ABOUT THE SPEAKERS
Thordis Elva - Writer
Thordis Elva is one of the two authors of "South of Forgiveness," a unique collaboration between a survivor and perpetrator of rape.

Why you should listen

Thordis Elva is a firm believer in the healing potential of dialogue when it comes to ending the silence that shrouds sexual violence. In 2015, she was voted Woman of the Year in her native Iceland due to her tireless campaigning for gender equality.

As an award-winning writer, journalist and public speaker, Elva has utilized many different platforms for her activism, including plays, films and books. Her passion for equality extends to the internet, and she has toured extensively giving lectures about online bullying, non-consensual pornography and digital human rights to audiences such as the United Nations and the Nordic Council of Ministers.

Read a Q&A with Elva about her TED Talk on the TED Blog

More profile about the speaker
Thordis Elva | Speaker | TED.com
Tom Stranger - Co-author, landscape gardener
Tom Stranger is the co-author "South of Forgiveness."

Why you should listen

Social sciences and the outdoors have been both professional directions and personal themes for Tom Stranger. After studying social science and working in outdoor recreation, Tom Stranger's focus shifted towards working with young people with complex needs -- mental health challenges, substance addiction, homelessness and neurological impairment. His time working with young people has taught him the immense value of listening with intent.

Stranger has recently completed and thoroughly enjoyed a Master of Cultural Studies at the University of Sydney, and he has returned to work in the outdoors as a landscaper. During his studies, he was involved as a co-author in the writing of South of Forgiveness. He and the book's primary author, Thordis Elva, share the hope that in speaking up they will add their voices to the ever-growing public discourse around relations of gender and sexual violence.

Read a Q&A with Stranger about his TED Talk on the TED Blog.

