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Colin Grant: How our stories cross over

Colin Grant: Sin zahtjevnog oca

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Colin Grant proveo je cijeli život u potrazi za emocionalnom ravnotežom između očeva svijeta i vlastitog. Rođen je u Engleskoj, a jamajčanskog je podrijetla. U ovom govoru Grant priča o iskustvima koji su zajednički svim članovima njegove imigracijske zajednice te se osvrće na to kako je smogao snage oprostiti ocu koji ga je odbacio.

- Author, historian
Colin Grant is an author and historian whose works focus on larger-than-life figures of the African diaspora. Full bio

This is a photograph
Ovo je fotografija
00:12
of a man whom for many years
čovjeka čije sam ubojstvo
00:14
I plotted to kill.
godinama planirao.
00:17
This is my father,
To je moj otac.
00:21
Clinton George "Bageye" Grant.
Clinton George "Podočnjak" Grant.
00:24
He's called Bageye because he has
Zovu ga "Podočnjak" jer ima
00:27
permanent bags under his eyes.
trajne vrećice ispod očiju.
00:30
As a 10-year-old, along with my siblings,
Kao desetogodišnjak,
s braćom i sestrama,
00:34
I dreamt of scraping off the poison
maštao sam kako ću mu ubaciti
00:37
from fly-killer paper into his coffee,
otrov za muhe u kavu,
00:41
grounded down glass and sprinkling it
samljeti ga čašom
00:45
over his breakfast,
i posuti mu ga po doručku.
00:47
loosening the carpet on the stairs
Kako ću olabaviti tepih
00:50
so he would trip and break his neck.
na stepenicama
da se spotakne i slomi vrat.
00:51
But come the day, he would always
Ali kad bi došao dan D, on bi
00:55
skip that loose step,
svaki put preskočio tu stepenicu,
00:57
he would always bow out of the house
izletio iz kuće
00:59
without so much as a swig of coffee
bez gutljaja kave
01:01
or a bite to eat.
ili komadića doručka.
01:03
And so for many years,
Tolikih godina
01:05
I feared that my father would die
strahovao sam da će umrijeti
01:07
before I had a chance to kill him.
prije no što ga stignem ubiti.
01:09
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
01:11
Up until our mother asked him to leave
Sve dok mu majka nije rekla da ode
01:15
and not come back,
i da se ne vraća,
01:18
Bageye had been a terrifying ogre.
Podočnjak je bio zastrašujuća zvijer.
01:20
He teetered permanently on the verge of rage,
Uvijek je bio na rubu bijesa,
01:24
rather like me, as you see.
poput mene, kao što možete vidjeti.
01:28
He worked nights at Vauxhall Motors in Luton
Radio je noću u Vauxhall Motorsu u Lutonu
01:31
and demanded total silence throughout the house,
i zahtijevao potpunu tišinu u kući,
01:35
so that when we came home from school
pa kad bismo došli kući iz škole
01:38
at 3:30 in the afternoon, we would huddle
u 15:30, sklupčali bismo se
01:40
beside the TV, and rather like safe-crackers,
pokraj TV-a
01:42
we would twiddle with the volume control knob
i toliko stišali ton na TV-u
01:46
on the TV so it was almost inaudible.
da ga je bilo gotovo nemoguće čuti.
01:48
And at times, when we were like this,
Ponekad kad bismo to radili,
01:51
so much "Shhh," so much "Shhh"
toliko smo govorili "šššš",
toliko je "šššš-ova"
01:53
going on in the house
prolazilo kućom
01:56
that I imagined us to be like
da sam nas zamišljao poput
01:58
the German crew of a U-boat
posade njemačke podmornice
02:00
creeping along the edge of the ocean
koja se šulja rubom oceana
02:03
whilst up above, on the surface,
dok na površini
02:06
HMS Bageye patrolled
patrolira HMS Podočnjak,
02:07
ready to drop death charges
spreman osuditi nas na smrt
02:11
at the first sound of any disturbance.
i za najmanji nemir.
