TEDWomen 2018
Nora McInerny: We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it
Nora Mclnerny: "Hatusongi mbele" kwenye maombolezo. Tunaendelea nayo mbele
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Readability: 3
3,856,087 views
Kwenye maongezi ambayo yanapishana kwa kusikitisha na kuchekesha, mwandishi na mwanapodikasti Nora Mclnerny anashirikisha busara yake iliyopatikana kwa shida kuhusu maisha na kifo. Mtazamo wake wa wazi kwenye kitu ambacho, kwa kweli, kitatuathiri wote, ambacho ni huru na ni kigumu. Kwa nguvu zaidi, anatusisitizia kubadili jinsi tunavyoona maombolezo. "Mtu anaeomboleza ataenda kucheka na kutabasamu tena," anasema. "Wataenda kusonga mbele. Lakini haimaanishi wameendelea mbele."
Nora McInerny - Author, podcast host
Nora McInerny makes a living talking to people about life's hardest moments. Full bio
Nora McInerny makes a living talking to people about life's hardest moments. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
So, 2014 was a big year for me.
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Mwaka 2014 ulikua ,mkubwa kwangu.
00:15
Do you ever have that,
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Ulishawahi kuwa na hio,
00:16
just like a big year, like a banner year?
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kama tu mwaka mkubwa, kama mwaka bango?
00:19
For me, it went like this:
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Kwangu, ulienda hivi:
00:20
October 3, I lost my second pregnancy.
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Oktoba 3, nilipoteza ujauzito wangu wa
pili.
pili.
00:23
And then October 8, my dad died of cancer.
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Halfu Oktoba 3, baba yangu alifariki kwa
saratani.
saratani.
00:27
And then on November 25,
my husband Aaron died
my husband Aaron died
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Halafu tena Novemba 25,
mme wangu Aaron alifariki
mme wangu Aaron alifariki
00:29
after three years
with stage-four glioblastoma,
with stage-four glioblastoma,
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baada ya miaka mitatu
ya hatua ya nne ya glioblastoma,
ya hatua ya nne ya glioblastoma,
00:32
which is just a fancy word
for brain cancer.
for brain cancer.
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ambalo ni neno la mbwembwe
la saratani ya ubongo.
la saratani ya ubongo.
00:36
So, I'm fun.
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Hivyo, nina vichekesho.
00:38
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
00:40
People love to invite me out all the time.
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Watu wanapenda kunialika sehemu kila mara.
00:43
Packed social life.
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Maingiano kibao.
00:45
Usually, when I talk
about this period of my life,
about this period of my life,
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Kawaida, ninapoongelea
hiki kipindi cha maisha yangu,
hiki kipindi cha maisha yangu,
00:48
the reaction I get is essentially:
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majibu ninayopata kimsingi ni:
00:51
(Sighs)
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(Mhemo)
00:53
"I can't -- I can't imagine."
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"Siwezi -- siwezi kufikiria."
00:57
But I do think you can.
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Lakini ninafikiri unaweza.
00:59
I think you can.
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Ninafikiri unaweza.
01:00
And I think that you should
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Na ninafikiri kua unatakiwa
01:02
because, someday,
it's going to happen to you.
it's going to happen to you.
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kwa sababu, siku moja,
itakutokea wewe.
itakutokea wewe.
01:04
Maybe not these specific losses
in this specific order or at this speed,
in this specific order or at this speed,
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Labda sio hizi hasara kabisa
kwenye namna hii maalum au kwa kazi hii,
kwenye namna hii maalum au kwa kazi hii,
01:09
but like I said, I'm very fun
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ila nimesema, nina vichekesho
01:10
and the research
that I have seen will stun you:
that I have seen will stun you:
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na utafiti nilioona
utakushangaza:
utakushangaza:
01:14
everyone you love has
a 100 percent chance of dying.
a 100 percent chance of dying.
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kila mtu unaempenda ana
nafasi asilimia 100 ya kufa.
nafasi asilimia 100 ya kufa.
01:18
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
01:20
And that's why you came to TED.
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Na ndio maana ukaja TED.
01:22
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
01:24
(Applause)
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(Makofi)
01:28
So, since all of this loss happened,
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Tangu hasara yote ilivyonitokea,
01:30
I've made it a career
to talk about death and loss,
to talk about death and loss,
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nimefanya kazi kuongelea kuhusu kifo na
hasara,
hasara,
01:34
not just my own,
because it's pretty easy to recap,
because it's pretty easy to recap,
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sio yangu tu,
kwa sababu ni rahisi kukumbuka,
kwa sababu ni rahisi kukumbuka,
01:36
but the losses and tragedies
that other people have experienced.
that other people have experienced.
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lakini hasara na mikasa
ambayo watu wengine wamepitia.
ambayo watu wengine wamepitia.
01:40
It's a niche, I have to say.
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Ni sehemu, naweza kusema.
01:43
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
01:45
It's a small niche,
and I wish I made more money, but ...
and I wish I made more money, but ...
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Ni sehemu ndogo, na natamani
ningekua na hela nyingi, lakini ...
ningekua na hela nyingi, lakini ...
