TEDWomen 2018
Soraya Chemaly: The power of women's anger
Filmed:
Readability: 4.1
2,159,971 views
Anger is a powerful emotion -- it warns us of threat, insult, indignity and harm. But across the world, girls and women are taught that their anger is better left unvoiced, says author Soraya Chemaly. Why is that, and what might we lose in this silence? In a provocative, thoughtful talk, Chemaly explores the dangerous lie that anger isn't feminine, showing how women's rage is justified, healthy and a potential catalyst for change.
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
So sometimes I get angry,
0
644
2583
00:15
and it took me many years
to be able to say just those words.
to be able to say just those words.
1
3857
3518
00:20
In my work,
2
8125
1601
00:21
sometimes my body thrums, I'm so enraged.
3
9750
3027
00:26
But no matter how justified
my anger has been,
my anger has been,
4
14125
3533
00:30
throughout my life,
5
18023
1787
00:31
I've always been led to understand
that my anger is an exaggeration,
that my anger is an exaggeration,
6
19834
4937
00:36
a misrepresentation,
7
24795
1904
00:38
that it will make me rude and unlikable.
8
26723
2667
00:42
Mainly as a girl, I learned, as a girl,
that anger is an emotion
that anger is an emotion
9
30406
5487
00:47
better left entirely unvoiced.
10
35917
2708
00:51
Think about my mother for a minute.
11
39957
1880
00:53
When I was 15, I came home
from school one day,
from school one day,
12
41861
2803
00:56
and she was standing on a long veranda
outside of our kitchen,
outside of our kitchen,
13
44688
3418
01:00
holding a giant stack of plates.
14
48130
1727
01:02
Imagine how dumbfounded I was when she
started to throw them like Frisbees...
started to throw them like Frisbees...
15
50813
5455
01:08
(Laughter)
16
56292
1306
01:09
into the hot, humid air.
17
57622
2167
01:12
When every single plate had shattered
into thousands of pieces
into thousands of pieces
18
60511
3715
01:16
on the hill below,
19
64250
1226
01:17
she walked back in and she said to me,
cheerfully, "How was your day?"
cheerfully, "How was your day?"
20
65500
4223
01:21
(Laughter)
21
69747
3903
01:25
Now you can see how a child
would look at an incident like this
would look at an incident like this
22
73674
5076
01:31
and think that anger is silent, isolating,
destructive, even frightening.
destructive, even frightening.
23
79214
5203
01:37
Especially though when the person
who's angry is a girl or a woman.
who's angry is a girl or a woman.
24
85333
5810
01:43
The question is why.
25
91167
1500
01:45
Anger is a human emotion,
neither good nor bad.
neither good nor bad.
26
93375
3208
01:49
It is actually a signal emotion.
27
97375
1559
01:50
It warns us of indignity, threat,
insult and harm.
insult and harm.
28
98958
3875
01:55
And yet, in culture after culture,
anger is reserved as the moral property
anger is reserved as the moral property
29
103625
5851
02:01
of boys and men.
30
109500
1292
02:03
Now, to be sure, there are differences.
31
111792
1858
02:05
So in the United States, for example,
32
113674
2260
02:07
an angry black man
is viewed as a criminal,
is viewed as a criminal,
33
115958
4018
02:12
but an angry white man has civic virtue.
34
120000
2583
02:15
Regardless of where we are, however,
the emotion is gendered.
the emotion is gendered.
35
123500
3833
02:19
And so we teach children to disdain anger
in girls and women,
in girls and women,
36
127917
4787
02:24
and we grow up to be adults
that penalize it.
that penalize it.
37
132728
3682
02:29
So what if we didn't do that?
38
137917
1628
02:32
What if we didn't sever
anger from femininity?
anger from femininity?
39
140708
3456
02:36
Because severing anger from femininity
means we sever girls and women
means we sever girls and women
40
144188
3788
02:40
from the emotion that best
protects us from injustice.
protects us from injustice.
41
148000
3226
02:43
What if instead we thought about
developing emotional competence
developing emotional competence
42
151583
4088
02:47
for boys and girls?
43
155695
1316
02:49
The fact is we still
remarkably socialize children
remarkably socialize children
44
157833
3749
02:53
in very binary and oppositional ways.
