ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Beth Malone - Social entrepreneur, artist
TED Resident Beth Malone brings bold art to public spaces across the US, encouraging artists to have a sense of humor, to be vulnerable and take creative risks.

Why you should listen

Beth Malone is executive director and partner at Dashboard US, an award-winning, experimental creative agency. Dashboard has presented exhibitions and special artist projects in cities around the country including New York, New Orleans, Atlanta, and Detroit. Dashboard has commissioned new, nontraditional works from over 200 artists.

Malone encourages artists to have a sense of humor, to be vulnerable and take creative risks, a practice she employed for herself when processing illness, caretaking and death. In 2014, she and her dad were sitting on a couch in a psychiatric hospital in Atlanta, GA. He looked at her and said, "I’m gonna be lost after this. After this, I’m gonna be gone." In August 2017, her dad passed away from frontotemporal lobe dementia -- just two months after she gave her TED Talk. It was a good death.

More profile about the speaker
Beth Malone | Speaker | TED.com
TED Residency

Beth Malone: How my dad's dementia changed my idea of death (and life)

Beth Malone: Kako je demencija moga oca promijenila moje shvaćanje smrti (i života)

Filmed:
1,258,144 views

Toplinom i milošću, Beth Malone priča vrlo osobnu priču o borbi njezina oca s frontotemporalnom demencijom te kako je to promijenilo njen pogled na smrt (i život). Dirljiv govor o kćerinoj ljubavi -- o oslobađanju te pronalasku mira.
- Social entrepreneur, artist
TED Resident Beth Malone brings bold art to public spaces across the US, encouraging artists to have a sense of humor, to be vulnerable and take creative risks. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:12
I've been doing some thinkingmišljenje.
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Razmišljala sam.
00:16
I'm going to killubiti my dadtata.
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Ubit ću svog tatu.
00:19
I calledzvao my sistersestra.
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Nazvala sam svoju sestru.
00:20
"Listen,
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"Slušaj,
00:21
I've been doing some thinkingmišljenje.
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razmišljala sam.
00:24
I'm going to killubiti DadTata.
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Ubit ću tatu.
00:27
I'm going to take him to OregonOregon,
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Odvest ću ga u Oregon,
00:30
find some heroinheroina,
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nabaviti heroin
00:32
and give it to him."
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te mu ga dati."
00:34
My dadtata has frontotemporalčeona loberežanj dementiademencije,
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Moj otac ima frontotemporalnu demenciju,
00:36
or FTDFTD.
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odnosno FTD.
00:38
It's a confusingzbunjujuće diseasebolest
that hitshitovi people in theirnjihov 50s or 60s.
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To je bolest koja pogađa ljude
u 50-im ili 60-im godinama.
00:41
It can completelypotpuno changepromijeniti
someone'snetko personalityosoba,
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Može u potpunosti promijeniti
nečiju osobnost,
00:44
makingizrađivanje them paranoidparanoičan and even violentnasilan.
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čineći ljude paranoičnima,
čak i nasilnima.
00:47
My dad'stata been sickbolestan for a decadedesetljeće,
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1936
Moj je otac bolestan jedno desetljeće,
00:49
but threetri yearsgodina agoprije he got really sickbolestan,
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ali prije tri godine
bolest je uznapredovala
00:51
and we had to movepotez him out of his housekuća --
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te smo ga morali iseliti iz njegove kuće,
00:54
the housekuća that I grewrastao up in,
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kuće u kojoj sam ja odrasla,
00:56
the housekuća that he builtizgrađen
with his ownvlastiti handsruke.
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kuće koju je on izgradio vlastitim rukama.
00:59
My strappingflasteri, coolsvjež dadtata
with the falsettoFalsetto singingpjevanje voiceglas
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Moj kršan, staložen otac
falseto pjevačkog glasa,
01:04
had to movepotez into a facilitypostrojenja
for round-the-clockRound-the-Clock carebriga
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morao se preseliti u ustanovu
s cjelodnevnom skrbi
01:06
when he was just 65.
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kad je imao tek 65 godina.
01:10
At first my mommama and sisterssestre
and I madenapravljen the mistakepogreška
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Na početku smo majka, sestre i ja
napravile pogrešku
01:13
of puttingstavljanje him in a regularredovan nursingstarački home.
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smjestivši ga u redovan starački dom.
01:16
It was really prettyprilično;
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Bio je stvarno lijep;
01:17
it had plushpliš carpettepih
and afternoonposlijepodne artumjetnost classesklase
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imao je tepih od pliša
i popodnevne satove umjetnosti
01:20
and a dogpas namedpod nazivom DianeDiane.
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te psa zvanog Diane.
01:23
But then I got a phonetelefon call.
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Ali, onda sam primila poziv.
01:26
