TEDxSFU
Mandy Len Catron: A better way to talk about love
Mandy Len Catron: Kako bolje pričati o ljubavi
Filmed:
Readability: 3.9
2,605,858 views
U ljubav padamo. Zaglavljeni smo, zgnječeni, oboreni s nogu. Gorimo od strasti. Zbog ljubavi smo ludi i bolesni. Bole nas srca koja se potom i slamaju. To što o ljubavi govorimo na ovaj način u osnovi oblikuje način na koji ljubav i doživljavamo, tvrdi spisateljica Many Len Catron. U ovom govoru, koji je za svakoga tko je ikad bio lud od ljubavi, Catron ističe različite metafore za ljubav koje nam u njoj pomažu pronaći više sreće -- a manje patnje.
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
OK, so today I want to talk
about how we talk about love.
about how we talk about love.
0
553
4300
Dobro, danas želim pričati o tome
kako pričamo o ljubavi.
kako pričamo o ljubavi.
00:17
And specifically,
1
5237
1150
Točnije,
00:18
I want to talk about what's wrong
with how we talk about love.
with how we talk about love.
2
6411
3435
želim pričati o tome što je pogrešno
u načinu na koji o njoj pričamo.
u načinu na koji o njoj pričamo.
00:22
Most of us will probably
fall in love a few times
fall in love a few times
3
10673
3407
Većina će se vjerojatno
nekoliko puta zaljubiti
nekoliko puta zaljubiti
00:26
over the course of our lives,
4
14104
1465
tijekom života,
00:27
and in the English language,
this metaphor, falling,
this metaphor, falling,
5
15593
4210
a u engleskom jeziku
ta metafora "pasti u ljubav"
ta metafora "pasti u ljubav"
00:31
is really the main way that we
talk about that experience.
talk about that experience.
6
19827
3014
osnovni je način na koji
pričamo o ljubavi.
pričamo o ljubavi.
00:35
I don't know about you,
7
23592
1151
Ne znam za vas,
00:36
but when I conceptualize this metaphor,
8
24767
1927
ali kad ja zamišljam tu metaforu,
00:38
what I picture is straight
out of a cartoon --
out of a cartoon --
9
26718
2878
vidim prizor kao iz crtića -
00:42
like there's a man,
10
30076
1296
čovjek
00:43
he's walking down the sidewalk,
11
31396
1717
šeta pločnikom
00:45
without realizing it, he crosses
over an open manhole,
over an open manhole,
12
33137
3112
i ni ne shvaćajući upada u šaht,
00:48
and he just plummets into the sewer below.
13
36273
3661
stropošta se u kanalizaciju.
00:51
And I picture it this way
because falling is not jumping.
because falling is not jumping.
14
39958
4080
Zamišljam to tako
jer "pasti" nije isto što i "uskočiti".
jer "pasti" nije isto što i "uskočiti".
00:56
Falling is accidental,
15
44769
2032
Padamo slučajno,
00:58
it's uncontrollable.
16
46825
1902
bez svjesne kontrole,
01:00
It's something that happens to us
without our consent.
without our consent.
17
48751
3525
to je nešto na što nismo pristali.
01:04
And this --
18
52300
1193
A to --
01:05
this is the main way we talk
about starting a new relationship.
about starting a new relationship.
19
53517
3567
to je osnovni način na koji pričamo
o započinjanju nove veze.
o započinjanju nove veze.
01:10
I am a writer and I'm also
an English teacher,
an English teacher,
20
58336
3767
Ja sam pisac
i učiteljica engleskog jezika,
i učiteljica engleskog jezika,
01:14
which means I think
about words for a living.
about words for a living.
21
62127
2285
što znači da živim od
razmišljanja o riječima.
razmišljanja o riječima.
01:16
You could say that I get paid
to argue that the language we use matters,
to argue that the language we use matters,
22
64436
4150
Moglo bi se reći da me se plaća da kažem
kako je jezik koji koristimo bitan
kako je jezik koji koristimo bitan
01:20
and I would like to argue
that many of the metaphors we use
that many of the metaphors we use
23
68610
4200
i voljela bih reći da
mnoge metafore koje koristimo
mnoge metafore koje koristimo
01:24
to talk about love --
24
72834
1567
u razgovoru o ljubavi --
01:26
maybe even most of them --
25
74425
1823
možda čak i većina --
01:28
are a problem.
26
76272
1401
predstavljaju problem.
01:30
So, in love, we fall.
27
78700
1893
Dakle, u ljubav padamo.
01:33
We're struck.
28
81766
1465
Zaglavljeni smo.
01:35
We are crushed.
29
83255
1396
Zarobljeni smo.
01:37
We swoon.
30
85331
1370
Nesvjesni.
01:39
We burn with passion.
31
87186
1797
Izgaramo od strasti.
01:41
Love makes us crazy,
32
89738
1977
Ljubav nas izluđuje
01:43
and it makes us sick.
33
91739
1564
i bolesni smo od nje.
01:45
Our hearts ache,
34
93796
1360
Srca nas bole,
01:47
and then they break.
35
95180
2006
a potom se slamaju.
