TEDxAmericanRiviera
Jenna McCarthy: What you don't know about marriage
珍娜-麥克加西：你所唔知道嘅婚姻
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喺呢個幽默而有趣嘅TEDx Talk裏面，作家珍娜-麥克加西會分享佢對婚姻嘅一項令人耳目一新嘅研究（特別系成功嘅婚姻關係）。提示：千奇唔好贏奧斯卡最佳女主角獎。
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:15
Every year in the United States alone,
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每一年淨喺美國，
00:18
2,077,000 couples
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就有2,077,000對新人
00:21
make a legal and spiritual decision
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作出法律同信仰嘅承諾
00:24
to spend the rest of their lives together ...
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就系同另一半一齊度過一生一世。。。
00:28
(Laughter)
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（臺下笑聲）
00:30
and not to have sex with anyone else,
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同不再同其他人上床，
00:33
ever.
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絕對唔會。
00:36
He buys a ring, she buys a dress.
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男嘅就買戒指，女嘅就揀好婚紗。
00:39
They go shopping
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兩個人一齊買嘢
00:41
for all sorts of things.
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一齊做好多嘢。
00:43
She takes him to Arthur Murray
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女方會帶男方到舞蹈會所
00:45
for ballroom dancing lessons.
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一齊學社交舞。
00:48
And the big day comes.
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最後大日子降臨。
00:50
And they'll stand before God and family
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同埋佢地一齊系神同家人
00:53
and some guy her dad once did business with,
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仲有女方爸爸以往嘅工作夥伴，
00:56
and they'll vow that nothing,
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跟住佢地一齊發誓
00:58
not abject poverty,
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唔會有任何貧窮
01:00
not life-threatening illness,
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唔會有任何絕症，
01:03
not complete and utter misery
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唔會有任何不幸
01:06
will ever put the tiniest damper
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可以阻擋男女雙方
01:09
on their eternal love and devotion.
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永恆，相互嘅愛與承諾。
01:11
(Laughter)
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（臺下笑聲）
01:13
These optimistic young bastards
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呢D天真嘅靚仔靚妹
01:15
promise to honor and cherish each other
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應承成為眷屬
01:17
through hot flashes
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從熱戀
01:19
and mid-life crises
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到中年危機
01:22
and a cumulative 50-lb. weight gain,
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仲有肥咗50磅，
01:25
until that far-off day
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直至久遠
01:28
when one of them is finally able
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其中一個終於
01:30
to rest in peace.
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安息。
01:33
You know, because they can't hear the snoring anymore.
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你知嘅，因為佢地唔可以再忍受對方嘅鼻鼾聲。
01:36
And then they'll get stupid drunk
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婚禮當日佢地會變成醉貓
01:38
and smash cake in each others' faces and do the "Macarena,"
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仲會向對方嘅面擲蛋糕以及一齊跳“Marcarena,”
01:41
and we'll be there
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而我哋所有朋友會企系一邊
01:43
showering them with towels and toasters
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向佢地一齊開禮炮噴香檳
01:45
and drinking their free booze
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然後飲免費喜酒
01:47
and throwing birdseed at them
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仲有祝一對新人百年好合
01:49
every single time --
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重複一次又一次
01:51
even though we know,
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幾乎我哋都會知道，
01:53
statistically,
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根據統計，
01:55
half of them will be divorced within a decade.
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呢批新人之中至少會有一半會系一年內離婚。
01:58
(Laughter)
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（臺下笑聲）
02:01
Of course, the other half won't, right?
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當然，另外半數嘅新人不會，啱不啱？
02:03
They'll keep forgetting anniversaries
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佢地會唔記得結婚週年紀念日
02:06
and arguing about where to spend holidays
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仲會為咗去邊度度假起爭執
02:09
and debating which way
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以及爭論究竟要將
02:11
the toilet paper
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廁紙卷
02:13
should come off of the roll.
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向上啦或者向下拉。
02:15
And some of them
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但系有一部分夫妻
02:17
will even still be enjoying each others' company
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會繼續相敬如賓
02:21
when neither of them can chew solid food anymore.
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直至佢地任何一位再都唔可以嚼硬嘢。
02:24
And researchers want to know why.
