ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Tanya Menon - Organizational psychologist
Tanya Menon speaks, writes and consults on collaboration. Her research focuses on how people think about their relationships and the habits that allow them to build positive connections with other people.

Why you should listen

Tanya Menon is fascinated that in a time when we can instantaneously connect with nearly the whole world, we often instead filter our relationships even more narrowly. As such, we often get stuck in dead ends, missing out on new people, ideas and opportunities. Menon and her collaborators have studied the often mundane feelings and innocuous daily habits that cause people to remain in their social comfort zone and produce this polarization. And they have also explored ways that we can be more intentional about navigating the social world.

Menon is Associate Professor at the Ohio State University’s Fisher College of Business. Her research has been cited in the Wall Street Journal, Boston Globe, Chicago Tribune and The Financial Times. She is Associate Editor at Management Science journal, an award-winning teacher, and she has done keynotes, consulting and training for organizations all over the world. Her book with Dr. Leigh Thompson, Stop Spending, Start Managing: Strategies to Transform Wasteful Habits (2016, Harvard Business Review Press) explores various social traps people face in business, and how to overcome them.

Menon earned a bachelor's degree in sociology from Harvard University in 1995 and her Ph.D. from the Stanford Graduate School of Business. Her goal as a researcher, educator, consultant and parent is to create new ways for people to connect with each other so that they can live richer and more creative lives. She hopes that her work will help people intentionally create new habits to live a wider life and also share them widely.

More profile about the speaker
Tanya Menon | Speaker | TED.com
TEDxOhioStateUniversity

