ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Julie Lythcott-Haims - Academic, author
Julie Lythcott-Haims speaks and writes on the phenomenon of helicopter parenting and the dangers of a checklisted childhood -- the subject of her book, "How to Raise an Adult."

Why you should listen

Julie Lythcott-Haims is the author of the New York Times best-selling book How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success. The book emerged from her decade as Stanford University's Dean of Freshmen, where she was known for her fierce advocacy for young adults and received the university's Lloyd W. Dinkelspiel Award for creating "the" atmosphere that defines the undergraduate experience. She was also known for her fierce critique of the growing trend of parental involvement in the day-to-day lives of college students. Toward the end of her tenure as dean, she began speaking and writing widely on the harm of helicopter parenting. How to Raise an Adult is being published in over two dozen countries and gave rise to her TED Talk and a sequel which will be out in 2018. In the meantime, Lythcott-Haims's memoir on race, Real American, will be out in Fall 2017.

Lythcott-Haims is a graduate of Stanford University, Harvard Law School, and California College of the Arts. She lives in Silicon Valley with her partner of over twenty-five years, their two teenagers and her mother. 

More profile about the speaker
Julie Lythcott-Haims | Speaker | TED.com
TED Talks Live

Julie Lythcott-Haims: How to raise successful kids -- without over-parenting

茱莉·利斯科特-海姆斯: 如何培養出成功的孩子 -- 不要過度的呵護

Filmed:
4,800,231 views

給孩子過高的期望,鉅細靡遺的管理孩子的生活,這樣的養育方式其實並無幫助。至少,茱莉·利斯科特-海姆斯( Julie Lythcott-Haims)是這樣認為的。這位前斯坦福新生學院院長,用熱情和詼諧的幽默,講述了家長不應該用成績和考試分數來定義孩子的成功。她說,身為家長的我們,應該專注在一個傳統的想法:給予無條件的愛。
- Academic, author
Julie Lythcott-Haims speaks and writes on the phenomenon of helicopter parenting and the dangers of a checklisted childhood -- the subject of her book, "How to Raise an Adult." Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:12
You know, I didn't set out
to be a parenting育兒 expert專家.
0
680
3816
各位知道嗎,我並沒有刻意
想要成為一位養育專家。
事實上我個人對養育孩子
非常不感興趣。
00:16
In fact事實, I'm not very interested有興趣
in parenting育兒, per Se.
1
4520
3760
00:21
It's just that there's a certain某些 style樣式
of parenting育兒 these days
2
9080
3936
只是當今教育孩子的方法
00:25
that is kind of messing搞亂 up kids孩子,
3
13040
3176
似乎有點打亂了孩子們的成長,
00:28
impeding阻礙 their chances機會
to develop發展 into theirselves過問.
4
16239
5057
並且妨礙了他們發展自我的機會。
00:33
There's a certain某些 style樣式
of parenting育兒 these days
5
21320
2216
當今某些教育孩子的方法
00:35
that's getting得到 in the way.
6
23560
1336
真的是大錯特錯了。
00:36
I guess猜測 what I'm saying is,
7
24920
1616
我想我的意思是,
00:38
we spend a lot of time
being存在 very concerned關心
8
26560
2056
生為父母的我們,花很多時間在擔心
00:40
about parents父母 who aren't involved參與 enough足夠
in the lives生活 of their kids孩子
9
28640
3656
我們是不是沒有足夠融入到孩子的生活、
00:44
and their education教育 or their upbringing教養,
10
32320
1936
教育、成長之中,
00:46
and rightly正當地 so.
11
34280
1200
理應如此。
00:48
But at the other end結束 of the spectrum光譜,
12
36000
2376
但如果到了另一種程度的極端,
往往也會為孩子們帶來了極大的損害,
00:50
there's a lot of harm危害
going on there as well,
13
38400
2696
00:53
where parents父母 feel
a kid孩子 can't be successful成功
14
41120
2936
比如家長認為孩子不可能成功,
00:56
unless除非 the parent is protecting保護
and preventing防止 at every一切 turn
15
44080
4056
除非他們可以隨時保護和預防、
01:00
and hovering徘徊 over every一切 happening事件,
and micromanaging微觀管理 every一切 moment時刻,
16
48160
3736
關心孩子的每件小事、
掌控他們的每個細節
01:03
and steering操舵 their kid孩子 towards
some small subset子集 of colleges高校 and careers職業生涯.
