ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Sally Kohn - Political pundit
Sally Kohn searches for common ground among political foes by focusing on the compassion and humanity in everyone.

Why you should listen

Sally Kohn has a powerful vision for a more united United States. She's a columnist and a political commentator for CNN, and she is working on a book about hate that will be published in the spring of 2018. As a former contributor to Fox News, this progressive lesbian sparred with some of the most conservative minds on television and has sifted through hundreds of letters of hate mail a day. But she deeply believes in finding our common humanity, political differences aside. Before we can achieve political correctness, we must first establish emotional correctness — and this will ignite conversations that lead to real change.

Kohn has appeared on Fox, MSNBC and CNN and has written for The Daily Beast, Salon, The Atlantic and TIME Magazine.

More profile about the speaker
Sally Kohn | Speaker | TED.com
TEDWomen 2017

Sally Kohn: What we can do about the culture of hate

Filmed:
1,346,684 views

We're all against hate, right? We agree it's a problem -- their problem, not our problem, that is. But as Sally Kohn discovered, we all hate -- some of us in subtle ways, others in obvious ones. As she confronts a hard story from her own life, she shares ideas on how we can recognize, challenge and heal from hatred in our institutions and in ourselves.
- Political pundit
Sally Kohn searches for common ground among political foes by focusing on the compassion and humanity in everyone. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:12
So people tell me I'm a nice person ...
0
951
3001
00:18
to the point where it's part
of my personal and professional identity
1
6020
4043
00:22
that I'm so nice
and able to get along with anyone,
2
10087
4339
00:26
even my most fierce opponents.
3
14450
3234
00:30
It's like my "thing,"
it's what I'm known for.
4
18837
2210
00:33
(Laughter)
5
21071
2966
00:36
But what no one knows ...
6
24061
2936
00:41
is that I was a bully.
7
29063
1523
00:44
Honestly, I didn't think
about it much myself.
8
32709
2412
00:47
I buried the memories for years,
9
35145
3478
00:50
and even still, a lot of it's really hazy.
10
38647
3532
00:54
Denial, by the way, apparently
is also one of my things.
11
42203
2643
00:56
(Laughter)
12
44870
1229
00:58
But the more people started to praise me
13
46123
2556
01:00
for being a liberal who could
get along with conservatives,
14
48703
2763
01:03
and the more I wrote articles
about being nice
15
51490
2151
01:05
and gave talks about being nice,
16
53665
3024
01:08
the more I felt this hypocrisy
creeping up inside me.
17
56713
4155
01:14
What if I was actually really mean?
18
62865
1825
01:19
When I was 10 years old,
19
67877
2737
01:24
there was a girl in my class
at school named Vicky.
20
72155
3020
01:27
(Sigh)
21
75199
1449
01:28
And I tormented her ...
22
76672
1546
01:32
mercilessly.
23
80330
1150
01:35
I mean, everyone did.
24
83359
1391
01:36
Even the teachers picked on her.
25
84774
1584
01:39
It doesn't make it any better, does it?
26
87769
1897
01:42
Vicky was clearly a troubled kid.
27
90975
3343
01:46
She would hit herself
and give herself bloody noses
28
94342
2542
01:48
and she had hygiene problems --
29
96908
1517
01:50
she had big hygiene problems.
30
98449
1861
01:53
But instead of helping this girl,
31
101193
2145
01:55
who was plainly suffering
from hardships in her life ...
32
103362
3133
01:59
we called her "Sticky Vicky."
33
107889
1920
02:03
I called her "Sticky Vicky."
34
111821
1750
02:08
My clearest memory
is standing in the empty hallway
35
116634
4359
02:13
outside the fifth grade classrooms
36
121017
1930
02:14
waiting for Vicky
