ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Jenna McCarthy - Writer
Jenna McCarthy writes about relationships, marriage and parenting.

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TEDxAmericanRiviera

Jenna McCarthy: What you don't know about marriage

珍娜-麥克加西:你所唔知道嘅婚姻

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6,109,514 views

喺呢個幽默而有趣嘅TEDx Talk裏面,作家珍娜-麥克加西會分享佢對婚姻嘅一項令人耳目一新嘅研究(特別系成功嘅婚姻關係)。提示:千奇唔好贏奧斯卡最佳女主角獎。
- Writer
Jenna McCarthy writes about relationships, marriage and parenting. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:15
Every year in the United聯合 States國家 alone一手一腳,
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每一年淨喺美國,
00:18
2,077,000 couples夫婦
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就有2,077,000對新人
00:21
make a legal法律 and spiritual精神 decision決定
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作出法律同信仰嘅承諾
00:24
to spend the rest休息 of their佢哋 lives生活 together一起 ...
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就系同另一半一齊度過一生一世。。。
00:28
(Laughter笑聲)
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(臺下笑聲)
00:30
and not to have sex with anyone任何人 else,
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同不再同其他人上床,
00:33
ever.
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絕對唔會。
00:36
He buys a ring, she buys a dress.
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男嘅就買戒指,女嘅就揀好婚紗。
00:39
They go shopping買嘢
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兩個人一齊買嘢
00:41
for all sorts各種 of things.
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一齊做好多嘢。
00:43
She takes him to Arthur亚瑟 Murray默里
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女方會帶男方到舞蹈會所
00:45
for ballroom舞廳 dancing跳舞 lessons.
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一齊學社交舞。
00:48
And the big day comes.
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最後大日子降臨。
00:50
And they'll佢地會 stand before God and family家庭
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同埋佢地一齊系神同家人
00:53
and some guy her dad老竇 once一旦 did business業務 with,
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仲有女方爸爸以往嘅工作夥伴,
00:56
and they'll佢地會 vow誓言 that nothing,
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跟住佢地一齊發誓
00:58
not abject赤貧 poverty貧困,
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唔會有任何貧窮
01:00
not life-threatening危及生命的 illness疾病,
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唔會有任何絕症,
01:03
not complete完成 and utter完全 misery痛苦
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唔會有任何不幸
01:06
will ever put the tiniest最小 damper阻尼器
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可以阻擋男女雙方
01:09
on their佢哋 eternal永恒 love and devotion奉獻.
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永恆,相互嘅愛與承諾。
01:11
(Laughter笑聲)
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(臺下笑聲)
01:13
These optimistic樂觀 young年輕 bastards仆街
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呢D天真嘅靚仔靚妹
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promise承諾 to honor榮譽 and cherish珍惜 each每個 other
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應承成為眷屬
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through透過 hot flashes閃爍
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從熱戀
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and mid-life中年 crises危機
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到中年危機
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and a cumulative累積 50-lb. weight重量 gain獲得,
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仲有肥咗50磅,
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until直到 that far-off遙遠 day
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直至久遠
01:28
when one of them is finally最後 able
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其中一個終於
01:30
to rest休息 in peace和平.
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安息。
01:33
You know, because they can't hear聽到 the snoring打鼻鼾 anymore.
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你知嘅,因為佢地唔可以再忍受對方嘅鼻鼾聲。
01:36
And then they'll佢地會 get stupid愚蠢 drunk
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婚禮當日佢地會變成醉貓
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and smash粉碎 cake蛋糕 in each每個 others'人 ' faces面臨 and do the "Macarena瑪卡莲娜,"
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仲會向對方嘅面擲蛋糕以及一齊跳“Marcarena,”
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and we'll我哋就 be there
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而我哋所有朋友會企系一邊
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showering冲凉 them with towels毛巾 and toasters多士爐
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向佢地一齊開禮炮噴香檳
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and drinking their佢哋 free自由 booze
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然後飲免費喜酒
01:47
and throwing birdseed雀粟 at them
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仲有祝一對新人百年好合
01:49
every single time --
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重複一次又一次
01:51
even though雖然 we know,
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幾乎我哋都會知道,
01:53
statistically統計,
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根據統計,
01:55
half一半 of them will be divorced離婚 within a decade同你十年.