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研究員想知道佢地點樣可以做到。
02:27
I mean, look, it doesn't take a double-blind, placebo-controlled study
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我嘅意思系，呢不需要做雙盲或者假藥效應嘅研究
02:30
to figure out what makes a marriage not work.
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去知道一份婚姻點解會失敗。
02:34
Disrespect, boredom,
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唔尊重，無聊，
02:36
too much time on Facebook,
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用太多時間系Facebook,
02:39
having sex with other people.
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同其他人發生關係。
02:41
But you can have the exact opposite of all of those things --
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但系你可以有截然不同嘅體驗
02:44
respect, excitement,
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尊重，刺激，
02:47
a broken Internet connection,
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上網斷線，
02:49
mind-numbing monogamy --
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枯燥嘅一夫一妻制
02:53
and the thing still can go to hell in a hand basket.
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依然會為小事起爭執。
02:56
So what's going on when it doesn't?
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甘樣，果D成功嘅婚姻，
02:59
What do the folks who make it
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到底喺點樣維繫嘅呢？
03:01
all the way to side-by-side burial plots
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果D白頭到老嘅夫婦
03:03
have in common?
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有D咩交集？
03:05
What are they doing right?
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佢地喺點樣做到嘅？
03:07
What can we learn from them?
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我地要點樣向佢地學習？
03:10
And if you're still happily sleeping solo,
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再者，如果你喺快樂嘅單身貴族，
03:14
why should you stop what you're doing
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甘又點解放棄原有嘅生活，
03:16
and make it your life's work
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自己攞黎衰？
03:18
to find that one special person
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去揾特別嘅另一半，
03:21
that you can annoy for the rest of your life?
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會令你下半世都不得安寧？
03:24
Well researchers spend billions of your tax dollars
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研究員用咗你哋嘅納稅錢
03:27
trying to figure that out.
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嘗試揾出個中原因。
03:29
They stalk blissful couples
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佢哋會會追蹤果D幸福嘅小夫妻
03:31
and they study their every move and mannerism.
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觀察佢哋嘅一舉一動包括特殊癖好。
03:34
And they try to pinpoint what it is
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然後佢哋會揾出有咩因素令佢哋
03:36
that sets them apart
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與別不同
03:38
from their miserable neighbors and friends.
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得以避免被鄰居同朋友嘅不幸感染。
03:40
And it turns out,
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最後得出來嘅結果喺，
03:42
the success stories
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呢D成功故事
03:44
share a few similarities,
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嘅共同點
03:46
actually, beyond they don't have sex with other people.
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事實上，不單止於不會對另一半不忠。
03:49
For instance, in the happiest marriages,
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舉例，成功嘅婚姻關係，
03:52
the wife is thinner and better looking than the husband.
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太太通常會比丈夫來得瘦同更有魅力。
03:55
(Laughter)
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（臺下笑聲）
03:57
Obvious, right.
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顯然喺啱嘅。
03:59
It's obvious that this leads to marital bliss
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顯然呢喺成功婚姻嘅要素
04:01
because, women, we care a great deal
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因為女人更注重
04:03
about being thin and good looking,
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身形同外觀，
04:05
whereas men mostly care about sex ...
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現對男人大部分淨喺對性感到興趣。。。
04:08
ideally with women
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特別對於異性
04:10
who are thinner and better looking than they are.
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身形同外觀比自己好嘅話。
04:12
The beauty of this research though
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呢個研究嘅可取性在於，
04:14
is that no one is suggesting
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無任何一個人會建議
04:16
that women have to be thin to be happy;
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女人一定要瘦才幸福；
04:18
we just have to be thinner than our partners.
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我地淨喺需要卑另一半瘦就得啦
04:21
So instead of all that laborious
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與其試勻所有
04:23
dieting and exercising,
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節食同運動嘅方法，
04:25
we just need to wait for them to get fat,
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我地淨喺需要等另一半變肥，
04:29
maybe bake a few pies.
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或者整多幾個派，
04:31
This is good information to have,
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呢喺好消息，
04:33
and it's not that complicated.
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亦都唔喺甘複雜。
04:36
Research also suggests
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研究同時建議
04:38
that the happiest couples
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幸福夫妻
04:40
are the ones that focus on the positives.
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只會注意正面特質。
04:42
For example, the happy wife.
