TED2017
Guy Winch: How to fix a broken heart
Guy Winch: Kako pozdraviti strto srce
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Enkrat v svojem življenju bo skoraj vsak od nas imel strto srce. Kako drugačne bi bile stvari, če bi več pozornosti posvečali tej izjemni čustveni bolečini. Psiholog Guy Winch razkrije, da strto srce začnemo zdraviti z odločitvijo, da se bomo uprli nagonu po idealiziranju ter iskanju odgovorov, ki jih ni - in ponudi orodja, ki nam omogočijo, da gremo preko tega. Naša srca so lahko kdaj strta, a ni treba, da se tudi sami stremo z njimi.
Guy Winch - Psychologist, author
Guy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches. Full bio
Guy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
At some point in our lives,
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Enkrat v svojem življenju
00:14
almost every one of us
will have our heart broken.
will have our heart broken.
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bo skoraj vsak od nas imel strto srce.
Moja bolnica Kathy je načrtovala poroko,
00:18
My patient Kathy planned her wedding
when she was in middle school.
when she was in middle school.
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ko je bila v srednji šoli.
00:23
She would meet her future husband
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Svojega bodočega moža
00:25
by age 27,
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bo spoznala do 27 leta,
00:26
get engaged a year later
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se zaročila leto kasneje
00:28
and get married a year after that.
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in se poročila leto dni po tem.
00:31
But when Kathy turned 27,
she didn't find a husband.
she didn't find a husband.
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Toda pri 27 Kathy ni našla moža.
00:35
She found a lump in her breast.
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Našla je tumor v prsih.
00:38
She went through many months
of harsh chemotherapy
of harsh chemotherapy
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Šla je skozi mesece krutih kemoterapij
00:41
and painful surgeries,
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in bolečih operacij, in potem,
00:43
and then just as she was ready
to jump back into the dating world,
to jump back into the dating world,
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ko je bila pripravljena spet iskati moža,
00:47
she found a lump in her other breast
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je našla tumor v drugi dojki
00:50
and had to do it all over again.
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in je morala skozi vse še enkrat.
00:53
Kathy recovered, though,
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Kathy si je opomogla
00:54
and she was eager to resume
her search for a husband
her search for a husband
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in je nameravala nadaljevati iskanje moža
00:57
as soon as her eyebrows grew back in.
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takoj, ko bi ji obrvi zrasle nazaj.
01:00
When you're going
on first dates in New York City,
on first dates in New York City,
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Ko greš na prve zmenke v New Yorku,
moraš biti sposoben
izraziti široko paleto čustev.
izraziti široko paleto čustev.
01:02
you need to be able to express
a wide range of emotions.
a wide range of emotions.
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01:05
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
01:07
Soon afterwards,
she met Rich and fell in love.
she met Rich and fell in love.
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Kmalu zatem je spoznala Richa
in se zaljubila.
in se zaljubila.
01:10
The relationship was everything
she hoped it would be.
she hoped it would be.
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Razmerje je bilo tako,
kot si ga je želela.
kot si ga je želela.
01:14
Six months later,
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Šest mesecev kasneje,
01:15
after a lovely weekend in New England,
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po lepem vikendu v Novi Angliji,
je Rich rezerviral mizo
01:18
Rich made reservations
at their favorite romantic restaurant.
at their favorite romantic restaurant.
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v najljubši romantični restavraciji.
01:22
Kathy knew he was going to propose,
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Kathy vedela, da jo bo zaprosil
01:24
and she could barely
contain her excitement.
contain her excitement.
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in je komaj krotila svoje vznemirjenje.
01:28
But Rich did not propose
to Kathy that night.
to Kathy that night.
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Ampak tisto noč Rich ni zaprosil Kathy.
01:31
He broke up with her.
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Razšel se je z njo.
01:33
As deeply as he cared
for Kathy -- and he did --
for Kathy -- and he did --
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Čeprav je imel Kathy zelo rad
- in jo je zares imel -
01:36
he simply wasn't in love.
