ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Leslie Morgan Steiner - Writer
Leslie Morgan Steiner is a writer and outspoken advocate for survivors of domestic violence -- which includes herself.

Why you should listen

Leslie Morgan Steiner is the author of Crazy Love, a memoir about her marriage to a man who routinely abused and threatened her. In it she describes the harrowing details that unfolded unexpectedly -- from the moment she met a warm, loving, infatuated man on the subway, to the moment he first laid a hand on her, when he grabbed her neck just days before their wedding. Steiner also edited Mommy Wars: Stay-at-Home and Career Moms Face Off on Their Choices, Their Lives, Their Families, a collection of essays by women struggling to balance motherhood and their careers.

Steiner received her MBA in marketing from Wharton School of Business and worked in marketing for Johnson & Johnson before transitioning to writing, as General Manager of the Washington Post Magazine. Steiner writes a weekly column called "Two Cents on Modern Motherhood," for the website Mommy Track’d, and she has just finished her third book, on the effect of fertility treatments on modern motherhood.

Read her thoughts about this TED Talk on CNN.com >>

More profile about the speaker
Leslie Morgan Steiner | Speaker | TED.com
TEDxRainier

Leslie Morgan Steiner: Why domestic violence victims don't leave

Leslie Morgan Steiner: 為什麼家暴受害者不離開

Filmed:
5,800,883 views

Leslie Morgan Steiner 曾經陷入「瘋狂之愛」--和一位不停施暴和威脅她生命的男人陷入戀愛。Steiner 敘述了關於她感情的黑暗故事,矯正許多人對於家暴受害者的錯誤認知,並說明只要打破沉默,我們都可以幫助家暴受害者。(攝影於TEDxRainier)
- Writer
Leslie Morgan Steiner is a writer and outspoken advocate for survivors of domestic violence -- which includes herself. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:16
I'm here today今天 to talk about a disturbing煩擾的 question,
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我今天在這裡想談談一個令人不安的問題
00:19
which哪一個 has an equally一樣 disturbing煩擾的 answer回答.
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它有個同樣令人不安的答案
00:23
My topic話題 is the secrets秘密 of domestic國內 violence暴力,
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我的題目是家庭暴力的秘密
00:27
and the question I'm going to tackle滑車
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我將要談到的問題
00:29
is the one question everyone大家 always asks:
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每個人都在問:
00:33
Why does she stay?
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為什麼她要繼續留著?
00:35
Why would anyone任何人 stay with a man who beats節拍 her?
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為什麼會有人要留在打她的男人身邊?
00:39
I'm not a psychiatrist心理醫生, a social社會 worker工人
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我不是心理學家、社工
00:42
or an expert專家 in domestic國內 violence暴力.
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或家庭暴力的專家
00:44
I'm just one woman女人 with a story故事 to tell.
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我只是位有個故事可說的女性
00:47
I was 22. I had just graduated畢業 from Harvard哈佛 College學院.
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當年我22歲,剛從哈佛畢業
00:52
I had moved移動 to New York紐約 City for my first job工作
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我搬到紐約進行人生第一份工作
00:54
as a writer作家 and editor編輯 at Seventeen十七 magazine雜誌.
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是Seventeen雜誌(青少年雜誌)的作家和編輯
00:57
I had my first apartment公寓,
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我擁有我第一間公寓
01:00
my first little green綠色 American美國 Express表現 card,
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第一張信用卡
01:03
and I had a very big secret秘密.
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而且我個很大的秘密
01:06
My secret秘密 was that I had this gun
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我的秘密是,我曾經被這支槍
01:10
loaded with hollow-point空心點 bullets子彈 pointed at my head
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被我自認的靈魂伴侶
01:13
by the man who I thought was my soulmate心心相印,
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裝進中空彈並瞄準我的頭部
01:16
many許多, many許多 times.
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很多、很多次
01:19
The man who I loved喜愛 more than anybody任何人 on Earth地球
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我愛這個男人勝過地球上所有的人
01:23
held保持 a gun to my head and threatened受威脅 to kill me
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但他拿著槍抵著我的頭,威脅說要殺我
01:27
more times than I can even remember記得.
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次數多到我都數不清了
01:30
I'm here to tell you the story故事 of crazy love,
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我在這要告訴你「瘋狂之愛」的故事
01:33
a psychological心理 trap陷阱 disguised偽裝 as love,
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是心理的陷阱偽裝成愛
01:36
one that millions百萬 of women婦女 and even a few少數 men男人