More profile about the speaker
Tom Stranger | Speaker | TED.com
TEDWomen 2016

Thordis Elva and Tom Stranger: Our story of rape and reconciliation

索爾蒂絲 · 艾娃、湯姆 · 斯特蘭傑: 我們的故事-關強暴與和解的故事

Filmed:
5,570,439 views

1996年,索爾蒂絲 · 伊娃跟來自澳洲的交換學生湯姆 · 斯特蘭傑共享了青少年時期的浪漫戀情。一場校園舞會後,湯姆性侵了索爾蒂絲,之後他們分開了多年。在這場非凡的演說裡,伊娃和斯特蘭傑回溯了這些年的羞愧和沈默,並邀請聽眾以一種更新更誠實的方式來探討這無所不在的性暴力全球議題。與講者的問答,請參考go.ted.com/thordisandtom.
- Writer
Thordis Elva is one of the two authors of "South of Forgiveness," a unique collaboration between a survivor and perpetrator of rape. Full bio - Co-author, landscape gardener
Tom Stranger is the co-author "South of Forgiveness." Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:12
[This talk contains包含 graphic圖像 language語言
and descriptions說明 of sexual有性 violence暴力
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(本演講含有性暴力的圖像及描述,
建議觀眾斟酌考量。)
00:15
Viewer查看器 discretion慎重 is advised建議]
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00:16
Tom湯姆 Stranger陌生人: In 1996,
when I was 18 years年份 old,
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湯姆斯特蘭傑:
1996 年,我 18 歲時,
00:19
I had the golden金色 opportunity機會 to go
on an international國際 exchange交換 program程序.
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我有個絕佳機會能夠參加
一項國際交換學生計畫。
00:24
Ironically諷刺地 I'm an Australian澳大利亞
who prefers喜歡 proper正確 icy冷冰冰 cold weather天氣,
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諷刺的是,我是澳洲人,
卻偏好冰冷的天氣。
00:27
so I was both excited興奮 and tearful內牛滿面
when I got on a plane平面 to Iceland冰島,
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因此當我剛跟父母與兄弟告別完,
搭上飛往冰島的飛機,
心情是又興奮又傷心的。
00:32
after just having farewelledfarewelled
my parents父母 and brothers兄弟 goodbye再見.
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00:36
I was welcomed歡迎 into the home
of a beautiful美麗 Icelandic冰島的 family家庭
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迎接我的是一個美好的冰島家庭,
00:39
who took me hiking徒步旅行,
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他們帶我去健行,
00:41
and helped幫助 me get a grasp把握
of the melodic旋律 Icelandic冰島的 language語言.
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並幫助我了解優美的冰島語言。
00:45
I struggled掙扎 a bit with the initial初始
period of homesickness鄉思.
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我在剛到這裡的時候很想家。
00:48
I snowboardedsnowboarded after school學校,
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我在放學後會去滑雪,
00:50
and I slept a lot.
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而且睡很多覺。
00:52
Two hours小時 of chemistry化學 class in a language語言
that you don't yet然而 fully充分 understand理解
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兩個小時的化學課,
用我還無法完全理解的語言來講授,
00:56
can be a pretty漂亮 good sedative鎮靜劑.
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是種很好的鎮靜劑。
00:58
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
01:00
My teacher老師 recommended推薦的
I try out for the school學校 play,
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我的老師建議我
嘗試學校的戲劇表演,
01:03
just to get me a bit more socially社交上 active活性.
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只是想讓我在社交上更積極些。
01:06
It turns out I didn't end結束 up
being存在 part部分 of the play,
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最後,我沒有在劇中演出任何角色,
01:08
but through通過 it I met會見 ThordisThordis.
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但透過這個機緣,
我遇到了索爾蒂絲。
01:11
We shared共享 a lovely可愛 teenage青少年 romance浪漫,
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我們共渡了浪漫青春,
01:13
and we'd星期三 meet遇到 at lunchtimes午餐時間
to just hold保持 hands
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我們在午餐時間見面,手牽手,
01:16
and walk步行 around old downtown市中心 Reykjav雷克雅未克ík.
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在雷克雅維克的古老鬧區散步。
01:18
I met會見 her welcoming歡迎 family家庭,
and she met會見 my friends朋友.
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我見了她那熱情的家庭,
她也見了我的朋友。
01:22
We'd星期三 been in a budding芽接 relationship關係
for a bit over a month
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我們的萌芽期關係
持續了一個多月時間,
01:25
when our school's學校的 Christmas聖誕 Ball was held保持.
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這時學校正要舉辦聖誕舞會。
01:30
ThordisThordis Elva蕭亞軒: I was 16
and in love for the first time.
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索爾蒂絲艾娃:
我當時 16 歲,那是我的初戀。
01:33
Going together一起 to the Christmas聖誕 dance舞蹈
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一起去參加聖誕舞會
01:35
was a public上市 confirmation確認
of our relationship關係,
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就是在公開確認我們的關係,
01:38
and I felt like the luckiest幸運
girl女孩 in the world世界.
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我覺得自己是世界上最幸運的女生。
01:41
No longer a child兒童, but a young年輕 woman女人.
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我不再是個小女孩,
而是個年輕女子。
01:44
High on my newfound新發現 maturity到期,
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剛剛轉成熟,我還很興奮,
01:46
I felt it was only natural自然 to try drinking
rum朗姆酒 for the first time that night, too.
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我也覺得在那晚第一次嘗試
喝蘭姆酒是很自然的。
01:51
That was a bad idea理念.
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那真是個壞主意。
01:53
I became成為 very ill生病,
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我變得很不舒服,
01:55
drifting漂流 in and out of consciousness意識
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在每次突發的嘔吐之間,
01:56
in between之間 spasms痙攣 of convulsive抽搐的 vomiting嘔吐.
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我的意識時而清醒時而恍惚。
02:00
The security安全 guards衛士 wanted
to call me an ambulance救護車,
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保全人員想幫我叫救護車,
02:03
but Tom湯姆 acted行動 as my knight騎士
in shining閃亮的 armor盔甲,
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但湯姆扮演起我的白馬王子,
02:06
and told them he'd他會 take me home.
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他告訴他們,他會帶我回家。
02:08
It was like a fairy仙女 tale故事,
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就像童話故事一樣,
02:10
his strong強大 arms武器 around me,
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他強壯的手臂摟著我,
02:12
laying鋪設 me in the safety安全 of my bed.
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扶著我直到我安全地躺在床上。
02:15
But the gratitude感謝 that I felt
towards him soon不久 turned轉身 to horror恐怖
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但我對他的感激,很快轉變成恐懼,
02:20
as he proceeded繼續 to take off my clothes衣服
and get on top最佳 of me.
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因為他開始脫掉我的衣服,
爬到我身上。
02:25
My head had cleared清除 up,
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我的頭腦清醒了,
02:26
but my body身體 was still
too weak to fight鬥爭 back,
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但我的身體還是太虛弱,無法反擊,
02:29
and the pain疼痛 was blinding致盲.
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痛楚讓我視線模糊。
02:32
I thought I'd be severed切斷 in two.
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我覺得我會被撕裂成兩半。
02:35