02:13
So that lesson was the lesson that
Iz toga sam naučio ovo:
02:17
"Do not draw attention to yourself
"Ne privlači pozornost na sebe
02:20
either in the home or outside of the home."
ni kod kuće ni izvan nje."
02:22
Maybe it's a migrant lesson.
Možda je to migrantska lekcija.
02:24
We were to be below the radar,
Nikad se nije znalo za nas,
02:27
so there was no communication, really,
pa nije bilo komunikacije
02:30
between Bageye and us and us and Bageye,
između Podočnjaka i nas,
nas i Podočnjaka,
02:31
and the sound that we most looked forward to,
a zvuk kojemu se većina radovala,
02:34
you know when you're a child and you want
znate kad ste kao djeca jedva čekali
02:37
your father to come home
and it's all going to be happy
da se tata vrati kući i sve će biti super
02:39
and you're waiting for that sound of the door opening.
i čekate zvuk otvaranja vrata.
02:42
Well the sound that we looked forward to
Mi smo se radovali
02:44
was the click of the door closing,
zvuku zatvaranja vrata
02:45
which meant he'd gone and would not come back.
koji je značio da je otišao
i da se ne vraća.
02:47
So for three decades,
Tri desetljeća
02:52
I never laid eyes on my father, nor he on me.
nikad nisam pogledao oca, a ni on mene.
02:55
We never spoke to each other for three decades,
Nismo razgovarali tri desetljeća,
02:58
and then a couple of years ago, I decided
a onda prije nekoliko godina odlučih
03:00
to turn the spotlight on him.
na njega usmjeriti pozornost.
03:02
"You are being watched.
"Gledaju te.
03:06
Actually, you are.
Uistinu.
03:08
You are being watched."
Gledaju te."
03:10
That was his mantra to us, his children.
To je on govorio nama, svojoj djeci.
03:12
Time and time again he would say this to us.
Stalno je to govorio.
03:15
And this was the 1970s, it was Luton,
To je bilo 70-ih, u Lutonu
03:16
where he worked at Vauxhall Motors,
gdje je radio u Vauxhall Motorsima
03:19
and he was a Jamaican.
i bio je Jamajčanin.
03:21
And what he meant was,
A pod tim je mislio
03:23
you as a child of a Jamaican immigrant
da te kao dijete jamajčanskog imigranta
03:24
are being watched
netko gleda
03:26
to see which way you turn, to see whether
da vidi kako ćeš ispasti,
03:28
you conform to the host nation's stereotype of you,
kako utjelovljuješ stereotipe,
03:30
of being feckless, work-shy,
kako si nemaran i lijen,
03:34
destined for a life of crime.
predodređen za život kriminalca.
03:36
You are being watched,
Gledaju te,
03:39
so confound their expectations of you.
pa ih potpuno zbuni.
03:41
To that end, Bageye and his friends,
Zbog toga su Podočnjak
i njegovi prijatelji,
03:45
mostly Jamaican,
uglavnom Jamajčani,
03:49
exhibited a kind of Jamaican bella figura:
živjeli po onoj jamajčanskoj:
03:51
Turn your best side to the world,
Pokaži svoju najbolju stranu svijetu,
03:55
show your best face to the world.
svoje najbolje lice.
03:57
If you have seen some of the images
Ako ste vidjeli neke slike
04:00
of the Caribbean people arriving
doseljenja Karibijaca
04:01
in the '40s and '50s,
40-ih i 50-ih,
04:03
you might have noticed that a lot of the men
možda ste uočili da
04:05
wear trilbies.
puno muškaraca nosi šešire.
04:07
Now, there was no tradition
of wearing trilbies in Jamaica.
Takva tradicija nije
postojala na Jamajci.
04:08
They invented that tradition for their arrival here.
Izmislili su je po dolasku.
04:12
They wanted to project themselves in a way
Htjeli su se zaštititi na način
04:15
that they wanted to be perceived,
da budu opaženi,
04:17
so that the way they looked
pa ih je izgled
04:19
and the names that they gave themselves
i imena koja su davali sami sebi
04:21
defined them.
definirali.