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讓數百萬的女性甚至一些男性
01:39
fall秋季 into every一切 year.
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年年陷入不可自拔
01:41
It may可能 even be your story故事.
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這甚至可能也是你的故事
01:44
I don't look like a typical典型 domestic國內 violence暴力 survivor倖存者.
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我看起來不像一位典型的家暴生還者
01:47
I have a B.A. in English英語 from Harvard哈佛 College學院,
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我擁有哈佛大學英文系的學士學位
01:49
an MBAMBA in marketing營銷 from Wharton沃頓商學院 Business商業 School學校.
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華頓商學院的商業管理碩士學位
01:52
I've spent花費 most of my career事業 working加工 for Fortune幸運 500 companies公司
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我幾乎都在世界前500大的公司工作
01:55
including包含 Johnson約翰遜 & Johnson約翰遜, Leo獅子座 Burnett伯內特 and The Washington華盛頓 Post崗位.
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包括強生、李奧貝納和華盛頓郵報
01:59
I've been married已婚 for almost幾乎 20 years年份 to my second第二 husband丈夫
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我嫁給我第二任丈夫已快20年了
02:03
and we have three kids孩子 together一起.
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我們有三個小孩
02:06
My dog is a black黑色 lab實驗室, and I drive駕駛 a Honda本田 Odyssey奧德賽 minivan麵包車.
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有一隻黑拉不拉多犬
我開本田Odyssey小箱型車
02:10
(Laughter笑聲)
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(笑聲)
02:12
So my first message信息 for you is that domestic國內 violence暴力
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我要講的第一件事是
02:15
happens發生 to everyone大家 --
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家庭暴力會發生在所有人身上
02:18
all races比賽, all religions宗教, all income收入 and education教育 levels水平.
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所有種族、信仰、職業和教育程度
02:22
It's everywhere到處.
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它無所不在
02:24
And my second第二 message信息 is that everyone大家 thinks
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而我想讓大家思考的第二件事是
02:26
domestic國內 violence暴力 happens發生 to women婦女,
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大家都認為家庭暴力只發生在女性身上
02:28
that it's a women's女士的 issue問題.
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是件女性議題
02:31
Not exactly究竟.
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其實並不然
02:33
Over 85 percent百分 of abusers濫用者 are men男人, and domestic國內 abuse濫用
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超過百分之85的施暴者為男性
02:37
happens發生 only in intimate親密, interdependent相互依存, long-term長期 relationships關係,
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而家庭暴力只發生在親密、相互依存且長期的關係中
02:43
in other words, in families家庭,
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換句話說,是在家庭內
02:45
the last place地點 we would want or expect期望 to find violence暴力,
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是我們最不希望、或期待看到暴力的地方
02:49
which哪一個 is one reason原因 domestic國內 abuse濫用 is so confusing撲朔迷離.
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這也是家庭暴力令人困惑的地方
02:53
I would have told you myself that I was the last person on Earth地球
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我很想告訴你,我是世界上最不可能
02:57
who would stay with a man who beats節拍 me,
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在先生打我時還留在他身邊的人
02:59
but in fact事實 I was a very typical典型 victim受害者 because of my age年齡.
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但事實上,由於我的年紀,我是位典型的受害者
03:03
I was 22, and in the United聯合的 States狀態,
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我當時22歲,而在美國
03:06
women婦女 ages年齡 16 to 24 are three times as likely容易
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16到24歲的女性成為家暴受害者的機率
03:10
to be domestic國內 violence暴力 victims受害者
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是其它年紀的女性的三倍
03:13
as women婦女 of other ages年齡,
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是其他年紀的女性的三倍
03:15
and over 500 women婦女 and girls女孩 this age年齡
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這個年齡中,美國每年有超過500位的女性
03:19
are killed殺害 every一切 year by abusive濫用的 partners夥伴,
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被暴力的伴侶、男朋友或丈夫殺害
03:22
boyfriends男朋友, and husbands丈夫 in the United聯合的 States狀態.
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被暴力的伴侶、男朋友或丈夫殺害
03:27
I was also a very typical典型 victim受害者 because I knew知道 nothing
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我成為典型的受害者也因為
03:30
about domestic國內 violence暴力, its warning警告 signs跡象 or its patterns模式.
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我對家庭暴力的警訊和模式一無所知
03:35
I met會見 Conor康納爾 on a cold, rainy多雨的 January一月 night.
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我在濕冷的一月夜晚遇見康納
03:40
He satSAT next下一個 to me on the New York紐約 City subway地鐵,
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他在紐約地下鐵坐在我旁邊
