TEDWomen 2016
Thordis Elva and Tom Stranger: Our story of rape and reconciliation
Thordis Elva, Tom Stranger: La nostra història de violació i reconciliació
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El 1996, Thordis Elva va compartir un romanç adolescent amb en Tom Stranger, un estudiant d'intercanvi d'Austràlia. Després d'un ball escolar, en Tom va violar a la Thordis, i no es van tornar a veure durant molts anys. En aquesta xerrada extraordinària, Elva i Stranger ens guien en la seva cronologia de vergonya i silenci, i ens conviden a discutir l'omnipresència global d'aquest problema de violència sexual d'una manera nova i honesta. Si teniu alguna pregunta per als conferenciants, visiteu go.ted.com/thordisandtom.
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
[Conté llenguatge explícit
i descripcions de violència sexual.
i descripcions de violència sexual.
00:12
[This talk contains graphic language
and descriptions of sexual violence
and descriptions of sexual violence
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S'aconsella la discreció de l'espectador]
00:15
Viewer discretion is advised]
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00:16
Tom Stranger: In 1996,
when I was 18 years old,
when I was 18 years old,
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Tom Stranger: El 1996,
quan tenia 18 anys,
quan tenia 18 anys,
00:19
I had the golden opportunity to go
on an international exchange program.
on an international exchange program.
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vaig tenir l'oportunitat de formar part
d'un programa d'intercanvi internacional
d'un programa d'intercanvi internacional
00:24
Ironically I'm an Australian
who prefers proper icy cold weather,
who prefers proper icy cold weather,
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Irònicament soc un australià
que prefereix un clima fred
que prefereix un clima fred
00:27
so I was both excited and tearful
when I got on a plane to Iceland,
when I got on a plane to Iceland,
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així que estava emocionat i trist
quan vaig pujar a l'avió cap a Islàndia,
quan vaig pujar a l'avió cap a Islàndia,
00:32
after just having farewelled
my parents and brothers goodbye.
my parents and brothers goodbye.
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després d'haver dit adéu
als meus pares i germans.
als meus pares i germans.
00:36
I was welcomed into the home
of a beautiful Icelandic family
of a beautiful Icelandic family
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Vaig ser acollit a casa d'una
família islandesa molt amable
família islandesa molt amable
00:39
who took me hiking,
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que em va portar a fer excursionisme,
00:41
and helped me get a grasp
of the melodic Icelandic language.
of the melodic Icelandic language.
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i em va ajudar a entendre
la llengua islandesa.
la llengua islandesa.
00:45
I struggled a bit with the initial
period of homesickness.
period of homesickness.
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Em va costar una mica superar
el període inicial d'enyorança.
el període inicial d'enyorança.
00:48
I snowboarded after school,
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Feia snowboard després de classe
00:50
and I slept a lot.
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i dormia molt.
00:52
Two hours of chemistry class in a language
that you don't yet fully understand
that you don't yet fully understand
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Dues hores de classe de química
en una llengua que no comprens massa
en una llengua que no comprens massa
00:56
can be a pretty good sedative.
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poden ser un bon sedant.
00:58
(Laughter)
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(Riure)
01:00
My teacher recommended
I try out for the school play,
I try out for the school play,
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El professor em va recomanar
l'obra de teatre de l'escola,
l'obra de teatre de l'escola,
01:03
just to get me a bit more socially active.
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perquè fos socialment més actiu.
01:06
It turns out I didn't end up
being part of the play,
being part of the play,
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Resulta que al final
no vaig participar a l'obra,
no vaig participar a l'obra,
01:08
but through it I met Thordis.
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però em va dur a conèixer la Thordis.
01:11
We shared a lovely teenage romance,
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Vam compartir un romanç adolescent;
01:13
and we'd meet at lunchtimes
to just hold hands
to just hold hands
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ens trobàvem a l'hora de dinar
només per donar-nos la mà
només per donar-nos la mà
01:16
and walk around old downtown Reykjavík.
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i passejar pel centre de Reykjavík.
01:18
I met her welcoming family,
and she met my friends.
and she met my friends.
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Vaig conèixer la seva família,
i ella va conèixer els meus amics.
i ella va conèixer els meus amics.
01:22
We'd been in a budding relationship
for a bit over a month
for a bit over a month
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La nostra relació havia durat
una mica més d'un mes
una mica més d'un mes
01:25
when our school's Christmas Ball was held.
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quan va arribar
el Ball de Nadal de l'escola.
el Ball de Nadal de l'escola.
01:30
Thordis Elva: I was 16
and in love for the first time.
and in love for the first time.
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Thordis Elva: Tenia 16 anys
quan em vaig enamorar per primer cop
quan em vaig enamorar per primer cop
01:33
Going together to the Christmas dance
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Anar junts al Ball de Nadal
01:35
was a public confirmation
of our relationship,
of our relationship,
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era una confirmació pública
de la nostra relació,
de la nostra relació,
01:38
and I felt like the luckiest
girl in the world.
girl in the world.
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i em vaig sentir
la noia més afortunada del món.
la noia més afortunada del món.
01:41
No longer a child, but a young woman.
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Deixava de ser una nena,
per començar a ser una dona.
per començar a ser una dona.
01:44
High on my newfound maturity,
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Emocionada per aquesta maduresa,
01:46
I felt it was only natural to try drinking
rum for the first time that night, too.
rum for the first time that night, too.
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em va semblar lògic provar
el rom per primer cop aquella nit.
el rom per primer cop aquella nit.
01:51
That was a bad idea.
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Va ser una mala idea.
01:53
I became very ill,
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Em vaig trobar molt malament,
01:55
drifting in and out of consciousness
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entrant i sortint de la inconsciència
01:56
in between spasms of convulsive vomiting.
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entre espasmes i vòmits compulsius.
