ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Ash Beckham - Equality advocate
Ash Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy.

Why you should listen

Ash Beckham is no stranger to hard conversations. In her work, she shares how coming out as a lesbian helped her appreciate our common humanity and better understand the hardships that we all face. This equality advocate mixes personal experience and wisdom to help everyone bravely face their demons.

More profile about the speaker
Ash Beckham | Speaker | TED.com
TEDxBoulder

Ash Beckham: We're all hiding something. Let's find the courage to open up

Ash Beckham: 所有人都隐藏些什么。让我们鼓起勇气敞开心扉

Filmed:
2,716,420 views

在这个动人的演讲中,Ash Beckham用一种新的方法来理解别人,敞开心扉。首先,我们要明白,在任何人生命中的某一个点,大家都会经历艰难的事情。Beckham提出唯一的解决办法,就是打开柜门,走出来。
- Equality advocate
Ash Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy. Full bio

Double-click the English transcript below to play the video.

00:12
I'm going to talk to you tonight今晚
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今晚我会和大家讲述
00:14
about coming未来 out of the closet壁橱,
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如何走出柜
00:16
and not in the traditional传统 sense,
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但不是传统意义上的层面
00:17
not just the gay同性恋者 closet壁橱.
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不只是成为同性恋那样的出柜
00:19
I think we all have closets壁橱.
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我想大家都有个柜
00:21
Your closet壁橱 may可能 be telling告诉 someone有人
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你所谓的出柜
00:23
you love her for the first time,
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有的或许是你跟她第一次说我爱你
00:25
or telling告诉 someone有人 that you're pregnant,
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或许告诉别人你怀孕了
00:27
or telling告诉 someone有人 you have cancer癌症,
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或许告诉别人你患有癌症
00:30
or any of the other hard conversations对话
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甚至是其他我们都经历过的
00:32
we have throughout始终 our lives生活.
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难以启齿的谈话
00:34
All a closet壁橱 is is a hard conversation会话,
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所谓的柜就是一次说不出口的谈话
00:38
and although虽然 our topics主题 may可能 vary变化 tremendously异常,
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虽然我们的话题涉及广泛
00:41
the experience经验 of being存在 in
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在柜中
00:43
and coming未来 out of the closet壁橱 is universal普遍.
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和出柜的经历都是相通的
00:46
It is scary害怕, and we hate讨厌 it, and it needs需求 to be doneDONE.
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这种感觉很可怕 尽管我们都不喜欢 但是还得这样做
00:52
Several一些 years年份 ago,
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几年以前
00:53
I was working加工 at the South Side Walnut核桃 Cafe咖啡店,
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我在South Side Walnut咖啡店工作
00:57
a local本地 diner餐车 in town,
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一个当地的餐厅
00:59
and during my time there I would go through通过 phases
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那段时间我经历了
01:01
of militant激进 lesbian女同性恋 intensity强度:
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激进女同性恋的紧张
01:05
not shaving my armpits腋下,
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没有刮我的腋毛
01:07
quoting引用 Ani阿尼 DiFrancoDiFranco lyrics歌词 as gospel福音.
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引用福音Ani DiFranco的歌词
01:10
And depending根据 on the bagginessbagginess of my cargo货物 shorts短裤
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由于我宽松的工装短裤
01:13
and how recently最近 I had shaved剃光 my head,
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还有我最近的发型
01:15
the question would often经常 be sprung弹性 on me,
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经常会有人问我
01:17
usually平时 by a little kid孩子:
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通常是小孩儿问我
01:19
"Um, are you a boy男孩 or are you a girl女孩?"
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“嗯,你是男孩还是女孩?”
01:24
And there would be an awkward尴尬 silence安静 at the table.
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随之而来的是一阵尴尬的寂静
01:27
I'd clench咬紧 my jaw a little tighter更紧,
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我紧咬牙关
01:29
hold保持 my coffee咖啡 pot with a little more vengeance复仇.
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怀着报复的心紧握着咖啡罐
01:32
The dad would awkwardly笨拙 shuffle拖曳 his newspaper报纸
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爸爸尴尬地乱翻着报纸
01:35
and the mom妈妈 would shoot射击 a chilling令人心寒 stare at her kid孩子.
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妈妈冷漠地盯着孩子
01:37
But I would say nothing,
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但是我说不出口
01:39
and I would seethe沸腾 inside.
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内心却在沸腾
01:41
And it got to the point where every一切 time I walked up
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重点是 每次我走到旁边
01:43
to a table that had a kid孩子 anywhere随地 between之间
three and 10 years年份 old, I was ready准备 to fight斗争.
