ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.

Why you should listen

Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK. 

He lives in London with his full body pillow.

More profile about the speaker
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com
TEDGlobal>Geneva

James Veitch: This is what happens when you reply to spam email

James Veitch: 當你覆垃圾電郵時會發生嘅事

Filmed:
55,851,315 views

可疑嘅電郵包括:冇人認領嘅保險債券、鑲鑽嘅保險箱、好友喺外國被綁架。通常如果呢啲郵件出現喺我哋嘅收件匣,我哋會即刻刪除佢,但如果我哋覆佢哋呢?聽下作家兼喜劇演員 James Veitch 分享佢同騙徒持續幾星期、傾一筆有可觀收入嘅搞笑故事。
- Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:12
A few幾個 years ago,
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幾年前,我收到一封垃圾電郵
00:13
I got one of those spam垃圾郵件 emails電子郵件.
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00:17
And it managed管理
to get through透過 my spam垃圾郵件 filter濾波器.
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佢過到個垃圾郵件過濾
00:19
I'm not quite都幾 sure how,
but it turned打開 up in my inbox收件匣,
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我唔係好知點解
總之就出現喺我收件匣
00:22
and it was from a guy
called Solomon所羅門 OdonkohOdonkoh.
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寄件人係叫 Solomon Odonkoh
00:24
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
我知
00:26
I know.
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00:27
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
00:28
It went like this:
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封郵件係咁寫:
00:29
it said, "Hello你好 James詹姆斯 Veitch維奇,
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「你好,James Veitch,
00:31
I have an interesting有趣 business業務 proposal建議
I want to share共享 with you, Solomon所羅門."
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我有一個好有趣嘅商業計劃
想邀請你參與,Solomon 上。」
呢個時候,我隻手指已經準備㩒刪除鍵
00:36
Now, my hand was kind一種 of hovering徘徊
on the delete刪除 button, right?
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我諗大家都係咁
00:39
I was looking at my phone電話.
I thought, I could just delete刪除 this.
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我望住部電話
00:42
Or I could do what I think
we've我哋都 all always wanted to do.
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心諗我可以就咁刪除封郵件
或者,可以做啲大家都想做嘅事
00:46
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
於是我話︰「Solomon,
我對你嘅計劃好有興趣。」
00:50
And I said, "Solomon所羅門,
Your email電子郵件 intrigues爾虞我詐 me."
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00:52
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
00:55
(Applause掌聲)
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(掌聲)
01:00
And the game遊戲 was afoot正在.
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個遊戲,正式開始
佢話:「親愛嘅 James Veitch,
我哋想寄黃金畀你。」
01:05
He said, "Dear親愛的 James詹姆斯 Veitch維奇,
We shall be shipping航運 Gold黃金 to you."
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01:08
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
「你賣得出嘅話,
你可以分到一成佣。」
01:10
"You will earn 10%
of any gold黃金 you distributes分布."
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01:13
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
我知我遇著騙徒老手
01:15
So I knew I was dealing交易
with a professional專業.
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01:17
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
01:22
I said, "How much is it worth值得?"
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我問︰「值幾錢呀?」
佢話︰「我哋可以由小量開始。」
01:25
He said, "We will start初時
with smaller quantity數量," --
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01:27
I was like, aww --
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我就,呃…
01:28
and then he said, "of 25 kgs公斤.
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然後佢話︰「25 公斤。」
01:31
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
「值大概 250 萬美金。」
01:34
The worth值得 should be about $2.5 million."
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我話︰「Solomon,係嘅話,
我哋不如做大佢啦!」
01:39
I said, "Solomon所羅門, if we're
going to do it, let's go big.
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01:42
(Applause掌聲)
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(掌聲)
「我搞得掂喎,你有幾多金呀?」
01:50
I can handle處理 it.
How much gold黃金 do you have?"
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01:54
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
佢話︰「幾多金唔係問題,
01:57
He said, "It is not a matter個問題
of how much gold黃金 I have,
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係睇你搞得掂幾多,
02:00
what matters個問題 is
your capability能力 of handling處理.
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我哋可以由 50 公斤開始。」
02:02
We can start初時 with 50 kgs公斤
as trial試驗 shipment裝運."
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02:04
I said, "50 kgs公斤?
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我話︰「50 公斤?
02:06
There's no pointD doing this at all
