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TEDxBoulder

Ash Beckham: We're all hiding something. Let's find the courage to open up

Svi nešto skrivamo. Pronađimo hrabrosti otvoriti se

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U ovom dirljivom govoru, Ash Beckham nudi svježi pristup empatiji i otvorenosti. Počinje s razumijevanjem da svi, u nekom životnom trenutku, iskuse tegobu. Jedini izlaz je, kaže Beckham, otvoriti vrata i izaći iz svog ormara.

- Equality advocate
Ash Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy. Full bio

I'm going to talk to you tonight
Večeras ću vam pričati
00:12
about coming out of the closet,
o izlaženju iz ormara,
00:14
and not in the traditional sense,
ali ne u tradicionalnom smislu,
00:16
not just the gay closet.
samo o gay ormaru.
00:17
I think we all have closets.
Mislim da svi imamo ormare.
00:19
Your closet may be telling someone
Tvoj ormar je možda reći nekome
00:21
you love her for the first time,
da ju voliš po prvi put,
00:23
or telling someone that you're pregnant,
ili reći nekome da si trudna,
00:25
or telling someone you have cancer,
ili reći nekome da imaš rak,
00:27
or any of the other hard conversations
ili bilo što drugo od teških razgovora
00:30
we have throughout our lives.
koje vodimo kroz naše živote.
00:32
All a closet is is a hard conversation,
Sve što ormar jest je težak razgovor,
00:34
and although our topics may vary tremendously,
i unatoč tome što naše teme strahovito variraju,
00:38
the experience of being in
iskustvo toga da budeš u ormaru
00:41
and coming out of the closet is universal.
i izađeš iz njega univerzalno je.
00:43
It is scary, and we hate it, and it needs to be done.
Strahovito je, mrzimo ga, i trebamo ga učiniti.
00:46
Several years ago,
Prije par godina,
00:52
I was working at the South Side Walnut Cafe,
radila sam u South Side Walnut Cafeu,
00:53
a local diner in town,
lokalnom restoranu u gradu,
00:57
and during my time there I would go through phases
i tokom mog rada tamo prolazila sam kroz faze
00:59
of militant lesbian intensity:
militantnog lezbijskog intenziteta:
01:01
not shaving my armpits,
nisam brijala pazuhe,
01:05
quoting Ani DiFranco lyrics as gospel.
citiranje tekstova Ani DiFranco kao gospela.
01:07
And depending on the bagginess of my cargo shorts
I ovisno o tome koliko su mi kratke hlače bile vrećaste
01:10
and how recently I had shaved my head,
i koliko sam nedavno obrijala glavu,
01:13
the question would often be sprung on me,
postavljalo mi se pitanje,
01:15
usually by a little kid:
obično od malog djeteta:
01:17
"Um, are you a boy or are you a girl?"
"Umm... jesi li ti dečko ili cura?"
01:19
And there would be an awkward silence at the table.
I nastala bi neugodna tišina za stolom.
01:24
I'd clench my jaw a little tighter,
Stisnula bih malo jače čeljust,
01:27
hold my coffee pot with a little more vengeance.
držala bih lončić kave s malo više bijesa.
01:29
The dad would awkwardly shuffle his newspaper
Tata bi neugodno listao svoje novine
01:32
and the mom would shoot a chilling stare at her kid.
a mama bi uperila hladan pogled na dijete.
01:35
But I would say nothing,
Ali ja ne bih rekla ništa,
01:37
and I would seethe inside.
i kipjela bih iznutra.
01:39
And it got to the point where every time I walked up
I došla sam do toga da svaki put kad bih došetala
01:41
to a table that had a kid anywhere between
three and 10 years old, I was ready to fight.
do stola koji ima dijete između tri i deset godina, bila sam spremna svađati se.
01:43
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
01:47
And that is a terrible feeling.
I to je grozan osjećaj.
01:49
So I promised myself, the next
time, I would say something.
