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TEDxBoulder

Ash Beckham: We're all hiding something. Let's find the courage to open up

艾許.貝克漢: 人都有秘密,讓我們找到敞開心胸的勇氣吧

Filmed:
2,716,420 views

在這篇感人的演講中,艾許.貝克漢提出了一個同情與心胸開放的全新方式——首先要理解每個人在生命中皆曾經歷過困難。艾許說,度過難關唯一的方法,就是要開啟櫃門,勇敢的踏出櫃子。

- Equality advocate
Ash Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy. Full bio

今晚我要分享
00:12
I'm going to talk to you tonight今晚
關於出櫃的故事。
00:14
about coming未來 out of the closet壁櫥,
並非只是一般人所認為的
00:16
and not in the traditional傳統 sense,
同性戀出櫃。
00:17
not just the gay同性戀者 closet壁櫥.
我認為所有人都有櫃子。
00:19
I think we all have closets壁櫥.
你的櫃子也許是對某人
00:21
Your closet壁櫥 may可能 be telling告訴 someone有人
初次告白說你愛她,
00:23
you love her for the first time,
或者告訴某人妳懷孕了,
00:25
or telling告訴 someone有人 that you're pregnant,
亦或告訴某人你罹患癌症,
00:27
or telling告訴 someone有人 you have cancer癌症,
又或者我們一生中
任何其難以啟齒的對話,
00:30
or any of the other hard conversations對話
00:32
we have throughout始終 our lives生活.
00:34
All a closet壁櫥 is is a hard conversation會話,
櫃子所代表的是困難的對話,
雖然每個人的難題可能完全不同,
00:38
and although雖然 our topics主題 may可能 vary變化 tremendously異常,
但被困在櫃子裡
00:41
the experience經驗 of being存在 in
以及走出櫃子的經驗是舉世皆然的。
00:43
and coming未來 out of the closet壁櫥 is universal普遍.
這很可怕,我們都痛恨它,但又不得不做。
00:46
It is scary害怕, and we hate討厭 it, and it needs需求 to be doneDONE.
幾年前
00:52
Several一些 years年份 ago,
我在南岸胡桃咖啡店工作,
00:53
I was working加工 at the South Side Walnut核桃 Cafe咖啡店,
那是當地的小餐廳,
00:57
a local本地 diner餐車 in town,
我在那工作的那段時間
00:59
and during my time there I would go through通過 phases
經歷了激進女同性戀階段:
01:01
of militant激進 lesbian女同性戀 intensity強度:
我不刮腋毛,
01:05
not shaving my armpits腋下,
並把安妮.荻芙蘭蔻的歌當聖旨。
01:07
quoting引用 Ani阿尼 DiFrancoDiFranco lyrics歌詞 as gospel福音.
如果我穿著垮垮短褲,
01:10
And depending根據 on the bagginessbagginess of my cargo貨物 shorts短褲
剛好又剪了超短髮,
01:13
and how recently最近 I had shaved剃光 my head,
就會常有人拋出這問題,
01:15
the question would often經常 be sprung彈性 on me,
通常是小孩子:
01:17
usually平時 by a little kid孩子:
「嗯,你是男生還是女生?」
01:19
"Um, are you a boy男孩 or are you a girl女孩?"
接著是桌上的一陣尷尬沉默。
01:24
And there would be an awkward尷尬 silence安靜 at the table.
我便會咬緊嘴唇,
01:27
I'd clench咬緊 my jaw a little tighter更緊,
抓緊咖啡壺,開始不爽。
01:29
hold保持 my coffee咖啡 pot with a little more vengeance復仇.
孩子的爸會尷尬地翻閱報紙,
01:32
The dad would awkwardly笨拙 shuffle拖曳 his newspaper報紙
媽媽則會對那孩子使眼色。
01:35
and the mom媽媽 would shoot射擊 a chilling令人心寒 stare at her kid孩子.
但我悶不作聲,
01:37
But I would say nothing,
內心真是快爆炸了。
01:39
and I would seethe沸騰 inside.
搞到最後,每次走到桌前
01:41
And it got to the point where every一切 time I walked up
看到有 3-10 歲的小孩,我就進入戰鬥模式。
01:43
to a table that had a kid孩子 anywhere隨地 between之間
three and 10 years年份 old, I was ready準備 to fight鬥爭.
(笑聲)
01:47
(Laughter笑聲)
那感覺很糟。
01:49
And that is a terrible可怕 feeling感覺.
所以我告訴自己,下次要替自己發聲。
01:51
So I promised許諾 myself, the next下一個
time, I would say something.
我會完成那困難的對話。
01:55