01:50
So our metaphors equate
the experience of loving someone
the experience of loving someone
36
98226
3144
Naše metafore iskustvo voljenja
izjednačavaju
izjednačavaju
01:53
to extreme violence or illness.
37
101394
2653
s ekstremnim nasiljem ili bolešću.
01:56
(Laughter)
38
104071
2085
(Smijeh)
01:59
They do.
39
107101
1151
Istina je.
02:00
And they position us as the victims
40
108276
1983
U njima igramo ulogu žrtve,
02:02
of unforeseen and totally
unavoidable circumstances.
unavoidable circumstances.
41
110283
3359
nepredviđenih i nepremostivih okolnosti.
02:06
My favorite one of these is "smitten,"
42
114547
2723
Najdraži mi je izraz "pokošen",
02:09
which is the past participle
of the word "smite."
of the word "smite."
43
117294
2854
čiji korijen leži u riječi "pokositi".
02:12
And if you look this word up
in the dictionary --
in the dictionary --
44
120172
3068
Potražite li ovu riječ u rječniku --
02:15
(Laughter)
45
123264
1024
(Smijeh)
02:16
you will see that it can be defined
as both "grievous affliction,"
as both "grievous affliction,"
46
124312
4518
vidjet ćete da je objašnjena
kao "mučna nesreća"
kao "mučna nesreća"
02:20
and, "to be very much in love."
47
128854
2851
i kao "teška zaljubljenost".
02:25
I tend to associate the word "smite"
with a very particular context,
with a very particular context,
48
133716
3344
Ja tu riječ povezujem
s točno određenim kontekstom,
s točno određenim kontekstom,
02:29
which is the Old Testament.
49
137084
1564
a to je Stari Zavjet.
02:31
In the Book of Exodus alone,
there are 16 references to smiting,
there are 16 references to smiting,
50
139560
4748
U Knjizi Izlaska "pokošenost"
se spominje 16 puta,
se spominje 16 puta,
02:36
which is the word that the Bible uses
for the vengeance of an angry God.
for the vengeance of an angry God.
51
144332
3773
a to je riječ koju Biblija koristi
za osvetu ljutog Boga.
za osvetu ljutog Boga.
02:40
(Laughter)
52
148129
1721
(Smijeh)
02:41
Here we are using the same word
to talk about love
to talk about love
53
149874
2705
A mi koristimo istu riječ
da bismo pričali o ljubavi.
da bismo pričali o ljubavi.
02:44
that we use to explain
a plague of locusts.
a plague of locusts.
54
152603
2426
i da bismo objasnili najezdu skakavaca.
02:47
(Laughter)
55
155053
1028
(Smijeh)
02:48
Right?
56
156105
1256
Zar ne?
02:49
So, how did this happen?
57
157385
2092
Kako se to dogodilo?
02:51
How have we come to associate love
with great pain and suffering?
with great pain and suffering?
58
159501
3991
Kako smo počeli povezivati ljubav
s velikom boli i mukom?
s velikom boli i mukom?
02:55
And why do we talk about
this ostensibly good experience
this ostensibly good experience
59
163516
3989
I zašto o ovome navodno dobro iskustvu
02:59
as if we are victims?
60
167529
2104
govorimo kao da smo u ulozi žrtve?
03:02
These are difficult questions,
61
170556
1691
Teška su to pitanja,
03:04
but I have some theories.
62
172271
1646
ali imam neke teorije.
03:05
And to think this through,
63
173941
1239
Da promislimo o tome,
03:07
I want to focus on one
metaphor in particular,
metaphor in particular,
64
175204
2628
želim da se posebno usredotočimo
na jednu metaforu,
na jednu metaforu,
03:09
which is the idea of love as madness.
65
177856
2171
a to je ideja ljubavi kao ludosti.
03:13
When I first started
researching romantic love,
researching romantic love,
66
181088
2707
Kad sam tek počela istraživati
o romantičnoj ljubavi,
o romantičnoj ljubavi,
03:15
I found these madness
metaphors everywhere.
metaphors everywhere.
67
183819
2761
posvuda sam nalazila
na te metafore ludosti.
na te metafore ludosti.
03:18
The history of Western culture
68
186604
2103
Povijest Zapadnjačke kulture
03:20
is full of language that equates
love to mental illness.
love to mental illness.
69
188731
3937
puna je jezika koji ljubav izjednačava
sa psihičkom bolesti.
sa psihičkom bolesti.
03:25
These are just a few examples.
70
193440
1927
To su samo neki od primjera.
03:27
William Shakespeare:
71
195391
1343
William Shakespeare:
03:28
"Love is merely a madness,"
72
196758
1433
"Ljubav je samo ludilo"
03:30
from "As You Like It."
73
198215
1317
iz "Kako vam drago".
03:32
Friedrich Nietzsche:
74
200092
1257
Friedrich Nietzsche:
03:33
"There is always some madness in love."
75
201373
2503
"Uvijek postoji djelić ludosti
u svakoj ljubavi."
u svakoj ljubavi."
03:36
"Got me looking, got me looking
so crazy in love -- "
so crazy in love -- "
76
204559
2866
"Sad sam luda od ljubavi ---"
03:39
(Laughter)
77
207449
2069
(Smijeh))
03:41
from the great philosopher,
Beyoncé Knowles.
