TEDWomen 2017
Susan David: The gift and power of emotional courage
Filmed:
Readability: 4.2
6,509,711 views
Psychologist Susan David shares how the way we deal with our emotions shapes everything that matters: our actions, careers, relationships, health and happiness. In this deeply moving, humorous and potentially life-changing talk, she challenges a culture that prizes positivity over emotional truth and discusses the powerful strategies of emotional agility. A talk to share.
Susan David - Psychologist, researcher, author
Susan David, a Harvard Medical School psychologist, studies emotional agility: the psychology of how we can use emotion to bring forward our best selves in all aspects of how we love, live, parent and lead. Full bio
Susan David, a Harvard Medical School psychologist, studies emotional agility: the psychology of how we can use emotion to bring forward our best selves in all aspects of how we love, live, parent and lead. Full bio
Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.
00:13
Hello, everyone.
0
1167
1190
00:15
Sawubona.
1
3531
1150
00:20
In South Africa, where I come from,
2
8412
2206
00:22
"sawubona" is the Zulu word for "hello."
3
10642
2555
00:26
There's a beautiful and powerful
intention behind the word
intention behind the word
4
14122
2722
00:28
because "sawubona"
literally translated means,
literally translated means,
5
16868
2230
00:31
"I see you, and by seeing you,
I bring you into being."
I bring you into being."
6
19122
3291
00:35
So beautiful, imagine
being greeted like that.
being greeted like that.
7
23538
2920
00:40
But what does it take
in the way we see ourselves?
in the way we see ourselves?
8
28093
2920
00:43
Our thoughts, our emotions and our stories
9
31037
2746
00:45
that help us to thrive
10
33807
1332
00:47
in an increasingly complex
and fraught world?
and fraught world?
11
35163
2950
00:50
This crucial question has been
at the center of my life's work.
at the center of my life's work.
12
38958
3825
00:54
Because how we deal
with our inner world drives everything.
with our inner world drives everything.
13
42807
3310
00:58
Every aspect of how we love, how we live,
14
46593
3190
01:01
how we parent and how we lead.
15
49807
2000
01:04
The conventional view
of emotions as good or bad,
of emotions as good or bad,
16
52696
3785
01:08
positive or negative,
17
56505
1667
01:10
is rigid.
18
58196
1150
01:11
And rigidity in the face
of complexity is toxic.
of complexity is toxic.
19
59768
3283
01:16
We need greater levels
of emotional agility
of emotional agility
20
64093
3294
01:19
for true resilience and thriving.
21
67411
2200
01:23
My journey with this calling
22
71302
1683
01:25
began not in the hallowed halls
of a university,
of a university,
23
73009
3618
01:28
but in the messy, tender business of life.
24
76651
2268
01:31
I grew up in the white suburbs
of apartheid South Africa,
of apartheid South Africa,
25
79728
3635
01:35
a country and community
committed to not seeing.
committed to not seeing.
26
83387
3523
01:38
To denial.
27
86934
1150
01:40
It's denial that makes 50 years
of racist legislation possible
of racist legislation possible
28
88578
4548
01:45
while people convince themselves
that they are doing nothing wrong.
that they are doing nothing wrong.
29
93150
3372
01:49
And yet, I first learned
of the destructive power of denial
of the destructive power of denial
30
97461
3806
01:53
at a personal level,
31
101291
1333
01:55
before I understood what it was doing
to the country of my birth.
to the country of my birth.
32
103117
4015
02:01
My father died on a Friday.
33
109850
1800
02:04
He was 42 years old and I was 15.
34
112564
2200
02:07
My mother whispered to me to go
and say goodbye to my father
and say goodbye to my father
35
115802
2833
02:10
before I went to school.
36
118659
1551
02:12
So I put my backpack down
and walked the passage that ran through
and walked the passage that ran through
37
120234
3571
02:15
to where the heart of our home
my father lay dying of cancer.
my father lay dying of cancer.
38
123829
2897
02:19
His eyes were closed,
but he knew I was there.
but he knew I was there.
39
127526
2790
02:22
In his presence, I had always felt seen.
