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Colin Grant: How our stories cross over

科林·格兰特: 难以相处的父亲

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科林·格兰特花了一生的时间在他与父亲的感情世界间探索。格兰特在英国出生,有一对牙买加父母,他描述了他的移民团体间共有的经历——并且从中反映出了他是如何宽恕了那位曾经排斥他的父亲。

- Author, historian
Colin Grant is an author and historian whose works focus on larger-than-life figures of the African diaspora. Full bio

This is a photograph照片
这是一张照片
00:12
of a man whom for many许多 years年份
照片中的男人是一个很多年来
00:14
I plotted绘制 to kill.
我都处心积虑想杀掉的人。
00:17
This is my father父亲,
他是我的父亲,
00:21
Clinton克林顿 George乔治 "BageyeBageye" Grant格兰特.
克林顿 乔治 "泡泡眼“ 格兰。
00:24
He's called BageyeBageye because he has
他被称为“泡泡眼”是因为
00:27
permanent常驻 bags包装袋 under his eyes眼睛.
在他的眼下永远有两个大眼袋。
00:30
As a 10-year-old-岁, along沿 with my siblings兄弟姐妹,
作为一个十岁的孩子,与兄弟姐妹一同,
00:34
I dreamt梦见 of scraping off the poison
我设想着将除蝇纸上的
00:37
from fly-killer飞杀手 paper into his coffee咖啡,
毒药刮下来放到我父亲的咖啡中;
00:41
grounded接地 down glass玻璃 and sprinkling it
将玻璃摔碎然后
00:45
over his breakfast早餐,
洒在他的早餐上;
00:47
loosening松动 the carpet地毯 on the stairs楼梯
把台阶上的地毯弄皱,
00:50
so he would trip and break打破 his neck颈部.
这样他就会绊倒然后摔断脖子。
00:51
But come the day, he would always
但是,在当天他总是能
00:55
skip跳跃 that loose疏松 step,
越过那节松了的台阶,
00:57
he would always bow out of the house
他总是会低着头就出门了,
00:59
without so much as a swig痛饮 of coffee咖啡
而没有大口喝咖啡,
01:01
or a bite to eat.
也没有吃一口早餐。
01:03
And so for many许多 years年份,
因此,这么多年来,
01:05
I feared害怕 that my father父亲 would die
我害怕我的父亲在我有机会
01:07
before I had a chance机会 to kill him.
杀掉他之前就去世了。
01:09
(Laughter笑声)
(笑声...)
01:11
Up until直到 our mother母亲 asked him to leave离开
在我们的母亲让他离开,
01:15
and not come back,
并且再也不要回来之前,
01:18
BageyeBageye had been a terrifying可怕的 ogre怪物.
“泡泡眼”一直是一个可怕的恶魔,
01:20
He teetered摇摇欲坠 permanently永久 on the verge边缘 of rage愤怒,
他永远都在愤怒的边缘徘徊,
01:24
rather like me, as you see.
这和我有些相像,
如你们现在看到的这样。
01:28
He worked工作 nights at Vauxhall沃克斯豪尔 Motors汽车 in Luton卢顿
他在卢顿的沃克斯豪尔公司上夜班,
01:31
and demanded要求 total silence安静 throughout始终 the house,
因此他要求在白天房子里要绝对安静。
01:35
so that when we came来了 home from school学校
这就使得,当我们下午三点
01:38
at 3:30 in the afternoon下午, we would huddle乱堆
放学回家后,会挤在电视旁,
01:40
beside the TV电视, and rather like safe-crackers安全,饼干,
像破解保险箱的窃贼似的,
01:42
we would twiddle玩弄 with the volume control控制 knob把手
我们会转动电视上的声音调节钮,
01:46
on the TV电视 so it was almost几乎 inaudible听不见.
来让它的声音几乎听不见。
01:48
And at times, when we were like this,
每当我们这样做的时候,
01:51
so much "Shhh," so much "Shhh"
屋子里只会有许多
01:53
going on in the house
“嘘..." ”嘘..."的声音。
01:56
that I imagined想象 us to be like
这让我想象我们就像
01:58
the German德语 crew船员 of a U-boatU艇
德国U型潜艇上的船员似的,
02:00
creeping爬行 along沿 the edge边缘 of the ocean海洋
在大海的边缘悄悄潜行,
02:03
whilst同时 up above以上, on the surface表面,
同时在上方的水面上,
02:06
HMSHMS BageyeBageye patrolled巡逻
“泡泡眼”号皇家海军在巡逻,
02:07
ready准备 to drop下降 death死亡 charges收费
随时准备着在听到第一声
02:11
at the first sound声音 of any disturbance骚乱.
