ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Esther Perel - Relationship therapist
Psychotherapist Esther Perel is changing the conversation on what it means to be in love and have a fulfilling sex life.

Why you should listen

For the first time in human history, couples aren’t having sex just to have kids; there’s room for sustained desire and long-term sexual relationships. But how? Perel, a licensed marriage and family therapist with a practice in New York, travels the world to help people answer this question. For her research she works across cultures and is fluent in nine languages. She coaches, consults and speaks regularly on erotic intelligence, trauma, sexual honesty and conflict resolution. She is the author of Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic. Her latest work focuses on infidelity: what it is, why happy people do it and how couples can recover from it. She aims to locate this very personal experience within a larger cultural context.

More profile about the speaker
Esther Perel | Speaker | TED.com
TEDSalon NY2013

Esther Perel: The secret to desire in a long-term relationship

Esther Perel: 维系长期关系性欲的奥秘

Filmed:
14,927,269 views

在长期关系中,我们通常希望我们的爱人能成为我们的好朋友和性伴侣。但 Esther Perel 认为,良好的、有承诺的性关系源于两种相冲突的需要:安全感和惊喜需要。所以,你将如何维系自己的性欲呢?Perel 将用她的智慧和雄辩的口才和我们一起探索性商的奥秘。
- Relationship therapist
Psychotherapist Esther Perel is changing the conversation on what it means to be in love and have a fulfilling sex life. Full bio

Double-click (or triple-click) the English transcript below to play the video.

00:17
So, why does good sex性别 so often经常 fade褪色,
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为何性爱的激情那么容易褪色?
00:20
even for couples情侣 who continue继续 to love each other as much as ever?
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就算是那些爱得如胶似漆的夫妇也无一例外。
00:25
And why does good intimacy亲密关系 not guarantee保证 good sex性别,
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为何亲密的爱情也无法维持激情的色彩呢?
00:28
contrary相反 to popular流行 belief信仰?
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这和我们普遍对性生活与爱情的关系的认知相违背。
00:31
Or, the next下一个 question would be,
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或者说,换第二个问题:
00:33
can we want what we already已经 have?
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我们能留住我们现有的性生活频率吗?
00:35
That's the million-dollar百万美元 question, right?
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这可是个很值得研究的问题,对吧?
00:38
And why is the forbidden被禁止 so erotic好色之徒?
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再者,为什么偷腥会令人如此激情彭拜?
00:40
What is it about transgression that makes品牌 desire欲望 so potent有力的?
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又是什么东西令人在偷尝云雨之情时有如此旺盛的性欲呢?
00:44
And why does sex性别 make babies婴儿,
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又是为何性爱孕育了儿女
00:46
and babies婴儿 spell拼写 erotic好色之徒 disaster灾害 in couples情侣?
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而儿女却最终反过来却成为夫妻性爱的灾难呢?
00:50
It's kind of the fatal致命 erotic好色之徒 blow打击, isn't it?
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这对于性欲可是种致命的打击,不是么?
00:52
And when you love, how does it feel?
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还有,当你爱时,你有什么感受?
00:55
And when you desire欲望, how is it different不同?
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并且当你产生欲望时,这种感受又会有什么不同的变化?
00:58
These are some of the questions问题
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这些都是
01:00
that are at the center中央 of my exploration勘探
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我今天想要探讨的问题
01:02
on the nature性质 of erotic好色之徒 desire欲望
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-----探索现代爱情中人类的原始性冲动
01:05
and its concomitant伴随 dilemmas困境 in modern现代 love.
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和其伴随而来的困境
01:09
So I travel旅行 the globe地球,
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为了这一研究,我去了很多国家
01:11
and what I'm noticing注意到 is that
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而我注意到
01:13
everywhere到处 where romanticism浪漫主义 has entered进入,
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凡是浪漫的国度
01:16
there seems似乎 to be a crisis危机 of desire欲望.
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都面临着性欲消退的危机。
01:19
A crisis危机 of desire欲望, as in owning拥有 the wanting希望 --
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欲望消退危机----正如我们的需要一样,
01:24
desire欲望 as an expression表达 of our individuality个性,
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性欲作为我们对自身个体的表达:
01:27
of our free自由 choice选择, of our preferences优先, of our identity身分 --
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是对于我们的自由选择、偏好和身份的一种需要
01:30
desire欲望 that has become成为 a central中央 concept概念
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性欲已经成为
01:34
as part部分 of modern现代 love and individualistic个人主义的 societies社会.
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现代爱情和崇尚个人主义的社会的核心概念
01:37
You know, this is the first time in the history历史 of humankind人类
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要知道,这是人类历史上首次
01:40
where we are trying to experience经验 sexuality性欲 in the long term术语,
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我们长期体验性爱
01:46
not because we want 14 children孩子,
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不是为了生一大堆孩子,比如说14个。
01:50
for which哪一个 we need to have even more because many许多 of them won't惯于 make it,
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-----或许我们部分人可能要生养育更多,以防很多可能会夭折,
01:54
and not because it is exclusively a woman's女人的 marital婚姻 duty义务.
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也不是源于女人生儿育女的天职。
01:59
This is the first time that we want sex性别 over time
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人类第一次将我需要性的观点超越了仅仅是体内的性欲在作怪
02:03
about pleasure乐趣 and connection连接 that is rooted in desire欲望.
