ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Julia Sweeney - Actor, comedian, playwright
Julia Sweeney creates comedic works that tackle deep issues: cancer, family, faith.

Why you should listen

Julia Sweeney is a writer, director, actress, comedian and monologist. She is known for being a cast member on Saturday Night Live from 1990 to 1995, where she created and popularized the androgynous character, Pat. She is also well known for her comedic and dramatic monologues. God Said Ha! is a monologue about serious illness, her brother's lymphoma and her own cancer, and her family's crazy reactions to this crisis as they soldiered their way through struggle, confusion and death. This play was performed all over the U.S. and on Broadway at the Lyceum Theater. It was made into a film produced by Quentin Tarantino, and the comedy album from the show was nominated for a Grammy.

Sweeney's second monologue, In the Family Way, played in theatrical runs in New York and Los Angeles. It was ultimately fashioned into a book, a memoir titled If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother. Sweeney's third monologue, Letting Go of God, chronicled her journey from Catholicism to atheism. It was made into a film that played on Showtime.

More profile about the speaker
Julia Sweeney | Speaker | TED.com
TED2010

Julia Sweeney: It's time for "The Talk"

Julia Sweeney tem "A Conversa"

Filmed:
3,719,405 views

Apesar de seus melhores esforços, a comediante Julia Sweeney é forçada a dizer uma pequena mentira inocente quando sua filha de 8 anos começa a aprender sobre a reprodução dos sapos -- e começa a fazer algumas perguntas bem inteligentes.
- Actor, comedian, playwright
Julia Sweeney creates comedic works that tackle deep issues: cancer, family, faith. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:15
I have a daughter, Mulan.
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Tenho uma filha, Mulan.
00:17
And when she was eight, last year,
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E quando ela tinha oito anos, no ano passado,
00:20
she was doing a report for school
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ela estava fazendo um trabalho para a escola,
00:22
or she had some homework about frogs.
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ou ela tinha uma lição de casa sobre sapos.
00:24
And we were at this restaurant,
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E nós estávamos num restaurante.
00:26
and she said, "So, basically,
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E ela disse, "Então, basicamente,
00:28
frogs lay eggs
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os sapos põem ovos
00:30
and the eggs turn into tadpoles,
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e os ovos se transformam em girinos,
00:32
and tadpoles turn into frogs."
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e girinos se transformam em sapos."
00:34
And I said, "Yeah. You know, I'm not really up on my frog reproduction that much.
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E eu disse, "Sim. Você sabe, eu não sei grande coisa sobre reprodução de sapos.
00:37
It's the females, I think, that lay the eggs,
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São as fêmeas, creio eu, que põem os ovos.
00:39
and then the males fertilize them.
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E então os machos os fertilizam.
00:41
And then they become tadpoles and frogs."
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E daí eles se transformam em girinos e sapos."
00:43
And she says, "What? Only the females have eggs?"
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E ela perguntou, "O quê? Só as fêmeas têm ovos?"
00:45
And I said, "Yeah."
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E eu respondi, "Sim."
00:47
And she goes, "And what's this fertilizing?"
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E ela continuou, "E o que é essa fertilização?"
00:49
So I kind of said, "Oh, it's this extra ingredient,
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E eu respondi algo como, "Ah, é um ingrediente extra,
00:51
you know, that you need
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você sabe, que é preciso
00:53
to create a new frog
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para criar um novo sapo
00:55
from the mom and dad frog." (Laughter)
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a partir da mamãe sapa e do papai sapo."
00:57
And she said, "Oh, so is that true for humans too?"
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E ela disse, "Ah, então isso é verdade para seres humanos também?"
01:00
And I thought, "Okay, here we go."
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E eu pensei, "Bem, aqui vamos nós."
01:03
I didn't know it would happen so quick, at eight.
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Eu não imaginava que isso aconteceria tão depressa, com oito anos.
01:05
I was trying to remember all the guidebooks,
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Eu estava tentando lembrar-me de todos aqueles manuais,
01:07
and all I could remember was,
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e tudo que consegui lembrar foi,
01:09
"Only answer the question they're asking.
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"Responda apenas a pergunta que eles estão fazendo.
01:11
Don't give any more information." (Laughter)
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Não dê informações a mais."
01:14
So I said, "Yes."
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Então eu disse, "Sim."
01:16
And she said, "And where do, um,
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E ela respondeu, " E onde é,
01:19
where do human women,
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onde as mulheres humanas,
01:21
like, where do women lay their eggs?"
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onde as mulheres humanas põem seus ovos?"
01:23
And I said, "Well,
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E eu disse, "Bem,
01:25
funny you should ask. (Laughter)
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engraçado que você pergunte isso.
01:28
We have evolved to have our own pond.
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Nós evoluímos a ponto de termos nosso próprio lago.
01:31
We have our very own pond inside our bodies.
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Nós temos nosso próprio lago dentro de nossos corpos.
01:34
And we lay our eggs there,
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E pomos nossos ovos lá.
01:36
we don't have to worry about other eggs or anything like that.