Beyoncé Knowles.
78
209542
2598
velikog filozofa, Beyonce Knowles.
03:44
(Laughter)
79
212164
1461
(Smijeh)
03:47
I fell in love for the first
time when I was 20,
time when I was 20,
80
215083
2834
Prvi sam se put zaljubila s 20 godina.
03:49
and it was a pretty turbulent
relationship right from the start.
relationship right from the start.
81
217941
3179
Bila je to turbulentna veza
od samog početka.
od samog početka.
03:53
And it was long distance
for the first couple of years,
for the first couple of years,
82
221459
3205
Prvih nekoliko godina
bila je to veza na daljinu,
bila je to veza na daljinu,
03:56
so for me that meant very high highs
and very low lows.
and very low lows.
83
224688
4596
pa mi je u toj vezi bilo
ili najbolje ili najgore.
ili najbolje ili najgore.
04:01
I can remember one moment in particular.
84
229794
2204
Posebno se sjećam jednog trenutka.
04:04
I was sitting on a bed
in a hostel in South America,
in a hostel in South America,
85
232580
3345
Sjedila sam na krevetu
u južnoameričkom hostelu
u južnoameričkom hostelu
04:07
and I was watching the person
I love walk out the door.
I love walk out the door.
86
235949
3696
i ugledala svog voljenog kako ulazi.
04:12
And it was late,
87
240151
1613
Bilo je kasno,
04:13
it was nearly midnight,
88
241788
1260
skoro pa ponoć,
04:15
we'd gotten into an argument over dinner,
89
243072
1977
posvađali smo se za večerom
04:17
and when we got back to our room,
90
245073
1949
i kad smo se vratili u sobu,
04:19
he threw his things in the bag
and stormed out.
and stormed out.
91
247046
2725
pokupio je svoje stvari
u torbu i izletio iz sobe.
u torbu i izletio iz sobe.
04:23
While I can no longer remember
what that argument was about,
what that argument was about,
92
251141
3259
Iako se više ne sjećam
oko čega smo se posvađali,
oko čega smo se posvađali,
04:26
I very clearly remember
how I felt watching him leave.
how I felt watching him leave.
93
254424
4055
sjećam se vrlo jasno kako sam se osjećala
dok sam ga gledala kako odlazi.
dok sam ga gledala kako odlazi.
04:31
I was 22, it was my first time
in the developing world,
in the developing world,
94
259122
3545
Bilo mi je 22, prvi put sam se našla
u nekoj od zemalja u razvoju
u nekoj od zemalja u razvoju
04:35
and I was totally alone.
95
263424
2255
i bila sam sasvim sama.
04:38
I had another week until my flight home,
96
266412
3367
Do povratka kući dijelio me jedan tjedan,
04:41
and I knew the name
of the town that I was in,
of the town that I was in,
97
269803
2368
znala sam ime grada
u kojem sam se nalazila
u kojem sam se nalazila
04:44
and the name of the city
that I needed to get to to fly out,
that I needed to get to to fly out,
98
272195
3583
i ime grada u koji idem,
04:47
but I had no idea how to get around.
99
275802
3256
ali nisam se nikako mogla snaći.
04:51
I had no guidebook and very little money,
100
279842
3177
Nisam imala vodič,
imala sam vrlo malo novca
imala sam vrlo malo novca
04:55
and I spoke no Spanish.
101
283043
1770
i nisam znala španjolski.
04:57
Someone more adventurous than me
102
285547
2097
Netko s izraženijim
pustolovnim duhom od mene
pustolovnim duhom od mene
04:59
might have seen this as
a moment of opportunity,
a moment of opportunity,
103
287668
2430
možda bi to vidio kao priliku,
05:02
but I just froze.
104
290122
1830
ali ja sam se skamenila.
05:04
I just sat there.
105
292406
1817
Samo sam sjedila.
05:06
And then I burst into tears.
106
294738
2043
I onda sam briznula u plač.
05:09
But despite my panic,
107
297357
2371
Unatoč mojoj panici,
05:11
some small voice in my head thought,
108
299752
2570
neki glasić u mojoj glavi pomislio je:
05:14
"Wow. That was dramatic.
109
302346
2337
"Opa. Čista drama.
05:16
I must really be doing
this love thing right."
this love thing right."
110
304707
2699
Mora da mi ide ova ljubav."
05:19
(Laughter)
111
307430
1788
(Smijeh)
05:21
Because some part of me
wanted to feel miserable in love.
wanted to feel miserable in love.
112
309242
4520
Zato što je neki dio mene
želio patiti zbog ljubavi.
želio patiti zbog ljubavi.
05:26
And it sounds so strange
to me now, but at 22,
to me now, but at 22,
113
314226
3440
Sada mi to zvuči baš čudno,
ali u 22. godini,
ali u 22. godini,
05:29
I longed to have dramatic experiences,
114
317690
3145
čeznula sam za dramatičnim iskustvima,
05:32
and in that moment, I was irrational
and furious and devastated,
and furious and devastated,
115
320859
5198
a u tom sam trenutku bila
iracionalna, bijesna i shrvana,
iracionalna, bijesna i shrvana,
05:38
and weirdly enough,
116
326081
1224
a začudo,
05:39
I thought that this somehow
legitimized the feelings I had
legitimized the feelings I had
117
327329
3376
pomislila sam kako to na neki način
opravdava osjećaje koje sam gajila
opravdava osjećaje koje sam gajila
05:42
for the guy who had just left me.