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有3到10岁小孩儿的桌子时 我都准备好要干一架了
01:47
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
01:49
And that is a terrible可怕 feeling感觉.
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这种感觉非常不好
01:51
So I promised许诺 myself, the next下一个
time, I would say something.
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所以我跟自己讲 下一次 我一定会说什么
01:55
I would have that hard conversation会话.
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我会把话说出口
01:57
So within a matter of weeks, it happens发生 again.
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所以 过了几个星期 又出现这种状况了
02:00
"Are you a boy男孩 or are you a girl女孩?"
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“你是男孩还是女孩?”
02:02
Familiar silence安静, but this time I'm ready准备,
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熟悉的沉寂 但是这次我准备好了
02:05
and I am about to go all Women's女士的 Studies学习 101
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这次我要把所有女性的话
02:09
on this table. (Laughter笑声)
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说出来 (笑声)
02:12
I've got my Betty贝蒂 Friedan弗里丹 quotes报价.
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我准备好引用Betty Friedan的话
02:14
I've got my Gloria格洛丽亚 Steinem斯泰纳姆 quotes报价.
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准备好引用Gloria Steinem的话
02:16
I've even got this little bit from
"Vagina阴道 Monologues独白" I'm going to do.
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我甚至从《阴道独白》中选了几句话
02:19
So I take a deep breath呼吸 and I look down
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我深吸了口气 我低下头看
02:23
and staring凝视 back at me is a
four-year-old四十岁 girl女孩 in a pink dress连衣裙,
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迎来的是一个穿着粉色裙子的4岁小女孩儿的目光
02:27
not a challenge挑战 to a feminist女权主义者 duel决斗,
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这个小菜一碟
02:29
just a kid孩子 with a question:
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只是个小孩儿问问题
02:32
"Are you a boy男孩 or are you a girl女孩?"
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“你是男孩还是女孩?”
02:34
So I take another另一个 deep breath呼吸,
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我又深吸了口气
02:36
squat down to next下一个 to her, and say,
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在她身旁蹲下来说
02:37
"Hey, I know it's kind of confusing扑朔迷离.
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“我知道有点不好理解
02:39
My hair头发 is short like a boy's男孩的,
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我的头发像男生的那样短
02:41
and I wear穿 boy's男孩的 clothes衣服, but I'm a girl女孩,
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我还穿着男生的衣服 但是我是个女孩
02:43
and you know how sometimes有时
you like to wear穿 a pink dress连衣裙,
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有时候你喜欢穿粉色的裙子
02:45
and sometimes有时 you like to
wear穿 your comfy舒适 jammies睡衣?
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有时候喜欢穿舒服的睡衣 对吧
02:48
Well, I'm more of a comfy舒适 jammies睡衣 kind of girl女孩."
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那我就是那种喜欢穿舒服睡衣的那种女孩
02:52
And this kid孩子 looks容貌 me dead in the eye,
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这个小孩儿死死的盯着我
02:54
without missing失踪 a beat击败, and says,
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都不带眨的 说
02:55
"My favorite喜爱 pajamas睡衣 are purple紫色 with fish.
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”我最喜欢的睡衣是紫色的 上面还有鱼
02:57
Can I get a pancake饼子, please?"
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能给我块煎饼吗?“
02:59
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
03:02
And that was it. Just, "Oh, okay. You're a girl女孩.
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就是这样 ”哦 好吧 你是个女孩
03:05
How about that pancake饼子?"
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来块煎饼怎么样?“
03:08
It was the easiest最简单的 hard conversation会话
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这是有史以来
03:10
I have ever had.
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最简单的一次艰难对话
03:12
And why? Because Pancake饼子 Girl女孩 and I,
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为什么呢 因为这个煎饼女孩和我
03:15
we were both real真实 with each other.
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我们对彼此都很真诚
03:18
So like many许多 of us,
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所以 跟很多人一样
03:20
I've lived生活 in a few少数 closets壁橱 in my life, and yeah,
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我住在自己的几个柜里 是的
03:23
most often经常, my walls墙壁 happened发生 to be rainbow彩虹.
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而且我的四面墙常常会变成彩色
03:25
But inside, in the dark黑暗,
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但是墙的里面 黑暗中
03:27
you can't tell what color颜色 the walls墙壁 are.
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你却不知道内墙是什么颜色
03:29
You just know what it feels感觉 like to live生活 in a closet壁橱.
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你就是知道在柜里是什么感觉
03:33
So really, my closet壁橱 is no different不同 than yours你的
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所以 真的 我的柜和你的 你的
03:36
or yours你的 or yours你的.
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所有人的柜都是一样的
03:39
Sure, I'll give you 100 reasons原因
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当然 我会告诉你100个理由
