ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Leslie Morgan Steiner - Writer
Leslie Morgan Steiner is a writer and outspoken advocate for survivors of domestic violence -- which includes herself.

Why you should listen

Leslie Morgan Steiner is the author of Crazy Love, a memoir about her marriage to a man who routinely abused and threatened her. In it she describes the harrowing details that unfolded unexpectedly -- from the moment she met a warm, loving, infatuated man on the subway, to the moment he first laid a hand on her, when he grabbed her neck just days before their wedding. Steiner also edited Mommy Wars: Stay-at-Home and Career Moms Face Off on Their Choices, Their Lives, Their Families, a collection of essays by women struggling to balance motherhood and their careers.

Steiner received her MBA in marketing from Wharton School of Business and worked in marketing for Johnson & Johnson before transitioning to writing, as General Manager of the Washington Post Magazine. Steiner writes a weekly column called "Two Cents on Modern Motherhood," for the website Mommy Track’d, and she has just finished her third book, on the effect of fertility treatments on modern motherhood.

Read her thoughts about this TED Talk on CNN.com >>

More profile about the speaker
Leslie Morgan Steiner | Speaker | TED.com
TEDxRainier

Leslie Morgan Steiner: Why domestic violence victims don't leave

莱斯利·摩根·斯泰纳:为什么家庭暴力受害者不离开

Filmed:
5,800,883 views

莱斯利·摩根·斯泰纳曾经陷入“疯狂的爱情”——即爱上了一个经常虐待她并威胁她生命的男人。斯泰纳描述了她的婚姻中黑暗的一面,纠正了许多人对于家庭暴力受害者的错误理解,并告诉我们如何帮助受害者打破沉默。(TEDx Rainier)
- Writer
Leslie Morgan Steiner is a writer and outspoken advocate for survivors of domestic violence -- which includes herself. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:16
I'm here today今天 to talk about a disturbing烦扰的 question,
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今天,我想聊一个令人不安的问题,
00:19
which哪一个 has an equally一样 disturbing烦扰的 answer回答.
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这个问题的答案同样令人烦扰。
00:23
My topic话题 is the secrets秘密 of domestic国内 violence暴力,
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我要说的是家庭暴力的秘密,
00:27
and the question I'm going to tackle滑车
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而我将要回答的问题
00:29
is the one question everyone大家 always asks:
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这个问题每个人都曾经问起:
00:33
Why does she stay?
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“为什么她(家庭暴力受害者)会留下来?”
00:35
Why would anyone任何人 stay with a man who beats节拍 her?
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“怎么会有人愿意和一个打她的男人继续住在一起?”
00:39
I'm not a psychiatrist心理医生, a social社会 worker工人
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我并不是精神病医生、社会工作者、
00:42
or an expert专家 in domestic国内 violence暴力.
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也不是家庭暴力方面的专家。
00:44
I'm just one woman女人 with a story故事 to tell.
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我只是一个有着亲身经历要讲述的女人。
00:47
I was 22. I had just graduated毕业 from Harvard哈佛 College学院.
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当时我22岁,刚从哈佛学院毕业。
00:52
I had moved移动 to New York纽约 City for my first job工作
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我搬到了纽约,开始了自己第一份工作
00:54
as a writer作家 and editor编辑 at Seventeen十七 magazine杂志.
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在“Seventeen”杂志社当编辑和撰稿人。
00:57
I had my first apartment公寓,
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我第一次有了自己的房子(公寓),
01:00
my first little green绿色 American美国 Express表现 card,
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有了第一张信用卡。
01:03
and I had a very big secret秘密.
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我还有一个非常大的秘密。
01:06
My secret秘密 was that I had this gun
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这个秘密就是我曾经
01:10
loaded with hollow-point空心点 bullets子弹 pointed at my head
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被我认为是我灵魂伴侣的男人
01:13
by the man who I thought was my soulmate心心相印,
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用这把装满空心弹头的枪指着我的头
01:16
many许多, many许多 times.
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太多、太多次。
01:19
The man who I loved喜爱 more than anybody任何人 on Earth地球
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这个我曾经最爱的人,
01:23
held保持 a gun to my head and threatened受威胁 to kill me
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用枪指着我的头,并威胁要杀掉我,
01:27
more times than I can even remember记得.
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我已经记不得对我做了多少次。
01:30
I'm here to tell you the story故事 of crazy love,
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现在我所讲述的这个“疯狂爱情”的故事,
01:33
a psychological心理 trap陷阱 disguised伪装 as love,
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是一个伪装成爱情的心理陷阱,
01:36
one that millions百万 of women妇女 and even a few少数 men男人