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呢批新人之中至少會有一半會系一年內離婚。
01:58
(Laughter笑聲)
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(臺下笑聲)
02:01
Of course課程, the other half一半 won't唔會, right?
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當然,另外半數嘅新人不會,啱不啱?
02:03
They'll佢地會 keep forgetting唔記得 anniversaries紀念日
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佢地會唔記得結婚週年紀念日
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and arguing爭論 about where to spend holidays假期
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仲會為咗去邊度度假起爭執
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and debating辯論 which way
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以及爭論究竟要將
02:11
the toilet廁所 paper
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廁紙卷
02:13
should come off of the roll.
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向上啦或者向下拉。
02:15
And some of them
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但系有一部分夫妻
02:17
will even still be enjoying享受 each每個 others'人 ' company公司
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會繼續相敬如賓
02:21
when neither of them can chew咀嚼 solid固體 food食品 anymore.
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直至佢地任何一位再都唔可以嚼硬嘢。
02:24
And researchers研究者 want to know why.
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研究員想知道佢地點樣可以做到。
02:27
I mean, look, it doesn't take a double-blind雙盲, placebo-controlled安慰劑控制 study研究
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我嘅意思系,呢不需要做雙盲或者假藥效應嘅研究
02:30
to figure out what makes使 a marriage婚姻 not work.
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去知道一份婚姻點解會失敗。
02:34
Disrespect不敬, boredom無聊,
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唔尊重,無聊,
02:36
too much time on FacebookFacebook,
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用太多時間系Facebook,
02:39
having sex with other people.
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同其他人發生關係。
02:41
But you can have the exact確切 opposite相反 of all of those things --
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但系你可以有截然不同嘅體驗
02:44
respect尊重, excitement興奮,
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尊重,刺激,
02:47
a broken破碎 Internet互聯網 connection連接,
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上網斷線,
02:49
mind-numbing麻木的心 monogamy一夫一妻制 --
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枯燥嘅一夫一妻制
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and the thing still can go to hell地獄 in a hand basket.
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依然會為小事起爭執。
02:56
So what's going on when it doesn't?
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甘樣,果D成功嘅婚姻,
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What do the folks who make it
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到底喺點樣維繫嘅呢?
03:01
all the way to side-by-side並排 burial埋葬 plots情節
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果D白頭到老嘅夫婦
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have in common常見?
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有D咩交集?
03:05
What are they doing right?
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佢地喺點樣做到嘅?
03:07
What can we learn學習 from them?
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我地要點樣向佢地學習?
03:10
And if you're still happily愉快 sleeping瞓覺 solo獨奏,
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再者,如果你喺快樂嘅單身貴族,
03:14
why should you stop what you're doing
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甘又點解放棄原有嘅生活,
03:16
and make it your life's生活嘅 work
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自己攞黎衰?
03:18
to find that one special特殊 person
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去揾特別嘅另一半,
03:21
that you can annoy激親 for the rest休息 of your life?
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會令你下半世都不得安寧?
03:24
Well researchers研究者 spend billions数十亿 of your tax dollars美元
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研究員用咗你哋嘅納稅錢
03:27
trying試圖 to figure that out.
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嘗試揾出個中原因。
03:29
They stalk稭稈 blissful幸福 couples夫婦
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佢哋會會追蹤果D幸福嘅小夫妻
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and they study研究 their佢哋 every move移動 and mannerism矯飾.
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觀察佢哋嘅一舉一動包括特殊癖好。
03:34
And they try to pinpoint確定 what it is
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然後佢哋會揾出有咩因素令佢哋
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that sets them apart分開
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與別不同
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from their佢哋 miserable悲慘 neighbors鄰居 and friends朋友.
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得以避免被鄰居同朋友嘅不幸感染。
03:40
And it turns輪流 out,
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最後得出來嘅結果喺,
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the success成功 stories故事
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呢D成功故事
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share共享 a few幾個 similarities相似之處,
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嘅共同點
03:46
actually講真, beyond超越 they don't have sex with other people.
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事實上,不單止於不會對另一半不忠。
03:49
For instance實例, in the happiest幸福 marriages婚姻,
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舉例,成功嘅婚姻關係,
03:52
the wife妻子 is thinner and better looking than the husband老公.
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太太通常會比丈夫來得瘦同更有魅力。
03:55
(Laughter笑聲)
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(臺下笑聲)
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Obvious明顯, right.