01:48
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
01:49
I've written some very uplifting books,
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Nimeandika vitabu vya kuinua kweli,
01:52
host a very uplifting podcast,
I started a little nonprofit.
I started a little nonprofit.
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nikaendesha podikasti ya kuinua sana,
nikaanzaisha shirika lisilo la serikali.
nikaanzaisha shirika lisilo la serikali.
01:56
I'm just trying to do what I can
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Ninajaribu tu kufanya ninachoweza
01:57
to make more people comfortable
with the uncomfortable,
with the uncomfortable,
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kufanya watu wengi zaidi wafarijike
kwenye hali zilizo ngumu,
kwenye hali zilizo ngumu,
02:01
and grief is so uncomfortable.
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na majonzi ni magumu sana.
02:04
It's so uncomfortable,
especially if it's someone else's grief.
especially if it's someone else's grief.
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Ni magumu sana, haswa
kama ni majonzi ya mtu mwingine.
kama ni majonzi ya mtu mwingine.
02:09
So part of that work is this group
that I started with my friend Moe,
that I started with my friend Moe,
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Basi sehemu ya hio kazi ni hili kundi
nililoanzisha na rafiki yangu Moe,
nililoanzisha na rafiki yangu Moe,
02:13
who is also a widow;
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ambae pia ni mjane;
02:14
we call it the Hot Young Widows Club.
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tunaliita Chama cha Wajane Wadogo Wakali.
02:17
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
02:18
And it's real, we have membership cards
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Na ni ukweli, tuna kadi za uwanachama
02:21
and T-shirts.
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na tisheti.
02:23
And when your person dies,
your husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend,
your husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend,
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Na pale mtu wako akifariki,
mmeo, mke, mchumba,
mmeo, mke, mchumba,
02:26
literally don't care if you were married,
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hatujali kabisa kama ulikua kwenye ndoa,
02:28
your friends and your family
are just going to look around
are just going to look around
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marafiki zako na familia yako
watakua tu wanaangalia
watakua tu wanaangalia
02:31
through friends of friends
of friends of friends
of friends of friends
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kwa marafiki wa marafiki
wa marafiki wa marafiki
wa marafiki wa marafiki
02:34
until they find someone
who's gone through something similar,
who's gone through something similar,
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mpaka wapate mtu
ambae amepitia hali inayofanana,
ambae amepitia hali inayofanana,
02:37
and then they'll push you
towards each other
towards each other
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halafu watawasukuma
mje pamoja
mje pamoja
02:39
so you can talk amongst yourselves
and not get your sad on other people.
and not get your sad on other people.
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ili muongee miongoni mwenu na msiwe
na masikitiko kwa watu wengine.
na masikitiko kwa watu wengine.
02:43
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
02:45
So that's what we do.
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Basi ndicho tunachofanya.
02:47
It's just a series of small groups,
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Ni mfululizo tu wa makundi madogo,
02:50
where men, women, gay, straight,
married, partnered,
married, partnered,
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ambapo wanaume, wanawake, mashoga, wa
kawaida, wanandoa, wenye wenza,
kawaida, wanandoa, wenye wenza,
02:54
can talk about their dead person,
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wanaweza kuongelea kuhusu mtu wao
aliyekufa,
aliyekufa,
02:58
and say the things
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na kusema vile vitu
03:00
that the other people in their lives
aren't ready or willing to hear yet.
aren't ready or willing to hear yet.
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ambavyo mtu mwingine kwenye maisha yao
hayuko tayari kuvisikia bado.
hayuko tayari kuvisikia bado.
03:03
Huge range of conversations.
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Eneo kubwa la mazungumzo.
03:06
Like, "My husband died two weeks ago,
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Kama, "Mme wangu alikufa wiki mbili
zilizopita,
zilizopita,
03:08
I can't stop thinking
about sex, is that normal?"
about sex, is that normal?"
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siwezi kuacha kufikiria kuhusu
ngono, ni kawaida?"
ngono, ni kawaida?"
03:10
Yeah.
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Ndio.
03:11
"What if it's one
of the Property Brothers?"
of the Property Brothers?"
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"Je kama ni mmoja wa
Property Brothers?"
Property Brothers?"
03:13
Less normal, but I'll accept it.
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Kawaida kidogo, ila nitaikubali.
03:15
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
03:18
Things like, "Look, when I'm out in public
and I see old people holding hands,
and I see old people holding hands,
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Vitu kama, "Ona, nikiwa hadharani na
nikaona wazee wanashikana mikono,
nikaona wazee wanashikana mikono,
03:22
couples who have clearly
been together for decades,
been together for decades,
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wenzi ambao ni wazi wamekua
pamoja kwa miongo,
pamoja kwa miongo,
03:25
and then I look at them and I imagine
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halafu ninawaangalia na kuwaza
03:27
all of the things they've been
through together,
through together,
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vitu vyote ambavyo wamepitia
pamoja,
pamoja,
03:30
the good things, the bad things,
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vitu vizuri na vitu vibaya,
03:31
the arguments they've had
over who should take out the trash ...
over who should take out the trash ...