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je preprosto ni ljubil.
01:39
Kathy was shattered.
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Kathy je bila uničena.
01:41
Her heart was truly broken,
and she now faced yet another recovery.
and she now faced yet another recovery.
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Njeno srce je bilo res strto
in zdaj jo čaka še eno okrevanje.
01:46
But five months after the breakup,
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A pet mesecev po razhodu
01:49
Kathy still couldn't stop
thinking about Rich.
thinking about Rich.
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Kathy še vedno ni mogla
nehati misliti na Richa.
nehati misliti na Richa.
01:52
Her heart was still very much broken.
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Njeno srce je bilo še vedno zelo razklano.
01:56
The question is:
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Vprašanje je:
zakaj?
01:57
Why?
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01:59
Why was this incredibly strong
and determined woman
and determined woman
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Zakaj ta neverjetno močna
in odločna ženska
in odločna ženska
02:03
unable to marshal the same
emotional resources
emotional resources
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ni mogla uporabiti
tistih čustvenih orodij,
tistih čustvenih orodij,
02:06
that got her through four years
of cancer treatments?
of cancer treatments?
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ki so ji pomagala
v štirih letih zdravljenja raka?
v štirih letih zdravljenja raka?
02:10
Why do so many of us flounder
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Zakaj tako mnogi od nas odpovemo,
02:12
when we're trying
to recover from heartbreak?
to recover from heartbreak?
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ko se trudimo,
da bi si opomogli od žalosti?
da bi si opomogli od žalosti?
02:16
Why do the same coping mechanisms
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Zakaj nas isti mehanizmi,
02:18
that get us through all kinds
of life challenges
of life challenges
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ki nas izvlečejo iz vseh vrst
življenjskih izzivov,
življenjskih izzivov,
tako klavrno puste na cedilu,
ko je naše srce strto?
ko je naše srce strto?
02:21
fail us so miserably
when our heart gets broken?
when our heart gets broken?
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02:25
In over 20 years of private practice,
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V več kot 20 letih zasebne prakse
02:28
I have seen people
of every age and background
of every age and background
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sem videl ljudi vseh starosti in izvorov
soočene z vsemi oblikami žalosti
02:31
face every manner of heartbreak,
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02:33
and what I've learned is this:
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in tisto, kar sem se naučil, je to:
02:36
when your heart is broken,
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če je tvoje srce strto,
te bodo tisti nagoni,
na katere se običajno zanašaš,
na katere se običajno zanašaš,
02:39
the same instincts you ordinarily rely on
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02:42
will time and again lead you
down the wrong path.
down the wrong path.
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vedno znova zapeljali na napačno pot.
02:46
You simply cannot trust
what your mind is telling you.
what your mind is telling you.
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Preprosto ne smeš zaupati svojemu umu.
02:51
For example, we know from studies
of heartbroken people
of heartbroken people
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Iz študij ljudi s strtim srcem
vemo, na primer,
vemo, na primer,
da je jasno razumevanje tega,
zakaj se je razmerje končalo,
zakaj se je razmerje končalo,
02:54
that having a clear understanding
of why the relationship ended
of why the relationship ended
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02:57
is really important
for our ability to move on.
for our ability to move on.
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zelo pomembno za to,
da gremo lahko naprej.
da gremo lahko naprej.
Vendar, vedno znova,
03:01
Yet time and again,
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ko dobimo preprosto in pošteno razlago,
03:03
when we are offered a simple
and honest explanation
and honest explanation
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03:06
like the one Rich offered Kathy,
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kot jo je Rich ponudil Kathy,
03:08
we reject it.
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jo zavrnemo.
Strto srce naredi tako
dramatično čustveno bolečino,
dramatično čustveno bolečino,
03:10
Heartbreak creates
such dramatic emotional pain,
such dramatic emotional pain,
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03:14
our mind tells us the cause
must be equally dramatic.
must be equally dramatic.