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咁冇咩綽頭喎,
至少都運一噸啦。」
02:08
unless除左 you're shipping航運
at least最小 a metric度量 ton."
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02:10
(Laughter笑聲)
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02:11
(Applause掌聲)
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(笑聲)
(掌聲)
佢話︰「你做邊行㗎?」
02:15
He said, "What do you do for a living生活?"
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02:17
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
我話︰
02:20
I said, "I'm a hedge對沖 fund基金
executive行政 bank銀行 manager經理."
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「我係銀行對沖基金執行經理。」
02:22
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
「老友呀,我已經唔係第一次運金條。
02:27
This isn't the first time
I've shipped bullion黃金, my friend朋友,
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完全唔係。」
02:29
no no no.
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於是我開始扮騰雞
02:32
Then I started初時 to panic恐慌.
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02:34
I was like, "Where are you based基於?"
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我問︰「你哋公司喺邊?
我同你又三唔識七。
02:35
I don't know about you,
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如果我哋用郵寄方式運金嘅話,
02:37
but I think if we're going
via透過 the postal郵政 service服務,
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要簽收喎,咁多黃金。」
02:39
it ought應該 to be signed簽署 for.
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02:40
That's a lot of gold黃金."
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佢答︰「要說服我公司
做咁大筆生意唔容易。」
02:42
He said, "It will not be easy容易
to convince說服 my company公司
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02:45
to do larger quantity數量 shipment裝運."
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我話︰「Solomon,
我完全明白你嘅憂慮。
02:46
I said, "Solomon所羅門, I'm completely完全
with you on this one.
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02:49
I'm putting together一起 a visual視覺 for you
to take into the board meeting.
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我陣間過張圖表畀你,
方便你喺董事會上講清楚。
02:52
Hold舉行 tight."
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你等我一陣。」
02:54
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
呢個係我寄畀 Solomon
03:01
This is what I sent Solomon所羅門.
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03:03
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
(橫軸:財富;縱軸:金嘅數量)
03:05
(Applause掌聲)
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(掌聲)
我唔肯定在座有冇統計學家
03:11
I don't know if we have
any statisticians統計 in the house房子,
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03:14
but there's definitely絕對 something going on.
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但我之後同佢有下文
03:16
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
03:19
I said, "Solomon所羅門, attached附加 to this email電子郵件
you'll你咪會 find a helpful有用 chart圖表.
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我話︰「Solomon,附件有張
對你有幫助嘅圖表。
我請我嘅助手試算過。」
03:23
I've had one of my assistants助理
run運行 the numbers數字.
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03:25
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
03:27
We're ready準備 for shipping航運
as much gold黃金 as possible可能."
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我哋已經準備好,
運得越多黃金越好!」
有啲時候我哋會俾一啲嘢感動
03:30
There's always a moment時刻 where they try
to tug拖船 your heartstrings心弦,
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呢一刻嘅 Solomon 都係
03:33
and this was it for Solomon所羅門.
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佢話︰「如果成交嘅話我會好開心,
03:34
He said, "I will be so much happy快樂
if the deal交易 goes well,
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因為我都會有一筆可觀嘅回佣。」
03:37
because I'm going to get
a very good commission委員會 as well."
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我話︰「冇得彈呀,
你會點用筆錢呀?」
03:40
And I said, "That's amazing驚人,
What are you going to spend your cutcut on?"
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然後佢話︰「買樓呀,你呢?」
03:43
And he said, "On RealEstate房地產,
what about you?"
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03:46
I thought about it for a long time.
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我諗咗好耐
我話︰「一樣嘢︰
03:50
And I said, "One word;
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鷹嘴豆泥。」
03:53
Hummus豆沙."
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03:54
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
04:00
"It's going places地方.
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實掂
04:01
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
我有一日喺 Sainsbury's
04:03
I was in Sainsbury's塞恩斯嘅 the other day
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04:05
and there were like
30 different不同 varieties品種.
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見到超過 30 種口味