04:23
So Bageye is bald and has baggy eyes.
Podočnjak je ćelav
i podočnjaci mu vise.
04:25
Tidy Boots is very fussy about his footwear.
"Uredne čizme" izbirljiv je oko obuće.
04:31
Anxious is always anxious.
"Anksiozni" je uvijek nervozan.
04:35
Clock has one arm longer than the other.
"Sat" ima jednu dužu i jednu kraću ruku.
04:37
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
04:40
And my all-time favorite was the
guy they called Summerwear.
I moj najdraži - "Ljetna Odjeća".
04:44
When Summerwear came to this country
Kad se gosp. Ljetna Odjeća doselio
04:47
from Jamaica in the early '60s, he insisted
s Jamajke ranih 60-ih,
04:49
on wearing light summer suits,
uporno je nosio lagana ljetna odijela,
04:51
no matter the weather,
bez obzira na vremenske prilike.
04:53
and in the course of researching their lives,
Istražujući njihove živote,
04:55
I asked my mom, "Whatever
became of Summerwear?"
pitao sam mamu:
"Što je bilo s Ljetnom Odjećom?"
04:56
And she said, "He caught a cold and died." (Laughter)
Rekla je: "Prehladio se i umro."
(Smijeh)
04:59
But men like Summerwear
Ali ljudi poput Ljetne Odjeće
05:04
taught us the importance of style.
uče nas o važnosti stila.
05:06
Maybe they exaggerated their style
Možda je njihov stil bio pretjeran
05:08
because they thought that they were not considered
jer su mislili da ih drugi ne smatraju
05:10
to be quite civilized,
civiliziranima,
05:13
and they transferred that generational attitude
pa su prenijeli taj generacijski stav
05:15
or anxiety onto us, the next generation,
ili anksioznost na nas,
sljedeću generaciju
05:18
so much so that when I was growing up,
toliko da dok sam odrastao,
05:20
if ever on the television news or radio
ako bi se na TV-u,
u novinama ili na radiju
05:23
a report came up about a black person
pojavila reportaža o crncima
05:25
committing some crime —
koji počinjavaju zločine --
05:26
a mugging, a murder, a burglary —
pljačke, ubojstva, provale --
05:28
we winced along with our parents,
zgrozili bismo se zajedno s roditeljima
05:32
because they were letting the side down.
jer su ti ljudi ocrnjavali sve nas.
05:35
You did not just represent yourself.
Ne predstavljaš samo sebe.
05:38
You represented the group,
Predstavljaš cijelu skupinu,
05:39
and it was a terrifying thing to come to terms with,
a bilo se užasno teško pomiriti
05:41
in a way, that maybe you were going
s tim da će te možda
05:46
to be perceived in the same light.
promatrati na isti način.
05:48
So that was what needed to be challenged.
To se trebalo promijeniti.
05:52
Our father and many of his colleagues
Naš otac i mnoge njegove kolege
05:56
exhibited a kind of transmission but not receiving.
utjelovljavali su prijenos bez primanja.
06:00
They were built to transmit but not receive.
Stvoreni su da prenose, a ne primaju.
06:04
We were to keep quiet.
Morali smo biti tiho.
06:06
When our father did speak to us,
Kad nam je otac govorio,
06:09
it was from the pulpit of his mind.
bilo je to s propovjedaonice njegova uma.
06:10
They clung to certainty in the belief
Držali su se vjerovanja
06:13
that doubt would undermine them.
da će ih sumnja potkopati.
06:15
But when I am working in my house
Ali kad ja radim kod kuće
06:19
and writing, after a day's writing, I rush downstairs
i kad nakon cjelodnevnog pisanja
pohrlim niz stepenice
06:22
and I'm very excited to talk about
Marcus Garvey or Bob Marley
i jedva čekam razgovarati
o Marcusu Garveyu ili Bobu Marleyu
06:26
and words are tripping out of my mouth like butterflies
i riječi lete iz mojih usta poput leptira
06:29
and I'm so excited that my children stop me,
i toliko sam uzbuđen
da me djeca zaustave
06:32
and they say, "Dad, nobody cares."
i kažu:
"Tata, to nikog ne zanima."