03:41
why coming未来 out of my closet壁橱 was
harder更难 than coming未来 out of yours你的,
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来解释为什么我出柜会比你出柜要难
03:43
but here's这里的 the thing: Hard is not relative相对的.
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但是重点是 难并不是相对的
03:46
Hard is hard.
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各有各的难处
03:48
Who can tell me that explaining说明 to
someone有人 you've just declared声明 bankruptcy破产
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谁能告诉我 是跟一个人讲你刚刚破产难
03:52
is harder更难 than telling告诉 someone有人
you just cheated被骗 on them?
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还是跟一个人讲你背叛他难呢
03:54
Who can tell me that his coming未来 out story故事
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谁能告诉我 是一个人说自己出柜难
03:57
is harder更难 than telling告诉 your five-year-old五十岁
you're getting得到 a divorce离婚?
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还是告诉你5岁的孩子你要离婚了难呢
03:59
There is no harder更难, there is just hard.
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没有谁更难一些 就只是很难而已
04:03
We need to stop ranking排行 our hard
against反对 everyone大家 else's别人的 hard
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我们不能把各自的难处排个1234
04:06
to make us feel better or worse更差 about our closets壁橱
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以此来让我们对自己的柜更好过或更难过些
04:09
and just commiserate怜悯 on the
fact事实 that we all have hard.
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然后又互相怜悯大家都很难
04:13
At some point in our lives生活, we all live生活 in closets壁橱,
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在生活中的某些时刻 我们都闷在柜里
04:16
and they may可能 feel safe安全,
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这样我们感到很安全
04:18
or at least最小 safer更安全 than what lies
on the other side of that door.
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至少比在柜外面更安全些
04:21
But I am here to tell you,
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但是我要告诉大家
04:23
no matter what your walls墙壁 are made制作 of,
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不管你的柜是什么材质
04:25
a closet壁橱 is no place地点 for a person to live生活.
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那都不是一个人应该住的地方
04:29
Thanks谢谢. (Applause掌声)
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谢谢 (掌声)
04:32
So imagine想像 yourself你自己 20 years年份 ago.
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想想20年前的你
04:36
Me, I had a ponytail马尾巴, a strapless露肩 dress连衣裙,
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那时的我 扎着马尾 穿着没有肩带的裙子
04:41
and high-heeled高跟 shoes.
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蹬着高跟鞋
04:43
I was not the militant激进 lesbian女同性恋
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我不是那个紧张的女同性恋
04:44
ready准备 to fight斗争 any four-year-old四十岁
that walked into the cafe咖啡店.
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随时准备迎战走进咖啡厅的4岁孩童
04:48
I was frozen冻结的 by fear恐惧, curled卷曲 up in the corner
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恐惧使我不得动弹 缩在我
04:52
of my pitch-black乌黑 closet壁橱
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那个黑漆漆的柜里
04:54
clutching抓着 my gay同性恋者 grenade手榴弹,
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绷紧身为同性恋的神经
04:57
and moving移动 one muscle肌肉 is the scariest最可怕的 thing
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我从未
05:00
I have ever doneDONE.
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放松过紧绷的那根弦
05:03
My family家庭, my friends朋友, complete完成 strangers陌生人 --
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我的家人 朋友 陌生人
05:05
I had spent花费 my entire整个 life
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我一直都
05:06
trying to not disappoint辜负 these people,
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努力不让这些人失望
05:08
and now I was turning车削 the world世界 upside上边 down
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然而现在 我却故意
05:11
on purpose目的.
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把事情弄的一团糟
05:13
I was burning燃烧 the pages网页 of the script脚本
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我把我们一直沿用的脚本
05:15
we had all followed其次 for so long,
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都烧掉
05:17
but if you do not throw that grenade手榴弹, it will kill you.
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但是如果你不丢掉手中的手榴弹 它会至你于死地
05:21
One of my most memorable难忘 grenade手榴弹 tosses
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让我印象最深刻的一次爆发
05:23
was at my sister's姐妹 wedding婚礼.
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是在我姐姐的婚礼上
05:25
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
05:27
It was the first time that many许多 in attendance
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很多在场的人知道我是同性恋
05:30
knew知道 I was gay同性恋者, so in doing
my maid女佣 of honor荣誉 duties职责,
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这还是头一回 所以我作为伴娘
05:33
in my black黑色 dress连衣裙 and heels脚跟,
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穿着一袭黑裙和高跟鞋
05:35
I walked around to tables
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我游走在桌边
05:37
and finally最后 landed登陆 on a table of my parents'父母' friends朋友,
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最后决定坐在我父母的朋友的那一桌上