02:00
The security guards wanted
to call me an ambulance,
to call me an ambulance,
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Els guardes de seguretat
volien trucar una ambulància,
volien trucar una ambulància,
02:03
but Tom acted as my knight
in shining armor,
in shining armor,
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però en Tom va actuar
com el meu cavaller salvador,
com el meu cavaller salvador,
02:06
and told them he'd take me home.
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i va dir que em portaria a casa.
02:08
It was like a fairy tale,
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Com en un conte de fades,
02:10
his strong arms around me,
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rodejada pels seus braços,
02:12
laying me in the safety of my bed.
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que em van dipositar dolçament
al meu llit.
al meu llit.
02:15
But the gratitude that I felt
towards him soon turned to horror
towards him soon turned to horror
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Però la meva gratitud
aviat es va tornar en horror
aviat es va tornar en horror
02:20
as he proceeded to take off my clothes
and get on top of me.
and get on top of me.
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quan va començar a treure'm la roba
i a posar-se a sobre meu.
i a posar-se a sobre meu.
02:25
My head had cleared up,
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Se m'havia aclarit el cap,
02:26
but my body was still
too weak to fight back,
too weak to fight back,
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però el meu cos encara
estava massa dèbil per lluitar,
estava massa dèbil per lluitar,
02:29
and the pain was blinding.
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i el dolor era horrorós.
02:32
I thought I'd be severed in two.
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Pensava que em partiria en dos.
02:35
In order to stay sane,
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Per no tornar-me boja,
02:37
I silently counted the seconds
on my alarm clock.
on my alarm clock.
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vaig comptar en silenci els segons
del meu despertador.
del meu despertador.
02:41
And ever since that night,
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I des d'aquella nit,
02:43
I've known that there are 7,200
seconds in two hours.
seconds in two hours.
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sé que hi ha 7.200 segons
en dues hores.
en dues hores.
02:51
Despite limping for days
and crying for weeks,
and crying for weeks,
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Tot i coixejar durant dies
i plorar durant setmanes,
i plorar durant setmanes,
02:54
this incident didn't fit my ideas
about rape like I'd seen on TV.
about rape like I'd seen on TV.
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l'incident no coincidia amb la idea
de violació que havia vist a la tele.
de violació que havia vist a la tele.
02:59
Tom wasn't an armed lunatic;
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En Tom no era un llunàtic amb un arma;
03:01
he was my boyfriend.
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era la meva parella.
03:03
And it didn't happen in a seedy alleyway,
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I no va passar en un carreró de mala mort,
03:05
it happened in my own bed.
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va passar al meu propi llit.
03:08
By the time I could identify
what had happened to me as rape,
what had happened to me as rape,
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Quan vaig poder identificar
el que m'havia passat com a violació,
el que m'havia passat com a violació,
03:12
he had completed his exchange program
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ell havia completat l'intercanvi
03:14
and left for Australia.
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i havia tornat a Austràlia.
03:16
So I told myself it was pointless
to address what had happened.
to address what had happened.
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Em vaig dir que no tenia sentit
parlar del que havia passat.
parlar del que havia passat.
03:20
And besides,
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A més a més,
03:21
it had to have been my fault, somehow.
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d'alguna manera, havia de ser culpa meva.
03:24
I was raised in a world
where girls are taught
where girls are taught
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He crescut en un món
on s'ensenya a les noies
on s'ensenya a les noies
03:27
that they get raped for a reason.
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que les violen per algun motiu.
03:29
Their skirt was too short,
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Faldilles massa curtes,
03:32
their smile was too wide,
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somriures massa amplis,
03:34
their breath smelled of alcohol.
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L'alè que put a alcohol.
03:38
And I was guilty of all of those things,
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I jo era culpable de tot això,
03:40
so the shame had to be mine.
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així que la culpa havia de ser meva.
03:43
It took me years to realize
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Vaig trigar anys a adonar-me
03:45
that only one thing could have stopped me
from being raped that night,
from being raped that night,
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que l'únic que podria haver impedit
que fos violada aquella nit,
que fos violada aquella nit,
03:49
and it wasn't my skirt,
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no era la meva faldilla,
03:51
it wasn't my smile,
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no era el meu somriure,
03:53
it wasn't my childish trust.
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no era la meva innocència.
03:55
The only thing that could've stopped me
from being raped that night
from being raped that night
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L'únic que podria haver impedit
que fos violada aquella nit
que fos violada aquella nit
03:59
is the man who raped me --
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era l'home que em va violar --
04:01
had he stopped himself.
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si s'hagués aturat.
04:04
TS: I have vague memories of the next day:
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TS: No recordo molt bé el dia següent:
04:07
the after effects of drinking,
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la ressaca,
04:10
a certain hollowness
that I tried to stifle.
that I tried to stifle.
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un cert buit que vaig tractar d'ofegar.
04:13
Nothing more.
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Res més.
04:15
But I didn't show up at Thordis's door.
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Però no vaig anar a casa de la Thordis.
04:19
It is important to now state
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És important remarcar
04:21
that I didn't see my deed for what it was.
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que no veia les meves accions
pel que eren.
pel que eren.
04:24
The word "rape" didn't echo
around my mind as it should've,
around my mind as it should've,
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La paraula "violació" no em ressonava
al cap com hauria d'haver fet,
al cap com hauria d'haver fet,
04:28
and I wasn't crucifying myself
with memories of the night before.
with memories of the night before.
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i no em vaig martiritzar
amb els records de la nit anterior.
amb els records de la nit anterior.
04:33
It wasn't so much a conscious refusal,
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No era tant un rebuig conscient,
04:35
it was more like any acknowledgment
of reality was forbidden.
of reality was forbidden.
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com una prohibició
de reconèixer la realitat.
de reconèixer la realitat.