03:43
and he started開始 chatting聊天的 me up.
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並開始與我閒聊
03:45
He told me two things.
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他告訴我兩件事
03:47
One was that he, too, had just graduated畢業 from an Ivy常春藤 League聯盟 school學校,
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第一,他也才剛從長春藤盟校畢業
03:50
and that he worked工作 at a very impressive有聲有色 Wall Street bank銀行.
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他在華爾街一家極知名的銀行上班
03:55
But what made製作 the biggest最大 impression印象 on me that first meeting會議
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但讓我在這第一次會面裡最印象深刻的是
03:58
was that he was smart聰明 and funny滑稽
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他很聰明且幽默
04:02
and he looked看著 like a farm農場 boy男孩.
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他看起來很純樸
04:03
He had these big cheeks臉頰, these big apple蘋果 cheeks臉頰
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他有著圓通通的紅臉頰
04:05
and this wheat-blond小麥 - 金發 hair頭髮,
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褐黃色頭髮
04:07
and he seemed似乎 so sweet.
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他看起來也很窩心
04:10
One of the smartest最聰明的 things Conor康納爾 did, from the very beginning開始,
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從一開始,康納做得最聰明的一件事
04:14
was to create創建 the illusion錯覺 that I was the dominant優勢 partner夥伴 in the relationship關係.
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是創造出一個假象
讓我成為這感情中的主導者
04:20
He did this especially特別 at the beginning開始
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為達到這個目的,自一開始
04:22
by idolizing過度崇拜 me.
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他就特別的崇拜我
04:25
We started開始 dating約會, and he loved喜愛 everything about me,
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我們開始約會,他喜歡我的一切
04:28
that I was smart聰明, that I'd gone走了 to Harvard哈佛,
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他覺得我很聰明、我讀過哈佛
04:30
that I was passionate多情 about helping幫助 teenage青少年 girls女孩, and my job工作.
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我對於幫助青少年女性和工作都很有熱情
04:33
He wanted to know everything about my family家庭
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他想知道關於我家庭的一切
04:35
and my childhood童年 and my hopes希望 and dreams.
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我的童年,對未來的希望與夢想
04:38
Conor康納爾 believed相信 in me, as a writer作家 and a woman女人,
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身為一位作家和女性,康納對我的信任
是所有人中前所未有的
04:42
in a way that no one else其他 ever had.
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身為一位作家和女性,康納對我的信任
是所有人中前所未有的
04:45
And he also created創建 a magical神奇 atmosphere大氣層 of trust相信 between之間 us
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他也透過傾訴秘密
創造出一種彼此信任的神奇氛圍
04:50
by confessing懺悔 his secret秘密,
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他也透過傾訴秘密
創造出一種彼此信任的神奇氛圍
04:52
which哪一個 was that, as a very young年輕 boy男孩 starting開始 at age年齡 four,
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他說他從很小,四歲開始
04:57
he had been savagely野蠻 and repeatedly反复 physically物理 abused濫用
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他就被他的繼父狠毒地一再施暴
04:59
by his stepfather後爹,
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他就被他的繼父狠毒地一再施暴
05:01
and the abuse濫用 had gotten得到 so bad that he had had to drop下降 out of school學校 in eighth第八 grade年級,
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這情況嚴重到他在八年級時必須輟學
05:05
even though雖然 he was very smart聰明,
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即使他很聰明
05:08
and he'd他會 spent花費 almost幾乎 20 years年份 rebuilding重建 his life.
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他說他花了近20年重建人生
05:11
Which哪一個 is why that Ivy常春藤 League聯盟 degree
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這也是為什麼長春藤盟校
05:14
and the Wall Street job工作 and his bright shiny閃亮 future未來
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華爾街的工作和前程似錦的未來
05:17
meant意味著 so much to him.
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對他而言十分重要
05:20
If you had told me
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如果當時有人告訴我
05:22
that this smart聰明, funny滑稽, sensitive敏感 man who adored崇拜 me
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這位聰明、幽默、體貼並愛慕我的男人
05:27
would one day dictate聽寫 whether是否 or not I wore穿著 makeup化妝,
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有一天會主宰我是否要化妝
05:31
how short my skirts were,
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穿多短的裙子
05:33
where I lived生活, what jobs工作 I took,
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住哪裡、做什麼工作
05:35
who my friends朋友 were and where I spent花費 Christmas聖誕,
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我的朋友是誰、我要在哪過聖誕節
05:39
I would have laughed笑了 at you,
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我會笑你
05:41