Pa sam si obećala, idući put, reći ću nešto.
01:51
I would have that hard conversation.
Obavit ću taj teški razgovor.
01:55
So within a matter of weeks, it happens again.
I tako unutar par tjedana, ponovilo se.
01:57
"Are you a boy or are you a girl?"
"Jesi li ti dečko ili cura?"
02:00
Familiar silence, but this time I'm ready,
Poznata tišina, ali ovaj put sam spremna,
02:02
and I am about to go all Women's Studies 101
i proći ću kroz Ženske studije 101
02:05
on this table. (Laughter)
s ovim stolom. (Smijeh)
02:09
I've got my Betty Friedan quotes.
Imam svoje citate Betty Friedan,
02:12
I've got my Gloria Steinem quotes.
imam svoje citate Glorie Steinem.
02:14
I've even got this little bit from
"Vagina Monologues" I'm going to do.
Čak imam nešto iz "Vagininih monologa" što ću citirati.
02:16
So I take a deep breath and I look down
I tako duboko udahnem i pogledam dolje
02:19
and staring back at me is a
four-year-old girl in a pink dress,
i u mene bulji četverogodišnja djevojčica u ružičastoj haljini,
02:23
not a challenge to a feminist duel,
nije izazov na feministički dvoboj,
02:27
just a kid with a question:
samo dijete s pitanjem:
02:29
"Are you a boy or are you a girl?"
"Jesi li ti dečko ili cura?"
02:32
So I take another deep breath,
I tako još jednom duboko udahnem,
02:34
squat down to next to her, and say,
čučnem do nje, i kažem,
02:36
"Hey, I know it's kind of confusing.
"Hej, znam da je malo zbunjujuće.
02:37
My hair is short like a boy's,
Imam kratku kosu kao dečko,
02:39
and I wear boy's clothes, but I'm a girl,
i nosim mušku odjeću, ali ja sam cura,
02:41
and you know how sometimes
you like to wear a pink dress,
i znaš kad ponekad voliš nositi svoju ružičastu haljinu,
02:43
and sometimes you like to
wear your comfy jammies?
a ponekad voliš nositi svoju udobnu pidžamu?
02:45
Well, I'm more of a comfy jammies kind of girl."
Pa, ja sam više tip cure za udobne pidžame."
02:48
And this kid looks me dead in the eye,
I ovo dijete me pogleda ravno u oči,
02:52
without missing a beat, and says,
bez treptaja, i kaže,
02:54
"My favorite pajamas are purple with fish.
"Moja najdraža pidžama je ljubičasta s ribom.
02:55
Can I get a pancake, please?"
Mogu li dobiti palačinku, molim?"
02:57
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
02:59
And that was it. Just, "Oh, okay. You're a girl.
I to je bilo to. Samo, "Oh, dobro. Ti si cura.
03:02
How about that pancake?"
Može ta palačinka?"
03:05
It was the easiest hard conversation
Bio je to najlakši teški razgovor
03:08
I have ever had.
koji sam ikad imala.
03:10
And why? Because Pancake Girl and I,
A zašto? Zato što smo Palačinka Djevojčica i ja,
03:12
we were both real with each other.
bile iskrene jedna prema drugoj.
03:15
So like many of us,
Kao i mnogi od nas,
03:18
I've lived in a few closets in my life, and yeah,
živjela sam u par ormara u svom životu, i da,
03:20
most often, my walls happened to be rainbow.
najčešće, moji zidovi ispadnu šareni.
03:23
But inside, in the dark,
Ali unutra, u mraku,
03:25
you can't tell what color the walls are.
ne znaš koje su boje zidovi.
03:27
You just know what it feels like to live in a closet.
Samo znaš kako je to živjeti u ormaru.
03:29
So really, my closet is no different than yours
I zapravo, moj ormar nije ništa drugačiji od tvog
03:33
or yours or yours.
ili tvog ili tvog.
03:36
Sure, I'll give you 100 reasons
Dakako, dat ću vam 100 razloga
03:39
why coming out of my closet was
harder than coming out of yours,
zašto je moje izlaženje iz ormara teže od vašeg,
03:41
but here's the thing: Hard is not relative.
ali evo jedne stvarI: Teško nije relativno.
03:43
Hard is hard.
Teško je teško.
03:46
Who can tell me that explaining to
