TED2019
Hannah Gadsby: Three ideas. Three contradictions. Or not.
漢娜·加茲比: 三個想法。三種矛盾。或不是。
Filmed:
Readability: 3.3
2,402,838 views
漢娜·加茲比的開創性作品《娜內特》（Nanette）打破了喜劇。在這場關於真相和目的的演說中，她分享了三個想法和三種矛盾。或不是。
Hannah Gadsby - Serious comedian
Hannah Gadsby skewers the straight world's dismissal and outright hostility toward the LGBTQ community in her stand-up sets, stage performances and television shows. Full bio
Hannah Gadsby skewers the straight world's dismissal and outright hostility toward the LGBTQ community in her stand-up sets, stage performances and television shows. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
My name is Hannah.
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我的名字叫做漢娜（Hannah）。
這個字是個「迴文」。
這個字是個「迴文」。
00:14
And that is a palindrome.
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00:17
That is a word you can spell
the same forwards and backwards,
the same forwards and backwards,
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是一個你正拼反拼都一樣的詞。
00:23
if you can spell.
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前提是你會拼字。
00:25
But the thing is --
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但，重點是——
00:26
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
00:29
my entire family have palindromic names.
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我的整個家族都有迴文的名字。
00:31
It's a bit of a tradition.
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算是一個小傳統。
00:33
We've got Mum, Dad --
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我們有媽媽（Mum）、
爸爸（Dad）——
爸爸（Dad）——
（笑聲）
00:36
(Laughter)
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00:38
Nan, Pop.
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奶奶（Nan）、爺爺（Pop）。
00:40
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
00:43
And my brother, Kayak.
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還有我兄弟克亞克（Kayak）。
00:45
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
就像這樣。
00:47
There you go.
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00:48
That's just a bit a joke, there.
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開一個小玩笑。
（笑聲）
00:50
(Laughter)
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00:51
I like to kick things off with a joke
because I'm a comedian.
because I'm a comedian.
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我喜歡以笑話起頭，
因為我是喜劇演員。
因為我是喜劇演員。
00:55
Now there's two things
you know about me already:
you know about me already:
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現在你們已經知道了
兩件關於我的事：
兩件關於我的事：
00:57
my name's Hannah and I'm a comedian.
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我叫做漢娜，是喜劇演員。
我不浪費任何時間。
我不浪費任何時間。
00:59
I'm wasting no time.
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你們能知道關於我的第三件事是：
01:00
Here's a third thing
you can know about me:
you can know about me:
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01:03
I don't think I'm qualified
to speak my own mind.
to speak my own mind.
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我不認為我有資格
說出我心中的想法。
說出我心中的想法。
01:07
Bold way to begin a talk, yes,
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用這句當演講開場很大膽，是的，
01:10
but it's true.
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但這是真的。
01:11
I've always had a great deal of difficulty
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在將想法轉換成話語這方面，
01:14
turning my thinking into the talking.
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我一直覺得很難。
01:17
So it seems a bit
of a contradiction, then,
of a contradiction, then,
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這感覺有點矛盾，
01:19
that someone like me,
who is so bad at the chat,
who is so bad at the chat,
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像我這樣的人，
一個如此不擅長聊天的人，
一個如此不擅長聊天的人，
01:22
could be something like
a stand-up comedian.
a stand-up comedian.
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卻能夠做個即興喜劇演員。
01:25
But there you go. There you go.
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但就是這樣。就是這樣。
01:27
It's what it is.
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事實就是如此。
01:28
I first tried my hand at stand-up
comedi -- comedie ... See?
comedi -- comedie ... See?
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我初次嘗試即興喜居——
喜居（發音誤）……看吧？
喜居（發音誤）……看吧？
01:33
See? See?
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看吧？看吧？
01:34
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
01:37
I first tried my hand at stand-up comedy
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我初次嘗試即興喜劇表演
是我快三十歲時，
是我快三十歲時，
01:40
in my late 20s,
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01:41
and despite being a pathologically shy
virtual mute with low self-esteem
virtual mute with low self-esteem
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儘管我病態地害羞、
沉默寡言，還很自卑，
沉默寡言，還很自卑，
01:46
who'd never held a microphone before,
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之前也從來沒有拿過麥克風，
01:48
I knew as soon as I walked
and stood in front of the audience,
and stood in front of the audience,
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但當我走上台站在觀眾面前時，
我立刻就知道，
我立刻就知道，
01:53
I knew, before I'd even
landed my first joke,
landed my first joke,
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我知道，在我吐出我
第一個笑話之前就知道，
第一個笑話之前就知道，
01:56
I knew that I really liked stand-up,
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我知道我真的喜歡即興喜劇，
01:59
and stand-up really liked me.
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即興喜劇也真的喜歡我。
02:02
But for the life of me,
I couldn't work out why.
I couldn't work out why.
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但我這一生都想不透為什麼。
02:05
Why is it I could be so good
at doing something I was so bad at?
at doing something I was so bad at?
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為什麼我可以這麼擅長
做我這麼不擅長的事？
做我這麼不擅長的事？
02:10
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
02:12
I just couldn't work it out,
I could not understand it.
I could not understand it.
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我就是想不透，我無法理解。
02:15
That is, until I could.