Tanya Menon: The secret to great opportunities? The person you haven't met yet

唐雅·梅农: 拥有重大机遇的秘诀?在于你还未遇到的人

Filmed:
1,913,723 views

我们经常会觉得自己陷入狭窄的社交圈中,身边都是同类人。什么样的习惯限制了我们,我们又该如何打破它呢?组织心理学家唐雅·梅农介绍了我们应该如何更积极地面对扩大社交网,以及这会如何引发新的观点和机遇。
- Organizational psychologist
Tanya Menon speaks, writes and consults on collaboration. Her research focuses on how people think about their relationships and the habits that allow them to build positive connections with other people. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:12
I started开始 teaching教学 MBAMBA students学生们
0
769
2827
17年前我开始教授
MBA课程
00:15
17 years年份 ago.
1
3620
1808
00:17
Sometimes有时 I run into
my students学生们 years年份 later后来.
2
5452
3460
有时会在几年之后
碰到以前教过的学生
当我遇见他们时
有个很有意思的现象
00:20
And when I run into them,
a funny滑稽 thing happens发生.
3
8936
2620
我不仅记得他们的脸
00:23
I don't remember记得 just their faces面孔;
4
11580
2252
也记得他们坐在
教室的哪个位置
00:25
I also remember记得 where exactly究竟
in the classroom课堂 they were sitting坐在.
5
13856
4640
和谁坐在一起
00:30
And I remember记得 who
they were sitting坐在 with as well.
6
18520
3321
这不是因为我有什么
记忆超能力
00:33
This is not because I have
any special特别 superpowers超级大国 of memory记忆.
7
21865
4694
我之所以能记得学生们
00:38
The reason原因 I can remember记得 them
8
26583
1860
是因为他们都是
跟着习惯走的人
00:40
is because they are creatures生物 of habit习惯.
9
28467
2667
总会与最喜欢的人
坐在最喜欢的位子
00:43
They are sitting坐在 with their
favorite喜爱 people in their favorite喜爱 seats.
10
31158
4111
他们会找一个形影不离的伙伴
然后一整年都和他待在一起
00:47
They find their twins双胞胎,
they stay with them for the whole整个 year.
11
35293
4179
00:51
Now, the danger危险 of this
for my students学生们 is they're at risk风险
12
39976
4850
他们这样做是有风险的
当学生们离开大学步入社会
00:56
of leaving离开 the university大学
with just a few少数 people
13
44850
3546
他们很可能只认识很少的人
并且还与他们很像
01:00
who are exactly究竟 like them.
14
48420
1321
他们会浪费掉接触国际化
多样化关系网的机会
01:01
They're going to squander挥霍 their chance机会
for an international国际, diverse多种 network网络.
15
49765
4418
01:06
How could this happen发生 to them?
16
54207
1612
这是如何发生的呢
我的学生们思想开放
01:07
My students学生们 are open-minded思想开明的.
17
55843
1619
他们来到商学院正
是为了扩大社交圈子
01:09
They come to business商业 school学校 precisely恰恰
so that they can get great networks网络.
18
57486
4387
01:14
Now, all of us socially社交上 narrow狭窄
in our lives生活, in our school学校, in work,
19
62212
6181
我们所有人的社交圈都很有限
在生活 学校 工作中都是如此
因此我希望大家可以
思考一下这个问题
01:20
and so I want you to think about this one.
20
68417
2545
你们当中有多少人
带了朋友来听讲座
01:22
How many许多 of you here
brought a friend朋友 along沿 for this talk?
21
70986
4517
01:27
I want you to look
at your friend朋友 a little bit.
22
75527
2676
我希望你看看自己身边的朋友
01:31
Are they of the same相同 nationality国籍 as you?
23
79036
3055
他们与你是否国籍相同
01:34
Are they of the same相同 gender性别 as you?
24
82601
2407
是否性别相同
与你的种族是否一样
01:37
Are they of the same相同 race种族?
25
85032
1665
仔细好好看看他们
01:38
Really look at them closely密切.
26
86721
2425
他们是不是也有点像你自己
01:41
Don't they kind of look like you as well?
27
89170
2116
(笑声)
01:43
(Laughter笑声)
28
91310
1013
身强体壮的在一起
01:44
The muscle肌肉 people are together一起,
29
92347
1555
发型相似的人在一起
01:45
and the people with the same相同 hairstyles发型
30
93926
2017
穿着差不多衬衫的人在一起
01:47
and the checked检查 shirts衬衫.
31
95967
1227
01:50
We all do this in life.
32
98069
1817
在生活中 我们都会如此
实际上这样做并没有什么错
01:51
We all do it in life, and in fact事实,
there's nothing wrong错误 with this.
33
99910
3712
与自己相似的人在一起
让我们感到自在
01:55
It makes品牌 us comfortable自在 to be
around people who are similar类似.
34
103646
3848
问题是当我们遇到困难时该怎么办
01:59
The problem问题 is when
we're on a precipice悬崖, right?
35
107518
3075
当我们遇到麻烦
需要新的想法
02:02
When we're in trouble麻烦,
when we need new ideas思路,
36
110617
2264
想换个新工作
或是需要新的资源
02:04
when we need new jobs工作,
when we need new resources资源 --
37
112905
3808
这就是我们为小圈子生活
付出代价的时候
02:08
this is when we really pay工资 a price价钱
for living活的 in a clique集团.
38
116737
4079
02:13
Mark标记 Granovetter格兰诺维特, the sociologist社会学家,
had a famous著名 paper
39
121294
4695
社会学家马克·格拉诺维特
有一篇著名论文
叫做《弱关系的力量》
02:18
"The Strength强度 of Weak Ties领带,"
40
126013
2060
他在这篇论文中询问人们
02:20
and what he did in this paper
is he asked people
41
128097
2699
是如何找到工作的
02:22
how they got their jobs工作.
42
130820
1901
他从中了解到
大多数人得到工作
02:24
And what he learned学到了 was that
most people don't get their jobs工作
43
132745
3155
并不是通过关系紧密的人
例如父亲 母亲或伴侣
02:27