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每年都会有上百万的女性,甚至也包括一些男性
01:39
fall秋季 into every一切 year.
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会掉进这个陷阱。
01:41
It may可能 even be your story故事.
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或许,它正发生在你的身上。
01:44
I don't look like a typical典型 domestic国内 violence暴力 survivor幸存者.
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我看起来不像是典型的家庭暴力受害者。
01:47
I have a B.A. in English英语 from Harvard哈佛 College学院,
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我拥有哈佛学院的英语学士学位,
01:49
an MBAMBA in marketing营销 from Wharton沃顿商学院 Business商业 School学校.
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还拿到了沃顿商学院的市场营销方面的MBA学位。
01:52
I've spent花费 most of my career事业 working加工 for Fortune幸运 500 companies公司
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我决大多数时间都在为"财富"500强公司工作,
01:55
including包含 Johnson约翰逊 & Johnson约翰逊, Leo狮子座 Burnett伯内特 and The Washington华盛顿 Post岗位.
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包括强生,李奥贝纳和华盛顿邮报。
01:59
I've been married已婚 for almost几乎 20 years年份 to my second第二 husband丈夫
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我嫁给我的第二任丈夫差不多20年了
02:03
and we have three kids孩子 together一起.
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并育有3个孩子。
02:06
My dog is a black黑色 lab实验室, and I drive驾驶 a Honda本田 Odyssey奥德赛 minivan面包车.
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我养了一只黑色拉布拉多猎犬,开本田奥赛德面包车。
02:10
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑)
02:12
So my first message信息 for you is that domestic国内 violence暴力
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这就是我要告诉你的第一个事实:家庭暴力
02:15
happens发生 to everyone大家 --
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可能发生在每个人身上
02:18
all races比赛, all religions宗教, all income收入 and education教育 levels水平.
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无关你的种族、信仰、收入和教育水平。
02:22
It's everywhere到处.
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它随处可见。
02:24
And my second第二 message信息 is that everyone大家 thinks
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我要说的第二个事实,是很多人认为
02:26
domestic国内 violence暴力 happens发生 to women妇女,
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既然家庭暴力发生在女性身上,
02:28
that it's a women's女士的 issue问题.
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那应该是女性自身的问题。
02:31
Not exactly究竟.
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不是的。
02:33
Over 85 percent百分 of abusers滥用者 are men男人, and domestic国内 abuse滥用
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超过85%的施虐者是男性,并且家庭暴力
02:37
happens发生 only in intimate亲密, interdependent相互依存, long-term长期 relationships关系,
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只发生在亲密的、相互依存的、长期的关系中,
02:43
in other words, in families家庭,
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换句话说,发生在家庭中,
02:45
the last place地点 we would want or expect期望 to find violence暴力,
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这是我们最不愿意,或最不期望看到暴力的地方。
02:49
which哪一个 is one reason原因 domestic国内 abuse滥用 is so confusing扑朔迷离.
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这也是为什么家庭暴力如此叫人困扰的原因之一。
02:53
I would have told you myself that I was the last person on Earth地球
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我原本以为世界上只有我一个人
02:57
who would stay with a man who beats节拍 me,
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会继续留在一个打我的男人身边,
02:59
but in fact事实 I was a very typical典型 victim受害者 because of my age年龄.
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但是事实上在我这个年龄段这种事情非常普遍。
03:03
I was 22, and in the United联合的 States状态,
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我当时22岁。而在美国,
03:06
women妇女 ages年龄 16 to 24 are three times as likely容易
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16至24岁的女性相比其他年龄段的女性
03:10
to be domestic国内 violence暴力 victims受害者
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受到家庭暴力伤害的可能性
03:13
as women妇女 of other ages年龄,
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要高出两倍以上。
03:15
and over 500 women妇女 and girls女孩 this age年龄
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同样在美国,每年有超过500位
03:19
are killed杀害 every一切 year by abusive滥用的 partners伙伴,
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妇女或女孩被施虐者杀害,
03:22
boyfriends男朋友, and husbands丈夫 in the United联合的 States状态.
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凶手是她们的男友,或者丈夫。
03:27
I was also a very typical典型 victim受害者 because I knew知道 nothing
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我是一个非常典型的受害者,
03:30
about domestic国内 violence暴力, its warning警告 signs迹象 or its patterns模式.
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还因为我家庭暴力的预兆和发展模式一无所知。
03:35
I met会见 Conor康纳尔 on a cold, rainy多雨的 January一月 night.
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我在一个雨夜遇见了康纳,那时是一月份,天很冷。
03:40
He satSAT next下一个 to me on the New York纽约 City subway地铁,