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直到後來，我理解了。
02:17
Now, before I explain to you why it is
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現在，在我跟各位解釋為什麼
02:19
that I can be good
at something I'm so bad at,
at something I'm so bad at,
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我可以這麼擅長
做我這麼不擅長的事之前，
做我這麼不擅長的事之前，
02:23
let me throw another spanner
of contradiction into the work
of contradiction into the work
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先讓我將另一個矛盾拋出來，
02:26
by telling you that not long after
I worked out why that was,
I worked out why that was,
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那就是，在我搞懂
為什麼之後沒多久，
為什麼之後沒多久，
02:30
I decided to quit comedy.
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我就決定放棄喜劇。
02:33
And before I explain
that little oppositional cat
that little oppositional cat
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在我解釋為什麼將一隻有些叛逆的貓
丟進沉思的鴿子群之前，
丟進沉思的鴿子群之前，
02:35
I just threw amongst the thinking pigeons,
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02:38
let me also tell you this:
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讓我先告訴各位：
02:41
quitting launched my comedy career.
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放棄，使我的喜劇職涯起飛了。
02:43
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
02:45
Like, really launched it, to the point
where after quitting comedy,
where after quitting comedy,
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就是真的起飛到了一種程度，
一種在我放棄喜劇之後
一種在我放棄喜劇之後
02:50
I became the most talked-about
comedian on the planet,
comedian on the planet,
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就變成了這個星球上最多人
在談論的喜劇演員的程度，
在談論的喜劇演員的程度，
02:52
because apparently, I'm even worse
at making retirement plans
at making retirement plans
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因為很顯然，
我做退休計劃的能力，
我做退休計劃的能力，
02:56
than I am at speaking my own mind.
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比我說出心裡話的能力還要糟糕。
03:00
Now, all I've done up until this point
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到目前為止我所做的所有事，
03:04
apart from giving over a spattering
of biographical detail
of biographical detail
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除了一直丟出傳記般的細節之外，
03:08
is to tell you indirectly
that I have three ideas
that I have three ideas
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就是間接告訴各位，今天
我想要與大家分享三個想法，
我想要與大家分享三個想法，
03:10
that I want to share with you today.
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03:12
And I've done that by way of sharing
three contradictions:
three contradictions:
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而我透過分享三個
矛盾來做到這一點：
矛盾來做到這一點：
03:15
one, I am bad at talking,
I am good at talking;
I am good at talking;
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第一：我很不擅長說話，
我擅長說話；
我擅長說話；
03:18
I quit, I did not quit.
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我放棄了，我沒有放棄。
03:21
Three ideas, three contradictions.
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三個想法，三個矛盾。
03:23
Now, if you're wondering
why there's only two things
why there's only two things
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如果你很納悶，為什麼我說
清單上有三件事，
卻只點出兩件事——
卻只點出兩件事——
03:26
on my so-called list of three --
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03:27
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
03:28
I remind you it is literally
a list of contradictions.
a list of contradictions.
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我要提醒各位，它就是
名副其實的矛盾清單。
名副其實的矛盾清單。
03:31
Keep up.
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要跟上腳步。
03:32
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
03:34
Now, the folks at TED advised me
that with a talk of this length,
that with a talk of this length,
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TED 的人建議過我說，
在這種長度的演說中，
在這種長度的演說中，
03:39
it's best to stick
with just sharing one idea.
with just sharing one idea.
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最好是只要分享一個想法。
03:42
I said no.
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我說不。
03:44
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
03:47
What would they know?
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他們能知道什麼？
03:49
To explain why I have chosen to ignore
what is clearly very good advice,
what is clearly very good advice,
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為了解釋我為什麼選擇不理會
一個很明顯非常好的建議，
一個很明顯非常好的建議，
03:54
I want to take you back
to the beginning of this talk,
to the beginning of this talk,
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我想先帶大家回到
這場演說的開頭，
這場演說的開頭，
準確來說，回到我的迴文笑話。
03:57
specifically, my palindrome joke.
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03:59
Now that joke uses my favorite trick
of the comedian trade,
of the comedian trade,
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那個笑話用到了我在
喜劇行業中最喜歡的技倆，
喜劇行業中最喜歡的技倆，
04:03
the rule of three,
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三的原則，
04:04
whereby you make a statement
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即，你先做一段陳述，
04:05
and then back that statement up
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然後用一張清單
來支持這段陳述。
來支持這段陳述。
04:07
with a list.
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04:08
My entire family have palindromic names:
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我的整個家族都有迴文的名字：
04:11
Mum, Dad, Nan, Pop.
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媽媽、爸爸、奶奶、爺爺。
04:14
The first two ideas on that list
create a pattern,
create a pattern,
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清單上的前兩個想法，
創造出一個格式，
創造出一個格式，
04:18
and that pattern creates expectation.
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這個格式創造出期待。
04:20
And then the third thing -- bam! --
Kayak. What?
Kayak. What?
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接著，第三樣東西——
砰！——克亞克。什麼？
砰！——克亞克。什麼？
04:23
That's the rule of three.
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那就是三的原則。
04:24
One, two, surprise! Ha ha.