噪音时执行死刑。
02:13
So that lesson was the lesson that
所以,那节课给我的告诫正是:
02:17
"Do not draw attention注意 to yourself你自己
“无论在家里,还是在外面,
02:20
either in the home or outside of the home."
都不要将别人的注意力引到你身上。”
02:22
Maybe it's a migrant农民 lesson.
也许这是对移民者告诫。
02:24
We were to be below下面 the radar雷达,
我们就像是暴露在雷达下的目标一样,
02:27
so there was no communication通讯, really,
所以,在“泡泡眼”和我们之间
02:30
between之间 BageyeBageye and us and us and BageyeBageye,
之际上并没有真正的交流。
02:31
and the sound声音 that we most looked看着 forward前锋 to,
而我们最期盼听到的声音,
02:34
you know when you're a child儿童 and you want
如大家所知那样,当你还是个孩子时,
02:37
your father父亲 to come home
and it's all going to be happy快乐
你盼望着你的父亲回家,
然后所以的一切都将幸福欢乐,
02:39
and you're waiting等候 for that sound声音 of the door opening开盘.
这就会让你期待着家门被打开的声音。
02:42
Well the sound声音 that we looked看着 forward前锋 to
然而,我和我的兄弟姐妹所期盼的声音
02:44
was the click点击 of the door closing关闭,
是房门被关上时的声响,
02:45
which哪一个 meant意味着 he'd他会 gone走了 and would not come back.
这就意味着我们的父亲出去了且不会回来了。
02:47
So for three decades几十年,
因而,三十多年来,
02:52
I never laid铺设 eyes眼睛 on my father父亲, nor也不 he on me.
我从未注视过父亲一眼,
而他也没注视过我。
02:55
We never spoke to each other for three decades几十年,
在过去的三十多年,
我们从未交谈过,
02:58
and then a couple一对 of years年份 ago, I decided决定
然后,在几年前,我决定
03:00
to turn the spotlight聚光灯 on him.
将聚光灯投向他。
03:02
"You are being存在 watched看着.
“你正在被监视,
03:06
Actually其实, you are.
真的,
03:08
You are being存在 watched看着."
你正在被监视着”
03:10
That was his mantra口头禅 to us, his children孩子.
这是他对我们—他的孩子们,
所说的咒语。
03:12
Time and time again he would say this to us.
一次又一次他这样对我们念道。
03:15
And this was the 1970s, it was Luton卢顿,
这张照片就是1970年摄于卢顿,
03:16
where he worked工作 at Vauxhall沃克斯豪尔 Motors汽车,
他当时在沃克斯豪尔公司工作,
03:19
and he was a Jamaican牙买加.
他是牙买加人。
03:21
And what he meant意味着 was,
他说那些话的意思就是,
03:23
you as a child儿童 of a Jamaican牙买加 immigrant移民
你作为一个牙买加移民者的孩子,
03:24
are being存在 watched看着
你是时刻被人监视着的。
03:26
to see which哪一个 way you turn, to see whether是否
有人监视你拐向哪条路,监视你
03:28
you conform符合 to the host主办 nation's国家 stereotype铅板 of you,
是否遵守你所移入国家为你设立的模式,
03:30
of being存在 feckless没出息, work-shy怕工作,
表现的没有价值,游手好闲,
03:34
destined注定 for a life of crime犯罪.
注定一生充满罪行。
03:36
You are being存在 watched看着,
你正在被监视着,
03:39
so confound混淆 their expectations期望 of you.
所以,把他们所有的期盼都打消吧。
03:41
To that end结束, BageyeBageye and his friends朋友,
最后,“泡泡眼”和他的朋友们,
03:45
mostly大多 Jamaican牙买加,
大部分都是牙买加人,
03:49
exhibited展出 a kind of Jamaican牙买加 bella贝拉 figuraFIGURA:
展示了一种良好的印象:
03:51
Turn your best最好 side to the world世界,
把你最好的一面展示给世界,
03:55
show显示 your best最好 face面对 to the world世界.
将你最好的面貌展现给世界。
03:57
If you have seen看到 some of the images图片
如果你见过这些
04:00
of the Caribbean加勒比 people arriving到达
四五十年代时加勒比人
04:01
in the '40s and '50s,
刚到达这里的图片,
04:03
you might威力 have noticed注意到 that a lot of the men男人
你也许会发现他们中的很多人
04:05
wear穿 trilbiestrilbies.
戴着软毡帽。
04:07
Now, there was no tradition传统
of wearing穿着 trilbiestrilbies in Jamaica牙买加.
如今,牙买加人再也
没有戴软毡帽的传统了。
04:08
They invented发明 that tradition传统 for their arrival到达 here.
