TED2008
Laura Trice: Remember to say thank you
Laura Trice建议我们说出感谢
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在这看似简单的3分钟的谈话中，Laura Trice 博士思索了“谢谢你”这句话具有的神奇力量－－加深友谊，维持互相之间的联系，确保他人知道他对你的意义。试试吧。
Laura Trice - Counselor, coach and baker
Laura Trice is a counselor, life coach -- and purveyor of wholesome junk food. Full bio
Laura Trice is a counselor, life coach -- and purveyor of wholesome junk food. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:18
Hi. I'm here to talk to you about the importance of
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嗨。我在这里要和大家谈谈
00:22
praise, admiration and thank you,
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向别人表达赞美，倾佩和谢意的重要性。
00:25
and having it be specific and genuine.
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并使它们听来真诚，具体。
00:27
And the way I got interested in this was,
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之所以我对此感兴趣
00:29
I noticed in myself, when I was growing up,
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是因为我从我自己的成长中注意到
00:32
and until about a few years ago,
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几年前，
00:33
that I would want to say thank you to someone,
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当我想要对某个人说声谢谢时，
00:35
I would want to praise them,
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当我想要赞美他们时，
00:36
I would want to take in their praise of me
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当我想接受他们对我的赞扬，
00:38
and I'd just stop it.
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但我却没有说出口。
00:40
And I asked myself, why?
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我问我自己，这是为什么？
00:43
I felt shy, I felt embarrassed.
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我感到害羞，我感到尴尬。
00:45
And then my question became,
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接着我产生了一个问题
00:47
am I the only one who does this?
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难道我是唯一一个这么做的人吗？
00:49
So, I decided to investigate.
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所以我决定做些探究。
00:50
I'm fortunate enough to work in the rehab facility,
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我非常幸运的在一家康复中心工作，
00:53
so I get to see people who are facing life and death with addiction.
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所以我可以看到那些因为上瘾而面临生与死的人。
00:56
And sometimes it comes down to something as simple as,
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有时候这一切可以非常简单地归结为，
01:00
their core wound is their father died without ever saying he's proud of them.
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他们最核心的创伤来自于他们父亲到死都未说过“他为他们而自豪”。
01:05
But then, they hear from all the family and friends
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但他们从所有其它家庭或朋友那里得知
01:07
that the father told everybody else that he was proud of him,
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他的父亲告诉其他人为他感到自豪，
01:10
but he never told the son.
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但这个父亲从没告诉过他儿子。
01:11
It's because he didn't know that his son needed to hear it.
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因为他不知道他的儿子需要听到这一切。
01:14
So my question is, why don't we ask for the things that we need?
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因此我的问题是，为什么我们不索求我们需要的东西呢？
01:18
I know a gentleman, married for 25 years,
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我认识一个结婚25年的男士
01:20
who's longing to hear his wife say,
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渴望听到他妻子说，
01:22
"Thank you for being the breadwinner, so I can stay home with the kids,"
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“感谢你为这个家在外赚钱，这样我才能在家陪伴着孩子，”
01:25
but won't ask.
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但他从来不去问。
01:26
I know a woman who's good at this.
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我认识一个精于此道的女士。
01:28
She, once a week, meets with her husband and says,
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每周一次，她见到丈夫后会说，
01:30
"I'd really like you to thank me for all these things I did in the house and with the kids."
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“我真的希望你为我对这个家和孩子们付出的努力而感谢我。”
01:34
And he goes, "Oh, this is great, this is great."
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他会应和到“哦，真是太棒了，真是太棒了。”
01:37
And praise really does have to be genuine,
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赞扬别人一定要真诚，
01:39
but she takes responsibility for that.
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但她对赞美承担了责任。
01:41
And a friend of mine, April, who I've had since kindergarten,
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一个从我上幼儿园就一直是朋友的叫April的人，
01:44
she thanks her children for doing their chores.
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她会感谢她的孩子们做了家务。
01:47
And she said, "Why wouldn't I thank it, even though they're supposed to do it?"
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她说：“为什么我不表示感谢呢，即使他们本来就要做那些事情？”
01:49
So, the question is, why was I blocking it?
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因次我的问题是，为什么我不说呢？
01:51
Why were other people blocking it?
