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TEDxBoulder

Ash Beckham: We're all hiding something. Let's find the courage to open up

Ash Beckham: Vsi nekaj skrivamo. Najdimo pogum, da se odpremo.

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V tem ganljivem govoru Ash Beckham ponudi svež pristop k empatiji in odprtosti. Začne s premiso, da vsak človek v toku svojega življenja doživi težke trenutke. Edini izhod, pravi Beckhamova, je, da odpremo vrata in izstopimo iz svoje omare.

- Equality advocate
Ash Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy. Full bio

I'm going to talk to you tonightnocoj
Govorila bom
00:12
about comingprihajajo out of the closetomari,
o stopanju iz omare,
00:14
and not in the traditionaltradicionalno sensesmisel,
ne v tradicionalnem smislu,
00:16
not just the gaygej closetomari.
ne le o razkrivanju
istospolne usmerjenosti.
00:17
I think we all have closetsomare.
Vsi imamo omare, ki jih nočemo odpreti.
00:19
Your closetomari maylahko be tellingpovedal someonenekdo
Morda se bojite osebi povedati,
00:21
you love her for the first time,
da jo ljubite,
00:23
or tellingpovedal someonenekdo that you're pregnantnoseča,
povedati, da ste noseči,
00:25
or tellingpovedal someonenekdo you have cancerrak,
da imate raka
00:27
or any of the other hardtežko conversationspogovori
ali začeti kak drug težak pogovor,
00:30
we have throughoutves čas our livesživi.
ki je potreben v življenju.
00:32
All a closetomari is is a hardtežko conversationpogovor,
Omara je samo težak pogovor
00:34
and althoughčeprav our topicsteme maylahko varyse razlikujejo tremendouslyizjemno,
in čeprav se teme lahko močno razlikujejo,
00:38
the experienceizkušnje of beingbiti in
je izkušnja biti v omari
00:41
and comingprihajajo out of the closetomari is universaluniverzalno.
in stopiti iz nje univerzalna.
00:43
It is scarystrašno, and we hatesovraštvo it, and it needspotrebe to be doneKončano.
Strašljiva je, sovražimo jo
in moramo jo napraviti.
00:46
SeveralVeč yearslet agonazaj,
Pred leti
00:52
I was workingdelo at the SouthJužna SideStrani WalnutOreh CafeCafe,
sem delala v lokalni restavraciji
00:53
a locallokalno dinervečerja in townmesto,
South Side Walnut Cafe
00:57
and duringmed my time there I would go throughskozi phasesfaze
in takrat sem imela faze
00:59
of militantmilitantne lesbianlezbijka intensityintenzivnost:
militantne lezbične intenzivnosti:
01:01
not shavingbritje my armpitspod pazduho,
nisem si brila pazduh,
01:05
quotingcitiranje AniAni DiFrancoDiFranco lyricslyrics as gospelevangelij.
Ani DiFranco sem citirala
kot svete besede.
01:07
And dependingodvisno on the bagginessimel bagginess of my cargotovor shortskratke hlače
Odvisno od tega,
kako široke hlače sem nosila
01:10
and how recentlypred kratkim I had shavedobrita my headglava,
in kdaj sem si nazadnje obrila glavo,
01:13
the questionvprašanje would oftenpogosto be sprungvzmetene on me,
so me pogosto vprašali,
01:15
usuallyobičajno by a little kidfant:
ponavadi je bil to kak majhen otrok:
01:17
"UmSistem poenotenega sporočanja, are you a boyfant or are you a girlpunca?"
"Hm, si fant ali punca?"
01:19
And there would be an awkwardnerodno silencetišina at the tablemizo.
Potem je pri mizi
nastala neprijetna tišina.
01:24
I'd clenchtrdno prijeti my jawčeljusti a little tighterstrožji,
Še malo bolj sem stisnila čeljust,
01:27
holddržite my coffeekava potpot with a little more vengeancemaščevanje.
še malo bolj maščevalno
sem prijela vrč za kavo.
01:29
The dadOče would awkwardlynerodno shufflenaključno predvajanje his newspaperčasopis
Oče je mučno listal časopis
01:32
and the mommama would shootustrelil a chillinghlajenje starestari at her kidfant.
in mati je otroku poslala leden pogled.