04:40
My definition of my actions completely
refuted any recognition
refuted any recognition
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La definició de les meves accions
refutava completament reconèixer
refutava completament reconèixer
04:44
of the immense trauma I caused Thordis.
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l'immens trauma
que vaig causar a la Thordis.
que vaig causar a la Thordis.
04:48
To be honest,
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Per ser sincer,
04:49
I repudiated the entire act
in the days afterwards
in the days afterwards
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vaig repudiar les meves accions
els dies següents
els dies següents
04:54
and when I was committing it.
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i quan les vaig cometre.
04:57
I disavowed the truth by convincing
myself it was sex and not rape.
myself it was sex and not rape.
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Vaig rebutjar la veritat convencent-me
que va ser sexe i no violació.
que va ser sexe i no violació.
05:02
And this is a lie I've felt
spine-bending guilt for.
spine-bending guilt for.
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Una mentida que m'ha causat
un dolor insuportable.
un dolor insuportable.
05:08
I broke up with Thordis
a couple of days later,
a couple of days later,
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Vaig trencar amb ella
uns dies després,
uns dies després,
05:10
and then saw her a number of times
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la vaig veure diverses vegades
durant la resta de la meva
estada a Islàndia,
estada a Islàndia,
05:12
during the remainder
of my year in Iceland,
of my year in Iceland,
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05:14
feeling a sharp stab
of heavyheartedness each time.
of heavyheartedness each time.
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sentint una punyalada de
remordiment cada vegada.
remordiment cada vegada.
05:18
Deep down, I knew I'd done
something immeasurably wrong.
something immeasurably wrong.
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En el fons, sabia que havia fet
una cosa immesurablement horrible.
una cosa immesurablement horrible.
05:23
But without planning it,
I sunk the memories deep,
I sunk the memories deep,
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Però sense planejar-ho,
vaig cavar una gran fossa
vaig cavar una gran fossa
05:26
and then I tied a rock to them.
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on vaig enterrar aquests records.
05:30
What followed is a nine-year period
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Va seguir un període de 9 anys
05:31
that can best be titled
as "Denial and Running."
as "Denial and Running."
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que es pot descriure com a
"Negació i Fugida".
"Negació i Fugida".
05:36
When I got a chance to identify
the real torment that I caused,
the real torment that I caused,
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Quan tenia l'oportunitat
d'identificar el turment que havia causat,
d'identificar el turment que havia causat,
05:40
I didn't stand still long enough to do so.
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no em quedava quiet per reflexionar.
05:44
Whether it be via distraction,
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Ja fos a través de distraccions,
05:46
substance use,
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consum de substàncies,
05:47
thrill-seeking
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recerca d'emocions
05:49
or the scrupulous policing
of my inner speak,
of my inner speak,
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o una vigilància escrupolosa
del que deia el meu interior,
del que deia el meu interior,
05:52
I refused to be static and silent.
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em vaig negar a quedar-me quiet i callat.
05:56
And with this noise,
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I amb aquest soroll,
05:58
I also drew heavily
upon other parts of my life
upon other parts of my life
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em vaig inspirar en altres parts
de la meva vida
de la meva vida
06:01
to construct a picture of who I was.
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per a construir una imatge de qui era.
06:04
I was a surfer,
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Era un surfista,
06:05
a social science student,
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un estudiant de ciències socials,
06:07
a friend to good people,
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amic de bona gent,
06:09
a loved brother and son,
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un germà i fill estimat,
06:12
an outdoor recreation guide,
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guia d'activitats a l'aire lliure,
06:13
and eventually, a youth worker.
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i amb el temps,
treballador social amb joves.
treballador social amb joves.
06:16
I gripped tight to the simple notion
that I wasn't a bad person.
that I wasn't a bad person.
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M'aferrava al fet
que no era mala persona.
que no era mala persona.
06:21
I didn't think I had this in my bones.
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No creia que ho tingués a dins.
06:24
I thought I was made up of something else.
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Creia que estava fet d'una altra cosa.
06:26
In my nurtured upbringing,
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Com m'havien criat,
06:28
my loving extended family and role models,
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la meva estimada família
i models a seguir,
i models a seguir,
06:31
people close to me were warm and genuine
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les persones properes a mi
06:33
in their respect shown towards women.
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eren respectuoses amb les dones.
06:36
It took me a long time to stare down
this dark corner of myself,
this dark corner of myself,
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Vaig trigar molt a poder mirar
aquest racó fosc de mi mateix,
aquest racó fosc de mi mateix,
06:41
and to ask it questions.
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i preguntar-li coses.
06:46
TE: Nine years after the Christmas dance,
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TE: Nou anys després del ball de Nadal,
06:48
I was 25 years old,
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tenia 25 anys,
06:49
and headed straight
for a nervous breakdown.
for a nervous breakdown.
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i anava directa a una crisi nerviosa.
06:53
My self-worth was buried
under a soul-crushing load of silence
under a soul-crushing load of silence
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La meva autoestima havia estat
enterrada sota un silenci profund
enterrada sota un silenci profund
06:56
that isolated me from everyone
that I cared about,
that I cared about,
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que m'aïllava de les persones
que m'importaven,
que m'importaven,
07:00
and I was consumed
with misplaced hatred and anger
with misplaced hatred and anger
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i em comsumia l'odi i la ira
07:02
that I took out on myself.
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que dirigia cap a mi mateixa.
07:05
One day, I stormed out
of the door in tears
of the door in tears
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Un dia, vaig sortir corrent, plorant,
després d'una baralla amb un
ésser estimat,
ésser estimat,
07:08
after a fight with a loved one,
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07:10
and I wandered into a café,
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i vaig entrar en una cafeteria,
07:11
where I asked the waitress for a pen.
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on vaig demanar un bolígraf
a la cambrera.
a la cambrera.