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为什么其它人不说呢？
01:52
Why can I say, "I'll take my steak medium rare,
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为什么我能说：“我要一块中等厚度的牛排，
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I need size six shoes," but I won't say,
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我需要6号尺寸的鞋子，”
01:58
"Would you praise me this way?"
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但我却不能说：“你可以赞扬我吗？”
02:00
And it's because I'm giving you critical data about me.
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因为这会使我把我的重要信息与你分享。
02:04
I'm telling you where I'm insecure.
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会让我告诉了你我内心的不安。
02:06
I'm telling you where I need your help.
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会让你认为我需要你的帮助。
02:08
And I'm treating you, my inner circle,
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虽然你是我最贴心的人，
02:11
like you're the enemy.
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我却把你当作是敌人。
02:13
Because what can you do with that data?
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你会用我托付给你的重要信息做些什么呢？
02:15
You could neglect me.
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你可以忽视我。
02:17
You could abuse it.
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你可以滥用它。
02:18
Or you could actually meet my need.
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或者你可以满足我的要求。
02:20
And I took my bike into the bike store-- I love this --
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我把我的自行车拿到车行－－我喜欢这么做－－
02:22
same bike, and they'd do something called "truing" the wheels.
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同样的自行车，他们会对车轮做整形。
02:25
The guy said, "You know, when you true the wheels,
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那里的人说：“当你对车轮做整形时，
02:27
it's going to make the bike so much better."
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它会使自行车变成更好。”
02:28
I get the same bike back,
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我把这辆自行车拿回来，
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and they've taken all the little warps out of those same wheels
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他们把有小小弯曲的铁丝从轮子上拿走
02:33
I've had for two and a half years, and my bike is like new.
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这辆车我用了2年半，现在还像新的一样。
02:36
So, I'm going to challenge all of you.
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所以我要问在场的所有人，
02:38
I want you to true your wheels:
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我希望你们把你们的车轮整形一下：
02:40
be honest about the praise that you need to hear.
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真诚面对对你们想听到的赞美。
02:43
What do you need to hear? Go home to your wife --
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你们想听到什么呢？
02:45
go ask her, what does she need?
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回家问问你们的妻子，她想听到什么？
02:47
Go home to your husband -- what does he need?
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回家问问你们的丈夫，他想听到什么？
02:49
Go home and ask those questions, and then help the people around you.
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回家问问这些问题，并帮助身边的人实现它们。
02:52
And it's simple.
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非常简单。
02:53
And why should we care about this?
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为什么要关心这个呢？
02:55
We talk about world peace.
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我们谈论世界和平。
02:56
How can we have world peace with different cultures, different languages?
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我们怎么用不同的文化，不同的语言来保持世界和平？
02:59
I think it starts household by household, under the same roof.
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我想要从每个小家庭开始。
03:03
So, let's make it right in our own backyard.
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所以让我们在家里就把这件事情做好。
03:05
And I want to thank all of you in the audience
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我想要感谢所有在这里的人们
03:07
for being great husbands, great mothers,
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因为你们是好丈夫，好母亲，
03:09
friends, daughters, sons.
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好伙伴，好女儿和好儿子。
03:11
And maybe somebody's never said that to you,
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或许有些人从没跟你们说过
03:12
but you've done a really, really good job.
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但你们已经做得非常非常得出色了。
03:14
And thank you for being here, just showing up
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感谢你们来到这里，
03:17
and changing the world with your ideas.
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向世界显示着你们的智慧，并用它们改变着世界。
03:20
Thank you.
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谢谢。
03:22
(Applause)
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（鼓掌）
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Laura Trice - Counselor, coach and bakerLaura Trice is a counselor, life coach -- and purveyor of wholesome junk food.
Why you should listen
Dr. Laura Trice is a therapist and coach, devoted to practices that help people find fulfillment. She's created a therapeutic program called Writing in Recovery that uses creative skills such as journaling and music to help people develop better self-awareness and set goals. She's taught this program at such well-known clinics as Betty Ford and Promises. She's the author of the book How to Work Any 12-Step Program.
In her other life, she is the head of Laura's Wholesome Junk Food, making healthy cookies and brownies.
Laura Trice | Speaker | TED.com