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我们在纽约的地铁上碰巧坐在一起,
03:43
and he started开始 chatting聊天的 me up.
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他先跟我聊了起来。
03:45
He told me two things.
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他告诉我两件事。
03:47
One was that he, too, had just graduated毕业 from an Ivy常春藤 League联盟 school学校,
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第一件是他也毕业于常春藤联盟学校,
03:50
and that he worked工作 at a very impressive有声有色 Wall Street bank银行.
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并且在一个非常好的华尔街银行工作。
03:55
But what made制作 the biggest最大 impression印象 on me that first meeting会议
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但是第一次见面给我留下最深印象的是
03:58
was that he was smart聪明 and funny滑稽
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他的智慧和幽默,
04:02
and he looked看着 like a farm农场 boy男孩.
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而他的外貌看起来像农场男孩。
04:03
He had these big cheeks脸颊, these big apple苹果 cheeks脸颊
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他的脸颊像大苹果一样红扑扑的
04:05
and this wheat-blond小麦 - 金发 hair头发,
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小麦色的金发,
04:07
and he seemed似乎 so sweet.
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看起来十分讨人喜欢。
04:10
One of the smartest最聪明的 things Conor康纳尔 did, from the very beginning开始,
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在初次交往中康纳做的最聪明的事情,
04:14
was to create创建 the illusion错觉 that I was the dominant优势 partner伙伴 in the relationship关系.
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是让我相信,在这段感情中我是强势的一方。
04:20
He did this especially特别 at the beginning开始
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尤其刚开始的时候,他让我觉得
04:22
by idolizing过度崇拜 me.
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我是他崇拜的偶像。
04:25
We started开始 dating约会, and he loved喜爱 everything about me,
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我们开始交往,他喜欢关于我的一切,
04:28
that I was smart聪明, that I'd gone走了 to Harvard哈佛,
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例如我的聪明,我在哈佛的求学经历,
04:30
that I was passionate多情 about helping帮助 teenage青少年 girls女孩, and my job工作.
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我给予青少年女性的热情帮助,以及我的工作。
04:33
He wanted to know everything about my family家庭
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他很愿意了解我的家庭、
04:35
and my childhood童年 and my hopes希望 and dreams.
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我的童年、我的愿望和梦想。
04:38
Conor康纳尔 believed相信 in me, as a writer作家 and a woman女人,
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康纳对我信任的程度,我身为一个女人和撰稿人,
04:42
in a way that no one else其他 ever had.
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之前从未没有在别人那里得到过。
04:45
And he also created创建 a magical神奇 atmosphere大气层 of trust相信 between之间 us
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通过透露他不为人知的秘密,他在我们之间营造了
04:50
by confessing忏悔 his secret秘密,
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奇特的相互信任的氛围。
04:52
which哪一个 was that, as a very young年轻 boy男孩 starting开始 at age年龄 four,
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他告诉我,他从四岁开始
04:57
he had been savagely野蛮 and repeatedly反复 physically物理 abused滥用
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他的继父就开始持续野蛮的
04:59
by his stepfather后爹,
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在身体上虐待他。
05:01
and the abuse滥用 had gotten得到 so bad that he had had to drop下降 out of school学校 in eighth第八 grade年级,
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虐待的结果是如此之坏,使得他不得不在八年级的时候辍学,
05:05
even though虽然 he was very smart聪明,
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尽管当时他十分的聪明。
05:08
and he'd他会 spent花费 almost几乎 20 years年份 rebuilding重建 his life.
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他花了几乎20年的时间重建他的生活。
05:11
Which哪一个 is why that Ivy常春藤 League联盟 degree
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这也就是为什么常春藤大学的学位,
05:14
and the Wall Street job工作 and his bright shiny闪亮 future未来
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华尔街的工作和光明的未来,
05:17
meant意味着 so much to him.
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对他意义重大。
05:20
If you had told me
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如果那时有人对我说
05:22
that this smart聪明, funny滑稽, sensitive敏感 man who adored崇拜 me
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这个聪明、幽默、体贴并喜欢我的男人
05:27
would one day dictate听写 whether是否 or not I wore穿着 makeup化妆,
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会有一天命令我是否化妆,
05:31
how short my skirts were,
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我的裙子能多短,
05:33
where I lived生活, what jobs工作 I took,
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我生活在哪,要做什么工作,
05:35
who my friends朋友 were and where I spent花费 Christmas圣诞,
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能和谁交朋友和在哪度过圣诞,
05:39
I would have laughed笑了 at you,