01:35
But I would say nothing,
Jaz pa sem bila tiho,
01:37
and I would seetheskuhaj insideznotraj.
čeprav je v meni vrelo.
01:39
And it got to the pointtočka where everyvsak time I walkedhodil up
Zato sem vedno, ko sem šla k mizi,
01:41
to a tablemizo that had a kidfant anywherekjerkoli betweenmed
threetri and 10 yearslet oldstar, I was readypripravljen to fightboj.
kjer je sedel otrok, star od tri
do deset let, odhajala pripravljena na boj.
01:43
(LaughterSmeh)
(smeh)
01:47
And that is a terriblegrozno feelingobčutek.
To je grozen občutek.
01:49
So I promisedobljubil myselfjaz, the nextNaslednji
time, I would say something.
Obljubila sem si,
da bom naslednjič odgovorila.
01:51
I would have that hardtežko conversationpogovor.
Govorila bom o tej težki stvari.
01:55
So withinznotraj a matterzadevo of weekstednih, it happensse zgodi again.
Čez nekaj tednov se je spet zgodilo.
01:57
"Are you a boyfant or are you a girlpunca?"
"Si fant ali punca?"
02:00
FamiliarSeznanjeni silencetišina, but this time I'm readypripravljen,
Znana tišina, a tokrat sem pripravljena,
02:02
and I am about to go all Women'sŽenske StudiesŠtudije 101
da ljudem pri mizi
02:05
on this tablemizo. (LaughterSmeh)
odpredavam osnove ženskih študij.
02:09
I've got my BettyBetty FriedanFriedan quotescitate.
Pripravljene imam citate Betty Friedan,
02:12
I've got my GloriaGloria SteinemSteinem quotescitate.
citate Glorie Steinem.
02:14
I've even got this little bitbit from
"VaginaNožnica MonologuesMonologi" I'm going to do.
Še celo izsek iz Monologov vagine imam.
02:16
So I take a deepgloboko breathsapo and I look down
Globoko vdihnem in pogledam navzdol,
02:19
and staringstrmel back at me is a
four-year-oldštiriletnega girlpunca in a pinkroza dressobleko,
od koder vame strmi štiriletna deklica
v roza oblekici,
02:23
not a challengeizziv to a feministfeministka dueldvoboj,
ne pa izzivalec na feministični dvoboj,
02:27
just a kidfant with a questionvprašanje:
samo otrok z vprašanjem:
02:29
"Are you a boyfant or are you a girlpunca?"
"Si fant ali punca?"
02:32
So I take anotherdrugo deepgloboko breathsapo,
Še enkrat globoko vdihnem,
02:34
squatčepenje down to nextNaslednji to her, and say,
počepnem k njej in rečem:
02:36
"Hey, I know it's kindvrste of confusingzmedeno.
"Veš, malo zmedeno je vse skupaj.
02:37
My hairlasje is shortkratek like a boy'sfant,
Imam kratke lase kot fant
02:39
and I wearobrabo boy'sfant clothesoblačila, but I'm a girlpunca,
in nosim fantovske obleke,
ampak sem punca,
02:41
and you know how sometimesvčasih
you like to wearobrabo a pinkroza dressobleko,
kot ti: včasih rada nosiš
roza oblekico,
02:43
and sometimesvčasih you like to
wearobrabo your comfyudoben jammiesjammies?
včasih pa udobno pižamo.
02:45
Well, I'm more of a comfyudoben jammiesjammies kindvrste of girlpunca."
No, meni so bolj všeč udobne pižame."
02:48
And this kidfant looksizgleda me deadmrtev in the eyeoči,
Otrok me pogleda naravnost v oči,
02:52
withoutbrez missingpogrešam a beatpremagati, and sayspravi,
in brez oklevanja reče:
02:54
"My favoritenajljubši pajamaspižame are purplevijolična with fishribe.
"Moja najljubša pižama
je vijolična z ribami.
02:55
Can I get a pancakepalačinka, please?"
Lahko dobim palačinko, prosim?"
02:57
(LaughterSmeh)
(smeh)
02:59
And that was it. Just, "Oh, okay. You're a girlpunca.
In to je bilo to. Samo: "V redu, punca si.
