English-Video.net comment policy

The comment field is common to all languages

Let's write in your language and use "Google Translate" together

Please refer to informative community guidelines on TED.com

TEDxBrighton

Colin Grant: How our stories cross over

科林.格蘭特: 我們的故事如何跨越世代藩籬

Filmed
Views 882,273

科林.格蘭特一輩子試圖穿越他和父親之間的情感糾隔。出生於英國,父母親是牙買加人,格蘭特描繪分享他的移民社區經驗故事,反映出他如何寬恕、原諒那位曾拒他於外的父親。

- Author, historian
Colin Grant is an author and historian whose works focus on larger-than-life figures of the African diaspora. Full bio

This is a photograph照片
照片上的男人
00:12
of a man whom for many許多 years年份
是多年前我曾經
00:14
I plotted繪製 to kill.
想密謀殺死的人。
00:17
This is my father父親,
這是我的父親。
00:21
Clinton克林頓 George喬治 "BageyeBageye" Grant格蘭特.
克林頓.喬治.「大眼袋」.格蘭特。
00:24
He's called BageyeBageye because he has
他叫大眼袋是因為
00:27
permanent常駐 bags包裝袋 under his eyes眼睛.
他的眼睛下面有永久性眼袋。
00:30
As a 10-year-old-歲, along沿 with my siblings兄弟姐妹,
我 10 歲時,和我的兄弟姐妹一起,
00:34
I dreamt夢見 of scraping off the poison
我夢想自己從黏蠅板刮取毒藥
00:37
from fly-killer飛殺手 paper into his coffee咖啡,
放進他的咖啡,
00:41
grounded接地 down glass玻璃 and sprinkling it
把玻璃磨碎
00:45
over his breakfast早餐,
然後灑在他的早餐,
00:47
loosening鬆動 the carpet地毯 on the stairs樓梯
掀開樓梯上的地毯
00:50
so he would trip and break打破 his neck頸部.
使他絆倒扭斷他的脖子。
00:51
But come the day, he would always
但每次這個時刻到來時,
00:55
skip跳躍 that loose疏鬆 step,
他總能避開那鬆跨的階梯,
00:57
he would always bow out of the house
他匆匆離開家門以前
00:59
without so much as a swig痛飲 of coffee咖啡
總是一點咖啡都不喝、
01:01
or a bite to eat.
一點東西都沒吃。
01:03
And so for many許多 years年份,
因此有好多年
01:05
I feared害怕 that my father父親 would die
我害怕我的父親
01:07
before I had a chance機會 to kill him.
在我有機會殺他時就先死了。
01:09
(Laughter笑聲)
(笑聲)
01:11
Up until直到 our mother母親 asked him to leave離開
在我們母親要求他離開這個家
01:15
and not come back,
永遠別回來之前,
01:18
BageyeBageye had been a terrifying可怕的 ogre怪物.
大眼袋一直是隻怪獸。
01:20
He teetered搖搖欲墜 permanently永久 on the verge邊緣 of rage憤怒,
他長期處於憤怒邊緣搖搖欲墜,
01:24
rather like me, as you see.
你們可以看到,有點像我。
01:28
He worked工作 nights at Vauxhall沃克斯豪爾 Motors汽車 in Luton盧頓
他晚上在盧頓的佛賀汽車公司工作,
01:31
and demanded要求 total silence安靜 throughout始終 the house,
要求整棟房子要安靜無聲,
01:35
so that when we came來了 home from school學校
所以當我們在下午 3:30 放學回家時,
01:38
at 3:30 in the afternoon下午, we would huddle亂堆
我們會一起縮在電視旁,
01:40
beside the TV電視, and rather like safe-crackers安全,餅乾,
彷彿打開保險櫃的小偷,
01:42
we would twiddle玩弄 with the volume control控制 knob把手
我們會轉動電視的音量控制鈕,
01:46
on the TV電視 so it was almost幾乎 inaudible聽不見.
所以幾乎沒有聲音。
01:48
And at times, when we were like this,
那時候,我們就像這樣,
01:51
so much "Shhh," so much "Shhh"
在房子裡面經常聽到「噓」聲,
01:53
going on in the house
很多「噓」聲。
01:56
that I imagined想像 us to be like
我想像我們就像
01:58
the German德語 crew船員 of a U-boatU艇
潛水艇裡的德國船員,
02:00
creeping爬行 along沿 the edge邊緣 of the ocean海洋
沿著海洋的邊緣爬行
02:03
whilst同時 up above以上, on the surface表面,
同時在海面上,
02:06
HMSHMS BageyeBageye patrolled巡邏
大眼袋海軍艦隊在巡邏,
02:07
ready準備 to drop下降 death死亡 charges收費
一聽到任何干擾,
02:11
at the first sound聲音 of any disturbance騷亂.