118
330729
1839
prema dečku koji me upravo ostavio.
05:46
I think on some level I wanted
to feel a little bit crazy,
to feel a little bit crazy,
119
334163
4363
Mislim da sam se htjela osjećati
pomalo ludo
pomalo ludo
05:50
because I thought that
that was how loved worked.
that was how loved worked.
120
338550
3532
jer sam mislila
da ljubav tako funkcionira.
da ljubav tako funkcionira.
05:55
This really should not be surprising,
121
343141
1807
To ne bi trebalo čuditi
05:56
considering that according to Wikipedia,
122
344972
2454
jer prema Wikipediji,
05:59
there are eight films,
123
347450
2273
imamo osam filmova,
06:01
14 songs,
124
349747
1997
14 pjesama,
06:03
two albums and one novel
with the title "Crazy Love."
with the title "Crazy Love."
125
351768
3197
dva albuma i jedan roman
pod nazivom "Lud od ljubavi".
pod nazivom "Lud od ljubavi".
06:07
About half an hour later,
he came back to our room.
he came back to our room.
126
355837
3126
U sobu se vratio nakon pola sata.
06:10
We made up.
127
358987
1151
Pomirili smo se.
06:12
We spent another mostly
happy week traveling together.
happy week traveling together.
128
360162
2817
Proveli smo zajedno još jedan
uglavnom sretan vikend.
uglavnom sretan vikend.
06:15
And then, when I got home,
129
363003
1432
Tada, kad sam se vratila kući,
06:16
I thought, "That was so
terrible and so great.
terrible and so great.
130
364459
4984
pomislila sam - "To je bilo
zastrašujuće, ali divno.
zastrašujuće, ali divno.
06:21
This must be a real romance."
131
369989
1715
Ovo mora da je prava romansa."
06:25
I expected my first love
to feel like madness,
to feel like madness,
132
373006
2700
Očekivala sam da će moja
prva ljubav biti poput ludosti.
prva ljubav biti poput ludosti.
06:27
and of course, it met
that expectation very well.
that expectation very well.
133
375730
3780
i ovo je bilo potpuno
u skladu s mojim očekivanjima.
u skladu s mojim očekivanjima.
06:31
But loving someone like that --
134
379941
1691
Ali voljeti nekoga na taj način -
06:33
as if my entire well-being depended
on him loving me back --
on him loving me back --
135
381656
4095
kao da cijela moja dobrobit
ovisi o tome da me on voli --
ovisi o tome da me on voli --
06:37
was not very good for me
136
385775
2093
nije bilo baš dobro ni za mene
06:39
or for him.
137
387892
1150
ni za njega.
06:41
But I suspect this experience of love
is not that unusual.
is not that unusual.
138
389850
3701
No, pretpostavljam da osjećaj ljubavi
nije tako neuobičajen.
nije tako neuobičajen.
06:46
Most of us do feel a bit mad
in the early stages of romantic love.
in the early stages of romantic love.
139
394026
4211
Svi smo malo ludi
u početnim fazama romantične ljubavi.
u početnim fazama romantične ljubavi.
06:50
In fact, there is research to confirm
that this is somewhat normal,
that this is somewhat normal,
140
398815
3816
Čak štoviše, jedno istraživanje potvrđuje
da je to donekle normalno
da je to donekle normalno
06:55
because, neurochemically speaking,
141
403280
1886
jer, neuro-kemijski gledano,
06:57
romantic love and mental illness
are not that easily distinguished.
are not that easily distinguished.
142
405190
4562
romantična ljubav i psihička bolest
ne mogu se tako lako razlikovati.
ne mogu se tako lako razlikovati.
07:03
This is true.
143
411046
1151
To je istina.
07:04
This study from 1999 used blood tests
144
412221
4559
To istraživanje iz 1999.
koristilo je krvne nalaze
koristilo je krvne nalaze
07:08
to confirm that the serotonin
levels of the newly in love
levels of the newly in love
145
416804
3094
kako bi potvrdilo da razine
serotonina friško zaljubljene osobe
serotonina friško zaljubljene osobe
07:11
very closely resembled
the serotonin levels
the serotonin levels
146
419922
2797
nalikuju razinama serotonina
07:14
of people who had been diagnosed
with obsessive-compulsive disorder.
with obsessive-compulsive disorder.
147
422743
3305
ljudi kojima je dijagnosticiran
opsesivno-kompulzivni poremećaj.
opsesivno-kompulzivni poremećaj.
07:18
(Laughter)
148
426072
1008
(Smijeh)
07:19
Yes, and low levels of serotonin
149
427104
2697
Da, niske razine serotonina
07:21
are also associated
with seasonal affective disorder
with seasonal affective disorder
150
429825
3602
također mogu imati veze
sa zimskom depresijom
sa zimskom depresijom
07:25
and depression.
151
433451
1280
i depresijom općenito.
