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Julie Lythcott-Haims: How to raise successful kids -- without over-parenting
朱莉·利斯科特-海姆斯: 正确的教育方式－避免过度呵护
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给孩子过高的期望，事无巨细的管理孩子的生活，这样的养育方式适得其反。至少朱莉·利斯科特-海姆斯这么认为。这位前斯坦福新生学院院长，用激情和诙谐的语言，讲述了家长不应该用成绩和分数来定义孩子的成功，反而，应该专注在一个传统的想法：给予无条件的爱。
Julie Lythcott-Haims - Academic, author
Julie Lythcott-Haims speaks and writes on the phenomenon of helicopter parenting and the dangers of a checklisted childhood -- the subject of her book, "How to Raise an Adult." Full bio
Julie Lythcott-Haims speaks and writes on the phenomenon of helicopter parenting and the dangers of a checklisted childhood -- the subject of her book, "How to Raise an Adult." Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
You know, I didn't set out
to be a parenting expert.
to be a parenting expert.
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我从没想过做一个育儿专家，
事实上，我本身对育儿也没什么兴趣。
00:16
In fact, I'm not very interested
in parenting, per Se.
in parenting, per Se.
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00:21
It's just that there's a certain style
of parenting these days
of parenting these days
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只是因为当今有一种育儿方式，
会把孩子搞得一团糟，
00:25
that is kind of messing up kids,
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阻碍他们个人特质的培养。
00:28
impeding their chances
to develop into theirselves.
to develop into theirselves.
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这种育儿方式，
00:33
There's a certain style
of parenting these days
of parenting these days
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正大行其道。
00:35
that's getting in the way.
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我想说的是，
00:36
I guess what I'm saying is,
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我们花了很多精力去担心
00:38
we spend a lot of time
being very concerned
being very concerned
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父母没有足够参与到孩子的人生、
00:40
about parents who aren't involved enough
in the lives of their kids
in the lives of their kids
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教育以及养育过程中，
00:44
and their education or their upbringing,
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这理所当然。
00:46
and rightly so.
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00:48
But at the other end of the spectrum,
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但如果走上另一个极端，
也会有很多坏处，
00:50
there's a lot of harm
going on there as well,
going on there as well,
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比如家长认为，
孩子自己不可能成功，
孩子自己不可能成功，
00:53
where parents feel
a kid can't be successful
a kid can't be successful
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除非父母可以随时保护和纠正，
00:56
unless the parent is protecting
and preventing at every turn
and preventing at every turn
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关注孩子的每件小事，
掌控他们的每个细节，
掌控他们的每个细节，
01:00
and hovering over every happening,
and micromanaging every moment,
and micromanaging every moment,
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引导他们进入名牌大学，
找到好工作。
找到好工作。
01:03
and steering their kid towards
some small subset of colleges and careers.
some small subset of colleges and careers.
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01:10
When we raise kids this way,
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当我们这样养育孩子，
我用的是“我们”，
01:13
and I'll say we,
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因为上帝知道，
在养育我的两个十来岁孩子的时候，
在养育我的两个十来岁孩子的时候，
01:15
because Lord knows,
in raising my two teenagers,
in raising my two teenagers,
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我自己确实也有这种倾向，
01:17
I've had these tendencies myself,
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让我们的孩子过一种
清单式的童年。
清单式的童年。
01:20
our kids end up leading
a kind of checklisted childhood.
a kind of checklisted childhood.
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01:25
And here's what the checklisted
childhood looks like.
childhood looks like.
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清单式的生活，就是：
我们确保他们安全、健康、
01:27
We keep them safe and sound
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吃好、喝好，
01:30
and fed and watered,
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01:33
and then we want to be sure
they go to the right schools,
they go to the right schools,
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然后期望他们进入好学校，
并且是好学校的好班级，
01:36
that they're in the right classes
at the right schools,
at the right schools,
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在好学校好班级中还要取得好成绩。
01:38
and that they get the right grades
in the right classes in the right schools.
in the right classes in the right schools.
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并且不只是成绩，还要拿高分，
01:42
But not just the grades, the scores,
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不只要好成绩和高分，
还要获得荣誉和奖项，
还要获得荣誉和奖项，
01:44
and not just the grades and scores,
but the accolades and the awards
but the accolades and the awards
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要参加运动、活动、还要有领导力，
01:47
and the sports,
the activities, the leadership.
the activities, the leadership.