45
161606
2269
02:56
Boys are held to absurd,
rigid norms of masculinity --
rigid norms of masculinity --
46
164500
4924
03:01
told to renounce the feminine emotionality
of sadness or fear
of sadness or fear
47
169448
4070
03:05
and to embrace aggression and anger
as markers of real manhood.
as markers of real manhood.
48
173542
3625
03:10
On the other hand,
girls learn to be deferential,
girls learn to be deferential,
49
178083
4435
03:14
and anger is incompatible with deference.
50
182542
3000
03:18
In the same way that we learned
to cross our legs and tame our hair,
to cross our legs and tame our hair,
51
186081
5167
03:24
we learned to bite our tongues
and swallow our pride.
and swallow our pride.
52
192167
2843
03:28
What happens too often
is that for all of us,
is that for all of us,
53
196208
3845
03:32
indignity becomes imminent
in our notions of femininity.
in our notions of femininity.
54
200077
3271
03:36
There's a long personal and political
tale to that bifurcation.
tale to that bifurcation.
55
204674
4658
03:42
In anger, we go from being
spoiled princesses and hormonal teens,
spoiled princesses and hormonal teens,
56
210205
5594
03:47
to high maintenance women
and shrill, ugly nags.
and shrill, ugly nags.
57
215823
4317
03:52
We have flavors, though; pick your flavor.
58
220600
2104
03:55
Are you a spicy hot Latina
when you're mad?
when you're mad?
59
223208
3039
03:58
Or a sad Asian girl? An angry black woman?
Or a crazy white one?
Or a crazy white one?
60
226549
5666
04:05
You can pick.
61
233675
1426
04:07
But in fact, the effect is
that when we say what's important to us,
that when we say what's important to us,
62
235125
4675
04:11
which is what anger is conveying,
63
239824
2277
04:14
people are more likely
to get angry at us for being angry.
to get angry at us for being angry.
64
242125
3875
04:18
Whether we're at home or in school
or at work or in a political arena,
or at work or in a political arena,
65
246708
5209
04:24
anger confirms masculinity,
and it confounds femininity.
and it confounds femininity.
66
252417
3999
04:29
So men are rewarded for displaying it,
67
257055
2747
04:31
and women are penalized
for doing the same.
for doing the same.
68
259826
2584
04:35
This puts us at an enormous disadvantage,
69
263917
2606
04:38
particularly when we have to defend
ourselves and our own interests.
ourselves and our own interests.
70
266547
3920
04:43
If we're faced with a threatening
street harasser, predatory employer,
street harasser, predatory employer,
71
271583
4127
04:47
a sexist, racist classmate,
72
275734
2039
04:50
our brains are screaming,
"Are you kidding me?"
"Are you kidding me?"
73
278311
3944
04:54
And our mouths say, "I'm sorry, what?"
74
282922
2921
04:58
(Laughter)
75
286208
2685
05:00
Right?
76
288917
1243
05:03
And it's conflicting because
the anger gets all tangled up
the anger gets all tangled up
77
291097
3134
05:06
with the anxiety and the fear
and the risk and retaliation.
and the risk and retaliation.
78
294255
3429
05:09
If you ask women what they fear the most
in response to their anger,
in response to their anger,
79
297708
3652
05:13
they don't say violence.
80
301384
1595
05:15
They say mockery.
81
303003
1455
05:17
Think about what that means.
82
305233
1405
05:20
If you have multiple marginalized
identities, it's not just mockery.
identities, it's not just mockery.
83
308487
4238
05:25
If you defend yourself,
if you put a stake in the ground,
if you put a stake in the ground,
84
313050
4031
05:29
there can be dire consequences.
85
317423
2023
05:32
Now we reproduce these patterns
not in big, bold and blunt ways,
not in big, bold and blunt ways,
86
320113
4905
05:37
but in the everyday banality of life.
87
325042
2670
05:41
When my daughter was in preschool,
every single morning
every single morning
88
329000
3101
05:44
she built an elaborate castle --
ribbons and blocks --
ribbons and blocks --
89
332125
3434
05:47
and every single morning the same boy
knocked it down gleefully.
knocked it down gleefully.