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一、二、驚喜！哈哈。
04:27
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
04:32
Now, the rule of three is not only
fundamental to the way I do my craft,
fundamental to the way I do my craft,
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三的原則不僅是我創作的基本法，
04:37
it is also fundamental
to the way I communicate.
to the way I communicate.
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也是我溝通的根本準則。
04:40
So I won't be changing
anything for nobody,
anything for nobody,
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所以，我不會為了任何人
改變任何東西，
改變任何東西，
04:43
not even TED,
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即使是 TED 也不例外，
04:44
which, I will point out,
stands for three ideas:
stands for three ideas:
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而 TED，我要指出，
代表了三個想法：
代表了三個想法：
04:47
technology, entertainment
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科技（Technology）、
娛樂（Entertainment），
娛樂（Entertainment），
04:49
and dickheads.
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和豬頭（Dickheads）。
04:50
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
04:53
Works every time, doesn't it?
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每次都奏效，對吧？
04:57
But you need more than just jokes
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但你得要有比笑話更多的東西
04:59
to be able to cut it
as a professional comedian.
as a professional comedian.
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才能成為一個職業喜劇演員。
05:02
You need to be able to walk
that fine line between being charming
that fine line between being charming
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你還得會在迷人和令人不設防之間
精準地拿捏。
05:06
and disarming.
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05:07
And I discovered the most effective way
to generate the amount of charm I needed
to generate the amount of charm I needed
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我發現了那個最有效的方法，
去生產出我所需的迷人魅力，
去生產出我所需的迷人魅力，
05:13
to offset my disarming personality
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來抵銷我令人不設防的人格，
05:17
was through not jokes but stories.
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不是透過講笑話，而是透過講故事。
05:19
So my stand-up routines
are filled with stories:
are filled with stories:
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所以，我慣常的即興演出中
總是充滿故事：
總是充滿故事：
05:22
stories about growing up,
my coming out story,
my coming out story,
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關於成長的故事，我出櫃的故事，
05:24
stories about the abuse I've copped
for being not only a woman
for being not only a woman
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關於我招致虐罵的故事，
就因為我不只是女性，
就因為我不只是女性，
05:27
but a big woman
and a masculine-of-center woman.
and a masculine-of-center woman.
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同時也是高大的女性，
男性化的女性。
男性化的女性。
05:31
If you watch my work online,
check the comments out below
check the comments out below
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如果你在網上看我的表演，
看看下面的評論，
看看下面的評論，
05:34
for examples of abuse.
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就可以找到謾罵的例子。
05:37
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
05:39
It's that time in the talk
where I shift into second gear,
where I shift into second gear,
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現在是我換到二檔的時候了，
05:42
and I'm going to tell you a story
about everything I've just said.
about everything I've just said.
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我要告訴各位一個故事，
和我剛才說的一切都有關。
和我剛才說的一切都有關。
05:46
In the last few days of her life,
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在我祖母人生的最後幾天，
05:49
my grandma was surrounded by people,
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她身邊環繞著人，
05:52
a lot of people,
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很多人，
05:53
because my grandma
was the loving matriarch
was the loving matriarch
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因為我祖母是
慈愛大家庭中的慈愛長輩。
慈愛大家庭中的慈愛長輩。
05:56
of a large and loving family.
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05:59
Now, if you haven't made
the connection already,
the connection already,
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如果各位還沒將內容聯會貫通起來，
我是那個家庭中的一員。
我是那個家庭中的一員。
06:01
I am a member of that family.
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06:03
I was lucky enough to be able
to say goodbye to my grandma
to say goodbye to my grandma
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我很幸運，能夠在我祖母
過世的那一天跟她說再見。
過世的那一天跟她說再見。
06:06
on the day she died.
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06:08
But as she was already
cocooned within herself by then,
cocooned within herself by then,
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但，因為當時她已經結繭一般
將自己的意識與外界分離開來了，
將自己的意識與外界分離開來了，
06:11
it was something of a one-sided goodbye.
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這個再見其實是單向的。
06:15
So I thought about a lot of things,
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由此我想了很多事，
06:18
things I hadn't thought about
in a long time,
in a long time,
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一些我很長一段時間沒有想過的事，
06:21
like the letters I used
to write to my grandma
to write to my grandma
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比如以前我剛進入
大學時給祖母寫的信，
大學時給祖母寫的信，
06:23
when I first started university,
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06:25
letters I filled with funny
stories and anecdotes
stories and anecdotes
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信中滿是好笑的故事和趣聞軼事，
06:28
that I embellished for her amusement.
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那些為了掙得她的樂趣
而被我潤色的故事。
而被我潤色的故事。
06:31
And I remembered how I couldn't articulate
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我還記得當時我無法明確表達
06:33
the anxiety and fear that filled me
as I tried to carve my tiny little life
as I tried to carve my tiny little life
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那些堵塞在我心頭的焦慮和恐懼，
因為當時我正試圖為我渺小的生活
在一個太過廣闊的世界裡
開出一塊立足之地。
開出一塊立足之地。
06:39
into a world that felt far too big for me.
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06:43
But I remembered finding
comfort in those letters,
comfort in those letters,
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但我記得我在信件中
找到的那些慰藉，
找到的那些慰藉，
06:46
because I wrote them
with my grandma in mind.
with my grandma in mind.