17
51920
5200
並引導孩子進入某名牌大學找到好工作。
01:10
When we raise提高 kids孩子 this way,
18
58760
2616
當我們這樣養育孩子,
01:13
and I'll say we,
19
61400
1696
我會說「我們」,
01:15
because Lord knows知道,
in raising提高 my two teenagers青少年,
20
63120
2776
因為上帝知道,
在養育我的兩個孩子的時候,
01:17
I've had these tendencies傾向 myself,
21
65920
2736
我自己也有這樣的傾向,
01:20
our kids孩子 end結束 up leading領導
a kind of checklistedchecklisted childhood童年.
22
68680
3880
讓孩子的童年像是一份清單。
01:25
And here's這裡的 what the checklistedchecklisted
childhood童年 looks容貌 like.
23
73200
2696
清單一樣的童年看起來是這樣的:
01:27
We keep them safe安全 and sound聲音
24
75920
2896
我們確保他們安全、健康、
01:30
and fed美聯儲 and watered澆水,
25
78840
1680
吃好、喝好,
01:33
and then we want to be sure
they go to the right schools學校,
26
81520
2696
之後期望他們去了一所好學校,
01:36
that they're in the right classes
at the right schools學校,
27
84240
2576
並且是好學校的好班級,
在好班級中還要取得好成績。
01:38
and that they get the right grades等級
in the right classes in the right schools學校.
28
86840
3620
但不僅僅是好成績,還要拿高分,
01:42
But not just the grades等級, the scores分數,
29
90484
1732
也不僅僅追求成績和分數,
還有榮譽和獎項,
01:44
and not just the grades等級 and scores分數,
but the accolades榮譽 and the awards獎項
30
92240
3216
還有體育特長、課外活動、領導能力
01:47
and the sports體育,
the activities活動, the leadership領導.
31
95480
2191
我們和孩子說,不要只是參加社團,
01:49
We tell our kids孩子, don't just join加入 a club俱樂部,
32
97695
1921
因為開辦社團對你申請大學有好處,
01:51
start開始 a club俱樂部, because colleges高校
want to see that.
33
99640
2256
01:53
And check the box for community社區 service服務.
34
101920
1936
還要確認是否已參加社區服務。
01:55
I mean, show顯示 the colleges高校
you care關心 about others其他.
35
103880
2256
我的意思是,這樣學校才能
看得出來你會關心別人。
01:58
(Laughter笑聲)
36
106160
2096
(笑聲)
02:00
And all of this is doneDONE to some
hoped-for希望 degree of perfection完美.
37
108280
4936
所有的這些都是為了達到
期望中的完美程度。
02:05
We expect期望 our kids孩子
to perform演出 at a level水平 of perfection完美
38
113240
2616
我們期待孩子做的完美,
02:07
we were never asked
to perform演出 at ourselves我們自己,
39
115880
3336
但我們卻從未要求自己這樣表現,
02:11
and so because so much is required需要,
40
119240
2176
因為我們要求得太多,
02:13
we think,
41
121440
1216
我們做家長的會想,
02:14
well then, of course課程 we parents父母
have to argue爭論 with every一切 teacher老師
42
122680
3216
一定要和每一位老師、
02:17
and principal主要 and coach教練 and referee裁判
43
125920
2576
校長、教練和推薦人爭取,
02:20
and act法案 like our kid's孩子的 concierge門房
44
128520
2896
搞的我們像是孩子的看門人、
私人管家
02:23
and personal個人 handler處理器
45
131440
1240
02:25
and secretary秘書.
46
133880
1816
和貼身秘書。
02:27
And then with our kids孩子, our precious珍貴 kids孩子,
47
135720
2176
然後對孩子,我們的寶貝孩子,
02:29
we spend so much time nudging輕推,
48
137920
2136
花很多時間來拜託,
02:32
cajoling哄騙, hinting提示, helping幫助, haggling討價還價,
nagging嘮叨 as the case案件 may可能 be,
49
140080
4416
必要時還得暗示、幫忙、
討價還價、嘮叨,
02:36
to be sure they're not screwing擰緊 up,
50
144520
2856
就為了確保他們不會把事情搞砸、
02:39
not closing關閉 doors,
51
147400
2496
不會封閉自己、
02:41
not ruining破壞 their future未來,
52
149920
2496
不會毀了自己的未來,
02:44
some hoped-for希望 admission入場
53
152440
2256
只希望能有一天
02:46
to a tiny handful少數 of colleges高校
54
154720
2616
能擠進一些
02:49
that deny拒絕 almost幾乎 every一切 applicant申請人.
55
157360
3080
幾乎很難錄取的學校。
02:54
And here's這裡的 what it feels感覺 like
to be a kid孩子 in this checklistedchecklisted childhood童年.
56
162680
5416
一個活在童年清單的孩子
會有這樣的感覺:
03:00
First of all, there's
no time for free自由 play.
