TED2016
Casey Gerald: The gospel of doubt
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What do you do when your firmly held beliefs turn out not to be true? When Casey Gerald's religion failed him, he searched for something new to believe in -- in business, in government, in philanthropy -- but found only false saviors. In this moving talk, Gerald urges us all to question our beliefs and embrace uncertainty.
Casey Gerald - American
Casey Gerald chronicles the current state of the American Dream and explores ways to sustain it for a new generation. Full bio
Casey Gerald chronicles the current state of the American Dream and explores ways to sustain it for a new generation. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
There we were,
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souls and bodies packed
into a Texas church
into a Texas church
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on the last night of our lives.
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Packed into a room just like this,
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but with creaky wooden pews
draped in worn-down red fabric,
draped in worn-down red fabric,
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with an organ to my left
and a choir at my back
and a choir at my back
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and a baptism pool
built into the wall behind them.
built into the wall behind them.
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A room like this, nonetheless.
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With the same great feelings of suspense,
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the same deep hopes for salvation,
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the same sweat in the palms
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and the same people
in the back not paying attention.
in the back not paying attention.
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(Laughter)
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This was December 31, 1999,
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the night of the Second Coming of Christ,
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and the end of the world as I knew it.
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I had turned 12 that year
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and had reached the age of accountability.
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And once I stopped complaining
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about how unfair it was
that Jesus would return
that Jesus would return
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as soon as I had to be accountable
for all that I had done,
for all that I had done,
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I figured I had better get
my house in order very quickly.
my house in order very quickly.
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So I went to church as often as I could.
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I listened for silence as anxiously
as one might listen for noise,
as one might listen for noise,
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trying to be sure that the Lord
hadn't pulled a fast one on me
hadn't pulled a fast one on me
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and decided to come back early.
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And just in case he did,
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I built a backup plan,
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by reading the "Left Behind" books
that were all the rage at the time.
that were all the rage at the time.
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And I found in their pages
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that if I was not taken
in the rapture at midnight,
in the rapture at midnight,
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I had another shot.
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All I had to do was avoid
taking the mark of the beast,
taking the mark of the beast,
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fight off demons, plagues
and the Antichrist himself.
and the Antichrist himself.
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It would be hard --
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(Laughter)
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but I knew I could do it.
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(Laughter)
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But planning time was over now.
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It was 11:50pm.
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We had 10 minutes left,
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and my pastor called us
out of the pews and down to the altar
out of the pews and down to the altar
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because he wanted to be praying
when midnight struck.
when midnight struck.
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So every faction of the congregation
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took its place.
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The choir stayed in the choir stand,
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the deacons and their wives --
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or the Baptist Bourgeoisie
as I like to call them --
as I like to call them --
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(Laughter)
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took first position in front of the altar.
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You see, in America,
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even the Second Coming of Christ
has a VIP section.
has a VIP section.
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(Laughter)
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(Applause)
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And right behind the Baptist Bourgeoisie
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were the elderly --
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these men and women whose young backs
had been bent under hot suns
had been bent under hot suns
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in the cotton fields of East Texas,
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and whose skin seemed to be burnt
a creaseless noble brown,
a creaseless noble brown,
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just like the clay of East Texas,
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and whose hopes and dreams
for what life might become
for what life might become
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outside of East Texas
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had sometimes been bent and broken
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even further than their backs.
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Yes, these men and women
were the stars of the show for me.
were the stars of the show for me.
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They had waited their whole lives
for this moment,
for this moment,
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just as their medieval predecessors
had longed for the end of the world,
had longed for the end of the world,
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and just as my grandmother
waited for the Oprah Winfrey Show
waited for the Oprah Winfrey Show
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to come on Channel 8
every day at 4 o'clock.
every day at 4 o'clock.
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And as she made her way to the altar,
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I snuck right in behind her,
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because I knew for sure
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that my grandmother was going to heaven.
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And I thought that if I held on
to her hand during this prayer,
to her hand during this prayer,
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I might go right on with her.
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So I held on
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and I closed my eyes
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to listen,
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to wait.
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And the prayers got louder.
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And the shouts of response
to the call of the prayer
to the call of the prayer
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went up higher even still.
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And the organ rolled on in
to add the dirge.
to add the dirge.
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And the heat came on to add to the sweat.
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And my hand gripped firmer,
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so I wouldn't be the one
left in the field.
left in the field.
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My eyes clenched tighter
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so I wouldn't see the wheat
being separated from the chaff.
being separated from the chaff.
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And then a voice rang out above us:
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"Amen."
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It was over.
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I looked at the clock.
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It was after midnight.
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I looked at the elder believers
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whose savior had not come,
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who were too proud to show
any signs of disappointment,
any signs of disappointment,
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who had believed too much and for too long
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to start doubting now.