In order訂購 to stay sane明智的,
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為了保持理智,
02:37
I silently默默 counted the seconds
on my alarm報警 clock時鐘.
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我默默地聽著時鐘,計算著每一秒。
02:41
And ever since以來 that night,
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從那天晚上之後,
02:43
I've known已知 that there are 7,200
seconds in two hours小時.
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我就知道了兩小時共有 7200 秒。
02:51
Despite儘管 limping跛行 for days
and crying哭了 for weeks,
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儘管我跛行了好幾天、
哭了好幾週之外,
02:54
this incident事件 didn't fit適合 my ideas思路
about rape強姦 like I'd seen看到 on TV電視.
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這個事件跟我在電視上
看到的強暴概念並不相符。
02:59
Tom湯姆 wasn't an armed武裝 lunatic瘋子;
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湯姆並不是有武裝的瘋子;
03:01
he was my boyfriend男朋友.
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他是我的男朋友。
03:03
And it didn't happen發生 in a seedy襤褸的 alleyway胡同,
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且這件事並不是
發生在骯髒的小巷裡,
03:05
it happened發生 in my own擁有 bed.
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而是在我自己的床上。
03:08
By the time I could identify鑑定
what had happened發生 to me as rape強姦,
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等到我能確認
我遇到的事就是強暴時,
03:12
he had completed完成 his exchange交換 program程序
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他已經完成了交換學生計畫,
03:14
and left for Australia澳大利亞.
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離開冰島回澳洲。
03:16
So I told myself it was pointless無意義
to address地址 what had happened發生.
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所以我告訴自己,
再提這件事也沒有意義。
03:20
And besides除了,
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此外,
03:21
it had to have been my fault故障, somehow不知何故.
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不知怎麼的,我總覺得這是我的錯。
03:24
I was raised上調 in a world世界
where girls女孩 are taught
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在我成長的世界中,
女孩們被教導的是,
03:27
that they get raped強姦 for a reason原因.
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女孩被強暴一定是有理由的。
03:29
Their skirt短裙 was too short,
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一定是她們的裙子太短了,
03:32
their smile微笑 was too wide,
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她們笑容得太大了,
03:34
their breath呼吸 smelled of alcohol.
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她們的口氣中有酒精的味道。
03:38
And I was guilty有罪 of all of those things,
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以上這些,我都有罪,
03:40
so the shame恥辱 had to be mine.
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所以這羞辱是我罪有應得。
03:43
It took me years年份 to realize實現
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我花了好多年才了解,
03:45
that only one thing could have stopped停止 me
from being存在 raped強姦 that night,
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只有一樣東西能阻止
我在那晚被強暴,
03:49
and it wasn't my skirt短裙,
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而那東西並不是我的裙子,
03:51
it wasn't my smile微笑,
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不是我的笑容,
03:53
it wasn't my childish幼稚 trust相信.
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不是我幼稚的信任。
03:55
The only thing that could've可能已經 stopped停止 me
from being存在 raped強姦 that night
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能阻止我在那晚被強暴的,
03:59
is the man who raped強姦 me --
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只有強暴我的男人,
04:01
had he stopped停止 himself他自己.
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如果他能制止他自己。
04:04
TSTS: I have vague模糊 memories回憶 of the next下一個 day:
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湯姆:我隔天的記憶很模糊:
04:07
the after effects效果 of drinking,
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這是喝酒的後果,
04:10
a certain某些 hollowness空虛
that I tried試著 to stifle窒息.
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是我試圖抑止的一種空虛感。
04:13
Nothing more.
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其他什麼都沒有。
04:15
But I didn't show顯示 up at Thordis'sThordis 的 door.
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但我沒有去索爾蒂絲家找她。
04:19
It is important重要 to now state
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現在,很重要的是要說明,
04:21
that I didn't see my deed契據 for what it was.
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我當時並不清楚自己做的是什麼。
04:24
The word "rape強姦" didn't echo迴聲
around my mind心神 as it should've應該,
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「強暴」這個詞並沒有在
我腦中迴盪,雖然它應該要。
04:28
and I wasn't crucifying釘死 myself
with memories回憶 of the night before.
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而我也沒有因前晚的記憶
而嚴厲斥責我自己。
04:33
It wasn't so much a conscious意識 refusal拒絕,
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它不太像是一種有意識的拒絕,
04:35
it was more like any acknowledgment承認
of reality現實 was forbidden被禁止.
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比較像是…承認現實是被禁止的。
04:40
My definition定義 of my actions行動 completely全然
refuted駁斥 any recognition承認
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我對我的行為所做的定義,
可說是完全否認了
我對索爾蒂絲造成的巨大創傷。
04:44
of the immense巨大 trauma外傷 I caused造成 ThordisThordis.
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04:48
To be honest誠實,
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老實說,
04:49
I repudiated否定 the entire整個 act法案
in the days afterwards之後
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在之後的日子裡,
我拒絕承認這個行為,
04:54
and when I was committing提交 it.
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在我做出這件事的當下也拒絕承認。
04:57
I disavowed已拒絕 the truth真相 by convincing使人信服
myself it was sex性別 and not rape強姦.
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我說服自己,那是性愛而非強暴,
用這方式來否認真相。
05:02
And this is a lie謊言 I've felt
spine-bending脊柱彎曲 guilt有罪 for.
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而這是個謊言,讓我一直
感到極度罪惡的謊言。
05:08
I broke打破 up with ThordisThordis
a couple一對 of days later後來,
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幾天之後我跟索爾蒂絲分手了,
05:10
and then saw her a number of times
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我在冰鳥的那年,
05:12
during the remainder
of my year in Iceland冰島,
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後來還見過她幾次。
05:14
feeling感覺 a sharp尖銳 stab
of heavyheartednessheavyheartedness each time.
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每次見到她,都感悲哀的銳利一刺。
05:18
Deep down, I knew知道 I'd doneDONE
something immeasurably沒法比 wrong錯誤.
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在內心深處,
我知道我犯下了極大的錯誤。
05:23
But without planning規劃 it,
I sunk沉沒 the memories回憶 deep,
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但我沒有刻意計畫,
就自動讓記憶沉入心底,
05:26
and then I tied a rock to them.
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還將它綁在一顆大石頭上。
05:30
What followed其次 is a nine-year九年 period
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接下來的九年,
05:31
that can best最好 be titled標題