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我们告诉孩子，不要只是参加社团，
01:49
We tell our kids, don't just join a club,
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还要创建社团，
因为大学喜欢这样的学生。
因为大学喜欢这样的学生。
01:51
start a club, because colleges
want to see that.
want to see that.
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还要参加社区服务，
01:53
And check the box for community service.
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我的意思是，
要让大学看到你会关心他人。
要让大学看到你会关心他人。
01:55
I mean, show the colleges
you care about others.
you care about others.
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（笑声）
01:58
(Laughter)
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这些都是期望中的完美，
02:00
And all of this is done to some
hoped-for degree of perfection.
hoped-for degree of perfection.
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我们期望我们的孩子能做到完美，
02:05
We expect our kids
to perform at a level of perfection
to perform at a level of perfection
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而我们自己却从没做到过，
02:07
we were never asked
to perform at ourselves,
to perform at ourselves,
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因为有这么多要求，
02:11
and so because so much is required,
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我们就想，
02:13
we think,
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我们做父母的得和每个老师沟通，
02:14
well then, of course we parents
have to argue with every teacher
have to argue with every teacher
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和校长、教练、推荐人沟通，
02:17
and principal and coach and referee
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搞的像是孩子的管家，
02:20
and act like our kid's concierge
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像私人管家，
02:23
and personal handler
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02:25
and secretary.
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像秘书。
然后对孩子，我们宝贵的孩子，
02:27
And then with our kids, our precious kids,
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我们要花心思来督促、
02:29
we spend so much time nudging,
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哄骗、暗示、帮忙、唠叨、甚至讨价还价，
02:32
cajoling, hinting, helping, haggling,
nagging as the case may be,
nagging as the case may be,
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确保他们不会在顶尖大学
申请这件事上搞砸，
申请这件事上搞砸，
02:36
to be sure they're not screwing up,
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或者故步自封，
02:39
not closing doors,
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或者毁了自己的未来，
02:41
not ruining their future,
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即使那些大学
02:44
some hoped-for admission
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02:46
to a tiny handful of colleges
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在招生时
02:49
that deny almost every applicant.
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几乎是万里挑一。
02:54
And here's what it feels like
to be a kid in this checklisted childhood.
to be a kid in this checklisted childhood.
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那么在清单式童年中长大的孩子
是怎样的呢。
是怎样的呢。
首先，他们没有自由玩耍的时间，
03:00
First of all, there's
no time for free play.
no time for free play.
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整个下午都没有空闲，
03:02
There's no room in the afternoons,
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因为我们觉得任何事都要充实起来。
03:04
because everything
has to be enriching, we think.
has to be enriching, we think.
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就好像每一项作业、
每个测验、每个活动，
每个测验、每个活动，
03:07
It's as if every piece of homework,
every quiz, every activity
every quiz, every activity
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都对于我们为他们
规划好的未来成败攸关。
规划好的未来成败攸关。
03:10
is a make-or-break moment
for this future we have in mind for them,
for this future we have in mind for them,
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我们不让他们做家务，
03:15
and we absolve them
of helping out around the house,
of helping out around the house,
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甚至不让他们有充足睡眠，
03:18
and we even absolve them
of getting enough sleep
of getting enough sleep
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只需要他们把清单上的事情做好。
03:21
as long as they're checking off
the items on their checklist.
the items on their checklist.
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在清单式童年中，
我们口头上希望他们开心，
我们口头上希望他们开心，
03:26
And in the checklisted childhood,
we say we just want them to be happy,
we say we just want them to be happy,
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但当他们放学回家，
03:30
but when they come home from school,
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我们通常第一时间询问他们的
03:32
what we ask about all too often first
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却是作业和成绩。
03:35
is their homework and their grades.
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他们从我们脸上看到的，
03:38
And they see in our faces
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我们的认可，我们的爱，
03:40
that our approval, that our love,
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看到的他们的价值，
03:43
that their very worth,
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却是来自成绩单上的 A。
03:45
comes from A's.
