Julie Lythcott-Haims: How to raise successful kids -- without over-parenting
Julie Lythcott-Haims speaks and writes on the phenomenon of helicopter parenting and the dangers of a checklisted childhood -- the subject of her book, "How to Raise an Adult." Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
to be a parenting expert.
in parenting, per Se.
of parenting these days
to develop into theirselves.
of parenting these days
being very concerned
in the lives of their kids
going on there as well,
a kid can't be successful
and preventing at every turn
and micromanaging every moment,
some small subset of colleges and careers.
in raising my two teenagers,
a kind of checklisted childhood.
childhood looks like.
they go to the right schools,
at the right schools,
in the right classes in the right schools.
but the accolades and the awards
the activities, the leadership.
want to see that.
you care about others.
hoped-for degree of perfection.
to perform at a level of perfection
to perform at ourselves,
have to argue with every teacher
nagging as the case may be,
to be a kid in this checklisted childhood.
no time for free play.
has to be enriching, we think.
every quiz, every activity
for this future we have in mind for them,
of helping out around the house,
of getting enough sleep
the items on their checklist.
we say we just want them to be happy,
at the Westminster Dog Show --
and soar a little farther,
be interested in studying
to get into the right college?"
start to roll in in high school,
into the right college with these grades?"
at the end of high school,
had said, "What you've done is enough,
in childhood is enough."
under high rates of anxiety and depression
to have been worth it?
it's all worth it.
they will have no future
tiny set of colleges or careers
on the backs of our cars.
to really look at it,
think their worth comes
their precious developing minds
of the movie "Being John Malkovich,"
achieve any of this without me."
and overdirection and hand-holding,
of the chance to build self-efficacy,
of the human psyche,
than that self-esteem they get
that one's own actions lead to outcomes,
actions on one's behalf,
lead to outcomes.
self-efficacy, and they must,
of the thinking, planning, deciding,
or interest in their lives,
grades and scores and accolades and awards
admission to a tiny number of colleges
of success for our kids.
achieve some short-term wins
if we help them do their homework,
childhood résumé when we help --
comes at a long-term cost
we should be less concerned
to apply to or might get into
the habits, the mindset, the skill set,
wherever they go.
less obsessed with grades and scores
a foundation for their success
Did I just say chores? I really did.
of humans ever conducted
success in life,
comes from having done chores as a kid,
there's some unpleasant work,
it might as well be me,
to the betterment of the whole,
in the workplace.
in the checklisted childhood,
the work of chores around the house,
as young adults in the workplace
lacking the impulse, the instinct
how can I be useful to my colleagues?
to what my boss might need?
from the Harvard Grant Study
our friends, our family.
our kids how to love,
if they don't first love themselves,
if we can't offer them unconditional love.
with grades and scores
come home from school,
put away our phones,
the joy that fills our faces
for the first time in a few hours.
says, "Lunch," like mine did,
take an interest in lunch.
about lunch today?"
they matter to us as humans,
chores and love,
but give me a break.
top scores and grades
and I'm going to tell you, sort of.
are asking that of our young adults,
rankings racket would have us believe --
of the biggest brand name schools
went to state school,
no one has heard of,
and flunked out.
is in our communities,
at a few more colleges,
from the equation,
this truth and then realize,
of those big brand-name schools.
according to a tyrannical checklist
on their own volition,
Sawyer and Avery.
to carefully clip and prune
form of a human
to warrant them admission
highly selective colleges.
with thousands of other people's kids --
a nourishing environment,
love others and receive love
what I would have them become,
in becoming their glorious selves.
ABOUT THE SPEAKERJulie Lythcott-Haims - Academic, author
Julie Lythcott-Haims speaks and writes on the phenomenon of helicopter parenting and the dangers of a checklisted childhood -- the subject of her book, "How to Raise an Adult."
Why you should listen
Julie Lythcott-Haims is the author of the New York Times best-selling book How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success. The book emerged from her decade as Stanford University's Dean of Freshmen, where she was known for her fierce advocacy for young adults and received the university's Lloyd W. Dinkelspiel Award for creating "the" atmosphere that defines the undergraduate experience. She was also known for her fierce critique of the growing trend of parental involvement in the day-to-day lives of college students. Toward the end of her tenure as dean, she began speaking and writing widely on the harm of helicopter parenting. How to Raise an Adult is being published in over two dozen countries and gave rise to her TED Talk and a sequel which will be out in 2018. In the meantime, Lythcott-Haims's memoir on race, Real American, will be out in Fall 2017.
Lythcott-Haims is a graduate of Stanford University, Harvard Law School, and California College of the Arts. She lives in Silicon Valley with her partner of over twenty-five years, their two teenagers and her mother.
Julie Lythcott-Haims | Speaker | TED.com