to come out of the bathroom,
37
122971
2800
02:17
and I have a clipboard and a pen
and a survey I've made up,
38
125795
3191
02:21
asking about shampoo preferences,
39
129010
1766
02:22
like I'm doing a study
for science class or something.
40
130800
3115
02:25
And when Vicky comes out of the bathroom,
41
133939
2401
02:28
I pounce on her and I ask her
what shampoo she uses.
42
136364
2810
02:31
Now, to put this in perspective,
43
139198
2206
02:33
I can't remember the names of my teachers,
44
141428
2043
02:35
I can't remember the names
of any of the books I read that year,
45
143495
3017
02:38
I pretty much can't remember
anything from fifth grade,
46
146536
2572
02:41
but I remember that Vicky told me
she used White Rain shampoo.
47
149132
2947
02:45
Clear as yesterday,
48
153285
1181
02:46
like it just happened.
49
154490
1150
02:48
And as classes let out,
50
156775
1150
02:49
I ran down the hall shouting
at all the other kids,
51
157949
2779
02:52
"Sticky Vicky uses White Rain shampoo.
52
160752
2357
02:55
Don't use White Rain shampoo
53
163133
1871
02:57
or you'll smell like Sticky Vicky."
54
165028
3157
03:02
I forgot about this memory
for a long time.
55
170641
2001
03:04
When I finally started remembering it,
56
172666
1840
03:06
I immediately needed to know more.
57
174530
1621
03:08
I reached out to friends
and eventually social media,
58
176175
2492
03:10
and I did everything I could
to try to find Vicky.
59
178691
2335
03:13
I needed to know that she was OK,
60
181050
2802
03:15
and that I hadn't ruined her life.
61
183876
1670
03:19
(Sigh)
62
187471
1039
03:20
But what I quickly realized
63
188534
1520
03:22
was I wasn't just trying to figure out
what happened to Vicky.
64
190078
2952
03:25
I was trying to figure out
what happened to me.
65
193369
2287
03:29
When I was 10 years old,
66
197802
1294
03:31
I treated another human being
like some worthless other ...
67
199120
4769
03:36
like I was better than her,
68
204820
1476
03:39
and she was garbage.
69
207349
1219
03:42
What kind of a nice person does that?
70
210076
1830
03:44
I mean, I know I was only a kid,
71
212578
1611
03:46
but not all kids do that.
72
214213
1482
03:47
Most kids don't do that, right?
73
215719
2249
03:51
So, what if I wasn't nice after all?
74
219168
2369
03:53
I was really just a hateful monster.
75
221561
2817
03:57
Then I started to notice myself
having these mean impulses,
76
225914
4892
04:02
thinking mean thoughts
77
230830
1846
04:04
and wanting to say them.
78
232700
1216
04:08
Admittedly, most of my mean thoughts
were about conservatives.
79
236026
3169
04:11
(Laughter)
80
239219
4790
04:16
But not just conservatives.
81
244033
1328
04:17
I also caught myself thinking mean things
about mushy, centrist liberals
82
245385
4101
04:21
and greedy Wall Street bankers
83
249510
1878
04:23
and Islamophobes
84
251412
1458
04:24
and slow drivers,
85
252894
1474
04:26
because I really hate slow drivers.
86
254392
2285
04:28
(Laughter)
87
256701
2519
04:31
And as I'd catch myself
in these moments of hypocrisy,
88
259244
3000
04:34
either I was just noticing them
or they were getting worse,
89
262268
3699
04:37
especially in the last few years.
90
265991
1583
04:40
And as I felt more hateful --
91
268149
2125
04:42
rageful, really --
92
270298
2288
04:44
I noticed the world around me
seemed to be getting more hateful, too.
93
272610
3240
04:47
Like there was this steady
undercurrent of hate
94
275874
2554
04:50
bubbling up all around us
95
278452
2105
04:52
and increasingly overflowing.
96
280581
1707
04:55
So the plus side, I guess,
97
283973
2488
04:58
is that I realized that hate
was not just my problem,
98
286485
5218
05:03
which is like, the most
selfish plus side ever --
99
291727
3095
05:06
(Laughter)
100
294846
1527
05:08