04:07
Also you can cutcut up carrots胡蘿蔔,
and you can dip them.
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你仲可以切啲紅蘿蔔
點落鷹嘴豆泥添!
04:10
Have you ever done that, Solomon所羅門?"
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你有冇試過呀 Solomon?
04:11
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
佢話︰「我要瞓喇。」
04:14
He said, "I have to go bed now."
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04:16
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
04:18
(Applause掌聲)
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(掌聲)
04:21
"Till直到 morrow聽日.
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「聽日見!
04:24
Have sweet dream夢想."
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發個好夢!」
04:25
I didn't know what to say!
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我唔知點答佢呀!
04:27
I said, "BonsoirBonsoir
my golden nugget部分, bonsoirbonsoir."
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我話︰「早唞喇,金條,早唞。」
04:30
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
04:33
Guys, you have to understand理解,
this had been going for, like, weeks禮拜,
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各位,你要知道
呢件事持續咗幾個禮拜
雖然到目前為止
呢個係我人生中最正嗰幾個禮拜
04:36
albeit儘管 hitherto迄今 the greatest最大
weeks禮拜 of my life,
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但我唔想玩喇
04:38
but I had to knock it on the head.
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佢有啲失控
04:40
It was getting得到 a bit out of hand.
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朋友問我︰
「James,飲唔飲返杯呀?」
04:41
Friends朋友 were saying, "James詹姆斯,
do you want to come for a drink?"
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我話︰「唔得呀,
我等緊封關於黃金嘅電郵。」
04:44
I was like, "I can't, I'm expecting期待
an email電子郵件 about some gold黃金."
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所以我覺得要停喇
04:47
So I figured I had
to knock it on the head.
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我要令到件事去到一個荒謬嘅地步
於是我諗到一個計劃
04:50
I had to take it
to a ridiculous荒謬 conclusion結論.
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我話︰「Solomon,
我好擔心安全問題,
04:52
So I concocted炮製 a plan計劃.
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04:53
I said, "Solomon所羅門,
I'm concerned有關 about security安全.
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我哋通信嘅時候用代號呀。」
04:55
When we email電子郵件 each每個 other,
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04:56
we need to use a code代碼."
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05:00
And he agreed同意.
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佢應承咗
05:01
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
05:03
I said, "Solomon所羅門, I spent all night
coming up with this code代碼
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我話︰「Solomon,
我用咗成晚諗啲代號,
以後通信都用代號溝通啦。
05:06
we need to use
in all further進一步 correspondence通信:
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律師:小熊軟糖;
05:08
Lawyer律師: Gummy粘性 Bear.
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銀行:奶油蛋;
05:13
Bank銀行: Cream奶油 Egg雞蛋.
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05:16
Legal法律: Fizzy碳酸 Cola可樂 Bottle.
Claim索賠: Peanut花生 M&Ms女士.
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法律:可樂樽;
聲明:花生;
05:18
Documents文件: Jelly啫喱 Beans.
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文件:啫喱豆;
西聯匯款:一隻巨型橡皮蜥蜴。」
05:20
Western西方 Union聯盟: A Giant巨大 Gummy粘性 Lizard蜥蜴."
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05:22
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
我知呢啲都係佢哋用嘅代號,係咪?
05:24
I knew these were all words的話
they use, right?
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05:26
I said, "Please call me Kitkat奇巧
in all further進一步 correspondence通信."
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我話︰「以後就叫我 Kitkat 啦。」
05:30
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
我以為自己過咗火
所以冇再收到回覆
05:36
I didn't hear聽到 back.
I thought, I've gone too far.
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05:38
I've gone too far.
So I had to backpedal退後 a little.
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於是我收念返少少
05:40
I said, "Solomon所羅門, Is the deal交易 still on?
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我話︰「Solomon,
我哋交易仲繼續㗎呵?
KitKat 上。」
05:44
KitKat奇巧."
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05:45
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
05:46
Because you have to be consistent一致.
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因為我之前講明用代號嘛!
終於我收到一封回覆
05:51
Then I did get an email電子郵件 back from him.
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05:53
He said, "The Business業務 is on
and I am trying試圖 to blah等陣 blah等陣 blah等陣 ..."
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佢話︰「個交易仲進行緊㗎,
我嘗試去點點點…」
我話︰「老友,
你要用啲代號先得㗎!」
05:56