someone you've just declared bankruptcy
Tko mi može reći da je objasniti nekom da ti se dogodio bankrot
03:48
is harder than telling someone
you just cheated on them?
teže nego reći nekom da si ga prevario?
03:52
Who can tell me that his coming out story
Tko mi može reći da je njegova priča izlaženja
03:54
is harder than telling your five-year-old
you're getting a divorce?
teža nego reći svom petogodišnjem djetetu da se rastajete?
03:57
There is no harder, there is just hard.
Ne postoji teže, postoji samo teško.
03:59
We need to stop ranking our hard
against everyone else's hard
Trebamo prestati vrednovati naše teško nasuprot tuđih
04:03
to make us feel better or worse about our closets
da se osjećamo bolje ili gore oko svojih ormara
04:06
and just commiserate on the
fact that we all have hard.
i samo se pomiriti s činjenicom da svi imamo teško.
04:09
At some point in our lives, we all live in closets,
U nekom trenutku života, svi živimo u ormaru,
04:13
and they may feel safe,
i možda se čine sigurnima,
04:16
or at least safer than what lies
on the other side of that door.
ili bar sigurnijima od onog što leži s druge strane tih vrata.
04:18
But I am here to tell you,
Ali ja sam ovdje da vam kažem,
04:21
no matter what your walls are made of,
bez obzira od čega su vaši zidovi napravljeni,
04:23
a closet is no place for a person to live.
ormar nije mjesto za život.
04:25
Thanks. (Applause)
Hvala. (Pljesak)
04:29
So imagine yourself 20 years ago.
Zamislite se prije 20 godina.
04:32
Me, I had a ponytail, a strapless dress,
Ja, ja sam imala konjski repić, haljinu bez bretela,
04:36
and high-heeled shoes.
i cipele s visokom potpeticom.
04:41
I was not the militant lesbian
Nisam bila militantna lezbijka
04:43
ready to fight any four-year-old
that walked into the cafe.
spremna na svađu sa svakim četverogodišnjakom koji je naišao u gostionicu.
04:44
I was frozen by fear, curled up in the corner
Bila sam smrznuta od straha, stisnuta u kutu
04:48
of my pitch-black closet
svog ormara crnog kao ugljen
04:52
clutching my gay grenade,
stiščući svoju gay granatu,
04:54
and moving one muscle is the scariest thing
i pokretanje jednog mišića bila je najstrašnija stvar
04:57
I have ever done.
koju sam ikad napravila.
05:00
My family, my friends, complete strangers --
Moja obitelj, moji prijatelji, potpuni stranci -
05:03
I had spent my entire life
potratila sam čitavi život
05:05
trying to not disappoint these people,
pokušavajući ne razočarati te ljude,
05:06
and now I was turning the world upside down
a zatim sam okretala čitavi svijet naglavačke
05:08
on purpose.
namjerno.
05:11
I was burning the pages of the script
Palila sam stranice propisa
05:13
we had all followed for so long,
koji sam tako dugo slijedila,
05:15
but if you do not throw that grenade, it will kill you.
no ako ne bacite tu granatu, ubit će vas.
05:17
One of my most memorable grenade tosses
Jedno od najviše pamtljivih bacanja grenate
05:21
was at my sister's wedding.
bilo je na sestrinom vjenčanju.
05:23
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
05:25
It was the first time that many in attendance
Bilo je to prvi put da su mnogi prisutni
05:27
knew I was gay, so in doing
my maid of honor duties,
saznali da sam gay, i tako radeći kumine dužnosti,
05:30
in my black dress and heels,
u svojoj crnoj haljini i potpeticama,
05:33
I walked around to tables
hodala sam okolo do stolova
05:35
and finally landed on a table of my parents' friends,
i konačno sletjela na stol roditeljevih prijatelja,
05:37
folks that had known me for years.
ljudi koji su me znali godinama.
05:39
And after a little small talk,
one of the women shouted out,
I nakon malo ćaskanja, jedna od žena je viknula,
05:42
"I love Nathan Lane!"
