TEDWomen 2018
Lindy Lou Isonhood: A juror's reflections on the death penalty
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Lindy Lou Isonhood grew up in a town where the death penalty was a fact of life, part of the unspoken culture. But after she served as a juror in a capital murder trial -- and voted "yes" to sentencing a guilty man to death -- something inside her changed. In this engaging and personal talk, Isonhood reflects on the question she's been asking herself in the 25 years since the trial: Am I a murderer?
Lindy Lou Isonhood - Wife, mother, grandmother, friend
Lindy Lou Isonhood served as Juror No. 2 on a capital murder trial in 1994 -- an experience that changed her life. Full bio
Lindy Lou Isonhood served as Juror No. 2 on a capital murder trial in 1994 -- an experience that changed her life. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:13
It was a Thursday,
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June the 23rd, 1994.
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(Sighs)
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"Collect your belongings.
You are free to go.
You are free to go.
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When escorted outside,
go directly to your car.
go directly to your car.
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Do not talk to reporters."
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My head is spinning,
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my heart is racing,
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I can't get a breath.
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I just want out of there.
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When I get to my car,
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I throw everything on the back,
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and I just collapse
into the driver's seat.
into the driver's seat.
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"I can't do this.
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I can't go home to my family
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that I haven't seen in a week
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and pretend to be happy."
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Not even their love and support
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could help me at this particular time.
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We had just sentenced a man to death.
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Now what?
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Just go home and wash dishes?
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You see, in Mississippi,
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the death penalty is like a part
of our unspoken culture.
of our unspoken culture.
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The basic logic is, if you murder someone,
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then you're going to receive
the death penalty.
the death penalty.
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So when the jury selection
process took place,
process took place,
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they asked me,
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"Could you,
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if the evidence presented
justified the death penalty,
justified the death penalty,
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could you deliver,
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rationally and without reservations,
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a penalty of death?"
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My answer was an astounding "yes,"
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and I was selected as Juror Number 2.
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The trial started.
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From the evidence being presented
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and from the pictures of the victim,
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my first response was,
"Yes, this man is a monster,
"Yes, this man is a monster,
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and he deserves the death penalty."
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For days, I sat and looked at his hands,
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the ones that yielded the knife,
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and against his pasty white skin,
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his eyes ...
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Well, he spent endless days in his cell,
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no sunlight,
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so his eyes were as black
as his hair and his mustache.
as his hair and his mustache.
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He was very intimidating,
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and there was absolutely
no doubt in his guilt.
no doubt in his guilt.
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But regardless of his guilt,
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as the days passed,
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I began to see this monster
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as a human being.
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Something inside of me was changing
that I just didn't understand.
that I just didn't understand.
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I was beginning to question myself
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as to whether or not I wanted
to give this man the death penalty.
to give this man the death penalty.
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Jury deliberations began,
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and the judge gave us jury instructions
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and it was to be used as a tool
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in how to reach a verdict.
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Well, using this tool
only led to one decision,
only led to one decision,
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and that was the death penalty.
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I felt backed into a corner.
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My head and my heart
were in conflict with each other,
were in conflict with each other,
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and the thought of the death penalty
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made me sick.
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However, following
the judge's instructions,
the judge's instructions,
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being a law-abiding person,
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I gave up.
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I gave up and voted along
with the other 11 jurors.
with the other 11 jurors.
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And there it was:
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our broken judicial system at work.
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So here I am in my car,
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and I'm wondering:
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How is my life ever going to be the same?
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My life was kids, work,
church, ball games --
church, ball games --
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just your average, normal, everyday life.
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Now everything felt trivial.
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I was going down this rabbit hole.
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The anger, the anxiety,
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the guilt, the depression ...
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it just clung to me.
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I knew that my life had to resume,
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so I sought counseling.
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The counselor diagnosed me with PTSD
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and told me that the best way
to overcome the PTSD
to overcome the PTSD
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was to talk about the trauma.
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However, if I talked or tried
to talk about the trauma
to talk about the trauma
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outside her office,
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I was shut down.
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No one wanted to hear about it.
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He was just a murderer. Get over it.
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It was then that I decided
to become a silent survivor.
to become a silent survivor.