90
335583
3048
05:51
His parents were there, but they never
intervened before the fact.
intervened before the fact.
91
339708
4084
05:56
They were happy to provide
platitudes afterwards:
platitudes afterwards:
92
344432
3151
06:00
"Boys will be boys."
93
348208
1667
06:02
"It's so tempting, he just
couldn't help himself."
couldn't help himself."
94
350292
3041
06:06
I did what many girls
and women learn to do.
and women learn to do.
95
354292
3812
06:10
I preemptively kept the peace,
96
358128
2078
06:12
and I taught my daughter
to do the same thing.
to do the same thing.
97
360230
2531
06:15
She used her words.
98
363460
1976
06:18
She tried to gently body block him.
99
366333
2250
06:20
She moved where she was building
in the classroom, to no effect.
in the classroom, to no effect.
100
368958
4041
06:25
So I and the other adults mutually
constructed a particular male entitlement.
constructed a particular male entitlement.
101
373777
5978
06:32
He could run rampant
and control the environment,
and control the environment,
102
380417
2830
06:35
and she kept her feelings to herself
and worked around his needs.
and worked around his needs.
103
383747
4603
06:41
We failed both of them
by not giving her anger the uptake
by not giving her anger the uptake
104
389080
4313
06:45
and resolution that it deserved.
105
393417
2000
06:48
Now that's a microcosm
of a much bigger problem.
of a much bigger problem.
106
396103
3341
06:51
Because culturally, worldwide,
107
399881
3373
06:55
we preference the performance
of masculinity --
of masculinity --
108
403929
3642
06:59
and the power and privilege
that come with that performance --
that come with that performance --
109
407873
3166
07:03
over the rights and needs and words
of children and women.
of children and women.
110
411063
4104
07:08
So it will come as absolutely no surprise,
probably, to the people in this room
probably, to the people in this room
111
416917
4451
07:13
that women report being angrier in more
sustained ways and with more intensity
sustained ways and with more intensity
112
421392
5972
07:19
than men do.
113
427388
1150
07:21
Some of that comes from the fact
that we're socialized to ruminate,
that we're socialized to ruminate,
114
429710
3207
07:24
to keep it to ourselves and mull it over.
115
432941
1960
07:27
But we also have to find
socially palatable ways
socially palatable ways
116
435750
3651
07:31
to express the intensity
of emotion that we have
of emotion that we have
117
439425
3316
07:35
and the awareness
that it brings of our precarity.
that it brings of our precarity.
118
443248
3556
07:39
So we do several things.
119
447630
1579
07:42
If men knew how often women were filled
with white hot rage when we cried,
with white hot rage when we cried,
120
450186
5415
07:47
they would be staggered.
121
455625
1458
07:49
(Laughter)
122
457402
1657
07:51
We use minimizing language.
123
459083
1581
07:53
"We're frustrated. No, really, it's OK."
124
461042
2392
07:55
(Laughter)
125
463458
1875
07:57
We self-objectify and lose the ability
126
465917
3086
08:01
to even recognize the physiological
changes that indicate anger.
changes that indicate anger.
127
469027
5642
08:07
Mainly, though, we get sick.
128
475667
2352
08:11
Anger has now been implicated
in a whole array of illnesses
in a whole array of illnesses
129
479125
4561
08:15
that are casually dismissed
as "women's illnesses."
as "women's illnesses."
130
483710
2833
08:19
Higher rates of chronic pain,
autoimmune disorders, disordered eating,
autoimmune disorders, disordered eating,
131
487210
5563
08:24
mental distress, anxiety,
self harm, depression.
self harm, depression.
132
492797
3444
08:29
Anger affects our immune systems,
our cardiovascular systems.
our cardiovascular systems.
133
497257
4093
08:33
Some studies even indicate
that it affects mortality rates,
that it affects mortality rates,
134
501374
4319
08:37
particularly in black women with cancer.
135
505717
2364
08:42
I am sick and tired of the women
I know being sick and tired.
I know being sick and tired.
136
510271
4595
08:49
Our anger brings great discomfort,
137
517198
2524
08:52
and the conflict comes because
it's our role to bring comfort.
it's our role to bring comfort.