through通过 their strong强大 ties联系 -- their father父亲,
their mother母亲, their significant重大 other.
44
135924
3911
相反 他们会通过那些刚认识的人
关系不紧密的人获得工作
02:31
They instead代替 get jobs工作 through通过 weak ties联系,
people who they just met会见.
45
139859
4663
因此 思考一下你和
身边最重要的人
02:36
So if you think about what
the problem问题 is with your strong强大 ties联系,
46
144546
3131
比如你的伴侣
之间出了什么问题
02:39
think about your
significant重大 other, for example.
47
147701
2332
这种人际网是多余的
02:42
The network网络 is redundant.
48
150057
1646
他们认识的每个人你也都认识
02:43
Everybody每个人 that they know, you know.
49
151727
2889
我希望你也认识他们
02:46
Or I hope希望 you know them. Right?
50
154640
2342
与你关系不紧密的人
你今天刚见过的人
02:49
Your weak ties联系 --
people you just met会见 today今天 --
51
157006
2555
他们才是你打开
社交大门的通行证
02:51
they are your ticket
to a whole整个 new social社会 world世界.
52
159585
3817
02:55
The thing is that we have this amazing惊人
ticket to travel旅行 our social社会 worlds世界,
53
163900
4440
事实上 我们都拥有这张通行证
但是并没有善加利用
03:00
but we don't use it very well.
54
168364
1477
有时候 我们和家庭成员异常亲近
03:01
Sometimes有时 we stay awfully非常 close to home.
55
169865
2836
现在 我想要说的是
03:04
And today今天, what I want to talk about is:
56
172725
2085
那些让人类如此恋家的习惯是什么
03:06
What are those habits习惯 that keep
human人的 beings众生 so close to home,
57
174834
3654
我们如何能更积极地
03:10
and how can we be
a little bit more intentional故意的
58
178512
2632
对待扩大社交圈子这件事
03:13
about traveling旅行 our social社会 universe宇宙?
59
181168
2281
03:15
So let's look at the first strategy战略.
60
183854
2060
我们先来看第一条策略
03:18
The first strategy战略 is to use
a more imperfect不完善 social社会 search搜索 engine发动机.
61
186223
6336
第一条是说
要使用不完美的社交搜索引擎
这里的社交搜索引擎
03:24
What I mean by a social社会 search搜索 engine发动机
62
192583
2111
指的是你如何找到和筛选你的朋友
03:26
is how you are finding发现
and filtering滤波 your friends朋友.
63
194718
3941
03:31
And so people always tell me,
64
199555
1745
因此人们经常跟我说
我想要通过社交获得好运
03:33
"I want to get lucky幸运 through通过 the network网络.
65
201324
2040
我想要一个新工作
我想要获得很棒的机会
03:35
I want to get a new job工作.
I want to get a great opportunity机会."
66
203388
2911
我会说 这是很困难的
03:38
And I say, "Well, that's really hard,
67
206323
1981
因为你的社交圈子
根本上来讲是可预测的
03:40
because your networks网络
are so fundamentally从根本上 predictable可预测."
68
208328
3252
详细列出你一天生活的轨迹
03:43
Map地图 out your habitual惯常的 daily日常 footpath,
69
211604
3122
你很可能发现每天从家里出发
03:46
and what you'll你会 probably大概 discover发现
is that you start开始 at home,
70
214750
3521
去学校或者去工作
03:50
you go to your school学校 or your workplace职场,
71
218295
2436
你可能走同样的楼梯或电梯
03:52
you maybe go up
the same相同 staircase楼梯 or elevator电梯,
72
220755
2770
你去同样的洗手间
03:55
you go to the bathroom浴室 --
the same相同 bathroom浴室 --
73
223549
2705
同一个洗手间位置相同的隔间
03:58
and the same相同 stall摊子 in that bathroom浴室,
74
226278
1773
最后你会去健身房
04:00
you end结束 up in the gym健身房,
75
228075
1613
之后回到家里
04:01
then you come right back home.
76
229712
1460
这就像是列车停靠的站点一样
04:03
It's like stops停止 on a train培养 schedule时间表.
77
231196
2200
完全可以预测
04:05
It's that predictable可预测.
78
233420
1326
它很高效 但问题是
你见到的都是相同的人
04:06
It's efficient高效, but the problem问题 is,
you're seeing眼看 exactly究竟 the same相同 people.
79
234770
5843
让你的人际网络不太高效
04:12
Make your network网络
slightly more inefficient低效.
80
240637
3123
去另一层楼的洗手间
04:15
Go to a bathroom浴室 on a different不同 floor地板.
81
243784
2353
你会遇到从来没遇到的人
04:18
You encounter遭遇 a whole整个 new
network网络 of people.
82
246161
3137
04:21
The other side of it is how
we are actually其实 filtering滤波.
83
249791
4537
另一方面 我们实际上也在进行筛选
我们自动进行筛选
04:26
And we do this automatically自动.
84
254352
1633
我们在见到某人时
会先打量一番
04:28
The minute分钟 we meet遇到 someone有人,
we are looking at them, we meet遇到 them,
85
256009
3104
通过第一眼观察
04:31
we are initially原来 seeing眼看,
86
259137
1579
便会判断 这人很有趣
04:32
"You're interesting有趣."
87
260740
1152
这人很无聊 这人用得着
04:33
"You're not interesting有趣."
"You're relevant相应."
88
261916
2099
我们会自动开始筛选
根本无法控制
04:36
We do this automatically自动.
We can't even help it.
89
264039
2399
我鼓励大家对抗这种筛选机制
04:38
And what I want to encourage鼓励 you
to do instead代替 is to fight斗争 your filters过滤器.
90
266462
3995
我希望你环视这间屋子
04:42
I want you to take a look
around this room房间,
91
270481
2533
找出你看到的最无趣的人
04:45
and I want you to identify鉴定
the least最小 interesting有趣 person that you see,
92
273038
4200
然后在下一次茶歇时
和他认识一下
04:49
and I want you to connect with them