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是因为性爱能给人们带来愉悦和稳定的关系。
02:08
So what sustains维持 desire欲望, and why is it so difficult?
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那么,究竟是什么在维持着人的性欲?而维持性欲为何又这么难呢?
02:11
And at the heart of sustaining维持 desire欲望 in a committed提交 relationship关系,
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要维持夫妻关系中的性欲的关键
02:16
I think is the reconciliation和解 of two fundamental基本的 human人的 needs需求.
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我认为在于协调两种人类的基本需求。
02:22
On the one hand, our need for security安全, for predictability预测,
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一方面,是我们对安全、可预测性、
02:27
for safety安全, for dependability可靠性, for reliability可靠性, for permanence持久性 --
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安全感、可靠性、可依赖感和对永恒的需要。
02:35
all these anchoring锚固, grounding接地 experiences经验 of our lives生活
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所有这些生活中能为我们提供所需的厚实而安稳的体验的地方
02:38
that we call home.
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就是我们所说的"家"。
02:39
But we also have an equally一样 strong强大 need -- men男人 and women妇女 --
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但同时, 无论男女, 我们,还有另一种强烈的需要
02:44
for adventure冒险, for novelty新奇, for mystery神秘, for risk风险, for danger危险,
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---那就是对冒险,对新奇事物,神秘、危险、风险
02:49
for the unknown未知, for the unexpected意外, surprise --
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以及对未知有的、预料之外和惊喜的渴望。
02:53
you get the gist要旨 -- for journey旅程, for travel旅行.
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我的意思是我们喜欢出游,旅行
02:57
So reconciling调和 our need for security安全
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这就意味着在一段关系中,要协调我们对安稳感的需求
02:59
and our need for adventure冒险 into one relationship关系,
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和对猎奇的需要,
03:02
or what we today今天 like to call a passionate多情 marriage婚姻,
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我们今天称之为 “有激情的婚姻”
03:05
used to be a contradiction矛盾 in terms条款.
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过去曾是相互矛盾的的两个方面
03:07
Marriage婚姻 was an economic经济 institution机构
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婚姻曾经是一种经济制度
03:10
in which哪一个 you were given特定 a partnership合伙 for life
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你可以从中获得某种合作关系,
03:14
in terms条款 of children孩子 and social社会 status状态
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它一般以孩子,社会地位
03:16
and succession演替 and companionship友谊.
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继承权以及同伴的形式出现。
03:19
But now we want our partner伙伴 to still give us all these things,
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可如今,我们在希望我们的伴侣可以继续提供这些的同时
03:23
but in addition加成 I want you to be my best最好 friend朋友
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又要求他们成为我们的知己
03:26
and my trusted信任 confidant知己 and my passionate多情 lover情人 to boot,
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做我们可交心的伴侣和激情四射的情人
03:29
and we live生活 twice两次 as long.
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甚至还想长生不老呢
03:30
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
03:33
So we come to one person, and we basically基本上 are asking them
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所以,当我碰到我们的另一半时,我们简直在向对方要求
03:37
to give us what once一旦 an entire整个 village used to provide提供:
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给我们这些过去原本一整个村庄才能提供的东西:
03:41
Give me belonging属于, give me identity身分, give me continuity连续性,
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如财产,名份,至死不渝的忠贞爱情,
03:45
but give me transcendence超越 and mystery神秘 and awe威严 all in one.
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同时你还得让我觉得你是卓尔不群,有神秘感和有敬畏心。
03:49
Give me comfort安慰, give me edge边缘.
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安抚我的同时带给我刺激。
03:51
Give me novelty新奇, give me familiarity熟悉.
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给我新鲜感的同时又要保持亲密。
03:52
Give me predictability预测, give me surprise.
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让我过安稳的日子的同时还要能给我惊喜。
03:55
And we think it's a given特定, and toys玩具 and lingerie女用贴身内衣裤 are going to save保存 us with that.
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多数人认为这是奉献,性玩具和性感睡衣就能解决这些问题。
03:59
(Applause掌声)
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(掌声)
04:04
So now we get to the existential存在 reality现实 of the story故事, right?
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现在我们应该说清楚性爱激情的现实部分了,对吧?
04:08
Because I think, in some way -- and I'll come back to that --
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我觉得,从某种角度讲-- 一会我们再会回到这个话题
04:14
but the crisis危机 of desire欲望 is often经常 a crisis危机 of the imagination想像力.
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其实欲望危机就是想象力的危机。
04:18
So why does good sex性别 so often经常 fade褪色?
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那么为什么美妙的性爱体验容易消散呢?
04:21
What is the relationship关系 between之间 love and desire欲望?
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爱和欲之间的联系到底是什么呢?
04:24
How do they relate涉及, and how do they conflict冲突?
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它们是怎样联系起来的,又是怎么相互冲突的呢?
04:27
Because therein在其中 lies the mystery神秘 of eroticism性欲亢进.
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横亘在这两者之间的是性欲的奥秘。
04:30
So if there is a verb动词, for me, that comes with love, it's "to have."
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如果要我用一个动词来描述爱,那就是“拥有"
04:34
And if there is a verb动词 that comes with desire欲望, it is "to want."
