TED2019
Katie Hood: The difference between healthy and unhealthy love
Katie Hood: Forskellen mellem sund og usund kærlighed
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Readability: 3.9
4,794,911 views
I dette foredrag om at forstå og praktisere kunsten at have sunde relationer, løfter Katie Hood sløret for fem tegn på, at du måske befinder dig i en usund relation -- med en kæreste, en ven eller et familiemedlem -- og fortæller, hvad du kan gøre i hverdagen for at elske med respekt, venlighed og glæde. "Kærlighed er et instinkt og en følelse", siger hun, "men evnen til at elske på en god måde er en færdighed, vi allesammen kan lære og arbejde på gennem livet".
Katie Hood - Relationship revolutionary
By educating young people about the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships, Katie Hood hopes to derail abusive behavior before it starts and impact the relationship health of an entire generation. Full bio
By educating young people about the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships, Katie Hood hopes to derail abusive behavior before it starts and impact the relationship health of an entire generation. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:12
So when you think about a child,
a close friend, or a romantic partner,
a close friend, or a romantic partner,
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Når man tænker på sit barn,
en nær ven, eller sin kæreste,
en nær ven, eller sin kæreste,
forbinder man det ofte
med ordet "kærlighed",
med ordet "kærlighed",
00:17
the word "love" probably comes to mind,
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og straks kommer der flere følelser til:
00:20
and instantly other emotions rush in:
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glæde og håb,
00:23
joy and hope,
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begejstring, tiltro og tryghed
00:25
excitement, trust and security,
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og ja, nogle gange skuffelse og bedrøvelse
00:28
and yes, sometimes
sadness and disappointment.
sadness and disappointment.
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00:31
There might not be
a word in the dictionary
a word in the dictionary
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Der er næppe et ord i ordbogen
som flere kan relatere til
end kærlighed.
end kærlighed.
00:33
that more of us
are connected to than love.
are connected to than love.
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Men i betragtning af,
hvor vigtigt det er for os
hvor vigtigt det er for os
00:37
Yet, given its central
importance in our lives,
importance in our lives,
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00:39
isn't it interesting that we're never
explicitly taught how to love?
explicitly taught how to love?
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er det så ikke mærkeligt, at vi
ikke lærer hvordan man egentlig elsker?
ikke lærer hvordan man egentlig elsker?
00:44
We build friendships,
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Vi opbygger venskaber
00:46
navigate early romantic relationships,
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håndterer vores første romantiske forhold,
00:48
get married and bring babies
home from the hospital
home from the hospital
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bliver gift og får børn
med en forventning om,
at vi finder ud af det.
at vi finder ud af det.
00:51
with the expectation
that we'll figure it out.
that we'll figure it out.
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00:54
But the truth is, we often
harm and disrespect the ones we love.
harm and disrespect the ones we love.
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Men sandheden er, at vi ofte
skader og nedgør dem, vi elsker.
skader og nedgør dem, vi elsker.
00:58
It can be subtle things
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Det kan være små ting,
som at presse en ven
til at bruge tid med en
til at bruge tid med en
00:59
like guilting a friend
into spending time with you
into spending time with you
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eller smuglæse sin kærestes beskeder
01:02
or sneaking a peak at your partner's texts
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01:06
or shaming a child
for their lack of effort at school.
for their lack of effort at school.
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eller at udskamme sit barn
for at tage for let på skolearbejdet.
for at tage for let på skolearbejdet.
Alle oplever
01:10
100 percent of us
will be on the receiving end
will be on the receiving end
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usund opførsel i en relation
01:12
of unhealthy relationship behaviors
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og alle gør usunde ting.
01:14
and 100 percent of us
will do unhealthy things.
will do unhealthy things.
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01:17
It's part of being human.
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Det er en del af at være menneske.
Når den er allerværst,
tager den skade, vi volder hinanden
tager den skade, vi volder hinanden
01:20
In its worst form,
the harm we inflict on loved ones
the harm we inflict on loved ones
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01:23
shows up as abuse and violence,
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form af mishandling og vold.
01:25
and relationship abuse
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og mishandling i et forhold
er noget, hver tredje kvinde
og hver fjerde mand
og hver fjerde mand
01:27
is something that one in three women
and one in four men
and one in four men
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oplever i løbet af deres liv.
01:30
will experience in their lifetime.