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nam naš um govori,
da mora biti razlog prav tako dramatičen.
da mora biti razlog prav tako dramatičen.
03:18
And that gut instinct is so powerful,
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In ta instinkt je tako močan,
03:21
it can make even the most reasonable
and measured of us
and measured of us
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da si lahko tudi najbolj
razumni in umirjeni
razumni in umirjeni
03:24
come up with mysteries
and conspiracy theories
and conspiracy theories
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izmišljamo skrivnosti in teorije zarot,
03:28
where none exist.
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ki jih ni.
Kathy je postala prepričana,
da se je moralo nekaj zgoditi
da se je moralo nekaj zgoditi
03:30
Kathy became convinced
something must have happened
something must have happened
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med romantičnim pobegom
z Richem, kar je skisalo odnos,
z Richem, kar je skisalo odnos,
03:32
during her romantic getaway with Rich
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03:34
that soured him on the relationship,
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in je postala obsedena z iskanjem,
kaj bi to bilo.
kaj bi to bilo.
03:36
and she became obsessed
with figuring out what that was.
with figuring out what that was.
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03:40
And so she spent countless hours
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In tako je preživela nešteto ur,
03:42
going through every minute
of that weekend in her mind,
of that weekend in her mind,
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v mislih podoživljala
vsako minuto tega vikenda
vsako minuto tega vikenda
03:45
searching her memory for clues
that were not there.
that were not there.
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in brskala po spominu
za namigi, ki jih tam ni bilo.
za namigi, ki jih tam ni bilo.
03:50
Kathy's mind tricked her
into initiating this wild goose chase.
into initiating this wild goose chase.
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Kathy je prevaral um,
da je začela ta jalov lov.
da je začela ta jalov lov.
03:54
But what compelled her to commit to it
for so many months?
for so many months?
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Le zakaj se mu je posvetila
toliko mesecev?
toliko mesecev?
03:59
Heartbreak is far more insidious
than we realize.
than we realize.
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Strto srce je veliko bolj zahrbtno,
kot se zavedamo.
kot se zavedamo.
04:03
There is a reason we keep going
down one rabbit hole after another,
down one rabbit hole after another,
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Obstaja razlog,
da hodimo iz ene slepe ulice v drugo,
čeprav vemo, da bo zaradi tega
počutje le slabše.
počutje le slabše.
04:08
even when we know it's going
to make us feel worse.
to make us feel worse.
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04:11
Brain studies have shown
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Raziskave možganov so pokazale,
04:13
that the withdrawal of romantic love
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da konec romantične ljubezni
sproži enake mehanizme, kot se sprožijo,
04:15
activates the same mechanisms
in our brain that get activated
in our brain that get activated
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ko se odvisniki odvajajo snovi,
04:19
when addicts are withdrawing
from substances like cocaine or opioids.
from substances like cocaine or opioids.
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kot so kokain ali opioidi.
04:25
Kathy was going through withdrawal.
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Kathy je šla skozi odvajanje.
04:27
And since she could not have
the heroin of actually being with Rich,
the heroin of actually being with Rich,
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In ker ni mogla imeti heroina
- biti z Richem,
04:31
her unconscious mind chose
the methadone of her memories with him.
the methadone of her memories with him.
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ji je podzavest dala metadon
- spomine nanj.
Instinkti so ji govorili,
da poskuša rešiti skrivnost,
da poskuša rešiti skrivnost,
04:37
Her instincts told her
she was trying to solve a mystery,
she was trying to solve a mystery,
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a v resnici se je drogirala.
04:40
but what she was actually doing
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04:41
was getting her fix.
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04:45
This is what makes heartbreak
so difficult to heal.
so difficult to heal.
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Zato je strto srce tako težko zdraviti.
04:49
Addicts know they're addicted.
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Odvisniki vedo, da so zasvojeni.