07:27
So there is some evidence
152
435687
2260
Postoje dokazi
07:29
that love is associated with changes
to our moods and our behaviors.
to our moods and our behaviors.
153
437971
4348
da je ljubav zaslužna za promjene
u našem raspoloženju i ponašanju.
u našem raspoloženju i ponašanju.
07:34
And there are other studies to confirm
154
442343
4007
Druga istraživanja potvrđuju
07:38
that most relationships begin this way.
155
446374
3690
da većina veza počinje na takav način.
07:42
Researchers believe
that the low levels of serotonin
that the low levels of serotonin
156
450660
4163
Istraživači vjeruju
da su niske razine serotonina
da su niske razine serotonina
07:46
is correlated with obsessive thinking
about the object of love,
about the object of love,
157
454847
4035
povezane s opsesivnim razmišljanjem
o predmetu žudnje,
o predmetu žudnje,
07:50
which is like this feeling that someone
has set up camp in your brain.
has set up camp in your brain.
158
458906
4058
zbog čega se možete osjećati
kao da vam netko ne izlazi iz glave.
kao da vam netko ne izlazi iz glave.
07:54
And most of us feel this way
when we first fall in love.
when we first fall in love.
159
462988
2931
Tako se većina nas osjeća
kad se prvi put zaljubi.
kad se prvi put zaljubi.
07:57
But the good news is,
it doesn't always last that long --
it doesn't always last that long --
160
465943
3126
Dobra vijest glasi -
to ne traje uvijek toliko dugo,
to ne traje uvijek toliko dugo,
08:01
usually from a few months
to a couple of years.
to a couple of years.
161
469093
3173
najčešće nekoliko mjeseci
do nekoliko godina.
do nekoliko godina.
08:05
When I got back from my trip
to South America,
to South America,
162
473352
2808
Kad sam se vratila s putovanja
u Južnu Ameriku,
u Južnu Ameriku,
08:08
I spent a lot of time alone in my room,
163
476184
3577
puno sam vremena provodila
sama u svojoj sobi,
sama u svojoj sobi,
08:11
checking my email,
164
479785
1340
provjeravala e-poštu,
08:13
desperate to hear from the guy I loved.
165
481149
2363
očajnički sam željela
da mi se voljeni javi.
da mi se voljeni javi.
08:16
I decided that if my friends could not
understand my grievous affliction,
understand my grievous affliction,
166
484545
5348
Odlučila sam - ako moji prijatelji
ne mogu razumjeti moju strašnu bol,
ne mogu razumjeti moju strašnu bol,
08:21
then I did not need their friendship.
167
489917
1949
ne trebam njihovo prijateljstvo.
08:23
So I stopped hanging out
with most of them.
with most of them.
168
491890
2083
Prestala sam se družiti s većinom.
08:26
And it was probably the most
unhappy year of my life.
unhappy year of my life.
169
494387
4194
To je vjerojatno bila
najnesretnija godina moga života.
najnesretnija godina moga života.
08:31
But I think I felt like
it was my job to be miserable,
it was my job to be miserable,
170
499086
4114
Na neki sam način smatrala
da se moram osjećati jadno
da se moram osjećati jadno
08:35
because if I could be miserable,
171
503849
1792
jer ako sam mogla biti jadna,
08:37
then I would prove how much I loved him.
172
505665
2667
to je dokazivalo koliko sam ga voljela.
08:40
And if I could prove it,
173
508356
1885
A kad bih to dokazala,
08:42
then we would have to end up
together eventually.
together eventually.
174
510265
2954
na kraju bismo nekako opet
završili zajedno.
završili zajedno.
08:46
This is the real madness,
175
514050
2088
To je pravo ludilo
08:48
because there is no cosmic rule
176
516162
2395
jer ne postoji nikakvo kozmičko pravilo
08:50
that says that great suffering
equals great reward,
equals great reward,
177
518581
3362
da velika patnja donosi veliku nagradu,
08:54
but we talk about love as if this is true.
178
522478
3904
ali takvo mišljenje je uvriježeno
kad je ljubav u pitanju.
kad je ljubav u pitanju.
08:59
Our experiences of love
are both biological and cultural.
are both biological and cultural.
179
527463
3676
Naša iskustva ljubavi su
i biološka i kulturološka.
i biološka i kulturološka.
09:03
Our biology tells us that love is good
180
531774
2459
Naša nam biologija govori
da je ljubav dobra
da je ljubav dobra
09:06
by activating these reward
circuits in our brain,
circuits in our brain,
181
534257
3154
aktivirajući te nagrađivačke sklopove
u našim mozgovima
u našim mozgovima
09:09
and it tells us that love is painful
when, after a fight or a breakup,
when, after a fight or a breakup,
182
537435
4620
i govoreći nam da je ljubav bolna
kad nam je, nakon svađe ili prekida,
kad nam je, nakon svađe ili prekida,
09:14
that neurochemical reward is withdrawn.
183
542079
2610
neuro-kemijska nagrada uskraćena.
09:17
And in fact -- and maybe
you've heard this --
you've heard this --
184
545155
2442
A zapravo -- to ste možda i čuli --
09:19
neurochemically speaking,
185
547621
1844
neuro-kemijski gledano,
09:21
going through a breakup is a lot
like going through cocaine withdrawal,
like going through cocaine withdrawal,
186
549489
3434
proživljavanje prekida nalik je
odvikavanju od kokaina,
odvikavanju od kokaina,
09:25
which I find reassuring.