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顯然喺啱嘅。
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It's obvious明顯 that this leads導致 to marital婚姻 bliss幸福
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顯然呢喺成功婚姻嘅要素
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because, women婦女, we care護理 a great deal交易
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因為女人更注重
04:03
about being thin and good looking,
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身形同外觀,
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whereas men男人 mostly主要 care護理 about sex ...
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現對男人大部分淨喺對性感到興趣。。。
04:08
ideally理想 with women婦女
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特別對於異性
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who are thinner and better looking than they are.
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身形同外觀比自己好嘅話。
04:12
The beauty of this research研究 though雖然
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呢個研究嘅可取性在於,
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is that no one is suggesting建議
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無任何一個人會建議
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that women婦女 have to be thin to be happy快樂;
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女人一定要瘦才幸福;
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we just have to be thinner than our partners合作夥伴.
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我地淨喺需要卑另一半瘦就得啦
04:21
So instead相反 of all that laborious辛苦
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與其試勻所有
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dieting節食 and exercising行使,
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節食同運動嘅方法,
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we just need to wait for them to get fat脂肪,
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我地淨喺需要等另一半變肥,
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maybe bake a few幾個 pies.
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或者整多幾個派,
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This is good information信息 to have,
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呢喺好消息,
04:33
and it's not that complicated複雜.
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亦都唔喺甘複雜。
04:36
Research研究 also suggests表明
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研究同時建議
04:38
that the happiest幸福 couples夫婦
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幸福夫妻
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are the ones that focus重點 on the positives陽性.
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只會注意正面特質。
04:42
For example例子, the happy快樂 wife妻子.
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例如,一位幸福嘅太太。
04:44
Instead相反 of pointing out her husband's老公嘅 growing增長 gut腸道
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與其指出丈夫嘅肚腩有幾大
04:47
or suggesting建議 he go for a run運行,
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跟住建議他去跑步,
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she might可能 say,
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她會講,
04:51
"Wow, honey親愛的, thank you for going out of your way
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“嘩,親愛嘅,多謝你任由自己嘅身形走樣
04:54
to make me relatively相對 thinner."
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嚟令到我現對瘦D。”
04:57
These are couples夫婦 who can find good in any situation情況.
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呢D夫婦會喺任何場合都會發掘到最好嘅一面。
05:00
"Yeah, it was devastating毀滅性
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“啱啊,一切都毀於一旦
05:02
when we lost失去 everything in that fire,
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喺火災裏面我哋失去所有嘢,
05:05
but it's kind一種 of nice sleeping瞓覺 out here under the stars星星,
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但系喺星空之下訓覺都唔錯啊
05:08
and it's a good thing you've got all that body身體 fat脂肪
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有你身上嘅肥肉真喺太好了
05:10
to keep us warm溫暖."
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可以有保暖嘅作用。”
05:12
One of my favorite中意 studies研究 found發現
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我最中意嘅研究顯示
05:15
that the more willing a husband老公 is to do house房子 work,
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老公越是肯去做家務,
05:18
the more attractive吸引力 his wife妻子 will find him.
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老婆越是覺得老公有吸引力。
05:21
Because we needed需要 a study研究 to tell us this.
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正因為我哋需要研究話卑我哋知。
05:25
But here's呢度有 what's going on here.
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整個流程就喺。
05:27
The more attractive吸引力 she finds發現 him, the more sex they have;
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老婆越喺覺得老公吸引,就越喺願意做愛;
05:30
the more sex they have, the nicer仲好 he is to her;
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佢哋越喺享受性愛,老公就越喺對老婆好;
05:32
the nicer仲好 he is to her,
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他越對她好,
05:34
the less she nags耿耿於懷 him about leaving離開 wet towels毛巾 on the bed --
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她就越唔會埋怨他喺床上亂放濕毛巾 --
05:37
and ultimately最終, they live happily愉快 ever after.
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佢哋就會長長久久甘喺埋一齊。
05:40
In other words的話, men男人, you might可能 want to pick選擇 it up a notch缺口
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換言之,男士應該將眼光放遠
05:43
in the domestic國內 department部門.
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喺自己嘅屋企裏面。
05:46
Here's呢度有 an interesting有趣 one.