05:39
folks乡亲 that had known已知 me for years年份.
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他们认识我很久了
05:42
And after a little small talk,
one of the women妇女 shouted喝道 out,
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说了一会儿话后 有个女人大叫着说
05:45
"I love Nathan弥敦道 Lane车道!"
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“我超爱Nathan Lane!”
05:48
And the battle战斗 of gay同性恋者 relatabilityrelatability had begun开始.
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就这样一场关于同性恋的话题拉开帷幕
05:51
"Ash, have you ever been to the Castro卡斯特罗?"
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”Ash 你去过Castro吗?“
05:53
"Well, yeah, actually其实, we have
friends朋友 in San Francisco弗朗西斯科."
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”恩 内什么 实际上 我们在旧金山有朋友“
05:55
"Well, we've我们已经 never been there
but we've我们已经 heard听说 it's fabulous极好."
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”内什么 我们没去过那儿 但是听说那儿挺棒的“
05:58
"Ash, do you know my hairdresser理发师 Antonio安东尼奥?
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”Ash 你知道我的理发师Antonio吗?
06:00
He's really good and he has
never talked about a girlfriend女朋友."
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他人很好 但是从没听他谈过女性朋友”
06:03
"Ash, what's your favorite喜爱 TV电视 show显示?
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"Ash 你最喜欢哪个电视节目
06:05
Our favorite喜爱 TV电视 show显示? Favorite喜爱: Will & Grace恩典.
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我们最喜欢的? 最喜欢的电视节目非Will & Grace莫属
06:07
And you know who we love? Jack插口.
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你知道我们最爱谁吗 最爱Jack了
06:08
Jack插口 is our favorite喜爱."
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我们最喜欢Jack了“
06:10
And then one woman女人, stumped难倒
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然后另一个女人 张口结舌
06:13
but wanting希望 so desperately拼命 to show显示 her support支持,
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但是极力变现出她的支持
06:15
to let me know she was on my side,
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让我明白她是站在我这一边的
06:18
she finally最后 blurted脱口而出 out,
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她最终脱口而出
06:19
"Well, sometimes有时 my husband丈夫 wears穿 pink shirts衬衫."
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”有时候我丈夫穿粉色的T恤“
06:23
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
06:25
And I had a choice选择 in that moment时刻,
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在那一刻 和所有爆发者一样
06:27
as all grenade手榴弹 throwers投掷 do.
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我作出了选择
06:29
I could go back to my girlfriend女朋友
and my gay-loving同性恋爱 table
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我可以回到我女性朋友和支持同性恋的那一桌去
06:33
and mock嘲笑 their responses回复,
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对他们这些人的反应嘲笑一番
06:35
chastise惩罚 their unworldliness超脱 and their inability无力
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说他们什么都不懂
06:37
to jump through通过 the politically政治上 correct正确
gay同性恋者 hoops I had brought with me,
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他们不能理解我身上所带的同性恋的标签
06:40
or I could empathize同情 with them
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或者我可以选择感同身受
06:43
and realize实现 that that was maybe one of
the hardest最难 things they had ever doneDONE,
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理解那可能是他们从未做过的最难的事情
06:47
that starting开始 and having that conversation会话
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开始并进行那样的对话
06:50
was them coming未来 out of their closets壁橱.
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是他们出柜的表现
06:52
Sure, it would have been easy简单
to point out where they felt short.
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当然 指出他们不对的地方很容易
06:56
It's a lot harder更难 to meet遇到 them where they are
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但是和他们在同一层面上理解
06:58
and acknowledge确认 the fact事实 that they were trying.
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并知道他们在努力却很难
07:00
And what else其他 can you ask someone有人 to do but try?
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除了让人家努力尝试 你还能要求人家什么呢
07:05
If you're going to be real真实 with someone有人,
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如果你想对某人坦诚
07:07
you gotta总得 be ready准备 for real真实 in return返回.
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那你就要准备好别人同样对你完全坦白
07:11
So hard conversations对话 are still not my strong强大 suit适合.
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所以进行难的对话仍不是我的强项
07:14
Ask anybody任何人 I have ever dated过时的.
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去问问我从未约过会的人就知道了
07:16
But I'm getting得到 better, and I follow跟随 what I like to call
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但是我做好的更好了 因为我遵循我称之为
07:19
the three Pancake饼子 Girl女孩 principles原则.
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煎饼女孩三原则
07:21
Now, please view视图 this through通过 gay-colored同性恋色 lenses镜头,
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请各位带上同性恋有色眼镜来看待这个
07:25
but know what it takes to come out of any closet壁橱
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但是要明白出任何的柜所需的努力
07:28
is essentially实质上 the same相同.
