ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Julia Sweeney - Actor, comedian, playwright
Julia Sweeney creates comedic works that tackle deep issues: cancer, family, faith.

Why you should listen

Julia Sweeney is a writer, director, actress, comedian and monologist. She is known for being a cast member on Saturday Night Live from 1990 to 1995, where she created and popularized the androgynous character, Pat. She is also well known for her comedic and dramatic monologues. God Said Ha! is a monologue about serious illness, her brother's lymphoma and her own cancer, and her family's crazy reactions to this crisis as they soldiered their way through struggle, confusion and death. This play was performed all over the U.S. and on Broadway at the Lyceum Theater. It was made into a film produced by Quentin Tarantino, and the comedy album from the show was nominated for a Grammy.

Sweeney's second monologue, In the Family Way, played in theatrical runs in New York and Los Angeles. It was ultimately fashioned into a book, a memoir titled If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother. Sweeney's third monologue, Letting Go of God, chronicled her journey from Catholicism to atheism. It was made into a film that played on Showtime.

More profile about the speaker
Julia Sweeney | Speaker | TED.com
TED2010

Julia Sweeney: It's time for "The Talk"

جولیا سوینێی: ئێستا کاتی "قسەکەیە"

Filmed:
3,719,405 views

سەڕەڕای باشترین هەوڵەکانی، جولیا سوێنێی ناچار بووە هەندێک درۆی سپی بۆ کچەکەی بکات کاتێک کچەکەی دەربارەی زاوزێی بۆق فێردەبێت و پرسیار لە هەندێک شتی زیرەکانە دەکات.
- Actor, comedian, playwright
Julia Sweeney creates comedic works that tackle deep issues: cancer, family, faith. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:15
I have a daughter, Mulan.
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کچێکم هەیە ناوی مولانە.
00:17
And when she was eight, last year,
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ساڵی پار، کاتێک تەمەنی هەشت ساڵ بوو،
00:20
she was doing a report for school
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ڕاپۆرتێکی بۆ قوتابخانە دەنووسی
00:22
or she had some homework about frogs.
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یان چەند ئەرکێکی دەربارەی بۆق هەبوو.
00:24
And we were at this restaurant,
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و ئێمە لەو ڕێستۆرانتە بووین،
00:26
and she said, "So, basically,
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گوتی، "کەوایە،
00:28
frogs lay eggs
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بۆق گەرا دادەنێ
00:30
and the eggs turn into tadpoles,
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و ئەو گەرایانە دەبنە سەرەمێکوتە،
00:32
and tadpoles turn into frogs."
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و ئەو سەرەمێکوتانە دەبنە بۆق ."
00:34
And I said, "Yeah. You know, I'm not really up on my frog reproduction that much.
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منیش گوتم، "من زۆر لەگەڵ
ئەم زاوزێیەی بۆقە نیم.
00:37
It's the females, I think, that lay the eggs,
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ئەوە مێینەکەیە، کە گەراکە دادەنێ،
00:39
and then the males fertilize them.
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و نێرینەکەی گەراکە دەپیتێنێت.
00:41
And then they become tadpoles and frogs."
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دواتر دەبن بە سەرەمێکوتە و ئینجا بۆق."
00:43
And she says, "What? Only the females have eggs?"
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گوتی، "چی؟ تەنها مێینەکان هێلکەیان هەیە؟"
00:45
And I said, "Yeah."
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و من گوتم، "بەڵێ."
00:47
And she goes, "And what's this fertilizing?"
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ئەویش گوتی، "و ئەم پیتاندنە چییە؟"
00:49
So I kind of said, "Oh, it's this extra ingredient,
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منیش گوتم، "ئەوە بەشە زیادەکەیە،
00:51
you know, that you need
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دەزانی، کە پێویستە
00:53
to create a new frog
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بۆقێکی نوێ دروست بکرێت
00:55
from the mom and dad frog." (Laughter)
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لە باوانی بۆقەکەوە."
(پێکەنین)
00:57
And she said, "Oh, so is that true for humans too?"
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و گوتی، "ئۆو،
ئەمە لە مرۆڤیش بە هەمان شێوەیە؟"
01:00
And I thought, "Okay, here we go."
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بیرمکردەوە، "باشە، با بەردەوام بین."
01:03
I didn't know it would happen so quick, at eight.
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پێموانەبوو ئاوا زوو ڕووبدات، هەشت ساڵان.
01:05