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Hvis du er som de fleste,
der hører om de tal,
der hører om de tal,
01:32
Now, if you're like most people,
when you hear those stats,
when you hear those stats,
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vil du straks sige: "Den slags
kunne aldrig ske for mig."
kunne aldrig ske for mig."
01:35
you'll go, "Oh, no, no, no,
that would never happen to me."
that would never happen to me."
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01:38
It's instinctual to move away
from the words "abuse" and "violence,"
from the words "abuse" and "violence,"
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Man tager instinktivt klar afstand
fra ord som "mishandling" og "vold".
fra ord som "mishandling" og "vold".
01:41
to think that they happen
to someone else somewhere else.
to someone else somewhere else.
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Man tænker, det kun sker
for andre, et andet sted.
for andre, et andet sted.
Men sandheden er, at usunde relationer
og mishandling er over det hele.
og mishandling er over det hele.
01:45
But the truth is, unhealthy relationships
and abuse are all around us.
and abuse are all around us.
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01:50
We just call them different things
and ignore the connection.
and ignore the connection.
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Vi kalder det bare noget andet
og ignorerer forbindelserne.
og ignorerer forbindelserne.
Mishandling sniger sig ind på os
forklædt i usund kærlighed.
forklædt i usund kærlighed.
01:54
Abuse sneaks up on us
disguised in unhealthy love.
disguised in unhealthy love.
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Jeg arbejder for organisationen One Love,
01:59
I work for an organization called One Love
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02:01
started by a family whose daughter
Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.
Yeardley was killed by her ex-boyfriend.
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startet af en familie, hvor datteren,
Yeardley, blev dræbt af sin ekskæreste
Yeardley, blev dræbt af sin ekskæreste
02:06
This was a tragedy no one saw coming,
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Det var en tragedie, ingen havde set komme
men da de kiggede tilbage,
kunne de se, at faresignalerne var der.
kunne de se, at faresignalerne var der.
02:09
but when they looked back,
they realized the warning signs were there
they realized the warning signs were there
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Der var bare ingen,
der havde forstået dem.
der havde forstået dem.
02:13
just no one understood
what they were seeing.
what they were seeing.
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Med ord som "skør", "drama"
og "lidt for meget at drikke",
og "lidt for meget at drikke",
02:16
Called crazy or drama
or too much drinking,
or too much drinking,
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blev hans opførsel bortforklaret
som noget andet end det, den var:
som noget andet end det, den var:
02:19
his actions weren't understood
to be what they really were,
to be what they really were,
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02:23
which was clear signs of danger.
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nemlig et tydeligt faresignal.
Hendes familie indså,
at hvis nogen havde lært
at hvis nogen havde lært
02:25
Her family realized that if anyone
had been educated about these signs,
had been educated about these signs,
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om den slags signaler,
kunne hendes død være undgået.
kunne hendes død være undgået.
02:29
her death could have been prevented.
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Så vores mission er at sikre os,
02:32
So today we're on a mission to make sure
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at andre ved det,
Yeardley og hendes venner ikke vidste.
Yeardley og hendes venner ikke vidste.
02:34
that others have the information
that Yeardley and her friends didn't.
that Yeardley and her friends didn't.
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Vi har tre overordnede mål:
02:37
We have three main goals:
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at udstyre alle med et sprog,
vi kan bruge til at tale om noget,
vi kan bruge til at tale om noget,
02:39
give all of us a language
for talking about a subject
for talking about a subject
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02:42
that's quite awkward
and uncomfortable to discuss;
and uncomfortable to discuss;
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der er ret akavet
og ubehageligt at tale om;
og ubehageligt at tale om;
02:46
empower a whole front line,
namely friends, to help;
namely friends, to help;
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at bevæbne en hel brigade af venner,
med redskaber til at hjælpe;
med redskaber til at hjælpe;
og samtidig lære alle
at elske på en bedre måde.
at elske på en bedre måde.
02:51
and, in the process, improve
all of our ability to love better.
all of our ability to love better.
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02:55
To do this, it's always important
to start by illuminating
to start by illuminating
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For at kunne gøre det,
er det vigtigt først at udpege
er det vigtigt først at udpege
de sygdomstegn, vi så tit overser.
02:59
the unhealthy signs
that we frequently miss,
that we frequently miss,
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03:01
and our work really focuses
on creating content
on creating content
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og vores arbejde
handler meget om at lave materiale
handler meget om at lave materiale
03:04
to start conversations with young people.
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til at komme i dialog med unge mennesker.