because there was not a hint暗示 of violence暴力 or control控制
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因為從一開始
康納根本就沒有暴力、控制、或暴怒的跡象
05:44
or anger憤怒 in Conor康納爾 at the beginning開始.
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因為從一開始
康納根本就沒有暴力、控制、或暴怒的跡象
05:47
I didn't know that the first stage階段
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我並不曉得在任何家暴的第一步
05:50
in any domestic國內 violence暴力 relationship關係
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我並不曉得在任何家暴的第一步
05:53
is to seduce勾引 and charm魅力 the victim受害者.
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是要引誘並吸引受害者
05:56
I also didn't know that the second第二 step is to isolate隔離 the victim受害者.
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我也不曉得第二步是要孤立受害者
06:01
Now, Conor康納爾 did not come home one day and announce宣布,
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康納當然沒有突然某天回家宣布
06:05
"You know, hey, all this Romeo羅密歐 and Juliet朱麗葉 stuff東東 has been great,
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"嘿!這場羅密歐與茱麗葉的戀愛很棒
06:08
but I need to move移動 into the next下一個 phase
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但我必須向下一步邁進
06:10
where I isolate隔離 you and I abuse濫用 you" — (Laughter笑聲) —
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我必須孤立你並施暴於你"
(笑聲)
06:15
"so I need to get you out of this apartment公寓
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"所以我必須要讓你遷出這間公寓
06:16
where the neighbors鄰居 can hear you scream驚叫
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因為鄰居會聽見你的尖叫
06:18
and out of this city where you have friends朋友 and family家庭
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也要搬出這城市,這樣你的朋友、家人和同事
06:20
and coworkers合作夥伴 who can see the bruises瘀傷."
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才看不到你身上的瘀青"
06:23
Instead代替, Conor康納爾 came來了 home one Friday星期五 evening晚間
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某周五晚上康納回家後
06:28
and he told me that he had quit放棄 his job工作 that day,
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告訴我他那天辭掉了他的夢想工作
06:30
his dream夢想 job工作,
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告訴我他那天辭掉了他的夢想工作
06:33
and he said that he had quit放棄 his job工作 because of me,
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他說他辭職是因為我的緣故
06:37
because I had made製作 him feel so safe安全 and loved喜愛
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因為我讓他感到安全並且被愛
06:40
that he didn't need to prove證明 himself他自己 on Wall Street anymore,
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他不需要再到華爾街去證明自己的能力
06:43
and he just wanted to get out of the city
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他只想要離開這個城市
06:46
and away from his abusive濫用的, dysfunctional功能失調 family家庭,
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遠離他暴力的、不正常的原生家庭
06:49
and move移動 to a tiny town in New England英國
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搬到新英格蘭的小鎮
06:52
where he could start開始 his life over with me by his side.
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在那裡與我一起開始他的新生活
06:55
Now, the last thing I wanted to do was leave離開 New York紐約,
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當時,我壓根不想搬離紐約並辭掉我的夢想工作
06:59
and my dream夢想 job工作,
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當時,我壓根不想搬離紐約並辭掉我的夢想工作
07:03
but I thought you made製作 sacrifices犧牲 for your soulmate心心相印,
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但我想,人會為了靈魂伴侶而做出犧牲
07:05
so I agreed約定, and I quit放棄 my job工作,
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所以我同意了,我辭掉我的工作
07:09
and Conor康納爾 and I left Manhattan曼哈頓 together一起.
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而康納和我一起離開曼哈頓
07:12
I had no idea理念 I was falling落下 into crazy love,
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我一點也不曉得我正陷入瘋狂之愛
07:16
that I was walking步行 headfirst冒失地 into a carefully小心 laid鋪設
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我正一頭栽進一個經過小心盤算
07:20
physical物理, financial金融 and psychological心理 trap陷阱.
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是身體、財務與心理的陷阱
07:25
The next下一個 step in the domestic國內 violence暴力 pattern模式
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家庭暴力模式中的下一步
07:27
is to introduce介紹 the threat威脅 of violence暴力
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是引入暴力的威脅
07:31
and see how she reacts發生反應.
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並觀察女性的反應
07:33
And here's這裡的 where those guns槍砲 come in.
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槍就是在這時出現的
07:36
As soon不久 as we moved移動 to New England英國 -- you know,
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當我們一搬到新英格蘭
07:39
that place地點 where Connor康納 was supposed應該 to feel so safe安全 --
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一個康納應該要感到十分安全的地方
07:42
he bought three guns槍砲.
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他買了三把槍