03:02
How about that pancakepalačinka?"
Kje je tista palačinka?"
03:05
It was the easiestnajlažje hardtežko conversationpogovor
To je bil najlažji težak pogovor,
03:08
I have ever had.
kar sem jih kdajkoli imela.
03:10
And why? Because PancakePalačinka Girldekle and I,
In zakaj?
Ker sva bili punčka s palačinkami in jaz
03:12
we were bothoboje realresnično with eachvsak other.
iskreni druga z drugo.
03:15
So like manyveliko of us,
Kot mnogi med nami
03:18
I've livedživel in a fewmalo closetsomare in my life, and yeah,
sem živela v nekaj omarah
03:20
mostnajbolj oftenpogosto, my wallsstene happenedse je zgodilo to be rainbowmavrica.
in ja, najpogosteje za mavričnimi zidovi.
03:23
But insideznotraj, in the darktemno,
A v temi
03:25
you can't tell what colorbarva the wallsstene are.
ne vidite, kakšne barve so zidovi.
03:27
You just know what it feelspočuti like to livev živo in a closetomari.
Samo veste, kako je živeti v omari.
03:29
So really, my closetomari is no differentdrugačen than yourstvoja
V resnici moja ni drugačna od vaše
03:33
or yourstvoja or yourstvoja.
ali vaše ali vaše.
03:36
Sure, I'll give you 100 reasonsrazlogov
Seveda vam bom naštela sto razlogov,
03:39
why comingprihajajo out of my closetomari was
hardertežje than comingprihajajo out of yourstvoja,
zakaj je bil moj izstop iz omare
težji od vašega,
03:41
but here'sTukaj je the thing: HardTežko is not relativerelativno.
a nekaj je res:
"težko" ni relativen pojem.
03:43
HardTežko is hardtežko.
Težko je težko.
03:46
Who can tell me that explainingrazlaga to
someonenekdo you've just declaredprijavljeno bankruptcystečaj
Kdo lahko dokaže, da je
priznati, da ste bankrotirali,
03:48
is hardertežje than tellingpovedal someonenekdo
you just cheatedgoljufal on them?
težje kakor priznati nekomu,
da ste ga prevarali?
03:52
Who can tell me that his comingprihajajo out storyzgodba
Kdo lahko trdi, da je njegovo razkritje
03:54
is hardertežje than tellingpovedal your five-year-oldpet-year-old
you're gettingpridobivanje a divorceločitev?
težje, kot je povedati petletnemu otroku,
da se ločujete?
03:57
There is no hardertežje, there is just hardtežko.
Ni "težjega", je samo "težko".
03:59
We need to stop rankingrazvrstitev our hardtežko
againstproti everyonevsi else'sdrugače hardtežko
Prenehati moramo meriti
svoj "težko" s tistim nekoga drugega,
04:03
to make us feel better or worseslabše about our closetsomare
da bi se bolje ali slabše počutili
o svojih omarah
04:06
and just commiseratecommiserate on the
factdejstvo that we all have hardtežko.
ter enostavno sprejeti, da je vsem težko.
04:09
At some pointtočka in our livesživi, we all livev živo in closetsomare,
Del življenja vsi preživimo v omarah
04:13
and they maylahko feel safevarno,
in morda se to zdi varno
04:16
or at leastvsaj safervarnejše than what lieslaži
on the other sidestran of that doorvrata.
ali vsaj varneje kot tisto,
ker je na drugi strani.
04:18
But I am here to tell you,
A želim vam povedati,
04:21
no matterzadevo what your wallsstene are madeizdelane of,
da ne glede na to, iz česa so vaši zidovi,
04:23
a closetomari is no placemesto for a personoseba to livev živo.
omara ni kraj, kjer se da živeti.
04:25
Thankshvala. (ApplauseAplavz)
Hvala. (aplavz)
04:29
So imaginezamislite yourselfsami 20 yearslet agonazaj.
Predstavljajte si sebe pred 20 leti.
04:32
Me, I had a ponytailčop, a straplessbrez naramnic dressobleko,
Jaz sem imela konjski rep,
obleko brez naramnic
04:36
and high-heeledvisoko peto shoesčevlji.
in visoke pete.