就下達死亡命令。
02:13
So that lesson was the lesson that
所以那堂課教了我
02:17
"Do not draw attention注意 to yourself你自己
「無論在家裡或外面
02:20
either in the home or outside of the home."
都不要引起別人的注意。」
02:22
Maybe it's a migrant農民 lesson.
或許這是給移民者的一堂課。
02:24
We were to be below下面 the radar雷達,
我們不要引人注意,
02:27
so there was no communication通訊, really,
所以我們之間沒有交談,真的,
02:30
between之間 BageyeBageye and us and us and BageyeBageye,
大眼袋和我們之間,以及我們和大眼袋之間,
02:31
and the sound聲音 that we most looked看著 forward前鋒 to,
我們最期待的聲音是,
02:34
you know when you're a child兒童 and you want
你知道你小時候,
02:37
your father父親 to come home
and it's all going to be happy快樂
會期待父親回家,一切都會很快樂,
02:39
and you're waiting等候 for that sound聲音 of the door opening開盤.
你等待著開門的聲音。
02:42
Well the sound聲音 that we looked看著 forward前鋒 to
然而我們所期待的聲音是
02:44
was the click點擊 of the door closing關閉,
關門時發出的咔嗒聲音,
02:45
which哪一個 meant意味著 he'd他會 gone走了 and would not come back.
意思是他離開了而且不再回來。
02:47
So for three decades幾十年,
所以 30 年的時間,
02:52
I never laid鋪設 eyes眼睛 on my father父親, nor也不 he on me.
我從未注視過我的父親,
他也從未注視過我。
02:55
We never spoke to each other for three decades幾十年,
我們彼此不說話有 30 年了,
02:58
and then a couple一對 of years年份 ago, I decided決定
幾年以前,我決定
03:00
to turn the spotlight聚光燈 on him.
把注意力轉到他身上。
03:02
"You are being存在 watched看著.
「你被監視了。
03:06
Actually其實, you are.
事實上,你的確是。
03:08
You are being存在 watched看著."
你被監視了。」
03:10
That was his mantra口頭禪 to us, his children孩子.
那是他對子女的口頭禪。
03:12
Time and time again he would say this to us.
他會一次又一次地這樣對我們說。
03:15
And this was the 1970s, it was Luton盧頓,
這是 1970 年代,這裡是盧頓,
03:16
where he worked工作 at Vauxhall沃克斯豪爾 Motors汽車,
是他在佛賀汽車公司工作的地方,
03:19
and he was a Jamaican牙買加.
而他是牙買加人。
03:21
And what he meant意味著 was,
他想說的是,
03:23
you as a child兒童 of a Jamaican牙買加 immigrant移民
身為牙買加移民者的孩子,
03:24
are being存在 watched看著
你被監視著,
03:26
to see which哪一個 way you turn, to see whether是否
看你轉哪個方向,
03:28
you conform符合 to the host主辦 nation's國家 stereotype鉛板 of you,
看你是否符合所在國對你的刻板印象,
03:30
of being存在 feckless沒出息, work-shy怕工作,
也就是無能、懶惰、
03:34
destined注定 for a life of crime犯罪.
注定要犯罪。
03:36
You are being存在 watched看著,
你被監視著。
03:39
so confound混淆 their expectations期望 of you.
所以打破他們對你的期待。
03:41
To that end結束, BageyeBageye and his friends朋友,
這一方面,大眼袋和他的朋友們,
03:45
mostly大多 Jamaican牙買加,
大多是牙買加人,
03:49
exhibited展出 a kind of Jamaican牙買加 bella貝拉 figuraFIGURA:
表現出某種牙買加的美好形象:
03:51
Turn your best最好 side to the world世界,
向世界表現你最好的一面,
03:55
show顯示 your best最好 face面對 to the world世界.
向世界展現你最美麗的臉龐。
03:57
If you have seen看到 some of the images圖片
如果你有看過一些
04:00
of the Caribbean加勒比 people arriving到達
加勒比人在 40、50 年代
04:01
in the '40s and '50s,
抵達的圖片,
04:03
you might威力 have noticed注意到 that a lot of the men男人
你可能會注意到很多男人
04:05
wear穿 trilbiestrilbies.
戴著呢帽。
04:07
Now, there was no tradition傳統
of wearing穿著 trilbiestrilbies in Jamaica牙買加.
其實在牙買加沒有戴呢帽的傳統。
04:08
They invented發明 that tradition傳統 for their arrival到達 here.