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ugomvi waliokuanao
kuhusu nani wa kutoa taka ...
kuhusu nani wa kutoa taka ...
03:34
I just find my heart filled with rage."
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nakuta tu moyo umejawa na hasira."
03:37
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
03:38
And that example is personal to me.
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Na huo mfano ni wa pekee kwangu.
03:42
Most of the conversations
that we have in the group
that we have in the group
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Mazungumzo mengi ambayo
tunakuwa nayo kwenye kundi
tunakuwa nayo kwenye kundi
03:45
can and will just stay amongst ourselves,
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yanaweza na yanakaa miongoni mwetu,
03:47
but there are things that we talk about
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lakini kuna vitu tunavyoviongelea
03:49
that the rest of the world --
the world that is grief-adjacent
the world that is grief-adjacent
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ambavyo duniani --
dunia ambayo iko karibu na majonzi
dunia ambayo iko karibu na majonzi
03:52
but not yet grief-stricken --
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ila bado haijapigwa na majonzi
03:53
could really benefit from hearing.
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inaweza kweli kunufaika kusikia.
03:55
And if you can't tell,
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Na kama huwezi kusema,
03:57
I'm only interested in / capable
of unscientific studies,
of unscientific studies,
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ninavutiwa/uwezo tu wa
masomo yabbsiyo ya kisayansi,
masomo yabbsiyo ya kisayansi,
04:01
so what I did was go to
The Hot Young Widows Club
The Hot Young Widows Club
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nilienda kwenye
Chama cha Wajane Wadogo Wakali
Chama cha Wajane Wadogo Wakali
04:03
and say, "Hello, friends, remember
when your person died?" They did.
when your person died?" They did.
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na kusema, "Habari, marafiki, unakumbuka
mtu wako alivyokufa?" Walikumbuka.
mtu wako alivyokufa?" Walikumbuka.
04:08
"Do you remember all the things
people said to you?"
people said to you?"
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"Unakumbuka vitu vyote watu
walikuambia?"
walikuambia?"
04:11
"Oh, yeah."
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"Ah, ndio."
04:12
"Which ones did you hate the most?"
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"Ni vipi ulivyovichukia zaidi?"
04:14
I got a lot of comments, lot of answers,
people say a lot of things,
people say a lot of things,
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Nilipata maoni mengi, majibu mengi,
watu wanasema vitu vingi,
watu wanasema vitu vingi,
04:17
but two rose to the top pretty quickly.
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lakini viwili vilisimama juu haraka sana.
04:20
"Moving on."
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"Kusonga mbele."
04:23
Now, since 2014,
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Sasa, tangu 2014,
04:26
I will tell you I have remarried
a very handsome man named Matthew,
a very handsome man named Matthew,
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nitakuambia nilifunga ndoa tena na
mwanaume mzuri kweli aitwae Matthew,
mwanaume mzuri kweli aitwae Matthew,
04:30
we have four children
in our blended family,
in our blended family,
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tuna watoto wanne
kwenye familia yetu iliyochanganyika,
kwenye familia yetu iliyochanganyika,
04:33
we live in the suburbs
of Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA.
of Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA.
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tuniashi kwenye viunga
vya Minneapolis, Minnesota, Marekani.
vya Minneapolis, Minnesota, Marekani.
04:36
We have a rescue dog.
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Tuna mbwa aliyeokolewa.
04:38
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
04:39
I drive a minivan,
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ninaendesha gari la familia,
04:41
like the kind where doors open
and I don't even touch them.
and I don't even touch them.
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kama la aina ambayo milango inafunguka
bila hata kuigusa.
bila hata kuigusa.
04:43
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
04:45
Like, by any "mezhure," life is good.
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Kama, "mezhure" yoyte, maisha ni mazuri.
04:48
I've also never said "mezhure,"
I've never once said it that way.
I've never once said it that way.
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Sijawahi pia kusema "mezhure,"
sijawahi hata mara moja kuisema hivyo.
sijawahi hata mara moja kuisema hivyo.
04:51
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
04:56
I don't know where that came from.
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Sijui hata imetokea wapi.
04:58
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
05:00
I've never heard
anyone else say it that way.
anyone else say it that way.
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Sijawahi kusikia mtu yeyote
akiisema hivyo.
akiisema hivyo.
05:02
It looks like it should be said that way,
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Inaonekana kama inapaswa kusemwa hivyo,
05:04
and that's why the English
language is trash, so ...
language is trash, so ...
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na ndio sababu lugha ya Kiingereza
ni mbovu, basi ...
ni mbovu, basi ...
05:07
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
05:08
So impressed with anyone
who, like, speaks it
who, like, speaks it
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Ninavutiwa sana na mtu
ambae anaiongea
ambae anaiongea
05:10
in addition to a language
that makes sense -- good job.
that makes sense -- good job.
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kuongezea kwenye lugha
inayoeleweka -- kazi nzuri.
inayoeleweka -- kazi nzuri.
05:13
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
05:15
But by any measure ...
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Lakini, kwa vyovote vile ...