他们是为了抵达这里才创立了这个传统。
04:12
They wanted to project项目 themselves他们自己 in a way
他们试图把自己包装成
04:15
that they wanted to be perceived感知,
他们想要别人见到的那一面。
04:17
so that the way they looked看着
所以,他们的样子
04:19
and the names that they gave themselves他们自己
以及他们给自己取的名字
04:21
defined定义 them.
定义了他们。
04:23
So BageyeBageye is bald and has baggy松松垮垮 eyes眼睛.
因此,“泡泡眼”是一个有大眼袋的光头。
04:25
Tidy整洁 Boots靴子 is very fussy挑剔 about his footwear鞋类.
“整洁靴子”对他的鞋子十分讲究。
04:31
Anxious is always anxious.
“焦虑”总是表现出很焦虑。
04:35
Clock时钟 has one arm longer than the other.
"钟表“的胳膊一只长一只短。
04:37
(Laughter笑声)
(笑声...)
04:40
And my all-time整天 favorite喜爱 was the
guy they called SummerwearSummerwear.
长期以来我最喜欢的一位是
被叫做”夏日装着“的人。
04:44
When SummerwearSummerwear came来了 to this country国家
在60年代早期当”夏日装着“从牙买加
04:47
from Jamaica牙买加 in the early '60s, he insisted坚持
来到这个国家时,
04:49
on wearing穿着 light summer夏季 suits西装,
无论天气如何,
04:51
no matter the weather天气,
他都坚持穿轻便的夏日装着。
04:53
and in the course课程 of researching研究 their lives生活,
在我研究父辈们生活的过程时,
04:55
I asked my mom妈妈, "Whatever随你
became成为 of SummerwearSummerwear?"
我问我的母亲:”夏日装着“后来发生了什么?
04:56
And she said, "He caught抓住 a cold and died死亡." (Laughter笑声)
她回答说:他得感冒去世了。(笑声...)
04:59
But men男人 like SummerwearSummerwear
但是,像”夏日装着“这样的人
05:04
taught us the importance重要性 of style样式.
教会了我们个人风格的重要性。
05:06
Maybe they exaggerated夸张的 their style样式
也许他们过度夸大了自身的风格,
05:08
because they thought that they were not considered考虑
因为他们觉得自己是被人们
05:10
to be quite相当 civilized文明,
看作是不文明的,
05:13
and they transferred转入 that generational attitude态度
并且,他们还把他们那一代人的态度
05:15
or anxiety焦虑 onto us, the next下一个 generation,
或焦虑传到了下一代——我们的身上。
05:18
so much so that when I was growing生长 up,
以致于当我渐渐长大时,
05:20
if ever on the television电视 news新闻 or radio无线电
只要在电视新闻或者收音机上
05:23
a report报告 came来了 up about a black黑色 person
出现关于一个黑人犯罪
05:25
committing提交 some crime犯罪
的报道,
05:26
a mugging抢劫, a murder谋杀, a burglary窃案
比如行凶抢劫,谋杀,盗窃等,
05:28
we winced畏缩 along沿 with our parents父母,
我们和父母都会一同避开,
05:32
because they were letting出租 the side down.
因为这些报道会让我们失落。
05:35
You did not just represent代表 yourself你自己.
你不仅仅代表着你自己
05:38
You represented代表 the group,
而代表着整个群体。
05:39
and it was a terrifying可怕的 thing to come to terms条款 with,
这是需要忍受的一件很可怕的事,
05:41
in a way, that maybe you were going
在某种程度上,人们很可能
05:46
to be perceived感知 in the same相同 light.
会以同样的目光看待你。
05:48
So that was what needed需要 to be challenged挑战.
所以这就是需要被挑战的。
05:52
Our father父亲 and many许多 of his colleagues同事
我们的父亲和他的许多同事
05:56
exhibited展出 a kind of transmission传输 but not receiving接收.
展现出了一种传播而不是接收。
06:00
They were built内置 to transmit发送 but not receive接收.
他们生来就是为了传播而不是接收的。
06:04
We were to keep quiet安静.
我们被要求保持安静。
06:06
When our father父亲 did speak说话 to us,
当父亲对我们说话时,
06:09
it was from the pulpit讲坛 of his mind心神.
那是来自他思想的讲坛。
06:10
They clung抱定 to certainty肯定 in the belief信仰
他们是如此依附于那些信仰的正确性,
06:13
that doubt怀疑 would undermine破坏 them.
以致于任何怀疑都会诋毁他们。
06:15
But when I am working加工 in my house
但是,当次我在家中工作和写作时,
06:19
and writing写作, after a day's writing写作, I rush downstairs楼下
在完成了一天的写作后,我冲下楼梯
06:22
and I'm very excited兴奋 to talk about
Marcus马库斯 Garvey加维 or Bob短发 Marley马利
我非常激动得想谈论
马克思·加维或巴布·马里,
06:26
and words are tripping跳闸 out of my mouth like butterflies蝴蝶
言辞像蝴蝶似的从我嘴中飞出,
06:29
and I'm so excited兴奋 that my children孩子 stop me,
我如此兴奋以致于我的孩子们打断了我,
06:32
and they say, "Dad, nobody没有人 cares管它."