"MsMS. MaloneMalone, we'veimamo arresteduhićen your fatherotac."
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"Gospođice Malone, uhitili smo Vašeg oca."
01:30
"What?"
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"Molim?"
01:32
"Well, he threatenedugroženi
everybodysvi with cutlerypribor za jelo.
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"Pa, prijetio je svima
u zajednici priborom za jelo.
01:36
And then he yankedpovukao
the curtainszavjese off the wallzid,
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Zatim je skinuo zavjese sa zida,
01:39
and then he triedpokušala
to throwbacanje plantsbilje out the windowprozor.
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a potom je pokušao baciti
biljke kroz prozor.
01:42
And then, well, he pulledizvukao all
the oldstar ladiesdame out of theirnjihov wheelchairsinvalidskim kolicima."
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I onda je izvukao sve stare žene
iz njihovih invalidskih kolica."
01:49
"All the oldstar ladiesdame?"
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"Sve stare žene?"
01:50
(LaughterSmijeh)
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(Smijeh)
01:51
"What a cowboykauboj."
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"Kakav šarmer."
01:53
(LaughterSmijeh)
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(Smijeh)
01:54
After he got kickednogom out of there,
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Nakon što je izbačen iz tog doma,
01:56
we bouncedodskočiti him betweenizmeđu
a bunchmnogo of state-rundržavne facilitiespostrojenja
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premještali smo ga između
više državnih ustanova
01:59
before findingnalaz a treatmentliječenje centercentar
specificallyposebno for people with dementiademencije.
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prije no što smo našli lječilišni centar
specijaliziran za ljude s demencijom.
02:03
At first, he kindljubazan of likedvolio it,
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Na prvu mu se malo svidjelo,
02:05
but over time his healthzdravlje declinedodbio,
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ali mu se s vremenom stanje pogoršavalo
02:07
and one day I walkedhodao in
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te sam jedan dan došla
02:08
and foundpronađeno him sittingsjedenje hunchedpogrbljeno over
on the groundtlo wearingnošenje a onesiejednodijelna --
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i pronašla ga kako sjedi pogrbljeno
na podu noseći kombinezon --
02:12
those kindsvrste of outfitsodjeće
that zipzip in the back.
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ona vrsta odjeće koja se kopča na leđima.
02:17
I watchedgledao him for about an hoursat
as he yankedpovukao at it,
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Gledala sam ga otprilike sat vremena
dok je to povlačio,
02:21
tryingtežak to find a way out of this thing.
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pokušavajući naći način da to skine.
02:24
And it's supposedtrebala to be practicalpraktičan,
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I trebalo bi biti praktično,
02:26
but to me it lookedgledao like a straightjacketluđačku.
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ali je meni to izgledalo
kao luđačka košulja.
02:29
And so I ranran out.
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I zato sam istrčala van.
02:32
I left him there.
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Ostavila sam ga tamo.
02:35
I satsat in my truckkamion -- his oldstar truckkamion --
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Sjela sam u kamionet -- njegov stari --
02:37
hunchedpogrbljeno over,
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pogrbljena,
02:39
this really deepduboko gutturalgrleni cryplakati
comingdolazak out of the pitjama of my bellytrbuh.
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a taj duboki unutrašnji osjećaj tuge
dolazio mi je iz trbuha.
02:43
I just couldn'tne mogu believe that my fatherotac,
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Jednostavno nisam mogla
vjerovati da moj otac,
02:47
the AdonisAdonis of my youthmladež,
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Adonis moje mladosti,
02:50
my really deardraga friendprijatelj,
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moj vrlo dragi prijatelj,
02:53
would think that this kindljubazan of life
was worthvrijedan livingživot anymoreviše.
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misli da je ovaj način života
više vrijedan življenja.
02:58
We're programmedprogramiran
to prioritizeprvenstvo productivityproduktivnost.
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Programirani smo da na prvo mjesto
stavljamo produktivnost.
03:02
So when a personosoba --
an AdonisAdonis in this casespis --
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Pa kada osoba, Adonis u ovome slučaju,
03:06
is no longerviše productiveproduktivan
in the way we expectočekivati him to be,
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nije više produktivna na način
na koji mi očekujemo da treba biti,
03:09
the way that he expectsočekuje da će himselfsam to be,
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na način na koji on očekuje od sebe,
03:12
what valuevrijednost does that life have left?
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koja vrijednost tog života onda ostaje?
03:15
That day in the truckkamion,
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Toga dana u kamionetu,
03:17
all I could imaginezamisliti
was that my dadtata was beingbiće torturedmučen
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sve što sam mogla zamisliti
je da mi otac prolazi kroz mučenje
03:21
and his bodytijelo was
the vesselBrod of that torturemučenje.