05:16
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
05:18
By any measure, life is really,
really good, but I haven't "moved on."
really good, but I haven't "moved on."
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Kwa vyovyote vile, maisha ni mazuri
sana sana, lakini "sijasonga mbele."
sana sana, lakini "sijasonga mbele."
05:24
I haven't moved on,
and I hate that phrase so much,
and I hate that phrase so much,
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Sijasonga mbele,
na siupendi kabisa huo msemo,
na siupendi kabisa huo msemo,
05:27
and I understand why other people do.
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na ninaelewa kwanini wengine hawaupendi.
05:28
Because what it says
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Kwa sababu unachosema
05:30
is that Aaron's life and death
and love are just moments
and love are just moments
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ni kua maisha na kifo cha Aaron
na upendo ni wakati tu
na upendo ni wakati tu
05:34
that I can leave behind me --
and that I probably should.
and that I probably should.
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ambao nauweza kuuacha nyuma yangu --
na kua napaswa kufanya hivyo.
na kua napaswa kufanya hivyo.
05:38
And when I talk about Aaron,
I slip so easily into the present tense,
I slip so easily into the present tense,
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Na ninapoongelea kuhusu Aaron,
ninaingia kirahisi kwenye hali halisi,
ninaingia kirahisi kwenye hali halisi,
05:42
and I've always thought
that made we weird.
that made we weird.
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na nimewaza kweli kua hio inanifanya
wa ajabu.
wa ajabu.
05:45
And then I noticed that everybody does it.
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Halafu nikagundua kua kila mtu anafanya
hivyo.
hivyo.
05:48
And it's not because we are in denial
or because we're forgetful,
or because we're forgetful,
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Na sio kwa sababu tuna kana
au kwa sababu tunasahau,
au kwa sababu tunasahau,
05:52
it's because the people
we love, who we've lost,
we love, who we've lost,
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ni kwa sababu watu
tunaowapenda, tuliowapoteza,
tunaowapenda, tuliowapoteza,
05:55
are still so present for us.
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bado ni halisi kwetu sisi.
05:58
So, when I say, "Oh, Aaron is ..."
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Basi, ninaposema, "Oh, Aaron ni ..."
06:02
It's because Aaron still is.
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Ni kwa sababu Aaron bado yupo.
06:05
And it's not in the way
that he was before,
that he was before,
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Na sio kwa namna
alivyokua kabla.
alivyokua kabla.
06:07
which was much better,
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iliyokua bora zaidi,
06:09
and it's not in the way that churchy
people try to tell me that he would be.
people try to tell me that he would be.
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na sio namna ambayo watu wa kanisani
wanavyojaribu kuniambia anavyokua.
wanavyojaribu kuniambia anavyokua.
06:12
It's just that he's indelible,
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ni kua tu amezimika,
06:17
and so he is present for me.
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na hivyo yupo sasa kwangu.
06:20
Here,
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Hapa,
06:21
he's present for me in the work that I do,
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yupo hapa kwenye kazi ninayofanya,
06:24
in the child that we had together,
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kwenye mtoto tulionae pamoja,
06:26
in these three other children I'm raising,
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kwenye hawa watoto wengine watatu
ninaolea,
ninaolea,
06:28
who never met him,
who share none of his DNA,
who share none of his DNA,
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ambao hawajawahi kunuona,
ambao hawana DNA yake,
ambao hawana DNA yake,
06:31
but who are only in my life
because I had Aaron
because I had Aaron
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lakini wapo kwenye maisha yangu tu
kwa sababu nilikuwa na Aaron
kwa sababu nilikuwa na Aaron
06:35
and because I lost Aaron.
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na kwa sababu nilimpoteza Aaron.
06:38
He's present in my marriage to Matthew,
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Yupo nami kwenye ndoa yangu na Matthew,
06:40
because Aaron's life and love and death
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kwa sababu maisha na upendo na kifo cha
Aaron
Aaron
06:43
made me the person
that Matthew wanted to marry.
that Matthew wanted to marry.
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vimenifanya kua mtu ambae
Matthew angetaka kuoa.
Matthew angetaka kuoa.
06:46
So I've not moved on from Aaron,
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Hivyo sijasonga mbele kutoka kwa Aaron,
06:50
I've moved forward with him.
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nimesonga mbele na yeye.
06:56
(Applause)
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(Makofi)
07:02
We spread Aaron's ashes
in his favorite river in Minnesota,
in his favorite river in Minnesota,
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Tulisambaza majivu ya Aaron
kwenye mto aupendao huko Minnesota,
kwenye mto aupendao huko Minnesota,
07:07
and when the bag was empty --
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na pale begi lilipokua tupu --
07:09
because when you're cremated,
you fit into a plastic bag --
you fit into a plastic bag --
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kwa sababu ukiwa umechomwa,
unatoshea kwenye mfuko wa plastiki --
unatoshea kwenye mfuko wa plastiki --
07:13
there were still ashes
stuck to my fingers.
stuck to my fingers.
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kulikua na majibu bado
yamebaki kwenye vidole vyangu.
yamebaki kwenye vidole vyangu.