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而对于性欲,我想用"索求"来描述最恰当不过了。
04:39
In love, we want to have, we want to know the beloved心爱.
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在爱情中,我们想要拥有,我们想要了解我们的爱人
04:42
We want to minimize最小化 the distance距离. We want to contract合同 that gap间隙.
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我们想腻在一起,想跨越阻碍
04:47
We want to neutralize抵消 the tensions紧张. We want closeness亲近.
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我们想调和不安的情绪,我们想亲密无间。
04:51
But in desire欲望, we tend趋向 to not really want to go back to the places地方 we've我们已经 already已经 gone走了.
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而在性欲方面,我们不想回到我们已经经历过的地方。
04:56
Forgone放弃的 conclusion结论 does not keep our interest利益.
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过时的结论提不起我们的兴趣。
05:00
In desire欲望, we want an Other, somebody on the other side that we can go visit访问,
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在性欲方面,我们想找的是我们的另一半,一个在彼岸,一个我们想去探索的另一半。
05:05
that we can go spend some time with,
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一个我们想呆在一起的另一半
05:07
that we can go see what goes on in their red light district.
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和一个我们能探索其瘾秘的内心世界的另一半
05:11
In desire欲望, we want a bridge to cross交叉.
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在性欲中,我们想找的是一座沟通的桥梁。
05:15
Or in other words, I sometimes有时 say, fire needs需求 air空气.
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换言之,“一个巴掌拍不响啊”
05:18
Desire欲望 needs需求 space空间.
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性欲也需要空间。
05:20
And when it's said like that, it's often经常 quite相当 abstract抽象.
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这样说或许有点抽象吧。
05:24
But then I took a question with me.
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带着一个问题
05:25
And I've gone走了 to more than 20 countries国家 in the last few少数 years年份
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几年间我带着"Mating in Captivity" 这本书走访了20多个国家
05:28
with "Mating交配 in Captivity囚禁," and I asked people,
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每到一处,我都会问人们:
05:31
when do you find yourself你自己 most drawn to your partner伙伴?
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"你什么时候最喜欢和爱人呆在一起?"
05:34
Not attracted吸引 sexually, per seSE, but most drawn.
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我说的是呆在一起而不是一起性爱
05:37
And across横过 culture文化, across横过 religion宗教, and across横过 gender性别 --
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来自不同文化、不同地区、不同性别的人
05:41
except for one -- there are a few少数 answers答案 that just keep coming未来 back.
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除一个有点例外,其它人给我的回答不外如是
05:46
So the first group is: I am most drawn to my partner伙伴
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第一组:最想和爱人在一起的时候
05:51
when she is away, when we are apart距离, when we reunite团聚.
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是爱人不在身边的时候、是分开的时候或是小别重逢时。
05:57
Basically基本上, when I get back in touch触摸
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也就是,当我能用我的想象力
06:01
with my ability能力 to imagine想像 myself with my partner伙伴,
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想像我和爱人在一起的时候,
06:05
when my imagination想像力 comes back in the picture图片,
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当我的想像力能回到这方面来的时候,
06:07
and when I can root it in absence缺席 and in longing渴望,
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当爱人不在而我又想要的时候
06:12
which哪一个 is a major重大的 component零件 of desire欲望.
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这就是性欲的主要组成部分
06:15
But then the second第二 group is even more interesting有趣:
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然而,另一组回答更有趣。
06:18
I am most drawn to my partner伙伴
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我最想和爱人在一起的时候
06:20
when I see him in the studio工作室, when she is onstage在舞台上,
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是当我看到他在录影棚工作、在舞台上表演的时候、
06:24
when he is in his element元件, when she's doing something she's passionate多情 about,
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当他在做正经事的时候、当他在做她感兴趣的事情的时候,
06:28
when I see him at a party派对 and other people are really drawn to him,
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当我看到他在party上谜倒一大堆人的时候
06:32
when I see her hold保持 court法庭.
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当她开庭的时候。
06:34
Basically基本上, when I look at my partner伙伴 radiant辐射的 and confident信心,
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一般而言,当我看到我的爱人光芒四射而又自信的时候
06:38
probably大概 the biggest最大 turn-on打开 across横过 the board.
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这就是最大的刺激物了。
06:42
Radiant辐射的, as in self-sustaining自持.
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光芒四射,在自我维系中也如此。
06:44
I look at this person -- by the way, in desire欲望
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在欲望中, 我看这个人
06:47
people rarely很少 talk about it, when we are blended混合 into one,
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人们很少谈论这些, 当我们粘在一起的时候
06:50
five centimeters公分 from each other. I don't know in inches英寸 how much that is.
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也就是相隔5厘米左右的时候---说实在的我不知道是几厘米
06:53
But it's also not when the other person is that far apart距离
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但是,这种分别并不是说相隔太远
06:57
that you no longer see them.
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以至于以后都不能相见。
06:58
It's when I'm looking at my partner伙伴 from a comfortable自在 distance距离,
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而是我能在一个比较合适的距离看着我爱的人
07:02
where this person that is already已经 so familiar, so known已知,
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那个我熟悉和相知的,
07:07
is momentarily瞬间 once一旦 again somewhat有些 mysterious神秘, somewhat有些 elusive难以捉摸.