40
130997
2631
02:26
I told him I loved him,
41
134331
1452
02:27
said goodbye and headed off for my day.
42
135807
2600
02:31
At school, I drifted from science
to mathematics to history to biology,
to mathematics to history to biology,
43
139984
4088
02:36
as my father slipped from the world.
44
144096
2196
02:38
From May to July to September to November,
45
146889
2798
02:41
I went about with my usual smile.
46
149711
2200
02:44
I didn't drop a single grade.
47
152251
1933
02:46
When asked how I was doing,
I would shrug and say, "OK."
I would shrug and say, "OK."
48
154673
3666
02:51
I was praised for being strong.
49
159292
2066
02:54
I was the master of being OK.
50
162108
2794
02:58
But back home, we struggled --
51
166673
1582
03:00
my father hadn't been able
to keep his small business going
to keep his small business going
52
168279
2766
03:03
during his illness.
53
171069
1159
03:04
And my mother, alone,
was grieving the love of her life
was grieving the love of her life
54
172252
3031
03:07
trying to raise three children,
55
175307
1477
03:08
and the creditors were knocking.
56
176808
1877
03:11
We felt, as a family, financially
and emotionally ravaged.
and emotionally ravaged.
57
179355
3665
03:15
And I began to spiral down,
isolated, fast.
isolated, fast.
58
183553
3972
03:20
I started to use food to numb my pain.
59
188798
3118
03:24
Binging and purging.
60
192733
1414
03:26
Refusing to accept
the full weight of my grief.
the full weight of my grief.
61
194893
3200
03:31
No one knew, and in a culture
that values relentless positivity,
that values relentless positivity,
62
199125
4238
03:35
I thought that no one wanted to know.
63
203387
2037
03:39
But one person did not buy into
my story of triumph over grief.
my story of triumph over grief.
64
207339
4267
03:44
My eighth-grade English teacher
fixed me with burning blue eyes
fixed me with burning blue eyes
65
212751
3517
03:48
as she handed out blank notebooks.
66
216292
2461
03:51
She said, "Write what you're feeling.
67
219598
2533
03:55
Tell the truth.
68
223106
1150
03:56
Write like nobody's reading."
69
224876
2000
04:00
And just like that,
70
228093
1214
04:01
I was invited to show up
authentically to my grief and pain.
authentically to my grief and pain.
71
229331
3622
04:05
It was a simple act
72
233395
2325
04:07
but nothing short of a revolution for me.
73
235744
2610
04:11
It was this revolution
that started in this blank notebook
that started in this blank notebook
74
239040
4301
04:15
30 years ago
75
243365
2239
04:17
that shaped my life's work.
76
245628
1872
04:20
The secret, silent
correspondence with myself.
correspondence with myself.
77
248117
3288
04:24
Like a gymnast,
78
252656
1176
04:25
I started to move beyond
the rigidity of denial
the rigidity of denial
79
253856
4531
04:30
into what I've now come to call
80
258411
2104
04:32
emotional agility.
81
260539
1532
04:38
Life's beauty is inseparable
from its fragility.
from its fragility.
82
266187
3222
04:43
We are young until we are not.
83
271036
1933
04:45
We walk down the streets sexy
84
273807
1873
04:47
until one day we realize
that we are unseen.
that we are unseen.
85
275704
2869
04:53
We nag our children and one day realize
86
281488
2221
04:55
that there is silence
where that child once was,
where that child once was,
87
283733
2257
04:58
now making his or her way in the world.
88
286014
1969
05:01
We are healthy until a diagnosis
brings us to our knees.
brings us to our knees.
89
289009
4928
05:07
The only certainty is uncertainty,
90
295009
2342
05:09
and yet we are not navigating
this frailty successfully or sustainably.
this frailty successfully or sustainably.
91
297375
3602
05:14
The World Health Organization
tells us that depression
tells us that depression
92
302164
3008
05:17
is now the single leading cause
of disability globally --
of disability globally --
93
305196
3609
05:21
outstripping cancer,
94
309585
1801
05:23
outstripping heart disease.