because now instead of just my own hate
and cruelty to try to figure out,
101
296813
5516
05:14
I had a whole world of hate
I wanted to unravel
102
302353
3981
05:18
and understand and fix.
103
306358
2055
05:22
So I did what all overly intellectual
people do when they have a problem
104
310506
4977
05:27
that they want to understand,
105
315507
1547
05:29
and I wrote a book.
106
317078
1151
05:30
(Laughter)
107
318253
2181
05:33
I wrote a book about hate.
108
321026
1893
05:35
Spoiler alert:
109
323407
1150
05:37
I'm against it.
110
325443
1151
05:38
(Laughter)
111
326618
2777
05:41
Now at this point,
you might be thinking to yourself,
112
329419
2582
05:44
"Why are y'all worried about hate?
113
332025
1800
05:45
You didn't hate Vicky.
114
333849
1151
05:47
Bullying isn't hate."
115
335024
1776
05:50
Isn't it?
116
338474
1150
05:53
Gordon Allport,
117
341267
1309
05:54
the psychologist who pioneered
the study of hate in the early 1900s,
118
342600
4222
05:58
developed what he called
a "scale of prejudice."
119
346846
2493
06:01
At one end are things like genocide
and other bias-motivated violence.
120
349363
5722
06:07
But at the other end
121
355109
1532
06:08
are things like believing
that your in-group
122
356665
3165
06:11
is inherently superior to some out-group,
123
359854
3596
06:15
or avoiding social interaction
with those others.
124
363474
4763
06:21
Isn't that all hate?
125
369583
1206
06:24
I mean, it wasn't an accident
126
372186
1811
06:26
that I was a rich kid
picking on a poor kid,
127
374021
3166
06:30
or that Vicky, it turns out,
would eventually end up being gay.
128
378982
4230
06:36
Poor kids and gay kids
are more likely to be bullied,
129
384861
4093
06:40
even by kids who also end up being gay.
130
388978
3285
06:45
I know there was a lot going on
in my little 10-year-old mind.
131
393988
2906
06:48
I'm not saying hate was the only
reason I picked on Vicky
132
396918
2668
06:51
or even that I was consciously
hateful or anything,
133
399610
2974
06:54
but the fact is,
134
402608
1828
06:56
the people we discriminate against
in our public policies and in our culture
135
404460
4945
07:01
are also the groups of people
most likely to be bullied in school.
136
409429
4579
07:07
That is not just a coincidence.
137
415984
1682
07:11
That's hate.
138
419799
1391
07:15
I am defining hate in a broad way
139
423554
2371
07:19
because I think we have a big problem.
140
427451
2889
07:23
And we need to solve all of it,
not just the most extremes.
141
431214
3659
07:26
So for instance,
142
434897
1251
07:28
we probably all agree
that marching down the street,
143
436172
2564
07:30
chanting about you should take away
rights from some group of people
144
438760
3278
07:34
because of their skin color
or their gender,
145
442062
2050
07:36
we'd all agree that's hate, right? OK.
146
444136
1949
07:39
What if you believe
that group of people is inferior,
147
447594
3793
07:44
but you don't say it?
148
452771
1210
07:47
Is that hate?
149
455546
1150
07:49
Or what if you believe
that group of people is inferior
150
457780
3620
07:53
but you aren't aware
that you believe it --
151
461424
2270
07:55
what's known as implicit bias.
152
463718
1586
07:57
Is that hate?
153
465990
1150
07:59
I mean they all have
the same roots, don't they?
154
467918
2239
08:02
In the historic patterns
of racism and sexism
155
470181
3014
08:05
that have shaped our history
and still infect our society today.
156
473219
3084
08:08
Isn't it all hate?
157
476327
1481
08:10
I'm not saying they're the same thing,
158
478573
2493
08:13
just like I am not saying
159
481090
2326
08:15
that being a bully
is as bad as being a Nazi,
160
483440
2754
08:18
just like I'm not saying that being a Nazi
is the same thing as punching a Nazi ...
161
486218
3944
