TEDxFergusonLibrary
Emily Nagoski: How couples can sustain a strong sexual connection for a lifetime
Filmed:
Readability: 3.8
2,251,493 views
As a sex educator, Emily Nagoski is often asked: How do couples sustain a strong sexual connection over the long term? In this funny, insightful talk, she shares her answer -- drawing on (somewhat surprising) research to reveal why some couples stop having sex while others keep up a connection for a lifetime.
Emily Nagoski - Sex educator
Emily Nagoski teaches women to live with confidence and joy inside their bodies. Full bio
Emily Nagoski teaches women to live with confidence and joy inside their bodies. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
I'm sitting in a bar
with a couple of friends --
with a couple of friends --
0
951
2247
00:15
literally, a couple, married couple.
1
3222
1740
00:16
They're the parents of two young children,
2
4986
2424
00:19
seven academic degrees between them,
3
7434
1988
00:21
big nerds, really nice people
but very sleep-deprived.
but very sleep-deprived.
4
9446
4193
00:25
And they ask me the question
I get asked more than any other question.
I get asked more than any other question.
5
13663
5519
00:31
They go, "So, Emily,
6
19206
2621
00:33
how do couples, you know,
sustain a strong sexual connection
sustain a strong sexual connection
7
21851
5497
00:39
over multiple decades?"
8
27372
1721
00:42
I'm a sex educator, which is why
my friends ask me questions like this,
my friends ask me questions like this,
9
30162
3413
00:45
and I am also a big nerd like my friends.
10
33599
2404
00:48
I love science, which is why
I can give them something like an answer.
I can give them something like an answer.
11
36027
4032
00:52
Research actually has
pretty solid evidence
pretty solid evidence
12
40083
2426
00:54
that couples who sustain
strong sexual connections
strong sexual connections
13
42533
2526
00:57
over multiple decades
14
45083
1737
00:58
have two things in common.
15
46844
1953
01:01
Before I can tell my friends
what those two things are,
what those two things are,
16
49414
2616
01:04
I have to tell them a few things
that they are not.
that they are not.
17
52054
2436
01:06
These are not couples
who have sex very often.
who have sex very often.
18
54514
3665
01:10
Almost none of us have sex very often.
19
58560
3157
01:14
We are busy.
20
62322
1275
01:16
They are also not couples who necessarily
have wild, adventurous sex.
have wild, adventurous sex.
21
64318
3588
01:19
One recent study actually found
22
67930
1590
01:21
that the couples
who are most strongly predicted
who are most strongly predicted
23
69544
3553
01:25
to have strong sexual
and relationship satisfaction,
and relationship satisfaction,
24
73121
4117
01:29
the best predictor of that
25
77262
1362
01:30
is not what kind of sex they have
26
78648
1973
01:32
or how often or where they have it
27
80645
1650
01:34
but whether they cuddle after sex.
28
82319
2587
01:37
And they are not necessarily couples
29
85906
1796
01:39
who constantly can't wait
to keep their hands off each other.
to keep their hands off each other.
30
87726
2916
01:42
Some of them are.
31
90666
1213
01:43
They experience what the researchers
call "spontaneous desire,"
call "spontaneous desire,"
32
91903
3373
01:47
that just sort of seems
to appear out of the blue.
to appear out of the blue.
33
95300
2434
01:49
Erika Moen, the cartoonist
who illustrated my book,
who illustrated my book,
34
97758
2476
01:52
draws spontaneous desire
as a lightning bolt to the genitals --
as a lightning bolt to the genitals --
35
100258
4565
01:56
kaboom! -- you just want it
out of the blue.
out of the blue.
36
104847
2785
01:59
That is absolutely one normal,
healthy way to experience sexual desire.
healthy way to experience sexual desire.
37
107656
4198
02:03
But there's another healthy way
to experience sexual desire.
to experience sexual desire.
38
111878
3038
02:06
It's called "responsive desire."
39
114940
2268
02:09
Where spontaneous desire seems
to emerge in anticipation of pleasure,
to emerge in anticipation of pleasure,
40
117232
4979
02:14
responsive desire emerges
in response to pleasure.
in response to pleasure.
41
122235
4208
02:18
There's a sex therapist in New Jersey
named Christine Hyde,
named Christine Hyde,
42
126467
2769
02:21
who taught me this great metaphor
she uses with her clients.
she uses with her clients.
43
129260
2895
02:24
She says, imagine that your best friend
invites you to a party.
invites you to a party.