57
168120
2496
首先,沒有自由玩耍的時間,
03:02
There's no room房間 in the afternoons下午,
58
170640
1656
下午沒有空閒的時間,
03:04
because everything
has to be enriching豐富, we think.
59
172320
3016
因為我們認為,所有活動都要很豐富,
03:07
It's as if every一切 piece of homework家庭作業,
every一切 quiz測驗, every一切 activity活動
60
175360
3376
好像每一項作業、小測驗、活動
03:10
is a make-or-break創造或打破 moment時刻
for this future未來 we have in mind心神 for them,
61
178760
4536
都對我們為他們想好的未來成敗有關。
03:15
and we absolve開脫 them
of helping幫助 out around the house,
62
183320
2936
我們不讓他們做家務,
03:18
and we even absolve開脫 them
of getting得到 enough足夠 sleep睡覺
63
186280
3376
甚至不讓他們有充足的睡眠,
03:21
as long as they're checking檢查 off
the items項目 on their checklist清單.
64
189680
4896
只要他們把清單上的事情做好。
03:26
And in the checklistedchecklisted childhood童年,
we say we just want them to be happy快樂,
65
194600
3816
在清單式童年中,
我們說我們只想讓他們開心,
03:30
but when they come home from school學校,
66
198440
2056
但當他們放學回家,
03:32
what we ask about all too often經常 first
67
200520
3136
我們通常第一時間詢問他們的
03:35
is their homework家庭作業 and their grades等級.
68
203680
3056
卻是作業和成績。
03:38
And they see in our faces面孔
69
206760
2016
而他們在我們的臉上看到
03:40
that our approval贊同, that our love,
70
208800
2536
我們對他們的認可、我們的愛、
03:43
that their very worth價值,
71
211360
1616
他們的價值,
03:45
comes from A's.
72
213000
1856
卻是來自成績單上的 「A」。
03:46
And then we walk步行 alongside並肩 them
73
214880
2576
和他們走在一起的時候,
03:49
and offer提供 clucking咯咯 praise讚美 like a trainer訓練者
at the Westminster威斯敏斯特 Dog Show顯示 --
74
217480
4696
搞得我們就像威斯敏斯特寵物展上的
訓狗員一樣表揚他們,
03:54
(Laughter笑聲)
75
222200
1216
(笑聲)
03:55
coaxing them to just jump a little higher更高
and soar翱翔 a little farther更遠,
76
223440
5296
哄他們跳得再高一點、再遠一點,
04:00
day after day after day.
77
228760
3056
日覆一日。
04:03
And when they get to high school學校,
78
231840
1736
等上了高中,
04:05
they don't say, "Well, what might威力 I
be interested有興趣 in studying研究
79
233600
2896
他們不會問,「我會喜歡學哪些東西?」,
04:08
or doing as an activity活動?"
80
236520
1256
或者「我喜歡參加哪些活動?」,
04:09
They go to counselors心理諮詢師 and they say,
81
237800
1696
他們只會去問輔導員,
04:11
"What do I need to do
to get into the right college學院?"
82
239520
3576
然後說,「我要怎麽做,
才能進入好的大學?」
04:15
And then, when the grades等級
start開始 to roll in in high school學校,
83
243120
2936
之後當他們拿到了高中成績單,
04:18
and they're getting得到 some B'sB的,
84
246080
1576
如果拿了幾個 B,
04:19
or God forbid禁止 some C'sC'S,
85
247680
2376
甚至是可怕的 C,
04:22
they frantically瘋狂 text文本 their friends朋友
86
250080
1936
他們會狂躁地給朋友們發短信
04:24
and say, "Has anyone任何人 ever gotten得到
into the right college學院 with these grades等級?"
87
252040
5120
「有誰用過這樣的成績進入好的大學?」
04:29
And our kids孩子,
88
257959
1536
而我們的孩子,
04:31
regardless而不管 of where they end結束 up
at the end結束 of high school學校,
89
259519
3617
無論畢業時結果怎麼樣,
04:35
they're breathless咋舌.
90
263160
1240
他們都被壓的喘不過氣來、
變得暴躁。
04:37
They're brittle.
91
265400
1216
04:38
They're a little burned out.
92
266640
1816
變得有點精疲力盡,
04:40
They're a little old before their time,
93
268480
1896
他們比實際年齡更成熟一些,
04:42
wishing希望 the grown-ups大人 in their lives生活
had said, "What you've doneDONE is enough足夠,
94
270400
4016
盼望著大人說「你做得已經夠好了,
04:46
this effort功夫 you've put forth向前
in childhood童年 is enough足夠."
