TEDWomen 2018
Nora McInerny: We don't "move on" from grief. We move forward with it
Nora Makinerni (Nora McInerny): Mi ne ostavljamo tugu iza sebe, već nastavljamo život sa njom
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3,856,087 views
U govoru koji je ujedno i srceparajući i urnebesan, spisateljica i podkasterka Nora Makinerni deli svoju teško stečenu mudrost o životu i smrti. Njen iskreni pristup onome sa čim ćemo se, budimo realni, svi suočiti, je koliko oslobađajući, toliko i potresan. Ona nas najsnažnije ohrabruje da promenimo način na koji pristupamo tuzi. „Osoba koja tuguje će se ponovo smejati i osmehivati,“ kaže ona. „Nastaviće dalje sa svojim životom. Ali to ne znači da je ostavila tugu iza sebe.“
Nora McInerny - Author, podcast host
Nora McInerny makes a living talking to people about life's hardest moments. Full bio
Nora McInerny makes a living talking to people about life's hardest moments. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
So, 2014 was a big year for me.
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Godina 2014. je bila važna za mene.
00:15
Do you ever have that,
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Da li ste ikada imali tu
00:16
just like a big year, like a banner year?
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veliku, važnu godinu?
00:19
For me, it went like this:
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U mom slučaju, bilo je ovako:
00:20
October 3, I lost my second pregnancy.
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Trećeg oktobra sam izgubila drugu bebu.
00:23
And then October 8, my dad died of cancer.
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Onda mi je 8. oktobra tata umro od raka.
00:27
And then on November 25,
my husband Aaron died
my husband Aaron died
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A onda je 25. novembra umro moj muž Aron
00:29
after three years
with stage-four glioblastoma,
with stage-four glioblastoma,
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nakon tri godine borbe
sa glioblastomom u 4. stadijumu,
sa glioblastomom u 4. stadijumu,
00:32
which is just a fancy word
for brain cancer.
for brain cancer.
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što je samo fensi reč za tumor mozga.
00:36
So, I'm fun.
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Dakle, baš sam zabavna.
00:38
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
00:40
People love to invite me out all the time.
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Ljudi stalno vole da me zovu da izađemo.
00:43
Packed social life.
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Društveni život prebukiran.
00:45
Usually, when I talk
about this period of my life,
about this period of my life,
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Uglavnom, kada pričam
o ovom periodu svog života,
o ovom periodu svog života,
00:48
the reaction I get is essentially:
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reakcija koju dobijem je u suštini:
00:51
(Sighs)
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(Uzdah)
00:53
"I can't -- I can't imagine."
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„Ne mogu - ne mogu da zamislim."
00:57
But I do think you can.
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Ali mislim da možete.
00:59
I think you can.
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Mislim da možete.
01:00
And I think that you should
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I mislim da treba
01:02
because, someday,
it's going to happen to you.
it's going to happen to you.
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jer, jednog dana, i vama će se to desiti.
01:04
Maybe not these specific losses
in this specific order or at this speed,
in this specific order or at this speed,
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Možda ne baš ovi gubici
ovim redom i ovom brzinom,
ovim redom i ovom brzinom,
ali kao što rekoh, ja sam zabavna
01:09
but like I said, I'm very fun
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01:10
and the research
that I have seen will stun you:
that I have seen will stun you:
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i istraživanje koje sam videla
će vas zapanjiti:
će vas zapanjiti:
01:14
everyone you love has
a 100 percent chance of dying.
a 100 percent chance of dying.
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svi koje volite imaju 100% šanse da umru.
01:18
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
01:20
And that's why you came to TED.
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I zato ste došli na TED.
01:22
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
01:24
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
01:28
So, since all of this loss happened,
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Pošto sam doživela sve ove gubitke,
01:30
I've made it a career
to talk about death and loss,
to talk about death and loss,
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ostvarila sam karijeru
pričanja o smrti i gubitku,
pričanja o smrti i gubitku,
ne samo o sopstvenim,
jer ih je prilično lako rezimirati,
jer ih je prilično lako rezimirati,
01:34
not just my own,
because it's pretty easy to recap,
because it's pretty easy to recap,
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01:36
but the losses and tragedies
that other people have experienced.
that other people have experienced.
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već i gubicima i tragedijama
koje su drugi ljudi iskusili.
koje su drugi ljudi iskusili.
01:40
It's a niche, I have to say.
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Moram da kažem da je to branša.
01:43
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
01:45
It's a small niche,
and I wish I made more money, but ...
and I wish I made more money, but ...
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Uska branša, i volela bih
da više zarađujem, ali...
da više zarađujem, ali...