I sagens natur
er indholdet ret alvorligt
er indholdet ret alvorligt
03:07
As you'd expect, most of our content
is pretty serious,
is pretty serious,
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03:10
given the subject at hand,
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når nu emnet er så alvorligt,
men i dag vil jeg bruge
et af vores mere muntre
et af vores mere muntre
03:11
but today I'm going to use
one of our more light-hearted
one of our more light-hearted
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men stadig tankevækkende sæt:
03:14
yet still thought-provoking pieces,
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"Er det kærlighed?"
03:16
"The Couplets,"
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til at vise fem markører
for usund kærlighed
for usund kærlighed
03:17
to illuminate five markers
of unhealthy love.
of unhealthy love.
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03:21
The first is intensity.
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Den første er intensitet
A: Jeg har ikke set dig
i nogle dage. Jeg har savnet dig.
i nogle dage. Jeg har savnet dig.
03:24
(Video) Blue: I haven't seen you
in a couple days. I've missed you.
in a couple days. I've missed you.
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B: Jeg har også savnet dig.
(#kærlighed)
(#kærlighed)
03:27
Orange: I've missed you too. (#thatslove)
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A: Jeg har ikke set dig i fem minutter.
Det føles som en evighed.
Det føles som en evighed.
03:29
Blue: I haven't seen you in five minutes.
It feels like a lifetime.
It feels like a lifetime.
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Hvad har du lavet uden mig
i hele fem minutter?
i hele fem minutter?
03:32
What have you been doing
without me for five whole minutes?
without me for five whole minutes?
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B: Der er kun gået tre minutter.
(#ikkekærlighed)
(#ikkekærlighed)
03:35
Orange: It's been three minutes.
(#thatsnotlove)
(#thatsnotlove)
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03:38
Katie Hood: Anybody recognize that?
I don't know. I do.
I don't know. I do.
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Er der nogen, der kan genkende det?
Jeg kan godt.
Jeg kan godt.
Usunde forhold
er ikke usunde fra begyndelsen
er ikke usunde fra begyndelsen
03:42
Abusive relationships
don't start out abusive.
don't start out abusive.
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I begyndelsen er de fortryllende
03:44
They start out exciting and exhilarating.
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Følelserne er intense,
det er som en rus.
det er som en rus.
03:46
There's an intensity
of affection and emotion, a rush.
of affection and emotion, a rush.
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Det føles fantastisk.
03:49
It feels really good.
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03:51
You feel so lucky,
like you've hit the jackpot.
like you've hit the jackpot.
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Man føler sig heldig,
som om man har vundet i Lotto.
som om man har vundet i Lotto.
Men i et usundt forhold,
skifter disse følelser sig over tid
skifter disse følelser sig over tid
03:54
But in unhealthy love,
these feelings shift over time
these feelings shift over time
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fra fortryllende til overvældende
og måske lidt kvælende.
og måske lidt kvælende.
03:57
from exciting to overwhelming
and maybe a little bit suffocating.
and maybe a little bit suffocating.
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04:02
You feel it in your gut.
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Man kan mærke det i maven.
04:04
Maybe it's when your
new boyfriend or girlfriend
new boyfriend or girlfriend
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Måske er det når ens nye kæreste
siger "jeg elsker dig"
før man var parat til det
før man var parat til det
04:06
says "I love you"
faster than you were ready for
faster than you were ready for
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eller pludselig dukker op overalt
og skriver og ringer hele tiden.
og skriver og ringer hele tiden.
04:09
or starts showing up everywhere,
texting and calling a lot.
texting and calling a lot.
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04:13
Maybe they're impatient
when you're slow to respond,
when you're slow to respond,
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Måske er vedkommende utålmodig,
når man er længe om at svare.
når man er længe om at svare.
selvom de godt ved,
at man havde travlt den dag.
at man havde travlt den dag.
04:16
even though they know
you had other things going on that day.
you had other things going on that day.
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Det vigtige er ikke,
hvordan et forhold begynder,
hvordan et forhold begynder,
04:20
It's important to remember that it's not
how a relationship starts that matters,
how a relationship starts that matters,
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men hvordan det udvikler sig.
04:24
it's how it evolves.
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Det er vigtigt
i begyndelsen af et nyt forhold
i begyndelsen af et nyt forhold
04:25
It's important in the early days
of a new relationship
of a new relationship
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at være opmærksom på,
hvordan man har det.
hvordan man har det.
04:28
to pay attention to how you're feeling.