95
274440
2976
小時候這麽努力已經足夠了。」
04:49
And they're withering萎凋 now
under high rates利率 of anxiety焦慮 and depression蕭條
96
277440
4256
他們現在卻在高分的焦慮
和沮喪中慢慢枯萎,
04:53
and some of them are wondering想知道,
97
281720
2216
有的孩子會想,
04:55
will this life ever turn out
to have been worth價值 it?
98
283960
4360
這樣的人生,最後究竟有沒有意義?
05:01
Well, we parents父母,
99
289800
1736
我們做家長的,
05:03
we parents父母 are pretty漂亮 sure
it's all worth價值 it.
100
291560
3376
當然認為這都有意義。
05:06
We seem似乎 to behave表現 --
101
294960
1216
我們所表現出來的,
05:08
it's like we literally按照字面 think
they will have no future未來
102
296200
2736
就像如果他們進不去我們期望的
05:10
if they don't get into one of these
tiny set of colleges高校 or careers職業生涯
103
298960
4696
這幾所好大學,或者找不到好工作,
05:15
we have in mind心神 for them.
104
303680
1320
他們就沒有未來。
05:17
Or maybe, maybe, we're just afraid害怕
105
305920
3096
或者,我們可能只是害怕
05:21
they won't慣於 have a future未來 we can brag吹牛 about
106
309040
2336
他們的未來我們不能拿來
向我們的朋友炫耀,
05:23
to our friends朋友 and with stickers貼紙
on the backs of our cars汽車.
107
311400
3800
或者炫耀車子後面的標誌。
05:29
Yeah.
108
317600
1216
是啊。
05:30
(Applause掌聲)
109
318840
2320
(掌聲)
05:36
But if you look at what we've我們已經 doneDONE,
110
324920
2536
但如果你回頭看我們所做的,
05:39
if you have the courage勇氣
to really look at it,
111
327480
3536
如果你真的有勇氣看的話,
05:43
you'll你會 see that not only do our kids孩子
think their worth價值 comes
112
331040
2976
你會發現不只是我們的孩子
認為他們的價值
05:46
from grades等級 and scores分數,
113
334040
1696
來自於成績和分數,
05:47
but that when we live生活 right up inside
their precious珍貴 developing發展 minds頭腦
114
335760
3896
在他們寶貴的成長意識裏,
05:51
all the time, like our very own擁有 version
of the movie電影 "Being存在 John約翰 Malkovich馬爾科維奇,"
115
339680
4576
就像我們自己上演的電影
《傀儡人生》一樣,
05:56
we send發送 our children孩子 the message信息:
116
344280
1936
我們也給孩子傳遞了一個信號:
05:58
"Hey kid孩子, I don't think you can actually其實
achieve實現 any of this without me."
117
346240
5216
「嘿,孩子,我在想,沒有我你什麽都幹不成。」
06:03
And so with our overhelpoverhelp,
118
351480
2656
因為我們的過度幫助、
06:06
our overprotection過度保護
and overdirectionoverdirection and hand-holding手把手,
119
354160
2536
過度保護、過度指導和過度關懷,
06:08
we deprive剝奪 our kids孩子
of the chance機會 to build建立 self-efficacy自我效能感,
120
356720
4016
我們剝奪了孩子建立「自我效能」的機會,
06:12
which哪一個 is a really fundamental基本的 tenet信條
of the human人的 psyche精神,
121
360760
3696
這是人類心智的重要準則,
06:16
far more important重要
than that self-esteem自尊 they get
122
364480
2616
這遠比每次透過父母的讚美
06:19
every一切 time we applaud鼓掌.
123
367120
1400
而建立起的自尊更為重要。
06:21
Self-efficacy自我效能感 is built內置 when one sees看到
that one's那些 own擁有 actions行動 lead to outcomes結果,
124
369120
6176
當一個人看到他自己的行動有了結果,
他的自我效能就建立起來了,
06:27
not --
125
375320
1216
而不是…
06:28
There you go.
126
376560
1216
你們盡量。
06:29
(Applause掌聲)
127
377800
2840
(掌聲)
06:33
Not one's那些 parents'父母'
actions行動 on one's那些 behalf代表,
128
381600
3776
不是父母為他們做了什麼,
06:37
but when one's那些 own擁有 actions行動
lead to outcomes結果.
129
385400
2776
而是通過自己的行動得到結果。
06:40
So simply只是 put,
130
388200
1496
我簡單說一下,
06:41
if our children孩子 are to develop發展
self-efficacy自我效能感, and they must必須,
131
389720
5336
如果我們的孩子要發展自我效能,
而且他們一定要,
06:47
then they have to do a whole整個 lot more
of the thinking思維, planning規劃, deciding決定,
132
395080
4856
就需要更多的為他們自己的人生
做更多思考、規劃、決定、
06:51
doing, hoping希望, coping應對, trial審訊 and error錯誤,
133
399960
3576
行動、期望、應對、嘗試錯誤
為他們自己的人生去夢想、去體驗。
06:55
dreaming做夢 and experiencing經歷 of life
134
403560
3136
06:58
for themselves他們自己.