04:51
They know when they're shooting up.
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Vedo, kdaj vzamejo mamilo.
04:53
But heartbroken people do not.
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Toda ne ljudje s strtim srcem.
04:56
But you do now.
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Ampak zdaj veš.
04:58
And if your heart is broken,
you cannot ignore that.
you cannot ignore that.
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In če je tvoje srce strto,
tega ne smeš prezreti.
tega ne smeš prezreti.
Moraš razumeti,
pa naj bo želja še tako močna,
pa naj bo želja še tako močna,
05:02
You have to recognize that,
as compelling as the urge is,
as compelling as the urge is,
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da z vsakim potovanjem po poti spomina,
z vsakim sporočilom, ki ga pošlješ,
z vsakim sporočilom, ki ga pošlješ,
05:06
with every trip down memory lane,
every text you send,
every text you send,
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05:09
every second you spend
stalking your ex on social media,
stalking your ex on social media,
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z vsako sekundo, ko zalezuješ
bivšega partnerja na družabnih medijih,
bivšega partnerja na družabnih medijih,
samo napajaš zasvojenost,
05:13
you are just feeding your addiction,
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poglabljaš svojo čustveno bolečino
05:15
deepening your emotional pain
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05:17
and complicating your recovery.
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in otežuješ svoje ozdravljenje.
05:20
Getting over heartbreak is not a journey.
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Premagovanje žalosti ni pot.
05:23
It's a fight, and your reason
is your strongest weapon.
is your strongest weapon.
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Je boj, in tvoj razum je
tvoje najmočnejše orožje.
tvoje najmočnejše orožje.
05:27
There is no breakup explanation
that's going to feel satisfying.
that's going to feel satisfying.
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Nobena razlaga razhoda
te ne bo zadovoljila.
te ne bo zadovoljila.
05:31
No rationale can take away
the pain you feel.
the pain you feel.
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Nobeno razmišljanje
ti ne more odvzeti bolečine.
ti ne more odvzeti bolečine.
05:34
So don't search for one,
don't wait for one,
don't wait for one,
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Torej ne išči, ne čakaj,
05:37
just accept the one you were offered
or make up one yourself
or make up one yourself
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samo sprejmi ponujeno razlago,
ali pa si jo naredi sam,
ali pa si jo naredi sam,
05:40
and then put the question to rest,
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nato pa se ne sprašuj več,
05:42
because you need that closure
to resist the addiction.
to resist the addiction.
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kajti, da se upreš odvisnosti,
moraš nehati.
moraš nehati.
05:46
And you need something else as well:
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Pa še nekaj drugega potrebuješ:
05:50
you have to be willing to let go,
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moraš biti pripravljen odnehati
05:53
to accept that it's over.
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in se sprijazniti s tem, da je konec.
05:56
Otherwise, your mind
will feed on your hope
will feed on your hope
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Sicer se bo tvoj um napajal z upanjem
05:58
and set you back.
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in te potegnil nazaj.
06:01
Hope can be incredibly destructive
when your heart is broken.
when your heart is broken.
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Ko imaš strto srce, je upanje
lahko zelo uničujoče.
lahko zelo uničujoče.
06:07
Heartbreak is a master manipulator.
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Strto srce je mojster manipulator.
06:10
The ease with which it gets our mind
to do the absolute opposite
to do the absolute opposite
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Lahkota, s katero pripravi naš um,
da dela ravno nasprotno od tistega,
da dela ravno nasprotno od tistega,
kar bi bilo potrebno,
da si opomoremo, je nepopisna.
da si opomoremo, je nepopisna.
06:13
of what we need in order to recover
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06:16
is remarkable.
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Ena od najbolj pogostih teženj,
ki jih imamo, ko imamo strto srce,
ki jih imamo, ko imamo strto srce,
06:17
One of the most common tendencies
we have when our heart is broken
we have when our heart is broken
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06:21
is to idealize the person who broke it.