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例如，一位幸福嘅太太。
04:44
Instead of pointing out her husband's growing gut
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與其指出丈夫嘅肚腩有幾大
04:47
or suggesting he go for a run,
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跟住建議他去跑步，
04:49
she might say,
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她會講，
04:51
"Wow, honey, thank you for going out of your way
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“嘩，親愛嘅，多謝你任由自己嘅身形走樣
04:54
to make me relatively thinner."
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嚟令到我現對瘦D。”
04:57
These are couples who can find good in any situation.
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呢D夫婦會喺任何場合都會發掘到最好嘅一面。
05:00
"Yeah, it was devastating
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“啱啊，一切都毀於一旦
05:02
when we lost everything in that fire,
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喺火災裏面我哋失去所有嘢，
05:05
but it's kind of nice sleeping out here under the stars,
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但系喺星空之下訓覺都唔錯啊
05:08
and it's a good thing you've got all that body fat
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有你身上嘅肥肉真喺太好了
05:10
to keep us warm."
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可以有保暖嘅作用。”
05:12
One of my favorite studies found
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我最中意嘅研究顯示
05:15
that the more willing a husband is to do house work,
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老公越是肯去做家務，
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the more attractive his wife will find him.
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老婆越是覺得老公有吸引力。
05:21
Because we needed a study to tell us this.
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正因為我哋需要研究話卑我哋知。
05:25
But here's what's going on here.
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整個流程就喺。
05:27
The more attractive she finds him, the more sex they have;
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老婆越喺覺得老公吸引，就越喺願意做愛；
05:30
the more sex they have, the nicer he is to her;
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佢哋越喺享受性愛，老公就越喺對老婆好；
05:32
the nicer he is to her,
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他越對她好，
05:34
the less she nags him about leaving wet towels on the bed --
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她就越唔會埋怨他喺床上亂放濕毛巾 --
05:37
and ultimately, they live happily ever after.
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佢哋就會長長久久甘喺埋一齊。
05:40
In other words, men, you might want to pick it up a notch
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換言之，男士應該將眼光放遠
05:43
in the domestic department.
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喺自己嘅屋企裏面。
05:46
Here's an interesting one.
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呢道好有趣。
05:48
One study found
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一項研究顯示
05:50
that people who smile in childhood photographs
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人喺童年影相嘅時候笑
05:53
are less likely to get a divorce.
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就越不會離婚。
05:55
This is an actual study,
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呢喺個真正嘅研究，
05:57
and let me clarify.
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等我澄清一下。
05:59
The researchers were not looking
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呢D研究員唔喺查
06:01
at documented self-reports of childhood happiness
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有自己提供嘅童年滿意度
06:03
or even studying old journals.
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或者研究舊資料。
06:05
The data were based entirely
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研究數據喺基於
06:07
on whether people looked happy
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研究對象喺唔喺睇起來
06:10
in these early pictures.
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開唔開心。
06:12
Now I don't know how old all of you are,
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我唔清楚各位嘅年齡，
06:15
but when I was a kid,
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但系仲喺細個陣，
06:17
your parents took pictures with a special kind of camera
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你父母影相嘅時候會摟一種特殊相機，
06:19
that held something called film,
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裏面裝住叫相底嘅嘢，
06:22
and, by God, film was expensive.
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天啊，菲林喺好貴嘅。
06:26
They didn't take 300 shots of you
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佢哋唔會以喺宜家嘅數碼影像模式
06:28
in that rapid-fire digital video mode
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用快門影你300張相
06:31
and then pick out the nicest, smileyest one
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然後揀最笑容最燦爛嘅一張
06:33
for the Christmas card.
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來做聖誕卡。
06:35
Oh no.
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你就想啦。
06:37
They dressed you up, they lined you up,
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佢哋叫你著靚D衫，企好，
06:39
and you smiled for the fucking camera like they told you to
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再叫你喺佢哋嘅要求底下喺架濫鬼相機面前笑
06:41
or you could kiss your birthday party goodbye.
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或者你可以吻別生日派對。
06:44
But still, I have a huge pile
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但系，我仍然有一大堆
06:46
of fake happy childhood pictures
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虛偽嘅童年開心照
06:48
and I'm glad they make me less likely than some people
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我好開心因為呢D相嘅存在令我同
06:51
to get a divorce.
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其他會離婚嘅人唔同。
06:53
So what else can you do
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甘又有咩可以
06:55
to safeguard your marriage?