135
406720
1640
07:01
Now, am I saying
136
409280
2496
我現在不是在說,
07:03
every一切 kid孩子 is hard-working用功 and motivated動機
137
411800
2336
每個孩子都很努力,都很積極,
07:06
and doesn't need a parent's父母 involvement參與
or interest利益 in their lives生活,
138
414160
3176
都不需要父母的介入和關心他們的生活,
07:09
and we should just back off and let go?
139
417360
1880
而我們只要完全放手不管就好了?
07:12
Hell地獄 no.
140
420040
1216
當然不是。
07:13
(Laughter笑聲)
141
421280
1216
(笑聲)
07:14
That is not what I'm saying.
142
422520
1696
這不是我說的意思,
07:16
What I'm saying is, when we treat對待
grades等級 and scores分數 and accolades榮譽 and awards獎項
143
424240
3616
我的意思是,當我們把成績、
分數、榮譽和獎勵
07:19
as the purpose目的 of childhood童年,
144
427880
2096
看做是他們童年的奮鬥目標,
07:22
all in furtherance促進 of some hoped-for希望
admission入場 to a tiny number of colleges高校
145
430000
3776
當我們的孩子
去擠進了理想中的大學、
07:25
or entrance入口 to a small number of careers職業生涯,
146
433800
2976
找到了理想的工作,
07:28
that that's too narrow狹窄 a definition定義
of success成功 for our kids孩子.
147
436800
4376
如此定義孩子的成功實在太過狹隘了。
07:33
And even though雖然 we might威力 help them
achieve實現 some short-term短期 wins
148
441200
3536
儘管我們可以透過過度幫助,
07:36
by overhelpingoverhelping --
149
444760
1216
讓他們獲得一些短期的成功——
07:38
like they get a better grade年級
if we help them do their homework家庭作業,
150
446000
3560
比如幫他們做作業
使他們取得更好的成績,
07:42
they might威力 end結束 up with a longer
childhood童年sumé when we help --
151
450320
3880
讓他們的童年簡歷可能會在
我們的幫助下看起來更豐富——
07:47
what I'm saying is that all of this
comes at a long-term長期 cost成本
152
455120
3376
我要說的是,這些會讓他們
07:50
to their sense of self.
153
458520
2056
在自我認知上付出長期的代價。
07:52
What I'm saying is,
we should be less concerned關心
154
460600
2416
我的意思是,我們不要太在意
07:55
with the specific具體 set of colleges高校
155
463040
1816
他們有沒有能力能申請到
具體的名牌大學,
07:56
they might威力 be able能夠
to apply應用 to or might威力 get into
156
464880
3216
08:00
and far more concerned關心 that they have
the habits習慣, the mindset心態, the skill技能 set,
157
468120
4896
而是要多多關注他們的
習慣、心態、技能和健康,
08:05
the wellness健康, to be successful成功
wherever哪裡 they go.
158
473040
4936
因為有了這些,
無論他們去哪,都能成功。
08:10
What I'm saying is,
159
478000
1216
我的意思是,
08:11
our kids孩子 need us to be a little
less obsessed痴迷 with grades等級 and scores分數
160
479240
4576
孩子要的不是我們
那麼癡迷他的成績和分數,
08:15
and a whole整個 lot more interested有興趣
161
483840
2296
孩子需要的是我們
08:18
in childhood童年 providing提供
a foundation基礎 for their success成功
162
486160
5096
多放點心思在他們的童年上,
為將來的成功打基礎,
08:23
built內置 on things like love
163
491280
2680
比如,愛,
還有做家務。
08:27
and chores瑣事.
164
495240
1216
08:28
(Laughter笑聲)
165
496480
2176
(笑聲)
08:30
(Applause掌聲)
166
498680
1920
(掌聲)
08:35
Did I just say chores瑣事?
Did I just say chores瑣事? I really did.
167
503240
3240
我剛剛說家務了嗎?
我說了嗎?沒錯我確實說了。
08:39
But really, here's這裡的 why.
168
507920
2160
但說真的,這是有理由的。
08:43
The longest最長 longitudinal study研究
of humans人類 ever conducted進行
169
511280
3656
史上歷時最長的人類研究
08:46
is called the Harvard哈佛 Grant格蘭特 Study研究.