07:44
He kept不停 one in the glove手套 compartment隔室 of our car汽車.
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他把一把放在車子前側的置物櫃
07:48
He kept不停 one under the pillows枕頭 on our bed,
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一把放在我們床上枕頭的下面
07:50
and the third第三 one he kept不停 in his pocket口袋 at all times.
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第三把放在口袋裡隨身攜帶
07:53
And he said that he needed需要 those guns槍砲
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他說他需要這些槍
07:56
because of the trauma外傷 he'd他會 experienced有經驗的 as a young年輕 boy男孩.
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是因為他童年時經歷的創傷
07:59
He needed需要 them to feel protected保護.
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他需要它們才能感到受到保護
08:01
But those guns槍砲 were really a message信息 for me,
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但那些槍其實對我是件警訊
08:04
and even though雖然 he hadn't有沒有 raised上調 a hand to me,
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即使他從沒對我動手
08:07
my life was already已經 in grave danger危險 every一切 minute分鐘 of every一切 day.
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每時每刻,我的生命已經充滿危機
08:12
Conor康納爾 first physically物理 attacked襲擊 me
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康納第一次對我肢體攻擊
08:16
five days before our wedding婚禮.
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是在婚禮前五天
08:19
It was 7 a.m. I still had on my nightgown睡衣.
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那時是早上7點,我還穿著睡衣
08:23
I was working加工 on my computer電腦 trying to finish a freelance自由職業者 writing寫作 assignment分配,
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我在電腦前工作,試著完成一份寫作的案子
08:27
and I got frustrated受挫,
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我那時有些沮喪
08:29
and Conor康納爾 used my anger憤怒 as an excuse藉口
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康納拿我的憤怒做為藉口
08:32
to put both of his hands around my neck頸部
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將他雙手掐住我的頸部
08:35
and to squeeze so tightly緊緊 that I could not breathe呼吸 or scream驚叫,
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掐得很用力以至於我不能呼吸或尖叫
08:39
and he used the chokehold鎖喉
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他勒著我脖子
08:41
to hit擊中 my head repeatedly反复 against反對 the wall.
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抓著我的頭去不斷撞牆
08:45
Five days later後來, the ten bruises瘀傷 on my neck頸部 had just faded褪色,
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五天後,我脖子上的十隻指印已散去
08:51
and I put on my mother's母親 wedding婚禮 dress連衣裙,
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我穿上我母親的婚紗
08:53
and I married已婚 him.
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嫁給了他
08:55
Despite儘管 what had happened發生,
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即使發生了那件事
08:58
I was sure we were going to live生活 happily高高興興 ever after,
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我當時相信我們仍會過著幸福快樂的日子
09:01
because I loved喜愛 him, and he loved喜愛 me so much.
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因為我愛他,他也深愛著我
09:05
And he was very, very sorry.
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而且他也非常、非常後悔
09:09
He had just been really stressed強調 out by the wedding婚禮
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他只是因為婚禮和跟我共組家庭而備感壓力
09:12
and by becoming變得 a family家庭 with me.
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他只是因為婚禮和跟我共組家庭而備感壓力
09:14
It was an isolated孤立 incident事件,
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這是單一個案
09:16
and he was never going to hurt傷害 me again.
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他不會再傷害我
09:19
It happened發生 twice兩次 more on the honeymoon度蜜月.
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這樣的事情在蜜月又發生了兩次
09:22
The first time, I was driving主動 to find a secret秘密 beach海灘
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第一次,我正在開車找尋秘密海灘
09:25
and I got lost丟失,
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我迷路了
09:28
and he punched me in the side of my head so hard
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他用力地揍我的側邊頭部
09:31
that the other side of my head repeatedly反复 hit擊中
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用力到我另一邊的頭不斷的撞擊駕駛側的車窗
09:33
the driver's司機 side window窗口.
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用力到我另一邊的頭不斷的撞擊駕駛側的車窗
09:35
And then a few少數 days later後來, driving主動 home from our honeymoon度蜜月,
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幾天之後,從蜜月開車回來時
09:39
he got frustrated受挫 by traffic交通,
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他又因為塞車而生氣
09:41
and he threw a cold Big Mac蘋果電腦 in my face面對.
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把冷掉的大麥克堡往我臉上丟
09:44
Conor康納爾 proceeded繼續 to beat擊敗 me once一旦 or twice兩次 a week
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在我們接下來兩年半的婚姻中