是他們抵達這裡時,發明了這項傳統。
04:12
They wanted to project項目 themselves他們自己 in a way
他們想用這一個方式表現自己
04:15
that they wanted to be perceived感知,
被人察覺,
04:17
so that the way they looked看著
所以他們戴帽的樣子
04:19
and the names that they gave themselves他們自己
以及他們給自己取的名字
04:21
defined定義 them.
定義了他們。
04:23
So BageyeBageye is bald禿 and has baggy鬆鬆垮垮 eyes眼睛.
所以大眼袋是個光頭,
有很深的眼袋。
04:25
Tidy整潔 Boots靴子 is very fussy挑剔 about his footwear鞋類.
取名為整潔靴子的那位
非常挑剔他的鞋子。
04:31
Anxious is always anxious.
取名為緊張的那位永遠總是緊張。
04:35
Clock時鐘 has one arm longer than the other.
取名為時鐘的那位,
是一手臂長,一手臂短。
04:37
(Laughter笑聲)
(笑聲)
04:40
And my all-time整天 favorite喜愛 was the
guy they called SummerwearSummerwear.
我最喜歡的一個傢伙,
04:44
When SummerwearSummerwear came來了 to this country國家
他們叫他夏天穿著。
04:47
from Jamaica牙買加 in the early '60s, he insisted堅持
早期 1960 年代,當夏天穿著
04:49
on wearing穿著 light summer夏季 suits西裝,
從牙買加來到這個國家,
04:51
no matter the weather天氣,
不管天氣如何,
他都堅持穿著輕盈夏天衣服。
04:53
and in the course課程 of researching研究 their lives生活,
我在研究他們生活的時候,
04:55
I asked my mom媽媽, "Whatever隨你
became成為 of SummerwearSummerwear?"
我問母親:「夏天穿著後來怎麼了?」
04:56
And she said, "He caught抓住 a cold and died死亡." (Laughter笑聲)
她說:「他著涼感冒死掉了。」(笑聲)
04:59
But men男人 like SummerwearSummerwear
但是像夏天穿著這樣的男人
05:04
taught us the importance重要性 of style樣式.
教導我們風格的重要性。
05:06
Maybe they exaggerated誇張的 their style樣式
也許他們誇大了自己的風格,
05:08
because they thought that they were not considered考慮
因為他們以為自己
05:10
to be quite相當 civilized文明,
被認為不是相當文明。
05:13
and they transferred轉入 that generational attitude態度
他們把自己在那個年代的態度
05:15
or anxiety焦慮 onto us, the next下一個 generation,
或焦慮放到下一代,我們的身上,
05:18
so much so that when I was growing生長 up,
以至於當我漸漸長大時,
05:20
if ever on the television電視 news新聞 or radio無線電
如果有電視新聞或收音機報導
05:23
a report報告 came來了 up about a black黑色 person
關於一個黑人
05:25
committing提交 some crime犯罪
犯罪的一些消息,
05:26
a mugging搶劫, a murder謀殺, a burglary竊案
例如搶劫、謀殺、盜竊,
05:28
we winced畏縮 along沿 with our parents父母,
我們會和父母親畏縮在一起,
05:32
because they were letting出租 the side down.
因為他們做的這些事情
使我們感到失望。
05:35
You did not just represent代表 yourself你自己.
你不只是代表你自己一個人,
05:38
You represented代表 the group,
你代表了整個團體。
05:39
and it was a terrifying可怕的 thing to come to terms條款 with,
這是一件必須正視的可怕事件。
05:41
in a way, that maybe you were going
在某種程度上,
05:46
to be perceived感知 in the same相同 light.
你也會被用同樣的眼光審視。
05:48
So that was what needed需要 to be challenged挑戰.
這就是需要挑戰的地方。
05:52
Our father父親 and many許多 of his colleagues同事
我們的父親和他的很多同事
05:56
exhibited展出 a kind of transmission傳輸 but not receiving接收.
展現出某種宣言而不是接受。
06:00
They were built內置 to transmit發送 but not receive接收.
他們是用來傳輸不是接收。
06:04
We were to keep quiet安靜.
我們被要求保持安靜。
06:06
When our father父親 did speak說話 to us,
當我們的父親跟我們說話時,
06:09
it was from the pulpit講壇 of his mind心神.
是來自他的思想傳教。
06:10
They clung抱定 to certainty肯定 in the belief信仰
他們堅定不移,
06:13
that doubt懷疑 would undermine破壞 them.