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Har du det okay med,
hvor hurtigt det bliver mere intimt?
hvor hurtigt det bliver mere intimt?
04:30
Are you comfortable
with the pace of intimacy?
with the pace of intimacy?
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Føler du, at der er plads til dig?
04:33
Do you feel like you have space
and room to breathe?
and room to breathe?
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Det er også meget vigtigt
at øve sig i at bruge sin stemme
at øve sig i at bruge sin stemme
04:36
It's also really important
to start practicing using your voice
to start practicing using your voice
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til at tale om sine egne behov.
04:40
to talk about your own needs.
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Bliver der lyttet, når du beder om noget?
04:42
Are your requests respected?
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En anden markør er isolation.
04:45
A second marker is isolation.
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04:49
(Video) Orange 2: Want to hang out?
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A: Skal vi ses?
B: Jeg skal se film med kæresten
#kærlighed
#kærlighed
04:51
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend
always have Monday Funday.
always have Monday Funday.
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04:54
Orange 2: Want to hang out?
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A: Skal vi ses?
B: Jeg skal se film med kæresten
04:55
Orange 1: Me and my boyfriend
always have Monday Funday.
always have Monday Funday.
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A: I morgen?
B: Se serier med kæresten
B: Se serier med kæresten
04:58
Orange 2: Tomorrow?
Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.
Orange 1: It's our Tuesday Snooze Day.
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A: I overmorgen?
B: Da har vi alenetid. #ikkekærlighed
B: Da har vi alenetid. #ikkekærlighed
05:01
Orange 2: Wednesday?
Orange 1: No Friends Day.
Orange 1: No Friends Day.
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Efter min mening
er isolation en af de mest oversete
er isolation en af de mest oversete
05:04
KH: If you ask me, isolation
is one of the most frequently missed
is one of the most frequently missed
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05:07
and misunderstood signs of unhealthy love.
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og misforståede tegn på usund kærlighed.
05:10
Why?
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Hvorfor?
Fordi alle nye forhold
begynder med en intens lyst
begynder med en intens lyst
05:11
Because every new relationship
starts out with this intense desire
starts out with this intense desire
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til at være sammen.
05:14
to spend time together,
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05:16
it's easy to miss when something shifts.
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Man overser nemt,
at der sker et skift.
at der sker et skift.
05:19
Isolation creeps in
when your new boyfriend or girlfriend
when your new boyfriend or girlfriend
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isolationen sniger sig ind,
når ens nye kæreste
når ens nye kæreste
begynder at trække en væk
fra venner og familie
fra venner og familie
05:21
starts pulling you away
from your friends and family,
from your friends and family,
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ens bagland,
05:24
your support system,
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og fæstner en tættere
til vedkommende selv.
til vedkommende selv.
05:26
and tethering you more tightly to them.
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05:29
They might say things like,
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Han eller hun siger måske:
"Hvorfor bruger du tid på dem?
De er så nederen."
De er så nederen."
05:30
"Why do you hang out with them?
They're such losers"
They're such losers"
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om ens bedste venner,
05:33
about your best friends,
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eller "De vil adskille os.
De har noget imod os."
De har noget imod os."
05:34
or, "They want us to break up.
They're totally against us"
They're totally against us"
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om ens familie.
05:37
about your family.
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Isolation handler om at sprede mistro
05:39
Isolation is about sowing seeds of doubt
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05:41
about everyone from
your prerelationship life.
your prerelationship life.
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til alle andre i ens liv.
05:46
Healthy love includes independence,
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Sund kærlighed indebærer uafhængighed,
05:48
two people who love spending time together
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to mennesker, som elsker at være sammen
men også holder fast i de folk
og de ting, de altid har holdt af.
og de ting, de altid har holdt af.
05:50
but who stay connected to the people
and activities they cared about before.
and activities they cared about before.
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Hvor man i begyndelsen
er sammen dag og nat
er sammen dag og nat
05:54
While at first you might spend
every waking minute together,
every waking minute together,
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er det vigtigt, som tiden går,
at bevare sin uafhængighed.
at bevare sin uafhængighed.
05:57
over time maintaining independence is key.
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Det gør man ved at lave aftaler
med venner og holde dem.
med venner og holde dem.
06:00
You do this by making plans with friends
and sticking to them
and sticking to them
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og opfordre sin kæreste
til at gøre det samme.
til at gøre det samme.
06:03
and encouraging your partner
to do the same.
to do the same.
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En tredje markør for usund kærlighed
er ekstrem jalousi.
er ekstrem jalousi.