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因為我在寫時心中想著我的祖母。
06:50
But as the world got
more and more overwhelming
more and more overwhelming
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但是，隨著世界變得越來越沉重，
06:52
and my ability to negotiate it
got worse, not better,
got worse, not better,
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我的適應力也變得更糟而不是變好，
06:56
I stopped writing those letters.
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我不再寫信了。
07:00
I just didn't think I had the life
that Grandma would want to read about.
that Grandma would want to read about.
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我只是不覺得我過的是
祖母想要知道的那種生活。
祖母想要知道的那種生活。
07:06
Grandma did not know I was gay,
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祖母不知道我是同性戀，
07:08
and about six months before she died,
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在她過世前六個月左右，
07:10
out of nowhere, she asked me
if I had a boyfriend.
if I had a boyfriend.
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她突然就問我有沒有男朋友。
07:14
Now, I remember making
a conscious decision in that moment
a conscious decision in that moment
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我記得，我在那個瞬間
有意識地做了一個決定，
有意識地做了一個決定，
07:17
not to come out to my grandmother.
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決定不要向她出櫃。
07:20
And I did that because I knew her life
was drawing to an end,
was drawing to an end,
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我那麼做是因為我知道
她的人生正在畫上句點，
她的人生正在畫上句點，
07:24
and my time with her was finite,
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而我和她相處的時間很有限，
07:25
and I did not want to talk about
the ways we were different.
the ways we were different.
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我不想談論我們之間的不同之處。
07:28
I wanted to talk about
the ways were we connected.
the ways were we connected.
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我想要談的是我們之間的相連之處。
07:32
So I changed the subject.
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所以我換了話題。
07:35
And at the time, it felt
like the right decision.
like the right decision.
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當時，我覺得那是正確的決定。
07:38
But as I sat witness
to my grandmother's life
to my grandmother's life
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但，當我坐在一旁，眼睜睜地
目睹著我祖母的生命漸漸消逝，
目睹著我祖母的生命漸漸消逝，
07:41
as it tapered to its inevitable end,
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朝著無可避免的終點前進，
07:43
I couldn't help but feel
I'd made a mistake
I'd made a mistake
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我不禁覺得我犯了個錯，
07:46
not to share such a significant
part of my life.
part of my life.
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我沒有把我人生中
很重要的一部分與她分享。
很重要的一部分與她分享。
07:51
But I also knew that
I'd missed my opportunity,
I'd missed my opportunity,
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但我也知道，我已經錯過了機會，
07:55
and as Grandma always used to say,
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就像祖母總是說的：
07:57
"Ah, well, it's all part of the soup.
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「啊，那都已經是湯的一部分了。
07:59
Too late to take the onions out now."
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現在已經來不及把洋蔥拿出來了。」
08:02
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
08:04
And I thought about that,
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我想到這件事，
08:05
and I thought about how
I had to deal with too many onions
I had to deal with too many onions
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我也想到我小時候
必須要處理太多洋蔥，
必須要處理太多洋蔥，
08:09
as a kid,
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08:11
growing up gay in a state
where homosexuality was illegal.
where homosexuality was illegal.
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作為一個孩子，在一個同性戀
不合法的州成長為一個同性戀。
不合法的州成長為一個同性戀。
08:16
And with that thought,
I could see how tightly wrapped
I could see how tightly wrapped
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帶著那樣的想法，我能看見我是如何
被自己內心的羞恥化作的
藤蔓給緊緊地束縛住。
藤蔓給緊緊地束縛住。
08:19
in the tendrils of my own
internalized shame I was.
internalized shame I was.
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08:22
And with that, I thought
about all my traumas:
about all my traumas:
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帶著這樣的想法，
我想起了我所有的創傷：
我想起了我所有的創傷：
08:25
the violence, the abuse, my rape.
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暴力、辱罵、被強暴。
08:32
And with all that cluster of thinking,
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帶著那一大簇糾纏成結的想法，
08:34
a thought, a question,
kept popping into my mind
kept popping into my mind
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有一個想法、一個問題，
不斷在我腦海中跳出來，
不斷在我腦海中跳出來，
08:37
to which I had no answer:
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一個沒有答案的問題：
08:39
What is the purpose of my human?
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我人生的目的是什麼？
08:43
Out of anyone in my family,
I felt the most akin to my grandmother.
I felt the most akin to my grandmother.
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在我所有的家人中，
我覺得我和祖母最相似，
我覺得我和祖母最相似，
08:48
I mean, we share the most
traits in common.
traits in common.
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我的意思是，我們有最多共同點。
08:51
Not so much these days.
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現在就沒那麼多了。
08:52
Death really changes people.
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死亡會改變人。
08:54
But that --
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但——（笑聲）
08:55
(Laughter)
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那是我祖母的幽默感。
08:56
is my grandmother's sense of humor.
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2336
08:59
But the person I felt
most akin to in the world
most akin to in the world
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但，我覺得全世界
和我最相似的人，
和我最相似的人，
09:01
was a mother, a grandmother,
a great-grandmother,
a great-grandmother,
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她是位母親、祖母、
曾祖母、曾曾祖母。
曾祖母、曾曾祖母。
09:04
a great-great-grandmother.