187
553675
1636
što je za mene utješna činjenica.
09:27
(Laughter)
188
555335
1150
(Smijeh)
09:29
And then our culture uses language
189
557066
2832
I onda naša kultura koristi jezik
09:31
to shape and reinforce
these ideas about love.
these ideas about love.
190
559922
2781
kako bi oblikovala
i učvrstila te ideje o ljubavi.
i učvrstila te ideje o ljubavi.
09:34
In this case, we're talking
about metaphors about pain
about metaphors about pain
191
562727
2624
U tom slučaju, radi se o
metaforama o boli,
metaforama o boli,
09:37
and addiction and madness.
192
565375
1515
ovisnosti i ludilu.
09:39
It's kind of an interesting feedback loop.
193
567826
2444
Zanimljiva je to petlja povratne veze.
09:42
Love is powerful and at times painful,
194
570294
3517
Ljubav je snažna i ponekad bolna,
09:45
and we express this
in our words and stories,
in our words and stories,
195
573835
2765
a mi to izražavamo
svojim riječima i pričama,
svojim riječima i pričama,
09:49
but then our words and stories prime us
196
577182
2498
ali onda nas te riječi i priče uvjetuju
09:51
to expect love to be powerful and painful.
197
579704
3462
da od ljubavi očekujemo
da bude snažna i bolna.
da bude snažna i bolna.
09:55
What's interesting to me
is that all of this happens
is that all of this happens
198
583955
3173
Zanimljivo mi je kako se sve to događa
09:59
in a culture that values
lifelong monogamy.
lifelong monogamy.
199
587152
2723
u kulturi koja cijeni
cjeloživotnu monogamiju.
cjeloživotnu monogamiju.
10:02
It seems like we want it both ways:
200
590658
2061
Čini se kao da želimo sve odjednom -
10:04
we want love to feel like madness,
201
592743
2351
želim da ljubav bude poput ludila
10:07
and we want it to last an entire lifetime.
202
595718
3146
i želimo da traje do kraja života.
10:11
That sounds terrible.
203
599561
1563
Ne zvuči li to užasno?
10:13
(Laughter)
204
601148
1529
(Smijeh)
10:15
To reconcile this,
205
603853
1596
Kako bismo pomirili te želje,
10:17
we need to either change our culture
or change our expectations.
or change our expectations.
206
605473
5025
moramo promijeniti
ili našu kulturu ili naša očekivanja.
ili našu kulturu ili naša očekivanja.
10:23
So, imagine if we were all
less passive in love.
less passive in love.
207
611408
3593
Zamislite da smo svi
manje pasivni u ljubavi.
manje pasivni u ljubavi.
10:27
If we were more assertive,
more open-minded, more generous
more open-minded, more generous
208
615642
4146
Da smo asertivniji,
otvorenijeg uma, velikodušniji
otvorenijeg uma, velikodušniji
10:31
and instead of falling in love,
209
619812
3301
i umjesto da "padnemo u ljubav",
10:35
we stepped into love.
210
623137
2225
u nju zakoračimo.
10:38
I know that this is asking a lot,
211
626223
1929
Znam da tražim puno,
10:40
but I'm not actually
the first person to suggest this.
the first person to suggest this.
212
628176
3474
ali nisam ja prva koja je to predložila.
10:45
In their book, "Metaphors We Live By,"
213
633012
2509
U knjizi "Metafore po kojima živimo"
10:47
linguists Mark Johnson and George Lakoff
suggest a really interesting solution
suggest a really interesting solution
214
635545
5114
lingvisti MarkJohnson i George Lakoff
predlažu zanimljivo rješenje
predlažu zanimljivo rješenje
10:52
to this dilemma,
215
640683
1218
ove dileme,
10:54
which is to change our metaphors.
216
642491
2416
a to je da promijenimo naše metafore.
10:57
They argue that metaphors really do shape
the way we experience the world,
the way we experience the world,
217
645795
4417
Oni tvrde da metafore uistinu
oblikuju način na koji doživljavamo svijet
oblikuju način na koji doživljavamo svijet
11:03
and that they can even act
as a guide for future actions,
as a guide for future actions,
218
651071
3498
i da nam čak mogu poslužiti
kao vodič za buduća djelovanja,
kao vodič za buduća djelovanja,
11:06
like self-fulfilling prophecies.
219
654593
1888
poput samoispunjavajućeg proročanstva.
11:09
Johnson and Lakoff suggest
a new metaphor for love:
a new metaphor for love:
220
657489
3556
Johnson i Lakoff predlažu
novu metaforu za ljubav:
novu metaforu za ljubav:
11:13
love as a collaborative work of art.
221
661977
2114
ljubav kao suradničko umjetničko djelo.
11:16
I really like this way
of thinking about love.
of thinking about love.
222
664872
3050
Sviđa mi se taj način
razmišljanja o ljubavi.
razmišljanja o ljubavi.