as "Denial否認 and Running運行."
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最適合被稱為「否認和逃跑」期。
05:36
When I got a chance機會 to identify鑑定
the real真實 torment折磨 that I caused造成,
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當我有機會可以去確認
我造成的巨大痛苦時,
05:40
I didn't stand still long enough足夠 to do so.
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我卻選擇逃走而不去確認。
05:44
Whether是否 it be via通過 distraction娛樂,
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不管是透過什麼方式,如分散注意力、
05:46
substance物質 use,
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使用違禁品、
05:47
thrill-seeking尋求刺激
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尋求刺激,
05:49
or the scrupulous一絲不苟 policing治安
of my inner speak說話,
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或謹慎守好我內在的舵輪,
05:52
I refused拒絕 to be static靜態的 and silent無聲.
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我拒絕保持靜止和沉默。
05:56
And with this noise噪聲,
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因為有這雜音,
05:58
I also drew德魯 heavily嚴重
upon other parts部分 of my life
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我更深深仰賴我生活中的其他部分,
06:01
to construct構造 a picture圖片 of who I was.
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來建構出我是誰的形象。
06:04
I was a surfer衝浪者,
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我曾是衝浪客、
06:05
a social社會 science科學 student學生,
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社會科學學生、
06:07
a friend朋友 to good people,
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一些好人的朋友、
06:09
a loved喜愛 brother哥哥 and son兒子,
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被愛的兄弟和兒子、
06:12
an outdoor戶外 recreation娛樂 guide指南,
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戶外活動指導員,
06:13
and eventually終於, a youth青年 worker工人.
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最終,成了服務青年的社會工作者。
06:16
I gripped抓住 tight to the simple簡單 notion概念
that I wasn't a bad person.
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我緊緊抓住
「我不是壞人」的簡單想法。
06:21
I didn't think I had this in my bones骨頭.
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我不認為這是我的本性。
06:24
I thought I was made製作 up of something else其他.
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我認為我的本性是其他東西。
06:26
In my nurtured培育 upbringing教養,
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在我被養育長大的過程中,
06:28
my loving愛心 extended擴展 family家庭 and role角色 models楷模,
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我慈愛的家人跟典範,
06:31
people close to me were warm and genuine真正
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跟我很親的人在對女性展現尊重時
06:33
in their respect尊重 shown顯示 towards women婦女.
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都很溫暖真誠。
06:36
It took me a long time to stare down
this dark黑暗 corner of myself,
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我花了很長一段時間,才敢
正視我自己的這個黑暗角落,
06:41
and to ask it questions問題.
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對它問問題。
06:46
TETE: Nine years年份 after the Christmas聖誕 dance舞蹈,
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索:聖誕節舞會的九年後,
06:48
I was 25 years年份 old,
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我二十五歲,
06:49
and headed當家 straight直行
for a nervous緊張 breakdown分解.
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直直朝精神崩潰邁進。
06:53
My self-worth自我價值 was buried隱藏
under a soul-crushing靈魂破碎 load加載 of silence安靜
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我的自我價值被埋在
足以壓碎靈魂的沈默重擔之下,
06:56
that isolated孤立 me from everyone大家
that I cared照顧 about,
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這在我跟我關心的
每個人之間建立了隔閡,
07:00
and I was consumed消費
with misplaced放錯地方 hatred and anger憤怒
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我對自己感到憎恨和憤怒,
07:02
that I took out on myself.
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而這弄錯對象的
憎恨和憤怒吞噬著我。
07:05
One day, I stormed out
of the door in tears眼淚
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有一天,我哭著衝出門,
07:08
after a fight鬥爭 with a loved喜愛 one,
140
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1943
因為我跟我愛的人吵了一架,
07:10
and I wandered逛到 into a cafCAFé,
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我晃到了一間咖啡廳,
07:11
where I asked the waitress小姐 for a pen鋼筆.
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在那裡我跟女服務生要了一支筆。
07:14
I always had a notebook筆記本 with me,
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我都會隨身著筆記本,
07:16
claiming自稱 that it was to jot小額 down ideas思路
in moments瞬間 of inspiration靈感,
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宣稱它是用來快速記下乍現的靈光,
07:20
but the truth真相 was that I needed需要
to be constantly經常 fidgeting坐立不安,
145
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但事實是,我需要保持
坐立不安的狀態,
07:24
because in moments瞬間 of stillness寂靜,
146
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1887
因為在靜止的時刻,
07:26
I found發現 myself counting數數 seconds again.
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我發現我又會開始數秒數。
07:30
But that day, I watched看著 in wonder奇蹟
as the words streamed out of my pen鋼筆,
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但,那天,我驚奇地看著
我筆下揮灑出的文字,
07:35
forming成型 the most pivotal關鍵的 letter
I've ever written書面,
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形成了我所寫過最關鍵性的一封信,
07:38
addressed解決 to Tom湯姆.
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收件人是湯姆。
07:40
Along沿 with an account帳戶 of the violence暴力
that he subjected me to,
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內容描述他讓我遭受的暴力,
07:43
the words, "I want to find forgiveness饒恕"
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「我想找到寬恕」這幾個字
07:47
stared盯著 back at me,
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回望著我,
07:48
surprising奇怪 nobody沒有人 more than myself.
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沒有人比我更驚訝了。
07:51
But deep down I realized實現 that this
was my way out of my suffering痛苦,
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但內心深處,我知道
這是我脫離苦難的路,
07:56
because regardless而不管 of whether是否 or not
he deserved應得 my forgiveness饒恕,
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因為不論他是否應該得到我的寬恕,
08:00
I deserved應得 peace和平.
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我都應該得到平靜。
08:03
My era時代 of shame恥辱 was over.
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我的羞愧時期結束了。
08:08
Before sending發出 the letter,
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寄出這封信之前,
08:09
I prepared準備 myself for all kinds
of negative responses回复,
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我讓自己準備好
面對各種可能的負面回應,
08:12
or what I found發現 likeliest有可能的:
no response響應 whatsoever任何.
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或最有可能的情況:沒有回應。
08:17
The only outcome結果
that I didn't prepare準備 myself for
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只有一個結果是我沒準備要面對的,
08:19
was the one that I then got --
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它卻發生了。
08:22
a typed類型 confession自白書 from Tom湯姆,