01:48
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
01:49
I've written some very uplifting books,
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Napisala sam neke
vrlo stimulativne knjige,
vrlo stimulativne knjige,
vodim vrlo stimulativni podkast,
osnovala malu neprofitnu organizaciju.
osnovala malu neprofitnu organizaciju.
01:52
host a very uplifting podcast,
I started a little nonprofit.
I started a little nonprofit.
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01:56
I'm just trying to do what I can
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Pokušavam da uradim sve što mogu
01:57
to make more people comfortable
with the uncomfortable,
with the uncomfortable,
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da se pobrinem da je ljudima prijatno
u neprijatnoj situaciji,
u neprijatnoj situaciji,
02:01
and grief is so uncomfortable.
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a tuga zbog nečije smrti
je jako neprijatna.
je jako neprijatna.
02:04
It's so uncomfortable,
especially if it's someone else's grief.
especially if it's someone else's grief.
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Jako je neprijatna,
pogotovo ako je tuđa tuga.
pogotovo ako je tuđa tuga.
02:09
So part of that work is this group
that I started with my friend Moe,
that I started with my friend Moe,
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Deo tog posla je jedna grupa
koju sam osnovala sa prijateljicom Mo,
koju sam osnovala sa prijateljicom Mo,
02:13
who is also a widow;
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koja je takođe udovica;
02:14
we call it the Hot Young Widows Club.
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zovemo je Klub zgodnih mladih udovica.
02:17
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
02:18
And it's real, we have membership cards
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To je pravi klub, imamo članske karte
02:21
and T-shirts.
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i majice.
02:23
And when your person dies,
your husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend,
your husband, wife, girlfriend, boyfriend,
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Kada vam neko umre,
muž, žena, devojka, dečko,
muž, žena, devojka, dečko,
bukvalno nije važno jeste li bili u braku,
02:26
literally don't care if you were married,
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02:28
your friends and your family
are just going to look around
are just going to look around
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prijatelji i porodica će tražiti
među prijateljima prijateljevih prijatelja
02:31
through friends of friends
of friends of friends
of friends of friends
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dok ne nađu nekog ko je prošao
kroz nešto slično,
kroz nešto slično,
02:34
until they find someone
who's gone through something similar,
who's gone through something similar,
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i onda vas gurnu jedno drugom
02:37
and then they'll push you
towards each other
towards each other
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02:39
so you can talk amongst yourselves
and not get your sad on other people.
and not get your sad on other people.
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kako biste mogli da popričate
i ne prenosite vašu tugu na druge.
i ne prenosite vašu tugu na druge.
02:43
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
02:45
So that's what we do.
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To mi radimo.
02:47
It's just a series of small groups,
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Imamo niz malih grupa
02:50
where men, women, gay, straight,
married, partnered,
married, partnered,
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u kojima muškarci, žene, oni koji su gej,
strejt, u braku ili sa partnerom
strejt, u braku ili sa partnerom
02:54
can talk about their dead person,
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mogu pričati o osobi koja je umrla
02:58
and say the things
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i reći stvari
03:00
that the other people in their lives
aren't ready or willing to hear yet.
aren't ready or willing to hear yet.
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koje drugi ljudi u njihovom životu
još uvek nisu spremni ili voljni da čuju.
još uvek nisu spremni ili voljni da čuju.
03:03
Huge range of conversations.
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Razgovori su raznovrsni.
Na primer: „Muž mi je umro
pre dve nedelje,
pre dve nedelje,
03:06
Like, "My husband died two weeks ago,
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a ne prestajem da mislim o seksu,
je li to normalno?“
je li to normalno?“
03:08
I can't stop thinking
about sex, is that normal?"
about sex, is that normal?"
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Da.
03:10
Yeah.
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„Šta ako je u pitanju jedan brat
iz emisije Property Brothers?“
iz emisije Property Brothers?“
03:11
"What if it's one
of the Property Brothers?"
of the Property Brothers?"
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03:13
Less normal, but I'll accept it.
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Manje normalno, ali prihvatam.
03:15
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
03:18
Things like, "Look, when I'm out in public
and I see old people holding hands,
and I see old people holding hands,
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Ili stvari kao: „Kada sam u javnosti
i vidim starce kako se drže za ruke,
i vidim starce kako se drže za ruke,
03:22
couples who have clearly
been together for decades,
been together for decades,
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parove koji su očigledno
zajedno decenijama,
zajedno decenijama,
03:25
and then I look at them and I imagine
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kada ih vidim i zamislim
03:27
all of the things they've been
through together,
through together,
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sve stvari koje su zajedno prošli,
one dobre i one loše,
03:30
the good things, the bad things,
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svađe oko toga ko će izneti smeće...
03:31
the arguments they've had
over who should take out the trash ...
over who should take out the trash ...