over the next下一个 coffee咖啡 break打破.
93
277262
3176
我希望你更进一步
04:52
And I want you to go
even further进一步 than that.
94
280462
2441
04:54
What I want you to do is find
the most irritating刺激性 person you see as well
95
282927
4757
找到那个让你看上去觉得
最招人讨厌的人
跟他认识一下
04:59
and connect with them.
96
287708
1605
这项练习是强迫你自己
05:01
What you are doing with this exercise行使
is you are forcing迫使 yourself你自己
97
289337
6658
05:08
to see what you don't want to see,
98
296019
2625
去观察那些你不想看到的
去认识那些你不想认识的人
05:10
to connect with who
you don't want to connect with,
99
298668
2666
这样就扩宽了你的社交圈
05:13
to widen扩大 your social社会 world世界.
100
301358
2197
如果想要真正地扩大你的圈子
05:15
To truly widen扩大, what we have to do is,
101
303579
3019
我们需要对抗我们的感觉
05:18
we've我们已经 got to fight斗争 our sense of choice选择.
102
306622
2315
对抗让你做出选择的感觉
05:20
We've我们已经 got to fight斗争 our choices选择.
103
308961
1551
我的学生都很讨厌这样做
但你知道我是怎么做的么
05:22
And my students学生们 hate讨厌 this,
but you know what I do?
104
310536
2409
我不让他们坐在自己喜欢的座位上
05:24
I won't惯于 let them sit
in their favorite喜爱 seats.
105
312969
2191
我让他们换其他位置坐
05:27
I move移动 them around from seat座位 to seat座位.
106
315184
1819
我迫使他们和不同的人一起
05:29
I force them to work with different不同 people
107
317027
2367
因此在社交圈中就出现了
更多意外的碰撞
05:31
so there are more accidental偶然
bumps颠簸 in the network网络
108
319418
2725
通过这些碰撞
人们有机会认识彼此
05:34
where people get a chance机会
to connect with each other.
109
322167
2699
我们在哈佛大学
对这种干预方法进行了研究
05:36
And we studied研究 exactly究竟 this kind
of an intervention介入 at Harvard哈佛 University大学.
110
324890
4634
在哈佛 你观察室友群体时
05:41
At Harvard哈佛, when you look at
the rooming groups,
111
329548
3103
大一新生并不选择自己的室友
05:44
there's freshman新生 rooming groups,
people are not choosing选择 those roommates室友.
112
332675
3815
他们来自不同种族 不同民族
05:48
They're of all different不同 races比赛,
all different不同 ethnicities种族.
113
336514
2769
也许人们一开始会感觉不自在
05:51
Maybe people are initially原来 uncomfortable不舒服
with those roommates室友,
114
339307
3004
但令人惊讶的是
05:54
but the amazing惊人 thing is,
115
342335
1232
一年之后
05:55
at the end结束 of a year with those students学生们,
116
343591
2026
同学们能够克服一开始的不适
05:57
they're able能够 to overcome克服
that initial初始 discomfort不舒服.
117
345641
3427
他们能够发现和其他人
深层次的共同点
06:01
They're able能够 to find deep-level深层
commonalities共性 with people.
118
349092
3864
这里的关键不只是
带某人去喝咖啡
06:04
So the takeaway带走 here is not just
"take someone有人 out to coffee咖啡."
119
352980
5284
而是更微妙的东西
06:10
It's a little more subtle微妙.
120
358288
1294
是 去咖啡厅
06:11
It's "go to the coffee咖啡 room房间."
121
359606
2649
研究者谈论社交中心时认为
06:14
When researchers研究人员 talk about social社会 hubs集线器,
122
362279
2399
社交中心的特殊之处
在于你无法选择
06:16
what makes品牌 a social社会 hub枢纽 so special特别
is you can't choose选择;
123
364702
3811
你不能预测你会在那儿遇到谁
06:20
you can't predict预测 who
you're going to meet遇到 in that place地点.
124
368537
3730
在这里 一个有趣的悖论是
06:24
And so with these social社会 hubs集线器,
the paradox悖论 is, interestingly有趣 enough足够,
125
372291
5346
要想达到随机性
06:29
to get randomness随机性,
126
377661
1499
实际上需要一些规划
06:31
it requires要求, actually其实, some planning规划.
127
379184
2061
在我曾经工作的一所大学中
06:33
In one university大学 that I worked工作 at,
128
381269
2849
每一层楼都有一间收发室
06:36
there was a mail邮件 room房间
on every一切 single floor地板.
129
384142
2503
这意味着 在那里遇到的人
06:38
What that meant意味着 is that the only people
who would bump磕碰 into each other
130
386669
3655
都工作在同一楼层
06:42
are those who are actually其实 on that floor地板
131
390348
1959
他们通过其他方式也总能遇到
06:44
and who are bumping碰撞
into each other anyway无论如何.
132
392331
2014
在另一所我曾工作的大学中
只有一件收发室
06:46
At another另一个 university大学 I worked工作 at,
there was only one mail邮件 room房间,
133
394369
3064
因此全楼的教职工
06:49
so all the faculty学院
from all over that building建造
134
397457
3406
06:52
would run into each other
in that social社会 hub枢纽.
135
400887
2604
都会在这个小中心遇到彼此
06:56
A simple简单 change更改 in planning规划,
136
404098
2974
只是在规划上做一个小的改变
06:59
a huge巨大 difference区别 in the traffic交通 of people
137
407096
3115
就会带来人员流动的巨大差异
07:02
and the accidental偶然 bumps颠簸 in the network网络.
138
410235
2070
也会产生社交圈中意外的碰撞
07:04
Here's这里的 my question for you:
139
412329
2306
问大家一个问题
07:06
What are you doing that breaks休息 you
from your social社会 habits习惯?
140
414659
3514
为了改掉社交习惯
你做了哪些事情
07:10
Where do you find yourself你自己
141
418197
1595
你会去哪些地方
与各种各样的人不期而遇
07:11
in places地方 where you get injections注射