11:21
Linguists talk about metaphors
as having entailments,
as having entailments,
223
669028
3522
Lingvisti tvrde da metafore
uključuju određene pretpostavke,
uključuju određene pretpostavke,
11:24
which is essentially a way of considering
all the implications of,
all the implications of,
224
672574
3796
a to je način razmatranja svih implikacija
11:28
or ideas contained
within, a given metaphor.
within, a given metaphor.
225
676394
2932
ili ideja sadržanih u određenoj metafori.
11:31
And Johnson and Lakoff
talk about everything
talk about everything
226
679350
2909
Johnson i Lakoff govore o svemu
11:34
that collaborating
on a work of art entails:
on a work of art entails:
227
682283
2152
što suradnja
na umjetničkom djelu uključuje:
na umjetničkom djelu uključuje:
11:36
effort, compromise,
patience, shared goals.
patience, shared goals.
228
684976
4155
trud, kompromis,
strpljenje, zajedničke ciljeve.
strpljenje, zajedničke ciljeve.
11:41
These ideas align nicely
with our cultural investment
with our cultural investment
229
689655
3830
Te se ideje lijepo slažu
s našim kulturološkim ulaganjima
s našim kulturološkim ulaganjima
11:45
in long-term romantic commitment,
230
693509
2073
u dugoročne romantične zavjete,
11:47
but they also work well
for other kinds of relationships --
for other kinds of relationships --
231
695606
3611
ali slažu se i s drugim vrstama odnosa --
11:52
short-term, casual, polyamorous,
non-monogamous, asexual --
non-monogamous, asexual --
232
700020
5656
kratkoročnim, neobveznim, višeljubnim,
nemonogamnim, aseksualnim --
nemonogamnim, aseksualnim --
11:57
because this metaphor brings
much more complex ideas
much more complex ideas
233
705700
3885
jer ta metafora donosi
puno kompleksnijih ideja
puno kompleksnijih ideja
12:01
to the experience of loving someone.
234
709609
2040
iskustvu ljubavi prema nekome.
12:04
So if love is a collaborative work of art,
235
712670
4394
Ako je ljubav suradničko umjetničko djelo,
12:09
then love is an aesthetic experience.
236
717088
3412
ljubav je estetsko iskustvo.
12:13
Love is unpredictable,
237
721524
1895
Ljubav je nepredvidljiva,
12:16
love is creative,
238
724153
2024
ljubav je kreativna,
12:18
love requires communication
and discipline,
and discipline,
239
726898
4133
ljubav zahtijeva
komunikaciju i disciplinu,
komunikaciju i disciplinu,
12:23
it is frustrating
and emotionally demanding.
and emotionally demanding.
240
731055
3189
frustrirajuća je i emocionalno zahtjevna,
12:26
And love involves both joy and pain.
241
734677
3350
a ljubav uključuje i sreću i bol.
12:30
Ultimately, each experience
of love is different.
of love is different.
242
738742
3619
Konačno, svaka ljubav je drugačija.
12:35
When I was younger,
243
743759
1627
Kad sam bila mlađa,
12:37
it never occurred to me that I was allowed
to demand more from love,
to demand more from love,
244
745410
4668
nikad mi nije palo na pamet da mi je
dozvoljeno tražiti više od ljubavi,
dozvoljeno tražiti više od ljubavi,
12:42
that I didn't have to just accept
whatever love offered.
whatever love offered.
245
750102
3693
da ne moram samo prihvatiti
ono što se nudi.
ono što se nudi.
12:46
When 14-year-old Juliet first meets --
246
754775
3329
Kad 14-ogodišnja Julija upoznaje --
12:50
or, when 14-year-old Juliet
cannot be with Romeo,
cannot be with Romeo,
247
758128
3925
ili kad 14-godišnja Julija
ne može biti s Romeom,
ne može biti s Romeom,
12:54
whom she has met four days ago,
248
762077
2637
kojeg je upoznala prije četiri dana,
12:56
she does not feel disappointed or angsty.
249
764738
3810
nije razočarana ili tjeskobna.
13:01
Where is she?
250
769022
1357
Gdje je?
13:02
She wants to die.
251
770403
1294
Želi umrijeti.
13:04
Right?
252
772236
1151
Zar ne?
13:05
And just as a refresher,
at this point in the play,
at this point in the play,
253
773411
2469
Samo da vas podsjetim,
u ovom dijelu drame,
u ovom dijelu drame,
13:07
act three of five,
254
775904
1308
čin treći od pet,
13:09
Romeo is not dead.
255
777236
1821
Romeo još nije mrtav.
13:11
He's alive,
256
779641
1340
Živ je,
13:13
he's healthy,
257
781005
1388
zdrav je,
13:14
he's just been banished from the city.
258
782417
2194
samo je protjeran iz grada.
13:17
I understand that 16th-century Verona
is unlike contemporary North America,
is unlike contemporary North America,
259
785853
6001
Razumijem ja da Verona 16. stoljeća
nije poput suvremene Južne Amerike,
nije poput suvremene Južne Amerike,
13:23
and yet when I first read this play,
260
791878
2978
ali kad sam prvi put pročitala tu dramu,
13:26
also at age 14,
261
794880
2393
kad mi je također bilo 14 godina,
13:29
Juliet's suffering made sense to me.