06:07
A third marker of unhealthy love
is extreme jealousy.
is extreme jealousy.
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(Video) A:
Hvad er du så glad over?
Hvad er du så glad over?
06:11
(Video) Blue 2:
What are you so happy about?
What are you so happy about?
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B: Hun er lige begyndt
at følge mig på Instagram! (#kærlighed)
at følge mig på Instagram! (#kærlighed)
06:13
Blue 1: She just started
following me on Instagram!
following me on Instagram!
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A: Hvad er du så nervøs over?
06:16
Blue 2: What are you so nervous about?
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B: Hun... hun er begyndt
at følge mig, overalt.
at følge mig, overalt.
06:18
Blue 1: She, she just started
following me, like, everywhere.
following me, like, everywhere.
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(#ikkekærlighed)
06:22
(#thatsnotlove)
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06:26
KH: As the honeymoon period
begins to fade,
begins to fade,
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Når den første tids magi lægger sig,
kan den ekstreme jalousi snige sig ind.
06:28
extreme jealousy can creep in.
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Ens kæreste bliver måske mere krævende,
06:31
Your partner might become more demanding,
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og vil vide hvor man er
og hvem man er sammen med, hele tiden
og hvem man er sammen med, hele tiden
06:33
needing to know where you are
and who you're with all the time,
and who you're with all the time,
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eller begynder måske
at følge en overalt, online og offline
at følge en overalt, online og offline
06:36
or they might start following you
everywhere, online and off.
everywhere, online and off.
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Med den ekstreme jalousi kommer
besidderiskhed og mistro
besidderiskhed og mistro
06:39
Extreme jealousy also brings with it
possessiveness and mistrust,
possessiveness and mistrust,
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beskyldninger om flirt eller utroskab,
06:43
frequent accusations
of flirting with other people or cheating,
of flirting with other people or cheating,
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og uvilje til at lytte,
når man forsikrer
når man forsikrer
06:47
and refusal to listen to you
when you tell them
when you tell them
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06:49
they have nothing to worry about
and that you only love them.
and that you only love them.
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at der intet er at bekymre sig om
og man ikke elsker andre.
og man ikke elsker andre.
06:53
Jealousy is a part
of any human relationship,
of any human relationship,
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Jalousi findes i alle forhold
mellem to mennesker
mellem to mennesker
men ekstrem jalousi er noget andet.
06:55
but extreme jealousy is different.
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Det har en truende, desperat
og vred afskygning.
og vred afskygning.
06:58
There's a threatening, desperate
and angry edge to it.
and angry edge to it.
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Sådan skal kærlighed ikke føles.
07:00
Love shouldn't feel like this.
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En fjerde markør er nedgørelse
07:04
A fourth marker is belittling.
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A: Skal vi lave noget?
B: Jeg skal læse.
B: Jeg skal læse.
07:06
(Video) Blue: Wanna hang out?
Orange: I gotta study.
Orange: I gotta study.
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A: Du får topkarakter alligevel.
Fordi du er toppen. (#kærlighed)
Fordi du er toppen. (#kærlighed)
07:09
Blue: You'll get an A anyway,
A for amazing. (#thatslove)
A for amazing. (#thatslove)
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07:12
Blue: Wanna hang out?
Orange: I gotta study.
Orange: I gotta study.
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A: Skal vi lave noget?
B: Jeg skal læse.
B: Jeg skal læse.
A: Du dumper alligevel
07:15
Blue: You'll get an F anyway,
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A: fordi du er så... træls.
(#ikkekærlighed)
(#ikkekærlighed)
07:16
F for, F for... stupid. (#thatsnotlove)
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07:20
KH: Yeah, hmm.
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Ja, hmm...
07:22
In unhealthy love,
words are used as weapons.
words are used as weapons.
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I usund kærlighed
bliver ord til våben.
bliver ord til våben.
07:25
Conversations that used to be
fun and lighthearted
fun and lighthearted
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Samtaler, der plejede
at være lette og sjove
at være lette og sjove
bliver ondskabsfulde og pinlige.
07:27
turn mean and embarrassing.
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Måske gør ens kæreste grin med en
på en måde der gør ondt,
på en måde der gør ondt,
07:29
Maybe your partner makes fun of you
in a way that hurts,
in a way that hurts,
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07:32
or maybe they tell stories and jokes
for laughs at your expense.
for laughs at your expense.