07:14
I always had a notebook with me,
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Sempre porto una llibreta a sobre,
07:16
claiming that it was to jot down ideas
in moments of inspiration,
in moments of inspiration,
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dic que es per apuntar idees
en moments d'inspiració,
en moments d'inspiració,
07:20
but the truth was that I needed
to be constantly fidgeting,
to be constantly fidgeting,
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però la veritat és que necessito
estar fent alguna cosa constantment,
estar fent alguna cosa constantment,
07:24
because in moments of stillness,
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perquè en moments de calma,
07:26
I found myself counting seconds again.
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em trobo comptant segons una altra vegada.
07:30
But that day, I watched in wonder
as the words streamed out of my pen,
as the words streamed out of my pen,
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Però aquell dia, em va sorprendre
com les paraules brollaven del bolígraf,
com les paraules brollaven del bolígraf,
07:35
forming the most pivotal letter
I've ever written,
I've ever written,
149
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3061
formant la carta més important
que havia escrit mai,
que havia escrit mai,
07:38
addressed to Tom.
150
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1534
dirigida a en Tom.
07:40
Along with an account of the violence
that he subjected me to,
that he subjected me to,
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3540
A més d'explicar la violència
a la que m'havia sotmès,
a la que m'havia sotmès,
07:43
the words, "I want to find forgiveness"
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les paraules "vull trobar perdó"
07:47
stared back at me,
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no deixaven de mirar-me,
07:48
surprising nobody more than myself.
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sorprenent-me a mi més que a ningú.
07:51
But deep down I realized that this
was my way out of my suffering,
was my way out of my suffering,
155
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Però en el fons sabia que era
l'única manera de deixar de patir,
l'única manera de deixar de patir,
07:56
because regardless of whether or not
he deserved my forgiveness,
he deserved my forgiveness,
156
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4037
perquè, independentment de si es
mereixia el meu perdó o no,
mereixia el meu perdó o no,
08:00
I deserved peace.
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2486
jo mereixia pau.
08:03
My era of shame was over.
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La meva era de vergonya s'havia acabat.
08:08
Before sending the letter,
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1499
Abans d'enviar la carta,
08:09
I prepared myself for all kinds
of negative responses,
of negative responses,
160
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2747
em vaig preparar per diferents
tipus de respostes negatives,
tipus de respostes negatives,
08:12
or what I found likeliest:
no response whatsoever.
no response whatsoever.
161
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o el més probable:
cap resposta.
cap resposta.
08:17
The only outcome
that I didn't prepare myself for
that I didn't prepare myself for
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L'única resposta per a la qual
no estava preparada
no estava preparada
08:19
was the one that I then got --
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2229
va ser la que vaig rebre --
08:22
a typed confession from Tom,
full of disarming regret.
full of disarming regret.
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una confessió d'en Tom,
plena de penediment.
plena de penediment.
08:27
As it turns out, he, too,
had been imprisoned by silence.
had been imprisoned by silence.
165
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4087
Resulta que ell també havia estat
empresonat pel silenci.
empresonat pel silenci.
08:32
And this marked the start
of an eight-year-long correspondence
of an eight-year-long correspondence
166
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I així va començar una correspondència
que va durar 8 anys,
que va durar 8 anys,
08:36
that God knows was never easy,
167
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2424
que sap Déu, no va ser mai fàcil,
08:38
but always honest.
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però sempre honesta.
08:41
I relieved myself of the burdens
that I'd wrongfully shouldered,
that I'd wrongfully shouldered,
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Em vaig alleujar la càrrega
que erròniament m'havia adjudicat,
que erròniament m'havia adjudicat,
08:45
and he, in turn, wholeheartedly
owned up to what he'd done.
owned up to what he'd done.
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i ell, alhora, va admetre
el que havia fet.
el que havia fet.
Aquests intercanvis es van convertir
en una plataforma
en una plataforma
08:49
Our written exchanges became a platform
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08:51
to dissect the consequences of that night,
172
519711
2717
per examinar les conseqüències
d'aquella nit,
d'aquella nit,
08:54
and they were everything
from gut-wrenching
from gut-wrenching
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i van ser de tot:
des de esfereïdores
des de esfereïdores
08:56
to healing beyond words.
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2554
fins a immensament reparadores.
08:59
And yet, it didn't bring about
closure for me.
closure for me.
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3936
Tot i així, jo no podia superar
el que havia passat.
el que havia passat.
09:04
Perhaps because the email format
didn't feel personal enough,
didn't feel personal enough,
176
532358
3482
Potser perquè el format d'email
no era suficientment personal,
no era suficientment personal,
09:07
perhaps because it's easy to be brave
177
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1911
potser perquè es més fàcil ser valent
09:09
when you're hiding behind a computer
screen on the other side of the planet.
screen on the other side of the planet.
178
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4108
quan t'amagues darrere d'un ordinador
a l'altra punta del món.
a l'altra punta del món.
09:13
But we'd begun a dialogue
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1786
Però havíem començat un diàleg
09:15
that I felt was necessary
to explore to its fullest.
to explore to its fullest.
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que sentia necessari explorar
al màxim.
al màxim.
09:20
So, after eight years of writing,
181
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2065
Així que, després de vuit anys escrivint,
09:22
and nearly 16 years after that dire night,
182
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i 16 anys després d'aquella terrible nit,
09:25
I mustered the courage
to propose a wild idea:
to propose a wild idea:
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3831
vaig reunir el coratge
per a proposar una idea:
per a proposar una idea:
09:29
that we'd meet up in person
184
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1660
que ens reuníssim en persona
09:31
and face our past once and for all.
185
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2831
i afrontéssim el passat d'una vegada.
09:37
TS: Iceland and Australia
are geographically like this.
are geographically like this.
186
565171
3193
TS: Islàndia i Austràlia estan
geogràficament així.
geogràficament així.
09:41
In the middle of the two is South Africa.