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je idealizirati osebo,
ki je to povzročila.
ki je to povzročila.
06:24
We spend hours remembering their smile,
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Ure porabimo, da se spominjamo nasmehov,
kako dobro smo se počutili ob njih,
06:27
how great they made us feel,
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06:29
that time we hiked up the mountain
and made love under the stars.
and made love under the stars.
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tistega dne, ko sva šla na goro
in se ljubila pod zvezdami.
in se ljubila pod zvezdami.
06:34
All that does is make our loss
feel more painful.
feel more painful.
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Vse to pa naredi našo izgubo
še bolj bolečo.
še bolj bolečo.
06:38
We know that.
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To vemo.
06:40
Yet we still allow our mind to cycle
through one greatest hit after another,
through one greatest hit after another,
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Pa vseeno dopuščamo, da naš um skače
z enega lepega spomina na drugega,
06:45
like we were being held hostage by our own
passive-aggressive Spotify playlist.
passive-aggressive Spotify playlist.
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kot da smo talec lastne
pasivno-agresivne veseloigre.
pasivno-agresivne veseloigre.
06:49
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
06:54
Heartbreak will make those thoughts
pop into your mind.
pop into your mind.
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Strto srce bo te misli
sejalo v tvojo glavo.
sejalo v tvojo glavo.
Da se izogneš idealiziranju,
06:57
And so to avoid idealizing,
you have to balance them out
you have to balance them out
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jih moraš uravnotežiti,
se spominjati tudi mrščenja,
ne le nasmeha,
ne le nasmeha,
07:00
by remembering their frown,
not just their smile,
not just their smile,
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slabega počutja ob tem,
07:04
how bad they made you feel,
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dejstva, da sta se po ljubljenju na gori
na poti nazaj izgubila,
na poti nazaj izgubila,
07:06
the fact that after the lovemaking,
you got lost coming down the mountain,
you got lost coming down the mountain,
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07:10
argued like crazy
and didn't speak for two days.
and didn't speak for two days.
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se tako noro sprla,
da nista govorila dva dni.
da nista govorila dva dni.
Svojim bolnikom naročim,
07:14
What I tell my patients
is to compile an exhaustive list
is to compile an exhaustive list
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naj sestavijo izčrpen seznam vsega,
kar je bilo narobe,
07:18
of all the ways
the person was wrong for you,
the person was wrong for you,
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07:21
all the bad qualities, all the pet peeves,
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vse slabe lastnosti, vse zoprnije,
07:23
and then keep it on your phone.
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in to shranijo na telefon.
07:25
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
07:27
And once you have your list,
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In ko imaš seznam,
07:29
you have to use it.
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ga moraš uporabiti.
07:30
When I hear even a hint of idealizing
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Ko zaslišim le senco idealiziranja
07:33
or the faintest whiff
of nostalgia in a session,
of nostalgia in a session,
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ali najmanjši pridih hrepenenja v seji,
07:36
I go, "Phone, please."
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rečem: “Telefon, prosim."
07:38
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
07:41
Your mind will try to tell you
they were perfect.
they were perfect.
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Um ti bo poskušal povedati,
da je bil bivši popoln.
da je bil bivši popoln.
07:43
But they were not,
and neither was the relationship.
and neither was the relationship.
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Ampak ni bil, in tudi razmerje ne.
07:46
And if you want to get over them,
you have to remind yourself of that,
you have to remind yourself of that,
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In če želiš preboleti,
se boš moral na to opominjati,
se boš moral na to opominjati,
07:50
frequently.
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in to pogosto.
07:52
None of us is immune to heartbreak.
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Nihče od nas ni imun na žalost.
07:55
My patient Miguel was a 56-year-old
senior executive in a software company.
senior executive in a software company.
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Moj pacient Miguel je bil 56 letni
višji izvršni direktor
v programerskem podjetju.
v programerskem podjetju.