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06:06
Twelve years later, 2006,
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I learned that Bobby Wilcher
had dropped all of his appeals,
had dropped all of his appeals,
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and his execution date was approaching.
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That was like a punch in the stomach.
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All of those buried feelings
just started coming back.
just started coming back.
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To try and find peace,
I called Bobby's attorney, and I said,
I called Bobby's attorney, and I said,
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"Can I see Bobby before he's executed?"
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Driving to the penitentiary
on the day of his execution,
on the day of his execution,
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in my mind,
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Bobby was going to be manic.
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But, surprisingly, he was very calm.
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And for two hours, he and I sat there
and talked about life,
and talked about life,
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and I got to ask him to forgive me
for my hand in his death.
for my hand in his death.
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His words to me were:
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"You don't have to apologize.
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You didn't put me here.
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I did this myself.
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But if it'll make you feel better,
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I forgive you."
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On my way home,
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I stopped by a restaurant
and bought a margarita.
and bought a margarita.
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(Laughter)
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I don't think I could
get one big enough --
get one big enough --
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(Laughter)
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to try and calm down.
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My phone rang.
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It was Bobby's attorney.
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Within two minutes of his execution,
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they had given him a stay.
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This stay gave me time
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to reach out to Bobby.
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And as crazy as it may sound,
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we became friends.
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Three months later,
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he was executed
by the State of Mississippi.
by the State of Mississippi.
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I'm here to tell you my story,
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because it was precisely 22 years later
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that I even wanted to open up
enough to talk about it,
enough to talk about it,
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when a friend encouraged me.
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"Hey, perhaps you need to talk
to the other jurors.
to the other jurors.
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You've been through the same experience."
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Uncertain of what I was after,
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I did need to talk to them.
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So I set out on my quest,
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and I actually found most of them.
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The first juror I met
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thought that Bobby got what he deserved.
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Another juror --
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well, they just kind of regretted
that it took so long
that it took so long
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to carry the sentence out.
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Then one juror, and I don't know
what was wrong with him,
what was wrong with him,
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but he didn't remember
anything about the trial.
anything about the trial.
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(Laughter)
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Well,
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I'm thinking in my mind,
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"Jeez, is this the response
I'm gonna get from everybody else?"
I'm gonna get from everybody else?"
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Well, thank God for Allen.
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Allen was a gentle soul.
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And when I talked to him,
he was genuinely upset
he was genuinely upset
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about our decision.
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And he told me about the day
that the devastation
that the devastation
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really set in on him and hit him.
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He was listening to the radio,
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and the radio had a list of names
of men to be executed
of men to be executed
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at Parchman Penitentiary.
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He heard Bobby's name,
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and he then truly realized
what he had done.
what he had done.
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And he said, "You know, I had
a responsibility in that man's death."
a responsibility in that man's death."
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Now here it is, 20-something years later,
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and Allen is still dealing
with that issue.
with that issue.
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And he's never told anyone about it,
not even his wife.
not even his wife.
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He also told me
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that if the State of Mississippi
wanted to keep the death penalty,
wanted to keep the death penalty,
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then hey, they needed to provide
counseling for the jurors.
counseling for the jurors.
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Then the next juror I met was Jane.
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Jane is now totally
against the death penalty,
against the death penalty,
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And there was Bill.
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Bill said he had this
crushing depression for weeks,
crushing depression for weeks,
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and when he went back to work,
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his colleagues would say
things to him like,
things to him like,
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"Hey, did you fry him?"
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To them, it was just a joke.
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Then there was Jon.
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Jon said his decision weighed on him,
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and it burdened him daily.
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The final juror that I spoke to was Ken.
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Ken was the foreman of the jury.
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When we sat down to talk,
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it was apparent that he was deeply
saddened by what we were required to do.
saddened by what we were required to do.
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He relived the day
that he left the courthouse
that he left the courthouse
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and he drove home
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and he went to put his key
in his door and unlock it,
in his door and unlock it,
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and he said he literally broke down.
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He said he knew that Bobby was guilty,
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but the decision he made,
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he did not know
if it was the right decision.
if it was the right decision.