262
797297
2683
Julijine patnje imale su mi smisla.
13:33
Reframing love as something
I get to create with someone I admire,
I get to create with someone I admire,
263
801295
5357
Preoblikovanje ljubavi u nešto što imam
priliku stvarati s nekim kome se divim,
priliku stvarati s nekim kome se divim,
13:38
rather than something
that just happens to me
that just happens to me
264
806676
2444
umjesto nečega što mi se
jednostavno dogodi,
jednostavno dogodi,
13:41
without my control or consent,
265
809144
2522
bez moje kontrole ili pristanka,
13:43
is empowering.
266
811690
1605
osnažujuće je.
13:45
It's still hard.
267
813779
1618
I dalje je teško.
13:47
Love still feels totally maddening
and crushing some days,
and crushing some days,
268
815421
5532
Ljubav ponekad toliko zaluđuje i slama
13:52
and when I feel really frustrated,
269
820977
2115
i kada sam frustrirana,
13:55
I have to remind myself:
270
823116
1330
moram se podsjetiti:
13:56
my job in this relationship
is to talk to my partner
is to talk to my partner
271
824995
3344
u ovoj vezi moje je zadatak
pričati s mojim partnerom
pričati s mojim partnerom
14:00
about what I want to make together.
272
828363
2051
o tome što želim da skupa izgradimo.
14:03
This isn't easy, either.
273
831923
2334
Nije ni to lako,
14:06
But it's just so much better
than the alternative,
than the alternative,
274
834756
3447
ali puno je bolje od alternative,
14:10
which is that thing
that feels like madness.
that feels like madness.
275
838672
2777
a to je onaj osjećaj ludosti.
14:14
This version of love is not about winning
or losing someone's affection.
or losing someone's affection.
276
842839
5357
Ova inačica ljubavi ne bavi se osvajanjem
ili gubljenjem nečije naklonosti,
ili gubljenjem nečije naklonosti,
14:20
Instead, it requires
that you trust your partner
that you trust your partner
277
848761
3598
već traži od vas da vjerujete partneru
14:24
and talk about things
when trusting feels difficult,
when trusting feels difficult,
278
852383
3074
i da razgovarate o stvarima
kad se povjerenje čini teško.
kad se povjerenje čini teško.
14:27
which sounds so simple,
279
855481
2446
To zvuči jako jednostavno,
14:29
but is actually a kind
of revolutionary, radical act.
of revolutionary, radical act.
280
857951
4496
ali to je zapravo revolucionarni,
radikalni čin.
radikalni čin.
14:35
This is because you get to stop
thinking about yourself
thinking about yourself
281
863062
3264
To je zato što možete prestati
razmišljati o sebi
razmišljati o sebi
14:39
and what you're gaining
or losing in your relationship,
or losing in your relationship,
282
867230
3141
i o tome što dobivate ili gubite u vezi
14:42
and you get to start thinking
about what you have to offer.
about what you have to offer.
283
870395
3397
te počinjete razmišljati o tome
što imate za ponuditi.
što imate za ponuditi.
14:46
This version of love
allows us to say things like,
allows us to say things like,
284
874811
3405
Ta verzija ljubavi omogućuje nam
da govorimo ovakve stvari:
da govorimo ovakve stvari:
14:50
"Hey, we're not very good collaborators.
Maybe this isn't for us."
Maybe this isn't for us."
285
878240
4830
"Ne surađujemo baš najbolje.
Možda ovo nije za nas."
Možda ovo nije za nas."
14:55
Or, "That relationship
was shorter than I had planned,
was shorter than I had planned,
286
883733
3861
Ili: "Ta je veza bila kraća
nego što sam planirala,
nego što sam planirala,
14:59
but it was still kind of beautiful."
287
887618
2172
ali ipak je bila lijepa na svoj način."
15:02
The beautiful thing
about the collaborative work of art
about the collaborative work of art
288
890836
2790
Ono što je lijepo u suradničkom
umjetničkom djelu
umjetničkom djelu
15:05
is that it will not paint
or draw or sculpt itself.
or draw or sculpt itself.
289
893650
2891
jest to da ga ne slikamo,
ne crtamo i ne klešemo sami.
ne crtamo i ne klešemo sami.
15:09
This version of love allows us
to decide what it looks like.
to decide what it looks like.
290
897098
3911
Ta inačica ljubavi omogućava nam
da odlučimo kako ono izgleda.
da odlučimo kako ono izgleda.
15:13
Thank you.
291
901033
1151
Hvala vam.
15:14
(Applause)
292
902208
2023
(Pljesak)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Mandy Len Catron - WriterMandy Len Catron explores love stories.
Why you should listen
Originally from Appalachian Virginia, Mandy Len Catron is a writer living and working in Vancouver, British Columbia. Her book How to Fall in Love with Anyone, is available for preorder on Amazon. Catron's writing has appeared in the New York Times, The Washington Post, and The Walrus, as well as literary journals and anthologies. She writes about love and love stories at The Love Story Project and teaches English and creative writing at the University of British Columbia. Her article "To Fall in Love with Anyone, Do This" was one of the most popular articles published by the New York Times in 2015.
Mandy Len Catron | Speaker | TED.com