08:01
Five years after his wife died,
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Pet let po smrti žene
08:03
he finally felt ready
to start dating again.
to start dating again.
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je bil le nared, da si poišče novo zvezo.
08:06
He soon met Sharon,
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Kmalu je spoznal Sharon
08:07
and a whirlwind romance ensued.
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in sledila je viharna romanca.
08:10
They introduced each other
to their adult children after one month,
to their adult children after one month,
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Predstavila sta drug drugega
svojim odraslim otrokom po enem mesecu
svojim odraslim otrokom po enem mesecu
08:13
and they moved in together after two.
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in se po drugem preselila skupaj.
08:16
When middle-aged people date,
they don't mess around.
they don't mess around.
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Ko se ljudje srednjih let vnamejo,
ne izgubljajo prav nič časa.
ne izgubljajo prav nič časa.
08:20
It's like "Love, Actually"
meets "The Fast and the Furious."
meets "The Fast and the Furious."
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Je, kot da bi "Pravzaprav ljubezen"
srečala "Hitre in drzne."
srečala "Hitre in drzne."
08:23
(Laughter)
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(Smeh)
08:26
Miguel was happier
than he had been in years.
than he had been in years.
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Miguel je bil srečen, kot že leta ne.
Toda na noč pred prvo obletnico
08:29
But the night before
their first anniversary,
their first anniversary,
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08:32
Sharon left him.
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ga je Sharon zapustila.
08:34
She had decided to move to the West Coast
to be closer to her children,
to be closer to her children,
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Odločila se je, da se bo preselila
na zahodno obalo, bližje svojim otrokom
na zahodno obalo, bližje svojim otrokom
in ni hotela razmerja na daleč.
08:38
and she didn't want
a long-distance relationship.
a long-distance relationship.
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Miguel je bil popolnoma presenečen
08:41
Miguel was totally blindsided
and utterly devastated.
and utterly devastated.
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in popolnoma uničen.
Dolge mesece je delal le z največjo težavo
08:46
He barely functioned at work
for many, many months,
for many, many months,
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08:49
and he almost lost his job as a result.
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in bi zato skoraj izgubil službo.
08:52
Another consequence of heartbreak
is that feeling alone and in pain
is that feeling alone and in pain
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Druga posledica žalosti je,
da osamljenost in bolečina lahko bistveno
zmanjšata našo razumsko delovanje,
zmanjšata našo razumsko delovanje,
08:56
can significantly impair
our intellectual functioning,
our intellectual functioning,
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predvsem pri opravljanju zahtevnih nalog,
ki vključujejo logiko in razmišljanje.
ki vključujejo logiko in razmišljanje.
08:59
especially when performing complex tasks
involving logic and reasoning.
involving logic and reasoning.
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Začasno se zniža
naš inteligenčni kvocient.
naš inteligenčni kvocient.
09:04
It temporarily lowers our IQ.
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09:08
But it wasn't just the intensity
of Miguel's grief
of Miguel's grief
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Ni bila le silovitost Miguelove žalosti,
kar je zmedlo njegove delodajalce;
09:11
that confused his employers;
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09:13
it was the duration.
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bilo je trajanje.
09:15
Miguel was confused by this as well
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Tudi Miguel je bil zbegan zaradi tega
09:18
and really quite embarrassed by it.
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in res mu je bilo precej nerodno.
09:20
"What's wrong with me?"
he asked me in our session.
he asked me in our session.
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"Kaj je narobe z mano?"
me je vprašal na seji.
me je vprašal na seji.
09:23
"What adult spends almost a year
getting over a one-year relationship?"
getting over a one-year relationship?"
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"Kateri odrasel človek porabi skoraj
eno leto, da preboli enoletno razmerje?"
eno leto, da preboli enoletno razmerje?"
09:27
Actually, many do.
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V resnici je takih veliko.