深信懷疑將會破壞他們的信念。
06:15
But when I am working加工 in my house
但是當我在家裡工作時,
06:19
and writing寫作, after a day's writing寫作, I rush downstairs樓下
日復一日的寫作之後, 我衝到樓下,
06:22
and I'm very excited興奮 to talk about
Marcus馬庫斯 Garvey加維 or Bob短發 Marley馬利
很興奮地談著
馬科斯·加維或巴布·馬利,
06:26
and words are tripping跳閘 out of my mouth like butterflies蝴蝶
文字像蝴蝶般從我的嘴裡飛舞而出,
06:29
and I'm so excited興奮 that my children孩子 stop me,
我興奮到我的孩子阻止我,
06:32
and they say, "Dad, nobody沒有人 cares管它."
他們說:「老爸,沒有人會在乎的。」
06:35
(Laughter笑聲)
(笑聲)
06:38
But they do care關心, actually其實.
但是事實上他們很在意。
06:42
They cross交叉 over.
他們跨越了。
06:44
Somehow不知何故 they find their way to you.
不知怎麼的他們能找到你。
06:46
They shape形狀 their lives生活 according根據
to the narrative敘述 of your life,
他們根據你的生活敘事,塑造他們的生活,
06:48
as I did with my father父親 and my mother母親, perhaps也許,
或許,就像我和父母親做的一樣,
06:52
and maybe BageyeBageye did with his father父親.
可能大眼袋和他的父親也這麼做。
06:56
And that was clearer更清晰 to me
我明白了,
06:59
in the course課程 of looking at his life
看著他的生活歷程,
07:00
and understanding理解, as they say,
我明白一件事,如他們說的,
07:03
the Native本地人 Americans美國人 say,
美國原住民說,
07:06
"Do not criticize批評 the man until直到 you can walk步行
「不要輕易批評一個人,
07:08
in his moccasins硬底軟面拖鞋."
除非你已經歷過他所經歷的事。」
07:09
But in conjuring戲法 his life, it was okay
但在他魔術般的人生中,
07:12
and very straightforward直截了當 to portray寫真
非常直接描述
07:14
a Caribbean加勒比 life in England英國 in the 1970s
英國 1970 年代的加勒比生活。
07:18
with bowls of plastic塑料 fruit水果,
桌上擺著塑膠水果、
07:21
polystyrene聚苯乙烯 ceiling天花板 tiles瓷磚,
聚苯乙烯塑料天花板,
07:26
settees長沙發 permanently永久 sheathed護套
以及沙發還套著購買時
07:29
in their transparent透明 covers蓋子
that they were delivered交付 in.
外罩的透明塑膠套。
07:31
But what's more difficult to navigate導航
但是更難描繪出的是
07:34
is the emotional情緒化 landscape景觀
世代之間的
07:36
between之間 the generations,
情感面,
07:38
and the old adage諺語 that with age年齡 comes wisdom智慧
古老的格言說年齡會帶來智慧
07:40
is not true真正.
不是真的。
07:45
With age年齡 comes the veneer單板 of respectability尊重
年齡增長帶來令人尊敬的表相
07:47
and a veneer單板 of uncomfortable不舒服 truths真理.
和不愉快事實的表相。
07:50
But what was true真正 was that my parents父母,
但真相是我的父母
07:53
my mother母親, and my father父親 went along沿 with it,
都附合這樣的說法,
07:56
did not trust相信 the state to educate教育 me.
他們不信任國家來教育我。
07:59
So listen to how I sound聲音.
所以聽聽我的說話方式。
08:01
They determined決心 that they would
send發送 me to a private私人的 school學校,
他們決定送我去私立學校,
08:04
but my father父親 worked工作 at Vauxhall沃克斯豪爾 Motors汽車.
但是我的父親在佛賀汽車公司工作,
08:08
It's quite相當 difficult to fund基金 a private私人的 school學校 education教育
很難負擔私校的費用
08:10
and feed飼料 his army軍隊 of children孩子.
和養育他眾多小孩。
08:14
I remember記得 going on to the school學校
我記得去學校做入學考試時,
08:16
for the entrance入口 exam考試, and my father父親 said
我的父親告訴神父,
08:18
to the priest牧師 — it was a Catholic天主教徒 school學校
這是一間天主教學校,
08:20
he wanted a better "heducationheducation" for the boy男孩,
他說,他想要孩子接受比較好的「郊」育,
08:24
but also, he, my father父親,
而且我的父親,
08:28
never even managed管理 to pass通過 worms蠕蟲,
連衛生檢查都沒及格過,
08:31
never mind心神 entrance入口 exams考試.