170
514960
2175
叫做哈佛格蘭特研究。
08:49
It found發現 that professional專業的
success成功 in life,
171
517159
2337
這個研究發現到專業上的成功,
08:51
which哪一個 is what we want for our kids孩子,
172
519520
2576
也就是我們想要孩子們做到的,
08:54
that professional專業的 success成功 in life
comes from having doneDONE chores瑣事 as a kid孩子,
173
522120
3776
取決於小時候做的家事,
08:57
and the earlier you started開始, the better,
174
525920
2016
越早開始做越好,
08:59
that a roll-up-your-sleeves-捲起你的袖子-
and-pitch-in和間距,在 mindset心態,
175
527960
2376
一種捲起袖子出一分力的心態,
09:02
a mindset心態 that says,
there's some unpleasant不愉快 work,
176
530360
2376
這種心態是這樣的,
有一些討厭的工作
09:04
someone's誰家 got to do it,
it might威力 as well be me,
177
532760
2216
需要有人完成它,
這個人最好就是我,
09:07
a mindset心態 that says,
178
535000
1216
這種心態代表著:
09:08
I will contribute有助於 my effort功夫
to the betterment改善 of the whole整個,
179
536240
3096
我會為了整體的改善
貢獻我自己的努力,
09:11
that that's what gets得到 you ahead
in the workplace職場.
180
539360
3056
這會幫助你在工作中獲得成功。
09:14
Now, we all know this. You know this.
181
542440
2896
我們都清楚這個道理,你們也都清楚。
09:17
(Applause掌聲)
182
545360
2816
(掌聲)
09:20
We all know this, and yet然而,
in the checklistedchecklisted childhood童年,
183
548200
3576
我們都知道這個道理,
但是,在列滿了清單的童年中,
09:23
we absolve開脫 our kids孩子 of doing
the work of chores瑣事 around the house,
184
551800
3776
我們不讓孩子們在家裡做家務,
09:27
and then they end結束 up
as young年輕 adults成年人 in the workplace職場
185
555600
2496
當他們長大進入職場,
09:30
still waiting等候 for a checklist清單,
186
558120
2216
他們只會等待一份清單,
09:32
but it doesn't exist存在,
187
560360
1456
但這個清單並不存在,
09:33
and more importantly重要的,
lacking不足 the impulse衝動, the instinct直覺
188
561840
3296
更重要的是,他們會缺乏動力和本能,
09:37
to roll up their sleeves袖子 and pitch瀝青 in
189
565160
2216
不會捲起他們的袖子,出一分力,
09:39
and look around and wonder奇蹟,
how can I be useful有用 to my colleagues同事?
190
567400
3576
不會察顏觀色,並心想,
我怎樣做才能對同事們有幫助?
09:43
How can I anticipate預料 a few少數 steps腳步 ahead
to what my boss老闆 might威力 need?
191
571000
4320
怎樣才能提前一步預想到老板的需求?
09:48
A second第二 very important重要 finding發現
from the Harvard哈佛 Grant格蘭特 Study研究
192
576280
3600
哈佛格蘭特研究的第二個重要發現,
09:52
said that happiness幸福 in life
193
580920
1760
裡面提到,人生的幸福,
09:55
comes from love,
194
583720
1856
來自於愛,
09:57
not love of work,
195
585600
1856
不是對工作的熱愛,
09:59
love of humans人類:
196
587480
2200
而是對人的愛,
10:02
our spouse伴侶, our partner夥伴,
our friends朋友, our family家庭.
197
590400
3440
我們的配偶、我們的伙伴、
我們的朋友、我們的家人。
10:06
So childhood童年 needs需求 to teach
our kids孩子 how to love,
198
594600
3696
所以在童年時期,
我們應該教會孩子如何去愛,
10:10
and they can't love others其他
if they don't first love themselves他們自己,
199
598320
2976
要愛別人,他們要先學會愛自己,
10:13
and they won't慣於 love themselves他們自己
if we can't offer提供 them unconditional無條件的 love.
200
601320
3976
想要他們愛自己,
我們就要給予他們無條件的愛。
10:17
(Applause掌聲)
201
605320
1960
(掌聲)
10:21
Right.
202
609600
1200
沒錯。
10:24
And so,
203
612240
1776
所以,
10:26
instead代替 of being存在 obsessed痴迷
with grades等級 and scores分數
204
614040
2256
放下對成績和分數的癡迷,
10:28
when our precious珍貴 offspring子孫
come home from school學校,
205
616320
2896
當我們寶貝孩子放學回家後,
10:31
or we come home from work,
206
619240
1496
或我們下班回家時,
10:32
we need to close our technology技術,
put away our phones手機,
207
620760
2776
我們要關掉電子設備,
把手機放到一邊,
10:35
and look them in the eye
208
623560
1376
看著他們的眼睛,
10:36
and let them see
the joy喜悅 that fills填充 our faces面孔
209
624960
3176
讓他們看到洋溢在我們臉上的喜悅。
10:40
when we see our child兒童
for the first time in a few少數 hours小時.