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But I was upset on their behalf.
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They had been duped,
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hoodwinked, bamboozled,
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and I had gone right along with them.
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I had prayed their prayers,
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I had yielded not to temptation
as best I could.
as best I could.
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I had dipped my head not once, but twice
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in that snot-inducing baptism pool.
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I had believed.
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Now what?
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I got home just in time
to turn on the television
to turn on the television
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and watch Peter Jennings
announce the new millennium
announce the new millennium
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as it rolled in around the world.
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It struck me that it would have
been strange anyway,
been strange anyway,
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for Jesus to come back again and again
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based on the different time zones.
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(Laughter)
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And this made me feel
even more ridiculous --
even more ridiculous --
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hurt, really.
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But there on that night,
I did not stop believing.
I did not stop believing.
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I just believed a new thing:
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that it was possible not to believe.
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It was possible the answers
I had were wrong,
I had were wrong,
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that the questions themselves were wrong.
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And now, where there was once
a mountain of certitude,
a mountain of certitude,
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there was, running right down
to its foundation,
to its foundation,
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a spring of doubt,
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a spring that promised rivers.
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I can trace the whole drama of my life
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back to that night in that church
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when my savior did not come for me;
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when the thing I believed most certainly
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turned out to be, if not a lie,
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then not quite the truth.
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And even though most of you
prepared for Y2K in a very different way,
prepared for Y2K in a very different way,
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I'm convinced that you are here
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because some part of you has done
the same thing that I have done
the same thing that I have done
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since the dawn of this new century,
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since my mother left
and my father stayed away
and my father stayed away
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and my Lord refused to come.
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And I held out my hand,
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reaching for something to believe in.
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I held on when I arrived at Yale at 18,
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with the faith that my journey
from Oak Cliff, Texas
from Oak Cliff, Texas
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was a chance to leave behind
all the challenges I had known,
all the challenges I had known,
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the broken dreams
and broken bodies I had seen.
and broken bodies I had seen.
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But when I found myself back home
one winter break,
one winter break,
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with my face planted in the floor,
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my hands tied behind my back
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and a burglar's gun pressed to my head,
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I knew that even the best education
couldn't save me.
couldn't save me.
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I held on when I showed up
at Lehman Brothers
at Lehman Brothers
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as an intern in 2008.
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(Laughter)
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So hopeful --
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(Laughter)
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that I called home to inform my family
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that we'd never be poor again.
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(Laughter)
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But as I witnessed this temple of finance
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come crashing down before my eyes,
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I knew that even the best job
couldn't save me.
couldn't save me.
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I held on when I showed up
in Washington DC as a young staffer,
in Washington DC as a young staffer,
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who had heard a voice
call out from Illinois,
call out from Illinois,
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saying, "It's been a long time coming,
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but in this election, change
has come to America."
has come to America."
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But as the Congress ground to a halt
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and the country ripped at the seams
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and hope and change
began to feel like a cruel joke,
began to feel like a cruel joke,
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I knew that even
the political second coming
the political second coming
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could not save me.
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I had knelt faithfully at the altar
of the American Dream,
of the American Dream,
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praying to the gods of my time
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of success,
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and money,
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and power.
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But over and over again,
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midnight struck, and I opened my eyes
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to see that all of these gods were dead.
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And from that graveyard,
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I began the search once more,
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not because I was brave,
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but because I knew
that I would either believe
that I would either believe
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or I would die.
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So I took a pilgrimage
to yet another mecca,
to yet another mecca,
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Harvard Business School --
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(Laughter)
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this time, knowing that I could not
simply accept the salvation
simply accept the salvation
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that it claimed to offer.
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No, I knew there'd be more work to do.
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The work began in the dark corner
of a crowded party,
of a crowded party,
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in the late night of an early,
miserable Cambridge winter,
miserable Cambridge winter,
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when three friends and I asked a question
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that young folks searching
for something real have asked
for something real have asked
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for a very long time:
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"What if we took a road trip?"
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(Laughter)
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We didn't know where'd we go
or how we'd get there,
or how we'd get there,
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but we knew we had to do it.
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Because all our lives we yearned,
as Jack Kerouac wrote,
as Jack Kerouac wrote,
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to "sneak out into the night
and disappear somewhere,"
and disappear somewhere,"
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and go find out what everybody was doing
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all over the country.
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So even though there were
other voices who said
other voices who said
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that the risk was too great
and the proof too thin,
and the proof too thin,
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we went on anyhow.
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We went on 8,000 miles across America
in the summer of 2013,
in the summer of 2013,
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through the cow pastures of Montana,
through the desolation of Detroit,
through the desolation of Detroit,
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through the swamps of New Orleans,
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where we found and worked
with men and women
with men and women
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who were building small businesses
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that made purpose their bottom line.