更別說入學考試。
08:34
But in order訂購 to fund基金 my education教育,
但為了我的教育基金,
08:36
he was going to have to do some dodgy躲閃的 stuff東東,
他不得不做些偷雞摸狗的事。
08:38
so my father父親 would fund基金 my education教育
他會在車子後面進行非法交易,
08:41
by trading貿易 in illicit非法的 goods產品 from the back of his car汽車,
以籌湊我的教育基金,
08:44
and that was made製作 even more tricky狡猾 because
但更棘手的是,
08:48
my father父親, that's not his car汽車 by the way.
那台車子並不是我父親的。
08:49
My father父親 aspired渴望 to have a car汽車 like that,
我父親渴望有台那樣的車,
08:51
but my father父親 had a beaten-up被打 Mini微型,
但他有的只是台破舊的 Mini 車,
08:53
and he never, being存在 a
Jamaican牙買加 coming未來 to this country國家,
做為牙買加移民,
08:55
he never had a driving主動 license執照,
他未曾有過駕照,
09:00
he never had any insurance保險 or road tax or MOTMOT.
他沒有任何保險、路稅或駕照考試。
09:02
He thought, "I know how to drive駕駛;
他認為:「反正我知道如何開車,
09:06
why do I need the state's狀態 validation驗證?"
為什麼還需要國家的驗證?」
09:08
But it became成為 a little tricky狡猾 when
we were stopped停止 by the police警察,
但是當我們被警察攔截,
事情變得有些棘手,
09:11
and we were stopped停止 a lot by the police警察,
很多警察攔截我們,
09:13
and I was impressed印象深刻 by the way
我父親和警察交涉的方式
09:15
that my father父親 dealt處理 with the police警察.
令我印象深刻。
09:16
He would promote促進 the policeman警察 immediately立即,
他會立即替警察升等,
09:18
so that P.C. Bloggs布羅格斯 became成為 Detective偵探 Inspector檢查員 Bloggs布羅格斯
所以在談話的過程中,
09:21
in the course課程 of the conversation會話
警察布洛格斯
會變成探長布洛格斯,
09:25
and wave us on merrily歡快.
最後還跟我們快樂的揮手。
09:26
So my father父親 was exhibiting參展 what we in Jamaica牙買加
所以我的父親展現我們在牙買加
09:28
called "playing播放 fool傻子 to catch抓住 wise明智的."
稱為「扮豬吃老虎」。
09:30
But it lent借給 also an idea理念
但它也增添了一個想法
09:34
that actually其實 he was being存在 diminished減少
實際上是警察貶低
09:38
or belittled輕視 by the policeman警察
或輕視他 —
09:40
as a 10-year-old-歲 boy男孩, I saw that —
作為一個 10 歲小男孩,
我看到這個景象 —
09:42
but also there was an ambivalence矛盾 towards authority權威.
但是還一種對權威的矛盾心理。
09:44
So on the one hand, there was
所以一方面,
09:46
a mocking嘲諷 of authority權威,
有一種嘲弄權威的心理,
09:48
but on the other hand, there was a deference尊重
但另一方面,
09:50
towards authority權威,
有一種對權威感的尊重。
09:52
and these Caribbean加勒比 people
這些加勒比人
09:54
had an overbearing霸道 obedience服從 towards authority權威,
有一種對權威跋扈的服從,
09:56
which哪一個 is very striking引人注目, very strange奇怪 in a way,
是一種非常引人注目、非常奇怪的方式,
10:00
because migrants移民 are very courageous勇敢 people.
因為移民者是非常勇敢的人。
10:02
They leave離開 their homes家園. My father父親 and my mother母親
他們離鄉背井。
10:05
left Jamaica牙買加 and they traveled旅行 4,000 miles英里,
我的父母親離開牙買家,
旅行 400 英里,
10:08
and yet然而 they were infantilizedinfantilized by travel旅行.
但是他們不擅長旅行。
10:12
They were timid膽小,
他們很膽小,
10:16
and somewhere某處 along沿 the line,
在前往的過程中,
10:17
the natural自然 order訂購 was reversed反向的.
自然秩序被推翻。
10:19
The children孩子 became成為 the parents父母 to the parent.
父母的孩子變成父母。
10:21
The Caribbean加勒比 people came來了 to
this country國家 with a five-year五年 plan計劃:
加勒比人計劃在這國家待五年:
10:26
they would work, some money, and then go back,
工作、賺一些錢,然後回國。
10:29
but the five years年份 became成為 10, the 10 became成為 15,
但五年變成十年、十年變成十五年,
10:31
and before you know it,
you're changing改變 the wallpaper牆紙,
不知不覺中,你已經開始重新裝潢家裡,
10:33
and at that point, you know you're here to stay.