210
628160
3136
就像第一次看到他們
剛出生的樣子。
10:43
And then we have to say,
211
631320
1936
我們一定要問,
10:45
"How was your day?
212
633280
1200
「今天過的怎麼樣?
10:47
What did you like about today今天?"
213
635840
2816
你喜歡今天的什麼?」
10:50
And when your teenage青少年 daughter女兒
says, "Lunch午餐," like mine did,
214
638680
3736
當你的年輕小女兒說,
「午餐」,像我的女兒一樣,
10:54
and I want to hear about the math數學 test測試,
215
642440
2056
而我們想要聽到的是數學考試
10:56
not lunch午餐,
216
644520
1416
不是午餐時,
10:57
you have to still
take an interest利益 in lunch午餐.
217
645960
3016
你還是要對她的午餐感興趣,
11:01
You gotta總得 say, "What was great
about lunch午餐 today今天?"
218
649000
3176
你要說,「你今天的午餐為什麼很棒呢?」
11:04
They need to know
they matter to us as humans人類,
219
652200
3376
他們需要知道,
他們本身對我們才是重要的,
11:07
not because of their GPAGPA.
220
655600
2600
而不是他們的GPA學習成績。
11:11
All right, so you're thinking思維,
chores瑣事 and love,
221
659640
2216
好,你可能會想,家務和愛,
11:13
that sounds聲音 all well and good,
but give me a break打破.
222
661880
2496
這聽起來很好,但是得了吧。
11:16
The colleges高校 want to see
top最佳 scores分數 and grades等級
223
664400
2976
大學看的是分數、成績、榮譽和獎項,
11:19
and accolades榮譽 and awards獎項,
and I'm going to tell you, sort分類 of.
224
667400
3920
但我告訴各位,其實這些只佔一小部分。
11:25
The very biggest最大 brand-name品牌 schools學校
are asking that of our young年輕 adults成年人,
225
673080
5896
只有那些非常著名的學校
要求我們的孩子做到這些,
11:31
but here's這裡的 the good news新聞.
226
679000
1360
但好消息是,
11:33
Contrary相反 to what the college學院
rankings排名 racket球拍 would have us believe --
227
681160
5096
與大學排行榜相反的訊息是
我們要相信...
11:38
(Applause掌聲)
228
686280
2360
(掌聲)
11:44
you don't have to go to one
of the biggest最大 brand name名稱 schools學校
229
692040
2896
並不是非得進入一所著名的大學
11:46
to be happy快樂 and successful成功 in life.
230
694960
1736
人生才能過得幸福、成功。
11:48
Happy快樂 and successful成功 people
went to state school學校,
231
696720
2856
幸福和成功的人們
也會來自於公立學校,
11:51
went to a small college學院
no one has heard聽說 of,
232
699600
2256
讀過沒人聽說過的小學校,
11:53
went to community社區 college學院,
233
701880
1576
來自於社區大學,
11:55
went to a college學院 over here
and flunked不及格 out.
234
703480
2736
來自於附近的學校甚至被退學的人。
11:58
(Applause掌聲)
235
706240
2800
(掌聲)
12:05
The evidence證據 is in this room房間,
is in our communities社區,
236
713240
2976
證據就在現場,就在我們的社區,
12:08
that this is the truth真相.
237
716240
1696
這就是事實。
12:09
And if we could widen擴大 our blinders一葉障目
238
717960
1696
如果我們把眼光放遠一點,
12:11
and be willing願意 to look
at a few少數 more colleges高校,
239
719680
2256
並且願意考慮幾所其他的大學,
12:13
maybe remove去掉 our own擁有 egos自我
from the equation方程,
240
721960
3536
或許拋開我們原有的偏見,
12:17
we could accept接受 and embrace擁抱
this truth真相 and then realize實現,
241
725520
3656
我們就能接受擁抱這個事實,
並且了解到
12:21
it is hardly幾乎不 the end結束 of the world世界
242
729200
1976
即便我們的孩子
沒有考上一所名牌大學,
12:23
if our kids孩子 don't go to one
of those big brand-name品牌 schools學校.
243
731200
3520
也不是什麼世界末日。
12:27
And more importantly重要的,
244
735960
1256
更重要的是,
12:29
if their childhood童年 has not been lived生活
according根據 to a tyrannical強橫 checklist清單
245
737240
5096
如果孩子的童年不是在
嚴格的清單約束下長大,
12:34
then when they get to college學院,
246
742360
2136
當他們進入大學,
12:36
whichever任何 one it is,
247
744520
1936
無論哪一所大學,
12:38
well, they'll他們會 have gone走了 there
on their own擁有 volition意志,
248
746480
3096
都是出自自身的決定,
12:41
fueled燃料 by their own擁有 desire慾望,
249
749600
2456
都是出自自身的渴望,
12:44
capable and ready準備 to thrive興旺 there.