I would have that hard conversation會話.
不到幾星期,一樣的事又發生了。
01:57
So within a matter of weeks, it happens發生 again.
「你是男生還是女生?」
02:00
"Are you a boy男孩 or are you a girl女孩?"
一樣的沉默,但這次我準備好了,
02:02
Familiar silence安靜, but this time I'm ready準備,
準備好好教育這桌客人女權主義是什麼。
02:05
and I am about to go all Women's女士的 Studies學習 101
02:09
on this table. (Laughter笑聲)
(笑聲)
我準備了女權主義者貝蒂.傅瑞丹的名言、
02:12
I've got my Betty貝蒂 Friedan弗里丹 quotes報價.
也想好葛羅莉亞.斯坦能的名言,
02:14
I've got my Gloria格洛麗亞 Steinem斯泰納姆 quotes報價.
我甚至還準備了《陰道獨白》裡的台詞。
02:16
I've even got this little bit from
"Vagina陰道 Monologues獨白" I'm going to do.
然後我深呼吸了一口氣,低下頭,
02:19
So I take a deep breath呼吸 and I look down
眼睛直盯著我的是
一位穿著粉色洋裝的四歲女孩,
02:23
and staring凝視 back at me is a
four-year-old四十歲 girl女孩 in a pink dress連衣裙,
不是女權主義一對一決鬥的對手,
02:27
not a challenge挑戰 to a feminist女權主義者 duel決鬥,
只是個問問題的孩子:
02:29
just a kid孩子 with a question:
「你是男生還女生?」
02:32
"Are you a boy男孩 or are you a girl女孩?"
我又深呼吸一口氣,
02:34
So I take another另一個 deep breath呼吸,
蹲在她身旁說:
02:36
squat down to next下一個 to her, and say,
「嘿,我知道這有點讓人搞不清楚。
02:37
"Hey, I know it's kind of confusing撲朔迷離.
我的頭髮跟男生一樣短,
02:39
My hair頭髮 is short like a boy's男孩的,
我穿男生的衣服,但我是女生,
02:41
and I wear穿 boy's男孩的 clothes衣服, but I'm a girl女孩,
就像有時候你喜歡穿粉色洋裝,
02:43
and you know how sometimes有時
you like to wear穿 a pink dress連衣裙,
有時候喜歡穿寬鬆舒服的睡衣一樣。
02:45
and sometimes有時 you like to
wear穿 your comfy舒適 jammies睡衣?
我只是那種喜歡穿寬鬆睡衣的女生。」
02:48
Well, I'm more of a comfy舒適 jammies睡衣 kind of girl女孩."
然後這小孩沒什麼反應地看著我,
02:52
And this kid孩子 looks容貌 me dead in the eye,
02:54
without missing失踪 a beat擊敗, and says,
馬上說出:
「我喜歡的睡衣是紫色的,有魚的圖案,
02:55
"My favorite喜愛 pajamas睡衣 are purple紫色 with fish.
我可以點個鬆餅嗎?」
02:57
Can I get a pancake餅子, please?"
(笑聲)
02:59
(Laughter笑聲)
就這樣,好像說:「好,妳是女生。
03:02
And that was it. Just, "Oh, okay. You're a girl女孩.
我可以點鬆餅了嗎?」
03:05
How about that pancake餅子?"
這是我經歷過最簡單的困難對話。
03:08
It was the easiest最簡單的 hard conversation會話
03:10
I have ever had.
03:12
And why? Because Pancake餅子 Girl女孩 and I,
為什麼呢?因為鬆餅女孩跟我
都很真誠的對待彼此。
03:15
we were both real真實 with each other.
跟許多人一樣,
03:18
So like many許多 of us,
我一生中也被困在些櫃子中,
03:20
I've lived生活 in a few少數 closets壁櫥 in my life, and yeah,
大部份時候,我的牆正好是彩虹色的。
03:23
most often經常, my walls牆壁 happened發生 to be rainbow彩虹.
但裡面一片漆黑,
03:25
But inside, in the dark黑暗,
根本無法得知牆的顏色。
03:27
you can't tell what color顏色 the walls牆壁 are.
你只知道困在櫃中的感受。
03:29
You just know what it feels感覺 like to live生活 in a closet壁櫥.
真的,我的櫃子跟你們的沒兩樣。
03:33
So really, my closet壁櫥 is no different不同 than yours你的
跟你的一樣、還有你的。
03:36
or yours你的 or yours你的.
當然,我可以提出一百個理由
03:39
Sure, I'll give you 100 reasons原因
說明為什麼我出櫃會比你出櫃困難,
03:41
why coming未來 out of my closet壁櫥 was
harder更難 than coming未來 out of yours你的,
但要知道,困難並非相對的。
03:43
but here's這裡的 the thing: Hard is not relative相對的.
困難就是困難。
03:46
Hard is hard.
誰可以告訴我,跟別人坦承你剛破產
03:48
Who can tell me that explaining說明 to