04:41
I was not the militantmilitantne lesbianlezbijka
Nisem bila militantna lezbijka,
04:43
readypripravljen to fightboj any four-year-oldštiriletnega
that walkedhodil into the cafekavarna.
pripravljena na boj
z mimoidočimi štiriletniki.
04:44
I was frozenzamrznjeno by fearstrah, curledskodrana up in the cornerkotiček
Paralizirana sem bila od strahu,
stisnjena v kot
04:48
of my pitch-blacksmola-črno closetomari
s svojo temno skrivnostjo,
04:52
clutchingstiskal my gaygej grenaderaketo,
oklepala sem se svoje gejevske granate
04:54
and movingpremikanje one musclemišice is the scariestscariest thing
in najtežje, kar sem kdaj storila,
04:57
I have ever doneKončano.
je bilo premakniti eno samo mišico.
05:00
My familydružina, my friendsprijatelji, completepopolna strangerstujci --
Družina, prijatelji, popolni tujci ...
05:03
I had spentpreživel my entirecelotno life
vse življenje sem se trudila,
05:05
tryingposkušam to not disappointrazočaral these people,
da jih ne bi razočarala,
05:06
and now I was turningobračanje the worldsvet upsidenavzgor down
zdaj pa sem namenoma
05:08
on purposenamen.
obračala svet na glavo.
05:11
I was burningžganje the pagesstrani of the scriptscenarij
Zažgala sem strani scenarija,
05:13
we had all followedsledi for so long,
ki smo mu vsi tako dolgo sledili,
05:15
but if you do not throwmetati that grenaderaketo, it will killubiti you.
a če ne odvržete granate, bo ubila vas.
05:17
One of my mostnajbolj memorablenepozabno grenaderaketo tossespremetava
Eden najbolj nepozabnih metov
05:21
was at my sister'ssestra je weddingPoroka.
je bil na sestrini poroki.
05:23
(LaughterSmeh)
(smeh)
05:25
It was the first time that manyveliko in attendanceudeležba
Bilo je prvič, da je večina prisotnih
05:27
knewvedel I was gaygej, so in doing
my maidslužkinja of honorčast dutiesdolžnosti,
vedela, da sem homoseksualka,
in ko sem opravljala dolžnosti družice,
05:30
in my blackčrna dressobleko and heelspete,
v črni obleki in visokih petah,
05:33
I walkedhodil around to tablestabele
sem se sprehajala med mizami
05:35
and finallykončno landedpristal on a tablemizo of my parents'staršev friendsprijatelji,
in končala pri mizi prijateljev
svojih staršev,
05:37
folksljudje that had knownznano me for yearslet.
ki so me že leta poznali.
05:39
And after a little smallmajhna talk,
one of the womenženske shoutedzavpil out,
Po kratkem klepetu
je ena od žensk zavpila:
05:42
"I love NathanNathan LaneLane!"
"Ljubim Nathana Lanea!"
05:45
And the battleBitka of gaygej relatabilityrelatability had begunZačelo se je.
In začela se je bitka gejevskih asociacij.
05:48
"AshPepel, have you ever been to the CastroCastro?"
"Ash, si že bila v Castru?"
05:51
"Well, yeah, actuallydejansko, we have
friendsprijatelji in SanSan FranciscoFrancisco."
"ja, v bistvu imamo
prijatelje v San Franciscu."
05:53
"Well, we'vesmo never been there
but we'vesmo heardslišal it's fabulousčudovito."
"Nikoli nismo bili tam,
a pravijo, da je krasno."
05:55
"AshPepel, do you know my hairdresserfrizerski salon AntonioAntonio?
"Ash, poznaš mojega frizerja Antonia?
05:58
He's really good and he has
never talkedgovoril about a girlfriendpunca."
Super je in nikoli ne govori o puncah."
06:00
"AshPepel, what's your favoritenajljubši TVTV showshow?
"Ash, katera je tvoja naljubša TV serija?
06:03
Our favoritenajljubši TVTV showshow? FavoriteNajljubši: Will & GraceMilost.
Najina? Najljubša: Will & Grace.
06:05
And you know who we love? JackJack.
In veš, kdo nama je všeč? Jack.
06:07
JackJack is our favoritenajljubši."
Jack je najin najljubši."
