga.
ruke jedno s drugoga.
01:42
Some of them are.
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Neki od njih su takvi.
01:43
They experience what the researchers
call "spontaneous desire,"
call "spontaneous desire,"
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Oni doživljavaju ono što istraživači
nazivaju "spontanom žudnjom",
nazivaju "spontanom žudnjom",
01:47
that just sort of seems
to appear out of the blue.
to appear out of the blue.
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koja se nekako samo pojavi niotkud.
01:49
Erika Moen, the cartoonist
who illustrated my book,
who illustrated my book,
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Erika Moen, crtačica stripova
koja je ilustrirala moju knjigu,
koja je ilustrirala moju knjigu,
01:52
draws spontaneous desire
as a lightning bolt to the genitals --
as a lightning bolt to the genitals --
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crta spontanu žudnju kao
munju koja sijevne u genitalija --
munju koja sijevne u genitalija --
01:56
kaboom! -- you just want it
out of the blue.
out of the blue.
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bum! -- samo odjednom to poželiš.
01:59
That is absolutely one normal,
healthy way to experience sexual desire.
healthy way to experience sexual desire.
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To je sasvim jedan normalan, zdrav način
doživljavanja spolne žudnje.
doživljavanja spolne žudnje.
02:03
But there's another healthy way
to experience sexual desire.
to experience sexual desire.
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Ali postoji još jedan zdrav način
doživljavanja spolne žudnje.
doživljavanja spolne žudnje.
02:06
It's called "responsive desire."
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Naziva se "reaktivna žudnja".
02:09
Where spontaneous desire seems
to emerge in anticipation of pleasure,
to emerge in anticipation of pleasure,
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Dok se spontana žudnja pojavi
u očekivanju ugode,
u očekivanju ugode,
02:14
responsive desire emerges
in response to pleasure.
in response to pleasure.
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reaktivna žudnja se pojavi
kao reakcija na ugodu.
kao reakcija na ugodu.
02:18
There's a sex therapist in New Jersey
named Christine Hyde,
named Christine Hyde,
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Seksualna terapeutkinja u New Jerseyu,
Christine Hyde,
Christine Hyde,
02:21
who taught me this great metaphor
she uses with her clients.
she uses with her clients.
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naučila me sjajnoj metafori
koju koristi sa svojim klijentima.
koju koristi sa svojim klijentima.
02:24
She says, imagine that your best friend
invites you to a party.
invites you to a party.
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Kaže, zamisli da te najbolji prijatelj
pozove na tulum.
pozove na tulum.
02:27
You say yes because
it's your best friend and a party.
it's your best friend and a party.
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Pristaneš zato što je to tvoj najbolji
prijatelj i radi se o tulumu.
prijatelj i radi se o tulumu.
02:31
But then, as the date approaches,
you start thinking,
you start thinking,
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Ali onda, kako se bliži taj dan,
počneš razmišljati,
počneš razmišljati,
02:34
"Aw, there's going to be all this traffic.
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"Uh, bit će toliko prometa.
02:36
We have to find child care.
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Moramo se pobrinuti za dadilju.
02:38
Am I really going to want
to put my party clothes on
to put my party clothes on
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Hoću li doista željeti obući
odjeću za tulumarenje
odjeću za tulumarenje
02:41
and get there at the end of the week?"
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i otići tamo na kraju tjedna?"
02:42
But you put on your party clothes
and you show up to the party,
and you show up to the party,
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Ali obučeš odjeću za tulumarenje
i pojaviš se na tulumu,
i pojaviš se na tulumu,
02:46
and what happens?
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i što se dogodi?
02:47
You have a good time at the party.
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Dobro se provedeš na tulumu.
02:49
If you are having fun at the party,
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Ako se zabavljaš na tulumu,
02:52
you are doing it right.
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činiš ispravnu stvar.
02:54
When it comes to a sexual connection,
it's the same thing.
it's the same thing.
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Kada se radi o spolnoj povezanosti,
potpuno je jednako.
potpuno je jednako.