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还带有点神秘,有点难以捉摸的人。
07:12
And in this space空间 between之间 me and the other lies the erotic好色之徒 élan,
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我和爱人之间的距离成了一条性欲的纽带
07:16
lies that movement运动 toward the other.
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也造成了我们的相互走动
07:19
Because sometimes有时, as Proust普鲁斯特 says,
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因为有时候,正如Proust说的那样
07:21
mystery神秘 is not about traveling旅行 to new places地方,
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发现奥秘不一定要到一个新的地方去,
07:24
but it's about looking with new eyes眼睛.
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而只要我们有新视角就行。
07:26
And so, when I see my partner伙伴 on his own拥有 or her own拥有,
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所以,当我们看到我们的另一半独自
07:30
doing something in which哪一个 they are enveloped笼罩,
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在忙自己的事的时候。
07:32
I look at this person and I momentarily瞬间 get a shift转移 in perception知觉,
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看着他我会对他有一种新的了解和认识,
07:37
and I stay open打开 to the mysteries奥秘 that are living活的 right next下一个 to me.
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而我对我身过的一些奥秘是常怀着关注之情的。
07:42
And then, more importantly重要的, in this description描述 about the other
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更重要的是,对别人的了解
07:47
or myself -- it's the same相同 -- what is most interesting有趣
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或者对自己的了解, 都一样.
07:51
is that there is no needinessneediness in desire欲望.
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最有趣的是,这不需要性欲。
07:53
Nobody没有人 needs需求 anybody任何人.
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没有谁需要谁。
07:55
There is no caretaking照料 in desire欲望.
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性欲不存在谁照顾谁的问题。
07:58
Caretaking照料 is mightily强烈地 loving爱心. It's a powerful强大 anti-aphrodisiac抗春药.
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照顾是一种了不起的大爱,是一种强大的崔情药
08:03
I have yet然而 to see somebody who is so turned转身 on
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我还看到一些人的性欲
08:05
by somebody who needs需求 them.
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是被那些需要他们的人唤起的
08:07
Wanting婉婷 them is one thing. Needing孤男寡女 them is a shutdown关掉,
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想要是一回事,但需要会令人性趣索然
08:10
and women妇女 have known已知 that forever永远,
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这点女人最清楚了,
08:12
because anything that will bring带来 up parenthood父母
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因为任何母性有关的东西
08:15
will usually平时 decrease减少 the erotic好色之徒 charge收费.
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都会降低性欲。
08:18
For good reasons原因, right?
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很有道理,是不是?
08:20
And then the third第三 group of answers答案 usually平时 would be
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第三类回答是:
08:24
when I'm surprised诧异, when we laugh together一起,
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当我感到惊喜时,当我们一起大笑时会性趣大发,
08:28
as somebody said to me in the office办公室 today今天,
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比如说,今天有人在我的办公室告诉我,
08:30
when he's in his tux晚礼服, so I said, you know,
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当他穿着无尾半正式晚礼服时最有感觉了
08:32
it's either the tux晚礼服 or the cowboy牛仔 boots靴子.
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其实性欲与晚礼服或牛仔靴无关
08:35
But basically基本上 it's when there is novelty新奇.
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而是与猎奇有关。
08:39
But novelty新奇 isn't about new positions位置. It isn't a repertoire剧目 of techniques技术.
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但新奇并不只意味着新的体位,也不是五花八门的性爱技巧
08:43
Novelty新奇 is, what parts部分 of you do you bring带来 out?
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新奇是,你将自已的哪一面展现出来?
08:47
What parts部分 of you are just being存在 seen看到?
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你的哪一面你的爱人熟悉?
08:50
Because in some way one could say
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因为在某种程度上,我们会说
08:52
sex性别 isn't something you do, eh?
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性交并不专指性交活动,对吧?
08:54
Sex性别 is a place地点 you go. It's a space空间 you enter输入
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性交过程其实像你在去一个地方
08:57
inside yourself你自己 and with another另一个, or others其他.
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是一个进入自己或对方体内的过程。
09:00
So where do you go in sex性别?
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因此,性交时何去何从?
09:03
What parts部分 of you do you connect to?
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你们身体的哪一部分有接触?
09:05
What do you seek寻求 to express表现 there?
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你们想在那里表达些什么?
09:07
Is it a place地点 for transcendence超越 and spiritual精神 union联盟?
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那是一个表现性爱技巧和精神合一的地方吗?
09:10
Is it a place地点 for naughtiness顽皮 and is it a place地点 to be safely安然 aggressive侵略性?
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那是一个俏皮掏蛋的地方呢还是一个略带点侵略性质的地方呢?
09:15
Is it a place地点 where you can finally最后 surrender投降
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还是一个你最后放弃
09:17
and not have to take responsibility责任 for everything?
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不想负责任的地方呢?
09:20
Is it a place地点 where you can express表现 your infantile婴儿 wishes祝福?
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它是不是一个你可以表达你孩子气的地方呢?
09:23
What comes out there? It's a language语言.
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性爱到底是什么? 其实性交是一种语言。
09:25
It isn't just a behavior行为.
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不是一种行为。
09:28
And it's the poetic诗意 of that language语言 that I'm interested有兴趣 in,
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而我,正是对这一充满诗意的性交语言感兴趣
09:31
which哪一个 is why I began开始 to explore探索 this concept概念 of erotic好色之徒 intelligence情报.