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維繫你嘅婚姻呢？
06:57
Do not win an Oscar for best actress.
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千奇唔好贏奧斯卡最佳女演員獎。
07:00
(Laughter)
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（臺下笑聲）
07:02
I'm serious.
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我喺認真嘅。
07:04
Bettie Davis, Joan Crawford, Hallie Berry, Hillary Swank,
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Bettie Davis, Joan Crawford, Hallie Berry, Hillary Swank,
07:06
Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon,
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Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon,
07:08
all of them single
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佢哋全部恢復單身
07:10
soon after taking home that statue.
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正就喺系攞獎返屋企之後。
07:12
They actually call it the Oscar curse.
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佢哋稱呢喺奧斯卡詛咒。
07:14
It is the marriage kiss of death
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喺婚姻嘅死亡之吻
07:16
and something that should be avoided.
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一定要避免甘樣嘅事。
07:19
And it's not just successfully starring in films
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呢唔系淨淨喺演藝生涯
07:21
that's dangerous.
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先至危險。
07:23
It turns out, merely watching a romantic comedy
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連隨便睇出愛情喜劇
07:27
causes relationship satisfaction to plummet.
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都會令關係破碎。
07:30
(Laughter)
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（臺下笑聲）
07:32
Apparently, the bitter realization
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顯然，呢個殘酷嘅現實
07:34
that maybe it could happen to us,
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或者喺浪漫可能會喺我們之間發生，
07:38
but it obviously hasn't and it probably never will,
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但系真正喺我哋身邊發生又不太可能，
07:40
makes our lives seem unbearably grim
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啤浪漫喜劇搞到我哋
07:42
in comparison.
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睇起來更慘
07:44
And theoretically,
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所以從理論嚟講，
07:46
I suppose if we opt for a film where someone gets brutally murdered
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我哋應逆向操作，揀有謀殺案嘅懸疑片
07:49
or dies in a fiery car crash,
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或者死喺汽車爆炸，
07:51
we are more likely to walk out of that theater
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我哋離開電影院果整
07:54
feeling like we've got it pretty good.
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會覺得好滿足。
07:57
Drinking alcohol, it seems,
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飲酒睇起來，
08:00
is bad for your marriage.
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會破壞婚姻。
08:02
Yeah.
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啱啊。
08:04
I can't tell you anymore about that one
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我唔辦法再講，因為我
08:06
because I stopped reading it at the headline.
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讀完呢個標題就唔想再睇落去。
08:08
But here's a scary one:
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但系跟住落嚟嘅就更恐怖：
08:10
Divorce is contagious.
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離婚喺會傳染嘅。
08:13
That's right -- when you have a close couple friend split up,
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非常正確 -- 當你嘅朋友選擇分手，
08:16
it increases your chances of getting a divorce
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你自己離婚嘅幾率會上升
08:18
by 75 percent.
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75個百分點。
08:21
Now I have to say, I don't get this one at all.
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宜家我要分享嘅喺，我不太贊同呢一點。
08:24
My husband and I
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我同我老公
08:26
have watched quite a few friends divide their assets
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身邊嘅好多朋友都喺離婚分家收場，
08:29
and then struggle
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然後好幸苦
08:31
with being our age and single
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甘喺我哋呢個年齡恢復單身
08:34
in an age of sexting and Viagra
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得依賴色情電話或者偉哥
08:36
and eHarmony.
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仲有網路交友。
08:38
And I'm thinking they've done more for my marriage
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我自己興幸可以以朋友為鑒
08:40
than a lifetime of therapy ever could.
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甚至比終身婚姻質詢更有效。
08:44
So now you may be wondering,
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宜家你會惗
08:46
why does anyone get married ever?
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點解要結婚？
08:50
Well the U.S. federal government
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基本上美國政府
08:53
counts more than a thousand legal benefits
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會提供更多福利
08:55
to being someone's spouse --
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啤已婚者
08:57
a list that includes visitation rights in jail,
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福利服務包括探監嘅權利，
09:00
but hopefully you'll never need that one.
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希望你唔需要呢項服務啦。
09:02
But beyond the profound federal perks,
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除咗呢D福利，
09:06
married people make more money.
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已婚夫婦嘅收入更高，
09:08
We're healthier,
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身體更健康，
09:10
physically and emotionally.