08:22
(Laughter)
162
490636
5699
08:28
But hating a Nazi is still hate, right?
163
496359
3994
08:33
What about hating someone
who isn't as enlightened as you?
164
501294
2716
08:37
See, what I learned
165
505231
2071
08:40
is that we all are against hate
166
508533
2540
08:43
and we all think hate is a problem.
167
511097
2007
08:45
We think it's their problem,
168
513929
1739
08:48
not our problem.
169
516550
1443
08:50
They're hateful.
170
518824
1302
08:52
I mean, if I think the people
who didn't vote like me
171
520690
2529
08:55
are stupid racist monsters who don't
deserve to call themselves Americans,
172
523243
3477
08:58
alright, fine, I'm not being nice,
173
526744
1679
09:00
I get it.
174
528447
1247
09:01
(Laughter)
175
529718
1397
09:03
I'm not hateful, I'm just right, right?
176
531139
3270
09:06
(Laughter)
177
534433
1683
09:08
Wrong.
178
536140
1150
09:11
We all hate.
179
539346
2349
09:14
And I do not mean that
in some abstract, generic sense.
180
542568
4250
09:18
I mean all of us ...
181
546842
2201
09:22
me and you.
182
550571
1540
09:25
That sanctimonious pedestal of superiority
on which we all place ourselves,
183
553684
5245
09:30
that they are hateful and we are not,
184
558953
3327
09:34
is a manifestation
of the essential root of hate:
185
562304
3874
09:38
that we are fundamentally good
and they are not,
186
566202
3529
09:43
which is what needs to change.
187
571106
1589
09:45
So in trying to understand and solve hate,
188
573968
3757
09:49
I read every book
and every research study I could find,
189
577749
2918
09:52
but I also went and talked
to some former Nazis
190
580691
4166
09:56
and some former terrorists
191
584881
1509
09:58
and some former genocidal killers,
192
586414
2612
10:01
because I figured if they could
figure out how to escape hate,
193
589050
4184
10:05
surely the rest of us could.
194
593258
1430
10:07
Let me give you just one example
of the former terrorist I spent time with
195
595617
4187
10:11
in the West Bank.
196
599828
1248
10:13
When Bassam Aramin was 16 years old,
197
601719
2850
10:17
he tried to blow up an Israeli
military convoy with a grenade.
198
605692
4325
10:23
He failed, fortunately,
199
611828
2374
10:26
but he was still sentenced
to seven years in prison.
200
614226
2430
10:28
When he was in prison,
they showed a film about the Holocaust.
201
616680
2937
10:31
Up until that point,
202
619641
1151
10:32
Bassam had thought the Holocaust
was mostly a myth.
203
620816
2869
10:35
He went to go watch the film
204
623709
1800
10:37
because he thought he would enjoy
seeing Jews get killed.
205
625533
3086
10:42
But when he saw what really happened,
he broke down crying.
206
630424
3763
10:47
And eventually, after prison,
207
635691
1426
10:49
Bassam went on to get
a master's degree in Holocaust studies
208
637141
3361
10:52
and he founded an organization
where former Palestinian combatants
209
640526
4031
10:56
and Israeli combatants come together,
210
644581
2381
10:59
work together, try to find common ground.
211
647963
2660
11:04
By his own account,
Bassam used to hate Israelis,
212
652287
3492
11:09
but through knowing Israelis
and learning their stories
213
657304
3152
11:12
and working together for peace,
214
660480
1785
11:14
he overcame his hate.
215
662289
1262
11:17
Bassam says he still
doesn't hate Israelis,
216
665654
3535
11:22
even after the Israeli military --
217
670183
1769
11:25
shot and killed his [10]-year-old
daughter, Abir,
218
673232
2386
11:27
while she was walking to school.
219
675642
1700
11:32
(Sigh)
220
680021
2007
11:34
Bassam even forgave the soldier
who killed his daughter.
221
682339
2763
11:38
That soldier, he taught me,
222
686339
1761
11:41
was just a product
of the same hateful system as he was.
223
689998
4222
11:51