09:47
for the next下一個 two and a half years年份 of our marriage婚姻.
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康納持續的以一週一或兩次的頻率打我
09:50
I was mistaken錯誤 in thinking思維 that I was unique獨特
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我當時誤以為我是特例並孤單無援
09:54
and alone單獨 in this situation情況.
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我當時誤以為我是特例並孤單無援
09:56
One in three American美國 women婦女
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三位美國女性的其中一位
09:58
experiences經驗 domestic國內 violence暴力 or stalking盯梢 at some point in her life,
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在生命中會經歷過家暴或被跟蹤
10:03
and the CDCCDC reports報告 that 15 million百萬 children孩子
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疾管處的報告指出每年有1,500萬名兒童受虐
1,500萬名啊
10:06
are abused濫用 every一切 year, 15 million百萬.
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疾管處的報告指出每年有1,500萬名兒童受虐
1,500萬名啊
10:10
So actually其實, I was in very good company公司.
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所以我其實並不孤單
10:14
Back to my question:
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回到我的問題
10:16
Why did I stay?
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為何我仍然留下來?
10:19
The answer回答 is easy簡單.
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答案很簡單
10:22
I didn't know he was abusing濫用 me.
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我並不知道他在對我施暴
10:24
Even though雖然 he held保持 those loaded guns槍砲 to my head,
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即使他拿著那些裝上子彈的槍對著我的頭
10:28
pushed me down stairs樓梯,
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把我推下樓梯
10:30
threatened受威脅 to kill our dog,
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威脅要殺我們的狗
10:32
pulled the key out of the car汽車 ignition點火 as I drove開車 down the highway高速公路,
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在我開高速公路時把車鑰匙拔下
10:36
poured coffee咖啡 grinds研磨物 on my head
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當我正在為工作面試而打扮時
10:38
as I dressed連衣裙的 for a job工作 interview訪問,
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把咖啡渣倒在我頭上
10:40
I never once一旦 thought of myself as a battered受虐 wife妻子.
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我從來不認為我是位受折磨的妻子
10:45
Instead代替, I was a very strong強大 woman女人
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反而,我認為我是位堅強的女性
10:48
in love with a deeply troubled苦惱 man,
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與一位大有問題的男人相愛
10:51
and I was the only person on Earth地球
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而我是世界上唯一可以幫助康納解決問題
回到正軌的人
10:53
who could help Conor康納爾 face面對 his demons惡魔.
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而我是世界上唯一可以幫助康納解決問題
回到正軌的人
10:56
The other question everybody每個人 asks is,
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另一個大家都會問的問題是
11:00
why doesn't she just leave離開?
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為什麼她不離開?
11:02
Why didn't I walk步行 out? I could have left any time.
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為什麼我仍留著?我隨時都可以走啊
11:06
To me, this is the saddest最可悲 and most painful痛苦 question that people ask,
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對我而言,這是人們所問最令我最悲傷、痛苦的問題
11:11
because we victims受害者 know something you usually平時 don't:
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因為我們受害者知道一些你們通常不了解的事:
11:14
It's incredibly令人難以置信 dangerous危險 to leave離開 an abuser施虐者.
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離開施暴者是件非常危險的事
11:18
Because the final最後 step in the domestic國內 violence暴力 pattern模式
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因為家暴模式中的最後一步
11:22
is kill her.
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是殺害被害者
11:25
Over 70 percent百分 of domestic國內 violence暴力 murders謀殺
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超過百分之70的家暴謀殺案
11:27
happen發生 after the victim受害者 has ended結束 the relationship關係,
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發生在受害者決定結束雙方關係之後
11:31
after she's gotten得到 out,
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是在她離開之後
11:33
because then the abuser施虐者 has nothing left to lose失去.
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因為加害者此時已無所顧忌
11:36
Other outcomes結果 include包括 long-term長期 stalking盯梢,
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離開後另外的結果包括長期跟蹤
11:40
even after the abuser施虐者 remarries再婚;
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即使加害者已再婚
11:42
denial否認 of financial金融 resources資源;
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或斷絕財務資源
11:45
and manipulation操作 of the family家庭 court法庭 system系統
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以及操弄家庭法庭制度
11:47
to terrify驚嚇 the victim受害者 and her children孩子,
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讓被害者及其子女感到恐懼
11:50
who are regularly經常 forced被迫 by family家庭 court法庭 judges法官