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srce mi se prosto ispuni besom.“
03:34
I just find my heart filled with rage."
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03:37
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
03:38
And that example is personal to me.
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Pronalazim se u ovom primeru.
03:42
Most of the conversations
that we have in the group
that we have in the group
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Većina razgovora koje vodimo u grupi
03:45
can and will just stay amongst ourselves,
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mogu i ostaće među nama,
03:47
but there are things that we talk about
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ali ima stvari o kojima pričamo
03:49
that the rest of the world --
the world that is grief-adjacent
the world that is grief-adjacent
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od kojih ostatak sveta -
sveta kojem je tuga bliska
sveta kojem je tuga bliska
03:52
but not yet grief-stricken --
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a koji još nije pogođen tugom -
03:53
could really benefit from hearing.
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može da ima koristi.
03:55
And if you can't tell,
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A ako niste shvatili,
03:57
I'm only interested in / capable
of unscientific studies,
of unscientific studies,
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zanimaju me, tj. sposobna sam
samo za nenaučna istraživanja,
samo za nenaučna istraživanja,
04:01
so what I did was go to
The Hot Young Widows Club
The Hot Young Widows Club
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pa sam otišla u Klub
zgodnih mladih udovica
zgodnih mladih udovica
i rekla: „Zdravo, prijatelji, sećate se
kada vam je neko umro?“ Sećali su se.
kada vam je neko umro?“ Sećali su se.
04:03
and say, "Hello, friends, remember
when your person died?" They did.
when your person died?" They did.
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04:08
"Do you remember all the things
people said to you?"
people said to you?"
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„Sećate se svih stvari
koje su vam ljudi rekli?“
koje su vam ljudi rekli?“
„O, da.“
04:11
"Oh, yeah."
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„Koje ste najviše mrzeli?“
04:12
"Which ones did you hate the most?"
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Dobila sam mnogo komentara
i odgovora, ljudi kažu mnogo toga,
i odgovora, ljudi kažu mnogo toga,
04:14
I got a lot of comments, lot of answers,
people say a lot of things,
people say a lot of things,
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ali dva odgovora su se brzo istakla.
04:17
but two rose to the top pretty quickly.
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04:20
"Moving on."
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„Nastaviti sa životom.“
04:23
Now, since 2014,
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Od 2014. godine,
04:26
I will tell you I have remarried
a very handsome man named Matthew,
a very handsome man named Matthew,
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reći ću vam da sam se ponovo udala
za vrlo zgodnog muškarca Metjua,
za vrlo zgodnog muškarca Metjua,
04:30
we have four children
in our blended family,
in our blended family,
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i imamo četvoro dece
u našoj spojenoj porodici,
u našoj spojenoj porodici,
04:33
we live in the suburbs
of Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA.
of Minneapolis, Minnesota, USA.
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živimo u predgrađu Mineapolisa,
u Minesoti, u SAD-u.
u Minesoti, u SAD-u.
04:36
We have a rescue dog.
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Udomili smo psa.
04:38
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
04:39
I drive a minivan,
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Vozim mini kombi,
04:41
like the kind where doors open
and I don't even touch them.
and I don't even touch them.
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onaj kojem se otvaraju vrata bez dodira.
04:43
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
04:45
Like, by any "mezhure," life is good.
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Dakle, po svim merilima
(mezhure), život je dobar.
(mezhure), život je dobar.
Takođe, nikad nisam
tako rekla „merilima“ (mezhure).
tako rekla „merilima“ (mezhure).
04:48
I've also never said "mezhure,"
I've never once said it that way.
I've never once said it that way.
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Nikad nisam to tako rekla.
04:51
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
04:56
I don't know where that came from.
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Ne znam odakle mi to.
04:58
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
05:00
I've never heard
anyone else say it that way.
anyone else say it that way.
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Nikad nisam čula da neko to tako kaže.
Izgleda kao da bi trebalo tako da se kaže,
05:02
It looks like it should be said that way,
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05:04
and that's why the English
language is trash, so ...
language is trash, so ...
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i zato je engleski jezik glupost...
05:07
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
05:08
So impressed with anyone
who, like, speaks it
who, like, speaks it
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Impresionirana sam bilo kim ko ga govori
pored jezika koji ima smisla - odlično.
05:10
in addition to a language
that makes sense -- good job.
that makes sense -- good job.
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05:13
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
05:15
But by any measure ...
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No, po svim merilima (measure)...
05:16
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
05:18
By any measure, life is really,
really good, but I haven't "moved on."
really good, but I haven't "moved on."
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Po svim merilima, život je stvarno,
stvarno dobar, ali ja nisam zaboravila.
stvarno dobar, ali ja nisam zaboravila.