95
311410
1669
05:26
And at a time of greater complexity,
96
314411
4094
05:30
unprecedented technological,
political and economic change,
political and economic change,
97
318529
3548
05:34
we are seeing how people's tendency
98
322895
1777
05:36
is more and more to lock down
into rigid responses to their emotions.
into rigid responses to their emotions.
99
324696
4111
05:42
On the one hand we might
obsessively brood on our feelings.
obsessively brood on our feelings.
100
330371
3067
05:46
Getting stuck inside our heads.
101
334387
1833
05:48
Hooked on being right.
102
336735
1469
05:51
Or victimized by our news feed.
103
339085
2127
05:55
On the other, we might
bottle our emotions,
bottle our emotions,
104
343124
2024
05:57
pushing them aside
105
345172
1984
05:59
and permitting only those emotions
deemed legitimate.
deemed legitimate.
106
347180
3136
06:04
In a survey I recently conducted
with over 70,000 people,
with over 70,000 people,
107
352068
3170
06:07
I found that a third of us --
108
355262
1734
06:09
a third --
109
357704
1150
06:11
either judge ourselves for having
so-called "bad emotions,"
so-called "bad emotions,"
110
359466
4900
06:16
like sadness,
111
364390
1794
06:18
anger or even grief.
112
366208
1959
06:22
Or actively try to push aside
these feelings.
these feelings.
113
370057
3747
06:27
We do this not only to ourselves,
114
375273
1650
06:28
but also to people we love,
like our children --
like our children --
115
376947
2254
06:31
we may inadvertently shame them
out of emotions seen as negative,
out of emotions seen as negative,
116
379225
4598
06:35
jump to a solution,
117
383847
2024
06:37
and fail to help them
118
385895
1480
06:39
to see these emotions
as inherently valuable.
as inherently valuable.
119
387399
3090
06:45
Normal, natural emotions
are now seen as good or bad.
are now seen as good or bad.
120
393030
5412
06:52
And being positive has become
a new form of moral correctness.
a new form of moral correctness.
121
400474
4188
06:59
People with cancer are automatically told
to just stay positive.
to just stay positive.
122
407522
3871
07:06
Women, to stop being so angry.
123
414434
2803
07:11
And the list goes on.
124
419191
1400
07:14
It's a tyranny.
125
422000
1414
07:16
It's a tyranny of positivity.
126
424303
2147
07:20
And it's cruel.
127
428752
1309
07:23
Unkind.
128
431021
1150
07:25
And ineffective.
129
433260
1381
07:27
And we do it to ourselves,
130
435728
2532
07:30
and we do it to others.
131
438284
1533
07:33
If there's one common feature
132
441373
2697
07:36
of brooding, bottling
or false positivity, it's this:
or false positivity, it's this:
133
444094
3651
07:40
they are all rigid responses.
134
448666
2413
07:44
And if there's a single
lesson we can learn
lesson we can learn
135
452586
2080
07:46
from the inevitable fall of apartheid
136
454690
2793
07:49
it is that rigid denial doesn't work.
137
457507
2685
07:53
It's unsustainable.
138
461642
1350
07:55
For individuals, for families,
139
463967
2864
07:58
for societies.
140
466855
1150
08:00
And as we watch the ice caps melt,
141
468783
4080
08:04
it is unsustainable for our planet.
142
472887
2706
08:09
Research on emotional suppression shows
143
477831
1865
08:11
that when emotions
are pushed aside or ignored,
are pushed aside or ignored,
144
479720
2968
08:14
they get stronger.
145
482712
1200
08:16
Psychologists call this amplification.
146
484664
2214
08:18
Like that delicious chocolate cake
in the refrigerator --
in the refrigerator --
147
486902
3252
08:23
the more you try to ignore it ...
148
491061
1934
08:26
(Laughter)
149
494124
3604
08:30
the greater its hold on you.
150
498744
2158
08:34
You might think you're in control
of unwanted emotions when you ignore them,
of unwanted emotions when you ignore them,
151
502619
3572
08:38
but in fact they control you.