02:57
You put on your party clothes,
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Obučeš odjeću za tulumarenje,
02:58
you set up the child care,
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pobrineš se za dadilju,
03:00
you put your body in the bed,
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staviš svoje tijelo u krevet,
03:02
you let your skin
touch your partner's skin
touch your partner's skin
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dopustiš svojoj koži da dira
partnerovu kožu,
partnerovu kožu,
03:04
and allow your body
to wake up and remember,
to wake up and remember,
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i dopustiš svome tijelu
da se probudi i podsjeti,
da se probudi i podsjeti,
03:07
"Oh, right! I like this.
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"Pa da! Sviđa mi se ovo.
03:09
I like this person!"
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Sviđa mi se ova osoba!"
03:11
That's responsive desire,
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To je reaktivna žudnja,
03:13
and it is key to understanding the couples
who sustain a strong sexual connection
who sustain a strong sexual connection
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i ključna je za razumijevanje parova
koji održavaju jaku spolnu povezanost
koji održavaju jaku spolnu povezanost
03:18
over the long term,
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u dugotrajnom razdoblju,
03:19
because -- and this is the part
where I tell my friends
where I tell my friends
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zato što -- i ovo je dio
kada kažem prijateljima
kada kažem prijateljima
03:22
the two characteristics of the couples who
do sustain a strong sexual connection --
do sustain a strong sexual connection --
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dvije osobine parova koji održavaju
jaku spolnu povezanost --
jaku spolnu povezanost --
03:26
one, they have a strong friendship
at the foundation of their relationship.
at the foundation of their relationship.
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prvo, imaju snažno prijateljstvo
u temelju svoje veze.
u temelju svoje veze.
03:31
Specifically, they have strong trust.
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Posebno imaju jako povjerenje.
03:34
Relationship researcher and therapist,
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Istraživačica veza i terapeutkinja,
koja je razvila terapiju
usmjerenu na emocije,
usmjerenu na emocije,
03:36
developer of emotionally focused therapy,
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03:38
Sue Johnson,
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Sue Johnson,
03:39
boils trust down to this question:
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sažima povjerenje na ovo pitanje:
03:41
Are you there for me?
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Jesi li tu za mene?
03:44
Especially, are you emotionally
present and available for me?
present and available for me?
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Osobito, jesi li emocionalno prisutan
i jesi li mi dostupan?
i jesi li mi dostupan?
03:48
Friends are there for each other.
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Prijatelji su tu jedni za druge.
03:51
One.
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Prvo.
03:52
The second characteristic
is that they prioritize sex.
is that they prioritize sex.
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Druga osobina jest da stavljaju
seks na vrh prioriteta.
seks na vrh prioriteta.
03:57
They decide that it matters
for their relationship.
for their relationship.
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Odluče da im je on važan za vezu.
04:01
They choose to set aside all the other
things that they could be doing --
things that they could be doing --
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Odabiru staviti postrani sve ostale
stvari koje bi mogli raditi --
stvari koje bi mogli raditi --
04:06
the children they could be raising
and the jobs they could be going to,
and the jobs they could be going to,
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djecu koju bi mogli odgajati
i poslove na koje bi mogli odlaziti,
i poslove na koje bi mogli odlaziti,
04:09
the other family members
to pay attention to,
to pay attention to,
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druge članove obitelji kojima
bi mogli posvetiti pažnju,
bi mogli posvetiti pažnju,
druge prijatelje s kojima se
možda žele družiti.
možda žele družiti.
04:12
the other friends they might
want to hang out with.
want to hang out with.
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Ili, nedajbože, samo žele
gledati televiziju ili spavati.
gledati televiziju ili spavati.
04:14
God forbid they just want
to watch some television or go to sleep.
to watch some television or go to sleep.
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04:17
Stop doing all that stuff
and create a protected space
and create a protected space
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Prestanite činiti sve te stvari
i stvorite zaštićen prostor
i stvorite zaštićen prostor
04:21
where all you're going to do
is put your body in the bed
is put your body in the bed
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u kojem će sve što činite biti
da stavite svoje tijelo u krevet
da stavite svoje tijelo u krevet
04:24
and let your skin
touch your partner's skin.
touch your partner's skin.