full充分 of disarming撤防 regret後悔.
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湯姆用打字回覆的自白信,
內容盡是悔恨,讓我的氣都消了。
08:27
As it turns out, he, too,
had been imprisoned囚禁 by silence安靜.
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結果發現,他也一直
被沈默給禁錮著。
08:32
And this marked the start開始
of an eight-year-long八年之久 correspondence對應
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這開始了一段長達
八年之久的書信往來,
08:36
that God knows知道 was never easy簡單,
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天知道這一點也不容易,
08:38
but always honest誠實.
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但永遠要誠實。
08:41
I relieved安心 myself of the burdens負擔
that I'd wrongfully非法 shouldered,
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我放下了我誤扛起的重擔,
08:45
and he, in turn, wholeheartedly竭誠
owned擁有的 up to what he'd他會 doneDONE.
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而他,則全心全意坦承他所做的事。
08:49
Our written書面 exchanges交流 became成為 a platform平台
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我們的書面交流成了一個平台,
08:51
to dissect解剖 the consequences後果 of that night,
172
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用來仔細分析那晚的後果,
08:54
and they were everything
from gut-wrenching腸痛苦
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所有的後果都談了,從摧心裂肝
08:56
to healing復原 beyond words.
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到文字無法形容的療癒。
08:59
And yet然而, it didn't bring帶來 about
closure關閉 for me.
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然而,它並沒有為我
將此事畫上句點。
09:04
Perhaps也許 because the email電子郵件 format格式
didn't feel personal個人 enough足夠,
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或許是因為我覺得電子郵件的形式
沒有足夠的親身感,
09:07
perhaps也許 because it's easy簡單 to be brave勇敢
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1911
或許是因為當你身在地球的另一端
09:09
when you're hiding behind背後 a computer電腦
screen屏幕 on the other side of the planet行星.
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躲在電腦後面時,
要表現勇敢是比較容易的。
09:13
But we'd星期三 begun開始 a dialogue對話
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1786
但我們開始了對話,
09:15
that I felt was necessary必要
to explore探索 to its fullest最大.
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我認為若要充分探索這件事,
這種對話是必要的。
09:20
So, after eight years年份 of writing寫作,
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2065
所以,通信八年之後,
09:22
and nearly幾乎 16 years年份 after that dire可怕的 night,
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3706
也就是那可怕夜晚的約十六年之後,
09:25
I mustered糾集 the courage勇氣
to propose提出 a wild野生 idea理念:
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我鼓起勇氣,提出一個狂野的想法:
09:29
that we'd星期三 meet遇到 up in person
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讓我們親自見面,
09:31
and face面對 our past過去 once一旦 and for all.
185
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一勞永逸面對我們的過去。
09:37
TSTS: Iceland冰島 and Australia澳大利亞
are geographically地理 like this.
186
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湯:冰島和澳洲在
地理上的位置就像這樣。
09:41
In the middle中間 of the two is South Africa非洲.
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兩個國家的中間是南非。
09:44
We decided決定 upon the city of Cape Town,
188
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2905
我們決定選擇開普敦,
09:46
and there we met會見 for one week.
189
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2044
在那裡碰面一週。
09:50
The city itself本身 proved證實 to be
a stunningly令人震驚 powerful強大 environment環境
190
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3470
事實證明,若想要
專注在和解和寬恕,
09:53
to focus焦點 on reconciliation和解
and forgiveness饒恕.
191
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2884
這座城市是個極強大的環境。
09:57
Nowhere無處 else其他 has healing復原
and rapprochement和睦 been tested測試
192
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2639
沒有其他地方像南非這樣,
和解和調解都經過了如此的測試。
10:00
like it has in South Africa非洲.
193
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1634
10:03
As a nation國家, South Africa非洲 sought追捧
to sit within the truth真相 of its past過去,
194
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3867
就一個國家而言,南非尋求的
是面對過去的真相,
10:06
and to listen to the details細節
of its history歷史.
195
594927
2403
並傾聽其歷史的種種細節。
10:10
Knowing會心 this only magnified放大 the effect影響
that Cape Town had on us.
196
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知道這一點,只是放大了
開普敦對我們的影響。
10:16
Over the course課程 of this week,
197
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在這一週的過程中,
10:17
we literally按照字面 spoke
our life stories故事 to each other,
198
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2890
我們真的跟彼此分享了
自己的人生故事,
10:20
from start開始 to finish.
199
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從頭到尾都分享了。
10:23
And this was about analyzing分析
our own擁有 history歷史.
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重點是在分析我們自己的歷史。
10:27
We followed其次 a strict嚴格 policy政策
of being存在 honest誠實,
201
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我們遵守一條嚴格的政策:要誠實。
10:30
and this also came來了
with a certain某些 exposure曝光,
202
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這就會伴隨著某些事實的揭露,
10:33
an open-chested開放式上身 vulnerability漏洞.
203
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1906
打開心胸,不再隱藏自己的脆弱。
10:36
There were gutting古亭 confessions自白,
204
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2127
過程有著發自深處的懺悔,
10:38
and moments瞬間 where we just
absolutely絕對 couldn't不能 fathom捉摸
205
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2824
有些時候,我們就是怎樣都無法
理解對方所經歷的。
10:41
the other person's人的 experience經驗.
206
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1808
10:44
The seismic地震 effects效果 of sexual有性 violence暴力
were spoken aloud高聲 and felt,
207
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4894
性暴力的重大影響被
大聲說出來、被感受到了,
且是面對面的情況下。
10:49
face面對 to face面對.
208
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1330
10:51
At other times, though雖然,
209
639979
1503
不過,其他時候,
10:53
we found發現 a soaring沖天 clarity明晰,
210
641506
2634
我們的思想變得相當清楚,
10:57
and even some totally完全 unexpected意外
but liberating解放 laughter笑聲.
211
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4400
甚至會解放地有說有笑,
這完全不在預期之中。
11:03
When it came來了 down to it,
212
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1530
談到這件事時,
11:04
we did out best最好 to listen
to each other intently一心一意.
213
652804
3628
我們都盡自己的力,
專心傾聽了彼此。
11:09
And our individual個人 realities現實
were aired播出 with an unfiltered未經過濾 purity純度
214
657404
5841
未被過濾的純淨,
暢通了我們個別的現實,
11:15
that couldn't不能 do any less
than lighten減輕 the soul靈魂.
215
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2376
這純淨點亮了我們的靈魂。
11:20
TETE: Wanting婉婷 to take revenge復仇
is a very human人的 emotion情感 --
216
668508
4045
索:想要報復是人都會有的情緒,
11:24
instinctual本能, even.
217
672577
1638
甚至可以說是本能。
11:26
And all I wanted to do for years年份
218
674829
2011
多年來,我一直想做的是
11:28
was to hurt傷害 Tom湯姆 back as deeply
as he had hurt傷害 me.
219
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3969
用同樣重傷的方式來回敬他。