05:24
I haven't moved on,
and I hate that phrase so much,
and I hate that phrase so much,
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Nisam ostavila tugu iza sebe,
i toliko mrzim taj izraz,
i toliko mrzim taj izraz,
05:27
and I understand why other people do.
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i razumem zašto ga ljudi mrze.
05:28
Because what it says
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Jer u skladu s njim,
05:30
is that Aaron's life and death
and love are just moments
and love are just moments
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Aronov život, smrt i ljubav
su samo trenuci
su samo trenuci
05:34
that I can leave behind me --
and that I probably should.
and that I probably should.
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koje mogu ostaviti iza sebe -
i to bi i trebalo da uradim.
i to bi i trebalo da uradim.
05:38
And when I talk about Aaron,
I slip so easily into the present tense,
I slip so easily into the present tense,
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Kada pričam o Aronu,
lako pređem na sadašnje vreme,
lako pređem na sadašnje vreme,
05:42
and I've always thought
that made we weird.
that made we weird.
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i uvek sam mislila da je to čudno.
05:45
And then I noticed that everybody does it.
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A onda sam primetila da svi to rade.
05:48
And it's not because we are in denial
or because we're forgetful,
or because we're forgetful,
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I to nije zato što poričemo realnost
ili zato što smo zaboravni,
ili zato što smo zaboravni,
05:52
it's because the people
we love, who we've lost,
we love, who we've lost,
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već zato što su ljudi koje volimo,
koje smo izgubili,
koje smo izgubili,
05:55
are still so present for us.
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i dalje tu za nas.
05:58
So, when I say, "Oh, Aaron is ..."
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E pa, kada kažem: „O, Aron je...“
06:02
It's because Aaron still is.
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To je zato što i dalje jeste.
06:05
And it's not in the way
that he was before,
that he was before,
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Ne kao što je bio pre,
što je bilo mnogo bolje,
06:07
which was much better,
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i ne onako kako vernici
pokušavaju da mi objasne.
pokušavaju da mi objasne.
06:09
and it's not in the way that churchy
people try to tell me that he would be.
people try to tell me that he would be.
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06:12
It's just that he's indelible,
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On je prosto neizbrisiv,
06:17
and so he is present for me.
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tako da je za mene prisutan.
06:20
Here,
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Ovde,
06:21
he's present for me in the work that I do,
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prisutan je u poslu koji se bavim,
06:24
in the child that we had together,
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u detetu koje smo imali zajedno,
06:26
in these three other children I'm raising,
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u ovo troje dece koje odgajam,
06:28
who never met him,
who share none of his DNA,
who share none of his DNA,
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koja ga nikada nisu upoznala,
koja nemaju njegov DNK,
koja nemaju njegov DNK,
06:31
but who are only in my life
because I had Aaron
because I had Aaron
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ali su u mom životu
samo zato što sam imala Arona
samo zato što sam imala Arona
06:35
and because I lost Aaron.
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i zato što sam ga izgubila.
06:38
He's present in my marriage to Matthew,
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Prisutan je i u mom braku sa Metjuom,
06:40
because Aaron's life and love and death
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jer su me Aronov život, ljubav i smrt
06:43
made me the person
that Matthew wanted to marry.
that Matthew wanted to marry.
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učinili osobom kojom je Metju
poželeo da se oženi.
poželeo da se oženi.
06:46
So I've not moved on from Aaron,
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Tako da nisam ostavila Arona iza sebe,
06:50
I've moved forward with him.
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nastavila sam dalje sa njim.
06:56
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
07:02
We spread Aaron's ashes
in his favorite river in Minnesota,
in his favorite river in Minnesota,
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Prosuli smo Aronov pepeo
u njegovu omiljenu reku u Minesoti,
u njegovu omiljenu reku u Minesoti,
07:07
and when the bag was empty --
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i kada je kesa bila prazna -
07:09
because when you're cremated,
you fit into a plastic bag --
you fit into a plastic bag --
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jer kada vas kremiraju,
stanete u plastičnu kesu -
stanete u plastičnu kesu -
07:13
there were still ashes
stuck to my fingers.
stuck to my fingers.
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bilo je još pepela na mojim prstima.
07:16
And I could have just put my hands
in the water and rinsed them,
in the water and rinsed them,
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Mogla sam samo da stavim ruke
u vodu i da ih isperem,
u vodu i da ih isperem,
ali umesto toga, oblizala sam šake,
07:20
but instead, I licked my hands clean,
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07:23
because I was so afraid of losing more
than I had already lost,
than I had already lost,
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jer sam se toliko uplašila
da ću izgubiti više nego što već jesam,
da ću izgubiti više nego što već jesam,
07:27
and I was so desperate to make sure
that he would always be a part of me.
that he would always be a part of me.