44
132179
3374
02:27
You say yes because
it's your best friend and a party.
it's your best friend and a party.
45
135577
4103
02:31
But then, as the date approaches,
you start thinking,
you start thinking,
46
139704
2591
02:34
"Aw, there's going to be all this traffic.
47
142319
2421
02:36
We have to find child care.
48
144764
1790
02:38
Am I really going to want
to put my party clothes on
to put my party clothes on
49
146578
2485
02:41
and get there at the end of the week?"
50
149087
1829
02:42
But you put on your party clothes
and you show up to the party,
and you show up to the party,
51
150940
3435
02:46
and what happens?
52
154399
1171
02:47
You have a good time at the party.
53
155959
1879
02:49
If you are having fun at the party,
54
157862
2204
02:52
you are doing it right.
55
160090
1616
02:54
When it comes to a sexual connection,
it's the same thing.
it's the same thing.
56
162147
2862
02:57
You put on your party clothes,
57
165033
1636
02:58
you set up the child care,
58
166693
1572
03:00
you put your body in the bed,
59
168289
2019
03:02
you let your skin
touch your partner's skin
touch your partner's skin
60
170332
2547
03:04
and allow your body
to wake up and remember,
to wake up and remember,
61
172903
2377
03:07
"Oh, right! I like this.
62
175304
2462
03:09
I like this person!"
63
177790
1650
03:11
That's responsive desire,
64
179949
2023
03:13
and it is key to understanding the couples
who sustain a strong sexual connection
who sustain a strong sexual connection
65
181996
4597
03:18
over the long term,
66
186617
1350
03:19
because -- and this is the part
where I tell my friends
where I tell my friends
67
187991
2653
03:22
the two characteristics of the couples who
do sustain a strong sexual connection --
do sustain a strong sexual connection --
68
190668
4123
03:26
one, they have a strong friendship
at the foundation of their relationship.
at the foundation of their relationship.
69
194815
4659
03:31
Specifically, they have strong trust.
70
199498
2662
03:34
Relationship researcher and therapist,
71
202580
1871
03:36
developer of emotionally focused therapy,
72
204475
1983
03:38
Sue Johnson,
73
206482
1159
03:39
boils trust down to this question:
74
207665
2275
03:41
Are you there for me?
75
209964
2875
03:44
Especially, are you emotionally
present and available for me?
present and available for me?
76
212863
3724
03:48
Friends are there for each other.
77
216611
2306
03:51
One.
78
219231
1172
03:52
The second characteristic
is that they prioritize sex.
is that they prioritize sex.
79
220427
5196
03:57
They decide that it matters
for their relationship.
for their relationship.
80
225647
3930
04:01
They choose to set aside all the other
things that they could be doing --
things that they could be doing --
81
229601
4497
04:06
the children they could be raising
and the jobs they could be going to,
and the jobs they could be going to,
82
234122
3847
04:09
the other family members
to pay attention to,
to pay attention to,
83
237993
2159
04:12
the other friends they might
want to hang out with.
want to hang out with.
84
240176
2418
04:14
God forbid they just want
to watch some television or go to sleep.
to watch some television or go to sleep.
85
242618
3239
04:17
Stop doing all that stuff
and create a protected space
and create a protected space
86
245881
3531
04:21
where all you're going to do
is put your body in the bed
is put your body in the bed
87
249436
3358
04:24
and let your skin
touch your partner's skin.
touch your partner's skin.
88
252818
2329
04:28
So that's it:
89
256202
1154
04:29
best friends,
90
257380
1582
04:30
prioritize sex.
91
258986
1309
04:33
So I said this to my friends in the bar.
92
261201
1975
04:35
I was like, best friends, prioritize sex,
I told them about the party,
I told them about the party,
93
263200
3394
04:38
I said you put your skin
next to your partner's skin.
next to your partner's skin.
94
266618
2512
04:41
And one of the partners
I was talking to goes, "Aaagh."
I was talking to goes, "Aaagh."
95
269154
5195
04:46
(Laughter)
96
274373
1148
04:47
And I was like, "OK,
so, there's your problem."
so, there's your problem."
97
275545
2198
04:49
(Laughter)
98
277767
1046
04:50
The difficulty was not that they did not
want to go to the party, necessarily.
want to go to the party, necessarily.
99
278837
3923
04:54
If the difficulty is just a lack
of spontaneous desire for party,
of spontaneous desire for party,
100
282784
3200
04:58
you know what to do:
101
286008
1152
04:59
you put on your party clothes
and show up for the party.
and show up for the party.