06:35
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
06:38
But they do care, actually.
Ali zapravo ih zanima.
06:42
They cross over.
Prijeđu.
06:44
Somehow they find their way to you.
Nekako nađu put do vas.
06:46
They shape their lives according
to the narrative of your life,
Oblikuju svoje živote
po uzoru na priču vašeg života,
06:48
as I did with my father and my mother, perhaps,
kao što sam ja vjerojatno oblikovao
svoj život po uzoru na moje roditelje.
06:52
and maybe Bageye did with his father.
a možda je i Podočnjak
učinio isto sa svojim ocem.
06:56
And that was clearer to me
Tako mi je bilo jednostavnije
06:59
in the course of looking at his life
gledati na njegov život
07:00
and understanding, as they say,
i shvaćati, kao što
07:03
the Native Americans say,
Indijanci kažu:
07:06
"Do not criticize the man until you can walk
"Ne kritiziraj nikoga dok ne prošetaš
07:08
in his moccasins."
u njegovim mokasinkama."
07:09
But in conjuring his life, it was okay
Ali zamišljajući njegov život,
bilo je prihvatljivo
07:12
and very straightforward to portray
i sasvim jasno zamisliti
07:14
a Caribbean life in England in the 1970s
karipski način života
u Engleskoj 70-ih godina
07:18
with bowls of plastic fruit,
sa zdjelama plastičnog voća,
07:21
polystyrene ceiling tiles,
tapetama,
07:26
settees permanently sheathed
divanima trajno prekrivenim
07:29
in their transparent covers
that they were delivered in.
prozirnom folijom
u kojoj su bili i dostavljeni.
07:31
But what's more difficult to navigate
Ali teže je zamisliti
07:34
is the emotional landscape
emocionalnu raznolikost
07:36
between the generations,
između generacija,
07:38
and the old adage that with age comes wisdom
ali izreka da mudrost dolazi s godinama
07:40
is not true.
nije istinita.
07:45
With age comes the veneer of respectability
S godinama dolazi tanak sloj poštovanja
07:47
and a veneer of uncomfortable truths.
i sloj neugodnih istina.
07:50
But what was true was that my parents,
Ali istina je da moji roditelji,
07:53
my mother, and my father went along with it,
moja majka, a otac se s time složio,
07:56
did not trust the state to educate me.
nisu htjeli državi
povjeriti moje školovanje.
07:59
So listen to how I sound.
Slušajte kako govorim.
08:01
They determined that they would
send me to a private school,
Odlučili su me poslati u privatnu školu,
08:04
but my father worked at Vauxhall Motors.
no otac je radio u Vauxhall Motorsu.
08:08
It's quite difficult to fund a private school education
Teško je plaćati privatnu školu
08:10
and feed his army of children.
i hraniti vojsku djece.
08:14
I remember going on to the school
Sjećam se kad sam išao u školu
08:16
for the entrance exam, and my father said
na prijamni ispit i otac je rekao
08:18
to the priest — it was a Catholic school —
svećeniku - bila je to katolička škola -
08:20
he wanted a better "heducation" for the boy,
da želi bolju "Hedukaciju" za momka,
08:24
but also, he, my father,
ali on, moj otac,
08:28
never even managed to pass worms,
nije se uspio riješiti ni crva,
08:31
never mind entrance exams.
a kamoli prijamnih ispita.
08:34
But in order to fund my education,
Ali kako bi plaćao moje školovanje,
08:36
he was going to have to do some dodgy stuff,
planirao se baviti mutnim poslovima,
08:38
so my father would fund my education
pa bi to radio
08:41
by trading in illicit goods from the back of his car,
preprodajom ilegalnih dobara
iz prtljažnika automobila,
08:44
and that was made even more tricky because
a to je bilo još zeznutije
08:48
my father, that's not his car by the way.
zato što moj otac,
usput ovo nije njegov auto.