他们说:爸爸,没人在乎这些。
06:35
(Laughter笑声)
(笑声...)
06:38
But they do care关心, actually其实.
但是,事实上,他们是在乎的。
06:42
They cross交叉 over.
他们穿过你,
06:44
Somehow不知何故 they find their way to you.
不知怎么,他们寻找到了通向你的道路。
06:46
They shape形状 their lives生活 according根据
to the narrative叙述 of your life,
他们参照你生活的叙述来
塑造着他们自己的生活,
06:48
as I did with my father父亲 and my mother母亲, perhaps也许,
也许,正如我和我的父母做的那样,
06:52
and maybe BageyeBageye did with his father父亲.
也许也像”泡泡眼“和他父亲那样。
06:56
And that was clearer更清晰 to me
在我研究我父亲生活的过程中,
06:59
in the course课程 of looking at his life
我对这一点的理解越来越清晰,
07:00
and understanding理解, as they say,
而且我明白了,正如他们说的那样,
07:03
the Native本地人 Americans美国人 say,
美国原住民所说的那样,
07:06
"Do not criticize批评 the man until直到 you can walk步行
”不要在你没有经历过他人所经历的事
07:08
in his moccasins硬底软面拖鞋."
之前就随意评论他。
07:09
But in conjuring戏法 his life, it was okay
但是,在他魔术般的人生中,
07:12
and very straightforward直截了当 to portray写真
在描述19世纪70年代生活
07:14
a Caribbean加勒比 life in England英国 in the 1970s
于英国的加勒比人时,
07:18
with bowls of plastic塑料 fruit水果,
用桌上摆着的几碗塑料水果,
07:21
polystyrene聚苯乙烯 ceiling天花板 tiles瓷砖,
聚苯乙烯天花板,
07:26
settees长沙发 permanently永久 sheathed护套
以及永远罩着刚买来时的透明塑料罩的长沙发
07:29
in their transparent透明 covers盖子
that they were delivered交付 in.
来描述他们是即正确有直率的。
07:31
But what's more difficult to navigate导航
但是,两代之间的
07:34
is the emotional情绪化 landscape景观
情感鸿沟则
07:36
between之间 the generations,
是更难以跨越的,
07:38
and the old adage谚语 that with age年龄 comes wisdom智慧
古话说道:智慧会随着年龄增长,
07:40
is not true真正.
这并不是真的。
07:45
With age年龄 comes the veneer单板 of respectability尊重
年龄会带来受人尊敬的表象,
07:47
and a veneer单板 of uncomfortable不舒服 truths真理.
和令人不适的真理的表象。
07:50
But what was true真正 was that my parents父母,
但真相是,我的父母,
07:53
my mother母亲, and my father父亲 went along沿 with it,
我的母亲和父亲都同意的是,
07:56
did not trust相信 the state to educate教育 me.
他们并不信任所在州立学校对我进行的教育。
07:59
So listen to how I sound声音.
所以听听我说的话吧。
08:01
They determined决心 that they would
send发送 me to a private私人的 school学校,
他们决定把我送去一所私立学校,
08:04
but my father父亲 worked工作 at Vauxhall沃克斯豪尔 Motors汽车.
但是我的父亲在沃克斯豪尔公司工作,
08:08
It's quite相当 difficult to fund基金 a private私人的 school学校 education教育
这使得为私立学校付学费,同时
08:10
and feed饲料 his army军队 of children孩子.
并为他所有的孩子提供食物是十分困难的。
08:14
I remember记得 going on to the school学校
我记得去那所学校参加入学测试时,
08:16
for the entrance入口 exam考试, and my father父亲 said
我父亲对神父说
08:18
to the priest牧师 — it was a Catholic天主教徒 school学校
那是一所天主教学校
08:20
he wanted a better "heducationheducation" for the boy男孩,
他希望这个孩子能得到更好的”角“育,
08:24
but also, he, my father父亲,
但是,同样,他,我的父亲,
08:28
never even managed管理 to pass通过 worms蠕虫,
从未打算要通过卫生检查,
08:31
never mind心神 entrance入口 exams考试.
更不在意入学考试了。
08:34
But in order订购 to fund基金 my education教育,
但是为了资助我的学费,
08:36
he was going to have to do some dodgy躲闪的 stuff东东,
他打算做些投机取巧的事,
08:38
so my father父亲 would fund基金 my education教育
所以,我父亲打算通过在他的车后备箱
08:41
by trading贸易 in illicit非法的 goods产品 from the back of his car汽车,
贩卖非法货品来为我付学费,
08:44
and that was made制作 even more tricky狡猾 because
但更为棘手的是
08:48
my father父亲, that's not his car汽车 by the way.