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这就是为什么我要探讨"性商"这一概念。
09:35
You know, animals动物 have sex性别.
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要知道,动物也性交。
09:37
It's the pivot, it's biology生物学, it's the natural自然 instinct直觉.
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而动物的性交是传宗接代的,是生物的,是一种自然的天性。
09:40
We are the only ones那些 who have an erotic好色之徒 life,
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人类是唯一过性生活的物种,
09:43
which哪一个 means手段 that it's sexuality性欲 transformed改造 by the human人的 imagination想像力.
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所谓性生活完全是人类想象出来的东西
09:49
We are the only ones那些 who can make love for hours小时,
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人类也是唯一能持续几个小时做爱
09:53
have a blissful幸福 time, multiple orgasms性高潮,
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有幸福时光,有多次高潮
09:56
and touch触摸 nobody没有人, just because we can imagine想像 it.
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而没有身体抚摸的动物,因为人类能想象出这些东西。
10:00
We can hint暗示 at it. We don't even have to do it.
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我们可以用意念来交欢,根本就不用直接的身体接触。
10:03
We can experience经验 that powerful强大 thing called anticipation预期,
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我们能体验强大的性期待
10:06
which哪一个 is a mortar砂浆 to desire欲望,
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那可是性欲的动机,
10:09
the ability能力 to imagine想像 it, as if it's happening事件,
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能想得到的,它就可以是发生的
10:12
to experience经验 it as if it's happening事件, while nothing is happening事件
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能体验到好像正在发生的,而实际上却没发生任何事
10:16
and everything is happening事件 at the same相同 time.
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所有这些都可以同时发生
10:19
So when I began开始 to think about eroticism性欲亢进,
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所以,当我想到性兴奋时,
10:21
I began开始 to think about the poetics诗论 of sex性别,
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我就会想到性爱的美妙。
10:25
and if I look at it as an intelligence情报,
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而如果我把它看作一种“智商”
10:27
then it's something that you cultivate培育.
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那么,它就应该是你应该培养的东西。
10:29
What are the ingredients配料? Imagination想像力, playfulness嬉闹,
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性商包括什么呢?想象力、情趣、
10:34
novelty新奇, curiosity好奇心, mystery神秘.
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新鲜感、好奇心和神秘感。
10:37
But the central中央 agent代理人 is really that piece called the imagination想像力.
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但其核心是想象力。
10:42
But more importantly重要的, for me to begin开始 to understand理解
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但更重要的是,如果说我要弄清楚
10:45
who are the couples情侣 who have an erotic好色之徒 spark火花,
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哪些夫妇有性火花,
10:48
what sustains维持 desire欲望, I had to go back
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什么东西方维系着性爱, 我必须得回顾一下
10:50
to the original原版的 definition定义 of eroticism性欲亢进,
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性爱的最原始的定义,
10:53
the mystical神秘 definition定义, and I went through通过 it
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这一最神秘的定义,我经历过的
10:56
through通过 a bifurcation分枝 by looking actually其实 at trauma外伤,
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以一种分岐,通过创伤来看
10:59
which哪一个 is the other side, and I looked看着 at it
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这就是另一面,让我来看看
11:02
looking at the community社区 that I had grown长大的 up in,
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看看我成长的社区
11:04
which哪一个 was a community社区 in Belgium比利时, all Holocaust大屠杀 survivors幸存者,
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那是一个在比利时的社区,所有人都是大屠杀的幸存者
11:08
and in my community社区 there were two groups:
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在这个社区里,有两类人:
11:11
those who didn't die, and those who came来了 back to life.
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一类是没有死过的,另一类是死后重生的
11:15
And those who didn't die lived生活 often经常 very tethered to the ground地面,
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那些没死过的人一般都很现实
11:18
could not experience经验 pleasure乐趣, could not trust相信,
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无法体会快感,不信任人
11:22
because when you're vigilant警惕, worried担心, anxious,
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因为他们过于谨慎、杞人忧天、焦虑
11:24
and insecure不安全, you can't lift电梯 your head
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没有安全感,不能自信地
11:27
to go and take off in space空间 and be playful调皮 and safe安全 and imaginative想像的.
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在性爱中解放自我,没有情趣,没安全感也缺乏想象力。
11:32
Those who came来了 back to life were those
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那些劫后余生的人
11:35
who understood了解 the erotic好色之徒 as an antidote解药 to death死亡.
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他们把性事当作忘却死亡的解药。
11:38
They knew知道 how to keep themselves他们自己 alive.
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他们知道怎样让自己活下去。
11:41
And when I began开始 to listen to the sexlessnesssexlessness of the couples情侣 that I work with,
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当我听到我的那些无性生活的同事的故事时
11:45
I sometimes有时 would hear people say, "I want more sex性别,"
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有时我听到别人说:我想要更多的性生活。
11:48
but generally通常 people want better sex性别,
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但很多时候,人们更在意性生活的质量,
11:51
and better is to reconnect重新连接 with that quality质量 of aliveness存活性,
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最好的是能过传统意义上性生活能提供给他们的活力、
11:54
of vibrancy活力, of renewal复兴, of vitality活力, of eros性爱, of energy能源
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新鲜感、动感、和充满动力的性爱
11:58
that sex性别 used to afford给予 them, or that they've他们已经 hoped希望
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或者他们希望
12:01
it would afford给予 them.