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因為家庭法官經常會強迫這些子女
11:55
to spend unsupervised無監督 time
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在沒有監控的情形下
11:57
with the man who beat擊敗 their mother母親.
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與毆打他們母親的加害者共處
12:00
And still we ask, why doesn't she just leave離開?
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但我們仍然會問,為什麼她不離開?
12:05
I was able能夠 to leave離開,
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我最後終於離開
12:06
because of one final最後, sadistic虐待狂 beating跳動
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是因為最後一場殘暴的毆打
12:09
that broke打破 through通過 my denial否認.
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讓我再也無法自我否認
12:12
I realized實現 that the man who I loved喜愛 so much
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我了解我若不採取手段
12:16
was going to kill me if I let him.
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這位我所深愛的男人將會殺害我
12:18
So I broke打破 the silence安靜.
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所以我打破沉默
12:21
I told everyone大家:
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我告訴所有人
12:24
the police警察, my neighbors鄰居,
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警察、鄰居
12:28
my friends朋友 and family家庭, total strangers陌生人,
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朋友、家人和陌生人
12:31
and I'm here today今天 because you all helped幫助 me.
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我現在之所以能在這裡,是因為你們都幫助過我
12:38
We tend趨向 to stereotype鉛板 victims受害者
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我們對受害者常有刻板印象
12:41
as grisly嚇人的 headlines新聞頭條,
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像是驚悚的頭條新聞
12:44
self-destructive自我毀滅 women婦女, damaged破損 goods產品.
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自我毀滅性的女性或像被毀壞的物品
12:47
The question, "Why does she stay?"
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這個問題:為什麼她仍留著?
12:50
is code for some people for, "It's her fault故障 for staying,"
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對某些人有這層含意:她留著是她的錯
12:56
as if victims受害者 intentionally故意地 choose選擇 to fall秋季 in love with men男人
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好像受害者故意選擇與意欲要傷害人的男人戀愛
12:59
intent意圖 upon destroying銷毀 us.
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好像受害者故意選擇與意欲要傷害人的男人戀愛
13:02
But since以來 publishing出版 "Crazy Love,"
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但自從出版《瘋狂之愛》後
13:04
I have heard聽說 hundreds數以百計 of stories故事 from men男人 and women婦女
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我聽到了上百個男人或女人的故事
13:08
who also got out,
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他們也離開家暴
13:10
who learned學到了 an invaluable無價 life lesson from what happened發生,
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從這件事中學到寶貴的生命教訓
13:15
and who rebuilt重建 lives生活 -- joyous歡樂, happy快樂 lives生活 --
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並重建快樂、美滿的人生
13:19
as employees僱員, wives妻子 and mothers母親,
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成為職員、妻子和母親
13:21
lives生活 completely全然 free自由 of violence暴力, like me.
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再也不受暴力威脅,像我一樣
13:26
Because it turns out that I'm actually其實 a very typical典型 domestic國內 violence暴力 victim受害者
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由於我是個典型的家暴受害者
13:30
and a typical典型 domestic國內 violence暴力 survivor倖存者.
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也是典型的家暴生還者
13:33
I remarried再婚 a kind and gentle溫和 man,
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我後來嫁給了一位善良且溫柔的男人
13:37
and we have those three kids孩子.
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我們有三個小孩
13:40
I have that black黑色 lab實驗室, and I have that minivan麵包車.
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我有黑拉不拉多犬、和小廂型車
13:43
What I will never have again,
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而我再也不會碰上的
13:47
ever,
256
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永遠不會
13:50
is a loaded gun held保持 to my head
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是被嘴上說愛我的男人
拿著一把裝了子彈的槍並抵著我頭部
13:52
by someone有人 who says that he loves me.
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是被嘴上說愛我的男人
拿著一把裝了子彈的槍並抵著我頭部
13:55
Right now, maybe you're thinking思維,
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現在,也許你在想
13:58
"Wow, this is fascinating迷人,"
260
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1907
"哇!好棒"
14:00
or, "Wow, how stupid was she,"
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或"哇!她以前真是愚蠢"
14:03
but this whole整個 time, I've actually其實 been talking about you.
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但自始至終,我其實是在說你
14:09
I promise諾言 you there are several一些 people
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我向你保證,現在有許多的聽眾
14:12