06:08
And then one womanženska, stumpedtežavno vprašanje
Neka ženska, zbegana,
06:10
but wantingželim so desperatelyobupno to showshow her supportpodporo,
a v želji izkazati podporo,
06:13
to let me know she was on my sidestran,
mi povedati, da je na moji strani,
06:15
she finallykončno blurtedbleknil out,
je nazadnje izpustila tole:
06:18
"Well, sometimesvčasih my husbandmož wearsnosi pinkroza shirtsmajice."
"No, včasih moj mož nosi roza srajce."
06:19
(LaughterSmeh)
(smeh)
06:23
And I had a choiceizbira in that momenttrenutek,
Takrat sem imela izbiro,
06:25
as all grenaderaketo throwersmetalcih do.
kot vsak, preden vrže granato.
06:27
I could go back to my girlfriendpunca
and my gay-lovinggay-ljubeč tablemizo
Lahko bi se vrnila k svoji punci
in gejem naklonjeni mizi
06:29
and mocklažni theirnjihovi responsesodgovor,
ter se norčevala iz njihovih reakcij,
06:33
chastisegraditi so theirnjihovi unworldlinessunworldliness and theirnjihovi inabilitynezmožnost
kritizirala njihovo naivnost
in nesposobnost
06:35
to jumpskok throughskozi the politicallypolitično correctpravilno
gaygej hoopsobroče I had broughtprinesel with me,
preseči politično korektne gejevske ovire,
ki sem jih prinesla s seboj,
06:37
or I could empathizesočustvujemo with them
lahko pa bi z njimi sočustvovala
06:40
and realizeuresničiti that that was maybe one of
the hardestnajtežje things they had ever doneKončano,
in spoznala, da je bila to zanje
morda ena najtežjih stvari,
06:43
that startingzačetek and havingimeti that conversationpogovor
da je to, da so se začeli pogovarjati,
06:47
was them comingprihajajo out of theirnjihovi closetsomare.
pomenilo, da so stopili iz svojih omar.
06:50
Sure, it would have been easyenostavno
to pointtočka out where they feltčutil shortkratek.
Seveda bi bilo lahko pokazati,
kje niso uspeli.
06:52
It's a lot hardertežje to meetsrečati them where they are
Težje jim je stopiti naproti
06:56
and acknowledgepotrdite the factdejstvo that they were tryingposkušam.
in sprejeti dejstvo, da so poskušali.
06:58
And what elsedrugače can you askvprašajte someonenekdo to do but try?
In kaj več kot to lahko zahtevamo?
07:00
If you're going to be realresnično with someonenekdo,
Če hočete biti z nekom iskreni,
07:05
you gottaMoram be readypripravljen for realresnično in returnvrnitev.
morate biti pripravljeni, da boste
iskrenost dobili nazaj.
07:07
So hardtežko conversationspogovori are still not my strongmočno suitobleko.
Težki pogovori mi še vedno
ne gredo od rok.
07:11
AskVprašajte anybodykdorkoli I have ever dateddatum.
Vprašajte vse moje bivše.
07:14
But I'm gettingpridobivanje better, and I followsledite what I like to call
A postajam boljša in sledim
07:16
the threetri PancakePalačinka Girldekle principlesnačela.
trem načelom punčke s palačinkami.
07:19
Now, please viewpogled this throughskozi gay-coloredgay-barve lensesleče,
Tole glejte skozi gej očala,
07:21
but know what it takes to come out of any closetomari
a vedite, da je razkritje česarkoli
07:25
is essentiallyv bistvu the sameenako.
v bistvu enako.
07:28
NumberŠtevilo one: Be authenticverodostojna.
Prvič: bodite pristni.
07:30
Take the armoroklep off. Be yourselfsami.
Odvrzite oklep. Bodite to, kar ste.
07:33
That kidfant in the cafekavarna had no armoroklep,
Otrok v restavraciji ni imel oklepa,
07:34
but I was readypripravljen for battleBitka.
jaz pa sem bila pripravljena na boj.
07:36
If you want someonenekdo to be realresnično with you,
Če hočete, da bodo iskreni z vami,
07:38
they need to know that you bleedkrvavitev too.
morajo vedeti, da ste tudi vi
krvavi pod kožo.