someone有人 you've just declared聲明 bankruptcy破產
比告訴別人你出軌還要困難?
03:52
is harder更難 than telling告訴 someone有人
you just cheated被騙 on them?
誰可以跟我說,他的出櫃故事
03:54
Who can tell me that his coming未來 out story故事
比告訴你五歲小孩爸媽要離婚更難?
03:57
is harder更難 than telling告訴 your five-year-old五十歲
you're getting得到 a divorce離婚?
根本沒有什麼比較難,難就是難。
03:59
There is no harder更難, there is just hard.
我們不該將困難跟別人的困難比
04:03
We need to stop ranking排行 our hard
against反對 everyone大家 else's別人的 hard
來讓自己好過或難過,
04:06
to make us feel better or worse更差 about our closets壁櫥
而是要用同情心,知道每個人都面臨著難事。
04:09
and just commiserate憐憫 on the
fact事實 that we all have hard.
我們生命中,一定有些時候是住在櫃子裡的,
04:13
At some point in our lives生活, we all live生活 in closets壁櫥,
我們在櫃中覺得安全,
04:16
and they may可能 feel safe安全,
至少比走出櫃子感覺更安全。
04:18
or at least最小 safer更安全 than what lies
on the other side of that door.
但我要告訴各位,
04:21
But I am here to tell you,
不管你牆裝飾得多美,
04:23
no matter what your walls牆壁 are made製作 of,
櫃子不是人住的地方。
04:25
a closet壁櫥 is no place地點 for a person to live生活.
謝謝。(掌聲)
04:29
Thanks謝謝. (Applause掌聲)
想像一下自己二十年前的樣子。
04:32
So imagine想像 yourself你自己 20 years年份 ago.
我二十年前留著馬尾、穿著平口洋裝,
04:36
Me, I had a ponytail馬尾巴, a strapless露肩 dress連衣裙,
腳踩高跟鞋。
04:41
and high-heeled高跟 shoes.
我並不是激進女同志,
04:43
I was not the militant激進 lesbian女同性戀
不是個要跟咖啡廳裡的
四歲小孩打仗的人。
04:44
ready準備 to fight鬥爭 any four-year-old四十歲
that walked into the cafe咖啡店.
我被恐懼冰凍,蜷曲在
04:48
I was frozen凍結的 by fear恐懼, curled捲曲 up in the corner
漆黑櫃子的角落,
04:52
of my pitch-black烏黑 closet壁櫥
手上緊抓著同性戀手榴彈,
04:54
clutching抓著 my gay同性戀者 grenade手榴彈,
將手中的手榴彈放開
04:57
and moving移動 one muscle肌肉 is the scariest最可怕的 thing
是我做過最可怕的事情。
05:00
I have ever doneDONE.
我的家人、朋友、甚至陌生人,
05:03
My family家庭, my friends朋友, complete完成 strangers陌生人 --
我終其一生
05:05
I had spent花費 my entire整個 life
試圖不讓他們失望,
05:06
trying to not disappoint辜負 these people,
而我現在我顛覆了世界,
05:08
and now I was turning車削 the world世界 upside上邊 down
我有意這麼做的。
05:11
on purpose目的.
我將我們長久以來的認知燒得一乾二淨,
05:13
I was burning燃燒 the pages網頁 of the script腳本
05:15
we had all followed其次 for so long,
05:17
but if you do not throw that grenade手榴彈, it will kill you.
但如果你不將手榴彈丟出,它會殺了你。
我印象最深刻的丟手榴彈時刻
05:21
One of my most memorable難忘 grenade手榴彈 tosses
05:23
was at my sister's姐妹 wedding婚禮.
是在我姐姐的婚禮上。
(笑聲)
05:25
(Laughter笑聲)
當時是第一次有很多賓客
05:27
It was the first time that many許多 in attendance
知道我是同性戀,
所以我在執行伴娘任務時,
05:30
knew知道 I was gay同性戀者, so in doing
my maid女傭 of honor榮譽 duties職責,
穿著黑色洋裝和高跟鞋
05:33
in my black黑色 dress連衣裙 and heels腳跟,
到各桌四處交際,
05:35
I walked around to tables
最後我來到我父母朋友的那桌,
05:37
and finally最後 landed登陸 on a table of my parents'父母' friends朋友,
那些人已經認識我好多年了。
05:39
folks鄉親 that had known已知 me for years年份.
小聊完後,一位女士突然大喊:
05:42
And after a little small talk,
one of the women婦女 shouted喝道 out,
「我愛內森.連恩(同性戀演員)!」
05:45
"I love Nathan彌敦道 Lane車道!"
然後他們開始比賽
誰對同性戀話題比較熟。
05:48