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能得到这性爱。
12:03
And so I began开始 to ask a different不同 question.
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所以,我会问另一个问题:
12:06
"I shut关闭 myself off when ..." began开始 to be the question.
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我何时不会有性欲。
12:11
"I turn off my desires欲望 when ..." which哪一个 is not the same相同 question as,
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我何时会压制自已的性欲。
12:14
"What turns me off is ..." and "You turn me off when ..."
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是什么令我毫无性欲。你何时令我性欲全无。
12:18
And people began开始 to say, "I turn myself off when
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人们会回答说:当我心死时、当我不再喜欢我自己的身体时
12:21
I feel dead inside, when I don't like my body身体,
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我对性也就没有任何兴趣了。
12:24
when I feel old, when I haven't没有 had time for myself,
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当我感觉自己老了,当我没有自己的时间了,
12:27
when I haven't没有 had a chance机会 to even check in with you,
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当我没机会和你去开房时,
12:30
when I don't perform演出 well at work,
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当我工作毫无业绩可言时,
12:31
when I feel low self esteem尊重, when I don't have a sense of self-worth自我价值,
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当我没有了自尊、当我觉得没有了个人价值时,
12:35
when I don't feel like I have a right to want, to take,
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当我觉得我已经没有权力去想,去获得
12:38
to receive接收 pleasure乐趣."
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和去接受这种快感受时
12:40
And then I began开始 to ask the reverse相反 question.
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然后,我会反过来问:
12:43
"I turn myself on when ..." Because most of the time,
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我何时会性趣大发。因为很多时候
12:45
people like to ask the question, "You turn me on,
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人们喜欢问这类问题:你令我兴奋
12:48
what turns me on," and I'm out of the question. You know?
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什么使我兴奋? 我不可能兴奋的,对吧?
12:52
Now, if you are dead inside, the other person can do a lot of things for Valentine's情人节.
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但如果你已经心死了,你的另一半可以为你们的情人节做很多事啊!
12:56
It won't惯于 make a dent凹痕. There is nobody没有人 at the reception招待会 desk.
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没有人知道的, 前台没有人呢。
12:59
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
13:00
So I turn myself on when,
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所以,我让自己兴奋
13:03
I turn my desires欲望, I wake唤醒 up when ...
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我唤醒自己的性欲,我起来时。。。
13:07
Now, in this paradox悖论 between之间 love and desire欲望,
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在爱与欲这对矛盾体里
13:12
what seems似乎 to be so puzzling令人费解 is that the very ingredients配料
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令人不解的是那些滋润着爱的养分------
13:15
that nurture培育 love -- mutuality相互关系, reciprocity互惠,
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相依相伴、互惠、
13:20
protection保护, worry担心, responsibility责任 for the other --
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爱护有加、担心、和为对方肩负起来的责任
13:24
are sometimes有时 the very ingredients配料 that stifle窒息 desire欲望.
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这些东西有时也会抑制性欲。
13:28
Because desire欲望 comes with a host主办 of feelings情怀
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因为,性欲来自于一系列的
13:32
that are not always such这样 favorites最爱 of love:
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并非全是爱的情感:
13:36
jealousy妒忌, possessiveness占有欲, aggression侵略, power功率, dominance霸主地位,
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比如说妒忌、占有欲、冒犯、权力、支配
13:40
naughtiness顽皮, mischief恶作剧.
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俏皮、捣蛋等等。
13:42
Basically基本上 most of us will get turned转身 on at night
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一般来说,大多数人晚上都会有性兴奋
13:45
by the very same相同 things that we will demonstrate演示 against反对 during the day.
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其实白天也一样可能会有性兴奋
13:49
You know, the erotic好色之徒 mind心神 is not very politically政治上 correct正确.
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性想法在政治上不算很合适
13:52
If everybody每个人 was fantasizing幻想 on a bed of roses玫瑰,
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如果每个人都能躺在床上想着满床的玖瑰
13:55
we wouldn't不会 be having such这样 interesting有趣 talks会谈 about this.
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那我们今天就没有必要来听这个演讲了。
13:59
But no, in our mind心神 up there
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但其实并不然,在我们心底的某个角落,
14:01
are a host主办 of things going on that we don't always know
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有着一些我们不知道的东西
14:05
how to bring带来 to the person that we love,
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不知道怎么样将这些东西告诉我们的爱人,
14:07
because we think love comes with selflessness无私
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这是因为,我们认为爱是自私的,
14:10
and in fact事实 desire欲望 comes with a certain某些 amount of selfishness自私
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而性欲在很大程度上出于我们的自私
14:14
in the best最好 sense of the word:
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如果说非得这么说的话
14:15
the ability能力 to stay connected连接的 to one's那些 self
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自私就是和别人在一起的时候
14:18
in the presence存在 of another另一个.
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只顾自我的感受。
14:20
So I want to draw that little image图片 for you,
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所以,让我稍为概括一下
14:23
because this need to reconcile调和 these two sets of needs需求,
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因为这需要调和一下我们与生俱来的东西
14:27
we are born天生 with that.