那辆车甚至并不是我父亲的。
08:49
My father父亲 aspired渴望 to have a car汽车 like that,
我父亲他一直期望有一辆那样的车,
08:51
but my father父亲 had a beaten-up被打 Mini微型,
但他仅有的是一辆破旧的Mini,
08:53
and he never, being存在 a
Jamaican牙买加 coming未来 to this country国家,
作为一个牙买加移民,
08:55
he never had a driving主动 license执照,
他从未获得驾照,
09:00
he never had any insurance保险 or road tax or MOTMOT.
也从未交过保险和道路税,也没参加驾照考试。
09:02
He thought, "I know how to drive驾驶;
他认为:“我知道如何开车,
09:06
why do I need the state's状态 validation验证?"
为什么还需要州政府来验证?”
09:08
But it became成为 a little tricky狡猾 when
we were stopped停止 by the police警察,
但是,这就使得在警察让我们
停下来时比较棘手,
09:11
and we were stopped停止 a lot by the police警察,
而警察又常常让我停下来,
09:13
and I was impressed印象深刻 by the way
我对我父亲与警察交涉的方式
09:15
that my father父亲 dealt处理 with the police警察.
印象深刻。
09:16
He would promote促进 the policeman警察 immediately立即,
他会立刻让警察升职,
09:18
so that P.C. Bloggs布罗格斯 became成为 Detective侦探 Inspector检查员 Bloggs布罗格斯
在谈话的过程中,警察布洛格斯
09:21
in the course课程 of the conversation会话
变成了探长布洛格斯,
09:25
and wave us on merrily欢快.
然后愉快的向我们挥手告别。
09:26
So my father父亲 was exhibiting参展 what we in Jamaica牙买加
这就是我父亲在展示我们
09:28
called "playing播放 fool傻子 to catch抓住 wise明智的."
牙买加人称之为的“扮猪吃老虎”的智慧。
09:30
But it lent借给 also an idea理念
但是,这也许以另一种想法也能解释,
09:34
that actually其实 he was being存在 diminished减少
就是实际上,他被警察贬低
09:38
or belittled轻视 by the policeman警察
和轻视了,
09:40
as a 10-year-old-岁 boy男孩, I saw that —
作为一个十岁的男孩,我看出了这点,
09:42
but also there was an ambivalence矛盾 towards authority权威.
但是还是一种对当权者的一种矛盾心理。
09:44
So on the one hand, there was
所以,一方面
09:46
a mocking嘲讽 of authority权威,
是对当权的嘲讽,
09:48
but on the other hand, there was a deference尊重
但是,另一方面,
09:50
towards authority权威,
是对当权者的敬重,
09:52
and these Caribbean加勒比 people
且这些加勒比人,
09:54
had an overbearing霸道 obedience服从 towards authority权威,
以一种非常显著且奇怪的方式
09:56
which哪一个 is very striking引人注目, very strange奇怪 in a way,
对当权者者极其服从,
10:00
because migrants移民 are very courageous勇敢 people.
因为移民者都是十分有勇气的人。
10:02
They leave离开 their homes家园. My father父亲 and my mother母亲
他们远走他乡。
10:05
left Jamaica牙买加 and they traveled旅行 4,000 miles英里,
我的父母离开牙买加,然后旅行了四千英里,
10:08
and yet然而 they were infantilizedinfantilized by travel旅行.
即便如此,他们仍不擅长旅行。
10:12
They were timid胆小,
他们非常胆小,
10:16
and somewhere某处 along沿 the line线,
而不知在前行道路上的何处,
10:17
the natural自然 order订购 was reversed反向的.
自然的秩序被颠倒了,
10:19
The children孩子 became成为 the parents父母 to the parent.
孩子们反而成为了父母们的父母。
10:21
The Caribbean加勒比 people came来了 to
this country国家 with a five-year五年 plan计划:
加勒比人是带着他们的五年
计划来到这个国家的:
10:26
they would work, some money, and then go back,
即他们工作,赚钱,然后回加勒比,
10:29
but the five years年份 became成为 10, the 10 became成为 15,
但是“五年”变成了十年,
接着十年变成了十五年,
10:31
and before you know it,
you're changing改变 the wallpaper墙纸,
接下来,在你还未意识到时,
你正在换家中的墙纸,
10:33
and at that point, you know you're here to stay.
也就是在这时,你才知道自己要留在这里了。
10:36
Although虽然 there's still the kind of temporariness暂时性
尽管,我父母依旧觉得留在这里
10:39
that our parents父母 felt about being存在 here,
是一种暂时性的事,
10:42
but we children孩子 knew知道 that the game游戏 was up.