of unpredictable不可预料的 diversity多样?
142
419816
4906
07:17
And my students学生们 give me
some wonderful精彩 examples例子.
143
425165
2671
我的学生给出了一些很棒的示范
他们会去篮球场
与陌生人打篮球
07:19
They tell me when they're doing
pickup捡起 basketball篮球 games游戏,
144
427860
2834
07:22
or my favorite喜爱 example
is when they go to a dog park公园.
145
430718
2889
我很喜欢的一个想法是
一些学生会去小狗公园
这些学生表示这比网上约会更好
07:25
They tell me it's even better
than online线上 dating约会 when they're there.
146
433631
3593
因此 我需要你们思考的是
07:29
So the real真实 thing that
I want you to think about
147
437248
4030
我们需要对抗自己的筛选机制
07:33
is we've我们已经 got to fight斗争 our filters过滤器.
148
441302
2057
我们需要让自己更低效一些
07:35
We've我们已经 got to make ourselves我们自己
a little more inefficient低效,
149
443383
3217
这样就产生了
一个更不精确的社交搜索引擎
07:38
and by doing so, we are creating创建
a more imprecise不精确 social社会 search搜索 engine发动机.
150
446624
4978
你们就创造出了随机性
07:43
And you're creating创建 that randomness随机性,
151
451626
2360
还有那些好运气
在结识更多人的过程中
07:46
that luck运气 that is going to cause原因 you
to widen扩大 your travels旅行,
152
454010
2863
帮助你扩宽社交圈
07:48
through通过 your social社会 universe宇宙.
153
456897
1460
07:50
But in fact事实, there's more to it than that.
154
458812
2422
而事实还不仅如此
07:53
Sometimes有时 we actually其实 buy购买 ourselves我们自己
a second-class二等 ticket
155
461258
4743
有时候我们会在结识他人的过程中
给自己一些不利条件
07:58
to travel旅行 our social社会 universe宇宙.
156
466025
1670
08:00
We are not courageous勇敢
when we reach达到 out to people.
157
468337
3710
我们不够勇敢去主动认识他人
我来给大家举一个例子
08:04
Let me give you an example of that.
158
472071
2268
几年前的一个多事之秋
08:06
A few少数 years年份 ago, I had
a very eventful多事 year.
159
474363
2994
08:09
That year, I managed管理 to lose失去 a job工作,
160
477381
3202
我辞掉了工作
08:12
I managed管理 to get a dream梦想 job工作
overseas海外 and accept接受 it,
161
480607
3245
接受了一个梦寐以求的海外工作
下一个月我怀孕了
08:15
I had a baby宝宝 the next下一个 month,
162
483876
1582
我非常虚弱
08:17
I got very sick生病,
163
485482
1190
无法从事那项工作
08:18
I was unable无法 to take the dream梦想 job工作.
164
486696
2174
08:21
And so in a few少数 weeks,
what ended结束 up happening事件 was,
165
489319
2759
结果就是 在几周之后
我教师的身份没有了
08:24
I lost丢失 my identity身分 as a faculty学院 member会员,
166
492102
2928
新的身份是一个充满压力的母亲
08:27
and I got a very stressful压力
new identity身分 as a mother母亲.
167
495054
2998
我从其他人那里获得了很多建议
08:30
What I also got was tons
of advice忠告 from people.
168
498076
3144
在这些建议中
我最鄙视的一条就是
08:33
And the advice忠告 I despised鄙视
more than any other advice忠告 was,
169
501244
3105
你得去和每个人打打交道
08:36
"You've got to go network网络 with everybody每个人."
170
504373
2267
当你的内心世界濒临崩塌
08:38
When your psychological心理 world世界
is breaking破坏 down,
171
506664
3241
最困难的事情就是尝试
08:41
the hardest最难 thing to do
is to try and reach达到 out
172
509929
2882
08:44
and build建立 up your social社会 world世界.
173
512835
1812
主动建立自己的社交圈
因此我们在更大范围
上研究了这个观点
08:46
And so we studied研究 exactly究竟 this idea理念
on a much larger scale规模.
174
514671
4672
08:51
What we did was we looked看着 at high
and low socioeconomic社会经济 status状态 people,
175
519367
5908
我们观察了社会经济地位高
和地位低的两组人
将其置于两种情况
08:57
and we looked看着 at them in two situations情况.
176
525299
2370
我们先以基准情况进行观察
08:59
We looked看着 at them first
in a baseline底线 condition条件,
177
527693
2453
他们表现都十分自如
09:02
when they were quite相当 comfortable自在.
178
530170
1952
09:04
And what we found发现 was that
our lower降低 socioeconomic社会经济 status状态 people,
179
532146
3641
之后我们发现
社会经济地位低的人们
09:07
when they were comfortable自在,
were actually其实 reaching到达 out to more people.
180
535811
3442
会在主动接触更多人的
时候感到更加自如
他们希望认识更多人
09:11
They thought of more people.
181
539277
1424
相比于社会经济地位更高的人群
09:12
They were also less constrained受限
in how they were networking联网.
182
540725
2847
地位低的人在结交朋友时也更放得开
09:15
They were thinking思维 of more diverse多种 people
183
543596
2037
想要接触更多样化的人群
09:17
than the higher-status较高状态 people.
184
545657
1462
然后我们让他们考虑失去工作
09:19
Then we asked them
to think about maybe losing失去 a job工作.
185
547143
3121
以此作为一种威慑
09:22
We threatened受威胁 them.
186
550288
1216
当他们一旦开始思考这一点
09:23
And once一旦 they thought about that,
187
551528
2071
09:25
the networks网络 they generated产生
completely全然 differed不同.
188
553623
2696
他们构建的社交网变得完全不同
09:28
The lower降低 socioeconomic社会经济 status状态
people reached到达 inwards向内.
189
556651
3529
社会经济地位低的人不再接触外界
他们会考虑到更少的人
09:32
They thought of fewer people.
190
560204
1560
多元化程度也降低