102
287184
2634
05:01
If you're having fun at the party,
you're doing it right.
you're doing it right.
103
289842
2697
05:04
Their difficulty was that this was a party
104
292563
2065
05:06
where she didn't love
what there was available to eat,
what there was available to eat,
105
294652
3866
05:10
the music was not her favorite music,
106
298542
1920
05:12
and she wasn't totally sure she felt great
about her relationships with people
about her relationships with people
107
300486
3705
05:16
who were at the party.
108
304215
1340
05:17
And this happens all the time:
109
305579
1945
05:19
nice people who love each other
come to dread sex.
come to dread sex.
110
307548
5501
05:25
These couples, if they seek sex therapy,
111
313073
2061
05:27
the therapist might have them stand up
112
315158
2202
05:29
and put as much distance
between their bodies as they need
between their bodies as they need
113
317384
3210
05:32
in order to feel comfortable,
114
320618
1555
05:34
and the less interested partner
will make 20 feet of space.
will make 20 feet of space.
115
322197
5660
05:39
And the really difficult part
is that space is not empty.
is that space is not empty.
116
327881
3838
05:43
It is crowded with weeks or months or more
117
331743
4639
05:48
of the, "You're not listening to me,"
118
336406
1820
05:50
and "I don't know what's wrong with me
but your criticism isn't helping,"
but your criticism isn't helping,"
119
338250
3470
05:53
and, "If you loved me, you would,"
and, "You're not there for me."
and, "You're not there for me."
120
341744
3210
05:56
Years, maybe, of all
these difficult feelings.
these difficult feelings.
121
344978
3769
06:00
In the book, I use
this really silly metaphor
this really silly metaphor
122
348771
2284
06:03
of difficult feelings as sleepy hedgehogs
123
351079
2947
06:06
that you are fostering until
you can find a way to set them free
you can find a way to set them free
124
354050
4209
06:10
by turning toward them
with kindness and compassion.
with kindness and compassion.
125
358283
3772
06:14
And the couples who struggle
to maintain a strong sexual connection,
to maintain a strong sexual connection,
126
362079
3551
06:17
the distance between them
is crowded with these sleepy hedgehogs.
is crowded with these sleepy hedgehogs.
127
365654
4013
06:21
And it happens in any relationship
that lasts long enough.
that lasts long enough.
128
369691
2756
06:24
You, too, are fostering
a prickle of sleepy hedgehogs
a prickle of sleepy hedgehogs
129
372471
3641
06:28
between you and your certain
special someone.
special someone.
130
376136
2691
06:30
The difference between couples
who sustain a strong sexual connection
who sustain a strong sexual connection
131
378851
3287
06:34
and the ones who don't
132
382162
1154
06:35
is not that they don't experience
these difficult hurt feelings,
these difficult hurt feelings,
133
383340
3751
06:39
it's that they turn towards
those difficult feelings
those difficult feelings
134
387115
2758
06:41
with kindness and compassion
135
389897
2300
06:44
so that they can set them free
136
392221
1987
06:46
and find their way back to each other.
137
394232
2257
06:49
So my friends in the bar are faced
with the question under the question,
with the question under the question,
138
397019
4526
06:53
not, "How do we sustain
a strong connection?"
a strong connection?"
139
401569
2805
06:56
but, "How do we find our way back to it?"
140
404398
2487
06:59
And, yes, there is science
to answer this question,
to answer this question,
141
407650
2590
07:02
but in 25 years as a sex educator,
142
410264
2211
07:04
one thing I have learned
is sometimes, Emily,
is sometimes, Emily,
143
412499
2306
07:06
less science,
144
414829
1341
07:09
more hedgehogs.
145
417127
1476
07:10
So I told them about me.
146
418627
2123
07:12
I spent many months writing a book about
the science of women's sexual well-being.
the science of women's sexual well-being.
147
420774
5443
07:18
I was thinking about sex
all day, every day,
all day, every day,
148
426241
3028
07:21
and I was so stressed by the project
that I had zero -- zero! -- interest
that I had zero -- zero! -- interest
149
429293
4548
07:25
in actually having any sex.
150
433865
1811
07:28
And then I spent months
traveling all over,
traveling all over,
151
436167
2610
07:30
talking with anyone who would listen
152
438801
1801
07:32
about the science
of women's sexual well-being.
of women's sexual well-being.