11:33
But had I not found發現 a way
out of the hatred and anger憤怒,
220
681658
3053
但若我當初沒有找到方式
擺脫憎恨及憤怒,
11:36
I'm not sure I'd be standing常設 here today今天.
221
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2165
我不確定今天我是否會站在這裡。
11:40
That isn't to say that I didn't have
my doubts疑惑 along沿 the way.
222
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3927
那並不是說我一路走來
都沒有懷疑過。
11:44
When the plane平面 bounced反彈
on that landing降落 strip跳閘 in Cape Town,
223
692689
3661
但當飛機顛簸地降落在開普敦時,
11:48
I remember記得 thinking思維,
224
696374
1603
我記得我那時在想,
11:50
"Why did I not just get myself
a therapist治療師 and a bottle瓶子 of vodka伏特加
225
698001
4206
「我為何不跟正常人一樣,
找個心理治療師跟
一瓶伏特加就好了?」
11:54
like a normal正常 person would do?"
226
702231
2216
11:56
(Laughter笑聲)
227
704471
2920
(笑聲)
11:59
At times, our search搜索
for understanding理解 in Cape Town
228
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3205
有時,我們在開普敦尋求了解的過程
12:02
felt like an impossible不可能 quest尋求,
229
710644
2167
感覺就像是趟不可能的追尋。
12:04
and all I wanted to do was to give up
230
712835
2099
而我所想做的就只有放棄,
12:06
and go home to my loving愛心
husband丈夫, VidirVidir,
231
714958
2216
然後回家,回到珍愛我的老公維德
12:09
and our son兒子.
232
717198
1211
及我們的兒子身邊。
12:11
But despite儘管 our difficulties困難,
233
719994
2363
但儘管我們遇到困難,
12:14
this journey旅程 did result結果
in a victorious獲勝 feeling感覺
234
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4628
這趟旅程確造成了一種凱旋的感覺,
12:19
that light had triumphed勝利 over darkness黑暗,
235
727033
3133
光明戰勝了黑暗的感覺,
12:22
that something constructive建設性
could be built內置 out of the ruins廢墟.
236
730812
4312
在斷垣殘壁中也能建造出
有建設性的東西。
12:28
I read somewhere某處
237
736572
1325
我在某處讀到的:
12:29
that you should try and be the person
that you needed需要 when you were younger更年輕.
238
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3861
你應該試著成為
你過去需要的那個人。
12:33
And back when I was a teenager青少年,
239
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1584
在我還是青少女時,
12:35
I would have needed需要 to know
that the shame恥辱 wasn't mine,
240
743414
3848
其實我當時很需要知道的是:
該羞恥的人不是我,
12:39
that there's hope希望 after rape強姦,
241
747286
2514
在強暴之後仍然有希望,
12:41
that you can even find happiness幸福,
242
749824
1595
你甚至可以找幸福,
12:43
like I share分享 with my husband丈夫 today今天.
243
751443
1890
就像我現在跟老公之間的幸福。
12:45
Which哪一個 is why I started開始 writing寫作 feverishly狂熱
upon my return返回 from Cape Town,
244
753861
4355
這就是為何從開普敦回來後,
我就開始狂熱地寫作,
12:50
resulting造成 in a book co-authored合著 by Tom湯姆,
245
758240
2724
產物就是我和湯姆
共同寫出的一本書,
12:52
that we hope希望 can be of use
to people from both ends結束
246
760988
3185
我們希望在「行兇者-倖存者」
12:56
of the perpetrator-survivor犯罪者,倖存者 scale規模.
247
764197
2304
天平兩端的人,
都可以用得到這本書。
12:59
If nothing else其他,
248
767180
1454
如果不是別的,
13:00
it's a story故事 that we would've會一直 needed需要
to hear when we were younger更年輕.
249
768658
4135
這本書至少是我們更早先時
應該要聽到的故事。
13:06
Given特定 the nature性質 of our story故事,
250
774726
1821
因為我們這個故事的本質,
13:08
I know the words
that inevitably必將 accompany it --
251
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2776
我知道會有些無法避免用到的字眼
13:11
victim受害者, rapist強姦犯 --
252
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2556
──受害者、強暴犯──
13:14
and labels標籤 are a way to organize組織 concepts概念,
253
782513
2255
貼上這些標籤是可以
整理概念的一種方式,
13:16
but they can also be dehumanizing非人性化
in their connotations內涵.
254
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4382
但它們背後的暗示
也可能導致人性的喪失。
13:21
Once一旦 someone's誰家 been deemed認為 a victim受害者,
255
789838
2100
一旦某個人被視為是受害者時,
13:23
it's that much easier更輕鬆 to file文件 them away
as someone有人 damaged破損,
256
791962
5233
就很容易將他歸類為受損的人、
13:29
dishonored受辱,
257
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1506
不名譽的人、
13:30
less than.
258
798749
1275
比較差的人。
13:32
And likewise同樣, once一旦 someone有人
has been branded品牌 a rapist強姦犯,
259
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2720
同樣,一旦某個人被
冠上強暴犯的污名,
13:35
it's that much easier更輕鬆
to call him a monster怪物 --
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就很容易可以稱他為怪物,
13:38
inhuman不人道.
261
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毫無人性。
13:40
But how will we understand理解
what it is in human人的 societies社會
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但我們怎會知道,在人類的社會中,
13:43
that produces產生 violence暴力
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是什麼造成暴力的,
13:45
if we refuse垃圾 to recognize認識
the humanity人性 of those who commit承諾 it?
264
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如果我們拒絕承認
這些犯罪者也是有人性的?
13:50
And how --
265
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我們如何
13:51
(Applause掌聲)
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(掌聲)
13:53
And how can we empower授權 survivors倖存者
if we're making製造 them feel less than?
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如果我們讓倖存者覺得一文不值,
該如何給予他們自主權?
14:00
How can we discuss討論 solutions解決方案
to one of the biggest最大 threats威脅
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我們如何能討論要用什麼方式來解決
14:03
to the lives生活 of women婦女 and children孩子
around the world世界,
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831523
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全世界女性和孩童在生活中
面臨的最大威脅之一,
14:06
if the very words we use
are part部分 of the problem問題?
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如果我們自己使用的字詞
本身就是問題的一部分?
14:13
TSTS: From what I've now learnt學到了,
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湯:根據我所學到的,
14:16
my actions行動 that night in 1996
were a self-centered以自我為中心 taking服用.
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4573
1996 年那晚,我的行為
是自我中心使然,
14:22
I felt deserving值得 of Thordis'sThordis 的 body身體.
273
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我覺得索爾蒂絲的身體
本來就該是我的。
14:25
I've had primarily主要 positive
social社會 influences影響
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我身邊接觸到的
通常都是正面的社會影響,
14:28
and examples例子 of equitable公平
behavior行為 around me.
275
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以及公正行為的榜樣。
14:31
But on that occasion場合,
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但在那個場合,
14:33
I chose選擇 to draw upon the negative ones那些.
277
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我做了負面的選擇。
14:35
The ones那些 that see women婦女
as having less intrinsic固有 worth價值,
278
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2896
我選擇看輕女性的內在價值,
14:39
and of men男人 having some unspoken
and symbolic象徵 claim要求 to their bodies身體.
279
867687
4411
認為男性對於女性的身體,
有著心照不宣跟象徵性的所有權。
14:45
These influences影響 I speak說話 of
are external外部 to me, though雖然.
280
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3009
不過,我說的這些影響
對我而言都是外在影響。
14:49
And it was only me in that room房間
making製造 choices選擇,
281
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2781
在那個房間中,
只有我是能做選擇的人,
14:52
nobody沒有人 else其他.
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只有我。
14:54
When you own擁有 something
283
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1785