08:49
My father aspired to have a car like that,
Htio je imati takav automobil,
08:51
but my father had a beaten-up Mini,
ali imao je izubijani Mini
08:53
and he never, being a
Jamaican coming to this country,
i, kako je bio Jamajčanin
pri dolasku u ovu zemlju,
08:55
he never had a driving license,
nije imao ni vozačku dozvolu,
09:00
he never had any insurance or road tax or MOT.
nikakvo osiguranje, nije plaćao
cestovne poreze ili poreze na gorivo.
09:02
He thought, "I know how to drive;
Mislio je: "Znam voziti;
09:06
why do I need the state's validation?"
što će mi potvrda države?"
09:08
But it became a little tricky when
we were stopped by the police,
Ali malo se zakompliciralo
kad nas je zaustavila policija,
09:11
and we were stopped a lot by the police,
a to se često događalo,
09:13
and I was impressed by the way
i bio sam impresioniran
09:15
that my father dealt with the police.
načinom na koji se on nosio s njima.
09:16
He would promote the policeman immediately,
Odmah bi promaknuo policajca,
09:18
so that P.C. Bloggs became Detective Inspector Bloggs
pa bi policajac Bloggs postao
detektiv inspektor Bloggs
09:21
in the course of the conversation
tijekom razgovora
09:25
and wave us on merrily.
i veselo bi nas propustio.
09:26
So my father was exhibiting what we in Jamaica
Moj je otac radio ono što mi na Jamajci
09:28
called "playing fool to catch wise."
zovemo "praviti se nevješt".
09:30
But it lent also an idea
Ali činilo se
09:34
that actually he was being diminished
kao da policajac
09:38
or belittled by the policeman —
umanjuje njegov značaj -
09:40
as a 10-year-old boy, I saw that —
to sam vidio kao desetogodišnjak -
09:42
but also there was an ambivalence towards authority.
ali postojala je i ambivalencija
prema autoritetu.
09:44
So on the one hand, there was
U jednu mu se ruku
09:46
a mocking of authority,
rugao,
09:48
but on the other hand, there was a deference
ali ga je s druge strane
09:50
towards authority,
poštovao,
09:52
and these Caribbean people
a ovi Karibijci
09:54
had an overbearing obedience towards authority,
pokazivali su snažnu poslušnost
prema autoritetu
09:56
which is very striking, very strange in a way,
koja je bila jako upečatljiva, neobična
10:00
because migrants are very courageous people.
jer su migranti jako hrabri ljudi -
10:02
They leave their homes. My father and my mother
oni napuštaju svoje domove.
Moj otac i majka
10:05
left Jamaica and they traveled 4,000 miles,
napustili su Jamajku
i prešli 6.500 km,
10:08
and yet they were infantilized by travel.
a to ih je putovanje podjetinjilo.
10:12
They were timid,
Postali su plašljivi
10:16
and somewhere along the line,
i negdje usput
10:17
the natural order was reversed.
prirodni je poredak poremećen.
10:19
The children became the parents to the parent.
Djeca su roditeljima postala roditelji.
10:21
The Caribbean people came to
this country with a five-year plan:
Karibijci su ovdje stigli
s petogodišnjim planom:
10:26
they would work, some money, and then go back,
zaradit će malo novca i vratiti se,
10:29
but the five years became 10, the 10 became 15,
ali pet godina postane 10,
10 postane 15
10:31
and before you know it,
you're changing the wallpaper,
i niste se ni snašli,
a već mijenjate tapete,
10:33
and at that point, you know you're here to stay.
a onda već znate da ćete tu i ostati.
10:36
Although there's still the kind of temporariness
Iako su roditelji još uvijek imali
10:39
that our parents felt about being here,
osjećaj privremenosti,
10:42
but we children knew that the game was up.
mi djeca znali smo da je to za trajno.
10:44
I think there was a feeling that
Mislim da su se osjećali
10:49
they would not be able to continue with the ideals
kao da ne bi mogli nastaviti
10:51
of the life that they expected.
s idealima očekivanog života.
10:57
The reality was very much different.
Stvarnost se znatno razlikovala.