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Nós não precisamos nos preocupar com outros ovos ou algo parecido.
01:39
It's our own pond. And that's how it happens."
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É nosso próprio lago. É assim que acontece."
01:42
And she goes, "Then how do they get fertilized?"
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E ela continuou, "Então como eles são fertilizados?"
01:44
And I said, "Well,
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E eu respondi, "Bem,
01:46
Men, through their penis,
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Os homens, usando os pênis deles,
01:49
they fertilize the eggs by the sperm coming out.
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eles fertilizam os ovos com o esperma que sai.
01:52
And you go through the woman's vagina."
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Passando através da vagina da mulher."
01:55
And so we're just eating, and her jaw just drops,
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E então nós estávamos comendo, quando ela ficou de queixo caído,
01:57
and she goes, "Mom!
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e ela disse, "Mãe!
01:59
Like, where you go to the bathroom?"
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No lugar por onde a gente faz no banheiro?"
02:02
And I said, "I know.
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E eu disse, "Eu sei.
02:04
I know."
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Eu sei."
02:06
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
02:12
That's how we evolved. It does seem odd.
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É assim que nós evoluímos. Parece mesmo esquisito.
02:14
It is a little bit like having a waste treatment plant
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É meio parecido com uma estação de tratamento de esgoto
02:17
right next to an amusement park ...
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bem ao lado de um parque de diversões.
02:20
Bad zoning, but ..." (Laughter)
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Zoneamento mal feito. Mas...
02:22
She's like, "What?" And she goes, "But Mom,
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Ela faz uma cara de "O quê?" E continua, "Mas mãe,
02:25
but men and women can't ever see each other naked, Mom.
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mas os homens e as mulheres nem podem se ver nus, mãe.
02:28
So how could that ever happen?"
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Então como isso pode acontecer?"
02:30
And then I go, "Well," and then I put my Margaret Mead hat on.
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E então coloquei meu chapéu de Margaret Mead.
02:34
"Human males and females
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"Os machos e fêmeas da espécie humana
02:36
develop a special bond,
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desenvolvem uma ligação especial,
02:39
and when they're much older, much, much older than you,
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e quando eles são muito mais velhos, muito, muito mais velhos que você,
02:42
and they have a very special feeling,
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e eles têm um sentimento muito especial,
02:44
then they can be naked together."
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então eles podem ficar nus juntos."
02:46
And she said, "Mom,
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E ela disse, "Mãe,
02:48
have you done this before?"
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você já fez isso?"
02:50
And I said, "Yes."
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E eu respondi, "Sim."
02:53
And she said, "But Mom, you can't have kids."
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E ela disse, "Mas mamãe, você não pode ter filhos."
02:55
Because she knows that I adopted her and that I can't have kids.
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Porque ela sabe que eu a adotei e que não sou capaz de ter filhos.
02:57
And I said, "Yes."
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E eu respondi, "Sim."
02:59
And she said, "Well, you don't have to do that again."
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E ela falou, "Bem, você não precisa fazer isso novamente."
03:01
And I said, "..."
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E então eu disse, "..."
03:04
And then she said, "But how does it happen when a man and woman are together?
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E ela disse, "Mas como acontece quando um homem e uma mulher estão juntos?
03:07
Like, how do they know that's the time?
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Por exemplo, como eles sabem que é a hora certa?
03:09
Mom, does the man just say,
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Mãe, será que o homem simplesmente diz,
03:11
'Is now the time to take off my pants?'"
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'Será que está na hora de tirar minhas calças?' "
03:13
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
03:15
And I said, "Yes."
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E eu respondi, "Sim."
03:17
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
03:19
"That is exactly right.
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"É exatamente assim.
03:22
That's exactly how it happens."
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É exatamente assim que acontece."
03:24
So we're driving home and she's looking out the window, and she goes,
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E então, no carro, de volta para casa, ela estava olhando pela janela e disse,
03:27
"Mom. What if two just people saw each other on the street,
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"Mãe, e se duas pessoas simplesmente se encontrassem na rua,
03:29
like a man and a woman, they just started doing it. Would that ever happen?"
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um homem e uma mulher, e eles simplesmente começassem a fazer aquilo. Será que isso pode acontecer?"
03:32
And I said, "Oh, no. Humans are so private.
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E eu respondi, Oh, não. Os seres humanos são tão discretos.
03:35
Oh ..."
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Oh, não."
03:37
And then she goes, "What if there was like a party,
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E então ela continuou, "E se houvesse uma espécie de festa.
03:39
and there was just like a whole bunch of girls and a whole bunch of boys,
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E houvesse um monte de meninas e um monte de meninos.
03:41