And the battle戰鬥 of gay同性戀者 relatabilityrelatability had begun開始.
「艾許,你有去過卡斯楚(著名同性戀區)嗎?」
05:51
"Ash, have you ever been to the Castro卡斯特羅?"
「其實我們在舊金山有朋友。」
05:53
"Well, yeah, actually其實, we have
friends朋友 in San Francisco弗朗西斯科."
「我們還沒去過但聽說那裡超棒!」
05:55
"Well, we've我們已經 never been there
but we've我們已經 heard聽說 it's fabulous極好."
「艾許,我的髮型師安東尼歐
05:58
"Ash, do you know my hairdresser理髮師 Antonio安東尼奧?
非常厲害,但從沒提過女朋友。」
06:00
He's really good and he has
never talked about a girlfriend女朋友."
「艾許,妳最喜歡的影集是哪部?
06:03
"Ash, what's your favorite喜愛 TV電視 show顯示?
我們最喜歡《威爾和葛雷絲》
06:05
Our favorite喜愛 TV電視 show顯示? Favorite喜愛: Will & Grace恩典.
而且劇中演員我們最愛傑克。
06:07
And you know who we love? Jack插口.
傑克是我們的最愛。」
06:08
Jack插口 is our favorite喜愛."
然後有個女人愣住了,
06:10
And then one woman女人, stumped難倒
但又急著想表示對同性戀的支持,
06:13
but wanting希望 so desperately拼命 to show顯示 her support支持,
讓我知道她是站在我這邊的。
06:15
to let me know she was on my side,
後來終於脫口說出:
06:18
she finally最後 blurted脫口而出 out,
「我老公有時候會穿粉紅色襯衫!」
06:19
"Well, sometimes有時 my husband丈夫 wears穿 pink shirts襯衫."
(笑聲)
06:23
(Laughter笑聲)
那瞬間,我有個選擇,
06:25
And I had a choice選擇 in that moment時刻,
就像每個丟手榴彈的人一樣,
06:27
as all grenade手榴彈 throwers投擲 do.
我可以回到我女友那桌、
回到同性戀擁護桌,
06:29
I could go back to my girlfriend女朋友
and my gay-loving同性戀愛 table
並嘲笑他們的反應,
06:33
and mock嘲笑 their responses回复,
鄙視他們的不諳世故以及無法
06:35
chastise懲罰 their unworldliness超脫 and their inability無力
以正確的方式討論同性戀議題。
06:37
to jump through通過 the politically政治上 correct正確
gay同性戀者 hoops I had brought with me,
或者,我可以用同理心,
06:40
or I could empathize同情 with them
試著了解這可能是
他們做過最困難的事,
06:43
and realize實現 that that was maybe one of
the hardest最難 things they had ever doneDONE,
開啟、討論這個話題
06:47
that starting開始 and having that conversation會話
是他們走出了櫃子。
06:50
was them coming未來 out of their closets壁櫥.
當然,指責他們哪裡沒做好很容易,
06:52
Sure, it would have been easy簡單
to point out where they felt short.
難的是接受他們的態度
06:56
It's a lot harder更難 to meet遇到 them where they are
並理解他們也在嘗試接納。
06:58
and acknowledge確認 the fact事實 that they were trying.
有人願意嘗試了,你還能要求什麼呢?
07:00
And what else其他 can you ask someone有人 to do but try?
如果你要對別人坦誠,
07:05
If you're going to be real真實 with someone有人,
那你也要準備好真誠以對。
07:07
you gotta總得 be ready準備 for real真實 in return返回.
07:11
So hard conversations對話 are still not my strong強大 suit適合.
我不擅長困難的對話,
問以前跟我交往過的人就知道。
07:14
Ask anybody任何人 I have ever dated過時的.
但我越來越厲害,我遵循
07:16
But I'm getting得到 better, and I follow跟隨 what I like to call
鬆餅女孩三原則。
07:19
the three Pancake餅子 Girl女孩 principles原則.
請以同性戀的角度來看這些原則,
07:21
Now, please view視圖 this through通過 gay-colored同性戀色 lenses鏡頭,
但請明白,不管要從哪個櫃子走出,
07:25
but know what it takes to come out of any closet壁櫥
其實都是一樣的。
07:28
is essentially實質上 the same相同.
第一點:做真實的自己。
07:30
Number one: Be authentic真實.
把盔甲卸下,做自己。
07:33
Take the armor盔甲 off. Be yourself你自己.
咖啡店的小女孩並沒有盔甲,
07:34
That kid孩子 in the cafe咖啡店 had no armor盔甲,
但我本來準備好跟她拚命了。
07:36