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心智更開朗。
09:13
We produce happier, more stable
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我哋可以培育更健康，更穩重
09:15
and more successful kids.
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同更成功嘅下一代。
09:18
We have more sex
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我哋會啤
09:20
than our supposedly swinging single friends --
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單身嘅朋友有更健康嘅性生活
09:22
believe it or not.
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信又好唔信又好。
09:24
We even live longer,
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我哋活得更長命，
09:26
which is a pretty compelling argument
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呢喺個吸引人嘅好處
09:28
for marrying someone you like a lot
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代價就系同你鍾意嘅人系埋一齊
09:30
in the first place.
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以對方為第一。
09:33
Now if you're not currently experiencing
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宜家你可能體驗唔到
09:36
the joy of the joint tax return,
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夫婦共同報稅嘅好處，
09:39
I can't tell you how to find a chore-loving person
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我都無辦法教你揾一個鐘意做家務，
09:42
of the approximately ideal size and attractiveness
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身材適中，具有魅力
09:45
who prefers horror movies and doesn't have a lot of friends
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又鐘意睇恐怖片
09:47
hovering on the brink of divorce,
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但系又唔多會離婚嘅朋友，
09:49
but I can only encourage you to try,
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但系我只系可以建議你試一試，
09:52
because the benefits, as I've pointed out,
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因為我講過嘅好處
09:54
are significant.
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好重要。
09:56
The bottom line is, whether you're in it or you're searching for it,
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底線喺，無論你已婚或者仲喺道揾另一半，
09:59
I believe marriage is an institution
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我相信婚姻喺一個
10:02
worth pursuing and protecting.
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值得去經營同維護嘅公司。
10:05
So I hope you'll use the information I've given you today
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所以我希望你哋可以善用今日學到嘅嘢
10:07
to weigh your personal strengths
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嚟發揮自己嘅強項
10:09
against your own risk factors.
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對抗自己嘅弱點。
10:11
For instance, in my marriage,
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例如，系我個人嘅婚姻裏面，
10:13
I'd say I'm doing okay.
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我覺得仲可以。
10:15
One the one hand,
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系一方面，
10:17
I have a husband who's annoyingly lean
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我老公嘅身材好fit
10:20
and incredibly handsome.
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同仲好有型。
10:22
So I'm obviously going to need fatten him up.
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所以我絕對有谷肥佢。
10:25
And like I said, we have those divorced friends
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正如我所講，我哋有離婚嘅朋友。
10:27
who may secretly or subconsciously
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秘密或者無意識甘
10:29
be trying to break us up.
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想拆散我哋。
10:31
So we have to keep an eye on that.
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我哋會注意啦。
10:34
And we do like a cocktail or two.
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我哋會享受一兩杯雞尾酒
10:37
On the other hand,
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系一方面，
10:39
I have the fake happy picture thing.
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我有好多假好心相。
10:41
And also, my husband does a lot around the house,
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我老公又會不停甘做家務，
10:44
and would happily never see
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亦系有生之年樂意唔睇
10:46
another romantic comedy as long as he lives.
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愛情喜劇
10:49
So I've got all those things going for me.
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呢就是我分享嘅一切。
10:52
But just in case,
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但系以防萬一，
10:54
I plan to work extra hard
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我會更加努力
10:56
to not win an Oscar anytime soon.
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儘量唔喺不久攞奧斯卡
10:59
And for the good of your relationships,
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為咗你自己嘅婚姻，
11:01
I would encourage you to do the same.
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我建議你做同樣嘅事。
11:03
I'll see you at the bar.
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我哋下次聯誼廳再見。
11:05
(Applause)
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（掌聲）
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Jenna McCarthy - WriterJenna McCarthy writes about relationships, marriage and parenting.
Why you should listen
Jenna McCarthy is the author of If It Was Easy They'd Call the Whole Damn Thing a Honeymoon: Living With and Loving the TV-Addicted, Sex-Obsessed, Not-So-Handy Man You Married. Her past books include The Parent Trip: From High Heels and Parties to Highchairs and Potties and Cheers to the New Mom/Cheers to the New Dad, as well as the upcoming companion books Big Rigs for Moms and Tea Parties for Dads.
Jenna McCarthy | Speaker | TED.com