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2247
Enmig dels dos hi ha Sud-Àfrica.
09:44
We decided upon the city of Cape Town,
188
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2905
Vam decidir trobar-nos a Ciutat del Cap,
09:46
and there we met for one week.
189
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2044
on ens vam trobar durant una setmana.
09:50
The city itself proved to be
a stunningly powerful environment
a stunningly powerful environment
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3470
La ciutat en si va resultar ser
un context molt potent
un context molt potent
09:53
to focus on reconciliation
and forgiveness.
and forgiveness.
191
581920
2884
per centrar-nos en la reconciliació
i el perdó.
i el perdó.
09:57
Nowhere else has healing
and rapprochement been tested
and rapprochement been tested
192
585847
2639
Enlloc més s'ha provat
la reparació i l'acostament
la reparació i l'acostament
10:00
like it has in South Africa.
193
588510
1634
com a Sud-Àfrica.
10:03
As a nation, South Africa sought
to sit within the truth of its past,
to sit within the truth of its past,
194
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3867
Com a nació, Sud-Àfrica va buscar
la veritat del seu passat,
la veritat del seu passat,
10:06
and to listen to the details
of its history.
of its history.
195
594927
2403
i va escoltar els detalls
de la seva història.
de la seva història.
10:10
Knowing this only magnified the effect
that Cape Town had on us.
that Cape Town had on us.
196
598819
3749
Sabent això es va intensificar l'efecte
de Ciutat del Cap en nosaltres.
de Ciutat del Cap en nosaltres.
10:16
Over the course of this week,
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1462
Durant aquesta setmana,
10:17
we literally spoke
our life stories to each other,
our life stories to each other,
198
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2890
ens vam explicar literalment
les nostres vides,
les nostres vides,
10:20
from start to finish.
199
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1590
de cap a cap.
10:23
And this was about analyzing
our own history.
our own history.
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Això ens va fer analitzar
les nostres històries.
les nostres històries.
10:27
We followed a strict policy
of being honest,
of being honest,
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2833
Vam seguir una política estricte
d'honestedat,
d'honestedat,
10:30
and this also came
with a certain exposure,
with a certain exposure,
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2925
i això va suposar
una certa exposició,
una certa exposició,
10:33
an open-chested vulnerability.
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1906
una vulnerabilitat desmesurada.
10:36
There were gutting confessions,
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624312
2127
Va haver-hi confessions colpidores,
10:38
and moments where we just
absolutely couldn't fathom
absolutely couldn't fathom
205
626463
2824
i moments en els quals
no podíem entendre
no podíem entendre
10:41
the other person's experience.
206
629311
1808
l'experiència de l'altra persona.
10:44
The seismic effects of sexual violence
were spoken aloud and felt,
were spoken aloud and felt,
207
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4894
Vam parlar dels efectes sísmics
de la violència sexual,
de la violència sexual,
10:49
face to face.
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1330
cara a cara.
10:51
At other times, though,
209
639979
1503
Tot i això, altres vegades
10:53
we found a soaring clarity,
210
641506
2634
vam trobar una profunda claredat,
10:57
and even some totally unexpected
but liberating laughter.
but liberating laughter.
211
645164
4400
i inclús un riure completament
inesperat però alliberador.
inesperat però alliberador.
11:03
When it came down to it,
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1530
Quan vam haver d'afrontar-ho,
11:04
we did out best to listen
to each other intently.
to each other intently.
213
652804
3628
vam fer el possible
per escoltar a l'altre.
per escoltar a l'altre.
11:09
And our individual realities
were aired with an unfiltered purity
were aired with an unfiltered purity
214
657404
5841
I les nostres realitats individuals
van ser alliberades amb una puresa
van ser alliberades amb una puresa
11:15
that couldn't do any less
than lighten the soul.
than lighten the soul.
215
663269
2376
que no podia fer res més
que alleugerir l'ànima.
que alleugerir l'ànima.
11:20
TE: Wanting to take revenge
is a very human emotion --
is a very human emotion --
216
668508
4045
TE: La necessitat de venjança
és una emoció molt humana --
és una emoció molt humana --
11:24
instinctual, even.
217
672577
1638
instintiva, inclús.
11:26
And all I wanted to do for years
218
674829
2011
L'únic que vaig voler durant anys
11:28
was to hurt Tom back as deeply
as he had hurt me.
as he had hurt me.
219
676864
3969
era fer tant de mal a en Tom
com ell m'havia fet a mi.
com ell m'havia fet a mi.
11:33
But had I not found a way
out of the hatred and anger,
out of the hatred and anger,
220
681658
3053
Però de no haver trobat una sortida
al meu odi i la meva ira,
al meu odi i la meva ira,
11:36
I'm not sure I'd be standing here today.
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2165
no estaria aquí avui.
11:40
That isn't to say that I didn't have
my doubts along the way.
my doubts along the way.
222
688058
3927
Això no vol dir que no tingués
els meus dubtes en el camí.
els meus dubtes en el camí.
11:44
When the plane bounced
on that landing strip in Cape Town,
on that landing strip in Cape Town,
223
692689
3661
Quan l'avió va aterrar
a Ciutat del Cap,
a Ciutat del Cap,
11:48
I remember thinking,
224
696374
1603
recordo haver pensat:
11:50
"Why did I not just get myself
a therapist and a bottle of vodka
a therapist and a bottle of vodka
225
698001
4206
"Per què no em vaig fer amb una
ampolla de vodka i un terapeuta
ampolla de vodka i un terapeuta
11:54
like a normal person would do?"
226
702231
2216
com la gent normal?"