I said, "Dude夥計, you have to use the code代碼!"
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於是,我收到一封神回覆
06:01
What followed黎緊 is the greatest最大 email電子郵件
I've ever received收到.
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06:04
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
我唔係講笑,我真係收到封咁嘅回覆
06:07
I'm not joking講笑, this is what
turned打開 up in my inbox收件匣.
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06:10
This was a good day.
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嗰日零舍開心
「交易仲進行緊㗎,
06:13
"The business業務 is on.
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06:16
I am trying試圖 to raise提高 the balance平衡
for the Gummy粘性 Bear --
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我嘗試緊為小熊軟糖增加結餘。」
06:18
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
06:23
so he can submit提交 all the needed需要
Fizzy碳酸 Cola可樂 Bottle Jelly啫喱 Beans
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「咁佢先可以提交
所有需要嘅可樂樽啫喱豆
06:26
to the Creme Egg雞蛋,
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畀奶油蛋,
從而開始進行花生。」
06:29
for the Peanut花生 M&Ms女士 process過程 to start初時.
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06:32
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
06:33
Send發送 1,500 pounds
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麻煩經一隻巨型橡皮蜥蜴
匯 1,500 鎊畀我
06:36
via透過 a Giant巨大 Gummy粘性 Lizard蜥蜴."
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06:38
(Applause掌聲)
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(掌聲)
係咪好好玩呢!
06:49
And that was so much fun有趣, right,
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06:51
that it got me thinking思維:
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於是我喺度諗:
06:53
like, what would happen發生 if I just spent
as much time as could
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如果我將大部分時間
都盡量去覆呢啲詐騙郵件會點呢?
06:56
replying回答 to as many好多
scam騙局 emails電子郵件 as I could?
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冇錯,呢三年我就係
代表各位回覆詐騙集團
07:00
And that's what I've been doing
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07:03
for three years
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07:05
on your behalf代表.
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07:06
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
07:08
(Applause掌聲)
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(掌聲)
當你開始覆詐騙郵件嘅時候
瘋狂嘅事情就會發生
07:12
Crazy stuff啲嘢 happens發生 when you start初時
replying回答 to scam騙局 emails電子郵件.
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07:14
It's really difficult困難,
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雖然覆電郵係好困難
07:16
and I highly高度 recommend推薦 we do it.
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但我好建議大家一齊做
07:17
I don't think what I'm doing is mean.
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我唔覺得自己咁做好衰
07:19
There are a lot of people
who do mean things to scammers騙子.
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大把人對詐騙集團做衰嘢
07:22
All I'm doing is wasting嘥晒 their佢哋 time.
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我做嘅只係浪費佢哋嘅時間
而且我覺得每當佢哋嘥時間喺我身上
07:26
And I think any time
they're spending支出 with me
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就會冇咗時間去呃其他
容易上當嘅人㗎啦,係咪?
07:29
is time they're not spending支出
scamming vulnerable脆弱 adults成人
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07:31
out of their佢哋 savings儲蓄, right?
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07:33
And if you're going to do this --
and I highly高度 recommend推薦 you do --
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不過如果你要咁做
我強烈建議你開返一個匿名嘅電郵
07:37
get yourself自己 a pseudonymous假名 email電子郵件 address地址.
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唔好用自己嘅電郵
07:39
Don't use your own自己 email電子郵件 address地址.
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我一開始就係咁
07:40
That's what I was doing at the start初時
and it was a nightmare噩夢.
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嗰時直頭係惡夢
我當時一起身收到過千封郵件
全部都係關於壯陽藥
07:43
I'd wake喚醒 up in the morning早上
and have a thousand emails電子郵件
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07:46
about penis enlargements放大,
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當中只有其中一封唔係詐騙嘅
07:47
only one of which
was a legitimate合法 response響應 --
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(笑聲)
07:49
(Laughter笑聲)
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因為佢真係答返我
一條醫學問題
07:51
to a medical醫療 question個問題 I had.
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07:53
But I'll tell you what, though雖然, guys,
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但各位,我話畀大家知:
07:55
I'll tell you what: any day is a good day,
any day is a good day
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每一日你都會收到電郵
07:58
if you receive收到 an email電子郵件