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09:05
Me? I represented the very end
of my branch of the family tree.
of my branch of the family tree.
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我呢？我代表著家譜
這顆大樹的分枝末端。
這顆大樹的分枝末端。
09:10
And I wasn't entirely sure
I was still connected to the trunk.
I was still connected to the trunk.
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我還不能完全確定
我仍然和主幹連接在一起。
我仍然和主幹連接在一起。
09:14
What was the purpose of my human?
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我人生的目的是什麼？
09:17
The year after my grandmother's death
was the most intensely creative
was the most intensely creative
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4842
我祖母過世後的那一年，
是我人生中創意最劇烈的一年。
09:22
of my life.
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09:24
And I suppose that's because,
at an end, my thoughts gather
at an end, my thoughts gather
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3406
我猜想，原因是因為，在最後，
我的想法聚集的比散落的還多。
09:27
more than they scatter.
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1457
09:29
My thought process is not linear.
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我的思想過程不是線性的。
09:31
I'm a visual thinker. I see my thoughts.
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2515
我是個視覺性思考者。
我會看見我的想法。
我會看見我的想法。
09:34
I don't have a photographic memory,
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1759
我沒有相機般清晰的記憶力，
我的腦袋也不是
我的腦袋也不是
09:36
and nor is my head a static gallery
of sensibly collected think pieces.
of sensibly collected think pieces.
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理性收集想法片段的靜態畫廊。
09:42
It's more that I've got this ever-evolving
language of hieroglyphics
language of hieroglyphics
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比較像是我有一種我自己發展出來、
不斷演化的象形文字語言，
09:47
that I've developed
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575031
1153
我可以用這種語言
快速理解和深刻思考，
快速理解和深刻思考，
09:48
and can understand fluently
and think deeply with.
and think deeply with.
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3708
但我難以翻譯它。
09:51
but I struggle to translate.
204
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1773
09:54
I can't paint, draw, sculpt,
or even haberdash,
or even haberdash,
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3320
我不會畫畫、描繪、
雕塑，或甚至縫紉，
雕塑，或甚至縫紉，
09:57
and as for the written word,
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至於書寫的文字，
10:00
I'm OK at it but it's a tortuous
process of translation,
process of translation,
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5186
我還可以，
但那是個很迂迴的翻譯過程，
10:05
and I don't feel it does the job.
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且我不覺得它有效。
10:08
And as far as speaking my own mind,
like I said, I'm not great at it.
like I said, I'm not great at it.
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至於說出我的內心話，
就像我先前說的，我不擅長。
就像我先前說的，我不擅長。
10:12
Speech has always felt
like an inadequate freeze-frame
like an inadequate freeze-frame
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總覺得演說就像是把我內在的生命
10:16
for the life inside of me.
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做了個不恰當的定格。
10:18
All this to say,
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說這些的意思是，我所能了解的，
10:20
I've always understood far more
than I've ever been able to communicate.
than I've ever been able to communicate.
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4910
向來都遠多過我所能傳達的。
10:25
Now, about a year before Grandma died,
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2085
大約在我祖母過世前一年，
10:28
I was formally diagnosed with autism.
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3042
我被正式診斷出自閉症。
10:31
Now for me, that was mostly good news.
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2111
對我來說，那算是好消息。
10:34
I always thought that I couldn't
sort my life out like a normal person
sort my life out like a normal person
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4743
我總是認為我無法像
正常人一樣理清我的生活，
正常人一樣理清我的生活，
10:39
because I was depressed and anxious.
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2646
因為我感到憂鬱和焦慮。
10:41
But it turns out
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1454
但，結果發現，
10:43
I was depressed and anxious
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1573
我之所以感到憂鬱和焦慮，
10:44
because I couldn't sort my life out
like a normal person,
like a normal person,
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3295
是因為我無法像正常人
一樣理清我的生活，
一樣理清我的生活，
10:48
because I was not a normal person,
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2337
是因為我不是正常人，
10:50
and I didn't know it.
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1739
而我過去並不知道。
10:52
Now, this is not to say
I still don't struggle.
I still don't struggle.
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2209
這並不是說我現在就很順遂。
10:54
Every day is a bit of a struggle,
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1704
老實說我每天都還是有些掙扎，
10:56
to be honest.
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1159
但至少，現在我知道
我在掙扎什麼，
我在掙扎什麼，
10:57
But at least now I know
what my struggle is,
what my struggle is,
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3018
11:00
and getting to the starting line
of normal is not it.
of normal is not it.
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3454
並不是要前往正常的起跑線。
11:03
My struggle is not to escape the storm.
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我的掙扎並不是要逃離暴風。
11:06
My struggle is to find the eye
of the storm as best I can.
of the storm as best I can.
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我的掙扎是要盡可能找到暴風眼。
11:11
Now, apart from the usual way
us spectrum types find our calm --
us spectrum types find our calm --
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除了我們這種人讓自己
冷靜的常見方式——
冷靜的常見方式——
11:16
repetitive behaviors, routine
and obsessive thinking --
and obsessive thinking --
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3922
重覆的行為、例行公事、
強迫的執念——
強迫的執念——
11:20
I have another surprising doorway
into the eye of the storm:
into the eye of the storm:
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我還有另一種讓人驚訝的門路
可以進入暴風眼：
11:26
stand-up comedy.