09:33
They thought of less-diverse不太多样 people.
191
561788
2357
09:36
The higher更高 socioeconomic社会经济 status状态
people thought of more people,
192
564169
3629
社会经济地位高的人
会考虑到更多的人
09:39
they thought of a broader更广泛 network网络,
193
567822
1667
和更宽的社交圈
他们会认定自己会
不惧困难 重新振作
09:41
they were positioning定位 themselves他们自己
to bounce弹跳 back from that setback挫折.
194
569513
4184
09:46
Let's consider考虑 what this actually其实 means手段.
195
574101
2986
我们思考一下这意味着什么
09:49
Imagine想像 that you were being存在
spontaneously自发 unfriended举目无亲
196
577524
4421
设想你的社交圈里所有人都与你
解除好友关系
09:53
by everyone大家 in your network网络
197
581969
2721
除了你的爸爸妈妈和你家的狗
09:56
other than your mom妈妈,
your dad and your dog.
198
584714
3575
(笑声)
10:00
(Laughter笑声)
199
588313
1021
这本质上就是我们正在做的事情
10:01
This is essentially实质上 what we are doing
200
589358
2555
在我们最需要朋友的时刻
10:03
at these moments瞬间 when
we need our networks网络 the most.
201
591937
3156
10:08
Imagine想像 -- this is what we're doing.
We're doing it to ourselves我们自己.
202
596193
3084
想象一下 这就是我们正在对自己做的事
我们在精神上压制自己的关系网
10:11
We are mentally精神上 compressing压缩 our networks网络
203
599301
1970
当我们受到侵犯时
当我们被欺负时
10:13
when we are being存在 harassed骚扰,
when we are being存在 bullied欺负,
204
601295
2619
当我们被威胁失去工作时
10:15
when we are threatened受威胁 about losing失去 a job工作,
205
603938
2214
当我们感觉低落和脆弱时
10:18
when we feel down and weak.
206
606176
2376
10:20
We are closing关闭 ourselves我们自己 off,
isolating隔离 ourselves我们自己,
207
608576
2925
我们封闭了自己 隔离了自己
产生了一个盲点
令我们看不到自己拥有的资源
10:23
creating创建 a blind spot where we actually其实
don't see our resources资源.
208
611525
3744
我们看不到自己的盟友
看不到自己机会
10:27
We don't see our allies盟国,
we don't see our opportunities机会.
209
615293
2897
10:30
How can we overcome克服 this?
210
618214
1501
我们应该如何克服这一点呢
10:32
Two simple简单 strategies策略.
211
620136
1397
有两条简单的方法
第一条很简单
10:33
One strategy战略 is simply只是 to look
at your list名单 of FacebookFacebook的 friends朋友
212
621557
3738
查看你的脸书和领英网好友
10:37
and LinkedInLinkedIn friends朋友
213
625319
1156
提醒自己有哪些人在联系人列表里
10:38
just so you remind提醒 yourself你自己
of people who are there
214
626499
3057
而你却没想起来
10:41
beyond those that
automatically自动 come to mind心神.
215
629580
2520
10:44
And in our own拥有 research研究,
one of the things we did was,
216
632415
2833
在我们自己进行的研究中
我们参照了克劳德·斯蒂尔
在自我肯定方面的研究
10:47
we considered考虑 Claude克劳德 Steele's斯蒂尔的
research研究 on self-affirmation自我肯定:
217
635272
3611
即 从优势角度思考
你自己的价值关系网
10:50
simply只是 thinking思维 about your own拥有 values,
218
638907
2523
10:53
networking联网 from a place地点 of strength强度.
219
641454
1835
你自己的价值关系网
10:55
What Leigh Thompson汤普森, Hoon-Seok勋锡 Choi彩虹
and I were able能够 to do is,
220
643313
2910
雷恩·汤普森 崔洪熙和我发现
那些能够先肯定自我的人们
10:58
we found发现 that people
who had affirmed肯定 themselves他们自己 first
221
646247
3052
可以接受来自他人的建议
11:01
were able能够 to take advice忠告 from people
222
649323
1831
11:03
who would otherwise除此以外
be threatening危险的 to them.
223
651178
2137
而不是把他们当做威胁
11:06
Here's这里的 a last exercise行使.
224
654778
1846
下面我们进行最后一个小练习
11:09
I want you to look in your email电子邮件 in-box内框,
225
657245
3240
我希望你们看看自己的电邮收件箱
11:12
and I want you to look at the last time
you asked somebody for a favor偏爱.
226
660509
3727
看看最后一次你向他人
寻求帮助的时候
看一下你的措辞
11:16
And I want you to look
at the language语言 that you used.
227
664260
2540
11:18
Did you say things like,
228
666824
1863
你是不是提到
11:20
"Oh, you're a great resource资源,"
229
668711
1460
你真是太重要了
我欠你一个人情
11:22
or "I owe you one,"
230
670195
1476
我对您感激不尽
11:23
"I'm obligated责任 to you."
231
671695
1679
11:25
All of this language语言
represents代表 a metaphor隐喻.
232
673398
3241
这些话语都代表了一种寓意
11:28
It's a metaphor隐喻 of economics经济学,
233
676663
1854
是一种经济学的说法
像会计学里面的收支平衡表
11:30
of a balance平衡 sheet, of accounting会计,
234
678541
2235
是一种交易
11:32
of transactions交易.
235
680800
1282
当我们以交易的角度思考人类关系
11:34
And when we think about human人的 relations关系
in a transactional交易 way,
236
682106
3051
作为人类的我们会感到很不舒服
11:37
it is fundamentally从根本上 uncomfortable不舒服
to us as human人的 beings众生.
237
685181
3754
11:41
We must必须 think about human人的 relations关系
and reaching到达 out to people
238
689399
3726
我们必须用一种更人性的方式
去思考人类关系和与他人交往
11:45
in more humane人道 ways方法.
239
693149
1384
给大家提供一个解决方法
11:47
Here's这里的 an idea理念 as to how to do so.
240
695160
2813
观察其他语言中 请
谢谢 不客气 等等词汇
11:49
Look at words like "please," "thank you,"