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和他们走在一起的时候，
03:46
And then we walk alongside them
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我们就像威斯敏斯特宠物展上的
训狗员一样表扬他们，
训狗员一样表扬他们，
03:49
and offer clucking praise like a trainer
at the Westminster Dog Show --
at the Westminster Dog Show --
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（笑声）
03:54
(Laughter)
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哄他们跳得再高一点，再远一点，
03:55
coaxing them to just jump a little higher
and soar a little farther,
and soar a little farther,
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日复一日。
04:00
day after day after day.
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04:03
And when they get to high school,
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等上了高中，
他们不会问，“我该对哪些课程，
04:05
they don't say, "Well, what might I
be interested in studying
be interested in studying
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哪些活动感兴趣呢？”
04:08
or doing as an activity?"
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他们只会去问辅导员，
04:09
They go to counselors and they say,
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“我要怎么做才能进入好大学？”
04:11
"What do I need to do
to get into the right college?"
to get into the right college?"
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然后，当他们拿到成绩单，
04:15
And then, when the grades
start to roll in in high school,
start to roll in in high school,
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如果拿了几个 B，
04:18
and they're getting some B's,
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甚至是可怕的 C，
04:19
or God forbid some C's,
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他们会狂躁的给朋友发短信，
04:22
they frantically text their friends
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“有谁考这个分数进了好大学吗？”
04:24
and say, "Has anyone ever gotten
into the right college with these grades?"
into the right college with these grades?"
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04:29
And our kids,
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我们的孩子，
无论高中毕业时结果怎样，
04:31
regardless of where they end up
at the end of high school,
at the end of high school,
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都被压得喘不过气，
04:35
they're breathless.
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04:37
They're brittle.
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心理脆弱，
精疲力竭。
04:38
They're a little burned out.
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他们比实际年龄更老成，
04:40
They're a little old before their time,
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盼望着大人告诉他们，
“你已经做得够多了，
“你已经做得够多了，
04:42
wishing the grown-ups in their lives
had said, "What you've done is enough,
had said, "What you've done is enough,
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小时候这么努力已经足够了。”
04:46
this effort you've put forth
in childhood is enough."
in childhood is enough."
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他们现在却在高分的焦虑
和沮丧中慢慢枯萎，
和沮丧中慢慢枯萎，
04:49
And they're withering now
under high rates of anxiety and depression
under high rates of anxiety and depression
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有的孩子会想，
04:53
and some of them are wondering,
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这样的人生最后究竟有没有意义？
04:55
will this life ever turn out
to have been worth it?
to have been worth it?
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05:01
Well, we parents,
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我们做父母的，
当然认为这都有意义。
05:03
we parents are pretty sure
it's all worth it.
it's all worth it.
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我们所表现出来的，
05:06
We seem to behave --
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就像如果他们进不去我们期望的
05:08
it's like we literally think
they will have no future
they will have no future
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这几所好大学，或者找不到好工作，
05:10
if they don't get into one of these
tiny set of colleges or careers
tiny set of colleges or careers
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05:15
we have in mind for them.
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他们就没有未来。
或者，只是我们认为
05:17
Or maybe, maybe, we're just afraid
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可以在朋友面前炫耀，
05:21
they won't have a future we can brag about
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或者只是贴在车屁股上的未来。
05:23
to our friends and with stickers
on the backs of our cars.
on the backs of our cars.
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05:29
Yeah.
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就是这样。
（掌声）
05:30
(Applause)
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05:36
But if you look at what we've done,
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但如果你看看这件事的后果，
如果你有勇气看的话，
05:39
if you have the courage
to really look at it,
to really look at it,
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你会发现这不只让孩子认为
05:43
you'll see that not only do our kids
think their worth comes
think their worth comes
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他们的价值来自于成绩和分数，
05:46
from grades and scores,
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更是在他们正在成长的意识里，
05:47
but that when we live right up inside
their precious developing minds
their precious developing minds
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就像我们自己的电影《傀儡人生》一样，
05:51
all the time, like our very own version
of the movie "Being John Malkovich,"
of the movie "Being John Malkovich,"
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我们给孩子传递了一个信号：
05:56
we send our children the message:
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“嘿，孩子，没有我你什么都干不成。”
05:58
"Hey kid, I don't think you can actually
achieve any of this without me."
achieve any of this without me."