07:41
NumberŠtevilo two: Be directneposredno. Just
say it. RipRIP the Band-AidBand-Aid off.
Drugič: bodite neposredni.
Povejte, kakor je. Odtrgajte obliž.
07:44
If you know you are gaygej, just say it.
Če ste gej, to kar povejte.
07:47
If you tell your parentsstarši you mightmorda be gaygej,
Če poveste staršem, da ste morda gej,
07:50
they will holddržite out hopeupanje that this will changesprememba.
bodo upali, da se bo to spremenilo.
07:51
Do not give them that sensesmisel of falsenapačen hopeupanje.
Ne vlivajte jim lažnega upanja.
07:53
(LaughterSmeh)
(smeh)
07:56
And numberštevilka threetri, and mostnajbolj importantpomembno --
In tretjič, kar je najpomembneje:
07:58
(LaughterSmeh)
(smeh)
08:03
Be unapologeticunapologetic.
Ne opravičujte se.
08:05
You are speakinggovori your truthresnica.
Govorite svojo resnico.
08:09
Never apologizese opravičujem for that.
Nikoli se ne opravičujte za to.
08:11
And some folksljudje maylahko have gottengotten hurtboli alongskupaj the way,
Morda ste s tem koga prizadeli,
08:15
so sure, apologizese opravičujem for what you've doneKončano,
seveda se opravičite za to,
kar ste storili,
08:17
but never apologizese opravičujem for who you are.
ampak ne opravičujte se za to,
kar ste.
08:20
And yeah, some folksljudje maylahko be disappointedrazočaran,
Ja, nekateri bodo razočarani,
08:23
but that is on them, not on you.
ampak to je njihova stvar, ne vaša.
08:26
Those are theirnjihovi expectationspričakovanja
of who you are, not yourstvoja.
To so njihova pričakovanja o tem,
kar ste, ne vaša.
08:29
That is theirnjihovi storyzgodba, not yourstvoja.
To je njihova zgodba, ne vaša.
08:31
The only storyzgodba that matterszadeve
Edina zgodba, ki je pomembna,
08:36
is the one that you want to writepiši.
je tista, ki jo hočete napisati vi.
08:37
So the nextNaslednji time you find yourselfsami
Ko se boste naslednjič znašli
08:40
in a pitch-blacksmola-črno closetomari clutchingstiskal your grenaderaketo,
v temni omari, oklepajoč se svoje granate,
08:42
know we have all been there before.
vedite, da smo vsi bili tam.
08:44
And you maylahko feel so very alonesam, but you are not.
Morda se boste počutili
tako same, ampak niste.
08:48
And we know it's hardtežko but we need you out here,
Vemo, da je težko, a stopiti moramo ven,
08:51
no matterzadevo what your wallsstene are madeizdelane of,
ne glede na to, iz česa so naši zidovi,
08:54
because I guaranteejamstvo you there are othersdrugi
ker vam zagotavljam, da drugi
08:57
peeringPeering throughskozi the keyholesvtikanja of theirnjihovi closetsomare
kukajo skozi ključavnice svojih omar
08:59
looking for the nextNaslednji bravepogumen soulduša to
bustprsi a doorvrata openodprto, so be that personoseba
in čakajo, da bo naslednja pogumna duša
na stežaj odprla vrata. Bodite ta duša
09:01
and showshow the worldsvet that we
are biggervečje than our closetsomare
in pokažite svetu, da smo
večji od svojih omar
09:05
and that a closetomari is no placemesto for a personoseba
in da v njih nihče
09:08
to trulyresnično livev živo.
ne more zares živeti.
09:12
Thank you, BoulderBoulder. EnjoyUživajte your night. (ApplauseAplavz)
Hvala vam, Boulder.
Uživajte v večeru. (aplavz)
09:13
Translated by Klavdija Cernilogar
Reviewed by Nika Kotnik

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About the speaker:

Ash Beckham - Equality advocate
Ash Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy.

Why you should listen

Ash Beckham is no stranger to hard conversations. In her work, she shares how coming out as a lesbian helped her appreciate our common humanity and better understand the hardships that we all face. This equality advocate mixes personal experience and wisdom to help everyone bravely face their demons.

More profile about the speaker
Ash Beckham | Speaker | TED.com