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eller måske sladrer de om en
eller gør sig morsomme på ens bekostning
eller gør sig morsomme på ens bekostning
07:35
When you try to explain
that your feelings have been hurt,
that your feelings have been hurt,
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Når man prøver at forklare,
at man føler sig såret
at man føler sig såret
lukker de af
og beskylder en for at overreagere
og beskylder en for at overreagere
07:38
they shut you down
and accuse you of overreacting.
and accuse you of overreacting.
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"Hvorfor er du så overfølsom?
Hvad er dit problem? Slap nu af."
Hvad er dit problem? Slap nu af."
07:41
"Why are you so sensitive?
What's your problem. Give me a break."
What's your problem. Give me a break."
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Man får lukket munden.
07:46
You are silenced by these words.
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Din kæreste skal naturligvis
bakke dig op.
bakke dig op.
07:49
It seems pretty obvious,
but your partner should have your back.
but your partner should have your back.
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07:52
Their words should build you up,
not break you down.
not break you down.
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Deres ord skal styrke dig,
ikke svække dig.
ikke svække dig.
De skal holde på dine hemmeligheder
og være loyale.
og være loyale.
07:55
They should keep
your secrets and be loyal.
your secrets and be loyal.
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07:57
They should make you feel more confident,
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Din kæreste skal gøre dig mere selvsikker,
ikke mindre.
07:59
not less.
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08:02
Finally, a fifth marker: volatility.
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Og som det sidste, en femte markør:
voldsomme udsving.
voldsomme udsving.
08:06
(Video) Orange 1:
I'd be sad if we broke up.
I'd be sad if we broke up.
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A: Jeg håber vi bliver sammen.
B: Det håber jeg også.
(#kærlighed)
(#kærlighed)
08:08
Orange 2: I'd be sad too. (#thatslove)
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A: Jeg går i sort,
hvis vi nogensinde slår op.
hvis vi nogensinde slår op.
08:11
Orange 1: I'd so depressed
if we ever broke up.
if we ever broke up.
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A: Jeg kaster mig ud fra det her trin.
08:13
I'd throw myself off this step.
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08:14
I would! Don't try to stop me!
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A: Jeg gør det! Du kan ikke stoppe mig!
(#ikkekærlighed)
08:17
(#thatsnotlove)
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Man slår op, begynder igen, slår op igen,
flyver højt og falder dybt.
flyver højt og falder dybt.
08:21
KH: Frequent breakups and makeups,
high highs and low lows:
high highs and low lows:
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08:24
as tension rises, so does volatility.
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Jo mere anspændt det bliver,
jo større bliver udsvingene.
jo større bliver udsvingene.
Først skændes man i vredestårer
og så gør man det godt igen i glædestårer.
og så gør man det godt igen i glædestårer.
08:28
Tearful, frustrated fights
followed by emotional makeups,
followed by emotional makeups,
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Hadske og sårende kommentarer, som:
08:32
hateful and hurtful comments like,
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"Du kan ingenting,
jeg ved ikke hvad jeg laver med dig."
jeg ved ikke hvad jeg laver med dig."
08:33
"You're worthless,
I'm not even sure why I'm with you!"
I'm not even sure why I'm with you!"
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hurtigt fulgt af undskyldninger
og løfter om, at det aldrig sker igen.
og løfter om, at det aldrig sker igen.
08:36
followed quickly by apologies
and promises it will never happen again.
and promises it will never happen again.
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08:41
By this point, you've been so conditioned
to this relationship roller coaster
to this relationship roller coaster
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Man kan blive så vant
til disse rutsjeture
til disse rutsjeture
at man slet ikke opfatter,
hvor usundt og måske endda farligt
hvor usundt og måske endda farligt
08:45
that you may not realize how unhealthy
and maybe even dangerous
and maybe even dangerous
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ens forhold er blevet.
08:48
your relationship has become.
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Det kan være virkelig svært at se
08:51
It can be really hard to see
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når usund kærlighed
får karakter af mishandling
får karakter af mishandling
08:53
when unhealthy love turns towards abuse,
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men jo flere af disse markører
08:56
but it's fair to say
that the more of these markers
that the more of these markers
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ens forhold har,
08:58
your relationship might have,
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jo mere usundt og måske direkte farligt
kan det tænkes at være
kan det tænkes at være
08:59
the more unhealthy and maybe dangerous
your relationship could be.
your relationship could be.