"you're welcome欢迎" in other languages语言.
241
697997
5129
是如何表达的
11:55
Look at the literal文字
translation翻译 of these words.
242
703150
2246
这几个词都帮助我们在关系网中
11:57
Each of these words is a word
that helps帮助 us impose强加 upon other people
243
705420
3712
让别人接受我们
12:01
in our social社会 networks网络.
244
709156
1622
因此 谢谢 这个词
12:02
And so, the word "thank you,"
245
710802
1852
在西班牙语 意大利语 法语中分别是
12:04
if you look at it in Spanish西班牙语,
Italian意大利, French法国,
246
712678
2456
12:07
"gracias格拉西亚斯," "grazie感恩教堂," "merciMERCI" in French法国.
247
715158
3471
gracias grazie merci
12:10
Each of them are "grace恩典" and "mercy怜悯."
248
718653
1763
它们都含有grace(优雅)和mercy(仁慈)
它们都是神圣的单词
12:12
They are godly敬虔 words.
249
720440
1888
这些话语中没有经济交易的含义
12:14
There's nothing economic经济
or transactional交易 about those words.
250
722352
3362
12:18
The word "you're welcome欢迎" is interesting有趣.
251
726194
2139
不客气 这个词则很有趣
伟大的说服理论学家
罗伯特·科拉迪尼说
12:20
The great persuasion劝说 theorist理论家
Robert罗伯特 Cialdini·恰尔蒂尼 says
252
728357
2719
12:23
we've我们已经 got to get our favors好处 back.
253
731100
1597
我们需要别人能对我们的帮助以回报
因此我们会稍微带上一点交易色彩
12:24
So we need to emphasize注重
the transaction交易 a little bit more.
254
732721
2752
他表示 我们不要说 不客气
12:27
He says, "Let's not say 'You're'你是 welcome欢迎.'
255
735497
1984
改成说 我知道你也会这样对我的
12:29
Instead代替 say, 'I'一世 know you'd
do the same相同 for me.'"
256
737505
2895
但有时候 也许不从交易角度思考
12:32
But sometimes有时 it may可能 be helpful有帮助
to not think in transactional交易 ways方法,
257
740424
4481
把交易的意味冲淡一些 会更有帮助
12:36
to eliminate消除 the transaction交易,
to make it a little bit more invisible无形.
258
744929
3653
12:40
And in fact事实, if you look in Chinese中文,
259
748606
2147
事实上 如果参考中文
You're welcome 是不客气
12:42
the word "bú kè qì" in Chinese中文,
"You're welcome欢迎," means手段,
260
750777
3159
12:45
"Don't be formal正式; we're family家庭. We don't
need to go through通过 those formalities手续."
261
753960
3850
意思是 我们都是自家人
用不着客套
在印度尼西亚语中
不客气是kembali 意思是再来找我
12:49
And "kembalikembali" in Indonesian印度尼西亚
is "Come back to me."
262
757834
3280
12:53
When you say "You're welcome欢迎" next下一个 time,
263
761592
2032
当你下次说 You're welcome 时
思考一下如何能够
消除这种交易的感觉
12:55
think about how you can maybe
eliminate消除 the transaction交易
264
763648
2952
从而设法加强社交联系
12:58
and instead代替 strengthen加强 that social社会 tie领带.
265
766624
2545
也许换成 与你合作很愉快
这就是朋友应该做的 会更好
13:01
Maybe "It's great to collaborate合作,"
or "That's what friends朋友 are for."
266
769193
4355
13:06
I want you to think about how
you think about this ticket that you have
267
774771
4632
我还希望大家可以思考一下你拥有的
13:11
to travel旅行 your social社会 universe宇宙.
268
779427
2234
打开人际网络大门的钥匙
有一个比喻
13:13
Here's这里的 one metaphor隐喻.
269
781685
1357
13:15
It's a common共同 metaphor隐喻:
"Life is a journey旅程." Right?
270
783066
2475
它很普通 说的是
生活就是一次旅行
它是一次火车之旅
13:17
It's a train培养 ride,
271
785565
1186
如果你是列车上的乘客
13:18
and you're a passenger乘客 on the train培养,
272
786775
2362
13:21
and there are certain某些 people with you.
273
789161
1872
身边会有一些特定的人
有些人会乘坐这趟列车
13:23
Certain某些 people get on this train培养,
274
791057
2145
有些人会陪着你
有些人会在不同的车站离开
13:25
and some stay with you,
some leave离开 at different不同 stops停止,
275
793226
2577
13:27
new ones那些 may可能 enter输入.
276
795827
1413
新的人又会上车
13:29
I love this metaphor隐喻,
it's a beautiful美丽 one.
277
797264
2038
我喜爱这个比喻 它很美
但是我希望你能思考另一个比喻
13:31
But I want you to consider考虑
a different不同 metaphor隐喻.
278
799326
3014
13:34
This one is passive被动,
being存在 a passenger乘客 on that train培养,
279
802364
3558
因为这个比喻太被动了
作为列车的乘客
你的轨迹太单调了
13:37
and it's quite相当 linear线性.
280
805946
1176
你总会在某个特定地点下车
13:39
You're off to some particular特定 destination目的地.
281
807146
2521
13:42
Why not instead代替 think of yourself你自己
282
810045
2582
为什么不把自己想成是
一个原子
13:44
as an atom原子,
283
812651
1325
在社交的宇宙中
13:46
bumping碰撞 up against反对 other atoms原子,
284
814000
2341
与其他原子碰撞
13:48
maybe transferring转移 energy能源 with them,
285
816365
1757
也许与他们传递能量
13:50
bonding结合 with them a little
286
818146
1430
与他们建立亲密联系
13:51
and maybe creating创建 something new
287
819600
1898
甚至创造出新的东西
13:53
on your travels旅行
through通过 the social社会 universe宇宙.
288
821522
2504
13:56
Thank you so much.
289
824375
1403
非常感谢
我希望我们能够再次见到彼此
13:57
And I hope希望 we bump磕碰 into each other again.
290
825802
2094
13:59
(Applause掌声)
291
827920
4951
Translated by Yiran Wang
Reviewed by Eric Yang