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i dopustite svojoj koži da dira
kožu vašeg partnera.
kožu vašeg partnera.
04:28
So that's it:
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I to je to:
04:29
best friends,
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najbolji prijatelji,
04:30
prioritize sex.
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stavljanje seksa na vrh prioriteta.
04:33
So I said this to my friends in the bar.
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Pa sam to rekla prijateljima u kafiću.
04:35
I was like, best friends, prioritize sex,
I told them about the party,
I told them about the party,
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Rekla sam, najbolji prijatelji, seks kao
prioritet, ispričala sam im o tulumu,
prioritet, ispričala sam im o tulumu,
rekoh im, stavi svoju kožu uz partnerovu.
04:38
I said you put your skin
next to your partner's skin.
next to your partner's skin.
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04:41
And one of the partners
I was talking to goes, "Aaagh."
I was talking to goes, "Aaagh."
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I jedan od partnera s kojima
sam pričala kaže "Aaah".
sam pričala kaže "Aaah".
04:46
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
04:47
And I was like, "OK,
so, there's your problem."
so, there's your problem."
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Kažem, "U redu, eto,
u tome je vaš problem."
u tome je vaš problem."
04:49
(Laughter)
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(Smijeh)
Problem nije nužno bio u tome
što oni ne bi željeli ići na tulum.
što oni ne bi željeli ići na tulum.
04:50
The difficulty was not that they did not
want to go to the party, necessarily.
want to go to the party, necessarily.
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04:54
If the difficulty is just a lack
of spontaneous desire for party,
of spontaneous desire for party,
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Ako je problem samo manjak
spontane žudnje za tulumom,
spontane žudnje za tulumom,
04:58
you know what to do:
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znate što vam je činiti:
04:59
you put on your party clothes
and show up for the party.
and show up for the party.
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obučete odjeću za tulumarenje
i pojavite se na tulumu.
i pojavite se na tulumu.
Ako se zabavljate na tulumu,
sve činite ispravno.
sve činite ispravno.
05:01
If you're having fun at the party,
you're doing it right.
you're doing it right.
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Njihov problem bio je da na ovom tulumu
05:04
Their difficulty was that this was a party
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05:06
where she didn't love
what there was available to eat,
what there was available to eat,
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njoj se nisu sviđala ponuđena jela,
05:10
the music was not her favorite music,
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nije joj se sviđala glazba,
05:12
and she wasn't totally sure she felt great
about her relationships with people
about her relationships with people
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i nije bila posve sigurna da se dobro
osjeća u odnosima s drugim ljudima
osjeća u odnosima s drugim ljudima
05:16
who were at the party.
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koji su bili na tulumu.
05:17
And this happens all the time:
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I ovo se neprestano događa:
05:19
nice people who love each other
come to dread sex.
come to dread sex.
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dragi ljudi koji se vole s vremenom
se počnu užasavati seksa.
se počnu užasavati seksa.
05:25
These couples, if they seek sex therapy,
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Takvi parovi, ako zatraže spolnu terapiju,
05:27
the therapist might have them stand up
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terapeut će im vjerojatno reći da ustanu
05:29
and put as much distance
between their bodies as they need
between their bodies as they need
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i odmaknu se na udaljenost
između tijela koliko im je potrebno
između tijela koliko im je potrebno
05:32
in order to feel comfortable,
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kako bi se osjećali ugodno,
05:34
and the less interested partner
will make 20 feet of space.
will make 20 feet of space.
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a partner s manje interesa će
se udaljiti na šest metara.
se udaljiti na šest metara.
05:39
And the really difficult part
is that space is not empty.
is that space is not empty.
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Ono što je stvarno komplicirano
jest da taj prostor nije prazan.
jest da taj prostor nije prazan.