that begins初時 like this:
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如果你收到一封電郵個開頭係咁:
08:01
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
08:04
"I AM WINNIE溫妮 MANDELA曼德拉,
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「我係 Winnie Mandela,
08:07
THE SECOND第二 WIFE妻子 OF NELSON尼爾森 MANDELA曼德拉
THE FORMER SOUTH AFRICAN非洲 PRESIDENT總統."
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475094
3294
前南非總統曼德拉第二個老婆」
我當時係,噢!
嗰個 Winnie Mandela!
08:10
I was like, oh! -- that Winnie溫妮 Mandela曼德拉.
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1903
08:12
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
08:13
I know so many好多.
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我識好多個 Winnie Mandela 㗎嘛
08:15
"I NEED TO TRANSFER轉移 45 MILLION DOLLARS美元
OUT OF THE COUNTRY國家
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「我需要滙 4,500 萬美金到國外,
08:18
BECAUSE OF MY HUSBAND老公
NELSON尼爾森 MANDELA'S曼德拉的 HEALTH健康 CONDITION條件."
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因為我先生曼德拉嘅健康狀況。」
睇下點先啦
08:21
Let that sink下沉 in.
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1159
08:23
She sent me this, which is hysterical歇斯底里.
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佢仲畀咗呢樣嘢我,勁搞笑
08:26
(Laughter笑聲)
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2947
(笑聲)
08:29
And this.
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仲有呢個添
08:30
And this looks睇黎 fairly都幾 legitimate合法,
this is a letter of authorization授權.
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咁望落去好合情合理呀
呢封係一封授權信
08:33
But to be honest老實, if there's nothing
written on it, it's just a shape形狀!
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但係你望清楚啲!冇字㗎!
印章只係得個樣!
08:37
(Laughter笑聲)
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505318
1853
(笑聲)
我話︰「Winnie 呀,
08:39
I said, "Winnie溫妮,
I'm really sorry to hear聽到 of this.
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2342
聽到咁嘅事情發生
真係好唔好意思,
08:42
Given that Nelson尼爾森 died three months ago,
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510017
1993
畢竟曼德拉過咗身三個月,
08:44
I'd describe描述 his health健康 condition條件
as fairly都幾 serious嚴重."
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2586
佢嘅病情真係幾嚴重。」
08:46
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
08:49
That's the worst糟糕 health健康 condition條件
you can have, not being alive活著.
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517482
3519
一個人最差嘅健康狀況就係死亡
佢話︰「麻煩你遵照我銀行家嘅指示。
08:55
She said, "KINDLY COMPLY遵守
WITH MY BANKERS銀行家 INSTRUCTIONS指示.
194
523373
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08:58
ONE LOVE."
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唯一嘅愛上。」
08:59
(Laughter笑聲)
196
527350
1952
(笑聲)
09:02
I said, "Of course課程. NO WOMAN女人, NO CRY."
197
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1818
我話︰「冇問題。
女人總係需要男人嘅金錢。」
09:04
(Laughter笑聲)
198
532167
3504
(笑聲)
09:07
(Applause掌聲)
199
535695
3496
(掌聲)
佢話︰「我嘅銀行家要先收到
三千美金嘅滙款。
09:12
She said, "MY BANKER銀行家 WILL NEED
TRANSFER轉移 OF 3000 DOLLARS美元. ONE LOVE."
200
540701
3151
唯一嘅愛上。」
09:15
(Laughter笑聲)
201
543876
2134
(笑聲)
我話︰「冇問題,
09:20
I said, "no problemo個問題.
202
548010
1969
09:24
I SHOT拍攝 THE SHERIFF警長."
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1271
我幫你搞掂咗個呀頭啦。」
(不過冇殺到佢副手囉)
09:29
[ (BUT I DID NOT SHOOT開槍 THE DEPUTY) ]
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09:31
(Laughter笑聲)
205
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(笑聲)
多謝
09:32
Thank you.
206
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1152
09:33
(Applause掌聲)
207
561942
13263
(掌聲)
Translated by Christie Cheng
Reviewed by Chak Lam Wan

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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
James Veitch - Comedian and writer
For James Veitch, a British writer and comedian with a mischievous side, spam emails proved the perfect opening to have some fun, playing the scammers at their own game.

Why you should listen

Packed full of Nigerian princes, can't miss investment opportunities and eligible Russian brides, James Veitch's correspondence with email spammers leads to surprising, bizarre and usually hilarious results. Out of this experiment came his first book, Dot Con. In 2014, his first solo comedy show The Fundamental Interconnectedness of Everyone with an Internet Connection, premiered at the Edinburgh Fringe to wide acclaim. His second show, Genius Bar, focussed on his time working for Apple, chronicles his attempts to fix his relationship using the same troubleshooting techniques he’d been using to fix iMacs, iPhones and iPods. He is currently writing his third show and preparing to tour the UK. 

He lives in London with his full body pillow.

More profile about the speaker
James Veitch | Speaker | TED.com