11:56
(Laughter)
227
704471
2920
(Riure)
11:59
At times, our search
for understanding in Cape Town
for understanding in Cape Town
228
707415
3205
A vegades, la nostra
recerca de l'enteniment
recerca de l'enteniment
12:02
felt like an impossible quest,
229
710644
2167
semblava una missió impossible,
12:04
and all I wanted to do was to give up
230
712835
2099
i l'únic que volia fer era rendir-me
12:06
and go home to my loving
husband, Vidir,
husband, Vidir,
231
714958
2216
i tornar a casa
amb el meu estimat marit, Vidir,
amb el meu estimat marit, Vidir,
12:09
and our son.
232
717198
1211
i el nostre fill.
12:11
But despite our difficulties,
233
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2363
Però tot i les dificultats,
12:14
this journey did result
in a victorious feeling
in a victorious feeling
234
722381
4628
el viatge va resultar
en un sentiment de victòria
en un sentiment de victòria
12:19
that light had triumphed over darkness,
235
727033
3133
i la llum va triomfar sobre la foscor,
12:22
that something constructive
could be built out of the ruins.
could be built out of the ruins.
236
730812
4312
alguna cosa constructiva es podia
reconstruir de les ruïnes.
reconstruir de les ruïnes.
12:28
I read somewhere
237
736572
1325
He llegit en algun lloc
12:29
that you should try and be the person
that you needed when you were younger.
that you needed when you were younger.
238
737921
3861
que hauries de ser la persona
que necessitaves quan eres jove.
que necessitaves quan eres jove.
12:33
And back when I was a teenager,
239
741806
1584
I quan jo era adolescent,
12:35
I would have needed to know
that the shame wasn't mine,
that the shame wasn't mine,
240
743414
3848
hauria necessitat saber
que la culpa no va ser meva,
que la culpa no va ser meva,
12:39
that there's hope after rape,
241
747286
2514
que hi ha esperança després
de la violació,
de la violació,
12:41
that you can even find happiness,
242
749824
1595
que inclús pots trobar felicitat,
12:43
like I share with my husband today.
243
751443
1890
com la que comparteixo amb el meu marit.
12:45
Which is why I started writing feverishly
upon my return from Cape Town,
upon my return from Cape Town,
244
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4355
I per això vaig començar
a escriure com una boja a la tornada,
a escriure com una boja a la tornada,
12:50
resulting in a book co-authored by Tom,
245
758240
2724
i això va resultar en un llibre
co-escrit amb en Tom,
co-escrit amb en Tom,
12:52
that we hope can be of use
to people from both ends
to people from both ends
246
760988
3185
que esperem que pugui ser d'ajuda
a persones d'ambdós extrems
a persones d'ambdós extrems
12:56
of the perpetrator-survivor scale.
247
764197
2304
a l'escala supervivent-transgressor.
12:59
If nothing else,
248
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1454
Si més no,
13:00
it's a story that we would've needed
to hear when we were younger.
to hear when we were younger.
249
768658
4135
és una història que necessitàvem
haver sentit quan érem joves.
haver sentit quan érem joves.
Donada la naturalesa de la història,
13:06
Given the nature of our story,
250
774726
1821
13:08
I know the words
that inevitably accompany it --
that inevitably accompany it --
251
776571
2776
conec les paraules que, inevitablement,
l'acompanyen --
l'acompanyen --
13:11
victim, rapist --
252
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2556
víctima, violador --
les etiquetes són una manera
d'organitzar conceptes,
d'organitzar conceptes,
13:14
and labels are a way to organize concepts,
253
782513
2255
13:16
but they can also be dehumanizing
in their connotations.
in their connotations.
254
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4382
però també poden ser deshumanitzadores
donades les seves connotacions.
donades les seves connotacions.
13:21
Once someone's been deemed a victim,
255
789838
2100
Un cop categoritzes algú com a víctima,
13:23
it's that much easier to file them away
as someone damaged,
as someone damaged,
256
791962
5233
es més simple arxivar-los com
a algú malmès,
a algú malmès,
13:29
dishonored,
257
797219
1506
deshonrat,
13:30
less than.
258
798749
1275
menys que.
13:32
And likewise, once someone
has been branded a rapist,
has been branded a rapist,
259
800643
2720
Igualment, quan algú es
categoritzat com a violador,
categoritzat com a violador,
13:35
it's that much easier
to call him a monster --
to call him a monster --
260
803387
2546
és molt més fàcil
titllar-lo de monstre --
titllar-lo de monstre --
13:38
inhuman.
261
806576
1299
inhumà.
13:40
But how will we understand
what it is in human societies
what it is in human societies
262
808614
3031
Però, com podem entendre
què és el que produeix violència
què és el que produeix violència
13:43
that produces violence
263
811669
1581
a les societats humanes,
13:45
if we refuse to recognize
the humanity of those who commit it?
the humanity of those who commit it?
264
813274
4479
si ens neguem a reconèixer
l'humanitat d'aquells que la cometen?
l'humanitat d'aquells que la cometen?
13:50
And how --
265
818534
1164
I com --
13:51
(Applause)
266
819722
2179
(aplaudiments)
13:53
And how can we empower survivors
if we're making them feel less than?
if we're making them feel less than?
267
821925
5368
I com podem donar poder a les víctimes
si les fem sentir menys que?
si les fem sentir menys que?
14:00
How can we discuss solutions
to one of the biggest threats
to one of the biggest threats
268
828072
3427
Com poder trobar solucions
a una de les majors amenaces
a una de les majors amenaces
14:03
to the lives of women and children
around the world,
around the world,
269
831523
3274
a les vides de dones i nens
de tot el món,
de tot el món,
14:06
if the very words we use
are part of the problem?
are part of the problem?
270
834821
3823
si les pròpies paraules que
fem servir són part del problema?
fem servir són part del problema?
14:13
TS: From what I've now learnt,
271
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2492
TS: Pel que he après,
14:16
my actions that night in 1996
were a self-centered taking.
were a self-centered taking.
272
844302
4573
les meves accions la nit del 1996
van ser egoistes.
van ser egoistes.