當你擁有某樣東西,
14:56
and really square廣場 up to your culpability有罪,
284
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2618
且能真正果敢地面對
應承擔的罪責時,
15:00
I do think a surprising奇怪 thing can happen發生.
285
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2323
我確實相信驚人的事
是有可能發生的。
15:03
It's what I call a paradox悖論 of ownership所有權.
286
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2307
這就是我所謂的所有權矛盾。
15:06
I thought I'd buckle
under the weight重量 of responsibility責任.
287
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2792
我以為責任的重量會讓我垮掉。
15:10
I thought my certificate證書
of humanity人性 would be burnt.
288
898377
2883
我以為我的人性證書會被燒掉。
15:14
Instead代替, I was offered提供
to really own擁有 what I did,
289
902476
3746
取而代之,我得以
真正承認我的行為,
15:19
and found發現 that it didn't possess具有
the entirety整體 of who I am.
290
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3260
我發現它不能支配全部的我。
15:23
Put simply只是,
291
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1361
簡單來說,
15:24
something you've doneDONE doesn't have
to constitute構成 the sum of who you are.
292
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4516
你所做的某件事,
不見得就會構成全部的你。
15:30
The noise噪聲 in my head abated減弱.
293
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1658
我腦中的雜音減少了。
15:32
The indulgent放縱的 self-pity自憐
was starved飢餓 of oxygen,
294
920951
4028
放縱的自憐面臨到氧氣不足,
15:37
and it was replaced更換
with the clean清潔 air空氣 of acceptance驗收 --
295
925003
4473
接受的新鮮空氣取代了它。
15:42
an acceptance驗收 that I did hurt傷害
this wonderful精彩 person standing常設 next下一個 to me;
296
930658
4284
接受我確實傷害過現在
站在我身邊的這個好人;
15:46
an acceptance驗收 that I am part部分 of a large
and shockingly令人吃驚 everyday每天 grouping分組 of men男人
297
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5599
接受每天都有相當
一大群男人和我一樣,
15:52
who have been sexually violent暴力
toward their partners夥伴.
298
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2682
曾經對他們的伴侶有過性暴力行為。
15:56
Don't underestimate低估 the power功率 of words.
299
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2409
不要低估了言語的力量。
16:00
Saying to ThordisThordis that I raped強姦 her
changed my accord符合 with myself,
300
948372
4641
我對索爾蒂絲說我強暴了她,
這麼做改變了我和我自己的和諧,
16:05
as well as with her.
301
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1260
以及我和她的和諧。
16:07
But most importantly重要的,
302
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1472
但最重要的是,
16:09
the blame transferred轉入 from ThordisThordis to me.
303
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3076
責備從索爾蒂絲身上轉移到我身上。
16:13
Far too often經常,
304
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1151
太常見的狀況是,
16:14
the responsibility責任 is attributed由於
to female survivors倖存者 of sexual有性 violence暴力,
305
962506
4584
責任會被歸給
性暴力下的女性倖存者,
而非進行性暴力的男性。
16:19
and not to the males男性 who enact制定 it.
306
967114
2511
16:22
Far too often經常,
307
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1150
太常見的狀況是,
16:23
the denial否認 and running賽跑 leaves樹葉 all parties派對
at a great distance距離 from the truth真相.
308
971910
5082
否認跟逃走,會讓各方都遠離真相。
16:30
There's definitely無疑 a public上市
conversation會話 happening事件 now,
309
978984
2780
現在肯定有一場公開的
對話正在進行中,
16:34
and like a lot of people,
310
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2179
和很多人一樣,
16:36
we're heartened歡欣鼓舞
that there's less retreating撤退
311
984574
2590
如果能知道逃避困難的狀況
16:39
from this difficult
but important重要 discussion討論.
312
987188
2720
漸被重要的討論取代,
我們會很高興。
16:43
I feel a real真實 responsibility責任
to add our voices聲音 to it.
313
991028
3638
我覺得我有責任要把
我們的聲音也加上去。
16:50
TETE: What we did is not a formula
that we're prescribing處方 for others其他.
314
998072
4659
索:我們在做的並不是
開處方籤給其他人。
16:55
Nobody沒有人 has the right to tell anyone任何人 else其他
how to handle處理 their deepest最深 pain疼痛
315
1003182
5533
沒有人有權利告訴別人
怎麼處理他們最深的傷痛
17:00
or their greatest最大 error錯誤.
316
1008739
1745
或這他們最大的錯誤。
17:03
Breaking打破 your silence安靜 is never easy簡單,
317
1011336
2351
打破你的沈默從來就不是易事,
17:05
and depending根據 on where
you are in the world世界,
318
1013711
2214
看你身在世界的何處,
17:07
it can even be deadly致命
to speak說話 out about rape強姦.
319
1015949
3212
在某些地方,連說出強暴
都可能是致命的。
17:12
I realize實現 that even the most
traumatic創傷 event事件 of my life
320
1020088
4066
我了解到,即使是我人生中
最創傷性的事件,
17:16
is still a testament遺囑 to my privilege特權,
321
1024178
2759
仍舊證明了我的特權,
17:18
because I can talk about it
without getting得到 ostracized排斥,
322
1026961
3230
因為我可以談這件事,
卻不用擔心被放逐
17:22
or even killed殺害.
323
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1348
或甚至被殺害。
17:24
But with that privilege特權 of having a voice語音
324
1032293
2929
但有發聲的特權,
17:27
comes the responsibility責任 of using運用 it.
325
1035246
2858
也就表示有使用這項特權的責任。
17:30
That's the least最小 I owe
my fellow同伴 survivors倖存者 who can't.
326
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4530
這至少也是我欠其他
無法發聲的性侵倖存者的。
17:36
The story故事 we've我們已經 just relayed中繼 is unique獨特,
327
1044841
3066
我們剛剛講的故事是獨一無二的,
17:39
and yet然而 it is so common共同 with sexual有性
violence暴力 being存在 a global全球 pandemic流感大流行.
328
1047931
4666
然而,在性暴力全球普遍的情況下,
這故事卻又是如此常見。
17:44
But it doesn't have to be that way.
329
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2405
但其實並非別無他法。
17:47
One of the things that I found發現 useful有用
on my own擁有 healing復原 journey旅程
330
1055741
3016
在我自己的療癒旅程中,
我發現一些有用的方式,
17:50
is educating教育 myself about sexual有性 violence暴力.
331
1058781
2648
其一就是提供性暴力的教育給我自己。
17:53
And as a result結果,
I've been reading, writing寫作
332
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2414
結果是,我已經針對這個議題,
17:55
and speaking請講 about this issue問題
for over a decade now,
333
1063891
2653
持續相關的閱讀、寫作、
談論,超過十年之久。
17:58
going to conferences會議 around the world世界.
334
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2552
到世界各地參加會議。
18:01
And in my experience經驗,
335
1069144
1979
根據我的經驗,
18:03
the attendees與會者 of such這樣 events事件
are almost幾乎 exclusively women婦女.
336
1071147
4631
這類活動的與會者絕大多數是女性。
18:09
But it's about time that we stop treating治療
sexual有性 violence暴力 as a women's女士的 issue問題.
337
1077013
6616
但,該是停止把性暴力
當作女性議題來看待的時候了。
18:15
(Applause掌聲)
338
1083653
5447
(掌聲)
18:29
A majority多數 of sexual有性 violence暴力
against反對 women婦女 and men男人
339
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4044
大部分針對女性及男性
所犯下的性暴力,
18:33
is perpetrated犯下 by men男人.
340
1101137
1883
都是由男性犯下的。
18:35
And yet然而 their voices聲音 are sorely非常
underrepresented代表性不足 in this discussion討論.
341
1103044
4408
然而,在這類討論中,
卻十分缺乏他們的聲音。
18:40
But all of us are needed需要 here.
342
1108842
3901
但,這需要我們所有人的參與。
18:45
Just imagine想像 all the suffering痛苦
we could alleviate緩和
343
1113744
3885
想像一下,如果我們敢
一起面對這個議題,
18:49
if we dared to face面對 this issue問題 together一起.
344
1117653
3934
將能緩解多少痛苦。
18:54
Thank you.
345
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1158
謝謝。
18:56
(Applause掌聲)
346
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4267
(掌聲)
Translated by Lilian Chiu
Reviewed by DAISI CHEN