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我会嘲笑你,
05:41
because there was not a hint暗示 of violence暴力 or control控制
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因为我在康纳身上看不出一点暴力或者控制欲
05:44
or anger愤怒 in Conor康纳尔 at the beginning开始.
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或者愤怒的预兆。
05:47
I didn't know that the first stage阶段
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当时我并不知道,
05:50
in any domestic国内 violence暴力 relationship关系
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引诱和迷惑受害者是家庭暴力关系
05:53
is to seduce勾引 and charm魅力 the victim受害者.
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开始的第一步
05:56
I also didn't know that the second第二 step is to isolate隔离 the victim受害者.
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我当时也不知道,第二步是孤立受害者。
06:01
Now, Conor康纳尔 did not come home one day and announce宣布,
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康纳并不是回到家,向我宣布
06:05
"You know, hey, all this Romeo罗密欧 and Juliet朱丽叶 stuff东东 has been great,
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“嘿,虽然罗曼蒂克之类的很棒,
06:08
but I need to move移动 into the next下一个 phase
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但是我们要进入下一阶段了
06:10
where I isolate隔离 you and I abuse滥用 you" — (Laughter笑声) —
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我要孤立你然后虐待你。”(笑)
06:15
"so I need to get you out of this apartment公寓
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“所以我要你离开你自己的公寓,
06:16
where the neighbors邻居 can hear you scream惊叫
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防止你的邻居他听见你的惨叫,
06:18
and out of this city where you have friends朋友 and family家庭
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我还要让你离开这个有你的朋友、家人和同事的城市
06:20
and coworkers合作伙伴 who can see the bruises瘀伤."
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不然他们会看到你的伤痕。”
06:23
Instead代替, Conor康纳尔 came来了 home one Friday星期五 evening晚间
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事实是,康纳在一个周五的晚上回到家,
06:28
and he told me that he had quit放弃 his job工作 that day,
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告诉我他辞掉了他的工作,
06:30
his dream梦想 job工作,
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他梦寐以求的工作,
06:33
and he said that he had quit放弃 his job工作 because of me,
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他说他是因为我才辞职,
06:37
because I had made制作 him feel so safe安全 and loved喜爱
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我让他拥有了无比的幸福和安全感,
06:40
that he didn't need to prove证明 himself他自己 on Wall Street anymore,
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他再不需要到华尔街证明自己。
06:43
and he just wanted to get out of the city
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现在他只想离开这座城市,
06:46
and away from his abusive滥用的, dysfunctional功能失调 family家庭,
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原理那个充满虐待的、不正常的家庭,
06:49
and move移动 to a tiny town in New England英国
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搬到新英格兰的某个小镇
06:52
where he could start开始 his life over with me by his side.
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和我一起在那里开始新的生活。
06:55
Now, the last thing I wanted to do was leave离开 New York纽约,
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当时,我最不想做的就是离开纽约,
06:59
and my dream梦想 job工作,
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离开我热爱的工作,
07:03
but I thought you made制作 sacrifices牺牲 for your soulmate心心相印,
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但是为了自己灵魂伴侣,我想我需要做出牺牲。
07:05
so I agreed同意, and I quit放弃 my job工作,
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所以我同意了,辞掉了工作,
07:09
and Conor康纳尔 and I left Manhattan曼哈顿 together一起.
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跟康纳一起离开了曼哈顿。
07:12
I had no idea理念 I was falling落下 into crazy love,
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我以为自己陷入了疯狂的爱情,还不知道
07:16
that I was walking步行 headfirst冒失地 into a carefully小心 laid铺设
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我已经懵懂的走进了一张精心编织的
07:20
physical物理, financial金融 and psychological心理 trap陷阱.
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控制你身体、心灵和经济的陷阱。
07:25
The next下一个 step in the domestic国内 violence暴力 pattern模式
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家庭暴力模式的第三阶段
07:27
is to introduce介绍 the threat威胁 of violence暴力
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就是开始用暴力威胁(受害者)
07:31
and see how she reacts发生反应.
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并观察她的反应。
07:33
And here's这里的 where those guns枪炮 come in.
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这就是刚才(我拿出来的)枪的用途。
07:36
As soon不久 as we moved移动 to New England英国 -- you know,
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我们刚搬到新英格兰小镇
07:39
that place地点 where Connor康纳 was supposed应该 to feel so safe安全 --
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——我想,康纳应该是觉得这里很安全——
07:42
he bought three guns枪炮.