but I was ready準備 for battle戰鬥.
如果你要別人真誠待你,
07:38
If you want someone有人 to be real真實 with you,
那他們必須知道你也是有血有淚的。
07:41
they need to know that you bleed流血 too.
第二點:直接了當。
直接說出來,長痛不如短痛。
07:44
Number two: Be direct直接. Just
say it. Rip安息 the Band-Aid創可貼 off.
如果你知道自己是同性戀,就說出來。
07:47
If you know you are gay同性戀者, just say it.
如果你告訴父母,你可能是同性戀,
07:50
If you tell your parents父母 you might威力 be gay同性戀者,
他們會心存希望,認為這有天會改變。
07:51
they will hold保持 out hope希望 that this will change更改.
不要給他們無謂的希望。
07:53
Do not give them that sense of false hope希望.
(笑聲)
07:56
(Laughter笑聲)
第三點,也是最重要的——
07:58
And number three, and most important重要 --
(笑聲)
08:03
(Laughter笑聲)
別感到愧疚。
08:05
Be unapologetic毫無歉意.
你坦白的說了實話,
08:09
You are speaking請講 your truth真相.
絕對不要為此道歉。
08:11
Never apologize道歉 for that.
有些人可能會因你的實話而受傷,
08:15
And some folks鄉親 may可能 have gotten得到 hurt傷害 along沿 the way,
當然,可以為此道歉,
08:17
so sure, apologize道歉 for what you've doneDONE,
但絕對不要為了做自己而道歉。
08:20
but never apologize道歉 for who you are.
有些人可能因此失望,
08:23
And yeah, some folks鄉親 may可能 be disappointed失望,
但那是他們的問題,不是你的。
08:26
but that is on them, not on you.
那是他們對你的期望,而不是你自己的。
08:29
Those are their expectations期望
of who you are, not yours你的.
那是他們的故事,不是你的人生。
08:31
That is their story故事, not yours你的.
唯一重要的故事,
08:36
The only story故事 that matters事項
就是你想寫下的故事。
08:37
is the one that you want to write.
所以下次你發現自己
08:40
So the next下一個 time you find yourself你自己
握著手榴彈蜷曲在漆黑櫃子裡時,
08:42
in a pitch-black烏黑 closet壁櫥 clutching抓著 your grenade手榴彈,
請記得我們都曾經歷過。
08:44
know we have all been there before.
你或許覺得孤單,但並非如此。
08:48
And you may可能 feel so very alone單獨, but you are not.
我們知道這很困難,但需要你勇敢走出來,
08:51
And we know it's hard but we need you out here,
不管將你困在裡面的原因是什麼,
08:54
no matter what your walls牆壁 are made製作 of,
我向你保證,
08:57
because I guarantee保證 you there are others其他
有很多人也從櫃子的鑰匙孔中探出,
08:59
peering窺視 through通過 the keyholes鎖眼 of their closets壁櫥
尋找下一個勇敢的人衝出門外,
成為那個人吧!
09:01
looking for the next下一個 brave勇敢 soul靈魂 to
bust胸圍 a door open打開, so be that person
讓世界知道櫃子容不下我們,
09:05
and show顯示 the world世界 that we
are bigger than our closets壁櫥
而且櫃子絕對不是人住的地方。
09:08
and that a closet壁櫥 is no place地點 for a person
09:12
to truly live生活.
謝謝博爾德市的各位,
祝你們有個美好夜晚。(掌聲)
09:13
Thank you, Boulder漂礫. Enjoy請享用 your night. (Applause掌聲)
Translated by Adrienne Lin
Reviewed by Lee Li

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About the speaker:

Ash Beckham - Equality advocate
Ash Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy.

Why you should listen

Ash Beckham is no stranger to hard conversations. In her work, she shares how coming out as a lesbian helped her appreciate our common humanity and better understand the hardships that we all face. This equality advocate mixes personal experience and wisdom to help everyone bravely face their demons.

More profile about the speaker
Ash Beckham | Speaker | TED.com