09:31
Heartbreak shares all the hallmarks
of traditional loss and grief:
of traditional loss and grief:
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Strto srce ima vse značilnosti
tradicionalne izgube in žalosti:
tradicionalne izgube in žalosti:
09:36
insomnia, intrusive thoughts,
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nespečnost, vsiljive misli,
09:38
immune system dysfunction.
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slabo delovanje imunskega sistema.
09:40
Forty percent of people experience
clinically measurable depression.
clinically measurable depression.
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Štirideset odstotkov ljudi doživi
klinično merljivo depresijo.
klinično merljivo depresijo.
09:45
Heartbreak is a complex
psychological injury.
psychological injury.
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Strto srce je zapletena
psihološka poškodba.
psihološka poškodba.
09:49
It impacts us in a multitude of ways.
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Prizadene nas na številne načine.
09:52
For example, Sharon was both very social
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Na primer, Sharon je bila zelo družabna
09:55
and very active.
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in zelo aktivna.
09:56
She had dinners at the house every week.
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Vsak teden je doma gostila večerje.
09:59
She and Miguel went on camping trips
with other couples.
with other couples.
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Z Miguelom sta hodila
na šotorjenje z drugimi pari.
na šotorjenje z drugimi pari.
10:02
Although Miguel was not religious,
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Čeprav Miguel ni bil veren,
10:04
he accompanied Sharon
to church every Sunday,
to church every Sunday,
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je vsako nedeljo
spremljal Sharon v cerkev,
spremljal Sharon v cerkev,
10:06
where he was welcomed
into the congregation.
into the congregation.
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kjer ga je skupnost sprejela.
10:09
Miguel didn't just lose his girlfriend;
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Miguel ni samo izgubili svoje dekle;
10:12
he lost his entire social life,
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izgubil je celotno družbeno življenje,
10:15
the supportive community
of Sharon's church.
of Sharon's church.
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podporo skupnosti Sharonine cerkve.
10:17
He lost his identity as a couple.
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Izgubil je svojo identiteto para.
10:20
Now, Miguel recognized the breakup
had left this huge void in his life,
had left this huge void in his life,
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Miguel je spoznal, da je razhod
pustil veliko praznino v življenju,
pustil veliko praznino v življenju,
ni pa spoznal,
10:24
but what he failed to recognize
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da je praznin veliko več.
10:27
is that it left far more than just one.
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10:30
And that is crucial,
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In to je ključno,
ne le, ker pojasnjuje,
10:32
not just because it explains
why heartbreak could be so devastating,
why heartbreak could be so devastating,
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zakaj je strto srce tako uničujoče,
10:37
but because it tells us how to heal.
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ampak ker pove, kakšno mora biti zdravilo.
10:40
To fix your broken heart,
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Če želiš popraviti strto srce,
10:43
you have to identify these voids
in your life and fill them,
in your life and fill them,
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moraš prepoznati te praznine
v svojem življenju in jih napolniti,
v svojem življenju in jih napolniti,
10:46
and I mean all of them.
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vse do zadnje.
10:48
The voids in your identity:
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Praznine v identiteti:
10:50
you have to reestablish who you are
and what your life is about.
and what your life is about.
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moral boš ponovno določiti,
kdo si in kaj hočeš od življenja.
kdo si in kaj hočeš od življenja.
10:54
The voids in your social life,
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Praznine v družabnem življenju,
10:55
the missing activities,
even the empty spaces on the wall
even the empty spaces on the wall
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manjkajoče aktivnosti,
celo praznine na stenah,
celo praznine na stenah,
10:58
where pictures used to hang.
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kjer so prej visele slike.