152
506215
2642
08:42
Internal pain always comes out.
153
510127
2179
08:45
Always.
154
513068
1150
08:46
And who pays the price?
155
514863
1532
08:49
We do.
156
517244
1405
08:50
Our children,
157
518673
1150
08:52
our colleagues,
158
520696
1150
08:55
our communities.
159
523354
1150
09:01
Now, don't get me wrong.
160
529354
1412
09:03
I'm not anti-happiness.
161
531203
1638
09:06
I like being happy.
162
534213
1309
09:07
I'm a pretty happy person.
163
535546
1587
09:10
But when we push aside normal emotions
to embrace false positivity,
to embrace false positivity,
164
538181
5777
09:15
we lose our capacity to develop skills
to deal with the world as it is,
to deal with the world as it is,
165
543982
5000
09:22
not as we wish it to be.
166
550013
1683
09:24
I've had hundreds of people tell me
what they don't want to feel.
what they don't want to feel.
167
552950
3259
09:29
They say things like,
168
557180
1698
09:30
"I don't want to try because
I don't want to feel disappointed."
I don't want to feel disappointed."
169
558902
3142
09:35
Or, "I just want this feeling to go away."
170
563022
3468
09:41
"I understand," I say to them.
171
569235
1867
09:44
"But you have dead people's goals."
172
572061
2200
09:47
(Laughter)
173
575187
5350
09:52
(Applause)
174
580561
6293
09:58
Only dead people
175
586878
2040
10:00
never get unwanted or inconvenienced
by their feelings.
by their feelings.
176
588942
3635
10:04
(Laughter)
177
592601
1309
10:05
Only dead people never get stressed,
178
593934
2296
10:09
never get broken hearts,
179
597101
1600
10:11
never experience the disappointment
that comes with failure.
that comes with failure.
180
599196
3944
10:17
Tough emotions are part
of our contract with life.
of our contract with life.
181
605195
3500
10:21
You don't get to have a meaningful career
182
609949
2325
10:24
or raise a family
183
612298
1795
10:26
or leave the world a better place
184
614117
2778
10:28
without stress and discomfort.
185
616919
2118
10:32
Discomfort is the price of admission
to a meaningful life.
to a meaningful life.
186
620173
4880
10:39
So, how do we begin to dismantle rigidity
187
627561
2572
10:42
and embrace emotional agility?
188
630157
2000
10:45
As that young schoolgirl,
189
633791
1659
10:47
when I leaned into those blank pages,
190
635474
3367
10:50
I started to do away with feelings
191
638865
2389
10:53
of what I should be experiencing.
192
641278
3118
10:57
And instead started to open my heart
to what I did feel.
to what I did feel.
193
645254
3346
11:01
Pain.
194
649103
1187
11:02
And grief.
195
650679
1150
11:04
And loss.
196
652838
1539
11:06
And regret.
197
654401
1150
11:09
Research now shows
198
657972
2581
11:12
that the radical acceptance
of all of our emotions --
of all of our emotions --
199
660577
3333
11:15
even the messy, difficult ones --
200
663934
1659
11:17
is the cornerstone
to resilience, thriving,
to resilience, thriving,
201
665617
2747
11:20
and true, authentic happiness.
202
668388
3141
11:25
But emotional agility is more
that just an acceptance of emotions.
that just an acceptance of emotions.
203
673268
4937
11:30
We also know that accuracy matters.
204
678229
2150
11:33
In my own research,
I found that words are essential.
I found that words are essential.
205
681228
4523
11:37
We often use quick and easy labels
to describe our feelings.
to describe our feelings.
206
685775
3032
11:40
"I'm stressed" is the most
common one I hear.
common one I hear.
207
688831
2635
11:43
But there's a world of difference
between stress and disappointment
between stress and disappointment
208
691490
3381
11:46
or stress and that knowing dread
of "I'm in the wrong career."
of "I'm in the wrong career."
209
694895
3668
11:51
When we label our emotions accurately,
210
699804
1905
11:53
we are more able to discern
the precise cause of our feelings.
the precise cause of our feelings.