07:16
And I could have just put my hands
in the water and rinsed them,
in the water and rinsed them,
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Na ningeingiza tu mikono yangu kwenye
maji na kuisuuza,
maji na kuisuuza,
07:20
but instead, I licked my hands clean,
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lakini badala lake, nililamba mikono
yangu,
yangu,
07:23
because I was so afraid of losing more
than I had already lost,
than I had already lost,
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kwa sababu niliogopa kupoteza zaidi
ya nilichopoteza zaidi,
ya nilichopoteza zaidi,
07:27
and I was so desperate to make sure
that he would always be a part of me.
that he would always be a part of me.
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na nilitamani sana kuhakikisha kua
atakua ni sehemu yangu daima.
atakua ni sehemu yangu daima.
07:32
But of course he would be.
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Lakini bila shaka atakua.
07:34
Because when you watch your person
fill himself with poison for three years,
fill himself with poison for three years,
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Kwa sababu unapomuona mtu wako
akijijaza na sumu kwa miaka mitatu,
akijijaza na sumu kwa miaka mitatu,
07:39
just so he can stay alive
a little bit longer with you,
a little bit longer with you,
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ili tu aweze kuishi
zaidi kidogo na wewe,
zaidi kidogo na wewe,
07:42
that stays with you.
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hilo linakaa na wewe.
07:45
When you watch him fade from the healthy
person he was the night you met
person he was the night you met
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Unapomuangalia akififia kutoka kwenye
mtu mwenye afya siku mliokutana
mtu mwenye afya siku mliokutana
07:49
to nothing, that stays with you.
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kuwa sifuri, hiyo inakaa na wewe.
07:51
When you watch your son,
who isn't even two years old yet,
who isn't even two years old yet,
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Unapomuangalia mwanao,
amba hata bado hana miaka miwili,
amba hata bado hana miaka miwili,
07:54
walk up to his father's bed
on the last day of his life,
on the last day of his life,
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akienda kitandani kwa baba yake
siku ya mwisho ya maisha yake,
siku ya mwisho ya maisha yake,
07:57
like he knows what's coming
in a few hours,
in a few hours,
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kama vile anajua kinachofuata
masaa machache,
masaa machache,
07:59
and say, "I love you. All done. Bye, bye."
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na kusema, "Nakupenda. Nimemaliza.
Kwaheri."
Kwaheri."
08:05
That stays with you.
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1975
Hiyo inakaa na wewe.
08:09
Just like when you fall in love,
finally, like really fall in love
finally, like really fall in love
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4690
Kama tu unapopenda,
hatimae, unapopenda kweli
hatimae, unapopenda kweli
08:14
with someone who gets you and sees you
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mtu anaekuelewa na kukuona
08:16
and you even see, "Oh, my God,
I've been wrong this entire time.
I've been wrong this entire time.
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na unaona pia, "Mungu wangu,
nimekua nikikosea mda wote huu.
nimekua nikikosea mda wote huu.
08:19
Love is not a contest
or a reality show -- it's so quiet,
or a reality show -- it's so quiet,
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Upendo sio mashindano au
kipindi cha televisheni -- ni ukimya sana,
kipindi cha televisheni -- ni ukimya sana,
08:24
it's this invisible thread of calm
that connects the two of us
that connects the two of us
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ni huu uzi usioonekana wa utulivu
unatuunganisha wawili
unatuunganisha wawili
08:28
even when everything is chaos,
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1768
hata kama kila kitu kina vurugu,
08:29
when things are falling apart,
even when he's gone."
even when he's gone."
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vitu vinapoenda vibaya,
hata kama akiondoka."
hata kama akiondoka."
08:34
That stays with you.
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Hio inakaa na wewe.
08:38
We used to do this thing --
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Tulikua tunafanya hivi --
08:40
because my hands are always
freezing and he's so warm,
freezing and he's so warm,
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mikono yangu ilikua na
baridi na yeye ana joto,
baridi na yeye ana joto,
08:43
where I would take my ice-cold hands
and shove them up his shirt ...
and shove them up his shirt ...
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3412
nilichukua mikono yangu ya barafu
na kuisukuma ndani ya shati lake ...
na kuisukuma ndani ya shati lake ...
08:46
press them against his hot bod.
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2009
kuikandamiza kwenye mwili wake mkali.
08:48
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
08:51
And he hated it so much,
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2515
Na alikua hapendi kabisa,
08:53
(Laughter)
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521944
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(Kicheko)
08:54
but he loved me,
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1358
lakini alinipenda,
08:56
and after he died,
I laid in bed with Aaron
I laid in bed with Aaron
185
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na alivyokufa,
nililala kitandani na Aaron
nililala kitandani na Aaron
09:01
and I put my hands underneath him
186
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2404
na nikaweka mikono yangu chini yake
09:05
and I felt his warmth.
187
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2490
na nikahisi joto lake.
09:10
And I can't even tell you
if my hands were cold,
if my hands were cold,
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Na sikuweza hata kusema kama
mikono yangu ilikua na baridi,
mikono yangu ilikua na baridi,
09:13
but I can tell you
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lakini ninaweza kuwaambia
09:15
that I knew it was the last time
I would ever do that.