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Og hvis du tænker,
at så skal man bare komme væk,
at så skal man bare komme væk,
09:03
And if your instinct is
to break up and leave,
to break up and leave,
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hvilket tit er det,
vi foreslår vores venner,
vi foreslår vores venner,
09:05
which is advice
so many of us give our friends
so many of us give our friends
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når de er i usunde forhold,
09:07
when they're in unhealthy relationships,
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så er det ikke altid et godt forslag.
09:09
that's not always the best advice.
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09:11
Time of breakup can be
a real trigger for violence.
a real trigger for violence.
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Bruddet kan være det,
der udløser vold.
der udløser vold.
09:14
If you fear you might be
headed towards abuse or in abuse,
headed towards abuse or in abuse,
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Hvis du frygter,
at du bliver offer for mishandling,
at du bliver offer for mishandling,
skal du henvende dig til en ekspert
der kan hjælpe dig sikkert ud af forholdet
der kan hjælpe dig sikkert ud af forholdet
09:17
you need to consult with experts
to get the advice on how to leave safely.
to get the advice on how to leave safely.
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09:23
But it's not just
about romantic relationships
about romantic relationships
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Men det handler ikke kun
om parforhold
om parforhold
09:25
and it's not just about violence.
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og det handler ikke kun om vold.
09:27
Understanding the signs of unhealthy love
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At forstå kendetegnene ved usund kærlighed
kan hjælpe dig med at
revidere alle dine relationer.
revidere alle dine relationer.
09:29
can help you audit and understand
nearly every relationship in your life.
nearly every relationship in your life.
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09:34
For the first time, you might understand
why you're disappointed in a friendship
why you're disappointed in a friendship
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Du vil måske endelig forstå, hvorfor
du har det svært med en bestemt ven
du har det svært med en bestemt ven
eller hvorfor du altid
føler dig modløs efter at have talt med
føler dig modløs efter at have talt med
09:38
or why every interaction
with a certain family member
with a certain family member
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09:41
leaves you discouraged and anxious.
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et bestemt familiemedlem.
Måske vil du endda indse,
at din egen intensitet og jalousi
at din egen intensitet og jalousi
09:44
You might even begin to see
how your own intensity and jealousy
how your own intensity and jealousy
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volder problemer
med dine arbejdskolleger.
med dine arbejdskolleger.
09:47
is causing problems
with colleagues at work.
with colleagues at work.
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09:51
Understanding is
the first step to improving,
the first step to improving,
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Forståelse er det første skridt
mod forandring,
mod forandring,
09:54
and while you can't make
every unhealthy relationship healthy --
every unhealthy relationship healthy --
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og selvom du ikke
kan helbrede alle usunde forhold --
kan helbrede alle usunde forhold --
nogle af dem
må du opgive --
må du opgive --
09:57
some you're going
to have to leave behind --
to have to leave behind --
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så kan du hver dag gøre dit
for at agere bedre i dine relationer.
for at agere bedre i dine relationer.
09:59
you can do your part every day
to do relationships better.
to do relationships better.
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10:04
And here's the exciting news:
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Og her er den gode nyhed:
10:05
it's actually not rocket science.
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det kræver faktisk ikke en Ph.D.
10:08
Open communication, mutual respect,
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Åben kommunikation, gensidig respekt
venlighed, tålmodighed --
10:11
kindness, patience --
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det kan vi udøve hver dag.
10:13
we can practice these things every day.
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10:16
And while practice
will definitely make you better,
will definitely make you better,
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Men selvom øvelse gør en bedre
10:19
I have to promise you
it's also not going to make you perfect.
it's also not going to make you perfect.
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så må jeg også sige,
at det nok ikke gør dig til en mester
at det nok ikke gør dig til en mester
10:23
I do this for a living
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Det her er mit arbejde
hver eneste dag tænker og taler jeg
om sunde relationer,
om sunde relationer,
10:24
and every day I think and talk
about healthy relationships,
about healthy relationships,
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og alligevel gør jeg usunde ting.
10:27
and still I do unhealthy things.
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Forleden, da jeg var ved
at bugsere mine fire børn ud af døren
at bugsere mine fire børn ud af døren
10:30
Just the other day as I was trying
to shuttle my four kids out the door
to shuttle my four kids out the door
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under ævl og kævl
og brok over morgenmaden,
og brok over morgenmaden,
10:33
amidst quarreling, squabbling
and complaints about breakfast,
and complaints about breakfast,
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10:36
I completely lost it.
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slog det fuldstændig klik for mig.