14:22
I felt deserving of Thordis's body.
273
850028
2123
Em sentia mereixedor del seu cos.
14:25
I've had primarily positive
social influences
social influences
274
853743
2865
He tingut influències socials
principalment positives
principalment positives
14:28
and examples of equitable
behavior around me.
behavior around me.
275
856632
2541
i exemples de comportament
adequat al meu voltant.
adequat al meu voltant.
14:31
But on that occasion,
276
859830
1197
Però en aquella situació,
14:33
I chose to draw upon the negative ones.
277
861051
2104
em vaig fixar en els models negatius.
14:35
The ones that see women
as having less intrinsic worth,
as having less intrinsic worth,
278
863716
2896
Aquells que veuen a les dones
com a éssers inferiors,
com a éssers inferiors,
14:39
and of men having some unspoken
and symbolic claim to their bodies.
and symbolic claim to their bodies.
279
867687
4411
i dels homes que creuen tenir
el dret sobre els seus cossos.
el dret sobre els seus cossos.
14:45
These influences I speak of
are external to me, though.
are external to me, though.
280
873781
3009
Aquestes influències de les que parlo
són externes a mi.
són externes a mi.
14:49
And it was only me in that room
making choices,
making choices,
281
877582
2781
I aquella nit només era jo
prenent decisions,
prenent decisions,
14:52
nobody else.
282
880387
1228
ningú més.
14:54
When you own something
283
882969
1785
Quan afrontes aquest sentiment
14:56
and really square up to your culpability,
284
884778
2618
i reconeixes la culpabilitat
de les teves accions,
de les teves accions,
15:00
I do think a surprising thing can happen.
285
888259
2323
passa una cosa sorprenent.
15:03
It's what I call a paradox of ownership.
286
891249
2307
Jo en dic la paradoxa del reconeixement.
15:06
I thought I'd buckle
under the weight of responsibility.
under the weight of responsibility.
287
894989
2792
Creia que m'enterraria
el pes de la responsabilitat.
el pes de la responsabilitat.
15:10
I thought my certificate
of humanity would be burnt.
of humanity would be burnt.
288
898377
2883
Creia que el meu certificat
d'humanitat seria cremat.
d'humanitat seria cremat.
15:14
Instead, I was offered
to really own what I did,
to really own what I did,
289
902476
3746
En comptes, se'm va oferir
reconèixer el que havia fet,
reconèixer el que havia fet,
15:19
and found that it didn't possess
the entirety of who I am.
the entirety of who I am.
290
907148
3260
i vaig descobrir que això
no representava la totalitat de qui sóc.
no representava la totalitat de qui sóc.
15:23
Put simply,
291
911460
1361
En poques paraules,
15:24
something you've done doesn't have
to constitute the sum of who you are.
to constitute the sum of who you are.
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el que has fet no constitueix
la suma de qui ets.
la suma de qui ets.
15:30
The noise in my head abated.
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El soroll al meu cap es va amainar.
15:32
The indulgent self-pity
was starved of oxygen,
was starved of oxygen,
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La indulgent autocompassió
va ser privada d'oxigen,
va ser privada d'oxigen,
15:37
and it was replaced
with the clean air of acceptance --
with the clean air of acceptance --
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925003
4473
i substituïda per l'aire pur
de l'acceptació --
de l'acceptació --
15:42
an acceptance that I did hurt
this wonderful person standing next to me;
this wonderful person standing next to me;
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l'acceptació d'haver fet mal
a aquesta persona meravellosa;
a aquesta persona meravellosa;
15:46
an acceptance that I am part of a large
and shockingly everyday grouping of men
and shockingly everyday grouping of men
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5599
l'acceptació de que formo part d'un grup
gran i sorprenentment normal d'homes
gran i sorprenentment normal d'homes
15:52
who have been sexually violent
toward their partners.
toward their partners.
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2682
que han sigut sexualment violents
amb la seva parella.
amb la seva parella.
15:56
Don't underestimate the power of words.
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No subestimeu el poder de les paraules.
16:00
Saying to Thordis that I raped her
changed my accord with myself,
changed my accord with myself,
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4641
Dir-li a la Thordis que l'havia violat
va canviar com em veia a mi mateix,
va canviar com em veia a mi mateix,
16:05
as well as with her.
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i com la veia a ella.
16:07
But most importantly,
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1472
Però el més important és
16:09
the blame transferred from Thordis to me.
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3076
que la culpa es va transferir
de la Thordis a mi.
de la Thordis a mi.
16:13
Far too often,
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1151
Massa vegades,
16:14
the responsibility is attributed
to female survivors of sexual violence,
to female survivors of sexual violence,
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4584
la culpa s'atribueix a la supervivent
de la violència sexual,
de la violència sexual,
16:19
and not to the males who enact it.
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2511
i no a l'home que la comet.
16:22
Far too often,
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1150
Massa vegades,
16:23
the denial and running leaves all parties
at a great distance from the truth.
at a great distance from the truth.
308
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5082
negar-ho i fugir ens allunya
de la veritat.
de la veritat.
16:30
There's definitely a public
conversation happening now,
conversation happening now,
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2780
Ara mateix hi ha una conversa pública,
16:34
and like a lot of people,
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2179
i com molta gent,
16:36
we're heartened
that there's less retreating
that there's less retreating
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2590
ens anima veure que menys
gent es fa enrere
gent es fa enrere
16:39
from this difficult
but important discussion.
but important discussion.
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2720
d'aquesta difícil
però important discussió.
però important discussió.
16:43
I feel a real responsibility
to add our voices to it.
to add our voices to it.
313
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3638
Sento una gran responsabilitat
d'afegir-hi les nostres veus.
d'afegir-hi les nostres veus.
16:50
TE: What we did is not a formula
that we're prescribing for others.
that we're prescribing for others.