I would ever do that.
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kua nilijua ilikua mara ya mwisho
ningeweza kufanya hivyo.
ningeweza kufanya hivyo.
09:20
And that that memory
is always going to be sad.
is always going to be sad.
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Na hio kumbukumbu
itakua ya kusikitisha daima.
itakua ya kusikitisha daima.
09:23
That memory will always hurt.
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1933
Hio kumbukumbu itauma daima.
09:26
Even when I'm 600 years old
and I'm just a hologram.
and I'm just a hologram.
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2844
Hata kama nikiwa na miaka 600
na ni hologramu tu.
na ni hologramu tu.
09:28
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
09:32
Just like the memory of meeting him
is always going to make me laugh.
is always going to make me laugh.
195
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5693
Kama tu kumbukumbu ya kukutana nae
itanifanya nicheke daima.
itanifanya nicheke daima.
09:39
Grief doesn't happen in this vacuum,
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567860
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Maombolezo hayatokei kwenye huu
utupu,
utupu,
09:41
it happens alongside of and mixed in
with all of these other emotions.
with all of these other emotions.
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569678
6468
yanatokea pamoja na na ikichanganyika
na hisia zote hizi nyingine.
na hisia zote hizi nyingine.
09:50
So, I met Matthew, my current husband --
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4548
Hivyo, nikakutana na Matthew, mme wangu wa
sasa --
sasa --
09:54
who doesn't love that title,
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1872
ambae hapendi hicho cheo,
09:56
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
10:00
but it's so accurate.
201
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1476
lakini ni sawa kabisa.
10:02
(Laughter)
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(Kicheko)
10:05
I met Matthew, and ...
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2348
Nilikutana na Matthew, na ...
10:09
there was this audible sigh of relief
among the people who love me,
among the people who love me,
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3331
kulikua na hii pumzi ya wazi ya faraja
kati ya watu wanaonipenda,
kati ya watu wanaonipenda,
10:12
like, "It's over!
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2422
kama, "Imekwisha!
10:16
She did it.
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1150
Ameweza.
10:19
She got a happy ending,
we can all go home.
we can all go home.
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Amepata mwisho mzuri,
tunaweza kurudi nyumbani sasa.
tunaweza kurudi nyumbani sasa.
10:21
And we did good."
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2001
Na tumefanya vizuri."
10:23
And that narrative
is so appealing even to me,
is so appealing even to me,
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3023
Na hio hadithi inafaa hata
hata kwangu,
hata kwangu,
10:26
and I thought maybe
I had gotten that, too, but I didn't.
I had gotten that, too, but I didn't.
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na nikawaza labda nimeipata
hio pia, lakini haikua hivyo.
hio pia, lakini haikua hivyo.
10:30
I got another chapter.
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2538
Nilipata sura nyingine.
10:33
And it's such a good chapter --
I love you, honey --
I love you, honey --
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Na ni sura nzuri sana --
nakupenda, mpenzi --
nakupenda, mpenzi --
10:37
it's such a good chapter.
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1745
ni sura nzuri sana.
10:39
But especially at the beginning,
it was like an alternate universe,
it was like an alternate universe,
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3861
Tena haswahaswa mwanzoni,
ilikua kama ulimwengu mbadala,
ilikua kama ulimwengu mbadala,
10:43
or one of those old "choose your
own adventure" books from the '80s
own adventure" books from the '80s
215
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3158
au moja ya vile vitabu ya zamani vya
"chagua shani yako" vya miaka ya 80
"chagua shani yako" vya miaka ya 80
10:46
where there are two parallel plot lines.
216
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1928
ambapo kuna mistari miwili sambamba.
10:48
So I opened my heart to Matthew,
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Nikafungua moyo wangu kwa
Matthew,
Matthew,
10:50
and my brain was like,
"Would you like to think about Aaron?
"Would you like to think about Aaron?
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3764
na ubongo wangu ukawa,
"Ungependa kumfikiria Aaron?
"Ungependa kumfikiria Aaron?
10:54
Like, the past, the present, future,
just get in there," and I did.
just get in there," and I did.
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4000
Kama zamani, sasa, mbeleni,
ingia tu huko," na nilifanya hivyo.
ingia tu huko," na nilifanya hivyo.
10:59
And all of a sudden,
those two plots were unfurling at once,
those two plots were unfurling at once,
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Na ghafla,
hiyo mistari miwili ilifunguka kwa pamoja,
hiyo mistari miwili ilifunguka kwa pamoja,
11:02
and falling in love with Matthew
really helped me realize the enormity
really helped me realize the enormity
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na kupendana na Matthew kumenisaidia
sana kugundua ukubwa
sana kugundua ukubwa
11:05
of what I lost when Aaron died.
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2066
wa nilichopoteza Aaron alivyofariki.
11:09
And just as importantly,
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Na ilivyo muhimu,
11:10
it helped me realize
that my love for Aaron
that my love for Aaron
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3750
ilinisaidia kugundua kua upendo wangu
kwa Aaron
kwa Aaron
11:14
and my grief for Aaron,
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na maombolezo yangu kwa Aaron,
11:16
and my love for Matthew,
are not opposing forces.
are not opposing forces.