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And having been trained
at the West Point of capitalism,
at the West Point of capitalism,
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this struck us as a revolutionary idea.
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(Laughter)
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And this idea spread,
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growing into a nonprofit
called MBAs Across America,
called MBAs Across America,
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a movement that landed me here
on this stage today.
on this stage today.
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It spread because we found
a great hunger in our generation
a great hunger in our generation
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for purpose, for meaning.
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It spread because we found
countless entrepreneurs
countless entrepreneurs
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in the nooks and crannies of America
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who were creating jobs and changing lives
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and who needed a little help.
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But if I'm being honest, it also spread
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because I fought to spread it.
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There was no length
to which I would not go
to which I would not go
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to preach this gospel,
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to get more people to believe
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that we could bind the wounds
of a broken country,
of a broken country,
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one social business at a time.
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But it was this journey of evangelism
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that led me to the rather different gospel
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that I've come to share with you today.
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It began one evening almost a year ago
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at the Museum of Natural History
in New York City,
in New York City,
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at a gala for alumni
of Harvard Business School.
of Harvard Business School.
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Under a full-size replica of a whale,
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I sat with the titans of our time
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as they celebrated their peers
and their good deeds.
and their good deeds.
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There was pride in a room
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where net worth
and assets under management
and assets under management
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surpassed half a trillion dollars.
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We looked over all that we had made,
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and it was good.
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(Laughter)
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But it just so happened,
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two days later,
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I had to travel up the road to Harlem,
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where I found myself
sitting in an urban farm
sitting in an urban farm
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that had once been a vacant lot,
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listening to a man named Tony
tell me of the kids
tell me of the kids
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that showed up there every day.
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All of them lived below the poverty line.
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Many of them carried
all of their belongings in a backpack
all of their belongings in a backpack
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to avoid losing them
in a homeless shelter.
in a homeless shelter.
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Some of them came to Tony's program,
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called Harlem Grown,
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to get the only meal they had each day.
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Tony told me that he started Harlem Grown
with money from his pension,
with money from his pension,
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after 20 years as a cab driver.
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He told me that he didn't give
himself a salary,
himself a salary,
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because despite success,
the program struggled for resources.
the program struggled for resources.
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He told me that he would take any help
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that he could get.
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And I was there as that help.
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But as I left Tony,
I felt the sting and salt of tears
I felt the sting and salt of tears
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welling up in my eyes.
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I felt the weight of revelation
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12:55
that I could sit in one room on one night,
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12:59
where a few hundred people
had half a trillion dollars,
had half a trillion dollars,
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13:04
and another room, two days later,
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13:06
just 50 blocks up the road,
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13:09
where a man was going without a salary
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to get a child her only meal of the day.
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13:16
And it wasn't the glaring inequality
that made me want to cry,
that made me want to cry,
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13:20
it wasn't the thought of hungry,
homeless kids,
homeless kids,
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13:23
it wasn't rage toward the one percent
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or pity toward the 99.
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No, I was disturbed
because I had finally realized
because I had finally realized
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that I was the dialysis
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for a country that needed
a kidney transplant.
a kidney transplant.
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13:38
I realized that my story
stood in for all those
stood in for all those
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13:42
who were expected to pick
themselves up by their bootstraps,
themselves up by their bootstraps,
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13:45
even if they didn't have any boots;
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that my organization stood in
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13:49
for all the structural, systemic help
that never went to Harlem
that never went to Harlem
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13:53
or Appalachia or the Lower 9th Ward;
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1945
13:55
that my voice stood in
for all those voices
for all those voices
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14:01
that seemed too unlearned,
too unwashed, too unaccommodated.
too unwashed, too unaccommodated.
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14:07
And the shame of that,
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14:09
that shame washed over me
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14:11
like the shame of sitting
in front of the television,
in front of the television,
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14:14
watching Peter Jennings
announce the new millennium
announce the new millennium
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again
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1208
14:18
and again
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14:20
and again.
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14:21
I had been duped,
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14:24
hoodwinked,
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14:25
bamboozled.
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14:27
But this time, the false savior was me.
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14:31
You see, I've come a long way
from that altar
from that altar
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14:35
on the night I thought
the world would end,
the world would end,
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14:38
from a world where people spoke in tongues
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14:41
and saw suffering
as a necessary act of God
as a necessary act of God
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14:44
and took a text to be infallible truth.
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14:46
Yes, I've come so far
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14:48
that I'm right back where I started.
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14:52
Because it simply is not true to say
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14:54
that we live in an age of disbelief --
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1881
14:56
no, we believe today just as much
as any time that came before.
as any time that came before.