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他就买了三支枪。
07:44
He kept不停 one in the glove手套 compartment隔室 of our car汽车.
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一支放在车子的置物箱里,
07:48
He kept不停 one under the pillows枕头 on our bed,
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一支放在床的枕头下面,
07:50
and the third第三 one he kept不停 in his pocket口袋 at all times.
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第三支则一直放在口袋里。
07:53
And he said that he needed需要 those guns枪炮
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他说小时候的精神创伤
07:56
because of the trauma外伤 he'd他会 experienced有经验的 as a young年轻 boy男孩.
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使得他需要拥有这些枪
07:59
He needed需要 them to feel protected保护.
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来让他自己保持安全感。
08:01
But those guns枪炮 were really a message信息 for me,
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那些枪对我来说是一个明显的信号,
08:04
and even though虽然 he hadn't有没有 raised上调 a hand to me,
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尽管他并没有拿起枪指着我,
08:07
my life was already已经 in grave danger危险 every一切 minute分钟 of every一切 day.
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我已经无时不刻不处在危险的边缘。
08:12
Conor康纳尔 first physically物理 attacked袭击 me
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康纳第一次打我
08:16
five days before our wedding婚礼.
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是在我们婚礼的五天前。
08:19
It was 7 a.m. I still had on my nightgown睡衣.
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那是早上七点,我还穿着睡袍。
08:23
I was working加工 on my computer电脑 trying to finish a freelance自由职业者 writing写作 assignment分配,
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我正在用电脑工作,想要完成自由职业撰稿的任务,
08:27
and I got frustrated受挫,
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当时我有些烦躁,
08:29
and Conor康纳尔 used my anger愤怒 as an excuse借口
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康纳以我的愤怒为借口,
08:32
to put both of his hands around my neck颈部
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用双手掐住我的脖子,
08:35
and to squeeze so tightly紧紧 that I could not breathe呼吸 or scream惊叫,
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死死的掐着,让我无法呼吸,喊不出声。
08:39
and he used the chokehold锁喉
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他从背后勒着我的脖子
08:41
to hit击中 my head repeatedly反复 against反对 the wall.
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一次一次的把我的头往墙上撞。
08:45
Five days later后来, the ten bruises瘀伤 on my neck颈部 had just faded褪色,
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五天之后,脖子上的十个手指印刚消退,
08:51
and I put on my mother's母亲 wedding婚礼 dress连衣裙,
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我就穿上我妈妈的婚纱,
08:53
and I married已婚 him.
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嫁给了他。
08:55
Despite尽管 what had happened发生,
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尽管发生了那些事情,
08:58
I was sure we were going to live生活 happily高高兴兴 ever after,
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我还是相信我们以后能幸福的生活,
09:01
because I loved喜爱 him, and he loved喜爱 me so much.
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因为我们如此的相爱,也因为
09:05
And he was very, very sorry.
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他表现出的深深的悔意。
09:09
He had just been really stressed强调 out by the wedding婚礼
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他只是压力太大了,婚礼的筹备和
09:12
and by becoming变得 a family家庭 with me.
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我家庭成员的到来让他喘不过气。
09:14
It was an isolated孤立 incident事件,
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这是一个意外,
09:16
and he was never going to hurt伤害 me again.
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而他以后不会再伤害我。
09:19
It happened发生 twice两次 more on the honeymoon度蜜月.
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蜜月期间我又被打了两次。
09:22
The first time, I was driving主动 to find a secret秘密 beach海滩
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第一次,我驾车去寻找秘密的海滩
09:25
and I got lost丢失,
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我迷路了,
09:28
and he punched me in the side of my head so hard
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他(坐在副驾驶座上)不停的打我的头,打得如此的使劲
09:31
that the other side of my head repeatedly反复 hit击中
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以至于我的头不断的撞到
09:33
the driver's司机 side window窗口.
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驾驶座车门的玻璃。
09:35
And then a few少数 days later后来, driving主动 home from our honeymoon度蜜月,
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没过几天,过完蜜月开车回家的路上
09:39
he got frustrated受挫 by traffic交通,
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堵车让他很烦躁,
09:41
and he threw a cold Big Mac苹果电脑 in my face面对.
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他把一个冰冷的巨无霸砸在我的脸上。
09:44
Conor康纳尔 proceeded继续 to beat击败 me once一旦 or twice两次 a week
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在我跟康纳两年半的婚姻生活中,