and there was a bunch of men and women and they just started doing it, Mom?
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E se houvesse um monte de homens e um monte de mulheres e eles simplesmente começassem a fazer aquilo, mãe?
03:44
Would that ever happen?"
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Será que isso poderia acontecer?"
03:46
And I said, "Oh, no, no.
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E daí eu disse, "Oh, não, não.
03:49
That's not how we do it."
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Não é assim que nós fazemos isso."
03:52
Then we got home and we see the cat. And she goes,
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Então chegamos em casa e vimos o gato. E ela disse,
03:54
"Mom, how do cats do it?"
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"Mãe, como é que os gatos fazem ?"
03:56
And I go, "Oh, it's the same. It's basically the same."
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E eu digo, "Oh, é do mesmo jeito. É basicamente do mesmo jeito."
03:58
And then she got all caught up in the legs. "But how would the legs go, Mom?
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E ela ficou toda preocupada com as pernas. "Mas como eles fazem com as pernas, mãe.
04:00
I don't understand the legs."
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Eu não entendo as pernas."
04:02
She goes, "Mom, everyone can't do the splits."
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Ela continua, "Mamãe, nem todos conseguem fazer espacate."
04:04
And I go, "I know, but the legs ..."
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E eu digo, "Eu sei, mas as pernas..."
04:06
and I'm probably like, "The legs get worked out."
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Mais ou menos assim, "As pernas se ajeitam."
04:08
And she goes, "But I just can't understand it."
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E ela diz, "Mas eu não consigo entender isso."
04:09
So I go, "You know, why don't we go on the Internet,
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Então eu digo, "Sabe de uma coisa, porque não entramos na internet,
04:11
and maybe we can see ... like on Wikipedia." (Laughter)
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e quem sabe conseguimos ver..." quem sabe na Wikipedia.
04:15
So we go online, and we put in "cats mating."
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E assim entramos online, e digitamo "gatos acasalando".
04:17
And, unfortunately, on YouTube, there's many cats mating videos.
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E, infelizmente, no Youtube, há muitos vídeos de gatos acasalando.
04:20
And we watched them and I'm so thankful,
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E nós assistimos, e eu estava tão agradecida,
04:22
because she's just like, "Wow! This is so amazing."
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porque ela ficou assim, "Puxa! Isso é tão fantástico."
04:24
She goes, "What about dogs?"
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E ela continuou, "E os cachorros?"
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So we put in dogs mating, and,
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E então digitamos cachorros acasalando, e
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you know, we're watching it, and she's totally absorbed.
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sabem como é, nós estamos assistindo aquilo, e ela está completamente envolvida.
04:31
And then she goes, "Mom,
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E ela continuou, "Mãe,
04:33
do you think they would have, on the Internet,
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você acha que eles teriam na Internet,
04:36
any humans mating?"
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seres humanos acasalando?"
04:39
(Laughter)
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(Risos)
04:41
And then I realized that
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E então eu percebi que
04:43
I had taken my little eight year old's hand,
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Eu tinha tomado minha garotinha de oito anos pela mão,
04:45
and taken her right into Internet porn. (Laughter)
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e a tinha levado diretamente à pornografia na Internet.
04:47
And I looked into this
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E daí eu olhei para aquela
04:49
trusting, loving face,
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carinha confiante e amorosa,
04:51
and I said,
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e disse
04:53
"Oh, no.
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"Oh, não.
04:55
That would never happen."
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Isso não aconteceria de modo algum."
04:57
Thank you.
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Muito obrigada.
04:59
(Applause)
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(Aplausos)
05:01
Thank you.
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Muito obrigada.
05:03
(Applause)
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(Aplausos)
05:06
Thank you. I'm so happy to be here.
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Obrigada. Estou muito feliz por estar aqui.
Translated by Durval Castro
Reviewed by AUGUSTO BARRADAS

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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Julia Sweeney - Actor, comedian, playwright
Julia Sweeney creates comedic works that tackle deep issues: cancer, family, faith.

Why you should listen

Julia Sweeney is a writer, director, actress, comedian and monologist. She is known for being a cast member on Saturday Night Live from 1990 to 1995, where she created and popularized the androgynous character, Pat. She is also well known for her comedic and dramatic monologues. God Said Ha! is a monologue about serious illness, her brother's lymphoma and her own cancer, and her family's crazy reactions to this crisis as they soldiered their way through struggle, confusion and death. This play was performed all over the U.S. and on Broadway at the Lyceum Theater. It was made into a film produced by Quentin Tarantino, and the comedy album from the show was nominated for a Grammy.

Sweeney's second monologue, In the Family Way, played in theatrical runs in New York and Los Angeles. It was ultimately fashioned into a book, a memoir titled If It's Not One Thing, It's Your Mother. Sweeney's third monologue, Letting Go of God, chronicled her journey from Catholicism to atheism. It was made into a film that played on Showtime.

More profile about the speaker
Julia Sweeney | Speaker | TED.com