▲Back to top

ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Tanya Menon - Organizational psychologist
Tanya Menon speaks, writes and consults on collaboration. Her research focuses on how people think about their relationships and the habits that allow them to build positive connections with other people.

Why you should listen

Tanya Menon is fascinated that in a time when we can instantaneously connect with nearly the whole world, we often instead filter our relationships even more narrowly. As such, we often get stuck in dead ends, missing out on new people, ideas and opportunities. Menon and her collaborators have studied the often mundane feelings and innocuous daily habits that cause people to remain in their social comfort zone and produce this polarization. And they have also explored ways that we can be more intentional about navigating the social world.

Menon is Associate Professor at the Ohio State University’s Fisher College of Business. Her research has been cited in the Wall Street Journal, Boston Globe, Chicago Tribune and The Financial Times. She is Associate Editor at Management Science journal, an award-winning teacher, and she has done keynotes, consulting and training for organizations all over the world. Her book with Dr. Leigh Thompson, Stop Spending, Start Managing: Strategies to Transform Wasteful Habits (2016, Harvard Business Review Press) explores various social traps people face in business, and how to overcome them.

Menon earned a bachelor's degree in sociology from Harvard University in 1995 and her Ph.D. from the Stanford Graduate School of Business. Her goal as a researcher, educator, consultant and parent is to create new ways for people to connect with each other so that they can live richer and more creative lives. She hopes that her work will help people intentionally create new habits to live a wider life and also share them widely.

More profile about the speaker
Tanya Menon | Speaker | TED.com