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随着我们的过度帮助，
06:03
And so with our overhelp,
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过度保护，过度指导和过度关怀，
06:06
our overprotection
and overdirection and hand-holding,
and overdirection and hand-holding,
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我们剥夺了孩子
建立自我能效的机会，
建立自我能效的机会，
06:08
we deprive our kids
of the chance to build self-efficacy,
of the chance to build self-efficacy,
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自我能效是人类心智的重要准则，
06:12
which is a really fundamental tenet
of the human psyche,
of the human psyche,
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远比通过父母赞美建立起的自尊
06:16
far more important
than that self-esteem they get
than that self-esteem they get
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更重要。
06:19
every time we applaud.
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06:21
Self-efficacy is built when one sees
that one's own actions lead to outcomes,
that one's own actions lead to outcomes,
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自我能效是当一个人看到自己的行动
能产生成果而建立起来的，
能产生成果而建立起来的，
06:27
not --
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而不是…
你们先吧。
06:28
There you go.
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（掌声）
06:29
(Applause)
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06:33
Not one's parents'
actions on one's behalf,
actions on one's behalf,
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而不是父母代表他们做出的行动，
是他们自己的行动能产生结果。
06:37
but when one's own actions
lead to outcomes.
lead to outcomes.
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06:40
So simply put,
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简而言之，
06:41
if our children are to develop
self-efficacy, and they must,
self-efficacy, and they must,
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如果我们的孩子要建立，
他们也必须建立自我能效，
他们也必须建立自我能效，
就需要更多的为他们自己的人生
06:47
then they have to do a whole lot more
of the thinking, planning, deciding,
of the thinking, planning, deciding,
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06:51
doing, hoping, coping, trial and error,
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做更多思考、规划、决定、
06:55
dreaming and experiencing of life
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行动、期望、应对、试验、犯错、
06:58
for themselves.
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梦想以及体验。
07:01
Now, am I saying
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我现在是不是在说，
每个孩子都很努力，都很积极，
07:03
every kid is hard-working and motivated
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都不需要对他们的人生有干涉和关心，
07:06
and doesn't need a parent's involvement
or interest in their lives,
or interest in their lives,
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我们应该退后，任其发展呢？
07:09
and we should just back off and let go?
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07:12
Hell no.
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当然不是。
（笑声）
07:13
(Laughter)
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这不是我想说的。
07:14
That is not what I'm saying.
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我想说的是，当我们把成绩、
分数、荣誉和奖励
分数、荣誉和奖励
07:16
What I'm saying is, when we treat
grades and scores and accolades and awards
grades and scores and accolades and awards
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看做他们童年的奋斗目标，
07:19
as the purpose of childhood,
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当我们代孩子
去追求进入理想中的大学，
去追求进入理想中的大学，
07:22
all in furtherance of some hoped-for
admission to a tiny number of colleges
admission to a tiny number of colleges
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找到理想的工作，
07:25
or entrance to a small number of careers,
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这种对于成功的定义太过狭隘。
07:28
that that's too narrow a definition
of success for our kids.
of success for our kids.
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即使我们可以通过
这种过度帮助来让他们
这种过度帮助来让他们
07:33
And even though we might help them
achieve some short-term wins
achieve some short-term wins
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获得一些短期的成功——
07:36
by overhelping --
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07:38
like they get a better grade
if we help them do their homework,
if we help them do their homework,
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比如帮他们做作业而拿到的好成绩，
07:42
they might end up with a longer
childhood résumé when we help --
childhood résumé when we help --
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在我们的帮助下，他们可能
会有一个更好看的童年简历，
会有一个更好看的童年简历，
07:47
what I'm saying is that all of this
comes at a long-term cost
comes at a long-term cost
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我要说的是，这些会让他们
07:50
to their sense of self.
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在自我认知上付出长期的代价。
我要说的是，
我们应该更少关注
我们应该更少关注
07:52
What I'm saying is,
we should be less concerned
we should be less concerned
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07:55
with the specific set of colleges
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具体哪些名牌大学
07:56
they might be able
to apply to or might get into
to apply to or might get into
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他们应该申请或进入，
而更多关注他们的
习惯、心态、技能、身心健康，
习惯、心态、技能、身心健康，
08:00
and far more concerned that they have
the habits, the mindset, the skill set,
the habits, the mindset, the skill set,
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有了这些，
他们才能在哪儿都成功。
他们才能在哪儿都成功。
08:05
the wellness, to be successful
wherever they go.
wherever they go.