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And he said that he played it
over and over in his head.
over and over in his head.
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Did we do the right thing?
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Did we do the right thing?
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Did we do the right thing?
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(Sighs)
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All those years,
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and I finally realized that I was not
the only disillusioned juror.
the only disillusioned juror.
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And we talked about sharing our experience
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with potential jurors
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to give them some insight
into what to expect,
into what to expect,
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and to tell them do not be complacent;
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to know what you believe;
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to know where you stand and be prepared,
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because you don't want
to walk in one morning as a juror
to walk in one morning as a juror
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and leave at the end of the trial
feeling like a murderer.
feeling like a murderer.
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Now, through this storm in my life,
I did find some inspiration,
I did find some inspiration,
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and it came in the form
of my granddaughters.
of my granddaughters.
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My 14-year-old granddaughter, Maddie,
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was writing an essay
on the death penalty for school,
on the death penalty for school,
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and she was asking me questions.
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Well, it dawned on me
that this child was being raised
that this child was being raised
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in the same eye-for-an-eye culture
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as I was,
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or had been.
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And so I explained my experience
to her this way:
to her this way:
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that I had sentenced someone to death
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as I served on a jury.
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And I asked her,
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"Did that make me a murderer?"
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She couldn't answer.
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I knew then that this topic
needed to be open for discussion.
needed to be open for discussion.
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And guess what happened?
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I got invited to speak, just recently,
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in an abolitionist community.
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While I was there, I got a T-shirt.
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It says, "Stop Executions."
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Well, when I get home, my 16-year-old
granddaughter was there, Anna,
granddaughter was there, Anna,
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and she says, "Can I have that shirt?"
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Well, I looked at her dad --
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her dad is my son --
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and I knew that he is still dealing
with this death penalty issue.
with this death penalty issue.
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So I turned around
and I looked at her, and I said,
and I looked at her, and I said,
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"Are you gonna wear this?"
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So she turned and she looked
at her dad, and she said,
at her dad, and she said,
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"Dad, I know how you feel,
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but I don't believe in the death penalty."
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My son looked at me,
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shook his head, and said,
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"Thanks, Mom."
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And I knew it wasn't a nice "Thanks, Mom."
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(Laughter)
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So I learned that life
had taught me some lessons.
had taught me some lessons.
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It taught me, if I had
not served on that jury,
not served on that jury,
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that I would still be of the same mindset.
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It also gave me confidence
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to be able to see through
the eyes of my granddaughters,
the eyes of my granddaughters,
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that this younger generation,
they're capable and they're willing
they're capable and they're willing
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to tackle these difficult social issues.
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And because of my experience,
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my granddaughters,
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they're now more equipped
to stand on their own
to stand on their own
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and to think for themselves
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than to rely on cultural beliefs.
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So:
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being from a conservative,
Christian family
Christian family
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from a very conservative state
in the United States,
in the United States,
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I am here to tell you
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that the death penalty has new opponents.
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Thank you.
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(Applause)
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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Lindy Lou Isonhood - Wife, mother, grandmother, friendLindy Lou Isonhood served as Juror No. 2 on a capital murder trial in 1994 -- an experience that changed her life.
Why you should listen
As Lindy Lou Isonhood writes: "I was born in Yazoo City, Mississippi, in December 1951 and was raised by my grandmother, a widow with nine children. She was my salvation. From her nurturing I acquired my integrity, independence and strength. She impacted the lives of all around her. I was employed for over half my life: as a federal police officer in the 1970s, then I went on to be the first female letter carrier with the US Postal Service in Jackson for seven years, followed by 18 years in the MS Army National Guard. I ended my working career as an office manager after 13 years with an architectural firm.
"A strong Christian, I am married to a retired colonel who is a very staunch conservative, like me. I'm the mother of two children, a son and a daughter, and three grandchildren -- all girls! The hearts of my life! There is nothing extraordinary about me. I have never achieved fame or any outstanding records or recognition. Never received a college degree although I have many accumulated hours. But my life reached a turning point when I served as a juror in the sentencing phase of a capital murder trial in 1994. This experience changed me from the inside out."
Lindy Lou Isonhood | Speaker | TED.com