Med overlagt vrede i stemmen
10:38
With an intentionally angry edge,
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10:40
I screamed,
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skreg jeg,
10:42
"Everybody just shut up and do what I say!
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"Hold nu kæft og gør som jeg siger!
I er ikke til at holde ud!
10:44
You are the worst!
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Der bliver ingen skærmtid
og ingen dessert
og ingen dessert
10:46
I am going to take away
screen time and dessert
screen time and dessert
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eller nogen som helst andet godt
overhovedet, nogensinde!"
overhovedet, nogensinde!"
10:48
and anything else you could possibly
ever enjoy in life!"
ever enjoy in life!"
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(latter)
10:51
(Laughter)
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10:53
Anybody been there?
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Er der nogen, der kender det?
10:54
(Applause)
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(klapsalver)
10:57
Volatility, belittling.
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Udsving, nedgørelse.
11:01
My oldest son turned around
and looked at me, and said,
and looked at me, and said,
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Min ældste søn vendte sig om,
så på mig, og sagde:
så på mig, og sagde:
"Mor, det der er ikke kærlighed."
11:04
"Mom, that's not love."
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11:06
(Laughter)
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(latter)
11:09
For a minute, I really wanted
to kill him for calling me out.
to kill him for calling me out.
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Først havde jeg lyst til at
dræbe ham for at påpege det.
dræbe ham for at påpege det.
Tro mig.
11:12
Trust me.
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11:13
But then I gathered myself
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Men så samlede jeg mig sammen
og tænkte, ved du hvad,
jeg er faktisk stolt.
jeg er faktisk stolt.
11:15
and I thought, you know what,
I'm actually proud.
I'm actually proud.
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11:18
I'm proud that he has a language
to make me pause.
to make me pause.
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Jeg er stolt af, at han har sproget
til at få mig til at stoppe op.
til at få mig til at stoppe op.
11:22
I want all of my kids to understand
what the bar should be
what the bar should be
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Jeg vil gerne, at mine børn forstår
hvor grænsen går for,
hvor grænsen går for,
11:25
for how they're treated
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hvordan man kan behandle dem,
11:26
and to have a language and a voice
to use when that bar is not met
to use when that bar is not met
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og at de har et sprog og en stemme,
de kan bruge, når den er nået
de kan bruge, når den er nået
i stedet for bare at lade stå til.
11:29
versus just accepting it.
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Alt for længe har vi set relationer
som et blødt emne.
som et blødt emne.
11:33
For too long, we've treated
relationships as a soft topic,
relationships as a soft topic,
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11:38
when relationship skills
are one of the most important
are one of the most important
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I virkeligheden er relationelle egenskaber
en af de vigtigste
og sværeste ting i livet.
og sværeste ting i livet.
11:41
and hard to build things in life.
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Ikke alene kan det
at kende sygdomstegnene
at kende sygdomstegnene
11:43
Not only can understanding unhealthy signs
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hjælpe en til at styre
uden om usund kærlighed.
uden om usund kærlighed.
11:46
help you avoid the rabbit hole
that leads to unhealthy love,
that leads to unhealthy love,
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11:49
but understanding and practicing
the art of being healthy
the art of being healthy
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At forstå og udøve sundhedens kunst
11:52
can improve nearly
every aspect of your life.
every aspect of your life.
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kan forbedre næsten alt i ens liv.
11:56
I'm completely convinced
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Jeg er helt overbevist om,
at selvom kærlighed
er et instinkt og en følelse,
er et instinkt og en følelse,
11:58
that while love is
an instinct and an emotion,
an instinct and an emotion,
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12:01
the ability to love better
is a skill we can all build
is a skill we can all build
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så er evnen til at elske bedre
en færdighed, alle kan lære
en færdighed, alle kan lære
12:04
and improve on over time.
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og blive bedre til med tiden.
12:06
Thank you.
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Tak.
(klapsalver)
12:07
(Applause)
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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Katie Hood - Relationship revolutionaryBy educating young people about the difference between healthy and unhealthy relationships, Katie Hood hopes to derail abusive behavior before it starts and impact the relationship health of an entire generation.
Why you should listen
As CEO of the One Love Foundation, Katie believes that healthy relationship education is a "simple but shockingly nontraditional solution that can impact millions and drive meaningful change. The problem is hard, but the impact of a scalable prevention approach that talks to young people in a language they can hear at the earliest stages of their dating lives could be massive."
Katie Hood | Speaker | TED.com