但是我们这些孩子都知道游戏已经结束了。
10:44
I think there was a feeling感觉 that
我认为,这是一种觉得
10:49
they would not be able能够 to continue继续 with the ideals理想
他们没有能力继续他们所期盼的
10:51
of the life that they expected预期.
理想生活的感觉。
10:57
The reality现实 was very much different不同.
而现实是与之如此不同。
10:59
And also, that was true真正 of the reality现实
此外,我父亲试图教育我
11:01
of trying to educate教育 me.
这一现实也是真的。
11:03
Having started开始 the process处理,
my father父亲 did not continue继续.
是他开始教育我的,
但他并没有坚持下来。
11:04
It was left to my mother母亲 to educate教育 me,
而是留给我母亲来继续教育我,
11:08
and as George乔治 LammingLamming would say,
正如乔治·雷明说的那样,
11:11
it was my mother母亲 who fathered me.
是我的母亲扮演了我父亲的角色。
11:14
Even in his absence缺席, that old mantra口头禅 remained保持:
即便他缺席了,他古老的”咒语“依旧存在:
11:17
You are being存在 watched看着.
你正在被监视着。
11:20
But such这样 ardent热心 watchfulness警觉 can lead to anxiety焦虑,
但是如此炽热的注视会导致焦虑,
11:21
so much so that years年份 later后来, when I was investigating调查
这就使得许多年后,当我在研究
11:25
why so many许多 young年轻 black黑色 men男人
为何如此多的黑人青年
11:27
were diagnosed确诊 with schizophrenia精神分裂症,
被诊断为精神分裂症,
11:28
six times more than they ought应该 to be,
该疾病在他们身上的发病率是他们原本发病率的六倍,
11:30
I was not surprised诧异 to hear the psychiatrist心理医生 say,
而且在我听到心理医生说:”黑人们
11:33
"Black黑色 people are schooled接受教育 in paranoia偏执."
在恐吓中被教育“时我并不感到吃惊。
11:36
And I wonder奇迹 what BageyeBageye would make of that.
我很好奇”泡泡眼“对此有何想法。
11:41
Now I also had a 10-year-old-岁 son儿子,
现在,我自己也有了一个十岁的儿子,
11:44
and turned转身 my attention注意 to BageyeBageye
我便开始把注意力转向”泡泡眼“
11:47
and I went in search搜索 of him.
我开始寻找他。
11:50
He was back in Luton卢顿, he was now 82,
他回到了卢顿,他当时已经82岁了,
11:51
and I hadn't有没有 seen看到 him for 30-odd-奇 years年份,
而我已经有三十几年没见过他了,
11:55
and when he opened打开 the door,
当他来开门时,
11:58
I saw this tiny little man with lambentlambent, smiling微笑 eyes眼睛,
我看见这个瘦小的男人眼中带着隐约的笑意,
12:00
and he was smiling微笑, and I'd never seen看到 him smile微笑.
他在冲我微笑,而我之前从未见他笑过。
12:04
I was very disconcerted不安 by that.
这使我感到非常惊惶。
12:06
But we satSAT down, and he had
a Caribbean加勒比 friend朋友 with him,
但是,我们坐下后,而且他有
位加勒比朋友正与他一起,
12:09
talking some old time talk,
我父亲正与他聊一陈年往事,
12:12
and my father父亲 would look at me,
我父亲看向我,
12:15
and he looked看着 at me as if I would
他看向我的样子
12:17
miraculously奇迹般地 disappear消失 as I had arisen兴起.
好像我会像我突然出现那样乍然的消失。
12:19
And he turned转身 to his friend朋友, and he said,
接着,他转向他的朋友,说到:
12:23
"This boy男孩 and me have a deep, deep connection连接,
“这个男孩和我有着很深的联系,
12:25
deep, deep connection连接."
很深,很深的联系。”
12:28
But I never felt that connection连接.
但是我从没感觉到这种联系。
12:31
If there was a pulse脉冲, it was very weak
如果我们之间有某种脉动,那也非常弱
12:32
or hardly几乎不 at all.
或者基本没有。
12:35
And I almost几乎 felt in the course课程 of that reunion团圆
我几乎快要觉得,在重聚的过程中,
12:38
that I was auditioning试镜 to be my father's父亲的 son儿子.
我是在为担当我父亲的儿子试镜。
12:40
When the book came来了 out,
当书出版时,
12:44
it had fair公平 reviews评论 in the national国民 papers文件,
它在国家报纸上有着不错的评论,
12:46
but the paper of choice选择 in Luton卢顿 is not The Guardian监护人,
但是在卢顿,人们选择的包装并不是卫报,
12:48
it's the Luton卢顿 News新闻,
而是卢顿新闻,
12:51
and the Luton卢顿 News新闻 ran the headline标题 about the book,
卢顿新闻将这本书作为了头条,
12:54
"The Book That May可能 Heal愈合 a 32-Year-Old-岁 Rift裂痕."