listening to me right now
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我向你保證,現在有許多的聽眾
14:14
who are currently目前 being存在 abused濫用
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正在被家暴
14:17
or who were abused濫用 as children孩子
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或幼年曾經被施暴
14:20
or who are abusers濫用者 themselves他們自己.
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或他們自己是施暴者
14:23
Abuse濫用 could be affecting影響 your daughter女兒,
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家暴可能正在影響你的女兒
14:25
your sister妹妹, your best最好 friend朋友 right now.
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姊妹、最好的朋友
14:30
I was able能夠 to end結束 my own擁有 crazy love story故事
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我以打破沉默來結束我瘋狂之愛的故事
14:34
by breaking破壞 the silence安靜.
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我以打破沉默來結束我瘋狂之愛的故事
14:36
I'm still breaking破壞 the silence安靜 today今天.
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我至今仍然持續地打破沉默
14:39
It's my way of helping幫助 other victims受害者,
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這是我幫助受害者的方式
14:42
and it's my final最後 request請求 of you.
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而這是我對你們的最後的要求
14:46
Talk about what you heard聽說 here.
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把你們今天聽到的故事告訴別人
14:49
Abuse濫用 thrives蓬勃發展 only in silence安靜.
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沉默只會助長暴力
14:52
You have the power功率 to end結束 domestic國內 violence暴力
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若你能讓家暴曝光
14:56
simply只是 by shining閃亮的 a spotlight聚光燈 on it.
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就有能力結束家暴
14:59
We victims受害者 need everyone大家.
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我們受害者需要每個人
15:02
We need every一切 one of you to understand理解
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我們需要你們了解
15:06
the secrets秘密 of domestic國內 violence暴力.
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家庭暴力的秘密
15:10
Show顯示 abuse濫用 the light of day by talking about it
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透過談論家暴以讓大家了解
15:13
with your children孩子, your coworkers合作夥伴,
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與你的孩子、同事
15:15
your friends朋友 and family家庭.
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朋友和家庭談談
15:17
Recast重鑄 survivors倖存者 as wonderful精彩, lovable可愛 people
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重新讓生還者有個美滿、討人喜愛的形象
15:20
with full充分 futures期貨.
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並有燦爛的未來
15:23
Recognize認識 the early signs跡象 of violence暴力
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了解家暴早期的徵兆
15:27
and conscientiously切實 intervene干預,
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並持續地介入
15:30
deescalate逐步降級 it, show顯示 victims受害者 a safe安全 way out.
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降低危險並讓受害者知道有安全離開的餘地
15:34
Together一起 we can make our beds,
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若我們一起努力,可以讓我們的床
15:38
our dinner晚餐 tables and our families家庭
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晚餐桌和家庭
15:41
the safe安全 and peaceful平靜的 oases綠洲 they should be.
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成為安全、安祥的綠洲
15:45
Thank you.
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謝謝
15:47
(Applause掌聲)
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(掌聲)
Translated by Gina Wang
Reviewed by Anny Chung

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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Leslie Morgan Steiner - Writer
Leslie Morgan Steiner is a writer and outspoken advocate for survivors of domestic violence -- which includes herself.

Why you should listen

Leslie Morgan Steiner is the author of Crazy Love, a memoir about her marriage to a man who routinely abused and threatened her. In it she describes the harrowing details that unfolded unexpectedly -- from the moment she met a warm, loving, infatuated man on the subway, to the moment he first laid a hand on her, when he grabbed her neck just days before their wedding. Steiner also edited Mommy Wars: Stay-at-Home and Career Moms Face Off on Their Choices, Their Lives, Their Families, a collection of essays by women struggling to balance motherhood and their careers.

Steiner received her MBA in marketing from Wharton School of Business and worked in marketing for Johnson & Johnson before transitioning to writing, as General Manager of the Washington Post Magazine. Steiner writes a weekly column called "Two Cents on Modern Motherhood," for the website Mommy Track’d, and she has just finished her third book, on the effect of fertility treatments on modern motherhood.

Read her thoughts about this TED Talk on CNN.com >>

More profile about the speaker
Leslie Morgan Steiner | Speaker | TED.com