211
701733
3409
11:57
And what scientists call
the readiness potential in our brain
the readiness potential in our brain
212
705692
2988
12:00
is activated, allowing us
to take concrete steps.
to take concrete steps.
213
708704
3202
12:04
But not just any steps --
the right steps for us.
the right steps for us.
214
712513
2905
12:07
Because our emotions are data.
215
715442
2000
12:10
Our emotions contain flashing lights
to things that we care about.
to things that we care about.
216
718109
3949
12:14
We tend not to feel strong emotion
217
722720
3071
12:17
to stuff that doesn't mean
anything in our worlds.
anything in our worlds.
218
725815
3221
12:22
If you feel rage when you read the news,
219
730251
2612
12:24
that rage is a signpost, perhaps,
that you value equity and fairness --
that you value equity and fairness --
220
732887
4249
12:29
and an opportunity to take active steps
221
737760
1976
12:31
to shape your life in that direction.
222
739760
2206
12:35
When we are open
to the difficult emotions,
to the difficult emotions,
223
743093
2183
12:37
we are able to generate responses
that are values-aligned.
that are values-aligned.
224
745300
3436
12:41
But there's an important caveat.
225
749957
1985
12:43
Emotions are data,
they are not directives.
they are not directives.
226
751966
2420
12:46
We can show up to and mine
our emotions for their values
our emotions for their values
227
754752
3142
12:49
without needing to listen to them.
228
757918
1928
12:52
Just like I can show up to my son
in his frustration with his baby sister --
in his frustration with his baby sister --
229
760419
5293
12:58
but not endorse his idea
that he gets to give her away
that he gets to give her away
230
766673
2566
13:01
to the first stranger
he sees in a shopping mall.
he sees in a shopping mall.
231
769263
2326
13:03
(Laughter)
232
771613
1528
13:05
We own our emotions, they don't own us.
233
773165
3031
13:09
When we internalize the difference
between how I feel in all my wisdom
between how I feel in all my wisdom
234
777520
3803
13:13
and what I do in a values-aligned action,
235
781347
3913
13:17
we generate the pathway to our best selves
236
785284
3191
13:20
via our emotions.
237
788499
1407
13:24
So, what does this look like in practice?
238
792466
2733
13:28
When you feel a strong, tough emotion,
239
796474
1818
13:30
don't race for the emotional exits.
240
798316
1975
13:33
Learn its contours, show up
to the journal of your hearts.
to the journal of your hearts.
241
801203
3644
13:37
What is the emotion telling you?
242
805625
1944
13:41
And try not to say "I am,"
as in, "I'm angry" or "I'm sad."
as in, "I'm angry" or "I'm sad."
243
809570
3801
13:45
When you say "I am"
244
813395
1159
13:46
it makes you sound
as if you are the emotion.
as if you are the emotion.
245
814578
2547
13:49
Whereas you are you,
and the emotion is a data source.
and the emotion is a data source.
246
817149
2729
13:52
Instead, try to notice
the feeling for what it is:
the feeling for what it is:
247
820577
2445
13:55
"I'm noticing that I'm feeling sad"
248
823046
1688
13:56
or "I'm noticing that I'm feeling angry."
249
824758
2022
14:00
These are essential skills for us,
250
828037
2118
14:02
our families, our communities.
251
830179
2255
14:04
They're also critical to the workplace.
252
832458
2250
14:08
In my research,
253
836132
1168
14:09
when I looked at what helps people
to bring the best of themselves to work,
to bring the best of themselves to work,
254
837324
3539
14:12
I found a powerful key contributor:
255
840887
1674
14:14
individualized consideration.
256
842585
1934
14:17
When people are allowed
to feel their emotional truth,
to feel their emotional truth,
257
845084
3762
14:20
engagement, creativity and innovation
flourish in the organization.
flourish in the organization.
258
848870
3467
14:25
Diversity isn't just people,
259
853661
1508
14:27
it's also what's inside people.
260
855193
2341
14:29
Including diversity of emotion.