11:01
But none of that will do any good
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Toda nič od tega ne bo pomagalo,
11:03
unless you prevent the mistakes
that can set you back,
that can set you back,
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če ne preprečiš napak,
ki te lahko potegnejo nazaj,
ki te lahko potegnejo nazaj,
11:06
the unnecessary searches for explanations,
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v nepotrebno iskanje pojasnil,
v idealiziranje svojega bivšega, namesto
osredotočanja na to, da ni bil pravi zate,
osredotočanja na to, da ni bil pravi zate,
11:09
idealizing your ex instead of focusing
on how they were wrong for you,
on how they were wrong for you,
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da še gojiš misli,
11:13
indulging thoughts and behaviors
that still give them a starring role
that still give them a starring role
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ki mu še dajejo glavno vlogo
v tem poglavju tvojega življenja,
v tem poglavju tvojega življenja,
11:17
in this next chapter of your life
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11:19
when they shouldn't be an extra.
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ko ne bi smel biti nič posebnega.
Preboleti žalost je težko,
11:22
Getting over heartbreak is hard,
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če pa preprečiš, da bi te um zavajal,
11:24
but if you refuse to be misled
by your mind and you take steps to heal,
by your mind and you take steps to heal,
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in delaš korake k ozdravljenju,
lahko bistveno zmanjšaš svoje trpljenje.
lahko bistveno zmanjšaš svoje trpljenje.
11:29
you can significantly minimize
your suffering.
your suffering.
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11:32
And it won't just be you
who benefit from that.
who benefit from that.
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Od tega ne boš imel korist samo ti.
11:34
You'll be more present with your friends,
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Več boš skupaj s prijatelji,
11:36
more engaged with your family,
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več se boš ukvarjal s svojo družino,
11:39
not to mention the billions of dollars
of compromised productivity
of compromised productivity
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da ne omenjam milijardne škode zaradi
slabšega dela, kar se da preprečiti.
slabšega dela, kar se da preprečiti.
11:43
in the workplace that could be avoided.
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11:46
So if you know someone who is heartbroken,
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Če torej poznaš koga s strtim srcem,
11:49
have compassion,
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sočustvuj z njim,
saj je ugotovljeno, da je podpora družbe
pomembna za to, da si opomore.
pomembna za to, da si opomore.
11:50
because social support has been found
to be important for their recovery.
to be important for their recovery.
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11:55
And have patience,
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In bodi potrpežljiv,
11:57
because it's going to take them longer
to move on than you think it should.
to move on than you think it should.
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ker pobiranje traja dlje,
kot misliš, da bi smelo.
kot misliš, da bi smelo.
12:01
And if you're hurting,
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In če boli tebe,
12:03
know this:
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vedi to:
12:05
it's difficult, it is a battle
within your own mind,
within your own mind,
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je težko, bitka se odvija v tvojih mislih,
12:08
and you have to be diligent to win.
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in za zmago moraš biti pazljiv.
12:10
But you do have weapons.
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Ampak orožje imaš.
12:12
You can fight.
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Lahko se boriš.
12:14
And you will heal.
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In boš ozdravljen.
12:16
Thank you.
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Hvala.
12:17
(Applause)
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(Ploskanje)
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Guy Winch - Psychologist, authorGuy Winch asks us to take our emotional health as seriously as we take our physical health -- and explores how to heal from common heartaches.
Why you should listen
Guy Winch is a licensed psychologist who works with individuals, couples and families. As an advocate for psychological health, he has spent the last two decades adapting the findings of scientific studies into tools his patients, readers and audience members can use to enhance and maintain their mental health. As an identical twin with a keen eye for any signs of favoritism, he believes we need to practice emotional hygiene with the same diligence with which we practice personal and dental hygiene.
His recent book, Emotional First Aid: Healing Rejection, Guilt, Failure, and Other Everyday Hurts, has been translated in 24 languages. He writes the popular "Squeaky Wheel Blog" on PsychologyToday.com, and he is the author of The Squeaky Wheel: Complaining the Right Way to Get Results, Improve Your Relationships and Enhance Self-Esteem. His new book, How to Fix a Broken Heart, was published by TED Books/Simon & Schuster in 2017. He has also dabbled in stand-up comedy.
Guy Winch | Speaker | TED.com