If a former terrorist ...
224
699515
2212
11:56
if a terrorist can learn to stop hating
225
704169
4254
12:00
and still not hate
when their child is killed,
226
708447
2144
12:02
surely the rest of us can stop our habits
227
710615
4006
12:06
of demeaning and dehumanizing each other.
228
714645
2610
12:09
And I will tell you there are stories
like Bassam's all over the world,
229
717279
3334
12:12
plus study after study after study
230
720637
1961
12:14
that says, no, we are neither designed
nor destined as human beings to hate,
231
722622
5119
12:19
but rather taught to hate
by the world around us.
232
727765
3620
12:23
I promise you,
233
731409
1175
12:24
none of us pops out of the womb
hating black people or Republicans.
234
732608
3494
12:28
There is nothing in our DNA
that makes us hate Muslims or Mexicans.
235
736126
4889
12:33
For better or for worse,
236
741513
1202
12:34
we are all a product
of the culture around us.
237
742739
3552
12:39
And the good news is,
238
747870
2049
12:41
we're also the ones
who shape that culture,
239
749943
2744
12:46
which means we can change it.
240
754139
1592
12:48
The first step is starting to recognize
the hate inside ourselves.
241
756661
5400
12:54
We need to catch ourselves
242
762085
1609
12:55
and our hateful thoughts
in all their forms
243
763718
2482
12:58
in all of us ...
244
766224
1763
13:01
and work to challenge
our ideas and assumptions.
245
769556
2368
13:03
That doesn't happen overnight,
246
771948
1446
13:05
I am telling you right here,
247
773418
1355
13:06
it is a lifelong journey,
but it's one we all need to take.
248
774797
2904
13:10
And then second:
249
778367
1175
13:11
if we want to challenge
the hate in our societies,
250
779566
3381
13:14
we need to promote policies
and institutions and practices
251
782971
3945
13:18
that connect us as communities.
252
786940
2729
13:22
Literally, like integrated
neighborhoods and schools.
253
790295
3070
13:25
That by the way is the reason
to support integration.
254
793389
2478
13:27
Not just because
it's the right thing to do,
255
795891
2253
13:30
but because integration
systematically combats hate.
256
798168
3425
13:33
There are studies
that teenagers who participate
257
801617
2334
13:35
in racially integrated classes
and activities reduce their racial bias.
258
803975
4187
13:40
And when little kids go to racially
integrated kindergartens
259
808186
3370
13:43
and elementary schools --
260
811580
2120
13:45
they develop less bias to begin with.
261
813724
1801
13:48
But the fact is in so many ways
and in so many places around our world,
262
816672
3921
13:52
we are separated from each other.
263
820617
2771
13:56
In the United States, for instance,
264
824740
2232
13:58
three-quarters of white people
don't have any non-white friends.
265
826996
4443
14:04
So in addition to promoting
those proactive solutions,
266
832683
4070
14:08
the other thing we need to do
is upend the hate in our institutions
267
836777
3826
14:12
and our policies
268
840627
1436
14:14
that perpetuate dehumanization
and difference
269
842087
4739
14:18
and otherizing and hate,
270
846850
1928
14:20
like systems of sexual harassment
and sexual assault in the workplace,
271
848802
5739
14:26
or our deeply racially imbalanced
272
854565
4165
14:30
and deeply racially biased
criminal "justice" system.
273
858754
3371
14:34
We need to change that.
274
862814
1656
14:36
Again, it will not happen overnight.
275
864494
1866
14:38
It needs to happen.
276
866384
1950
14:41
And then ...
277
869763
1150
14:44
when we connect together
278
872123
1492
14:46
in these connection spaces,
279
874885
2722
14:50
facilitated by connection systems,
280
878518
2801
14:54
we need to change the way
we talk to each other
281
882591
2783
14:58
and connect with one another