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1736
即興演出喜劇。
11:28
And if you need any more proof
I'm neurodivergent, yes,
I'm neurodivergent, yes,
235
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3629
如果各位還需要更多證據
來證明我有神經多樣性，是的，
來證明我有神經多樣性，是的，
11:31
I am calm doing a thing
that scares the hell out of most people.
that scares the hell out of most people.
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讓我冷靜的方式就是在做這件
會讓大部分人緊張得要死的事情。
會讓大部分人緊張得要死的事情。
11:36
I'm almost dead inside up here.
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我現在在台上，
內在幾乎跟死了一樣。
內在幾乎跟死了一樣。
11:39
(Laughter)
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3799
（笑聲）
11:43
Diagnosis gave me a framework
on which to hang bits of me
on which to hang bits of me
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3904
診斷給了我一個框架，
讓我可以把我不了解的
自己掛在上面，
自己掛在上面，
11:47
I could never understand.
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1488
11:48
My misfit suddenly had a fit,
241
696512
2141
我的不相容突然間有了個
相容之處，有段時間，
相容之處，有段時間，
11:50
and for a while, I got giddy
with a newfound confidence
with a newfound confidence
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2701
我在我的想法中新找到的
自信還讓我頭昏眼花。
自信還讓我頭昏眼花。
11:53
I had in my thinking.
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2018
11:55
But after Grandma died,
that confidence took a dive,
that confidence took a dive,
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3135
但在祖母過世後，
那種信心沉入了海底，
那種信心沉入了海底，
11:59
because thinking is how I grieve.
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3471
因為思考是我哀悼的方式。
12:03
And in that grief of thought,
246
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1700
在那哀悼的思考中，
12:04
I could suddenly see with so much clarity
247
712855
3089
我突然可以清楚地看見，
12:07
just how profoundly isolated I was
and always had been.
and always had been.
248
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4833
過去一直以來，
我的孤立有多麼深刻。
我的孤立有多麼深刻。
12:14
What was the purpose of my human?
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722168
3573
我人生的目的是什麼？
12:18
I began to think a lot about how autism
and PTSD have so much in common.
and PTSD have so much in common.
250
726644
6051
我開始花很多心思去想，
自閉症和創傷後壓力症候群有多雷同。
12:24
And I started to worry,
251
732719
1638
我開始擔心，
12:26
because I had both.
252
734381
1732
因為我兩種都有。
12:28
Could I ever untangle them?
253
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3195
我有可能解開它們嗎？
12:32
I'd always been told
that the way out of trauma
that the way out of trauma
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2402
大家總是告訴我，
要走出創傷的方式，
要走出創傷的方式，
12:34
was through a cohesive narrative.
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2618
就是要透過平鋪直敘的故事。
12:37
I had a cohesive narrative,
256
745567
2597
我有平鋪直敘的故事，
12:40
but I was still at the mercy
of my traumas.
of my traumas.
257
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2347
但我仍然被我的創傷所擺佈。
12:43
They're all part of my soup,
but the onions still stung.
but the onions still stung.
258
751301
3843
它們都是我的湯的一部分，
但洋蔥仍然很刺鼻。
但洋蔥仍然很刺鼻。
12:47
And at that point, I realized
259
755168
2504
在那個時點，我了解到，
12:49
that I'd been telling
my stories for laughs.
my stories for laughs.
260
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2696
過去，我講我的故事
一直是為了搏君一笑。
一直是為了搏君一笑。
12:52
I'd been trimming away the darkness,
cutting away the pain
cutting away the pain
261
760416
2838
我總會把黑暗的部分
修剪掉，把痛苦除去，
修剪掉，把痛苦除去，
12:55
and holding on to my trauma
for the comfort of my audience.
for the comfort of my audience.
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763278
4068
緊抓著我的創傷，
來安慰我的觀眾。
來安慰我的觀眾。
13:00
I was connecting
other people through laughs,
other people through laughs,
263
768021
2393
我用「笑」來連結其他人，
13:02
yet I remained profoundly disconnected.
264
770438
3263
但我卻仍然十分孤立。
13:05
What was the purpose of my human?
265
773725
3146
我人生的目的是什麼？
13:08
I did not have an answer,
266
776895
1738
我沒有答案，
13:10
but I had an idea.
267
778657
1945
但我有個想法。
13:12
I had an idea to tell my truth,
268
780626
2326
我的想法是說出我的事實真相，
13:16
all of it,
269
784032
1715
全部的真相，
13:17
not to share laughs but to share
the literal, visceral pain of my trauma.
the literal, visceral pain of my trauma.
270
785771
5230
不是分享笑料，
而是分享我的創傷造成的痛苦，
真實、自內心深處的痛苦。
真實、自內心深處的痛苦。
13:23
And I thought the best way to do that
would be through a comedy show.
would be through a comedy show.
271
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3307
要做到這一點，我認為最好的
做法就是用即興喜劇表演。
做法就是用即興喜劇表演。
13:26
And that is what I did.