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i da je njegovo tijelo
izvor tog njegovog mučenja.
03:26
I've got to get him out of that bodytijelo.
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Moram ga izbaviti iz tog tijela.
03:28
I've got to get him out of that bodytijelo;
I'm going to killubiti DadTata.
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Moram ga izbaviti iz tog tijela;
ubit ću svog tatu.
03:32
I call my sistersestra.
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Nazovem sestru.
03:35
"BethBeth," she said.
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"Beth," kaže ona.
03:40
"You don't want
to liveživjeti the restodmor of your life
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Ne želiš proživjeti ostatak svog života
znajući da si ubila svog oca.
03:42
knowingpoznavanje that you killedubijen your fatherotac.
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03:44
And you'dti bi be arresteduhićen I think,
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I bila bi uhićena, mislim,
03:46
because he can't condoneodobrava it.
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zato što on to ne može odobriti.
03:48
And you don't even know
how to buykupiti heroinheroina."
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I ti uopće ne znaš ni kako kupiti heroin."
03:50
(LaughterSmijeh)
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(Smijeh)
03:51
It's truepravi, I don't.
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Istina, ne znam.
03:53
(LaughterSmijeh)
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(Smijeh)
03:56
The truthistina is we talk
about his deathsmrt a lot.
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Istina je da dosta pričamo
o njegovoj smrti.
03:58
When will it happendogoditi se? What will it be like?
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Kada će se dogoditi? Kakva će biti?
04:00
But I wishželja that we would have talkedRazgovarao
about deathsmrt when we were all healthyzdrav.
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Ali htjela bih da smo o smrti pričali
kada smo svi bili zdravi.
04:04
What does my bestnajbolje deathsmrt look like?
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Kako moja najbolja smrt izgleda?
04:07
What does your bestnajbolje deathsmrt look like?
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Kako vaša najbolja smrt izgleda?
04:10
But my familyobitelj didn't know to do that.
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Ali moja obitelj nije znala to napraviti.
04:13
And my sistersestra was right.
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I moja je sestra bila u pravu.
04:15
I shouldn'tne treba murderubiti DadTata with heroinheroina,
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Ne bih smjela ubiti tatu heroinom,
04:18
but I've got to get him out of that bodytijelo.
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ali ga moram izbaviti iz tog tijela.
04:22
So I wentotišao to a psychicvidovnjak.
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Pa sam otišla psihijatru.
04:24
And then a priestsvećenik,
and then a supportpodrška groupskupina,
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Zatim svećeniku pa u grupu za podršku
04:26
and they all said the sameisti thing:
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i svi su rekli istu stvar :
04:28
sometimesponekad people hangobjesiti on
when they're worriedzabrinut about lovedvoljen onesone.
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nekada ljudi ostaju kada
brinu o svojim bližnjima.
04:31
Just tell them you're safesef,
and it's OK to go when you're readyspreman.
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Samo im recite da ste sigurni
te da je u redu da odu čim su spremni.
04:35
So I wentotišao to see DadTata.
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Pa sam otišla vidjeti tatu.
04:37
I foundpronađeno him hunchedpogrbljeno over
on the groundtlo in the onesiejednodijelna.
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Našla sam ga pogrbljenog
na podu u kombinezonu.
04:40
He was staringzurenje pastprošlost me
and just kindljubazan of looking at the groundtlo.
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Gledao je pored mene i samo,
na neki način, gledao u pod.
04:43
I gavedali him a gingerđumbir alepivo
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Dala sam mu sok od đumbira
04:44
and just startedpočeo talkingkoji govori
about nothing in particularposebno,
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i samo počela pričati ni o čemu važnom,
04:47
but as I was talkingkoji govori,
he sneezedkihnula from the gingerđumbir alepivo.
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ali dok sam ja pričala
on je kihnuo od soka.
04:52
And the sneezekihanje --
it jerkedu grču his bodytijelo uprightuspravan,
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I to kihanje mu je trznulo
tijelo prema gore,
04:55
sparkingizbijanje varnice him back to life a little bitbit.
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pomalo ga vraćajući u život.
04:57
And he just keptčuva drinkingpiće and sneezingkihanje
and sparkingizbijanje varnice, over and over and over again
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I samo je nastavio piti i kihati
te se vraćati u život, ponovno i ponovno
05:02
untildo it stoppedprestao.
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dok nije prestalo.
05:05
And I heardčuo,
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Onda sam čula,
05:07
"HehehehehehHeheheheheh,
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"Heheheheheh,
05:09
hehehehehehheheheheheh ...
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heheheheheh ...
05:12
this is so fabulousnevjerojatan.