标题写道:“一本能够愈合32年的裂痕的书”。
12:57
And I understood了解 that could also represent代表
并且我理解这可能也代表了
13:03
the rift裂痕 between之间 one generation and the next下一个,
两代之间的裂痕,
13:06
between之间 people like me and my father's父亲的 generation,
像是我和我父亲这一代人之间的这种裂痕,
13:08
but there's no tradition传统 in Caribbean加勒比 life
但是在加勒比人的生活中,
13:12
of memoirs回忆录 or biographies传记.
并没有记录回忆或者写传记的传统。
13:14
It was a tradition传统 that you didn't
chat about your business商业 in public上市.
那只有不在公共场合谈论私事的传统。
13:16
But I welcomed欢迎 that title标题, and I thought actually其实, yes,
但是我很喜欢这个标题,
而且我认为正是如此,
13:20
there is a possibility可能性 that this
这也许提供了让我们进行一次
13:25
will open打开 up conversations对话
that we'd星期三 never had before.
从未有过的谈话的可能性。
13:27
This will close the generation gap间隙, perhaps也许.
也许,这能使我们之间的代沟变小。
13:31
This could be an instrument仪器 of repair修理.
这也可能成为修复我们之间关系的工具。
13:35
And I even began开始 to feel that this book
我甚至开始觉得我父亲
13:38
may可能 be perceived感知 by my father父亲
会将这本书理解为
13:40
as an act法案 of filial devotion忠诚.
是一种孝心的展现。
13:43
Poor较差的, deluded迷惑 fool傻子.
这个傻子。
13:47
BageyeBageye was stung刺痛 by what he perceived感知 to be
”泡泡眼“被激怒了,因为他认为
13:51
the public上市 airing晾干 of his shortcomings缺点.
这本书使公众知道了他的缺点。
13:55
He was stung刺痛 by my betrayal辜负,
他被我的背叛激怒了,
13:58
and he went to the newspapers报纸 the next下一个 day
第二天,他去了报纸发行处
14:01
and demanded要求 a right of reply回复,
并且要求他们给他回应的权利,
14:03
and he got it with the headline标题
接着,他得到了次日的头条:
14:04
"BageyeBageye Bites叮咬 Back."
”泡泡眼的回击“。
14:06
And it was a coruscating account帐户 of my betrayal辜负.
这是一个备受瞩目的对我的背叛做出的解释,
14:09
I was no son儿子 of his.
我不是他的儿子。
14:12
He recognized认可 in his mind心神 that his colors颜色
他意识到他的颜面扫地,
14:15
had been dragged through通过 the
mud, and he couldn't不能 allow允许 that.
被污泥沾染,而他不能允许这样的事发生。
14:17
He had to restore恢复 his dignity尊严, and he did so,
他必须要重建他的尊严,他也这么做了。
14:20
and initially原来, although虽然 I was disappointed失望,
虽然,一开始我对此很失望,
14:22
I grew成长 to admire欣赏 that stance姿态.
但是我渐渐开始钦佩他的立场了。
14:25
There was still fire bubbling冒泡 through通过 his veins,
尽管他已经82岁了,
14:26
even though虽然 he was 82 years年份 old.
但他的血管中仍有澎湃的火球。
14:30
And if it meant意味着 that we would now return返回
如果这意味着我们可能重新
14:33
to 30 years年份 of silence安静,
回到那互不交谈的30年,
14:36
my father父亲 would say, "If it's so, then it's so."
我父亲可能会说:“如果是这样,那就只能如此了。”
14:39
Jamaicans牙买加人 will tell you that
there's no such这样 thing as facts事实,
牙买加可能会说没有诸如“事实”这样的事,
14:45
there are only versions版本.
只有不同的版本。
14:48
We all tell ourselves我们自己 the versions版本 of the story故事
人们总是讲述自己不同版本的故事,
14:50
that we can best最好 live生活 with.
他们所能承受的最佳版本。
14:53
Each generation builds建立 up an edifice大厦
每代人都建造了自己的知识结构,
14:56
which哪一个 they are reluctant不情愿 or sometimes有时 unable无法
这使得他们不情愿或者有时不能
14:58
to disassemble拆卸,
拆解这些结构,
15:00
but in the writing写作, my version of the story故事
但是在我的写作中,我的故事版本
15:03
began开始 to change更改,
开始改变了,
15:06
and it was detached超脱 from me.
它与我自身分离了,
15:08
I lost丢失 my hatred of my father父亲.