"Volim Nathana Lanea!"
05:45
And the battle of gay relatability had begun.
I započela je bitka gay referiranja.
05:48
"Ash, have you ever been to the Castro?"
"Ash, jesi li ikad bila u Castru?"
05:51
"Well, yeah, actually, we have
friends in San Francisco."
"Pa da, zapravo, imamo prijatelje u San Franciscu."
05:53
"Well, we've never been there
but we've heard it's fabulous."
"Mi nikad nismo bili tamo ali čuli smo da je nevjerojatno."
05:55
"Ash, do you know my hairdresser Antonio?
"Ash, znaš li mog frizera Antonia?
05:58
He's really good and he has
never talked about a girlfriend."
Zaista je dobar i nije nikad pričao o djevojci."
06:00
"Ash, what's your favorite TV show?
"Ash, koja ti je najdraža TV emisija?
06:03
Our favorite TV show? Favorite: Will & Grace.
Naša najdraža TV emisija? Najdraža: Will i Grace.
06:05
And you know who we love? Jack.
I znaš koga volim? Jacka.
06:07
Jack is our favorite."
Jack nam je najdraži."
06:08
And then one woman, stumped
Zatim je jedna žena, zastala
06:10
but wanting so desperately to show her support,
očajnički želeći pokazati podršku,
06:13
to let me know she was on my side,
dati mi do znanja da je na mojoj strani,
06:15
she finally blurted out,
i napokon je izvalila,
06:18
"Well, sometimes my husband wears pink shirts."
"Pa, ponekad moj muž nosi ružičaste majice."
06:19
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
06:23
And I had a choice in that moment,
I imala sam izbor u tom trenutku,
06:25
as all grenade throwers do.
kao što i svi bacači granata imaju.
06:27
I could go back to my girlfriend
and my gay-loving table
Mogla sam se vratiti svojoj djevojci i svom stolu gay ljubitelja
06:29
and mock their responses,
i rugati se njihovim odgovorima,
06:33
chastise their unworldliness and their inability
izgrditi njihovu nerječitost i nesposobnost
06:35
to jump through the politically correct
gay hoops I had brought with me,
preskočiti politički ispravne gay obruče koje sam donijela sa sobom,
06:37
or I could empathize with them
ili sam mogla suosjećati s njima
06:40
and realize that that was maybe one of
the hardest things they had ever done,
i shvatiti da je to možda bila jedna od najtežih stvari koju su ikad učinili,
06:43
that starting and having that conversation
to započinjanje i imanje tog razgovora
06:47
was them coming out of their closets.
za njih je bilo izlaženje iz ormara.
06:50
Sure, it would have been easy
to point out where they felt short.
Naravno, bilo bi lako pokazati gdje su podbacili.
06:52
It's a lot harder to meet them where they are
Mnogo je teže izaći im u susret
06:56
and acknowledge the fact that they were trying.
i prihvatiti činjenicu da su se trudili.
06:58
And what else can you ask someone to do but try?
A što drugo možete tražiti od nekog nego da se trudi?
07:00
If you're going to be real with someone,
Ako ćete biti iskreni s nekim,
07:05
you gotta be ready for real in return.
morate biti spremni na povratnu iskrenost.
07:07
So hard conversations are still not my strong suit.
Teški razgovori i dalje nisu moje područje.
07:11
Ask anybody I have ever dated.
Pitajte bilo kog s kim sam hodala.
07:14
But I'm getting better, and I follow what I like to call
Ali poboljšavam se, i slijedim ono što volim nazvati
07:16
the three Pancake Girl principles.
tri principa Palačinka Djevojčice.
07:19
Now, please view this through gay-colored lenses,
Sad, molim vas gledajte na ovo kroz gay-obojane leće,
07:21
but know what it takes to come out of any closet
ali znajte da sve što treba za izlazak iz bilo kojeg ormara
07:25
is essentially the same.
je u srži jednako.
07:28
Number one: Be authentic.
Broj jedan: budite autentični.
07:30
Take the armor off. Be yourself.