153
440626
2294
07:34
And by the time I got home, you know,
154
442944
2015
07:36
I'd show up for the party,
put my body in the bed,
put my body in the bed,
155
444983
2371
07:39
let my skin touch my partner's skin,
156
447378
2027
07:41
and I was so exhausted and overwhelmed
I would just cry and fall asleep.
I would just cry and fall asleep.
157
449429
4281
07:46
And the months of isolation
fostered fear and loneliness
fostered fear and loneliness
158
454463
5864
07:52
and frustration.
159
460351
1715
07:54
So many hedgehogs.
160
462535
1990
07:57
My best friend, this person
I love and admire,
I love and admire,
161
465173
4200
08:01
felt a million miles away.
162
469397
2350
08:05
But ...
163
473081
1279
08:07
he was still there for me.
164
475155
1427
08:08
No matter how many
difficult feelings there were,
difficult feelings there were,
165
476963
3302
08:12
he turned toward them
with kindness and compassion.
with kindness and compassion.
166
480289
2658
08:14
He never turned away.
167
482971
1520
08:17
And what was the second characteristic
168
485650
1853
08:19
of couples who sustain
a strong sexual connection?
a strong sexual connection?
169
487527
2413
08:22
They prioritize sex.
170
490972
1332
08:24
They decide that it matters
for their relationship,
for their relationship,
171
492328
3554
08:27
that they do what it takes
to find their way back to the connection.
to find their way back to the connection.
172
495906
3300
08:31
I told my friends what sex therapist
and researcher Peggy Kleinplatz says.
and researcher Peggy Kleinplatz says.
173
499230
3697
08:34
She asks: What kind of sex
is worth wanting?
is worth wanting?
174
502951
4145
08:39
My partner and I looked
at the quality of our connection
at the quality of our connection
175
507993
3262
08:43
and what it brought to our lives,
176
511279
1859
08:45
and we looked at the family
of sleepy hedgehogs
of sleepy hedgehogs
177
513162
2844
08:48
I had introduced into our home.
178
516030
3406
08:53
And we decided it was worth it.
179
521016
1617
08:55
We decided -- we chose -- to do
what it took to find our way,
what it took to find our way,
180
523268
5156
09:00
turning towards each
of those sleepy hedgehogs,
of those sleepy hedgehogs,
181
528448
2203
09:02
those difficult hurt feelings,
182
530675
1641
09:04
with kindness and compassion
183
532340
1368
09:05
and setting them free
so that we could find our way back
so that we could find our way back
184
533732
2748
09:08
to the connection that mattered
for our relationship.
for our relationship.
185
536504
2734
09:13
This is not the story we are usually told
186
541095
1970
09:15
about how sexual desire works
in long-term relationships.
in long-term relationships.
187
543089
3134
09:19
But I can think of nothing more romantic,
188
547318
2609
09:23
nothing sexier,
189
551102
1277
09:24
than being chosen as a priority
190
552992
4092
09:29
because that connection matters enough,
191
557108
2742
09:32
even after I introduced all of these
difficult feelings into our relationship.
difficult feelings into our relationship.
192
560697
4673
09:38
How do you sustain a strong
sexual connection over the long term?
sexual connection over the long term?
193
566568
4289
09:44
You look into the eyes
of your best friend,
of your best friend,
194
572254
3126
09:47
and you keep choosing
to find your way back.
to find your way back.
195
575404
3620
09:51
Thank you.
196
579833
1175
09:53
(Applause)
197
581032
2763
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Emily Nagoski - Sex educatorEmily Nagoski teaches women to live with confidence and joy inside their bodies.
Why you should listen
Emily Nagoski is a sex educator and the author of the best-selling Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life. As she writes: "As an undergrad at the University of Delaware, I wanted some volunteer work for my resume, so I got trained as a peer sex educator, going into residence halls to talk about condoms, contraception and consent. Though I loved the brain science I was studying in my classes (BA in psychology, minors in cognitive science and philosophy), it was my work as a sex educator that made me like who I am as a person. So that's the path I chose. I went to Indiana University for an MS in counseling and PhD in health behavior, completing a clinical internship at the Kinsey Institute, then went on to work at Smith College, where I taught a class called Women’s Sexuality.
"That first semester at Smith, I asked my students, as the last question on the final exam, 'What's one important thing you learned?' Half the students answered simply, 'I'm normal.' I decided that day to write Come As You Are, to share the science and sex positivity that helped my students know they're normal."
Emily Nagoski | Speaker | TED.com