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15:01
Some of us may believe
in the prophecy of Brené Brown
in the prophecy of Brené Brown
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15:04
or Tony Robbins.
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1176
15:06
We may believe in the bible
of The New Yorker
of The New Yorker
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15:08
or the Harvard Business Review.
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15:10
We may believe most deeply
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15:12
when we worship right here
at the church of TED,
at the church of TED,
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15:15
but we desperately want to believe,
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2181
15:17
we need to believe.
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1546
15:20
We speak in the tongues
of charismatic leaders
of charismatic leaders
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15:22
that promise to solve all our problems.
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2192
15:24
We see suffering as a necessary act
of the capitalism that is our god,
of the capitalism that is our god,
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4080
15:28
we take the text of technological progress
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15:31
to be infallible truth.
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15:34
And we hardly realize
the human price we pay
the human price we pay
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15:38
when we fail to question one brick,
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15:41
because we fear it might shake
our whole foundation.
our whole foundation.
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15:45
But if you are disturbed
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1601
15:48
by the unconscionable things
that we have come to accept,
that we have come to accept,
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3130
15:51
then it must be questioning time.
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15:55
So I have not a gospel
of disruption or innovation
of disruption or innovation
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4047
16:00
or a triple bottom line.
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1450
16:02
I do not have a gospel of faith
to share with you today, in fact.
to share with you today, in fact.
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16:07
I have and I offer a gospel of doubt.
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3842
16:12
The gospel of doubt does not ask
that you stop believing,
that you stop believing,
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3020
16:15
it asks that you believe a new thing:
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1920
16:18
that it is possible not to believe.
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2537
16:21
It is possible the answers
we have are wrong,
we have are wrong,
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2170
16:23
it is possible the questions
themselves are wrong.
themselves are wrong.
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2583
16:26
Yes, the gospel of doubt means
that it is possible that we,
that it is possible that we,
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3822
16:30
on this stage, in this room,
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2126
16:33
are wrong.
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1157
16:34
Because it raises the question, "Why?"
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16:37
With all the power
that we hold in our hands,
that we hold in our hands,
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3175
16:40
why are people still suffering so bad?
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3380
16:45
This doubt leads me to share
that we are putting my organization,
that we are putting my organization,
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4555
16:49
MBAs Across America,
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1266
16:51
out of business.
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1628
16:52
We have shed our staff
and closed our doors
and closed our doors
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2492
16:55
and we will share our model freely
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2028
16:57
with anyone who sees
their power to do this work
their power to do this work
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17:00
without waiting for our permission.
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1848
17:02
This doubt compels me
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2321
17:05
to renounce the role of savior
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17:07
that some have placed on me,
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1395
17:08
because our time is too short
and our odds are too long
and our odds are too long
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3095
17:12
to wait for second comings,
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1780
17:13
when the truth is that
there will be no miracles here.
there will be no miracles here.
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3484
17:18
And this doubt, it fuels me,
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1744
17:20
it gives me hope
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1291
17:22
that when our troubles overwhelm us,
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2250
17:25
when the paths laid out for us
seem to lead to our demise,
seem to lead to our demise,
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4119
17:30
when our healers bring
no comfort to our wounds,
no comfort to our wounds,
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3028
17:34
it will not be our blind faith --
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2331
17:37
no, it will be our humble doubt
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2387
17:40
that shines a little light
into the darkness of our lives
into the darkness of our lives
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3311
17:44
and of our world
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17:45
and lets us raise our voice to whisper
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17:48
or to shout
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17:50
or to say simply,
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1715
17:52
very simply,
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1150
17:53
"There must be another way."
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17:57
Thank you.
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1151
17:58
(Applause)
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20222
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Casey Gerald - AmericanCasey Gerald chronicles the current state of the American Dream and explores ways to sustain it for a new generation.
Why you should listen
Casey Gerald has witnessed every facet of the American Dream -- from his harrowing childhood in Texas, to his tenure at the heights of America's elite institutions, to his journeys through the cities and towns of the American heartland where he has spent his recent years as cofounder and CEO of MBAs Across America. Now his work as a writer, speaker, and business leader centers on the question: will the American dream survive another generation?
Gerald began his career in economic policy and government innovation at the Center for American Progress, and he has worked as a strategist with startup social ventures such as The Future Project as well as companies like The Neiman Marcus Group.
Born and raised in Dallas, Gerald received an MBA from Harvard Business School, where he delivered the 2014 commencement address, and a BA in Political Science from Yale College. He has been featured on MSNBC, in The New York Times, Financial Times, The Guardian, and he has appeared on the cover of Fast Company, which also named him one of the "Most Creative People in Business." He currently serves on the advisory board of NPR's Generation Listen.
Casey Gerald | Speaker | TED.com