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这两种需要。
14:28
Our need for connection连接, our need for separateness分离性,
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也就是联系的需要,分离的需要
14:31
or our need for security安全 and adventure冒险,
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或者安全和冒险的需要
14:33
or our need for togetherness和睦 and for autonomy自治,
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团聚的需要、自我管理的需要
14:36
and if you think about the little kid孩子 who sits坐镇 on your lap膝部
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如果你想像一下,有个小孩坐在你大腿上
14:39
and who is cozily舒适地 nested嵌套 here and very secure安全 and comfortable自在,
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他舒服地坐在那里,既安全又舒适
14:43
and at some point all of us need to go out into the world世界
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而在某种程度上,我们每个人都需要走出去
14:47
to discover发现 and to explore探索.
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去发现、去探索.
14:50
That's the beginning开始 of desire欲望,
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这就是性欲的来源,
14:51
that exploratory探索 needs需求 curiosity好奇心, discovery发现.
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探索需要好奇心和发现。
14:56
And then at some point they turn around and they look at you,
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然后,在某时,他们会转过身来问看着你,
15:00
and if you tell them,
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如果你对他们说:
15:02
"Hey kiddo老兄, the world's世界 a great place地点. Go for it.
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“嘿,老兄,这个世界太美妙了,去享受它吧”
15:04
There's so much fun开玩笑 out there,"
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那儿有太多乐趣了。
15:06
then they can turn away and they can experience经验
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然后他们会去探索,同时去体验
15:09
connection连接 and separateness分离性 at the same相同 time.
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团聚和分离。
15:11
They can go off in their imagination想像力, off in their body身体,
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他们会开动想象力和调动他们的身体
15:14
off in their playfulness嬉闹, all the while knowing会心
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动起嬉闹的念想,想着
15:17
that there's somebody when they come back.
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回至家时爱人在等待。
15:20
But if on this side there is somebody who says,
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但也有人会说:
15:22
"I'm worried担心. I'm anxious. I'm depressed郁闷.
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我很担心、我很焦虑、我感到无比压抑
15:26
My partner伙伴 hasn't有没有 taken采取 care关心 of me in so long.
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我和爱人很久都不理不睬了。
15:28
What's so good out there? Don't we have everything
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那里有什么好呢?我们两人在一起不就什么都有了吗?
15:31
you need together一起, you and I?"
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就你和我?
15:33
then there are a few少数 little reactions反应
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这就会引起一引起小反应
15:35
that all of us can pretty漂亮 much recognize认识.
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我们很多人都能识别
15:38
Some of us will come back, came来了 back a long time ago,
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我们有些人会回到从前,很久很久以前
15:43
and that little child儿童 who comes back
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那些想要回到从前的小孩
15:45
is the child儿童 who will forgo放弃 a part部分 of himself他自己
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就是那些想放弃部分自我的小孩
15:48
in order订购 not to lose失去 the other.
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为了不失去对方
15:51
I will lose失去 my freedom自由 in order订购 not to lose失去 connection连接.
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要想不失去爱,我就得失去自由
15:54
And I will learn学习 to love in a certain某些 way
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而我又得学会用某种方式去爱
15:57
that will become成为 burdened背负 with extra额外 worry担心
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这会导致我们过度担心、
16:01
and extra额外 responsibility责任 and extra额外 protection保护,
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过大的责任和过度的保护而不堪重负
16:05
and I won't惯于 know how to leave离开 you
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而我又不知道怎么放手
16:07
in order订购 to go play, in order订购 to go experience经验 pleasure乐趣,
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让你去享受、去体验快感,
16:11
in order订购 to discover发现, to enter输入 inside myself.
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让你去发现,去进入我的内心世界
16:14
Translate翻译 this into adult成人 language语言.
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这要用成年人的语言来理解。
16:17
It starts启动 very young年轻. It continues继续 into our sex性别 lives生活
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性欲从我们很小时候就有,它会陪我们进入我们的性生活期
16:21
up to the end结束.
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直至我们老死。
16:22
Child儿童 number two comes back
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第二个孩子回来
16:25
but looks容貌 like that over their shoulder all the time.
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但伏在他们的肩上。
16:27
"Are you going to be there?
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你快到了吗?
16:30
Are you going to curse诅咒 me? Are you going to scold me?
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你会诅骂我吗?你会责备我吗?
16:31
Are you going to be angry愤怒 with me?"
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你会生我的气吗?
16:33
And they may可能 be gone走了, but they're never really away,
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这些或许都不见了,但他们永远都不会远离,
16:37
and those are often经常 the people that will tell you,
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这些就是人们常会和你说的
16:39
in the beginning开始 it was super hot.
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开始时会很狂热。
16:41
Because in the beginning开始, the growing生长 intimacy亲密关系
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因为刚开始时,亲密感
16:45
wasn't yet然而 so strong强大
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还没有这么强烈
16:47
that it actually其实 led to the decrease减少 of desire欲望.
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而恰恰是亲密会削弱性欲。
16:50
The more connected连接的 I became成为, the more responsible主管 I felt,
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联系越紧密,觉得责任越大
16:54
the less I was able能够 to let go in your presence存在.
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越不会放手让你走
16:57
The third第三 child儿童 doesn't really come back.
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第三个孩子不会真正的回来
17:00
So what happens发生, if you want to sustain支持 desire欲望,
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那会怎样?如果你想保持性欲
17:03
it's that real真实 dialectic辩证法 piece.