09:47
for the next下一个 two and a half years年份 of our marriage婚姻.
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我每周都会被打一到两次。
09:50
I was mistaken错误 in thinking思维 that I was unique独特
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我曾经误以为只有我一个人
09:54
and alone单独 in this situation情况.
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有这样的遭遇。
09:56
One in three American美国 women妇女
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事实上,每三个美国女性中
09:58
experiences经验 domestic国内 violence暴力 or stalking盯梢 at some point in her life,
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就有一个曾是家庭暴力受害者或潜在的目标,
10:03
and the CDCCDC reports报告 that 15 million百万 children孩子
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而CDC的报告称每年有1500万的儿童
10:06
are abused滥用 every一切 year, 15 million百万.
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遭受虐待,1500万。
10:10
So actually其实, I was in very good company公司.
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所以事实上,我不是个例。
10:14
Back to my question:
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回到我的问题:
10:16
Why did I stay?
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为什么我要留下来了?
10:19
The answer回答 is easy简单.
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答案很简单。
10:22
I didn't know he was abusing滥用 me.
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我并不知道他是在虐待我。
10:24
Even though虽然 he held保持 those loaded guns枪炮 to my head,
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尽管他用上膛的枪指着我的头,
10:28
pushed me down stairs楼梯,
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把我推下楼梯,
10:30
threatened受威胁 to kill our dog,
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威胁杀掉我们的狗,
10:32
pulled the key out of the car汽车 ignition点火 as I drove开车 down the highway高速公路,
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在高速公路上拔掉车钥匙,
10:36
poured coffee咖啡 grinds研磨物 on my head
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在我为了面试而准备着装时
10:38
as I dressed连衣裙的 for a job工作 interview访问,
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把咖啡粉从我头上倒下来,
10:40
I never once一旦 thought of myself as a battered受虐 wife妻子.
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我从来没有想过自己是一个受到虐待的妻子。
10:45
Instead代替, I was a very strong强大 woman女人
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正好相反,我是一个很强硬的女性
10:48
in love with a deeply troubled苦恼 man,
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深爱着这个饱受困扰的男人,
10:51
and I was the only person on Earth地球
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而且我是这世上唯一一个
10:53
who could help Conor康纳尔 face面对 his demons恶魔.
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可以帮助康纳面对自己心魔的人。
10:56
The other question everybody每个人 asks is,
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大家都想问的另一个问题是,
11:00
why doesn't she just leave离开?
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为什么她不离开?
11:02
Why didn't I walk步行 out? I could have left any time.
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我为什么没有逃跑?我有很多的机会。
11:06
To me, this is the saddest最可悲 and most painful痛苦 question that people ask,
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对我来说,这是人们问过的最让我伤心和痛苦的问题,
11:11
because we victims受害者 know something you usually平时 don't:
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你不能理解,但是只有我们受害者自己清楚
11:14
It's incredibly令人难以置信 dangerous危险 to leave离开 an abuser施虐者.
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离开施虐者是多么的危险。
11:18
Because the final最后 step in the domestic国内 violence暴力 pattern模式
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因为在家庭暴力中的最后一步
11:22
is kill her.
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就是杀掉她。
11:25
Over 70 percent百分 of domestic国内 violence暴力 murders谋杀
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超过70%的家庭暴力谋杀
11:27
happen发生 after the victim受害者 has ended结束 the relationship关系,
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发生在受害者结束这段关系后,
11:31
after she's gotten得到 out,
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在她离开之后,
11:33
because then the abuser施虐者 has nothing left to lose失去.
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因为施虐者已经毫无顾忌。
11:36
Other outcomes结果 include包括 long-term长期 stalking盯梢,
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其他可能的结果包括长期的跟踪,
11:40
even after the abuser施虐者 remarries再婚;
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甚至施虐者再婚之后(仍会跟踪);
11:42
denial否认 of financial金融 resources资源;
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拒绝经济支持;
11:45
and manipulation操作 of the family家庭 court法庭 system系统
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欺骗家庭法庭
11:47
to terrify惊吓 the victim受害者 and her children孩子,
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来恐吓受害者和她的孩子。
11:50
who are regularly经常 forced被迫 by family家庭 court法庭 judges法官
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孩子们通常会被家庭问题法官要求