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我要说的是，
08:10
What I'm saying is,
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孩子需要我们
少一点痴迷于成绩和分数，
少一点痴迷于成绩和分数，
08:11
our kids need us to be a little
less obsessed with grades and scores
less obsessed with grades and scores
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而将重点放在打造
08:15
and a whole lot more interested
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一个能帮助他们为
成功奠基的童年上，
成功奠基的童年上，
08:18
in childhood providing
a foundation for their success
a foundation for their success
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比如，爱，
08:23
built on things like love
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08:27
and chores.
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比如，做家务。
08:28
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
（掌声）
08:30
(Applause)
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08:35
Did I just say chores?
Did I just say chores? I really did.
Did I just say chores? I really did.
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我刚才是说做家务么？
确实是的。
确实是的。
08:39
But really, here's why.
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说真的，这是有理由的。
08:43
The longest longitudinal study
of humans ever conducted
of humans ever conducted
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史上历时最长的人类研究
被称作哈弗格兰特研究。
08:46
is called the Harvard Grant Study.
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这项研究发现，专业上的成功，
08:49
It found that professional
success in life,
success in life,
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也就是我们期望孩子达到的，
08:51
which is what we want for our kids,
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取决于小时候做的杂活，
08:54
that professional success in life
comes from having done chores as a kid,
comes from having done chores as a kid,
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越早开始越好，
08:57
and the earlier you started, the better,
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这种挽起袖子开干的心态，
08:59
that a roll-up-your-sleeves-
and-pitch-in mindset,
and-pitch-in mindset,
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这种心态代表着：
可能有些不想做的工作，
可能有些不想做的工作，
09:02
a mindset that says,
there's some unpleasant work,
there's some unpleasant work,
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总要有人去完成它，
这个人也可能就是我，
这个人也可能就是我，
09:04
someone's got to do it,
it might as well be me,
it might as well be me,
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这种心态代表着：
09:07
a mindset that says,
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我会尽力去改善整件事情，
09:08
I will contribute my effort
to the betterment of the whole,
to the betterment of the whole,
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这就是让你
在工作中获得先机的东西。
在工作中获得先机的东西。
09:11
that that's what gets you ahead
in the workplace.
in the workplace.
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我们都清楚这个道理，你们也都清楚。
09:14
Now, we all know this. You know this.
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（掌声）
09:17
(Applause)
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我们都已经清楚，
在清单式童年中，
在清单式童年中，
09:20
We all know this, and yet,
in the checklisted childhood,
in the checklisted childhood,
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我们不让孩子做家里的杂活，
09:23
we absolve our kids of doing
the work of chores around the house,
the work of chores around the house,
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当他们长大进入职场，
09:27
and then they end up
as young adults in the workplace
as young adults in the workplace
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还在等待一个清单，
09:30
still waiting for a checklist,
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但这个清单并不存在，
09:32
but it doesn't exist,
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更重要的是，他们缺乏动力和意识，
09:33
and more importantly,
lacking the impulse, the instinct
lacking the impulse, the instinct
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不能挽起袖子去开干，
09:37
to roll up their sleeves and pitch in
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不能望向四周，并心想，
我怎样才能帮上同事们的忙？
我怎样才能帮上同事们的忙？
09:39
and look around and wonder,
how can I be useful to my colleagues?
how can I be useful to my colleagues?
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没有能力去思考我怎样才能
提前一步预见到老板的要求？
提前一步预见到老板的要求？
09:43
How can I anticipate a few steps ahead
to what my boss might need?
to what my boss might need?
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09:48
A second very important finding
from the Harvard Grant Study
from the Harvard Grant Study
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哈弗格兰特研究的另一个重要发现，
09:52
said that happiness in life
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人生的幸福，
09:55
comes from love,
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来自于爱，
不是对工作的爱，
09:57
not love of work,
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是对人的爱：
09:59
love of humans:
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10:02
our spouse, our partner,
our friends, our family.
our friends, our family.
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我们的配偶，我们的伙伴，
我们的朋友，我们的家庭。
我们的朋友，我们的家庭。
10:06
So childhood needs to teach
our kids how to love,
our kids how to love,
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所以我们要教孩子如何去爱，
10:10
and they can't love others
if they don't first love themselves,
if they don't first love themselves,
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要爱别人，他们要先学会爱自己，
想要他们爱自己，
我们就要给予他们无条件的爱。
我们就要给予他们无条件的爱。
10:13
and they won't love themselves
if we can't offer them unconditional love.
if we can't offer them unconditional love.