到那時候就知道你不離開了。
10:36
Although雖然 there's still the kind of temporariness暫時性
雖然我的父母親對這裡
10:39
that our parents父母 felt about being存在 here,
仍然抱持一種暫時居住的態度,
10:42
but we children孩子 knew知道 that the game遊戲 was up.
但是我們孩子都知道一切玩完了。
10:44
I think there was a feeling感覺 that
我感覺到
10:49
they would not be able能夠 to continue繼續 with the ideals理想
他們無法繼續過著
10:51
of the life that they expected預期.
他們所期望的理想生活。
10:57
The reality現實 was very much different不同.
生活的真相是非常不一樣的。
10:59
And also, that was true真正 of the reality現實
還有,
11:01
of trying to educate教育 me.
這是試圖教我的真相。
11:03
Having started開始 the process處理,
my father父親 did not continue繼續.
在啟動教育的過程中,
我的父親沒有繼續參與。
11:04
It was left to my mother母親 to educate教育 me,
而是留給我的媽媽教育我。
11:08
and as George喬治 LammingLamming would say,
如同喬治雷明說的,
11:11
it was my mother母親 who fathered me.
是我的母親盡了父親的責任。
11:14
Even in his absence缺席, that old mantra口頭禪 remained保持:
即使在他缺席時,
他仍然惦記著口頭禪:
11:17
You are being存在 watched看著.
你被監視著。
11:20
But such這樣 ardent熱心 watchfulness警覺 can lead to anxiety焦慮,
但是這種如此強烈的警備心會導致焦慮,
11:21
so much so that years年份 later後來, when I was investigating調查
以至於在多年以後,
11:25
why so many許多 young年輕 black黑色 men男人
當我正在調查為什麼這麼多年輕黑人
11:27
were diagnosed確診 with schizophrenia精神分裂症,
被診斷為精神分裂症,
11:28
six times more than they ought應該 to be,
比原本預期高出6倍。
11:30
I was not surprised詫異 to hear the psychiatrist心理醫生 say,
聽到精神科醫生這麼說我不驚訝:
11:33
"Black黑色 people are schooled接受教育 in paranoia偏執."
「黑人都接受偏受偏執的教育。」
11:36
And I wonder奇蹟 what BageyeBageye would make of that.
我很好奇大眼袋會怎麼想這論點。
11:41
Now I also had a 10-year-old-歲 son兒子,
現在我也有一個 10 歲的兒子,
11:44
and turned轉身 my attention注意 to BageyeBageye
把我的注意力轉向大眼袋
11:47
and I went in search搜索 of him.
並且去找他。
11:50
He was back in Luton盧頓, he was now 82,
他回到盧頓,他現在 82 歲,
11:51
and I hadn't有沒有 seen看到 him for 30-odd-奇 years年份,
我已經 30 幾年沒有看過他,
11:55
and when he opened打開 the door,
當他開門時,
11:58
I saw this tiny little man with lambentlambent, smiling微笑 eyes眼睛,
我看見這個小小的男人
帶著一雙幽幽微笑的眼睛,
12:00
and he was smiling微笑, and I'd never seen看到 him smile微笑.
他在微笑,而我從來沒有看過他微笑。
12:04
I was very disconcerted不安 by that.
我對這點感到很不自在。
12:06
But we satSAT down, and he had
a Caribbean加勒比 friend朋友 with him,
但是我們和他一個加勒比朋友坐下來,
12:09
talking some old time talk,
談著一些過去的往事,
12:12
and my father父親 would look at me,
我的爸爸會看著我,
12:15
and he looked看著 at me as if I would
他看我的樣子,
12:17
miraculously奇蹟般地 disappear消失 as I had arisen興起.
好像是我出現後會奇蹟般消失。
12:19
And he turned轉身 to his friend朋友, and he said,
他轉向他的朋友,然後他說:
12:23
"This boy男孩 and me have a deep, deep connection連接,
「這個男孩和我有很深、很深的連結,
12:25
deep, deep connection連接."
很深、很深的連結。」
12:28
But I never felt that connection連接.
但是我從來沒有感覺到那個連結。
12:31
If there was a pulse脈衝, it was very weak
那連結如果有脈動, 那也非常微弱
12:32
or hardly幾乎不 at all.
或幾乎根本沒有。
12:35
And I almost幾乎 felt in the course課程 of that reunion團圓
我幾乎覺得團聚的過程中
12:38
that I was auditioning試鏡 to be my father's父親的 son兒子.