282
886992
1478
15:00
and relate with generosity
and open-mindedness
283
888494
5349
15:05
and kindness and compassion
284
893867
1405
15:07
and not hate.
285
895296
1183
15:09
And that's it.
286
897837
1415
15:11
That's it.
287
899276
1151
15:12
(Applause)
288
900451
4262
15:16
I have solved it all, right?
289
904737
2095
15:18
That's it.
290
906856
1151
15:20
That is pretty much --
291
908031
1159
15:21
there's a few details --
292
909214
1167
15:22
but that's pretty much all we have to do.
293
910405
1954
15:24
It's not that complicated, right?
294
912383
1723
15:27
But it's hard.
295
915556
1287
15:30
The hate that we feel
towards certain groups of people
296
918279
4460
15:35
because of who they are
or what they believe
297
923814
2848
15:38
is so ingrained in our minds
and in our society
298
926686
3412
15:42
that it can feel inevitable
299
930122
1539
15:45
and impossible to change.
300
933031
1446
15:49
Change is possible.
301
937393
1284
15:53
Just look at the terrorist
who became a peace activist.
302
941148
4587
15:59
Or look at the bully who learned
to apologize to her victim.
303
947483
5032
16:07
The entire time I was traveling
around the Middle East and Rwanda
304
955338
5152
16:12
and across the United States,
305
960514
1383
16:13
hearing these unbelievable stories
of people in communities
306
961921
4085
16:18
who had left entire histories
of hate behind,
307
966030
2683
16:20
I was still looking for Vicky.
308
968737
1457
16:23
It was so hard find her that I hired
a private investigator
309
971024
2786
16:25
and he found her.
310
973834
1438
16:27
I mean, he sort of found her.
311
975296
1898
16:29
The truth is, it became clear
that the person I'm calling Vicky
312
977218
4305
16:33
had gone to extraordinary lengths
to hide her identity.
313
981547
4792
16:40
But anyway, a year after
I began my journey,
314
988564
3865
16:46
I wrote Vicky an apology.
315
994556
1496
16:50
And a few months later,
316
998199
1262
16:52
she wrote back.
317
1000600
1150
16:54
(Sigh)
318
1002667
2063
16:57
I'm not going to lie,
319
1005090
1868
16:58
I wanted to be forgiven.
320
1006982
1702
17:05
I wasn't.
321
1013018
1150
17:06
(Sigh)
322
1014192
1150
17:07
She offered me sort of
conditional forgiveness.
323
1015815
2929
17:10
What she wrote was ...
324
1018768
1253
17:13
"Messages such as yours
cannot absolve you of your past actions.
325
1021158
4667
17:18
The only way to do that
is to improve the world,
326
1026914
3343
17:22
prevent others
from behaving in similar ways
327
1030281
2315
17:26
and foster compassion."
328
1034093
1509
17:29
And Vicky's right.
329
1037880
1522
17:33
Which is why I'm here.
330
1041529
1350
17:35
Thank you.
331
1043601
1151
17:36
(Applause)
332
1044776
7000

▲Back to top

ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Sally Kohn - Political pundit
Sally Kohn searches for common ground among political foes by focusing on the compassion and humanity in everyone.

Why you should listen

Sally Kohn has a powerful vision for a more united United States. She's a columnist and a political commentator for CNN, and she is working on a book about hate that will be published in the spring of 2018. As a former contributor to Fox News, this progressive lesbian sparred with some of the most conservative minds on television and has sifted through hundreds of letters of hate mail a day. But she deeply believes in finding our common humanity, political differences aside. Before we can achieve political correctness, we must first establish emotional correctness — and this will ignite conversations that lead to real change.

Kohn has appeared on Fox, MSNBC and CNN and has written for The Daily Beast, Salon, The Atlantic and TIME Magazine.

More profile about the speaker
Sally Kohn | Speaker | TED.com