10:59
And also, that was true of the reality
To je posebno istinito za stvarnost
11:01
of trying to educate me.
mog pokušaja obrazovanja.
11:03
Having started the process,
my father did not continue.
Otac je započeo proces,
no nije ga nastavio.
11:04
It was left to my mother to educate me,
Mojoj je majci dopalo da me obrazuje
11:08
and as George Lamming would say,
i kako bi George Lamming rekao,
11:11
it was my mother who fathered me.
majka mi je bila otac.
11:14
Even in his absence, that old mantra remained:
I dok ga nije bilo, misao je ostala:
11:17
You are being watched.
Gledaju te.
11:20
But such ardent watchfulness can lead to anxiety,
Ali takvo strastveno nadgledanje može
uzrokovati anksioznost.
11:21
so much so that years later, when I was investigating
Nekoliko godina kasnije kad sam istraživao
11:25
why so many young black men
zašto toliki mladi crnci
11:27
were diagnosed with schizophrenia,
imaju dijagnosticiranu šizofreniju
11:28
six times more than they ought to be,
šest puta više nego što je to očekivano,
11:30
I was not surprised to hear the psychiatrist say,
nije me iznenadila izjava psihijatra:
11:33
"Black people are schooled in paranoia."
"Crnci su naučeni na paranoju."
11:36
And I wonder what Bageye would make of that.
Baš me zanima što bi
Podočnjak rekao na to.
11:41
Now I also had a 10-year-old son,
Kad sam i sam imao
desetogodišnjeg sina,
11:44
and turned my attention to Bageye
usredotočio sam se na Podočnjaka
11:47
and I went in search of him.
i krenuo ga tražiti.
11:50
He was back in Luton, he was now 82,
Vratio se u Luton, imao je 82 g.,
11:51
and I hadn't seen him for 30-odd years,
nisam ga vidio trideset i nešto godina
11:55
and when he opened the door,
i kad je otvorio vrata,
11:58
I saw this tiny little man with lambent, smiling eyes,
vidio sam malenog čovjeka vedrog pogleda,
12:00
and he was smiling, and I'd never seen him smile.
smiješio se,
nikad ga nisam vidio takvog.
12:04
I was very disconcerted by that.
To me jako zbunilo.
12:06
But we sat down, and he had
a Caribbean friend with him,
Sjeli smo, s njim je bio
prijatelj Karibijac,
12:09
talking some old time talk,
pričali su stare priče
12:12
and my father would look at me,
i otac me pogledavao,
12:15
and he looked at me as if I would
gledao me kao da bih mogao
12:17
miraculously disappear as I had arisen.
nestati jednako čudnovato
kao što sam se tu i stvorio.
12:19
And he turned to his friend, and he said,
Okrenuo se svome prijatelju
i rekao mu:
12:23
"This boy and me have a deep, deep connection,
"Ovaj momak i ja
imamo duboku povezanost,
12:25
deep, deep connection."
jako duboku povezanost."
12:28
But I never felt that connection.
Ali ja je nikad nisam osjećao.
12:31
If there was a pulse, it was very weak
Ako je postojao puls, bio je jako slab
12:32
or hardly at all.
ili jedva da je postojao.
12:35
And I almost felt in the course of that reunion
U tom ponovnom okupljanju,
12:38
that I was auditioning to be my father's son.
osjećao sam se kao na audiciji za sina.
12:40
When the book came out,
Kad je knjiga izašla, imala je
12:44
it had fair reviews in the national papers,
solidne kritike u državnim novinama,
12:46
but the paper of choice in Luton is not The Guardian,
ali u Lutonu se ne čita The Guardian,
12:48
it's the Luton News,
već Luton News,
12:51
and the Luton News ran the headline about the book,
a u Luton Newsu
knjiga je dobila naslovnicu:
12:54
"The Book That May Heal a 32-Year-Old Rift."
"Knjiga koja bi mogla zaliječiti
32-ogodišnji jaz."