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这是一种真正的辩证法。
17:05
On the one hand you want the security安全 in order订购 to be able能够 to go.
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一方面,为了享受性爱,你需要安全感。
17:09
On the other hand if you can't go, you can't have pleasure乐趣,
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另一方面,如果你没有性爱,你不会享受到快感,
17:13
you can't culminate高潮, you don't have an orgasm性高潮,
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不会有性亢奋,不会有高潮
17:16
you don't get excited兴奋 because you spend your time
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你不会兴奋,因为你花太多的时间在别人的身体上
17:18
in the body身体 and the head of the other and not in your own拥有.
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或心理上,而忽略了自己的身体和想法。
17:21
So in this dilemma困境 about reconciling调和
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因此,在妥协的两难中,
17:25
these two sets of fundamental基本的 needs需求,
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这两种基本的需要,
17:28
there are a few少数 things that I've come to understand理解 erotic好色之徒 couples情侣 do.
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让我解理了性福夫妇的一些做法。
17:32
One, they have a lot of sexual有性 privacy隐私.
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首先,他们有很多性瘾私。
17:35
They understand理解 that there is an erotic好色之徒 space空间
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他们明白各人都应该有
17:37
that belongs属于 to each of them.
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各自的空间。
17:40
They also understand理解 that foreplay前戏 is not something you do
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他们也清楚前戏并不是
17:43
five minutes分钟 before the real真实 thing.
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你在性交前5分钟所做的事。
17:45
Foreplay前戏 pretty漂亮 much starts启动 at the end结束 of the previous以前 orgasm性高潮.
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前戏应该从你上一次高潮结束之后就开始了。
17:48
They also understand理解 that an erotic好色之徒 space空间
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他们同时也明白,性爱空间并不是
17:51
isn't about, you begin开始 to stroke行程 the other.
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你开始抚摸对方
17:53
It's about you create创建 a space空间 where you leave离开 Management管理 Inc公司.,
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性爱是指你开设一个空间,就象经营一间大公司一样
17:57
maybe where you leave离开 the agile敏捷 program程序,
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在那里有你灵活的管理计划。
18:00
(Laughter笑声)
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(笑声)
18:01
and you actually其实 just enter输入 that place地点
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而你实际上只进入那个地方
18:04
where you stop being存在 the good citizen公民
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然后像个好市民一样停下来
18:07
who is taking服用 care关心 of things and being存在 responsible主管.
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谁来处理这些问题,谁来为这负责任。
18:09
Responsibility责任 and desire欲望 just butt屁股 heads.
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责任和性欲俩都只能硬碰硬
18:13
They don't really do well together一起.
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他们不会合作。
18:15
Erotic好色之徒 couples情侣 also understand理解 that passion waxes and wanes阴晴圆缺.
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有性福的夫妇也明白,激情会慢慢退化。
18:20
It's pretty漂亮 much like the moon月亮. It has intermittent断断续续的 eclipses日食.
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性欲这东西就很像月亮一样有阴晴圆缺。
18:23
But what they know is they know how to resurrect复活 it.
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但是,他们知道怎么恢复它。
18:26
They know how to bring带来 it back,
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他们知道怎么样让它再美满起来。
18:28
and they know how to bring带来 it back
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他们能这样做是
18:29
because they have demystified揭秘 one big myth神话,
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因为他们打破了一个神话
18:31
which哪一个 is the myth神话 of spontaneity自发性, which哪一个 is
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那个自然说的神话,
18:34
that it's just going to fall秋季 from heaven天堂 while you're folding折页 the laundry洗衣店
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性欲可能会在你的折叠衣物时突然出现
18:38
like a deus杀出重围 ex machinaMACHINA, and in fact事实 they understood了解
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就像从天而降一样,豪无征兆,而事实上,他们明白
18:41
that whatever随你 is going to just happen发生
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无论发生什么
18:43
in a long-term长期 relationship关系 already已经 has.
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在一个长期的关系中
18:46
Committed承诺 sex性别 is premeditated预谋的 sex性别.
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有承诺的性爱是有预谋的性爱
18:49
It's willful恣意. It's intentional故意的.
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是自愿的、你情我愿的
18:52
It's focus焦点 and presence存在.
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是投入的和确实存在的
18:55
Merry快活 Valentine's情人节.
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情人节快乐
18:57
(Applause掌声)
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(掌声)
Translated by Bi Chen
Reviewed by Angelique Wang

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ABOUT THE SPEAKER
Esther Perel - Relationship therapist
Psychotherapist Esther Perel is changing the conversation on what it means to be in love and have a fulfilling sex life.

Why you should listen

For the first time in human history, couples aren’t having sex just to have kids; there’s room for sustained desire and long-term sexual relationships. But how? Perel, a licensed marriage and family therapist with a practice in New York, travels the world to help people answer this question. For her research she works across cultures and is fluent in nine languages. She coaches, consults and speaks regularly on erotic intelligence, trauma, sexual honesty and conflict resolution. She is the author of Mating in Captivity: Reconciling the Erotic and the Domestic. Her latest work focuses on infidelity: what it is, why happy people do it and how couples can recover from it. She aims to locate this very personal experience within a larger cultural context.

More profile about the speaker
Esther Perel | Speaker | TED.com