05:43
It is crowded with weeks or months or more
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Ispunjen je tjednima, mjesecima ili duže
05:48
of the, "You're not listening to me,"
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ovoga: "Ne slušaš me",
05:50
and "I don't know what's wrong with me
but your criticism isn't helping,"
but your criticism isn't helping,"
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i "Ne znam u čemu griješim,
ali tvoje kritike mi ne pomažu",
ali tvoje kritike mi ne pomažu",
05:53
and, "If you loved me, you would,"
and, "You're not there for me."
and, "You're not there for me."
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i "Ako me voliš, učinio bi to",
i "Nisi tu za mene".
i "Nisi tu za mene".
05:56
Years, maybe, of all
these difficult feelings.
these difficult feelings.
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Možda i godine svih tih
zamršenih osjećaja.
zamršenih osjećaja.
06:00
In the book, I use
this really silly metaphor
this really silly metaphor
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U knjizi koristim jednu smiješnu metaforu
06:03
of difficult feelings as sleepy hedgehogs
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zamršenih osjećaja kao pospanih ježeva
06:06
that you are fostering until
you can find a way to set them free
you can find a way to set them free
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o kojima se brinete sve dok ne
nađete način da ih oslobodite
nađete način da ih oslobodite
06:10
by turning toward them
with kindness and compassion.
with kindness and compassion.
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na način da im priđete
nježnošću i suosjećanjem.
nježnošću i suosjećanjem.
06:14
And the couples who struggle
to maintain a strong sexual connection,
to maintain a strong sexual connection,
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A kod parova koji se bore da zadrže
jaku seksualnu povezanost,
jaku seksualnu povezanost,
06:17
the distance between them
is crowded with these sleepy hedgehogs.
is crowded with these sleepy hedgehogs.
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udaljenost među njima je nagužvana
takvim pospanim ježevima.
takvim pospanim ježevima.
06:21
And it happens in any relationship
that lasts long enough.
that lasts long enough.
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I to se događa u bilo kojoj
dovoljno dugoj vezi.
dovoljno dugoj vezi.
06:24
You, too, are fostering
a prickle of sleepy hedgehogs
a prickle of sleepy hedgehogs
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I vi također brinete o nakupini bodlji
tih pospanih ježeva
tih pospanih ježeva
06:28
between you and your certain
special someone.
special someone.
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između vas i vaše posebne osobe.
06:30
The difference between couples
who sustain a strong sexual connection
who sustain a strong sexual connection
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Razlika između parova koji
održe jaku seksualnu povezanost
održe jaku seksualnu povezanost
i onih koji to ne uspiju
06:34
and the ones who don't
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nije u tome da oni ne dožive
te zamršene povređujuće osjećaje,
te zamršene povređujuće osjećaje,
06:35
is not that they don't experience
these difficult hurt feelings,
these difficult hurt feelings,
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06:39
it's that they turn towards
those difficult feelings
those difficult feelings
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nego u tome da se oni okrenu
tim zamršenim osjećajima
tim zamršenim osjećajima
06:41
with kindness and compassion
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nježnošću i suosjećanjem
06:44
so that they can set them free
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kako bi ih mogli osloboditi
06:46
and find their way back to each other.
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i pronaći put natrag jednog ka drugome.
06:49
So my friends in the bar are faced
with the question under the question,
with the question under the question,
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Pa su se moji prijatelji u kafiću suočili
s pitanjem ispod pitanja,
s pitanjem ispod pitanja,
06:53
not, "How do we sustain
a strong connection?"
a strong connection?"
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ne "Kako da održimo jaku povezanost?",
06:56
but, "How do we find our way back to it?"
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nego "Kako da nađemo put nazad k njoj?"
06:59
And, yes, there is science
to answer this question,
to answer this question,
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I da, znanost može odgovoriti
na to pitanje,
na to pitanje,
07:02
but in 25 years as a sex educator,
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ali u svojih 25 godina kao
edukator o spolnosti,
edukator o spolnosti,
07:04
one thing I have learned
is sometimes, Emily,
is sometimes, Emily,
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naučila sam jednu stvar, ponekad, Emily,
07:06
less science,
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manje znanosti,
07:09
more hedgehogs.