Skinite oklop. Budite svoji.
07:33
That kid in the cafe had no armor,
To dijete u gostionici nije imalo oklop,
07:34
but I was ready for battle.
ali ja sam bila spremna za bitku.
07:36
If you want someone to be real with you,
Ako želite da netko bude iskren s vama,
07:38
they need to know that you bleed too.
trebaju znati da i vi krvavite.
07:41
Number two: Be direct. Just
say it. Rip the Band-Aid off.
Broj dva: budite direktni. Samo recite. Strgnite flaster.
07:44
If you know you are gay, just say it.
Ako znate da ste gay, samo recite.
07:47
If you tell your parents you might be gay,
Ako kažete roditeljima da ste možda gay,
07:50
they will hold out hope that this will change.
oni će gajiti nadu da će se to možda promijeniti.
07:51
Do not give them that sense of false hope.
Ne dajte im taj tračak lažne nade.
07:53
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
07:56
And number three, and most important --
I broj tri, i najvažnije --
07:58
(Laughter)
(Smijeh)
08:03
Be unapologetic.
Nemojte se ispričavati.
08:05
You are speaking your truth.
Govorite istinu.
08:09
Never apologize for that.
Nikad se nemojte ispričavati za to.
08:11
And some folks may have gotten hurt along the way,
I neki ljudi će možda biti povrijeđeni s vremenom,
08:15
so sure, apologize for what you've done,
pa svakako, ispričajte se za ono što ste učinili,
08:17
but never apologize for who you are.
ali nikad se ne ispričavajte za ono što jeste.
08:20
And yeah, some folks may be disappointed,
I da, možda će neki biti razočarani,
08:23
but that is on them, not on you.
ali to je na njima, ne na vama.
08:26
Those are their expectations
of who you are, not yours.
To su njihova očekivanja od vas, ne vaša.
08:29
That is their story, not yours.
To je njihova priča, ne vaša.
08:31
The only story that matters
Jedina priča koja je bitna
08:36
is the one that you want to write.
je ona koju vi želite napisati.
08:37
So the next time you find yourself
Stoga, idući put kad se nađete
08:40
in a pitch-black closet clutching your grenade,
u ormaru crnom kao ugljen držeći svoju granatu,
08:42
know we have all been there before.
znajte da smo svi tamo bili.
08:44
And you may feel so very alone, but you are not.
I možete se osjećati usamljenima, ali niste.
08:48
And we know it's hard but we need you out here,
I svi znamo da je teško ali trebamo te ovdje vani,
08:51
no matter what your walls are made of,
bez obzira od čega su tvoji zidovi napravljeni,
08:54
because I guarantee you there are others
jer vam garantiram da ima i drugih
08:57
peering through the keyholes of their closets
koji vire kroz ključanice svojih ormara
08:59
looking for the next brave soul to
bust a door open, so be that person
tražeći hrabru dušu da razvali vrata, stoga budite ta osoba
09:01
and show the world that we
are bigger than our closets
i pokažite svijetu da smo veći od svojih ormara
09:05
and that a closet is no place for a person
i da ormar nije mjesto za čovjekov
09:08
to truly live.
stvarni život.
09:12
Thank you, Boulder. Enjoy your night. (Applause)
Hvala vam, Boulder. Uživajte u ostatku večeri (Pljesak)
09:13
Translated by Katarina Lukec
Reviewed by Tilen Pigac - EFZG

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About the speaker:

Ash Beckham - Equality advocate
Ash Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy.

Why you should listen

Ash Beckham is no stranger to hard conversations. In her work, she shares how coming out as a lesbian helped her appreciate our common humanity and better understand the hardships that we all face. This equality advocate mixes personal experience and wisdom to help everyone bravely face their demons.

More profile about the speaker
Ash Beckham | Speaker | TED.com