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4531
na upendo wangu kwa Matthew,
sio nguvu za kupishana.
sio nguvu za kupishana.
11:22
They are just strands to the same thread.
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Ni sehemu tu za uzi mmoja
11:26
They're the same stuff.
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Ni vitu sawa sawa.
11:30
I'm ... what would my parents say?
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Wazazi wangu wangesemaje?
11:33
I'm not special.
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1539
Mimi sio wa pekee.
11:35
(Laughter)
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1015
(Kicheko)
11:36
They had four kids,
they were like ... frankly.
they were like ... frankly.
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2536
Walikua na watoto wanne,
walikua kama ... wa kweli.
walikua kama ... wa kweli.
11:39
(Laughter)
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1785
(Kicheko)
11:41
But I'm not, I'm not special.
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1768
Lakini mimi sio, mimi sio wa pekee.
11:42
I know that, I'm fully aware
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2058
Ninajua hilo, ninajua vizuri
11:44
that all day, every day,
all around the world,
all around the world,
236
692927
2507
kua siku nzima, kila siku
duniani kote,
duniani kote,
11:47
terrible things are happening.
237
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1778
vitu vibaya vinatokea.
11:49
All the time.
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1151
Kila mara.
11:50
Like I said, fun person.
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1745
Kama nilivyosema, mtu mcheshi.
11:52
But terrible things are happening,
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Lakini vitu vibaya vinatokea,
11:54
people are experiencing deeply formative
and traumatic losses every day.
and traumatic losses every day.
241
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6394
watu wanapata hasara za kina na mbaya
kila siku.
kila siku.
12:01
And as part of my job,
242
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2588
Na kama sehemu ya kazi yangu,
12:03
this weird podcast that I have,
243
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1682
hii podikasti ya ajabu niliyonayo,
12:05
I sometimes talk to people
244
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1248
kuna mda ninaongea na watu
12:06
about the worst thing
that's ever happened to them.
that's ever happened to them.
245
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2984
kuhusu kitu kibaya
kilichowahi kuwatokea.
kilichowahi kuwatokea.
12:09
And sometimes, that's the loss
of someone they love,
of someone they love,
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717730
3031
Na saa nyingine, hio ni
kupotelewa na mpendwa,
kupotelewa na mpendwa,
12:12
sometimes days ago or weeks ago,
years ago, even decades ago.
years ago, even decades ago.
247
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4690
mara nyingine siku, wiki miaka
au miongo iliyopita.
au miongo iliyopita.
12:18
And these people that I interview,
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2530
Na hawa watu ninaowahoji,
12:20
they haven't closed themselves
around this loss
around this loss
249
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2308
hawajajifungia wenyewe
kwenye hii hasara
kwenye hii hasara
12:23
and made it the center of their lives.
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2350
na kuifanya sehemu kuu ya maisha yao.
12:25
They've lived, their worlds
have kept spinning.
have kept spinning.
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4301
Wameishi, dunia zao
zimeendelea kuzunguka.
zimeendelea kuzunguka.
12:31
But they're talking to me,
a total stranger,
a total stranger,
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3142
Lakini wanaongea na mimi,
mgeni kabisa,
mgeni kabisa,
12:34
about the person they love who has died,
253
742644
1935
kuhusu mtu wanaempenda aliyekufa,
12:36
because these are the experiences
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3140
kwa sababu hivi ndivyo vitu tunavyopitia
12:39
that mark us and make us
just as much as the joyful ones.
just as much as the joyful ones.
255
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5087
vinavyotuonyesha na kutufanya
kama tu wale wenye furaha.
kama tu wale wenye furaha.
12:45
And just as permanently.
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1857
Na kama ilivyo ya kudumu.
12:48
Long after you get your last sympathy card
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2571
Baadae baada ya kupata kadi yako
ya mwisho ya huruma
ya mwisho ya huruma
12:51
or your last hot dish.
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1467
au pishi la moto la mwisho.
12:53
Like, we don't look
at the people around us
at the people around us
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2031
Kama, hatuangalii watu
wanaotuzunguka
wanaotuzunguka
12:55
experiencing life's joys and wonders
and tell them to "move on," do we?
and tell them to "move on," do we?
260
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4499
wakipitia furaha na maajabu ya maisha
na kuwaambia "wasonge mbele", ndio?
na kuwaambia "wasonge mbele", ndio?
13:00
We don't send a card that's like,
"Congratulations on your beautiful baby,"
"Congratulations on your beautiful baby,"
261
768124
3556
Hatutumi kadi ambazo zinasema
"Hongera kwa mtoto mzuri,"
"Hongera kwa mtoto mzuri,"
13:03
and then, five years later, think like,
"Another birthday party? Get over it."
"Another birthday party? Get over it."
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771704
3691
halafu, miaka mitano baadae, tunawaza,
"Sherehe nyingine ya kuzaliwa? Acha hizo."
"Sherehe nyingine ya kuzaliwa? Acha hizo."