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呢道好有趣。
05:48
One study研究 found發現
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一項研究顯示
05:50
that people who smile微笑 in childhood童年 photographs
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人喺童年影相嘅時候笑
05:53
are less likely可能 to get a divorce離婚.
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就越不會離婚。
05:55
This is an actual實際 study研究,
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呢喺個真正嘅研究,
05:57
and let me clarify澄清.
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等我澄清一下。
05:59
The researchers研究者 were not looking
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呢D研究員唔喺查
06:01
at documented記錄 self-reports自報告 of childhood童年 happiness幸福
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有自己提供嘅童年滿意度
06:03
or even studying研究 old journals期刊.
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或者研究舊資料。
06:05
The data數據 were based基於 entirely完全
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研究數據喺基於
06:07
on whether係唔係 people looked happy快樂
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研究對象喺唔喺睇起來
06:10
in these early早期 pictures圖片.
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開唔開心。
06:12
Now I don't know how old all of you are,
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我唔清楚各位嘅年齡,
06:15
but when I was a kid孩子,
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但系仲喺細個陣,
06:17
your parents父母 took pictures圖片 with a special特殊 kind一種 of camera相機
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你父母影相嘅時候會摟一種特殊相機,
06:19
that held舉行 something called film電影,
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裏面裝住叫相底嘅嘢,
06:22
and, by God, film電影 was expensive昂貴.
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天啊,菲林喺好貴嘅。
06:26
They didn't take 300 shots鏡頭 of you
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佢哋唔會以喺宜家嘅數碼影像模式
06:28
in that rapid-fire快速火 digital數字 video視頻 mode模式
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用快門影你300張相
06:31
and then pick選擇 out the nicest最好, smileyestsmileyest one
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然後揀最笑容最燦爛嘅一張
06:33
for the Christmas聖誕節 card.
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來做聖誕卡。
06:35
Oh no.
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你就想啦。
06:37
They dressed穿著 you up, they lined內襯 you up,
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佢哋叫你著靚D衫,企好,
06:39
and you smiled微笑 for the fucking丟那媽 camera相機 like they told you to
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再叫你喺佢哋嘅要求底下喺架濫鬼相機面前笑
06:41
or you could kiss your birthday生日 party goodbye再見.
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或者你可以吻別生日派對。
06:44
But still, I have a huge巨大 pile
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但系,我仍然有一大堆
06:46
of fake happy快樂 childhood童年 pictures圖片
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虛偽嘅童年開心照
06:48
and I'm glad開心 they make me less likely可能 than some people
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我好開心因為呢D相嘅存在令我同
06:51
to get a divorce離婚.
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其他會離婚嘅人唔同。
06:53
So what else can you do
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甘又有咩可以
06:55
to safeguard保障 your marriage婚姻?
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維繫你嘅婚姻呢?
06:57
Do not win贏得 an Oscar奧斯卡 for best最好 actress女演員.
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千奇唔好贏奧斯卡最佳女演員獎。
07:00
(Laughter笑聲)
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(臺下笑聲)
07:02
I'm serious嚴重.
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我喺認真嘅。
07:04
Bettie貝蒂 Davis戴維斯, Joan Crawford哥莱福特, Hallie哈莉 Berry漿菓, Hillary希拉里 Swank斯旺克,
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Bettie Davis, Joan Crawford, Hallie Berry, Hillary Swank,
07:06
Sandra桑德拉 Bullock布洛克, Reese里斯 Witherspoon威瑟斯彭,
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Sandra Bullock, Reese Witherspoon,
07:08
all of them single
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佢哋全部恢復單身
07:10
soon好快 after taking採取 home that statue雕像.
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正就喺系攞獎返屋企之後。
07:12
They actually講真 call it the Oscar奧斯卡 curse詛咒.
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佢哋稱呢喺奧斯卡詛咒。
07:14
It is the marriage婚姻 kiss of death死亡
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喺婚姻嘅死亡之吻
07:16
and something that should be avoided避免.
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一定要避免甘樣嘅事。
07:19
And it's not just successfully成功 starring主演 in films電影
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呢唔系淨淨喺演藝生涯
07:21
that's dangerous危險.
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先至危險。
07:23
It turns輪流 out, merely淨係 watching a romantic浪漫 comedy喜劇
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連隨便睇出愛情喜劇
07:27
causes原因 relationship關係 satisfaction滿意 to plummet暴跌.