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都是一样的
07:30
Number one: Be authentic真实.
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原则一 要真实
07:33
Take the armor盔甲 off. Be yourself你自己.
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卸下你的防御 做真实的自己
07:34
That kid孩子 in the cafe咖啡店 had no armor盔甲,
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那个在咖啡厅的女孩就没有防御
07:36
but I was ready准备 for battle战斗.
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然而我却是准备开战
07:38
If you want someone有人 to be real真实 with you,
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如果你想让别人对你坦诚
07:41
they need to know that you bleed流血 too.
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你得让他们知道你也有所付出
07:44
Number two: Be direct直接. Just
say it. Rip安息 the Band-Aid创可贴 off.
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原则二 要直接 有什么说什么 不要绷着
07:47
If you know you are gay同性恋者, just say it.
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你知道你是同性恋 那就说出来
07:50
If you tell your parents父母 you might威力 be gay同性恋者,
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如果你告诉你的父母 你可能是同性恋
07:51
they will hold保持 out hope希望 that this will change更改.
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他们会心有一丝希望 你会改变的
07:53
Do not give them that sense of false hope希望.
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不要让他们有这样的错觉
07:56
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
07:58
And number three, and most important重要 --
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原则三 最重要的一点
08:03
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
08:05
Be unapologetic毫无歉意.
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不要有负罪感
08:09
You are speaking请讲 your truth真相.
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你是在坦言有关自己的事情
08:11
Never apologize道歉 for that.
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不要对此感到抱歉
08:15
And some folks乡亲 may可能 have gotten得到 hurt伤害 along沿 the way,
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可能会有人受伤
08:17
so sure, apologize道歉 for what you've doneDONE,
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这是一定的 对你所做的事情道歉
08:20
but never apologize道歉 for who you are.
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但是不要为你的本质而道歉
08:23
And yeah, some folks乡亲 may可能 be disappointed失望,
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是的 有些人会很失望
08:26
but that is on them, not on you.
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但是他们对自己失望 而不是对你
08:29
Those are their expectations期望
of who you are, not yours你的.
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那是他们所期望的你的样子 而不是你自己的期望
08:31
That is their story故事, not yours你的.
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那是他们的故事 而不是属于你的故事
08:36
The only story故事 that matters事项
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唯一重要的故事
08:37
is the one that you want to write.
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是你想要书写的那一个
08:40
So the next下一个 time you find yourself你自己
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那么下回你发现自己
08:42
in a pitch-black乌黑 closet壁橱 clutching抓着 your grenade手榴弹,
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窝在柜里 手里紧攥着手榴弹时
08:44
know we have all been there before.
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要知道我们都经历过这个阶段
08:48
And you may可能 feel so very alone单独, but you are not.
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你可能会感到孤独 但实际上不是的
08:51
And we know it's hard but we need you out here,
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虽然很难 但是你需要走出柜
08:54
no matter what your walls墙壁 are made制作 of,
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不管你的墙是什么
08:57
because I guarantee保证 you there are others其他
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我向你保证 还有些人
08:59
peering窥视 through通过 the keyholes锁眼 of their closets壁橱
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从他们柜的锁眼里
09:01
looking for the next下一个 brave勇敢 soul灵魂 to
bust胸围 a door open打开, so be that person
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寻找下一个勇敢的人推开们 所以做那个勇敢的人吧
09:05
and show显示 the world世界 that we
are bigger than our closets壁橱
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让人们知道柜已容不下我们
09:08
and that a closet壁橱 is no place地点 for a person
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一个柜不是一个人
09:12
to truly live生活.
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能活出真实自己的地方
09:13
Thank you, Boulder漂砾. Enjoy请享用 your night. (Applause掌声)
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谢谢 Boulder 祝各位晚上愉快 (掌声)
Translated by Two Tang
Reviewed by Xiaoou Chen

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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Ash Beckham - Equality advocate
Ash Beckham approaches hard conversations from a place of compassion and empathy.

Why you should listen

Ash Beckham is no stranger to hard conversations. In her work, she shares how coming out as a lesbian helped her appreciate our common humanity and better understand the hardships that we all face. This equality advocate mixes personal experience and wisdom to help everyone bravely face their demons.

More profile about the speaker
Ash Beckham | Speaker | TED.com