13:07
(Laughter)
263
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1666
(Kicheko)
13:09
Yeah, we get it, he's five.
264
777109
1659
Ndio, tunaelewa, ana miaka mitano.
13:10
(Laughter)
265
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1428
(Kicheko)
13:12
Wow.
266
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1174
Wow.
13:13
(Laughter)
267
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1150
(Kicheko)
13:16
But grief is kind of one of those things,
268
784148
2016
Lakini maombolezo ni moja ya vile vitu,
13:18
like, falling in love or having a baby
or watching "The Wire" on HBO,
or watching "The Wire" on HBO,
269
786188
3779
kama kupenda au kuwa na mtoto
au kuangalia "The Wire" kwenye HBO,
au kuangalia "The Wire" kwenye HBO,
13:21
where you don't get it
until you get it, until you do it.
until you get it, until you do it.
270
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4082
ambapo hauelewi
mpaka upate, mpaka ufanye.
mpaka upate, mpaka ufanye.
13:27
And once you do it,
once it's your love or your baby,
once it's your love or your baby,
271
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5303
Na punde unavyofanya,
punde ni mpenzi wako au mtoto wako,
punde ni mpenzi wako au mtoto wako,
13:32
once it's your grief
and your front row at the funeral,
and your front row at the funeral,
272
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5190
punde ni maombolezo yako
na uko mstari wa mbele kwenye msiba,
na uko mstari wa mbele kwenye msiba,
13:37
you get it.
273
805760
1150
unaelewa.
13:39
You understand what you're experiencing
is not a moment in time,
is not a moment in time,
274
807315
4136
Unaelewa unachopitia sio
sehemu ya mda,
sehemu ya mda,
13:43
it's not a bone that will reset,
275
811475
1942
sio mfupa kua utajirudi,
13:45
but that you've been touched
by something chronic.
by something chronic.
276
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2866
lakini kua umeguswa na kitu kikali.
13:48
Something incurable.
277
816919
1198
Kitu kisichotibika.
13:50
It's not fatal, but sometimes
grief feels like it could be.
grief feels like it could be.
278
818141
2856
Hakiui, lakini saa nyingine
yanakua kama yanaweza.
yanakua kama yanaweza.
13:55
And if we can't prevent it in one another,
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Na kama hatuwezi kuzuia miongoni mwetu,
13:58
what can we do?
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nini tunaweza kufanya?
14:02
What can we do other than try
to remind one another
to remind one another
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Nini tunaweza kufanya zaidi ya
kukumbushiana
kukumbushiana
14:06
that some things can't be fixed,
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kua vitu vingine havirekebishiki,
14:10
and not all wounds are meant to heal?
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na sio kila kidonda kinapaswa kupona.
14:14
We need each other to remember,
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Tunahitajiana kukumbuka,
14:17
to help each other remember,
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kusaidiana kukumbuka,
14:19
that grief is this multitasking emotion.
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kua maombolezo ni hisia ya mambo mengi.
14:22
That you can and will be sad, and happy;
you'll be grieving, and able to love
you'll be grieving, and able to love
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Kua unaweza na utakua na huzuni, na
furaha; utaomboleza na kupenda
furaha; utaomboleza na kupenda
14:28
in the same year or week, the same breath.
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kwenye mwaka au wiki au pumzi hio hio.
14:32
We need to remember that a grieving person
is going to laugh again and smile again.
is going to laugh again and smile again.
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Tunahitaji kukumbuka kua mtu anaeomboleza
ataenda kucheka na kutabasamu tena.
ataenda kucheka na kutabasamu tena.
14:39
If they're lucky,
they'll even find love again.
they'll even find love again.
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Wakibahatika,
wanaweza hata kupenda tena.
wanaweza hata kupenda tena.
14:43
But yes, absolutely,
they're going to move forward.
they're going to move forward.
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Lakini ndio, hakika
wataenda kusonga mbele.
wataenda kusonga mbele.
14:48
But that doesn't mean
that they've moved on.
that they've moved on.
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Lakini hiyo haimaanishi kua
wameendelea mbele.
wameendelea mbele.
14:52
Thank you.
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Asanteni.
14:53
(Applause)
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(Makofi)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Nora McInerny - Author, podcast hostNora McInerny makes a living talking to people about life's hardest moments.
Why you should listen
Nora McInerny speaks from experience and empathy, having lost her second baby, her father and her husband over the course of six weeks at age 31. She is the best-selling author of the memoir It’s Okay To Laugh, Crying Is Cool Too, the host of the award-winning podcast "Terrible, Thanks for Asking" and the founder of the nonprofit Still Kickin. She contributes words to Elle, Cosmopolitan, Buzzfeed, Time, Slate and Vox, where she's often tapped for her essays highlighting the emotional landscape and humor in complex topics, like the financial impacts of healthcare and grief in a digital age.
McInerny is a master storyteller known for her dedication to bringing heart and levity to the difficult and uncomfortable conversations most of us try to avoid, and also for being very tall. She was voted "Most Humorous" by the Annunciation Catholic School Class of 1998.
Nora McInerny | Speaker | TED.com