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998072
4659
TE: El que hem fet no és una fórmula
que prescrivim als demés.
que prescrivim als demés.
16:55
Nobody has the right to tell anyone else
how to handle their deepest pain
how to handle their deepest pain
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5533
Ningú te dret a dir-te
com has de gestionar el teu propi dolor
com has de gestionar el teu propi dolor
17:00
or their greatest error.
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1745
o els teus propis errors.
17:03
Breaking your silence is never easy,
317
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2351
Trencar el silenci mai és fàcil,
17:05
and depending on where
you are in the world,
you are in the world,
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2214
i depenent d'on et trobis al món,
17:07
it can even be deadly
to speak out about rape.
to speak out about rape.
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3212
pot ser inclús mortal
parlar sobre violació.
parlar sobre violació.
17:12
I realize that even the most
traumatic event of my life
traumatic event of my life
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4066
Me n'adono que, inclús la part
més traumàtica de la meva vida,
més traumàtica de la meva vida,
17:16
is still a testament to my privilege,
321
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2759
és un exemple del meu privilegi,
17:18
because I can talk about it
without getting ostracized,
without getting ostracized,
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3230
perquè puc parlar sobre això
sense ser condemnada,
sense ser condemnada,
17:22
or even killed.
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1348
o inclús assassinada.
17:24
But with that privilege of having a voice
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2929
Però amb aquest privilegi
de tenir veu,
de tenir veu,
17:27
comes the responsibility of using it.
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2858
ve la responsabilitat de fer-la servir.
17:30
That's the least I owe
my fellow survivors who can't.
my fellow survivors who can't.
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4530
És el mínim que puc fer
pels supervivents que no poden.
pels supervivents que no poden.
17:36
The story we've just relayed is unique,
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3066
La història que us hem explicat és única,
17:39
and yet it is so common with sexual
violence being a global pandemic.
violence being a global pandemic.
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4666
i alhora comuna, la violència sexual
és una pandèmia global.
és una pandèmia global.
17:44
But it doesn't have to be that way.
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2405
Però no ha de ser així.
17:47
One of the things that I found useful
on my own healing journey
on my own healing journey
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3016
Una cosa que he trobat útil
en el meu propi viatge emocional
en el meu propi viatge emocional
17:50
is educating myself about sexual violence.
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2648
és informar-me sobre la violència sexual.
17:53
And as a result,
I've been reading, writing
I've been reading, writing
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2414
Per tant, he estat llegint, escrivint
17:55
and speaking about this issue
for over a decade now,
for over a decade now,
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2653
i parlant sobre aquest problema
durant més d'una dècada,
durant més d'una dècada,
17:58
going to conferences around the world.
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2552
anant a conferències arreu del món.
18:01
And in my experience,
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1979
I en la meva experiència,
18:03
the attendees of such events
are almost exclusively women.
are almost exclusively women.
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4631
els assistents són
quasi exclusivament dones.
quasi exclusivament dones.
18:09
But it's about time that we stop treating
sexual violence as a women's issue.
sexual violence as a women's issue.
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6616
Ja toca deixar de tractar la violència
sexual com un problema de dones.
sexual com un problema de dones.
18:15
(Applause)
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5447
(Aplaudiments)
18:29
A majority of sexual violence
against women and men
against women and men
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4044
La majoria de violència sexual
contra homes i dones
contra homes i dones
18:33
is perpetrated by men.
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1883
és causada per homes.
18:35
And yet their voices are sorely
underrepresented in this discussion.
underrepresented in this discussion.
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4408
Però les seves veus són insuficientment
representades en aquesta discussió.
representades en aquesta discussió.
18:40
But all of us are needed here.
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3901
Tots nosaltres som necessaris aquí.
18:45
Just imagine all the suffering
we could alleviate
we could alleviate
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Imagineu tot el patiment
que podríem evitar
que podríem evitar
18:49
if we dared to face this issue together.
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3934
si ens atrevíssim a afrontar aquest
problema junts.
problema junts.
18:54
Thank you.
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Gràcies.
18:56
(Applause)
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(Aplaudiments)
ABOUT THE SPEAKERS
Thordis Elva - WriterThordis Elva is one of the two authors of "South of Forgiveness," a unique collaboration between a survivor and perpetrator of rape.
Why you should listen
Thordis Elva is a firm believer in the healing potential of dialogue when it comes to ending the silence that shrouds sexual violence. In 2015, she was voted Woman of the Year in her native Iceland due to her tireless campaigning for gender equality.
As an award-winning writer, journalist and public speaker, Elva has utilized many different platforms for her activism, including plays, films and books. Her passion for equality extends to the internet, and she has toured extensively giving lectures about online bullying, non-consensual pornography and digital human rights to audiences such as the United Nations and the Nordic Council of Ministers.
Read a Q&A with Elva about her TED Talk on the TED Blog.
Thordis Elva | Speaker | TED.com
Tom Stranger - Co-author, landscape gardener
Tom Stranger is the co-author "South of Forgiveness."
Why you should listen
Social sciences and the outdoors have been both professional directions and personal themes for Tom Stranger. After studying social science and working in outdoor recreation, Tom Stranger's focus shifted towards working with young people with complex needs -- mental health challenges, substance addiction, homelessness and neurological impairment. His time working with young people has taught him the immense value of listening with intent.
Stranger has recently completed and thoroughly enjoyed a Master of Cultural Studies at the University of Sydney, and he has returned to work in the outdoors as a landscaper. During his studies, he was involved as a co-author in the writing of South of Forgiveness. He and the book's primary author, Thordis Elva, share the hope that in speaking up they will add their voices to the ever-growing public discourse around relations of gender and sexual violence.
Read a Q&A with Stranger about his TED Talk on the TED Blog.
Tom Stranger | Speaker | TED.com