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都會令關係破碎。
07:30
(Laughter笑聲)
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(臺下笑聲)
07:32
Apparently顯然, the bitter realization實現
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顯然,呢個殘酷嘅現實
07:34
that maybe it could happen發生 to us,
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或者喺浪漫可能會喺我們之間發生,
07:38
but it obviously顯然 hasn't and it probably可能 never will,
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但系真正喺我哋身邊發生又不太可能,
07:40
makes使 our lives生活 seem好似 unbearably忍受 grim嚴峻
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啤浪漫喜劇搞到我哋
07:42
in comparison比較.
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睇起來更慘
07:44
And theoretically理論上,
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所以從理論嚟講,
07:46
I suppose if we opt選擇 for a film電影 where someone有人 gets得到 brutally殘酷 murdered謀殺
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我哋應逆向操作,揀有謀殺案嘅懸疑片
07:49
or dies in a fiery火熱 car架車 crash崩潰,
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或者死喺汽車爆炸,
07:51
we are more likely可能 to walk out of that theater劇院
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我哋離開電影院果整
07:54
feeling感覺 like we've我哋都 got it pretty good.
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會覺得好滿足。
07:57
Drinking alcohol酒精, it seems好似,
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飲酒睇起來,
08:00
is bad for your marriage婚姻.
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會破壞婚姻。
08:02
Yeah.
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啱啊。
08:04
I can't tell you anymore about that one
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我唔辦法再講,因為我
08:06
because I stopped停止 reading閲讀 it at the headlinetitle.
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讀完呢個標題就唔想再睇落去。
08:08
But here's呢度有 a scary可怕 one:
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但系跟住落嚟嘅就更恐怖:
08:10
Divorce離婚 is contagious傳染性.
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離婚喺會傳染嘅。
08:13
That's right -- when you have a close關閉 couple夫婦 friend朋友 split分裂 up,
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非常正確 -- 當你嘅朋友選擇分手,
08:16
it increases增加 your chances機會 of getting得到 a divorce離婚
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你自己離婚嘅幾率會上升
08:18
by 75 percent百分比.
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75個百分點。
08:21
Now I have to say, I don't get this one at all.
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宜家我要分享嘅喺,我不太贊同呢一點。
08:24
My husband老公 and I
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我同我老公
08:26
have watched quite都幾 a few幾個 friends朋友 divide劃分 their佢哋 assets資產
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身邊嘅好多朋友都喺離婚分家收場,
08:29
and then struggle鬥爭
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然後好幸苦
08:31
with being our age年齡 and single
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甘喺我哋呢個年齡恢復單身
08:34
in an age年齡 of sextingsexting and Viagra偉仔
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得依賴色情電話或者偉哥
08:36
and eHarmonyeHarmony.
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仲有網路交友。
08:38
And I'm thinking思維 they've佢地已經 done more for my marriage婚姻
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我自己興幸可以以朋友為鑒
08:40
than a lifetime一生 of therapy治療 ever could.
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甚至比終身婚姻質詢更有效。
08:44
So now you may可能 be wondering,
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宜家你會惗
08:46
why does anyone任何人 get married結婚 ever?
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點解要結婚?
08:50
Well the U.S. federal聯邦 government政府
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基本上美國政府
08:53
counts計數 more than a thousand legal法律 benefits著數
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會提供更多福利
08:55
to being someone's某人嘅 spouse配偶 --
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啤已婚者
08:57
a list列表 that includes包括 visitation探視 rights權利 in jail監獄,
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福利服務包括探監嘅權利,
09:00
but hopefully希望 you'll你咪會 never need that one.
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希望你唔需要呢項服務啦。
09:02
But beyond超越 the profound深刻 federal聯邦 perks津貼,
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除咗呢D福利,
09:06
married結婚 people make more money.
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已婚夫婦嘅收入更高,
09:08
We're healthier健康,
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身體更健康,
09:10
physically身體 and emotionally情緒.
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心智更開朗。
09:13
We produce生產 happier快樂, more stable穩定
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我哋可以培育更健康,更穩重
09:15
and more successful成功 kids孩子.
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同更成功嘅下一代。
09:18
We have more sex
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我哋會啤
09:20
than our supposedly聽講 swinging擺動 single friends朋友 --
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單身嘅朋友有更健康嘅性生活
09:22
believe it or not.