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i očajnički sam želela da budem sigurna
da će uvek biti deo mene.
da će uvek biti deo mene.
07:32
But of course he would be.
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Naravno da će biti.
07:34
Because when you watch your person
fill himself with poison for three years,
fill himself with poison for three years,
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Jer kada gledate nekog svog
kako se kljuka otrovom tri godine,
kako se kljuka otrovom tri godine,
07:39
just so he can stay alive
a little bit longer with you,
a little bit longer with you,
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samo kako bi ostao živ malo duže zbog vas,
07:42
that stays with you.
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to ostaje u vama.
07:45
When you watch him fade from the healthy
person he was the night you met
person he was the night you met
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Kada gledate kako vene i od zdravog čoveka
kakav je bio one noći kad vas je upoznao
kakav je bio one noći kad vas je upoznao
07:49
to nothing, that stays with you.
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postaje ništa, to ostaje u vama.
07:51
When you watch your son,
who isn't even two years old yet,
who isn't even two years old yet,
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Kada gledate vašeg sina,
koji još nema ni dve godine,
koji još nema ni dve godine,
kako prilazi očevom krevetu
poslednjeg dana njegovog života,
poslednjeg dana njegovog života,
07:54
walk up to his father's bed
on the last day of his life,
on the last day of his life,
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07:57
like he knows what's coming
in a few hours,
in a few hours,
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kao da zna šta se sprema za nekoliko sati,
07:59
and say, "I love you. All done. Bye, bye."
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i kaže: „Volim te. Gotovo. Pa, pa.“
08:05
That stays with you.
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1975
To ostaje u vama.
08:09
Just like when you fall in love,
finally, like really fall in love
finally, like really fall in love
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Kao kad se konačno zaljubite,
kada se stvarno zaljubite
kada se stvarno zaljubite
08:14
with someone who gets you and sees you
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u nekoga ko vas razume i vidi
08:16
and you even see, "Oh, my God,
I've been wrong this entire time.
I've been wrong this entire time.
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i čak i vi shvatite: „O bože,
grešila sam svo ovo vreme.
grešila sam svo ovo vreme.
08:19
Love is not a contest
or a reality show -- it's so quiet,
or a reality show -- it's so quiet,
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Ljubav nije takmičenje
ili rijaliti - već je tako mirna,
ili rijaliti - već je tako mirna,
08:24
it's this invisible thread of calm
that connects the two of us
that connects the two of us
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nevidljiva nit smirenosti
koja povezuje nas dvoje
koja povezuje nas dvoje
08:28
even when everything is chaos,
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čak i kada je sve u haosu,
08:29
when things are falling apart,
even when he's gone."
even when he's gone."
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kada se sve raspada,
čak i kada njega nema."
čak i kada njega nema."
08:34
That stays with you.
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To ostaje u vama.
08:38
We used to do this thing --
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Mi smo radili nešto -
08:40
because my hands are always
freezing and he's so warm,
freezing and he's so warm,
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jer su moje ruke uvek ledene,
a on je tako topao,
a on je tako topao,
pa bih mu ja svoje led ledene ruke
gurnula pod majicu...
gurnula pod majicu...
08:43
where I would take my ice-cold hands
and shove them up his shirt ...
and shove them up his shirt ...
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08:46
press them against his hot bod.
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2009
i pritisnula ih uz njegovo vrelo telo.
08:48
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
08:51
And he hated it so much,
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On je to toliko mrzeo,
08:53
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
08:54
but he loved me,
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ali je voleo mene,
08:56
and after he died,
I laid in bed with Aaron
I laid in bed with Aaron
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i nakon što je preminuo,
legla sam u krevet sa Aronom,
legla sam u krevet sa Aronom,
09:01
and I put my hands underneath him
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stavila svoje ruke ispod njega
09:05
and I felt his warmth.
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i osetila njegovu toplotu.
09:10
And I can't even tell you
if my hands were cold,
if my hands were cold,
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Ne mogu čak ni da vam kažem
da li su mi ruke bile hladne,
da li su mi ruke bile hladne,
09:13
but I can tell you
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1556
ali vam mogu reći
09:15
that I knew it was the last time
I would ever do that.
I would ever do that.
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da sam znala da je to bio poslednji put
da ću to ikada uraditi.
da ću to ikada uraditi.
09:20
And that that memory
is always going to be sad.
is always going to be sad.
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I da će ta uspomena uvek biti tužna.
09:23
That memory will always hurt.
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Ta uspomena će uvek boleti.
09:26
Even when I'm 600 years old
and I'm just a hologram.
and I'm just a hologram.