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（掌声）
10:17
(Applause)
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10:21
Right.
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是的。
10:24
And so,
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所以，
放下对成绩和分数的痴迷，
10:26
instead of being obsessed
with grades and scores
with grades and scores
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当我们亲爱的孩子放学回家，
10:28
when our precious offspring
come home from school,
come home from school,
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或者我们下班回家，
10:31
or we come home from work,
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我们要关掉电子设备，
把手机放到一边，
把手机放到一边，
10:32
we need to close our technology,
put away our phones,
put away our phones,
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看着他们的眼睛，
10:35
and look them in the eye
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让他们看到我们脸上洋溢的喜悦，
10:36
and let them see
the joy that fills our faces
the joy that fills our faces
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就像第一次看到我们初生的孩子。
10:40
when we see our child
for the first time in a few hours.
for the first time in a few hours.
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然后我们应该说，
10:43
And then we have to say,
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“你今天过得怎样？
10:45
"How was your day?
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10:47
What did you like about today?"
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今天有什么高兴的事吗？”
然后你的女儿会说，“午饭”，
就像我女儿一样，
就像我女儿一样，
10:50
And when your teenage daughter
says, "Lunch," like mine did,
says, "Lunch," like mine did,
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但我想听到的是数学考试，
10:54
and I want to hear about the math test,
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不是午饭，
10:56
not lunch,
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但你还是得表现出对午饭的兴趣，
10:57
you have to still
take an interest in lunch.
take an interest in lunch.
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你应该说，
“今天的午饭哪里比较棒？”
“今天的午饭哪里比较棒？”
11:01
You gotta say, "What was great
about lunch today?"
about lunch today?"
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他们需要知道，
他们本身对我们很重要，
他们本身对我们很重要，
11:04
They need to know
they matter to us as humans,
they matter to us as humans,
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而不是他们的学习成绩。
11:07
not because of their GPA.
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11:11
All right, so you're thinking,
chores and love,
chores and love,
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好，你可能会想，家务和爱，
这听起来很好，但是得了吧。
11:13
that sounds all well and good,
but give me a break.
but give me a break.
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大学看的是好成绩、荣誉和奖项，
11:16
The colleges want to see
top scores and grades
top scores and grades
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11:19
and accolades and awards,
and I'm going to tell you, sort of.
and I'm going to tell you, sort of.
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我会告诉你们，是有那么点。
11:25
The very biggest brand-name schools
are asking that of our young adults,
are asking that of our young adults,
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那些最有名的学校需要这些，
但有个好消息。
11:31
but here's the good news.
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11:33
Contrary to what the college
rankings racket would have us believe --
rankings racket would have us believe --
227
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与大学排行榜传达的信息相反，
（掌声）
11:38
(Applause)
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11:44
you don't have to go to one
of the biggest brand name schools
of the biggest brand name schools
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你不需要为了人生的幸福和成功，
而一定要去那些最有名的学校。
11:46
to be happy and successful in life.
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幸福和成功的人们
也会来自于公立学校，
也会来自于公立学校，
11:48
Happy and successful people
went to state school,
went to state school,
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来自于没人听过的学院，
11:51
went to a small college
no one has heard of,
no one has heard of,
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来自于社区大学，
11:53
went to community college,
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来自于附近的学校甚至被退学。
11:55
went to a college over here
and flunked out.
and flunked out.
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（掌声）
11:58
(Applause)
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12:05
The evidence is in this room,
is in our communities,
is in our communities,
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证据就来自这个房间，
来自我们的社区，
来自我们的社区，
这就是事实。
12:08
that this is the truth.
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如果我们眼光放开一些，
12:09
And if we could widen our blinders
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愿意看一些别的大学，
12:11
and be willing to look
at a few more colleges,
at a few more colleges,
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抛开我们的偏见，
12:13
maybe remove our own egos
from the equation,
from the equation,
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我们会接受并拥抱这个事实，
并且意识到
并且意识到
12:17
we could accept and embrace
this truth and then realize,
this truth and then realize,
241
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我们的孩子考不上顶尖大学
12:21
it is hardly the end of the world
242
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1976
12:23
if our kids don't go to one
of those big brand-name schools.
of those big brand-name schools.