我在試鏡擔任我父親的兒子。
12:40
When the book came來了 out,
當書出版時,
12:44
it had fair公平 reviews評論 in the national國民 papers文件,
它在全國報紙有不錯的評論,
12:46
but the paper of choice選擇 in Luton盧頓 is not The Guardian監護人,
但在盧頓,報紙的選擇不是衛報,
12:48
it's the Luton盧頓 News新聞,
是盧頓報。
12:51
and the Luton盧頓 News新聞 ran the headline標題 about the book,
盧頓報標題抖大地形容這本書:
12:54
"The Book That May可能 Heal癒合 a 32-Year-Old-歲 Rift裂痕."
「可以療癒 32 年分裂的書」。
12:57
And I understood了解 that could also represent代表
我了解到這也可能代表
13:03
the rift裂痕 between之間 one generation and the next下一個,
這一代和下一代之間的裂痕,
13:06
between之間 people like me and my father's父親的 generation,
也就是我和我父親之間的裂痕。
13:08
but there's no tradition傳統 in Caribbean加勒比 life
但是加勒比人
13:12
of memoirs回憶錄 or biographies傳記.
並沒有寫回憶錄或傳記的傳統。
13:14
It was a tradition傳統 that you didn't
chat about your business商業 in public上市.
不在公共場合談論私事才是傳統。
13:16
But I welcomed歡迎 that title標題, and I thought actually其實, yes,
但是實際上,我樂意看到那樣的標題。
13:20
there is a possibility可能性 that this
我認為,沒錯,這有可能
13:25
will open打開 up conversations對話
that we'd星期三 never had before.
開啟一個我們從來未曾有過的交談。
13:27
This will close the generation gap間隙, perhaps也許.
也許,這將結束世代間的代溝,
13:31
This could be an instrument儀器 of repair修理.
這可能是一種修復工具。
13:35
And I even began開始 to feel that this book
我甚至開始覺得
13:38
may可能 be perceived感知 by my father父親
我父親可能會認為這本書
13:40
as an act法案 of filial devotion忠誠.
是種孝順的行為。
13:43
Poor較差的, deluded迷惑 fool傻子.
我真是可憐受騙的小傻瓜。
13:47
BageyeBageye was stung刺痛 by what he perceived感知 to be
大眼袋認為自己的缺點被公開
13:51
the public上市 airing晾乾 of his shortcomings缺點.
而覺得被捅了一刀,
13:55
He was stung刺痛 by my betrayal辜負,
他被我的背叛刺傷。
13:58
and he went to the newspapers報紙 the next下一個 day
隔天他去了報社
14:01
and demanded要求 a right of reply回复,
並要求答覆的權利,
14:03
and he got it with the headline標題
他秀出標題:
14:04
"BageyeBageye Bites叮咬 Back."
「大眼袋反擊。」
14:06
And it was a coruscating account帳戶 of my betrayal辜負.
這是我的背叛引人注目的敘述。
14:09
I was no son兒子 of his.
我不是他的孩子。
14:12
He recognized認可 in his mind心神 that his colors顏色
他認為他的聲譽受到了玷污,
14:15
had been dragged through通過 the
mud, and he couldn't不能 allow允許 that.
他無法接受這件事情。
14:17
He had to restore恢復 his dignity尊嚴, and he did so,
他必須修復他的尊嚴,
而且他真的那麼做了,
14:20
and initially原來, although雖然 I was disappointed失望,
一開始我雖然很失望,
14:22
I grew成長 to admire欣賞 that stance姿態.
但我漸漸欣賞這個立場。
14:25
There was still fire bubbling冒泡 through通過 his veins,
即使他已經 82 歲,
14:26
even though雖然 he was 82 years年份 old.
仍然熱血沸騰。
14:30
And if it meant意味著 that we would now return返回
如果這意謂著
14:33
to 30 years年份 of silence安靜,
我們現在就回到 30 年的沉默,
14:36
my father父親 would say, "If it's so, then it's so."
我的父親會說:
「如果是這樣,那就是了。」
14:39
Jamaicans牙買加人 will tell you that
there's no such這樣 thing as facts事實,
牙買加人會說,根本沒有所謂的事實,
14:45
there are only versions版本.
只有版本。
14:48
We all tell ourselves我們自己 the versions版本 of the story故事
我們都在訴說
14:50
that we can best最好 live生活 with.
可依循的最佳故事版本。
14:53
Each generation builds建立 up an edifice大廈
每一代都在建造一個
14:56
which哪一個 they are reluctant不情願 or sometimes有時 unable無法
他們不願或有時無法拆缷的
14:58
to disassemble拆卸,
一棟宏偉建築,
15:00
but in the writing寫作, my version of the story故事
但是在寫作時,我的故事版本
15:03
began開始 to change更改,
開始改變,
15:06
and it was detached超脫 from me.
與我分割了。
15:08
I lost丟失 my hatred of my father父親.