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2844
Čak i kada budem imala 600 godina
i postanem samo hologram.
i postanem samo hologram.
09:28
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
09:32
Just like the memory of meeting him
is always going to make me laugh.
is always going to make me laugh.
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5693
Kao što će me uspomena na upoznavanje
s njim uvek nasmejavati.
s njim uvek nasmejavati.
09:39
Grief doesn't happen in this vacuum,
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Tuga nije izolovan osećaj,
09:41
it happens alongside of and mixed in
with all of these other emotions.
with all of these other emotions.
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dešava se zajedno i pomešano
sa svim tim drugim emocijama.
sa svim tim drugim emocijama.
09:50
So, I met Matthew, my current husband --
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Upoznala sam Metjua, mog sadašnjeg muža -
09:54
who doesn't love that title,
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1872
koji ne voli tu titulu,
09:56
(Laughter)
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3778
(Smeh)
10:00
but it's so accurate.
201
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1476
iako je tačna.
10:02
(Laughter)
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2610
(Smeh)
10:05
I met Matthew, and ...
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Upoznala sam Metjua i...
10:09
there was this audible sigh of relief
among the people who love me,
among the people who love me,
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i čuo se taj uzdah olakšanja
među ljudima koji me vole,
među ljudima koji me vole,
10:12
like, "It's over!
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2422
u smislu „Gotovo je!
10:16
She did it.
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Uspela je.
10:19
She got a happy ending,
we can all go home.
we can all go home.
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2468
Dobila je svoj srećan kraj,
sada možemo kućama.
sada možemo kućama.
10:21
And we did good."
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2001
Bili smo dobri.“
10:23
And that narrative
is so appealing even to me,
is so appealing even to me,
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3023
Ta priča je bila privlačna čak i meni,
10:26
and I thought maybe
I had gotten that, too, but I didn't.
I had gotten that, too, but I didn't.
210
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3842
i mislila sam da sam možda
to i dobila, ali nisam.
to i dobila, ali nisam.
10:30
I got another chapter.
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2538
Dobila sam drugo poglavlje.
10:33
And it's such a good chapter --
I love you, honey --
I love you, honey --
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3945
I to jako dobro poglavlje -
volim te dušo -
volim te dušo -
10:37
it's such a good chapter.
213
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1745
tako dobro poglavlje.
10:39
But especially at the beginning,
it was like an alternate universe,
it was like an alternate universe,
214
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3861
Pogotovo na početku,
bilo je kao u drugom univerzumu,
bilo je kao u drugom univerzumu,
ili u jednoj od onih starih knjiga
iz '80-ih „izaberite svoju avanturu"
iz '80-ih „izaberite svoju avanturu"
10:43
or one of those old "choose your
own adventure" books from the '80s
own adventure" books from the '80s
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3158
10:46
where there are two parallel plot lines.
216
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1928
u kojima imate dva paralelna zapleta.
10:48
So I opened my heart to Matthew,
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1594
Otvorila sam svoje srce Metjuu,
10:50
and my brain was like,
"Would you like to think about Aaron?
"Would you like to think about Aaron?
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3764
a mozak mi je govorio:
„Da li bi htela da razmišljaš o Aronu?
„Da li bi htela da razmišljaš o Aronu?
10:54
Like, the past, the present, future,
just get in there," and I did.
just get in there," and I did.
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O prošlosti, sadašnjosti, budućnosti,
ma samo hajde", i jesam.
ma samo hajde", i jesam.
10:59
And all of a sudden,
those two plots were unfurling at once,
those two plots were unfurling at once,
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I odjednom, ta dva zapleta
su se zajedno razvijala
su se zajedno razvijala
11:02
and falling in love with Matthew
really helped me realize the enormity
really helped me realize the enormity
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i zaljubljivanje u Metjua
mi je pomoglo da uvidim veličinu
mi je pomoglo da uvidim veličinu
11:05
of what I lost when Aaron died.
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onoga što sam izgubila
kada je Aron preminuo.
kada je Aron preminuo.
11:09
And just as importantly,
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Jednako važno,
11:10
it helped me realize
that my love for Aaron
that my love for Aaron
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pomoglo mi je da uvidim
da moja ljubav prema Aronu
da moja ljubav prema Aronu
11:14
and my grief for Aaron,
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2111
moja tuga za njim,
11:16
and my love for Matthew,
are not opposing forces.
are not opposing forces.
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4531
i moja ljubav prema Metjuu
nisu oprečne sile.
nisu oprečne sile.
11:22
They are just strands to the same thread.
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2800
Već samo dva kraja iste niti.
11:26
They're the same stuff.
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1533
One su ista stvar.
11:30
I'm ... what would my parents say?
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3246
Ja nisam... šta bi moji roditelji rekli?