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više ježeva.
07:10
So I told them about me.
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Pa sam im ispričala o sebi.
07:12
I spent many months writing a book about
the science of women's sexual well-being.
the science of women's sexual well-being.
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Provela sam mnogo mjeseci pišući knjigu o
znanosti ženskog seksualnog blagostanja.
znanosti ženskog seksualnog blagostanja.
07:18
I was thinking about sex
all day, every day,
all day, every day,
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Razmišljala sam o seksu
cijeli dan, svakodnevno,
cijeli dan, svakodnevno,
07:21
and I was so stressed by the project
that I had zero -- zero! -- interest
that I had zero -- zero! -- interest
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i bila sam toliko nervozna zbog tog
projekta da sam imala nula interesa
projekta da sam imala nula interesa
07:25
in actually having any sex.
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za ikakve seksualne odnose.
07:28
And then I spent months
traveling all over,
traveling all over,
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Zatim sam provela mjesece
putujući posvuda,
putujući posvuda,
07:30
talking with anyone who would listen
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pričajući s bilo kim tko bi poslušao
07:32
about the science
of women's sexual well-being.
of women's sexual well-being.
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o znanosti ženskog seksualnog blagostanja.
07:34
And by the time I got home, you know,
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Dok sam se vratila kući, znate,
07:36
I'd show up for the party,
put my body in the bed,
put my body in the bed,
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pojavila bih se na tulumu,
stavila bih svoje tijelo u krevet,
stavila bih svoje tijelo u krevet,
07:39
let my skin touch my partner's skin,
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pustila bih da moja koža dira partnerovu,
07:41
and I was so exhausted and overwhelmed
I would just cry and fall asleep.
I would just cry and fall asleep.
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i bila sam toliko iscrpljena i opterećena
da bih se rasplakala i zaspala.
da bih se rasplakala i zaspala.
07:46
And the months of isolation
fostered fear and loneliness
fostered fear and loneliness
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Mjeseci odvojenosti stvorili
su strah, usamljenost
su strah, usamljenost
07:52
and frustration.
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i frustraciju.
07:54
So many hedgehogs.
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Toliko ježeva.
07:57
My best friend, this person
I love and admire,
I love and admire,
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Moj najbolji prijatelj, ta osoba
koju volim i kojoj se divim,
koju volim i kojoj se divim,
08:01
felt a million miles away.
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činio se udaljen milijun kilometara.
08:05
But ...
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Ali...
08:07
he was still there for me.
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i dalje je bio tu za mene.
08:08
No matter how many
difficult feelings there were,
difficult feelings there were,
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Bez obzira koliko zamršenih
osjećaja postojalo,
osjećaja postojalo,
08:12
he turned toward them
with kindness and compassion.
with kindness and compassion.
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okrenuo se k njima
nježnošću i suosjećanjem.
nježnošću i suosjećanjem.
08:14
He never turned away.
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Nikada im nije okrenuo leđa.
08:17
And what was the second characteristic
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I koja je bila druga osobina
08:19
of couples who sustain
a strong sexual connection?
a strong sexual connection?
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parova koji održavaju
jaku seksualnu povezanost?
jaku seksualnu povezanost?
Stavljaju seks na vrh prioriteta.
08:22
They prioritize sex.
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08:24
They decide that it matters
for their relationship,
for their relationship,
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Odlučuju da je on važan za njihovu vezu,
08:27
that they do what it takes
to find their way back to the connection.
to find their way back to the connection.
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da će učiniti što je potrebno kako bi
pronašli put natrag do te povezanosti.
pronašli put natrag do te povezanosti.
Rekla sam prijateljima ono što govori
terapeutkinja Peggy Kleinplatz.
terapeutkinja Peggy Kleinplatz.
08:31
I told my friends what sex therapist
and researcher Peggy Kleinplatz says.
and researcher Peggy Kleinplatz says.