272
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1847
我確實這麼做了。
13:28
I wrote a comedy show
that did not respect the punchline,
that did not respect the punchline,
273
796227
3736
我寫了一部不尊重點睛之處的喜劇，
13:31
that line where comedians are expected
and trusted to pull their punches
and trusted to pull their punches
274
799987
3700
大家都期望、相信喜劇演員
會在那些點睛之處
會在那些點睛之處
將重擊轉換為逗趣。
13:35
and turn them into tickles.
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13:37
I did not stop.
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我並沒有停下來，
我讓重擊躍過了那條線，
我讓重擊躍過了那條線，
13:38
I punched through that line
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13:40
into the metaphorical guts of my audience.
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就像是直接擊中了
我觀眾的五臟六腑。
我觀眾的五臟六腑。
13:43
I did not want to make them laugh.
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我並不想讓他們發笑。
13:46
I wanted to take their breath away,
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我想要讓他們摒息凝神，
13:49
to shock them,
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想要震驚他們，這樣他們
才會傾聽我的故事，
才會傾聽我的故事，
13:50
so they could listen to my story
and hold my pain
and hold my pain
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感受我的痛苦，
13:54
as individuals, not
as a mindless, laughing mob.
as a mindless, laughing mob.
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以個人的身分傾聽，
而不是無腦大笑的大眾。
而不是無腦大笑的大眾。
13:58
And that's what I did,
and I called that show "Nanette."
and I called that show "Nanette."
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我就這麼做了，
這部作品叫做《娜內特》。
這部作品叫做《娜內特》。
14:02
Now, many --
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許多人——
14:03
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
14:09
Now, many have argued
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許多人爭辯說
14:11
that "Nanette" is not a comedy show.
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《娜內特》不是喜劇。
14:14
And while I can agree "Nanette"
is definitely not a comedy show,
is definitely not a comedy show,
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雖然我能同意《娜內特》
絕對不是喜劇，
絕對不是喜劇，
14:19
those people are still wrong --
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但那些人仍然錯了——
14:20
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
14:22
because they have framed their argument
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因為他們築造他們這項論點的方式
14:24
as a way of saying I failed to do comedy.
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就好像在說我的喜劇表演失敗了。
14:28
I did not fail to do comedy.
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我的喜劇表演並沒有失敗。
14:32
I took everything I knew about comedy --
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我用上了我對喜劇所知的一切——
14:35
all the tricks, the tools, the know-how --
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所有的技倆、工具、專業知識——
14:38
I took all that, and with it,
I broke comedy.
I broke comedy.
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我全都用上了，
我用它們來打破喜劇。
我用它們來打破喜劇。
14:42
You cannot break comedy with comedy
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如果你的喜劇表演失敗了，
你就不可能用喜劇打破喜劇。
14:44
if you fail at comedy.
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14:47
Flaccid be thy hammer.
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你的棒槌太弱了。
14:49
(Laughter) (Applause)
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（笑聲）（掌聲）
14:55
That was not my point.
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那不是我的重點。
14:57
The point was not simply to break comedy.
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重點不是要打破喜劇。
15:01
The point was to break comedy
so I could rebuild it and reshape it,
so I could rebuild it and reshape it,
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重點是要打破喜劇，
讓我可以重建它、重塑它、
讓我可以重建它、重塑它、
15:05
reform it into something
that could better hold everything
that could better hold everything
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重造它，讓我更能用它來分享
我想分享的一切，
15:09
I needed to share,
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15:11
and that is what I meant
when I said I quit comedy.
when I said I quit comedy.
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我剛才說放棄喜劇，就是這個意思。
15:16
Now, it's probably at this point
where you're going, "Yeah, cool,
where you're going, "Yeah, cool,
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此時，你大概會想問：
「好啊，很酷，
「好啊，很酷，
但這三個想法到底是什麼？
15:20
but what are the three ideas, exactly?
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15:22
It's a bit vague."
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有點模糊。」
15:24
I'm glad I pretended you asked.
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很高興我假裝你們問了。
15:26
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
（一般是說：很高興你們問了。）
（一般是說：很高興你們問了。）
15:30
Now, I'm sure there's quite a few of you
who have already identified three ideas.
who have already identified three ideas.
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我相信在座有些人
已經找出了這三個想法。
15:36
A smart crowd, by all accounts,
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從各方面來說，你們都是
很聰明的一群觀眾，
很聰明的一群觀眾，
15:39
so I wouldn't be surprised at all.
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所以我完全不感到意外。
15:41
But you might be surprised to find out
that I don't have three ideas.
that I don't have three ideas.
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3972
但你們可能會很驚訝，
因為我沒有三個想法。
因為我沒有三個想法。
15:45
I told you I had three ideas,
and that was a lie.
and that was a lie.
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我之前告訴各位我有
三個想法，那是我說謊。
三個想法，那是我說謊。
15:48
That was pure misdirection --
I'm very funny.
I'm very funny.
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那完全是誤導——我非常好笑。
15:51
What I've done instead is I've taken
whole handfuls of my ideas as seeds,
whole handfuls of my ideas as seeds,
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我所做的反而是，
把我的想法當成種子
一樣，整把抓起來，
一樣，整把抓起來，
15:58
and I've scattered them
all throughout my talk.
all throughout my talk.
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散播在這場演說的各處。
16:02
And why did I do that?