11:33
I'm not special.
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1539
Ja nisam posebna.
11:35
(Laughter)
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1015
(Smeh)
11:36
They had four kids,
they were like ... frankly.
they were like ... frankly.
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2536
Oni su imali četvoro dece,
bili su u fazonu... iskreno.
bili su u fazonu... iskreno.
11:39
(Laughter)
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1785
(Smeh)
11:41
But I'm not, I'm not special.
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1768
Ali i nisam, nisam posebna.
11:42
I know that, I'm fully aware
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2058
Znam to, potpuno sam svesna
11:44
that all day, every day,
all around the world,
all around the world,
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2507
da se po ceo dan, svakog dana,
svuda širom sveta,
svuda širom sveta,
11:47
terrible things are happening.
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1778
dešavaju užasne stvari.
11:49
All the time.
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1151
Stalno.
11:50
Like I said, fun person.
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1745
Kao što sam rekla, ja sam zabavna.
11:52
But terrible things are happening,
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2486
Ali užasne stvari se dešavaju,
11:54
people are experiencing deeply formative
and traumatic losses every day.
and traumatic losses every day.
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6394
ljudi svakog dana prolaze kroz duboko
traumatične gubitke koji ih oblikuju.
traumatične gubitke koji ih oblikuju.
12:01
And as part of my job,
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2588
Kao deo mog posla,
12:03
this weird podcast that I have,
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1682
u tom čudnom podkastu koji imam,
12:05
I sometimes talk to people
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1248
ponekad pričam sa ljudima
12:06
about the worst thing
that's ever happened to them.
that's ever happened to them.
245
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2984
o najgoroj stvari
koja im se ikada dogodila.
koja im se ikada dogodila.
12:09
And sometimes, that's the loss
of someone they love,
of someone they love,
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3031
Ponekad, to je gubitak nekog voljenog,
12:12
sometimes days ago or weeks ago,
years ago, even decades ago.
years ago, even decades ago.
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4690
nekada pre nekoliko dana ili nedelja,
godinama ili čak i decenijama pre.
godinama ili čak i decenijama pre.
12:18
And these people that I interview,
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I ti ljudi koje intervjuišem
12:20
they haven't closed themselves
around this loss
around this loss
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2308
nisu se učaurili u tom gubitku
12:23
and made it the center of their lives.
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2350
i učinili ga centrom života.
12:25
They've lived, their worlds
have kept spinning.
have kept spinning.
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4301
Živeli su, njihov svet
je nastavio da se okreće.
je nastavio da se okreće.
12:31
But they're talking to me,
a total stranger,
a total stranger,
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3142
Ali oni pričaju sa mnom,
potpunim strancem,
potpunim strancem,
12:34
about the person they love who has died,
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1935
o nekom voljenom ko je preminuo,
12:36
because these are the experiences
254
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3140
jer su to iskustva
12:39
that mark us and make us
just as much as the joyful ones.
just as much as the joyful ones.
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5087
koja nas obeleže i deo su nas
jednako kao i ona radosna.
jednako kao i ona radosna.
12:45
And just as permanently.
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1857
I jednako su trajna.
12:48
Long after you get your last sympathy card
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2571
Dugo nakon što dobijete
poslednji izraz saučešća
poslednji izraz saučešća
12:51
or your last hot dish.
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1467
ili kuvano jelo.
12:53
Like, we don't look
at the people around us
at the people around us
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2031
Mi ne tražimo ljude oko nas
12:55
experiencing life's joys and wonders
and tell them to "move on," do we?
and tell them to "move on," do we?
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4499
koji prolaze kroz radosti i čuda
i govorimo im da nastave dalje, zar ne?
i govorimo im da nastave dalje, zar ne?
13:00
We don't send a card that's like,
"Congratulations on your beautiful baby,"
"Congratulations on your beautiful baby,"
261
768124
3556
Ne šaljemo čestitke tipa
„Čestitamo na predivnoj bebi,“
„Čestitamo na predivnoj bebi,“
13:03
and then, five years later, think like,
"Another birthday party? Get over it."
"Another birthday party? Get over it."
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771704
3691
a onda nakon pet godina pomislimo:
„Još jedan rođendan? Prevaziđite to.“
„Još jedan rođendan? Prevaziđite to.“
13:07
(Laughter)
263
775419
1666
(Smeh)
Da, shvatili smo, napunio je pet godina.
13:09
Yeah, we get it, he's five.
264
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1659
13:10
(Laughter)
265
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1428
(Smeh)
13:12
Wow.
266
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1174
Super.