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08:34
She asks: What kind of sex
is worth wanting?
is worth wanting?
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Ona pita: kakav seks je vrijedno željeti?
08:39
My partner and I looked
at the quality of our connection
at the quality of our connection
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Moj partner i ja ispitali smo
kvalitetu naše povezanosti
kvalitetu naše povezanosti
08:43
and what it brought to our lives,
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i što je ona unosila u naše živote,
08:45
and we looked at the family
of sleepy hedgehogs
of sleepy hedgehogs
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ispitali smo obitelj pospanih ježeva
08:48
I had introduced into our home.
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koje sam unijela u naš dom.
08:53
And we decided it was worth it.
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I odlučili smo da je vrijedna toga.
08:55
We decided -- we chose -- to do
what it took to find our way,
what it took to find our way,
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Odlučili smo -- odabrali smo učiniti što
je potrebno da pronađemo svoj način,
je potrebno da pronađemo svoj način,
09:00
turning towards each
of those sleepy hedgehogs,
of those sleepy hedgehogs,
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okrenuti se svakom od tih
pospanih ježeva,
pospanih ježeva,
09:02
those difficult hurt feelings,
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tih zamršenih povređujućih osjećaja,
09:04
with kindness and compassion
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nježnošću i suosjećanjem,
09:05
and setting them free
so that we could find our way back
so that we could find our way back
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i osloboditi ih kako bismo
pronašli put natrag
pronašli put natrag
09:08
to the connection that mattered
for our relationship.
for our relationship.
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prema povezanosti koja je bila
važna za našu vezu.
važna za našu vezu.
09:13
This is not the story we are usually told
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Ovo nije priča koju nam obično pričaju
09:15
about how sexual desire works
in long-term relationships.
in long-term relationships.
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o tome kako spolna žudnja funkcionira
u dugotrajnim vezama.
u dugotrajnim vezama.
09:19
But I can think of nothing more romantic,
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Ali ne mogu zamisliti ništa romantičnije,
09:23
nothing sexier,
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ništa spolno privlačnije,
09:24
than being chosen as a priority
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nego biti odabran kao prioritet
09:29
because that connection matters enough,
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jer je ta povezanost dovoljno važna,
09:32
even after I introduced all of these
difficult feelings into our relationship.
difficult feelings into our relationship.
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čak i nakon što sam unijela sve te
zamršene osjećaje u našu vezu.
zamršene osjećaje u našu vezu.
09:38
How do you sustain a strong
sexual connection over the long term?
sexual connection over the long term?
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Kako da održite jaku seksualnu povezanost
tijekom dugog razdoblja?
tijekom dugog razdoblja?
09:44
You look into the eyes
of your best friend,
of your best friend,
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Pogledajte u oči
svog najboljeg prijatelja
svog najboljeg prijatelja
09:47
and you keep choosing
to find your way back.
to find your way back.
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i nastavite birati da nađete
svoj put natrag.
svoj put natrag.
09:51
Thank you.
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Hvala.
09:53
(Applause)
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(Pljesak)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Emily Nagoski - Sex educatorEmily Nagoski teaches women to live with confidence and joy inside their bodies.
Why you should listen
Emily Nagoski is a sex educator and the author of the best-selling Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life. As she writes: "As an undergrad at the University of Delaware, I wanted some volunteer work for my resume, so I got trained as a peer sex educator, going into residence halls to talk about condoms, contraception and consent. Though I loved the brain science I was studying in my classes (BA in psychology, minors in cognitive science and philosophy), it was my work as a sex educator that made me like who I am as a person. So that's the path I chose. I went to Indiana University for an MS in counseling and PhD in health behavior, completing a clinical internship at the Kinsey Institute, then went on to work at Smith College, where I taught a class called Women’s Sexuality.
"That first semester at Smith, I asked my students, as the last question on the final exam, 'What's one important thing you learned?' Half the students answered simply, 'I'm normal.' I decided that day to write Come As You Are, to share the science and sex positivity that helped my students know they're normal."
Emily Nagoski | Speaker | TED.com