250
752080
3200
這樣他們才有能力準備好
在那裏大幹一場。
12:49
I have to admit承認 something to you.
251
757360
1800
我得向各位坦白一些事。
12:51
I've got two kids孩子 I mentioned提到,
Sawyer索耶 and Avery艾利.
252
759760
3096
我剛才提到我的兩個孩子,
索耶和艾弗里,
12:54
They're teenagers青少年.
253
762880
1696
他們都是青少年。
12:56
And once一旦 upon a time,
254
764600
1856
有一天,
12:58
I think I was treating治療 my Sawyer索耶 and Avery艾利
255
766480
2616
我突然覺得我對待索耶和艾弗里
13:01
like little bonsai盆栽 trees樹木 --
256
769120
1776
就像對待小盆栽一樣——
13:02
(Laughter笑聲)
257
770920
2336
(笑聲)
13:05
that I was going
to carefully小心 clip and prune修剪
258
773280
2936
我想要小心地把他們修修剪剪,
13:08
and shape形狀 into some perfect完善
form形成 of a human人的
259
776240
3896
把他們塑造成完美的人,
13:12
that might威力 just be perfect完善 enough足夠
to warrant保證 them admission入場
260
780160
3496
完美到可以把他們送進
13:15
to one of the most
highly高度 selective可選擇的 colleges高校.
261
783680
2440
一所頂尖大學。
13:19
But I've come to realize實現, after working加工
with thousands數千 of other people's人們 kids孩子 --
262
787040
3880
但是,我在工作中接觸了幾千個
別人家的孩子,我才意識到——
13:23
(Laughter笑聲)
263
791640
1720
(笑聲)
13:26
and raising提高 two kids孩子 of my own擁有,
264
794480
2320
我養的兩個孩子,
13:30
my kids孩子 aren't bonsai盆栽 trees樹木.
265
798200
2200
他們不是盆栽,
13:33
They're wildflowers野花
266
801800
1720
他們是野花,
13:36
of an unknown未知 genus and species種類 --
267
804400
2816
是一種未知品種的野花——
13:39
(Laughter笑聲)
268
807240
1896
(笑聲)
13:41
and it's my job工作 to provide提供
a nourishing滋補 environment環境,
269
809160
3416
我的任務是提供成長的環境,
13:44
to strengthen加強 them through通過 chores瑣事
270
812600
2376
透過家務和愛,讓他們變得強大,
13:47
and to love them so they can
love others其他 and receive接收 love
271
815000
4296
愛他們,他們才會愛別人、接受愛。
13:51
and the college學院, the major重大的, the career事業,
272
819320
3096
而大學、專業和工作,
13:54
that's up to them.
273
822440
1696
都是應該由他們自己決定的。
13:56
My job工作 is not to make them become成為
what I would have them become成為,
274
824160
5656
我的工作不是讓他們成為
我想要的樣子,
14:01
but to support支持 them
in becoming變得 their glorious輝煌 selves自我.
275
829840
4800
而是支持他們成為輝煌的自己。
14:07
Thank you.
276
835400
1216
謝謝大家。
14:08
(Applause掌聲)
277
836640
6430
(掌聲)
Translated by Yilin Sun
Reviewed by Yi-Fan Yu

▲Back to top

ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Julie Lythcott-Haims - Academic, author
Julie Lythcott-Haims speaks and writes on the phenomenon of helicopter parenting and the dangers of a checklisted childhood -- the subject of her book, "How to Raise an Adult."

Why you should listen

Julie Lythcott-Haims is the author of the New York Times best-selling book How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success. The book emerged from her decade as Stanford University's Dean of Freshmen, where she was known for her fierce advocacy for young adults and received the university's Lloyd W. Dinkelspiel Award for creating "the" atmosphere that defines the undergraduate experience. She was also known for her fierce critique of the growing trend of parental involvement in the day-to-day lives of college students. Toward the end of her tenure as dean, she began speaking and writing widely on the harm of helicopter parenting. How to Raise an Adult is being published in over two dozen countries and gave rise to her TED Talk and a sequel which will be out in 2018. In the meantime, Lythcott-Haims's memoir on race, Real American, will be out in Fall 2017.

Lythcott-Haims is a graduate of Stanford University, Harvard Law School, and California College of the Arts. She lives in Silicon Valley with her partner of over twenty-five years, their two teenagers and her mother. 

More profile about the speaker
Julie Lythcott-Haims | Speaker | TED.com