261
857558
2067
14:34
The most agile, resilient
individuals, teams,
individuals, teams,
262
862425
3888
14:38
organizations, families, communities
263
866337
2312
14:40
are built on an openness
to the normal human emotions.
to the normal human emotions.
264
868673
2748
14:44
It's this that allows us to say,
265
872189
2309
14:46
"What is my emotion telling me?"
266
874522
2078
14:48
"Which action will bring me
towards my values?"
towards my values?"
267
876624
3057
14:51
"Which will take me away from my values?"
268
879705
2388
14:55
Emotional agility is the ability
to be with your emotions
to be with your emotions
269
883436
3729
14:59
with curiosity, compassion,
270
887189
2976
15:02
and especially the courage
to take values-connected steps.
to take values-connected steps.
271
890189
3766
15:07
When I was little,
272
895891
1166
15:09
I would wake up at night
terrified by the idea of death.
terrified by the idea of death.
273
897081
2810
15:11
My father would comfort me
with soft pats and kisses.
with soft pats and kisses.
274
899915
3032
15:15
But he would never lie.
275
903677
1534
15:18
"We all die, Susie," he would say.
276
906738
2118
15:21
"It's normal to be scared."
277
909780
1845
15:24
He didn't try to invent
a buffer between me and reality.
a buffer between me and reality.
278
912483
3541
15:29
It took me a while to understand
279
917037
1850
15:30
the power of how he guided me
through those nights.
through those nights.
280
918911
2588
15:34
What he showed me is that courage
is not an absence of fear;
is not an absence of fear;
281
922228
4133
15:39
courage is fear walking.
282
927579
2944
15:44
Neither of us knew that in 10 short years,
283
932791
2239
15:47
he would be gone.
284
935054
1212
15:48
And that time for each of us
is all too precious
is all too precious
285
936950
2904
15:51
and all too brief.
286
939878
1200
15:54
But when our moment comes
287
942494
2793
15:57
to face our fragility,
288
945311
2198
15:59
in that ultimate time,
289
947533
1699
16:01
it will ask us,
290
949256
1261
16:03
"Are you agile?"
291
951359
1300
16:05
"Are you agile?"
292
953421
1150
16:07
Let the moment be an unreserved "yes."
293
955738
3444
16:12
A "yes" born of a lifelong
correspondence with your own heart.
correspondence with your own heart.
294
960381
4301
16:17
And in seeing yourself.
295
965784
1716
16:20
Because in seeing yourself,
296
968839
2389
16:23
you are also able to see others, too:
297
971252
2467
16:27
the only sustainable way forward
298
975218
3423
16:30
in a fragile, beautiful world.
299
978665
2626
16:34
Sawubona.
300
982972
1446
16:36
And thank you.
301
984442
1167
16:37
(Laughter)
302
985633
1033
16:38
Thank you.
303
986690
1151
16:39
(Applause)
304
987865
2270
16:42
Thank you.
305
990159
1261
16:43
(Applause)
306
991444
3976
ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Susan David - Psychologist, researcher, authorSusan David, a Harvard Medical School psychologist, studies emotional agility: the psychology of how we can use emotion to bring forward our best selves in all aspects of how we love, live, parent and lead.
Why you should listen
What does it take internally, in the way we deal with our thoughts, emotions and stories, for us to thrive in a complex and changing world? How we respond to these inner experiences drives our actions, careers, relationships, happiness, health -- everything that matters in our lives. Susan David became fascinated by this question through first-hand experience of loss and resilience, while growing up in a country in which hate was legislated: apartheid South Africa.
David holds a PhD in the psychology of emotions, is an award-winning Harvard Medical School psychologist, and is ranked as one of the world's leading management thinkers. Her #1 Wall Street Journal bestselling book, Emotional Agility, describes the psychological skills critical to thriving in times of complexity and change. David is CEO of Evidence Based Psychology, on Harvard Medical School faculty, and a co-founder of the Institute of Coaching. Described as "a powerful speaker, visionary thinker and inspirational personality," she is an unwavering believer in the power of people to bring the best of who they are to themselves, their children, their organizations and their communities.
Susan David | Speaker | TED.com