138
520246
4159
08:57
There is anger that's acceptable.
139
525372
1572
08:58
We can be angry when we stay in our lanes
and buttress the status quo.
and buttress the status quo.
140
526968
5771
09:05
As mothers or teachers,
141
533255
2103
09:08
we can be mad, but we can't be angry
about the tremendous costs of nurturing.
about the tremendous costs of nurturing.
142
536167
4969
09:13
We can be angry at our mothers.
143
541875
1768
09:15
Let's say, as teenagers --
patriarchal rules and regulations --
patriarchal rules and regulations --
144
543667
3705
09:19
we don't blame systems, we blame them.
145
547396
2206
09:21
We can be angry at other women,
because who doesn't love a good catfight?
because who doesn't love a good catfight?
146
549626
3916
09:26
And we can be angry at men with
lower status in an expressive hierarchy
lower status in an expressive hierarchy
147
554411
5548
09:32
that supports racism or xenophobia.
148
560284
2466
09:35
But we have an enormous power in this.
149
563864
2295
09:38
Because feelings are the purview
of our authority,
of our authority,
150
566543
3989
09:43
and people are uncomfortable
with our anger.
with our anger.
151
571625
2547
09:46
We should be making people comfortable
with the discomfort they feel
with the discomfort they feel
152
574792
4610
09:51
when women say no, unapologetically.
153
579426
2952
09:55
We can take emotions and think in terms
of competence and not gender.
of competence and not gender.
154
583917
4666
10:01
People who are able to process their anger
and make meaning from it
and make meaning from it
155
589465
3929
10:05
are more creative, more optimistic,
156
593798
2660
10:08
they have more intimacy,
157
596958
1334
10:10
they're better problem solvers,
158
598917
1556
10:14
they have greater political efficacy.
159
602260
2259
10:17
Now I am a woman
writing about women and feelings,
writing about women and feelings,
160
605251
3189
10:20
so very few men with power
161
608464
2658
10:23
are going to take what I'm saying
seriously, as a matter of politics.
seriously, as a matter of politics.
162
611146
3960
10:27
We think of politics and anger in terms
of the contempt and disdain and fury
of the contempt and disdain and fury
163
615789
5948
10:33
that are feeding a rise
of macho-fascism in the world.
of macho-fascism in the world.
164
621761
2956
10:37
But if it's that poison,
it's also the antidote.
it's also the antidote.
165
625375
3144
10:41
We have an anger of hope,
and we see it every single day
and we see it every single day
166
629542
3854
10:45
in the resistant anger of women
and marginalized people.
and marginalized people.
167
633420
3786
10:49
It's related to compassion
and empathy and love,
and empathy and love,
168
637833
4501
10:54
and we should recognize
that anger as well.
that anger as well.
169
642358
3157
10:59
The issue is that societies that don't
respect women's anger don't respect women.
respect women's anger don't respect women.
170
647643
6982
11:07
The real danger of our anger isn't that
it will break bonds or plates.
it will break bonds or plates.
171
655543
6012
11:14
It's that it exactly shows
how seriously we take ourselves,
how seriously we take ourselves,
172
662167
5106
11:19
and we expect other people
to take us seriously as well.
to take us seriously as well.
173
667297
3904
11:24
When that happens, chances are very good
174
672074
3860
11:27
that women will be able to smile
when they want to.
when they want to.
175
675958
4209
11:33
(Applause)
176
681285
1389
11:34
Thank you.
177
682698
1151
11:35
(Applause) (Cheers)
178
683873
6690
Translated by Ellen Maloney
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Soraya Chemaly - Writer, activistSoraya Chemaly writes and thinks about social justice.
Why you should listen
Soraya Chemaly is an award-winning journalist, essayist and author whose work appears regularly in national and international media. In her writing, she rigorously and irreverently casts a bright, incisive light on what it means to be a woman in world built by men. Her narrative skill, careful research and humor-filled analyses described by the New Yorker as "relentless and revelatory." She brings these skills to bear in a critical examination of the social construction of anger and its effects on women's lives in her first book, Rage Becomes Her: The Power of Women's Anger.
Soraya Chemaly | Speaker | TED.com