I was trying to remember all the guidebooks,
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هەوڵمدەدا هەموو ئەو ڕێبەرانەم بیربێتەوە،
01:07
and all I could remember was,
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هەموو ئەوەی بیرم هاتەوە ئەوەبوو،
01:09
"Only answer the question they're asking.
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"تەنها وەڵامی ئەو پرسیارانە
بدەوە کە دەکرێن.
01:11
Don't give any more information." (Laughter)
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هیچ زانیاریەکی زیادە مەدە."
(پێکەنین)
01:14
So I said, "Yes."
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هەروەها منیش گوتم، "بەڵێ"
01:16
And she said, "And where do, um,
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و گوتی، "لە کوێ دەکرێ، هم،
01:19
where do human women,
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لە کوێ ئافرەت دایدەنێ،
01:21
like, where do women lay their eggs?"
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ئافرەت لە کوێ هێلکە دادەنێت؟"
01:23
And I said, "Well,
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و گوتم، "باشە،
01:25
funny you should ask. (Laughter)
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( پێکەنین)
چەند پریارێکی پێکەنیناویە.
01:28
We have evolved to have our own pond.
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ئێمە لە بەرامبەردا جۆگەلەی خۆمان هەیە.
01:31
We have our very own pond inside our bodies.
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لەشمان جۆگەلەی تایبەت بەخۆی هەیە.
01:34
And we lay our eggs there,
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و هێلکەکانمان لەوێ دادەنێین،
01:36
we don't have to worry about other eggs or anything like that.
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پێویست ناکات نیگەرانی
هێلکەکان وهیچیتر بین.
01:39
It's our own pond. And that's how it happens."
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ئەوە ئەوەیە کە بەسەرمان دێت."
01:42
And she goes, "Then how do they get fertilized?"
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گوتی، "ئەی چۆن دەپیتێندرێن؟"
01:44
And I said, "Well,
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و گوتم، "بەڵێ،
01:46
Men, through their penis,
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پیاوان، لە ڕێگەی زەکەریانەوە،
01:49
they fertilize the eggs by the sperm coming out.
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هێلکەکان
دەپیتێنن لەڕێگەی ئەوسپێرمانەی دەردەدرێن.
01:52
And you go through the woman's vagina."
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بە مێیە کۆئەندامی زاوزێدا تێدەپەرن."
01:55
And so we're just eating, and her jaw just drops,
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ئێمەش قوتیدەدەین، سەریسوڕما،
01:57
and she goes, "Mom!
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گوتی، "دایکە!
01:59
Like, where you go to the bathroom?"
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یانی، کاتێک دەچیە گەرماو؟"
02:02
And I said, "I know.
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ووتم، "دەزانم.
02:04
I know."
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دەزانم."
02:06
(Laughter)
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(پێکەنین)
02:12
That's how we evolved. It does seem odd.
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سەیرە، بەمشێوەیە گەشەمان سەندووە.
02:14
It is a little bit like having a waste treatment plant
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ئەمە وەک پرۆژەی چارەسەری پاشماوەکانە
02:17
right next to an amusement park ...
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ڕاستەوخۆ لە تەنیشت باخچەیەکی خۆش.
02:20
Bad zoning, but ..." (Laughter)
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دابەشکردنێکی خراپە، بەڵام..."
(پێکەنین)
02:22
She's like, "What?" And she goes, "But Mom,
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بەم شێوەیەیە، "چی؟" و گوتی، "بەڵام دایکە،
02:25
but men and women can't ever see each other naked, Mom.
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بەڵام هاوسەرەکان ناتوانن
بۆ هەمیشە بەڕووتی یەک ببینن، دایکە.
02:28
So how could that ever happen?"
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چۆن ئەمە دەکرێ ڕووبدات؟"
02:30
And then I go, "Well," and then I put my Margaret Mead hat on.
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دواتر گوتم،
"باشە، " و دواتر خستمە سەر مارگارێت مێد.
02:34
"Human males and females
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"نێرە و مێیەیی مرۆڤ
02:36
develop a special bond,
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پەیوەندیەکی تایبەت پەرەپێدەدەن،
02:39
and when they're much older, much, much older than you,
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و ئەوکاتەی زیاتر لە تۆ، دەچنە تەمەنەوە،
02:42
and they have a very special feeling,