我不再憎恨父親。
15:12
I did no longer want him to die or to murder謀殺 him,
我不再希望他死或謀殺他,
15:15
and I felt free自由,
我覺得我自由了,
15:20
much freer自由 than I'd ever felt before.
前所未有的自由。
15:24
And I wonder奇蹟 whether是否 that freednessfreedness
我在想那份自由
15:29
could be transferred轉入 to him.
是否能轉移給他。
15:31
In that initial初始 reunion團圓,
在最初的重聚,
15:36
I was struck來襲 by an idea理念 that I had
我突然想到
15:40
very few少數 photographs照片 of myself
我小時候
15:42
as a young年輕 child兒童.
很少有自己的照片。
15:46
This is a photograph照片 of me,
這是我的照片,
15:48
nine months個月 old.
九個月大。
15:50
In the original原版的 photograph照片,
在原始的照片中,
15:53
I'm being存在 held保持 up by my father父親, BageyeBageye,
我的父親大眼袋舉起我,
15:55
but when my parents父母 separated分離, my mother母親
但是當我的父母分居時,
15:58
excised切除 him from all aspects方面 of our lives生活.
我的母親把他從我們的生活中刪除。
16:00
She took a pair of scissors剪刀 and cut
him out of every一切 photograph照片,
她用剪刀把照片裡的他通通剪掉。
16:03
and for years年份, I told myself
the truth真相 of this photograph照片
多年來,我告訴自己
這張照片的真相是
16:07
was that you are alone單獨,
我是自己一個人,
16:10
you are unsupported不支持.
我是不被支持的。
16:13
But there's another另一個 way of looking at this photograph照片.
但可以用另一種方式看這張照片。
16:16
This is a photograph照片 that has the potential潛在
這是一張
16:18
for a reunion團圓,
可能重聚的照片,
16:21
a potential潛在 to be reunited重聚 with my father父親,
一個與父親重聚的潛在機會。
16:23
and in my yearning懷念 to be held保持 up by my father父親,
我冀望父親把我舉起時,
16:26
I held保持 him up to the light.
其實是我將他舉到聚光燈前。
16:30
In that first reunion團圓,
在第一次的重聚,
16:33
it was very awkward尷尬 and tense緊張 moments瞬間,
是很尷尬和緊張的時刻,
16:36
and to lessen減少 the tension張力,
為了減輕緊張,
16:38
we decided決定 to go for a walk步行.
我們決定去散步。
16:39
And as we walked, I was struck來襲
當我們在散步時,
16:43
that I had reverted回复 to being存在 the child兒童
我震驚的是雖然我的身高比父親高
16:45
even though雖然 I was now towering參天 above以上 my father父親.
我變回了一個小孩。
16:47
I was almost幾乎 a foot腳丫子 taller than my father父親.
我比父親幾乎高一英呎。
16:50
He was still the big man,
他仍然是一個大男人,
16:53
and I tried試著 to match比賽 his step.
我試著跟上他的腳步。
16:55
And I realized實現 that he was walking步行
我察覺他在走路
17:00
as if he was still under observation意見,
彷彿仍然被監視著,
17:02
but I admired尊敬的 his walk步行.
但是我欣賞他的走路方式。
17:04
He walked like a man
他走路像一個男人,
17:07
on the losing失去 side of the F.A. Cup杯子 Final最後
像世足盃總決賽失敗的一方
17:10
mounting安裝 the steps腳步 to collect蒐集 his condolence慰問 medal勳章.
走向階梯收集他的慰問獎章。
17:13
There was dignity尊嚴 in defeat打敗.
失敗中流露出尊嚴。
17:16
Thank you.
謝謝。
17:20
(Applause掌聲)
(掌聲)
17:22
Translated by YuFang Liu
Reviewed by Adrienne Lin

▲Back to top

About the speaker:

Colin Grant - Author, historian
Colin Grant is an author and historian whose works focus on larger-than-life figures of the African diaspora.

Why you should listen
Colin Grant is an English historian and son of black Jamaican immigrants who explores the legacy of slavery and its effect on modern generations of the African diaspora. In Negro with a Hat: The Rise and Fall of Marcus Garvey Grant chronicles the life of the controversial Jamaican politician and his obsession with a "redeemed" Africa; in I & I: The Natural Mystics, Marley, Tosh and Wailer he explores the struggles faced by now legendary Rastafarian reggae artists the Wailers; and in his most recent book, Bageye at the Wheel, Grant confronts his own father in a memoir about his lifelong inner conflict with the immigrant experience.
Grant is also an Associate Fellow in the Centre for Caribbean Studies at the University of Warwick and a producer for BBC Radio.
More profile about the speaker
Colin Grant | Speaker | TED.com