12:57
And I understood that could also represent
Shvatio sam da to
također može predstavljati
13:03
the rift between one generation and the next,
međugeneracijski jaz,
13:06
between people like me and my father's generation,
između ljudi poput mene
i očeve generacije,
13:08
but there's no tradition in Caribbean life
ali nema tradicije u karibijskom životu
13:12
of memoirs or biographies.
memoara ili biografija.
13:14
It was a tradition that you didn't
chat about your business in public.
Tradicija je glasila: ne čavrljaj
o svojim poslovima u javnosti.
13:16
But I welcomed that title, and I thought actually, yes,
No sviđao mi se taj naslov i pomislih: da,
13:20
there is a possibility that this
postoji mogućnost da će ovo
13:25
will open up conversations
that we'd never had before.
pokrenuti razgovore
koje dotad nismo vodili.
13:27
This will close the generation gap, perhaps.
Ovo će zatvoriti generacijski jaz, možda.
13:31
This could be an instrument of repair.
Ovo će biti sredstvo popravka.
13:35
And I even began to feel that this book
Počeo sam misliti da bi
13:38
may be perceived by my father
moj otac ovu knjigu mogao vidjeti
13:40
as an act of filial devotion.
kao odraz sinovljeve odanosti.
13:43
Poor, deluded fool.
Jadna, zaluđena budala.
13:47
Bageye was stung by what he perceived to be
Podočnjaka je zaboljelo
ono što je smatrao
13:51
the public airing of his shortcomings.
javnim prikazom svojih nedostataka.
13:55
He was stung by my betrayal,
Zaboljela ga je izdaja,
13:58
and he went to the newspapers the next day
pa je sljedeći dan otišao do novina
14:01
and demanded a right of reply,
i tražio pravo replike
14:03
and he got it with the headline
koju je dobio naslovnicom:
14:04
"Bageye Bites Back."
"Podočnjak uzvraća udarac."
14:06
And it was a coruscating account of my betrayal.
Bio je to blistav prikaz moje izdaje.
14:09
I was no son of his.
Nisam bio njegov sin.
14:12
He recognized in his mind that his colors
U njegovom su umu
njegove boje bile
14:15
had been dragged through the
mud, and he couldn't allow that.
okaljane, a on to nije mogao dozvoliti.
14:17
He had to restore his dignity, and he did so,
Morao je povratiti svoje dostojanstvo
i to je i učinio.
14:20
and initially, although I was disappointed,
U početku, iako sam bio razočaran,
14:22
I grew to admire that stance.
divio sam se njegovom stavu.
14:25
There was still fire bubbling through his veins,
Još je bilo života u njemu,
14:26
even though he was 82 years old.
iako su mu bile 82 godine.
14:30
And if it meant that we would now return
Ako je to značilo da ćemo se sada vratiti
14:33
to 30 years of silence,
na trideset godina šutnje,
14:36
my father would say, "If it's so, then it's so."
moj bi otac rekao:
"Ako tako mora biti, neka bude tako."
14:39
Jamaicans will tell you that
there's no such thing as facts,
Jamajčani će vam reći
da ne postoje činjenice,
14:45
there are only versions.
postoje samo verzije.
14:48
We all tell ourselves the versions of the story
Svi si mi pričamo verzije priče
14:50
that we can best live with.
s kojom najlakše možemo živjeti.
14:53
Each generation builds up an edifice
Svaka generacija gradi zdanje
14:56
which they are reluctant or sometimes unable
koje nekad ne žele,
a nekad ne mogu
14:58
to disassemble,
srušiti,
15:00
but in the writing, my version of the story
ali kako sam pisao, moja se verzija priče
15:03
began to change,
počela mijenjati
15:06
and it was detached from me.
i bila je odvojena od mene.
15:08
I lost my hatred of my father.
Prestao sam mrziti oca.
15:12
I did no longer want him to die or to murder him,
Više nisam htio da umre ili ubiti ga,
15:15
and I felt free,
osjećao sam se slobodno,
15:20
much freer than I'd ever felt before.
puno slobodnije nego ikad prije.
15:24
And I wonder whether that freedness
I pitam se može li se ta sloboda
15:29
could be transferred to him.
prenijeti na njega.