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هەستێکی زۆر تایبەتیان هەیە،
02:44
then they can be naked together."
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دواتر دەکرێ هەردووکیان ڕووتبن."
02:46
And she said, "Mom,
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و گوتی، "دایکە،
02:48
have you done this before?"
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هەرگیز پێشتر ئەمەت کردووە؟"
02:50
And I said, "Yes."
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و گوتم، "بەڵێ."
02:53
And she said, "But Mom, you can't have kids."
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گوتی، "بەڵام، تۆ
ناتوانی منداڵت ببێت."
02:55
Because she knows that I adopted her and that I can't have kids.
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چونکە ئەو دەیزانی کەوا هەڵگیراوەتەوە.
02:57
And I said, "Yes."
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و گوتم، "بەڵێ."
02:59
And she said, "Well, you don't have to do that again."
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گوتی، "پێویست
ناکات دووبارەی بکەیەوە."
03:01
And I said, "..."
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"..." ،و گوتم
03:04
And then she said, "But how does it happen when a man and woman are together?
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دواتر گوتی، "بەڵام چۆن ڕوودەدات
کاتێک هاوسەرەکان بەیەکەوەن؟
03:07
Like, how do they know that's the time?
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یانی، چۆن دەزانن کاتی ئەوەیە؟
03:09
Mom, does the man just say,
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دایکە، پیاوەکە دەڵێت،
03:11
'Is now the time to take off my pants?'"
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"ئێستا کاتی ئەوەیە پانتۆڵەکەم دابنێم؟"
03:13
(Laughter)
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(پێکەنین)
03:15
And I said, "Yes."
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وتم، "بەڵێ"
03:17
(Laughter)
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(پێکەنین)
03:19
"That is exactly right.
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ئەمە بەتەواوی ڕاستە."
03:22
That's exactly how it happens."
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ئەمە بە تەواوی ئەوەیە کە ڕوودەدات."
03:24
So we're driving home and she's looking out the window, and she goes,
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کە دەگەڕاینەوە لەپەنجەرەکە،
سەیری دەرەوەی دەکرد،
03:27
"Mom. What if two just people saw each other on the street,
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"دایکە. چی ئەگەر دوو کەس لەسەر شەقام،
03:29
like a man and a woman, they just started doing it. Would that ever happen?"
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وەک پیاو و ژنێک،
یەکسەر بیکەن. ئەمە دەشێت ڕووبدات؟
03:32
And I said, "Oh, no. Humans are so private.
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و گوتم، "ئۆو، نەخێر.
مرۆڤەکان زۆر تایبەتن.
03:35
Oh ..."
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ئۆو..."
03:37
And then she goes, "What if there was like a party,
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و دواتر گوتی، "چی ئەگەر ئاهەنگێک هەبێت،
03:39
and there was just like a whole bunch of girls and a whole bunch of boys,
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و پڕ بێت لە کوڕ و کچ،
03:41
and there was a bunch of men and women and they just started doing it, Mom?
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و پڕ لە ژن و پیاو و یەکسەر بیکەن، دایکە؟
03:44
Would that ever happen?"
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دەکرێت ئەمە هەرگیز ڕووبدات؟"
03:46
And I said, "Oh, no, no.
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و گوتم، "ئۆو، نا، نا.
03:49
That's not how we do it."
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ئەمە ئەوە نییە کە ئێمە دەیکەین."
03:52
Then we got home and we see the cat. And she goes,
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دواتر گەڕاینەوە و پشیلەکەمان بینی. گوتی،
03:54
"Mom, how do cats do it?"
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دایکە، پشیلەکان چۆن دەیکەن؟"
03:56
And I go, "Oh, it's the same. It's basically the same."
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و گوتم، "ئۆو ئەمە بەتەواوی هەمان شتە."
03:58
And then she got all caught up in the legs. "But how would the legs go, Mom?
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دواتر لە قاچەکان ڕاما.
بەڵام دایکە، چۆن؟"
04:00
I don't understand the legs."
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لە قاچەکان تێناگەم."
04:02
She goes, "Mom, everyone can't do the splits."
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دایکە، هەموو کەس"
ناتوانێ قاچ بکاتەوە."
04:04
And I go, "I know, but the legs ..."
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گوتم، "دەزانم، بەڵام قاچ..."