11:55
to spend unsupervised无监督 time
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和那个打他们母亲的男人
11:57
with the man who beat击败 their mother母亲.
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一起度过一段无人监管的时间。
12:00
And still we ask, why doesn't she just leave离开?
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现在我们仍然会问,她为什么不逃走?
12:05
I was able能够 to leave离开,
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我之所以决定离开,
12:06
because of one final最后, sadistic虐待狂 beating跳动
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是因为最后一次残暴的殴打
12:09
that broke打破 through通过 my denial否认.
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突破了我能承受的极限。
12:12
I realized实现 that the man who I loved喜爱 so much
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我意识到如果我不反抗,这个我曾
12:16
was going to kill me if I let him.
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深爱的男人会杀掉我。
12:18
So I broke打破 the silence安静.
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所以我打破了沉默。
12:21
I told everyone大家:
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我向所有人求助:
12:24
the police警察, my neighbors邻居,
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警察,邻居,
12:28
my friends朋友 and family家庭, total strangers陌生人,
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我的朋友和家人,完全陌生的人,
12:31
and I'm here today今天 because you all helped帮助 me.
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今天我能站在这里,因为你们每个人都帮助了我。
12:38
We tend趋向 to stereotype铅板 victims受害者
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我们倾向于将受害者描述成
12:41
as grisly吓人的 headlines新闻头条,
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作贱自己、轻浮的女人,
12:44
self-destructive自我毁灭 women妇女, damaged破损 goods产品.
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就像新闻中可怕的标题所言。
12:47
The question, "Why does she stay?"
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“为什么她要留下?” 问这个问题
12:50
is code for some people for, "It's her fault故障 for staying,"
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的一些人实际上在说,“这是她自己的错“,
12:56
as if victims受害者 intentionally故意地 choose选择 to fall秋季 in love with men男人
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就好像受害者是有意的和意图
12:59
intent意图 upon destroying销毁 us.
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摧残她们的男人相爱。
13:02
But since以来 publishing出版 "Crazy Love,"
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但”Crazy Love”这本书出版之后,
13:04
I have heard听说 hundreds数以百计 of stories故事 from men男人 and women妇女
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很多男人和女人跟我诉说了他们的故事
13:08
who also got out,
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他们也想告诉别人,
13:10
who learned学到了 an invaluable无价 life lesson from what happened发生,
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他们从发生的事情中学到了无价的一课,
13:15
and who rebuilt重建 lives生活 -- joyous欢乐, happy快乐 lives生活 --
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他们重新开始了生活——开心快乐的生活——
13:19
as employees雇员, wives妻子 and mothers母亲,
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作为员工、妻子和母亲,
13:21
lives生活 completely全然 free自由 of violence暴力, like me.
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就像我现在一样生活,远离暴力。
13:26
Because it turns out that I'm actually其实 a very typical典型 domestic国内 violence暴力 victim受害者
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实际上,我是典型的家庭暴力受害者,
13:30
and a typical典型 domestic国内 violence暴力 survivor幸存者.
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也是典型的家庭暴力幸存者。
13:33
I remarried再婚 a kind and gentle温和 man,
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我和一个温柔善良男人再次结婚,
13:37
and we have those three kids孩子.
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有了三个孩子。
13:40
I have that black黑色 lab实验室, and I have that minivan面包车.
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我养了一只黑色拉布拉多猎犬,开本田奥赛德面包车。
13:43
What I will never have again,
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而我永远不会再拥有的,
13:47
ever,
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永远
13:50
is a loaded gun held保持 to my head
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是一个嘴里说爱我的人用
13:52
by someone有人 who says that he loves me.
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上膛了的枪指着我的脑袋。
13:55
Right now, maybe you're thinking思维,
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此时此刻,你可能在想,
13:58
"Wow, this is fascinating迷人,"
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哇,这才神奇了,
14:00
or, "Wow, how stupid was she,"
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或者,“喔,她真蠢,”
14:03
but this whole整个 time, I've actually其实 been talking about you.
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但是在整个过程中,事实上,我在谈论的是你。
14:09
I promise诺言 you there are several一些 people
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我敢保证,现在正在听我说话的人中
14:12
listening to me right now
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有一些人