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ovo je tako sjajno.
05:15
This is so fabulousnevjerojatan."
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Ovo je tako sjajno."
05:18
His eyesoči were openotvoren
and he was looking at me,
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Oči su mu bile otvorene
te je gledao u mene,
05:21
and I said, "HiBok, DadTata!"
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rekla sam mu, "Bok, tata!"
05:23
and he said, "HiyaKako si, BethBeth."
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a on je rekao, "Bok, Beth."
05:27
And I openedotvori my mouthusta to tell him, right?
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I otvorila sam usta da mu kažem,
05:29
"DadTata, if you want to dieumrijeti, you can dieumrijeti.
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"Tata, ako želiš umrijeti, možeš umrijeti.
05:32
We're all OK."
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Mi smo svi dobro."
05:33
But as I openedotvori my mouthusta to tell him,
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Ali kako otvorih usta da mu kažem,
mogla sam mu samo reći, "Tata!
05:35
all I could say was, "DadTata!
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05:40
I misspropustiti you."
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Nedostaješ mi."
05:42
And then he said, "Well, I misspropustiti you, too."
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A on je odgovorio,
"Pa, i ti meni nedostaješ."
05:44
And then I just fellpao over
because I'm just a messnered.
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I onda sam samo pala prema njemu
jer sam bila potresena.
05:47
So I fellpao over and I satsat there with him
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I tako sam pala prema njemu
i sjedila s njim,
05:52
because for the first time in a long time
he seemedčinilo se kindljubazan of OK.
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jer po prvi put nakon dugo vremena,
činio se donekle dobro.
05:56
And I memorizednapamet his handsruke,
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I sjećam se njegovih ruku,
05:59
feelingosjećaj so gratefulzahvalan that his spiritduh
was still attachedprivržen to his bodytijelo.
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osjećajući se toliko zahvalno što je
njegov duh još povezan s njegovim tijelom.
06:05
And in that momenttrenutak I realizedshvatio
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I u tom sam trenutku shvatila
06:08
I'm not responsibleodgovoran for this personosoba.
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da nisam ja odgovorna za ovu osobu.
06:11
I'm not his doctorliječnik,
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Nisam njegov liječnik,
06:13
I'm not his mothermajka,
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nisam njegova majka,
06:15
I'm certainlysigurno not his God,
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sigurno nisam njegov Bog
06:17
and maybe the bestnajbolje way to help him and me
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te je možda najbolji način
da pomognem njemu, a i sebi,
06:21
is to resumeživotopis our rolesuloge
as fatherotac and daughterkći.
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da održavam naše uloge oca i kćeri.
06:25
And so we just satsat there,
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I tako smo sjedili tamo,
06:27
calmsmiriti and quietmiran like we'veimamo always doneučinio.
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smireni i tihi kao što smo uvijek bili.
06:30
NobodyNitko ne was productiveproduktivan.
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Nitko nije bio produktivan.
06:32
BothOba of us are still strongjak.
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Oboje smo još uvijek snažni.
06:37
"OK, DadTata. I'm going to go,
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"Dobro, tata. Sada ću ići,
06:40
but I'll see you tomorrowsutra."
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ali vidimo se sutra."
06:43
"OK," he said.
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"Dobro," rekao je.
06:46
"Hey,
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"Hej,
06:48
this is a prettyprilično nicelijepo haciendahacijenda."
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ovo je poprilično lijepo imanje."
06:51
Thank you.
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Hvala vam.
06:53
(ApplausePljesak)
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(Pljesak)
Translated by Zdeslav Markoč
Reviewed by Sanda L

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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Beth Malone - Social entrepreneur, artist
TED Resident Beth Malone brings bold art to public spaces across the US, encouraging artists to have a sense of humor, to be vulnerable and take creative risks.

Why you should listen

Beth Malone is executive director and partner at Dashboard US, an award-winning, experimental creative agency. Dashboard has presented exhibitions and special artist projects in cities around the country including New York, New Orleans, Atlanta, and Detroit. Dashboard has commissioned new, nontraditional works from over 200 artists.

Malone encourages artists to have a sense of humor, to be vulnerable and take creative risks, a practice she employed for herself when processing illness, caretaking and death. In 2014, she and her dad were sitting on a couch in a psychiatric hospital in Atlanta, GA. He looked at her and said, "I’m gonna be lost after this. After this, I’m gonna be gone." In August 2017, her dad passed away from frontotemporal lobe dementia -- just two months after she gave her TED Talk. It was a good death.

More profile about the speaker
Beth Malone | Speaker | TED.com