04:06
and I'm probably like, "The legs get worked out."
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منیش بەمشێوەیە، "قاچەکان بەمشێوەیە دەبن."
04:08
And she goes, "But I just can't understand it."
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"بەڵام تێناگەم."
04:09
So I go, "You know, why don't we go on the Internet,
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گوتم، "بۆ ئنتەرنێت بەکارنەهێنین،
04:11
and maybe we can see ... like on Wikipedia." (Laughter)
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لەوانەیە بزانین.. وەک لە ویکیپیدیا."
(پێکەنین)
04:15
So we go online, and we put in "cats mating."
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چووین، و سەیری "جووتبوونی پشیلەمان کرد."
04:17
And, unfortunately, on YouTube, there's many cats mating videos.
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بەداخەوە، لە یوتیوب،
ڤیدیۆی جووتبوونی پشیلە هەبوو.
04:20
And we watched them and I'm so thankful,
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سەیرمان کرد و زۆر سوپاسگوزارم،
04:22
because she's just like, "Wow! This is so amazing."
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تەنها گوتی، "واو! ئەمە سەرنج ڕاکێشە."
04:24
She goes, "What about dogs?"
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گوتی، "چی دەربارەی سەگەکان."
04:27
So we put in dogs mating, and,
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جووتبوونی سەگیشمان سەیرکرد،
04:29
you know, we're watching it, and she's totally absorbed.
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کە سەیرمان دەکرد، تەواو حەپەساو بوو.
04:31
And then she goes, "Mom,
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دواتر گوتی، "دایکە،
04:33
do you think they would have, on the Internet,
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پێتوایە، ئەوەش هەبێت،
04:36
any humans mating?"
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هەر جووتبوونێکی مرۆڤ؟"
04:39
(Laughter)
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(پێکەنین)
04:41
And then I realized that
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ئیجا بۆم دەرکەوت کە
04:43
I had taken my little eight year old's hand,
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خۆم دەستی منداڵە هەشت ساڵانەکەم گرت،
04:45
and taken her right into Internet porn. (Laughter)
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و بردم بۆ سایتە پۆڕنەکان.
(پێکەنین)
04:47
And I looked into this
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لەوەدا بۆم دەرکەوت
04:49
trusting, loving face,
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متمانە، ڕووخۆشی،
04:51
and I said,
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گوتم،
04:53
"Oh, no.
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ئۆو، "نا.
04:55
That would never happen."
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ئەمە هەرگیز ڕوونادات."
04:57
Thank you.
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سوپاس.
04:59
(Applause)
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(چەپڵەڕێزان)
05:01
Thank you.
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سوپاس.
05:03
(Applause)
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(چەپڵەڕێزان)
05:06
Thank you. I'm so happy to be here.
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سوپاس، زۆر دڵخۆشم کە لێرەم.
Translated by Koya University 1
Reviewed by Koya University

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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Julia Sweeney - Actor, comedian, playwright
Julia Sweeney creates comedic works that tackle deep issues: cancer, family, faith.

Why you should listen

Julia Sweeney is a writer, director, actress, comedian and monologist. She is known for being a cast member on Saturday Night Live from 1990 to 1995, where she created and popularized the androgynous character, Pat. She is also well known for her comedic and dramatic monologues. God Said Ha! is a monologue about serious illness, her brother's lymphoma and her own cancer, and her family's crazy reactions to this crisis as they soldiered their way through struggle, confusion and death. This play was performed all over the U.S. and on Broadway at the Lyceum Theater. It was made into a film produced by Quentin Tarantino, and the comedy album from the show was nominated for a Grammy.

Sweeney's second monologue, In the Family Way, played in theatrical runs in New York and Los Angeles. It was ultimately fashioned into a book, a memoir titled If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother. Sweeney's third monologue, Letting Go of God, chronicled her journey from Catholicism to atheism. It was made into a film that played on Showtime.

More profile about the speaker
Julia Sweeney | Speaker | TED.com