14:14
who are currently目前 being存在 abused滥用
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正遭受着虐待
14:17
or who were abused滥用 as children孩子
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或者曾经在小时候被虐待过
14:20
or who are abusers滥用者 themselves他们自己.
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或者你就是一个施虐者。
14:23
Abuse滥用 could be affecting影响 your daughter女儿,
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虐待可能正发生在你的女儿身上,
14:25
your sister妹妹, your best最好 friend朋友 right now.
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发生在你的姐妹、你最好的朋友身上。
14:30
I was able能够 to end结束 my own拥有 crazy love story故事
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我能够结束自己“疯狂的爱”的故事
14:34
by breaking破坏 the silence安静.
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靠的是打破沉默。
14:36
I'm still breaking破坏 the silence安静 today今天.
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今天我仍然在打破着沉默。
14:39
It's my way of helping帮助 other victims受害者,
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这是我帮助其他的受害者的方式,
14:42
and it's my final最后 request请求 of you.
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同时也是我对你们最后的请求。
14:46
Talk about what you heard听说 here.
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告诉别人你今天听到的。
14:49
Abuse滥用 thrives蓬勃发展 only in silence安静.
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虐待只能活在沉默中。
14:52
You have the power功率 to end结束 domestic国内 violence暴力
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你有能力制止家庭暴力
14:56
simply只是 by shining闪亮的 a spotlight聚光灯 on it.
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只需要点亮星星之火。
14:59
We victims受害者 need everyone大家.
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我们受害者需要每一个人的帮助。
15:02
We need every一切 one of you to understand理解
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我们需要你们每一个人理解
15:06
the secrets秘密 of domestic国内 violence暴力.
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家庭暴力的秘密。
15:10
Show显示 abuse滥用 the light of day by talking about it
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和你的孩子,你的同事,
15:13
with your children孩子, your coworkers合作伙伴,
283
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你的朋友和家人讨论这个话题,
15:15
your friends朋友 and family家庭.
284
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1937
将虐待曝之于光,
15:17
Recast重铸 survivors幸存者 as wonderful精彩, lovable可爱 people
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帮助幸存者重新找回美好、可爱的自己,
15:20
with full充分 futures期货.
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2815
重新拥有未来。
15:23
Recognize认识 the early signs迹象 of violence暴力
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3481
发现家庭暴力的预兆
15:27
and conscientiously切实 intervene干预,
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并认真的干预,
15:30
deescalate逐步降级 it, show显示 victims受害者 a safe安全 way out.
289
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4162
减少发生的可能性,给受害者提供安全的出路。
15:34
Together一起 we can make our beds,
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3995
让我们携起手来,
15:38
our dinner晚餐 tables and our families家庭
291
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让我们的床,我们餐桌和家庭
15:41
the safe安全 and peaceful平静的 oases绿洲 they should be.
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成为它们应该成为的安全、和平的绿洲。
15:45
Thank you.
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谢谢。
15:47
(Applause掌声)
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(鼓掌)
Translated by chen jh
Reviewed by Psycho Decoder

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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Leslie Morgan Steiner - Writer
Leslie Morgan Steiner is a writer and outspoken advocate for survivors of domestic violence -- which includes herself.

Why you should listen

Leslie Morgan Steiner is the author of Crazy Love, a memoir about her marriage to a man who routinely abused and threatened her. In it she describes the harrowing details that unfolded unexpectedly -- from the moment she met a warm, loving, infatuated man on the subway, to the moment he first laid a hand on her, when he grabbed her neck just days before their wedding. Steiner also edited Mommy Wars: Stay-at-Home and Career Moms Face Off on Their Choices, Their Lives, Their Families, a collection of essays by women struggling to balance motherhood and their careers.

Steiner received her MBA in marketing from Wharton School of Business and worked in marketing for Johnson & Johnson before transitioning to writing, as General Manager of the Washington Post Magazine. Steiner writes a weekly column called "Two Cents on Modern Motherhood," for the website Mommy Track’d, and she has just finished her third book, on the effect of fertility treatments on modern motherhood.

Read her thoughts about this TED Talk on CNN.com >>

More profile about the speaker
Leslie Morgan Steiner | Speaker | TED.com