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我為什麼要這麼做？
16:03
Well, apart from shits and giggles,
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除了做爽之外，
16:06
it comes down to something
my grandma always used to say.
my grandma always used to say.
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可歸結為我祖母常說的一句話：
16:11
"It's not the garden,
it's the gardening that counts."
it's the gardening that counts."
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「重要的不是花園，
而是從事園藝。」
而是從事園藝。」
16:16
And "Nanette" taught me
the truth to that truism.
the truth to that truism.
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《娜內特》教了我
那自明之理的真相。
那自明之理的真相。
16:20
I fully expected by breaking
the contract of comedy
the contract of comedy
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我完全預期，透過打破喜劇的契約，
16:23
and telling my story
in all its truth and pain
in all its truth and pain
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以及說出我的故事的真相與痛苦，
16:28
that that would push me further
into the margins of both life and art.
into the margins of both life and art.
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就能夠將我進一步推向
人生和藝術的邊緣。
人生和藝術的邊緣。
16:33
I expected that, and I was willing to pay
that cost in order to tell my truth.
that cost in order to tell my truth.
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我預期會那樣，且我願意
付出代價來說出我的真相。
付出代價來說出我的真相。
16:40
But that is not what happened.
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但，發生的經過並非如此。
16:42
The world did not push me away.
It pulled me closer.
It pulled me closer.
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世界並沒有把我推開，
它把我拉近了。
它把我拉近了。
16:47
Through an act of disconnection,
I found connection.
I found connection.
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透過切斷連結的行為，
我找到了連結。
我找到了連結。
16:51
And it took me a long time to understand
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我花了很長的時間才了解
16:53
that what is at the heart
of that contradiction
of that contradiction
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那種矛盾的核心，
16:56
is also at the heart of the contradiction
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也正是「我如此擅長
做我不擅長的事」
做我不擅長的事」
16:59
as to why I can be so good
at something I am so bad at.
at something I am so bad at.
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這個矛盾的核心。
17:05
You see, in the real world,
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要知道，在真實世界中，
我要和人談話都有困難，
我要和人談話都有困難，
17:07
I struggle to talk to people
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17:08
because my neurodiversity
makes it difficult for me to think,
makes it difficult for me to think,
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因為我的神經多樣性
讓我很難將思考、
讓我很難將思考、
17:16
listen, speak and process new information
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傾聽、說話，及處理新資訊，
17:18
all at the same time.
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在同時進行。
17:20
But onstage, I don't have to think.
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但在台上，我不用思考。
17:22
I prepare my thinks well in advance.
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我在事前就已經
把我的思考準備好了。
把我的思考準備好了。
17:25
I don't have to listen. That is your job.
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我不用聽。那是你們的工作。
17:28
(Laughter)
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（笑聲）
17:29
And I don't really have to talk,
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我其實也不用說話，
17:32
because, strictly speaking, I'm reciting.
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因為，嚴格來說，我是在背誦。
17:35
So all that is left
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所以，我剩下要做的就只有
17:38
is for me to do my best
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盡力而為，
17:41
to make a genuine connection
with my audience.
with my audience.
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和觀眾有真實的連結。
17:47
And if the experience of "Nanette"
taught me anything,
taught me anything,
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如果《娜內特》的經驗
有讓我學到什麼，
有讓我學到什麼，
17:50
it's that connection depends
not just on me.
not just on me.
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那就是，連結靠的不只是我一個人。
17:55
You play a part.
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你們也扮演了一個角色。
17:59
"Nanette" may have begun in me,
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也許《娜內特》是始於我的內在，
18:02
but she now lives and grows
in a whole world of other minds,
in a whole world of other minds,
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但她現在生活、成長
在全世界其他人的腦中，
在全世界其他人的腦中，
18:06
minds I do not share.
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有別於我的腦中。
18:08
But I trust I am connected.
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但我相信我和那個世界有所連結。
18:12
And in that, she is so much
bigger than me,
bigger than me,
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在那裡，她比我還要大很多，
18:15
just like the purpose of being human
is so much bigger than all of us.
is so much bigger than all of us.
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就像人生的目的，
比我們所有人都還要大很多。
比我們所有人都還要大很多。
18:21
Make of that what you will.
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要怎麼想由你們自己決定。
18:22
Thank you, and hello.
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非常謝謝，以及「哈囉」。
18:24
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Hannah Gadsby - Serious comedianHannah Gadsby skewers the straight world's dismissal and outright hostility toward the LGBTQ community in her stand-up sets, stage performances and television shows.
Why you should listen
How would Hannah Gadsby describe herself to a teenager at a dinner party? "I am a stand-up comedian from Tasmania. Courtesy of my Netflix special, Nanette, released last year, I have found some rather sudden fame, and I am deeply uncomfortable with so much positive attention. Prior to said special, I had spent a decade or so quietly working my way round the live stand-up circuit in Australia and the UK and had thought of my career as a reasonably successful situation. I am yet to recalibrate my definition of success since the event known as 'said special.'
"I am on the spectrum. I have two dogs whom I love deeply. I enjoy gardening. And I am so sorry you are sitting next to me, teenager."
Gadsby is also on the cast of Please Like Me on Hulu.
Hannah Gadsby | Speaker | TED.com