我不再厌恶我父亲了。
15:12
I did no longer want him to die or to murder谋杀 him,
我不再盼望着他去世或者想要谋杀他了,
15:15
and I felt free自由,
而且我感觉到了一种解脱,
15:20
much freer自由 than I'd ever felt before.
我以前从未感觉到如此自由。
15:24
And I wonder奇迹 whether是否 that freednessfreedness
并且我很好奇这种自由是否
15:29
could be transferred转入 to him.
能够传递给我的父亲。
15:31
In that initial初始 reunion团圆,
在最初的重聚中,
15:36
I was struck来袭 by an idea理念 that I had
我突然想到,
15:40
very few少数 photographs照片 of myself
我小的时候
15:42
as a young年轻 child儿童.
很少有自己的独照。
15:46
This is a photograph照片 of me,
这是一张我的照片,
15:48
nine months个月 old.
是九个月大时的我。
15:50
In the original原版的 photograph照片,
在原始的照片中,
15:53
I'm being存在 held保持 up by my father父亲, BageyeBageye,
我是被我父亲“泡泡眼”高高举起的,
15:55
but when my parents父母 separated分离, my mother母亲
但是在我父母分开后,我母亲
15:58
excised切除 him from all aspects方面 of our lives生活.
将他从我们生活中的各方面都剔除了。
16:00
She took a pair of scissors剪刀 and cut
him out of every一切 photograph照片,
她拿剪刀把每张照片中的父亲都减掉了,
16:03
and for years年份, I told myself
the truth真相 of this photograph照片
许多年来,我告诉自己,
这些照片的真相是:
16:07
was that you are alone单独,
我是孤单一人的,
16:10
you are unsupported不支持.
我是不被支持的。
16:13
But there's another另一个 way of looking at this photograph照片.
但是,还有另一种方式来看这些照片。
16:16
This is a photograph照片 that has the potential潜在
这是有着重聚潜质
16:18
for a reunion团圆,
的照片,
16:21
a potential潜在 to be reunited重聚 with my father父亲,
和我父亲重聚的潜质,
16:23
and in my yearning怀念 to be held保持 up by my father父亲,
在我希望被父亲高高举起的渴望中,
16:26
I held保持 him up to the light.
我将他举向了聚光灯前。
16:30
In that first reunion团圆,
第一次的重聚时,
16:33
it was very awkward尴尬 and tense紧张 moments瞬间,
那是气氛既尴尬又紧张的时刻,
16:36
and to lessen减少 the tension张力,
为了减缓紧张的氛围,
16:38
we decided决定 to go for a walk步行.
我们决定去散散步。
16:39
And as we walked, I was struck来袭
在我们散步的途中,
16:43
that I had reverted回复 to being存在 the child儿童
我突然发现,我又变回了孩子,
16:45
even though虽然 I was now towering参天 above以上 my father父亲.
尽管我比父亲高了很多。
16:47
I was almost几乎 a foot脚丫子 taller than my father父亲.
我几乎比父亲高一尺,
16:50
He was still the big man,
但他仍旧是个大人,
16:53
and I tried试着 to match比赛 his step.
而我试图跟上他的步伐。
16:55
And I realized实现 that he was walking步行
接着我意识到,
17:00
as if he was still under observation意见,
他正在以仍被人注视着的方式走路,
17:02
but I admired尊敬的 his walk步行.
但我钦佩他的这种走路方式。
17:04
He walked like a man
他像世界杯决赛失败的人
17:07
on the losing失去 side of the F.A. Cup杯子 Final最后
那样走着路,
17:10
mounting安装 the steps脚步 to collect搜集 his condolence慰问 medal勋章.
一步步登上阶梯领取他的安慰奖。
17:13
There was dignity尊严 in defeat打败.
在失败中流露出了尊严。
17:16
Thank you.
谢谢。
17:20
(Applause掌声)
(掌声...)
17:22
Translated by Ru Zha
Reviewed by Panpan XIONG

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About the speaker:

Colin Grant - Author, historian
Colin Grant is an author and historian whose works focus on larger-than-life figures of the African diaspora.

Why you should listen
Colin Grant is an English historian and son of black Jamaican immigrants who explores the legacy of slavery and its effect on modern generations of the African diaspora. In Negro with a Hat: The Rise and Fall of Marcus Garvey Grant chronicles the life of the controversial Jamaican politician and his obsession with a "redeemed" Africa; in I & I: The Natural Mystics, Marley, Tosh and Wailer he explores the struggles faced by now legendary Rastafarian reggae artists the Wailers; and in his most recent book, Bageye at the Wheel, Grant confronts his own father in a memoir about his lifelong inner conflict with the immigrant experience.
Grant is also an Associate Fellow in the Centre for Caribbean Studies at the University of Warwick and a producer for BBC Radio.
More profile about the speaker
Colin Grant | Speaker | TED.com