13:13
(Laughter)
267
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1150
(Smeh)
13:16
But grief is kind of one of those things,
268
784148
2016
Ali tuga je jedna od onih stvari koju,
13:18
like, falling in love or having a baby
or watching "The Wire" on HBO,
or watching "The Wire" on HBO,
269
786188
3779
kao zaljubiljivanje ili dobijanje deteta
ili gledanje serije „Doušnici“ na HBO,
ili gledanje serije „Doušnici“ na HBO,
13:21
where you don't get it
until you get it, until you do it.
until you get it, until you do it.
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4082
ne shvatite dok ne shvatite,
dok ne prođete kroz to.
dok ne prođete kroz to.
13:27
And once you do it,
once it's your love or your baby,
once it's your love or your baby,
271
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5303
I tek kad prođete kroz to,
tek kad je u pitanju vaša ljubav ili beba,
tek kad je u pitanju vaša ljubav ili beba,
13:32
once it's your grief
and your front row at the funeral,
and your front row at the funeral,
272
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5190
vaša tuga, prvi red na sahrani,
13:37
you get it.
273
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1150
shvatite.
13:39
You understand what you're experiencing
is not a moment in time,
is not a moment in time,
274
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4136
Razumevanje onog što vam se dešava
nije trenutak u vremenu,
nije trenutak u vremenu,
13:43
it's not a bone that will reset,
275
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1942
nije kost koja će se ponovo namestiti,
13:45
but that you've been touched
by something chronic.
by something chronic.
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2866
nego ste dotaknuti nečim dugotrajnim.
13:48
Something incurable.
277
816919
1198
Nečim neizlečivim.
13:50
It's not fatal, but sometimes
grief feels like it could be.
grief feels like it could be.
278
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2856
Nije fatalno, ali ponekad se čini
da bi tuga to mogla biti.
da bi tuga to mogla biti.
13:55
And if we can't prevent it in one another,
279
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3579
A ako je ne možemo preduprediti
jedni u drugima,
jedni u drugima,
13:58
what can we do?
280
826872
1317
šta možemo uraditi?
14:02
What can we do other than try
to remind one another
to remind one another
281
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4320
Šta drugo možemo osim da probamo
da podsetimo jedni druge
da podsetimo jedni druge
14:06
that some things can't be fixed,
282
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2706
da se neke stvari ne mogu popraviti
14:10
and not all wounds are meant to heal?
283
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3182
i da ne mogu sve rane da se zaleče?
14:14
We need each other to remember,
284
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3191
Potrebni smo jedni drugima da se setimo,
da pomognemo jedni drugima da se setimo,
14:17
to help each other remember,
285
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1762
14:19
that grief is this multitasking emotion.
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da je tuga skup emocija.
14:22
That you can and will be sad, and happy;
you'll be grieving, and able to love
you'll be grieving, and able to love
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Da možete i da ćete biti tužni, i srećni;
tugovaćete, i moći ćete da volite
tugovaćete, i moći ćete da volite
14:28
in the same year or week, the same breath.
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u istoj godini ili nedelji, u istom dahu.
14:32
We need to remember that a grieving person
is going to laugh again and smile again.
is going to laugh again and smile again.
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Moramo zapamtiti da će onaj koji tuguje
ponovo da se smeje i osmehuje.
ponovo da se smeje i osmehuje.
14:39
If they're lucky,
they'll even find love again.
they'll even find love again.
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Ako ima sreće, ponovo će naći ljubav.
14:43
But yes, absolutely,
they're going to move forward.
they're going to move forward.
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Ali da, apsolutno, nastaviće dalje
sa svojim životom.
sa svojim životom.
14:48
But that doesn't mean
that they've moved on.
that they've moved on.
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Ali to ne znači
da su ostavili tugu iza sebe.
da su ostavili tugu iza sebe.
14:52
Thank you.
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Hvala.
14:53
(Applause)
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(Aplauz)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Nora McInerny - Author, podcast hostNora McInerny makes a living talking to people about life's hardest moments.
Why you should listen
Nora McInerny speaks from experience and empathy, having lost her second baby, her father and her husband over the course of six weeks at age 31. She is the best-selling author of the memoir It’s Okay To Laugh, Crying Is Cool Too, the host of the award-winning podcast "Terrible, Thanks for Asking" and the founder of the nonprofit Still Kickin. She contributes words to Elle, Cosmopolitan, Buzzfeed, Time, Slate and Vox, where she's often tapped for her essays highlighting the emotional landscape and humor in complex topics, like the financial impacts of healthcare and grief in a digital age.
McInerny is a master storyteller known for her dedication to bringing heart and levity to the difficult and uncomfortable conversations most of us try to avoid, and also for being very tall. She was voted "Most Humorous" by the Annunciation Catholic School Class of 1998.
Nora McInerny | Speaker | TED.com