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ABOUT THE SPEAKERS
Thordis Elva - Writer
Thordis Elva is one of the two authors of "South of Forgiveness," a unique collaboration between a survivor and perpetrator of rape.

Why you should listen

Thordis Elva is a firm believer in the healing potential of dialogue when it comes to ending the silence that shrouds sexual violence. In 2015, she was voted Woman of the Year in her native Iceland due to her tireless campaigning for gender equality.

As an award-winning writer, journalist and public speaker, Elva has utilized many different platforms for her activism, including plays, films and books. Her passion for equality extends to the internet, and she has toured extensively giving lectures about online bullying, non-consensual pornography and digital human rights to audiences such as the United Nations and the Nordic Council of Ministers.

Read a Q&A with Elva about her TED Talk on the TED Blog

More profile about the speaker
Thordis Elva | Speaker | TED.com
Tom Stranger - Co-author, landscape gardener
Tom Stranger is the co-author "South of Forgiveness."

Why you should listen

Social sciences and the outdoors have been both professional directions and personal themes for Tom Stranger. After studying social science and working in outdoor recreation, Tom Stranger's focus shifted towards working with young people with complex needs -- mental health challenges, substance addiction, homelessness and neurological impairment. His time working with young people has taught him the immense value of listening with intent.

Stranger has recently completed and thoroughly enjoyed a Master of Cultural Studies at the University of Sydney, and he has returned to work in the outdoors as a landscaper. During his studies, he was involved as a co-author in the writing of South of Forgiveness. He and the book's primary author, Thordis Elva, share the hope that in speaking up they will add their voices to the ever-growing public discourse around relations of gender and sexual violence.

Read a Q&A with Stranger about his TED Talk on the TED Blog.

More profile about the speaker
Tom Stranger | Speaker | TED.com