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并不是什么世界末日。
12:27
And more importantly,
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更重要的是，
如果孩子不在
严格的清单约束下长大，
严格的清单约束下长大，
12:29
if their childhood has not been lived
according to a tyrannical checklist
according to a tyrannical checklist
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等他们进入大学，
12:34
then when they get to college,
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不管什么大学，
12:36
whichever one it is,
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都是他们自主决定的，
12:38
well, they'll have gone there
on their own volition,
on their own volition,
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是他们自身渴望的，
12:41
fueled by their own desire,
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想要在那里有一番作为。
12:44
capable and ready to thrive there.
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12:49
I have to admit something to you.
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我得向你们坦白一些事。
12:51
I've got two kids I mentioned,
Sawyer and Avery.
Sawyer and Avery.
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我刚才提到我的两个孩子，
Sawyer 和 Avery，
Sawyer 和 Avery，
他们都十来岁。
12:54
They're teenagers.
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有一次，
12:56
And once upon a time,
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我觉得我对待我的 Sawyer 和 Avery，
12:58
I think I was treating my Sawyer and Avery
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就像对待盆栽一样——
13:01
like little bonsai trees --
256
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（笑声）
13:02
(Laughter)
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2336
我想要小心的把他们修修剪剪，
13:05
that I was going
to carefully clip and prune
to carefully clip and prune
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2936
塑造成完美的人，
13:08
and shape into some perfect
form of a human
form of a human
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完美到可以把他们送进
13:12
that might just be perfect enough
to warrant them admission
to warrant them admission
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最受欢迎的大学。
13:15
to one of the most
highly selective colleges.
highly selective colleges.
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13:19
But I've come to realize, after working
with thousands of other people's kids --
with thousands of other people's kids --
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但是，我在工作中接触了几千个
别人家的孩子，我才意识到——
别人家的孩子，我才意识到——
13:23
(Laughter)
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（笑声）
13:26
and raising two kids of my own,
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2320
我意识到我的两个孩子，
13:30
my kids aren't bonsai trees.
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2200
他们不是盆栽，
13:33
They're wildflowers
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他们是野花，
13:36
of an unknown genus and species --
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未知品种的野花——
（笑声）
13:39
(Laughter)
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我的工作是提供成长的环境，
13:41
and it's my job to provide
a nourishing environment,
a nourishing environment,
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通过家务和爱，让他们变得强大，
13:44
to strengthen them through chores
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13:47
and to love them so they can
love others and receive love
love others and receive love
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爱他们，他们才会爱别人，接受爱。
上大学、选专业、找工作，
13:51
and the college, the major, the career,
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都由他们自己。
13:54
that's up to them.
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我的工作不是把他们
变成我想要的样子，
变成我想要的样子，
13:56
My job is not to make them become
what I would have them become,
what I would have them become,
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而是支持他们做辉煌的自己。
14:01
but to support them
in becoming their glorious selves.
in becoming their glorious selves.
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14:07
Thank you.
276
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谢谢。
（掌声）
14:08
(Applause)
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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Julie Lythcott-Haims - Academic, authorJulie Lythcott-Haims speaks and writes on the phenomenon of helicopter parenting and the dangers of a checklisted childhood -- the subject of her book, "How to Raise an Adult."
Why you should listen
Julie Lythcott-Haims is the author of the New York Times best-selling book How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success. The book emerged from her decade as Stanford University's Dean of Freshmen, where she was known for her fierce advocacy for young adults and received the university's Lloyd W. Dinkelspiel Award for creating "the" atmosphere that defines the undergraduate experience. She was also known for her fierce critique of the growing trend of parental involvement in the day-to-day lives of college students. Toward the end of her tenure as dean, she began speaking and writing widely on the harm of helicopter parenting. How to Raise an Adult is being published in over two dozen countries and gave rise to her TED Talk and a sequel which will be out in 2018. In the meantime, Lythcott-Haims's memoir on race, Real American, will be out in Fall 2017.
Lythcott-Haims is a graduate of Stanford University, Harvard Law School, and California College of the Arts. She lives in Silicon Valley with her partner of over twenty-five years, their two teenagers and her mother.
Julie Lythcott-Haims | Speaker | TED.com