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信又好唔信又好。
09:24
We even live longer,
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我哋活得更長命,
09:26
which is a pretty compelling引人注目 argument參數
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呢喺個吸引人嘅好處
09:28
for marrying結婚 someone有人 you like a lot
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代價就系同你鍾意嘅人系埋一齊
09:30
in the first place地方.
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以對方為第一。
09:33
Now if you're not currently目前 experiencing經歷
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宜家你可能體驗唔到
09:36
the joy喜悅 of the joint聯合 tax return返回,
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夫婦共同報稅嘅好處,
09:39
I can't tell you how to find a chore-loving歡喜家頭細務 person
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我都無辦法教你揾一個鐘意做家務,
09:42
of the approximately大約 ideal理想 size大小 and attractiveness吸引力
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身材適中,具有魅力
09:45
who prefers中意 horror恐怖 movies電影 and doesn't have a lot of friends朋友
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又鐘意睇恐怖片
09:47
hovering徘徊 on the brink邊緣 of divorce離婚,
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但系又唔多會離婚嘅朋友,
09:49
but I can only encourage鼓勵 you to try,
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但系我只系可以建議你試一試,
09:52
because the benefits著數, as I've pointed指出 out,
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因為我講過嘅好處
09:54
are significant重要.
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好重要。
09:56
The bottom底部 line is, whether係唔係 you're in it or you're searching搜尋 for it,
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底線喺,無論你已婚或者仲喺道揾另一半,
09:59
I believe marriage婚姻 is an institution機構
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我相信婚姻喺一個
10:02
worth值得 pursuing追求 and protecting保護.
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值得去經營同維護嘅公司。
10:05
So I hope希望 you'll你咪會 use the information信息 I've given you today今日
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所以我希望你哋可以善用今日學到嘅嘢
10:07
to weigh權衡 your personal strengths優勢
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嚟發揮自己嘅強項
10:09
against your own自己 risk風險 factors因素.
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對抗自己嘅弱點。
10:11
For instance實例, in my marriage婚姻,
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例如,系我個人嘅婚姻裏面,
10:13
I'd say I'm doing okay.
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我覺得仲可以。
10:15
One the one hand,
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系一方面,
10:17
I have a husband老公 who's邊個係 annoyingly lean精益
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我老公嘅身材好fit
10:20
and incredibly令人難以置信 handsome英俊.
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同仲好有型。
10:22
So I'm obviously顯然 going to need fatten育肥 him up.
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所以我絕對有谷肥佢。
10:25
And like I said, we have those divorced離婚 friends朋友
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正如我所講,我哋有離婚嘅朋友。
10:27
who may可能 secretly偷偷 or subconsciously下意識地
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秘密或者無意識甘
10:29
be trying試圖 to break打破 us up.
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想拆散我哋。
10:31
So we have to keep an eye眼睛 on that.
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我哋會注意啦。
10:34
And we do like a cocktail or two.
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我哋會享受一兩杯雞尾酒
10:37
On the other hand,
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系一方面,
10:39
I have the fake happy快樂 picture圖片 thing.
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我有好多假好心相。
10:41
And also, my husband老公 does a lot around the house房子,
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我老公又會不停甘做家務,
10:44
and would happily愉快 never see
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亦系有生之年樂意唔睇
10:46
another另一個 romantic浪漫 comedy喜劇 as long as he lives生活.
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愛情喜劇
10:49
So I've got all those things going for me.
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呢就是我分享嘅一切。
10:52
But just in case情況下,
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但系以防萬一,
10:54
I plan計劃 to work extra額外 hard努力
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我會更加努力
10:56
to not win贏得 an Oscar奧斯卡 anytime隨時 soon好快.
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儘量唔喺不久攞奧斯卡
10:59
And for the good of your relationships關係,
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為咗你自己嘅婚姻,
11:01
I would encourage鼓勵 you to do the same相同.
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我建議你做同樣嘅事。
11:03
I'll see you at the bar酒吧.
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我哋下次聯誼廳再見。
11:05
(Applause掌聲)
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(掌聲)
Translated by Raymond Ou
Reviewed by Yipeng Xie

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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Jenna McCarthy - Writer
Jenna McCarthy writes about relationships, marriage and parenting.

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Jenna McCarthy | Speaker | TED.com