15:31
In that initial reunion,
U tom početnom ponovnom ujedinjenju,
15:36
I was struck by an idea that I had
shvatio sam da imam
15:40
very few photographs of myself
vrlo malo fotografija sebe
15:42
as a young child.
kao djeteta.
15:46
This is a photograph of me,
Ovo je jedna moja fotografija,
15:48
nine months old.
imao sam devet mjeseci.
15:50
In the original photograph,
U originalnoj fotografiji
15:53
I'm being held up by my father, Bageye,
drži me otac, Podočnjak,
15:55
but when my parents separated, my mother
ali kad su se moji rastali, mama ga je
15:58
excised him from all aspects of our lives.
uklonila iz svih aspekata naših života.
16:00
She took a pair of scissors and cut
him out of every photograph,
Uzela je škarice i izrezala ga
iz svake fotografije
16:03
and for years, I told myself
the truth of this photograph
i godinama sam si govorio da je
istina koja se krije u ovoj fotografiji
16:07
was that you are alone,
ta da si sam,
16:10
you are unsupported.
ne možeš se osloniti ni na koga.
16:13
But there's another way of looking at this photograph.
No možemo je promatrati i na drugi način.
16:16
This is a photograph that has the potential
Ovo je fotografija koja može omogućiti
16:18
for a reunion,
ponovno ujedinjenje,
16:21
a potential to be reunited with my father,
ponovno ujedinjenje s ocem,
16:23
and in my yearning to be held up by my father,
a u svojoj želji da me drži otac,
16:26
I held him up to the light.
držao sam ga uz svjetlo.
16:30
In that first reunion,
U tom prvom ujedinjenju,
16:33
it was very awkward and tense moments,
bilo je jako neugodnih i napetih trenutaka
16:36
and to lessen the tension,
i kako bismo ih umanjili,
16:38
we decided to go for a walk.
odlučili smo prošetati.
16:39
And as we walked, I was struck
Kako smo šetali, shvatio sam
16:43
that I had reverted to being the child
da sam se vratio ulozi djeteta
16:45
even though I was now towering above my father.
iako sam sada puno viši od oca.
16:47
I was almost a foot taller than my father.
Bio sam od njega viši skoro 30 cm.
16:50
He was still the big man,
On je još uvijek bio krupan čovjek,
16:53
and I tried to match his step.
pokušavao sam ga pratiti korakom.
16:55
And I realized that he was walking
Shvatio sam da hoda
17:00
as if he was still under observation,
kao da ga se još uvijek nadgleda,
17:02
but I admired his walk.
ali divio sam se njegovu hodu.
17:04
He walked like a man
Hodao je poput čovjeka
17:07
on the losing side of the F.A. Cup Final
gubitničke ekipe u finalu FA kupa,
17:10
mounting the steps to collect his condolence medal.
koji se penje po stepenicama po svoju
utješnu medalju.
17:13
There was dignity in defeat.
Bilo je dostojanstva u tom porazu.
17:16
Thank you.
Hvala vam.
17:20
(Applause)
(Pljesak)
17:22

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About the speaker:

Colin Grant - Author, historian
Colin Grant is an author and historian whose works focus on larger-than-life figures of the African diaspora.

Why you should listen
Colin Grant is an English historian and son of black Jamaican immigrants who explores the legacy of slavery and its effect on modern generations of the African diaspora. In Negro with a Hat: The Rise and Fall of Marcus Garvey Grant chronicles the life of the controversial Jamaican politician and his obsession with a "redeemed" Africa; in I & I: The Natural Mystics, Marley, Tosh and Wailer he explores the struggles faced by now legendary Rastafarian reggae artists the Wailers; and in his most recent book, Bageye at the Wheel, Grant confronts his own father in a memoir about his lifelong inner conflict with the immigrant experience.
Grant is also an Associate Fellow in the Centre for Caribbean Studies at the University of Warwick and a producer for BBC Radio.
More profile about the speaker
Colin Grant | Speaker | TED.com